#113 Figment of Speech

Published Oct 5, 2021, 1:00 AM

Between you and Nikki, a friendly straddle, suffering for gains, late show crowds and forgotten sex toys are all top of mind. After a suggestion from his girlfriend, Andrew tries to get a doctor appointment. This leads to a conversation about how long you have to wait for an appointment these days and getting your weight when you go. You Heard It Here First, more sex. comes with age, how to get a kidney and Nikki does not care about old men in space. In the Top1 Bottom1, Andrew feels compelled to try a woman's pointed shoe as they have an elderly discussion about shoes.

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Nicky. Hello here, I am welcome to the Nicki Glazer Podcast. It's Monday, um, episode one and something I don't even know. Uh, you guys know we are on video now right. UM. If you're watching on YouTube, hello, please comment on my looks below. Uh no, don't do that please. UM. I have not watched the video because I don't like to look at myself, but I've heard good things and UM, we're very excited about it. So you can go subscribe, uh from following the link in our Instagram account, which I do know that our Instagram account is on a private um account and you have to request access, but we'll let you in. All you gotta do is request it and then you'll get in. But listen, I post things on there that I don't want everyone to see. I just want my podcast listeners to see. I want you to have to want it. You don't just get it because you know like private accounts, I know they're a little bit kire, but you know, I want an account where I can post things that I know that people that listen to my podcast, true listeners are going to um not judge me for and I feel like on my own personal account, you post things and people can screenshot it and judge and it's just a little It honestly makes me feel like it's a um a fin sta a little bit. You know, the fake instagrams that girls I don't know if they're still doing that, but girls would make for like they're close friends and they would post like, you know, thirst traps and stuff like I feel like I can be a little bit more thirsty, a little bit more um, I don't know, just me. I can be a little more me on those accounts and like post pictures that maybe aren't so perfect and um, I don't know. Like there was one this weekend where I was showing a defense move to Andrew that I learned at a self defense class that I took on Thursday that um, and he was supposed to like straddle me and strangle me, but instead he like did the reverse. He like reversed because he was talking about how earlier that day he was talking about a new sex move he learned with his girlfriend from a porn he watched, and I think we talked about it where he she's on top and his legs are wait no, you know, usually the girls straddling the guy reverse, but in this way, he's his legs are splayed, and she puts her legs straight like she's sitting on his lap, and then can like he says, she can get like lower. You know, he's always worried about making that dick go deeper. I guess I don't know. He was telling a meal about it. And then later on that night we were doing the defense move and I go, Andrew straddle me and like trying to strangle me, and um, and he did that move and then someone took a picture of it, and it was really funny. But I just didn't want to post it on a normal one because it just looks easy and I knew you guys would get it. So that's an example. Um yeah, are you a reverse cow girl kind of girl? Uh? I like regular cowgirl style, like just riding facing the horse correct, pretending I'm on a horse? Why yeah? Why don't we ever call it cow girl? Why is it always just reverse cow girl? Does anyone say let's do cow girl? No, they just say girl on top right of the horse. Would be weird if they called it that. Do you guys do girl on top of the horse or reverse cow girl? Well, why don't you just call it cow girl. Well, we don't know. Um, I disagree with both of those positions. I don't want to be on top like ever. Um, as I've you know, covered before. Um, it's just so much work. Would you like it? Like, sorry to pry into your sexy but do you like do you like spending most of your time up there is when you were having that is? Honestly, that's the easiest way for me to have an orgasm because you have more control and you can like grind, Yeah, do you have Can you have an orgasm from just that? From no? Like really? Yeah? Oh dear, I wish that I could. I Like, I forgot my sex toys this weekend on the road, and it was just like, no, no, Nikki doesn't get to come this weekend. Because I did, I almost was thinking about going out the way that Andrew google is a golf course. I was looking for sex toy shops locally, but I just did not have any time. We were you know, we did Buffalo. We got into Buffalo at like, there's just no time. We did a Buffalo shows and then we had to get on a plane on Saturday and fled directly to Atlanta, and then we had two shows in Atlanta, and I just didn't have time to go to a sex shop. I was almost going to tweet, like, will someone bring me one that you haven't used or something. I'm sure someone would have done that. Um, but I really fucked up by forgetting that. I also, what else did I forgot? I forgot a couple of things on the road this weekend, but that was most. Um, that was the one that caused me to suffer the most. Do you have toys that you specifically travel with or is it just whatever you're in the mood for taking. Um, that's a good question, and it's usually. Well, the thing is I have to charge them too, so they're like properly charged. Um. And all my chords are all over the place. I'm not very organized. My chord management is just, you know, terrible. I bring I generally bring a section one and then a penetrative one, and sometimes that is in one toy together. But that also gets tricky because when you want to penetrate yourself with one of them and go in and out, then the section part comes off to you know, like it doesn't stay. It's also complicated. Um No, I usually I think I could just bring a section toy and be a Okay, I could be aoc um, but I just don't. I don't even know that the section toy I just bought was like not it's not good enough. It's like nothing's good enough anymore. No, Like, I seriously have problems with addiction, like to anything where it's like something will satisfy my needs and then I just need more and I need more and I need more. It's never it doesn't just stay like, oh, this is a good amount like anything that I ever enjoy. It's never enough. It always needs to be more, and then it just goes to a place where it's like I'm gonna hurt myself because I'm I'm using so much and I just I don't, Yeah, the toys aren't cutting it for me anymore. I don't even know what to recommend to people anymore, because I'm like, this would probably be great for you, but it's worthless for me. And the idea that I could, I mean, it's tragic for me to think about in a world where toys didn't exist, I just would never have an orgasm. And I'm you know, I can kind of get there, you know with someone else if I don't have one, but I adding a toy to sex is makes an orgasm a thousand times more achievable for me, Like it really amps it up that much. It's just like it's like having it's a guarantee. Yeah, it's like pushing a car up a hill. You could get it up a hill if you have enough brawn, but like wouldn't you rather just turn the car on and like get up. That's why I'm I'm just so yes, it's a guarantee. It's not even a guarantee. Honestly, it's not even guarantee, but it's just way more likely to happen. What I will say is that I think my orgasm especially like actually even with porn. First of all, I need porn. I couldn't just do it by myself. And I know that I'm saying these things, like the way that I just yelled at you guys for maybe saying things to yourself where you're like, I can't do it. I just can't. Like I haven't tried to come without porn or just with my hands um and forever, but I just don't have the time to even try, Like it's going to take a while. If I can maybe I can, but it's it's going to take much time, and I don't have two hours in my day to devote to that. Um And I do feel like a lot of my orgasm is dependent on things that are said, and that's why, you know, the porn I watch. I'm even reluctant to like say the thing that I like so much now because it's just so specifically weird. But it's just like I know what I need to hear now and it's like so weird. I honestly, I'm not comfortable enough disclosing it right now, but like I am into overall. I will say when men are uh, you know, I I've I've been I've I've said this before when men are challenging a woman to have an orgasm but telling her she can't, and then finally when she can, they're like really celebratory of her, and they're not like mad at her, but they're really like, there's a certain thing and sad one that I really like for a guy to do, and I can't even do it because it's so like it's so vulnerable for me to do it, but like I really like, um, yeah, it's too much. I can't. I need to like work on it with a therapist or like maybe I could tell you individually Noah, but like telling everyone I can't yet. Um, and that's good. What isn't that good that I have something that I'm not ready to disclose because that doesn't happen that often. But it's just, UM, I don't know. I mean, it definitely relates to my own life and like wanting to like I was having UM, I was having sexual relations recently with someone, and UM, I was being pushed to the limit, like really like it was there were parts of me that were like, I can't do this. It's exhausting and it's a lot of work, and it was just like and that's the way I like stuff to to run, but this was like to the point where I was like gonna tap out a little bit. But then I just it started to feel like at the end of a really long run, like the end of a marathon, where you're like so exhausted, but you know the way you're going to feel when you reach the finish line is worth the I love suffering. I think that's it. I love I can't reap the reward and really enjoy rest and relaxation and celebration and um and I can't. I can't reward myself until I've put myself through the ringer and it makes it that much more sweet. And it's not because I mean I do let myself relax now and again and enjoy self care as you know, it's self care is a nice way of rephrasing things that you think are like lazy, and it's true, like me watching a lot of TV binging something, It's like sometimes that is self care. Me nap when I don't think I deserve it. I just have to deserve everything. And I think for me to like let myself have an oh, I have to like suffer first. And it's not because I'm like you don't deserve it. It's like because I know it's going to be that much better if I just hold off and like really push myself and at the end of it, I'll be able to like cross the finish line and get that gold medal and that little like silver blanket and everyone's going to be like you did it as opposed to like if you just did it. I don't know, it's like, why does my life have to run this way? Like man, I did two shows in Atlanta on Saturday night, and I was exhausted by the end of them. And I just don't feel deserving of feeling exhausted by just standing on stage and talking. I just don't feel like, you know, I complaining about that or admitting to myself that it's tiring, or feeling like feeling a little bit sorry for myself, like, wow, you really did a lot tonight. I just don't think I deserve it, and I just feel I feel so bad about being tired. Um, but it was so exhausting in the second show. There were so many drunk people just like screaming out, like that's the problem. On the second show, I wanted it to be so much fun and like loose and for me to take my time and explore other areas. Didn't happen because the second I would be quiet, drunk people would feel the need to talk. That's why I talked so fucking fast. It's born of the fact that I don't want hecklers to come in and say anything mean. Like early on in my career, I just didn't want people to be like you suck, and I just didn't want the silence. I wanted to always control them with like either they're laughing or I'm talking. There's no silence nowhere for them to like whisper to each other. She sucks because they'll miss something I say, you know, And now I use that same skill I honed from being insecure and not wanting people to hate me, to just plow through because I don't want to deal with hecklers, because my whole set is about you know, well, that one in particular. It's not always about this, but that one in particular was about getting older, and you know, the beauty industry and the fact that you know, the self love industry and the body positivity movement and how we're gas lit into thinking like love yourself. It's one of on the inside that counts. Yet everything tells us to the contrary. And if you're a woman who acknowledges that being attractive gets you things in the world, you're suddenly a bad feminist, even though I'm sorry, but it's it does. It's not bad to call out the things that are still happening. We're not. We didn't just wake up one day after a Dove campaign and go the biggest beautiful like that's it didn't happen that it doesn't happen that quickly, the same kind of rhetoric and pressure that women are feeling to just love themselves, love your body no matter what. Like this all this bullshit, it's bullshit because women who are skinny and beautiful and young are still being given most of the things. There's a couple examples where we're like, oh, we like her even though there's that one girl on UM, this is us. Remember there's a there's a fat woman on tv C. We did it. It's done. It's the same thing as like Obama, we had him breecisms over. No, it's not. That's a slight improvement, but it's not. You don't we like Adele. We're fine with with with having fat celebrities. Okay, well you did it once or twice, but it's it's still a problem. And I know saying this as a skinny, fucking white twat uh, it doesn't really buy me much currency. But I can still call out the fact that it's we're for me to say that being thin gets you things in Hollywood, and that sometimes I want to be thin and beautiful and young because it will get me more things. I can get in trouble for saying that even though it's true, still it's still true. So why am I getting Why would I get in trouble? You're setting a bad example for women. When little girls hear you say that, they're gonna feel like they have to be thin and beautiful. Um, I hate to say it. Based on the evidence, they kind of do and and I don't think it's right. Just because I'm saying that I feel the pressure to do that doesn't mean I'm saying that it's right. I wish that you could be any size you want and look anyway. God, I wish that, but it's just not true. And until we acknowledge that these things are still happening and not deny them. Because you know, there's a couple Instagram accounts that show like the truth, you know, that point out your flaws and celebrate your flaws, it's not enough. That's good. I'm glad those accounts exist. I post those accounts. I love those girls that show. Mainly those are for men. I think women know that when you arch your back and stick your butt out, cellulate goes away. You can make your butt look really nice. I want men to know that is what you're looking at like, because men don't know our tricks women do. This isn't for women as much as it is for men, because when we change what men want and what men expect, then things can change. So anyway, I was just I wanted to go off on this thing on on Saturday night, and by doing that, I have to kind of complain about all this stuff. And then and then drunk people just go, you're beautiful, Nikki, You're so hot, and I'm like, that is not what I'm trying. That is the I go, that's not what I'm want to hear. I know I'm good looking, lady. I'm trying my fucking best. I'm not complaining that I'm not. What I'm complaining about is that I feel pressured to uphold this, and by you saying that I'm hot validates the fact that it's important to be hot. You saying that to me is is it's not wrong, Like we all do it. I say it to my friends. I say it to people to make them feel better. If you tell someone they're beautiful and they look younger than their age, and you look so hot, and these are things you're saying because you want to make that person feel good, and maybe they're true, but you're you're you're acknowledging that you said this because it might make this person feel good. You're acknowledging that if they're not those things, they should probably feel bad. That's that's the logic there. I feel autistic sometimes, Honestly. I was watching Love on the Spectrum last night. There's a new character named Jaden, and he truly speaks my truth, which is that everything, in everything in life you have to dissect and be like, what's the purpose of that? And why do we do that? We tell women they look young and hot, like, oh my god, you're forty. You do not look forty. That's acknowledging that looking forty would be bad, right, Because if someone looks sixty and they're fifty, we wouldn't go, oh my god, you're sixty or you're fifty, you look sixty. You wouldn't say that to someone. Why because it acknowledges that being sixty is worse somehow inherently? And why why? Because men don't want to fox sixty year olds as much as fifty year old and you're closer to death and you're you're more irrelevant. I'm not saying that's true. I'm saying that based on things that based on the observable facts around us, that's that's true. So bottom line is I shouldn't go on this crusade when I'm performing for drunk people because I just get a lot of drunk women going, you're hot. I would, I'd fuck you, And it's just like that is you're missing the point. So late shows I might have to suspend because it's a lot of and you can't, you can't. I threw out one drunk person at Buffalo show on Friday night. I did throw up, but they tossed her out because she just wouldn't stop heckling, and I felt bad for her. I mean, this woman clearly just drink too much and was trying to participate. All these people are but on Saturday night late showing in Atlanta, too many to even crowd control, so I just had to plow through and it made it not It made it exhausting for me and not as fun for the people that were there and not drunk. So um. But I did get some feedback from people who weren't drunk and they had a good time, So I'm glad that that's the truth. Let's talk about this all with Andrew What up Drew with? Um, I was just talking about the shows this weekend second show Saturday, A little drunk you drunk? Was it like that for you? Yeah? They laughed kind of weird. They were never when the crowds drunk, you can they feel delayed, but they're like not laughing together. They're on they're they're all in their own little party. Yeah, it's interesting. It's there is more of freedom in a drunk you drunk show because they're never going to remember it that you just have to like fake like you're They just convinced them. The overall feeling was a fun time. Yeah, and um, you know it was so drunk. It was too many drunk people, and I know there are people there that were not drunk, and it just felt bad for them. Well, I think it's a ten thirty show later show. You're Saturday, they're probably day drinking. They're like, we're gonna see Nikki tonight and they're like, let's I mean, you usually think the Friday late show is terrible because everyone's tired, But everyone's tired all the time. Now, like, let's let's stop pretending that everyone's just tired on the weekdays. I feel like COVID every well, at least for a while, every day kind of started to become the same day, like every day was yeah, that was it was less of yeah, but yeah, No, I think Saturday, I'm sure a lot of them will get together for a dinner, like it's a whole event to see you, and so they probably start drinking at dinner, and then they find a bar near the show. Thirty is so late for a show. I mean, I even was like, what are we doing here? Because then you know, we get started fifteen minutes later too, generally, and then by the time I got on stage, it's eleven fifteen, and then by the time I'm off stage it's twelve thirty. I mean that we're into the next day. Sometimes I think you should be able to be like it should all be understood that I'm gonna do for a great But that thing is, I can't give them that right now because I want to. I'm still working on so much material and I don't know, I just feel like I want I would have to talk too fast, and I don't want to do that. Um, but I am gonna have to whittle it down to an hour. I really, I've been saying it for a while now, but I gotta I gotta get my special ready today. I'm gonna actually write out my set verbatim, just try to say like what it would look like if I'm like type it out. I don't even know what that's gonna be. I'm very scared. I just cannot. I can't do everything right now. And I'm okay with that, Like my special is going to be the um so I just yeah. I almost just share this just in case everyone out there is like, I need to do this thing and I haven't done it. I've been putting it off. Whether it's like you're writing a book, or you have a report do for school, or you have to write a thank you card or thank you like anything that you've been like putting off business thing no matter what it is, like you didn't get to it because you couldn't get to it. It's not because you're lazy, it's not. It's like the world like is a vampire? Wait, what does that? The world is a vampire? I only know that song from you singing it, Like, no, you knew the song, you just didn't know that. I didn't know the beginning. I know, I don't know how I didn't know that it's a disconnected song. It starts like that some songs start off. It's like, how is this even? Yes, yes, I know what you mean, like rolling stones. Uh, it's just like what. I was so confused by that um as a as a child, I remember all my friends in high school playing that song and everyone knew it right away from like the choir kids choir singing, and I was like, why don't I know this song? Like every these people who have bad tastes in music, not this. I want to hear the rest of the choir song. I mean that sounds like it's always so good. When I was so annoyed this morning, I went to h schedule a doctor's appointment right and uh, if you're a new patient, So I called this one place. They go, uh, yeah, well we might. This is why I tried to postpone tomorrow because they go for the podcast tomorrow. They they were like, we could have a cancelation tomorrow. You coming out. I can't do that. They're like, well, how's November thirtieth, And I go, okay, let me call back every morning and see if you have a cancelation at work That's the only reason why I pushed the podcast, because I was like, all right, well, now I'll take the cancelation, because so then I'll go, okay, I hang up, I don't hang on my go okay, I'll call another day and see I call another place. They take all my insurance information, right, They don't even ask you what's wrong with you? They just want to make sure they're gonna get paid Before they even go why are you even coming in to go? What's your insurance? Let me make sure I'll get paid live in the state. They don't even know if you can go there. You might have called the wrong number. And they're like, look, you don't even have to come in. Just give us your insurance. We won't even see you, but we're going to charge you feb Did you hear me? Is that true? That's their first appointment. They took all my info. They go they called my insurance company to make sure it's covered. They get my address, they get my phone number, they get in all this ship for the fucking thing, and then they go all right, let's see. Um, I go, well, how long it's taking. I'm starting to think this isn't gonna probably work out. They go, I'll just wait. I'm February like said it like like like next Wednesday. Yeah, Like it was a like think think you know what, here you go, here's February. Oh I found something. If I doing you a favor, if I had cancer, you're dead. I know that thing about cancer is like you you go in, you find out you have a suspicious thing. And when I go in for a biopsy, and then the biopsy is six months later and you go, Um, what I didn't know that was a thing. I didn't know that they could make you wait to get cancer results. Is it time bad in cancer world? Yes, it's horrible. When my dad got breast cancer, early detection the key. Yes, Well that's when like someone goes, I feel kind of sick. Oh you're gonna die in five days. It's like, oh, well you didn't see me for fucking seven months. Yeah. Why do they never get the blame of like, well, I couldn't get an appointment, so, um, you know that diagnosis you're giving me, Um, do you think you could have caught it? They probably, like, I wondered, your dad's a cancer doctor, he's got to know the answer to this, Like do some people people get diagnosed and go, well, I've been trying to get in here for three fucking months. Sure, I'm sure. And also it's like, okay, if you can't see me till February and you're making money off patients and the demand is that high, why are you not open till eight at night? You know what I mean? Like if you have all the you're just wasting money or you're you know, I mean, maybe they don't have enough people working. I mean that's what I always think about when you know, there are businesses that are like Starbucks down the street from us close it sometimes just like you know, because they don't have enough workers and so like I think, oh, when hospital enough doctors so they can't work over time for the extra three hours to see new page. Yeah, I mean, like doctors need to sleep, to my other, even though they have all the access to things that will keep them up forever working and working. Yeah. Well, my dad got breast cancer and he got his tick cut off within two weeks. Like he was like, well, yeah, he's going to be front of the line because sees it. He cut it off himself. Yeah, I mean he probably got up. Yeah, he probably good. He just had to drink some whiskey and bite down on a spoon like they do in Brave Heart or whatever time. So my thought though, is part's not civil war a little after yeah, freedom, they're talking war of eighteen twelve, Um, what happened? What year was that? Anyway? So what year was French and Indian where you actually know the French and Indian fought at the same time. Has anyone ever said that to you? I always felt that was really annoying. Wait what did they say? Well, you know the French and Indian War. I'm like, yeah, you know what it's called that because the French and the Indian fought together against the British. And I was like, oh, so it wasn't like a French versus Indians. No. Oh, I definitely thought that. I don't know anything about history. I'm like, I'm really scared about his story. But so a new patient can't be seen for months, right, does that? You know? What I think though? What I think is that a new patient, they most likely don't have cancer or most likely don't have anything that's going to make them more money, but a reoccurring patient is sick, so they're gonna keep making money off that patient, So it's probably easier as a reoccurring patient to get it. I think it's probably easier as a recurring patient because you have those miles, you know, like you have status at the place, you've been there before, you spent money. Like and when I call a place and I've been a a customer for a while, I would like to be right away over a new patient. But it is true, like new patients, like you, getting a doctor's appointment and getting in soon is just so hard to do. What are you going to the doctor for regular stuff? Well, Brenna saw like a thing on my ear where She's like, I think that's cancerous. And I was like, I don't say, what are you saying? Why what are you putting in my head? Here? Bree dog? I miss you, baby cakes. I mean maybe I don't think you want to let me see it. I mean, you can't even see. You're gonna say it's nothing, and then I'm overreacting, but I don't. It's like on my ear, but it's been there for a long time. It's a growth kind of thing. It's like right here, it's here, you see how it's raised, Like, yeah, I might have just some broccoli up there, but uh, you know, if you ate vegetables, I might think it was I go, I don't need to see anyone, and she's like, no, you gotta see. You have a dermatologist. So while I'm there, maybe I'll have them check out a few other things. What about like a regular doctor. Have you been like, got like a full exam? You're just well the one through ut after right, that's right. I mean I need to call it. I mean there's so much stuff I had have to do. Have you ever tried to make an appointment? And it's just like, yeah, what is that? I got to talk to my dad about. I talked to my father. I had a toothache like a month ago and I could in my mouth. And the first place I called I was like, oh you know, um, is there any way that I can come in? I'm just having this really bad toothache. And the reception is like straight like very straight face, goes um, okay, Well, the next appointment I have is twelve pm on October two. This is like and that was a month ago. Yeah, it was over a month ago that right then, your tooth are hurting? Now got a castaway and shoves ice skate in there and knock it out in ald Cave on An Island. I mean that is and I think it just depends because then I was able to call a different place and um, you know, the receptionist was a but kinder and like treated me like a human being. And she's like, you know what, why don't you just come out one o'clock today and we'll we'll put you in between the patients. And I said, okay, great, you know even if I have to wait around, and I just appreciate you letting me come in. Yeah, you know what, this talk is going to get me to make some doctor's appointments same right, like today, Well it's interesting like when because I hope, yeah, I got I got a week free in in April, so I think I want to I just want to get them scheduled now. I know that I have a spring break coming up and during the next summer Olympics. And then you finally go, You're like what's wrong? You're like, you're perfectly healthy. It's like, well, why the fund did I even come? It's it's important to go. Do you when you get when you get weighed at the doctor, do you want to know the number. I don't really care. I don't weigh myself much. But yeah, but when you go to the doctor, you get that, you get the number they usually tell you. I'd be completely fine with getting Oh man, I don't like the number. The number is never gonna like that. That has been something for me that has been very helpful with my body image stuff. Is just not ever weighing myself and not knowing the number ever even if I go to the doctor. I was listening to some radio show the other day and they're talking about going to the doctor and they're like, oh I am, I weigh a lot more than I thought. And it's just it doesn't ever make you, doesn't motivate you in the right way. It just makes you feel sad, which leads to eating more. Like you think it's gonna motivate you. It rarely does that, and it just makes you fucking so sad, and so I always do um. I was like, you know, get on the scale backwards and just have them and then I can hear them the pen kind of even writing, and I go, that was a one board. And sometimes they like they just purposely like leave it on the screen like they want you to fucking know. It's like there's this weird power that they know that they have over you. No one gets their weight and it's excited about it. Ever. I mean, that's the thing you if you go into the doctor and let's say I have a number in mind where I'm like, I know when i'm that number, I'm like so skinny and like my like everyone is like commenting on how skinny I am, but not in like a concerned way. It's like my best weight. That makes me feel like yeah, whatever, Like there's a number I have in my head if it if it is that number, then I have to Then I get in my head and I go, I gotta maintain it. I'm just at that number, so that means I'm quickly. I could go over that number very easily if I just drink too much water, And then I started obsessing over like we gotta stay at that. So it doesn't even even if I hit the number I want, it doesn't give me the satisfaction. If it's below then I start going, uh, well, maybe maybe I'm wrong about that number. Maybe the number has to be even lower because I don't feel like that skinny right now, and I don't even feel like good about myself. So now the number should maybe five pounds lower than I think it is. Now I'm now I'm over the number that I even went in four or it's a number. Most likely it's a number that's five pounds over what I think it is, and then that's a whole fucking thing. So just don't get the number for your know how your clothes fit, you know how it fits, don't get them. You don't need to know the number unless there is a tumorous mass that weighs thirty pounds somewhere in your system. That wouldn't affect the way your jeans fit. You don't need to know the number. You know when you put on clothes, if you're a little overweight or not. You just know, do you think? I think what happens to is like whatever your height is, there's like a number that they determine is what's healthy. And for me, I'm like five nine in a quarter two a half just under three quarters. Um, I think it's more like five eight, and the three quarters that's what I am were exactly the same mine. You're under five nine. I think I'm like right on, like a you must have shrunk because I'm five nine in a quarter where I really don't think I did. Maybe so anyway, alright, so six and no. But there's a way that they tell They're like, if you're five nine, you should be a sixty pounds. I will if I got to you would think I'm dying you You would say something to me like and you need to eat, something like there are there's I feel like there's like a putting that number. It makes the person think, oh, I'm not healthy unless on that number, and then they're gonna go crazy over the number, you know what I mean. See, that's so funny that you go, I'm not healthy if I'm at the number. I do not think of health when it comes to wait ever, and I that's that's because I'm so damaged from the way that. I mean, I went on a rant about it before you got in here. But like women do not. Really I'm not speaking for all of us, but when we think of a number, we don't go I'm not healthy at the number. We go, I'm not lovable at that number. I mean, that's what it translates to. It's interesting that you go, oh, I might be dying. I think women when they have extra weight. It's like I'm fat at that it's not like and fat doesn't equal unhealthy. And even though we know that if you're overweight you're more susceptible to disease and stuff like that, but it doesn't. That's like a that's an afterthought, like you Yeah, I was listening to some kind of like podcast yesterday about a girl that used to um you know, uh, induced vomiting by drinking ipocac. You know, the stuff that you give people if they have you know, parents used to have it just in case your kids eat poison, and so it will just make you puke everything, and and you can die from taking up a cap like it can often cause death in people. And the woman did it as a child because she's trying to lose weight, and she saw some you know, after school special about boliemi and was like, oh, I'll take this thing that my parents said make me throw up. So she did it and literally felt like she was dying. And then she found out it could kill you, and she kept doing it, and she was like she said something about like it didn't matter that it could kill me, Like I wanted to be thin more than health, Like it's not we we can pretend that these things are about like health, but it's like nothing tastes as good as skinny feels like. That's a line that Moss apparently said, but it um And you know, there have been times in my life that I did feel that way, but it wasn't like the way skinny feels made me feel good. It made me feel trapped in uh my own It was just the most isolating thing. It makes you. That's why I can't stand being around people who are dieting. I just won't do it because if you're dieting, you're hungry. You're either focused on like I get to eat soon, and that's all you can think of, so you're not present, You're not like with me, it makes me. It reminds me of being with drunk people. It's like I would hate to perform for a bunch of hungry people. It's the no. We all know that people get angry when they're hungry, angry, agitated. Yeah, And it's just like I don't want to be around anyone dieting. That's why I can't be around If my friends are doing some kind of cleanse, I go, I'm not gonna hang out with you. Because you're not even if you're like, I love it. It It makes me feel so good. I know you're looking at every like thing around you being like that looks good. I've been starving before. I know what it's like. It's not fun, and so if you, yeah, I just I cut people out of my life that are That's why it gets so mad at you when you like don't prepare to eat because I don't want to be around you when you're hungry. But I don't. I'm not ever angry towards you. You're not angry, but you're just it's not even angry, it's distracted. It's like, but I do think it's not because you're doing it to lose weight. You just like didn't bring a snack for like a long travel day. I hear you, but I just like with that, I just feel like, if if I'm hungry, I'll eat like I don't know if like you're putting on like I feel like. I know I'm trying to control your situation. I get that, and it's none of my business. But if I have to be around you for a long car ride after we landed an airport, and I know we're gonna get there and nothing's gonna be open to eat and nothing. Then that's your own like brain of what you People don't noticed you're different when you haven't eaten, not just me, but buddy, people have noticed I'm different. Yeah, I guess you're just me. But everyone is different. I mean, but you're saying that like like people are like Andrews. They are, Yeah, they are. I mean, no, you are different when you're hungry, and so I don't want to be around it. And I know that's trying to control you, but I can't, like, you know, do a roll out of a van just like onto the highway to get away from you. I just have to be around it. I know. But why don't you just say, hey, Andrew, you're being at the time. Well that's why I feel like people are talking about me behind my back. No, no no one's talking about you behind your back. It's just a thing because I've said before too, like we need to have food for Andrew before we get to the show because I don't like his energy when he's hungry, and so when when you eat, you just calm down a lot. It's true, It's true, dude, I I do. You don't think that you're different after you've eaten. No, I just can't believe. It's just a topic of conversation that I'm not even privy to. It just it's not making fun of you, not like judgment about that. It's just like, oh, that it is good to have food around, because it seems that Andrew might be a little bit more anxious when he's hungry. I'm sorry, Are you super bumped? No, I'm not bummed. I just find it just like it's just funny, like what people talk about. I just don't even like it's just something that I would never even notice on with someone else. But no, but like, yeah, no, I get it. It's just funny that it's this conversation. Let's get to the news. I wonder who else it is? Yours? Now? I heard it her second today. Folks, I hope you're having all the swells out there. I was, but now I need to eat something. Would you rather me not tell you a thing that I thought it wasn't a big deal. That's why I told you. I don't mean to make you feel paranoid. Now. That's the thing. Is like, if someone's talking said something about you and notice something, would you prefer not to know it. I mean, is it almost like YouTube comments? Should I just not say that? No, I just feel like there's a way to tell someone without a feeling judgment or critical. Sorry, it was just I. I do apologize for making it sound critical. I'm just saying, like I tried to. I tried. It's not just you. I tried to do that with everyone's hunger because when I noticed when people get hungry, they don't even notice that they're different. I'm super tuned into it because I lived that lifestyle for so long that I can pick up on the slightest like I can just be like I do it to the guy I'm dating all the time, I'm like, we have to stop and get something to eat, and he's like, I'm not hungry, and I go, you commented on the way here that you were hungry. We got to the restaurant, you didn't eat anything because you didn't like your meal. There's no way you're not hungry because you just ate two bites and you were hungry before that. So we're going to stop and get something. Then he gets annoyed, He's like, I don't need anything. Then we finally eat and it's like a different person after it, and I'm just like, I can't stand I guess what it is though, is like before like you started like working on your stuff with the eating stuff, like when we first started being friends for the first year and a half, you want to eat all day. Yeah, I know, and then you'd be irritable and then like if I would, I felt like I couldn't even bring it up to you without you getting upset with me. So that's why, like I think sometimes I just like, and we've talked about this before, like it's like if I feel like I can't say something to you, but then you're just so easily able to say something. I felt comfortable saying that because you had previously said seconds before I said that, that you don't have an eating disorder for sure, for sure, And no, I get that, I get that, But I think I'm just telling you, like why I think certain things like probably affect us with our friendships sometimes and it's not like a big deal. I'm just saying, like, I think that's probably where it stems from whenever I might get upset. No, I get it, like it it's it's hard to hear that I didn't say that in a nice way that like someone had noticed that, Like it sounds like we're like talking ship, but it wasn't. I presented in a way that sounded like we were like gossiping behind your back, and it it probably didn't feel good to hear that. And I it wasn't gossip. It was just like, oh, it's you're right, it's Andrew does like to have snacks backstage, and it makes could make them calm down a little bit, just like you calm down after you take a you take a briso poop one. Your boy's been pooping a little less but not much. Okay to the news, I hope you're having all the wells. This wasn't a fight really easily. And I I instigated that. I I owned up to that. That wasn't nice of me, okay. A new survey of two thousand Americans age fifty and older found that are having better sex or the best sex of their lives as they as they've aged. Of those surveyed have sex more than five times a week, and one in four admit they have sex outside the bedroom, like the laundry room or staircase. So yeah, So essentially people are are when their kids leave, they start, you know, they just fucking probably feel more free to just start screaming and put it to the Yes, fifty and older. I just don't believe this. Did they just go to like a Sandals resort in Forever a swinger's weekend as Sandals, remember, Yeah, and that's that's the place I was looking for. I mean, I hope this is true, but I feel like most people that get older like kind of lose theirs. I think, well, five times a week seems like a lot. What else are they doing if they're getting there four oh one, they're just sucking all day. The Villages is a place in Florida. Okay, have you heard of that? There are a lot of places and that are a lot of places. No, but the Villages is known. It's like this huge community of like people that are sixty and older and all they do is drink bud Light and the number one bud Light sales and the number one STDs or number one Herpes sales is in the Villages because all they do is drink beer. And I'll funk each other. No, what else did this say? And what what what? I can't I just don't believe that what I wanted to add, the scientists who conducted the survey said the changes that come with aging make women and men communicate more, get more creative, have more time to explore, which leads them to getting the right type of satisfaction. That's a good point. I do find that as you get older and you can just know what you want and uh, you can just have better sex and you can have that's just the best part about being in a relationship as being able as a young person being in a relationship because I don't know what it's like to be much older, But I feel like if I would probably be more prone to have casual sex as I get older because I just I care less about what people think. I'm not worried about my body as much. I just accept myself more. So I would probably have more of it than I had as a young person, because as young person, I'm so scared I'm gonna be bad at it. I don't even know what I like. Um there, I'm not going to be able to tell them that I don't like that thing that they're doing, and and so then I'm just gonna end up doing it, and then I'm gonna feel bad because I just let this guy do this thing to me, and I didn't you know, like all these things, So that makes sense to me. Actually you're having like you know, you start off you have sex in the dark. It reminds me of like when I'm in the locker room at a gym and there's an old man and frinkly penis is like perfect technalogy two inches away from my face and he's so comfortable. So I'm sure he's probably pretty cool with his So any time time to do things over and over, you get more comfortable with it. At that point, he probably started out as a young kid like hiding his penis, and then he eventually ends up just blow drying his balls with my hair with the with the round brush. Um, they're so saggy he can get like a nice like he can curl them like a Jennifer and aston like hairstyle. Wait a second, so that this totally now makes sense. It's like you get more comfortable because I feel like there's something sad about that though, because and I'm finding this in my own life, like the more comfortable I get with sex and the more open I am to like having weirder sexual experiences or like doing kind of stranger things. Um that might uh that in the past, I would have been so scared to do oh judgmental of But now that I'm getting older, I'm getting closer to being married, which then locks me down to one person. So there's kind of an irony there of like I'm finally ready to spread my labia wings red bull, and now I have to shut it down because I'm getting closer to wanting to settle down. Well what's interesting then, But then like the idea of fucking at first is like there's still a party that's like sucking for reproduction, for having babies for like, like there's a reason why get rid of that. Then it's just for fucking. Then it's just for fun, it's all sport. But but also I plan on being married by that, Like I plan on being in a committed relationship by the time I'm in my fifties, and so that is going to limit me to one partner. But maybe we might be swingers or if ig on it wing, that's true. I think you already own it. Yeah I do. I used to know swing. I don't know what happened to it. Yeah, I really think you donated it. Yeah I did. No it was um. I used to say that that sex wing looked like the way they fed the cows to the velociraptors or to the t rex. You know. I was like, mo, and it's like being lowered and that thing it's the same device. Wait a second, I do find this kind of I'm learning this kind of blues my mind because I do find that, for the first time ever, I am like really not scared about sex stuff and like, oh, I could go scope make like I used to be just so terrified of like holding hands with a boy, kissing a new guy, and now I'm like, oh, it's not that hard to do. And now I'm like getting closer to like locking it down. I'm like, oh, now and finally free and I gotta lock it down, finally free sexually and you but then you're free sexually because but but I want to have sexual experiences that with a lot of people and like different things, and like, you know, I want to experience like all my number is in the teens, right, but it's all those A lot of those times I don't remember because I was drunk and so they don't even count. So really, if we're talking about sexual experiences, people I've had sex with that, I remember having sex with We're below ten for sure, and that's not like a sexually fulfilling life. I don't know. I board. I want to see you right out like a teacher I have I have written out like everyone like minus for due to being hammered minus three doing. Let me think about your own self, like thinking about the number, like the times you remember versus the times you do remember. But that is why I think I am ready for ready for really in a relationship that I love, because when I did get sober the last three years, I did have more sex than I usually have had. And I've been and I was sober, so I'm like, okay, I remember those those were fun. I got that out of my system. You haven't done that doesn't feel like a need, Like I don't feel that, like that primal need. I think that I could find someone that is into like swinging or whatever, but then I always feel like, yeah, there's such a I just think it's cool. That's cool to talk about. But I think and for me, like for me, it would be like okay, yeah we could both different people. That would be cool, Like I like, even in my mind, I'm like that could be cool, you know together though, But even that, I just feel like it's like the what's that movie with Richard not Richard Geared the million dollar proposal or whatever decent proposal. Yeah, so something like that where he gave his gave him a million dollars that sex with his wife. Yeah, it's cool. No, it was the other way around. The guy gave him a million dollars to have sex with this. Yeah, here, here's a million dollars. Please. Fun that's so funny to do a remake, it's so funny. What would you not what would do a million dollars? What would you do if I gave could you my wife and get a million dollars? Yeah? I could do that? And the guy's like, no, I want I don't want to suck your wife firm? But I said that wrong. Well you already said it. Sorry, goddamn it, my dear, my hand is oak or whatever. They say, Uh yeah, so what's the problem with that? No? No, Like so like the idea of it, like, oh, we got a million dollars, now I could we could buy a house, we could take our kids to college. But you've you fucked Robert Redford and I'll never I'll never be able to not only that Robert Redford her good. Oh that's the problem. But the thing is, like he know they The thing is they had an intimate, they went up, they spent time together like they go on a helicopter. Yeah, like he wooed her. It wasn't just about the sex. A woman can have good sex and not go I need to be with that person if it's just sex, if it's just like you know, with but then he goes back to your whole thing. Though, like, once you get sex into va giant, you're connected no matter what. I don't think that If it's just sex in your vagina and it's just happening without you, like talking to that person, getting to know that, then it can exist in that bubble of like that fun bubble. But how often is a woman letting a guy in her vagina and she doesn't even know it? I mean, that's not happening that almost every night in college. Well yeah that's happening. But I'm talking about you know, if I'm letting a guy in my vagina, I've probably known him very well at this point, and so that's going to be getting your vagina you either have to marry you or make a deal with my boyfriend and wear a mask. Yeah. Yeah, I mean I only told you about the mask thing. But I'm glad you listen. I I screwed you before with bringing up the a figment of speech or whatever. Yeah. I did tell Andrew that I was down for a gang bang, but I would have to wear a mask. Yes, and no, I wasn't even talking about that. I really was. Yeah, I don't want anyone to know if I ever do a gang bang that it's Nicky Glazer. I don't want them to be able to say that, even though I've come out and said that I will be participating in these, I don't want them to be able to say that, Well, now the cats out of the bag that you're wearing on your head, Well, they won't know. They won't know. All right, let's get to another news story. Your feet, though, that's the I really didn't think that last night when I was talking about I'm not even joking you. I was like, I will have to because sometimes I want to film it, you know, put it out there. And I'm like, no, I don't have any tattoos, but my feet are real giveaways. You just have a mask in socks on sh okay a twenty four year old man, or like those like just like those dinosaur like slippers that are like fake feet, like hulk feet. Maybe put those on my feet. That's rich because I feel like even you got to cover the wart scar Oh yeah, my knee, I'll patch that up to god. Damn it, I have too many things. You're just gonna be a whole, that's all I want to make. Glory hole will be like Okay, I know that nicky wall. Yeah, I know there's the Taylor Swift poster on there that you overpaid for. Yeah, my asshole is ringed with the Taylor Swift lyrics. There's a line around it that says, uh, yeah tis the damn season around the ring of ever wre okay, barely scarf? Is that in the dresser? Twenty four year old man found love and a new kidney through Tinder. It's pretty crazy, so to a gay guy. I found a guy on Tinder, ended up having a great connection with him, and then told him that he would need a kidney, and the guy gave him his kidneys. They were so in love and so committed to each other. How long did this take like quick quick. The guy that's limorans baby, oh you think he gave him the kidney during like the fun point, and then he's like, yeah, this is the this is the honeymoon stage. This is how you get a kidney. If you get in that beginning, don't wait until they've fallen out of love with you. Don't ask for a kidney down the line. You get in the beginning of that time where your machine gun king married though fox, Oh they did, they are married. You want to get into vagina, you gotta give me that kidney. That's so sweet. I would love to give someone my kidney. I think that is a beautiful thing. Does that for a loved one? I really, I don't know what that says about me that I'm dying to give someone my kidney, but um, I would like to do that for someone in my life. Yeah, I would love to get be weird. If you asked for a kidney, I was like, I when can we get in? You just want to kill me from the inside too. I start just like, what do you do to get kidney damage? Whatever? And that is I do that? Well. I think there should be like an app for um owner owners people wanting to give up their organs. I think that's so weirdly like illegal or something. I don't know, like you put up your blood or you put up like what you are. Yeah, you're you're like I would like to give you my right ear. Yeah, you're you're gonna van go. I think you should send your ear to Brenna in the mail like van go. Like, Babe, I got rid of it. I'm no longer cancerous, but I do have a little hole on the side of my head. She's like, yeah, I'll give you my kidney grosser than just like a hole on the side of your head where an ear used to be, Like that growls me off, or when people lose their nose and it's just like a whole Like I don't know why that bothers me so much. Well, it's just tripped tri pophobia. Have you ever heard of that? No, it's as when you're afraid of turkey. No, it's when you're maybe tripp to fan andto phobia. Um. No, it's when triple fanto phobia is when you trip over a fan board and you're scared of I don't want that. Actually, I actually get I have that fear at mut and greets that people trip over the cord that are the lights and memory time they walk up, I go to do with it. Like the whole time, I'm just like nervous about people fan or whatever. It's like t r y p f O B. I think it's triple phobia, but it's um My mom has it big time, and my sister kind of has it. It's when you're scared of a lot of little holes all clustered together and it makes your skin crawls. Um, Swiss cheese can cause tripophobia, but oftentimes it's like the holes have to be like close together, and it's just like can give you It's on Reddit, so is it like a little thin line between each hole, like it almost looks like rotting carts. But it's just like I have it too. But my mom really has it, like she can't even look at Like my tie used to have bolted feathers, and the feathers you could see them like coming out of its hair almost. They were like these tubes that like before the feather would like turn into a feather, it would be like the tubes that would be all close together. And my sister and I would be like it's it's doing the thing again, and it was it was trypophobia. When your mom comes over, you should put curlers in and see what happens. Um you know what I'm talking about, Like when the legaments rip and there's like one like it's just barely holding on and it's just the one fiber, like like when there's something like ripping on your jeans have like a hole in it and it's just like one little sing and I'm just like or when a man has a ponytail and it's just a little like a braid and it's just braided down and then they turn do they do the rubber band around the tiniest like it's like three hairs that have a rubber band around it. I want to I want to die. I seriously feel like my skin is melting off my face when I see like a Willie Nelson little braid that's like like, oh, I actually had a dream of the Southern Night where my hair was in a bunch of little like Julio doesn't bother me. Those are like thicker pieces of hair. But okay, we gotta go to break and we'll come back with why do I care? Why do I care? I don't even know anymore? Why do I care? Ninety year old actor William Shatner, whoa yeah, and his last name is Shatner, which is hilariously. He's going to space, that is funny. Yeah, with Jeff Bezos Blue Origin. Next week he's going up to William Shatner's ninety Jesus Christ. I mean Star Trek just was you know? I never watched it? Did you ever watch not a single not even a second? I mean literally not a second. No, were you ever into any of that stuff? No? I never watched it. I hear it's great though, But yeah, I mean I heard that like and like shows like Babylon five and um, I just hear him and I get angry. I don't know why. I don't know why. I've never been I hate like the future, like get out of here? Well, because you it's the only time you can get a doctor's appointment. It's on a space station. Any Um. Okay, he's going to space with Elon Musk Jeff Bezos, rich guy. Yeah, Elon Musk has fake hair. Bezos went bald. Um. That's interesting that Bezos did it get a wig because it was too late. You can't wait that long you can. I mean Brian or Lacker did. But but and he, like Brian or Lacker did, got a wig or transplant and like went from bald to that and was like, yeah, I just got it. But everyone thought different can't do like men can't do that, Like I don't mind a bald guy being like, I'm just gonna get a wig and just do it. Our friend Robbie College or dead I love and he put it on Instagram. He's like, listen, I have a hairpiece. This is my new life. And it's like, good for you. When I wear fake eyelashes, I'm not like, oh my god, someone knows that I have fake or like hair extensions and you gotta address it. Like what he did. He made a post he said, hey, I got it, but but I still don't think that men people don't like to be tricked. That's what it is. No, it's not that people make five men who go from bald when women can do women can go get spray tans, they can do all these things, but men are not allowed to make an egregious change in their looks without it being like like sad or something. We knew he was bald and now you're allowed have hair, you had hair before. Why can't you go back to hair if it's fake, because then it admits that you're insecure about your baldness, and that's such a pussy move, really, or or you just are bald and miserable. There's also a difference between a guy that and you don't. La was bald by choice and all the funny. He's like, I just want to grow it up. Yeah, it's like the Seinfeld thing when she's like, grow your hair out. You have this hair and he grew out. Oh, I love that, and he goes, She goes, you're bald, and he goes, I was. That's a different one. I'm talking about the one where she saw his driver's license and saw that he had a fool had a great hair, and he had a shaved head. And she's like, you can grow your hair out. And then he grew it out and he's he was bald, he was thinning. It wasn't the same. I don't remember that one anyway. So he's going to space, he's going on that thing. It's going to sixty six miles in the air and then coming right back down in a parachute, and I gotta tell you. If you're on star track and you're going warped speed, keep saying start track. Yeah, it's trek tracks. So did you just find out to start track and not track? So more to the story. Um, people always say that you say star trek rock. Who's all this just kidding? I know he's paying it. I was playing, I was playing. I think this is like your get up today makes me think that you can take and I can. But this look makes you seem like you're jook, right. Yeah, I know you walked in here dying for me to say something about it. And I tried to see wearing for audio listeners. He's wearing a jean jacket with a shirt with a shirt underneath. He's wearing sunglasses and a backwards white cap. And my beard is thick these days. Oh, I forgot that because i'm beard's jacket. It's it's a fall, that's what. Is that a new jacket or something? No, it's it's an old new jacket. I guess. Um, your dad wears a Jeane jacket a lot. He actually rocks it in a manly way, which makes me happy. I'm glad that my dad inspired some of your fashion let's move on. I really don't care about old men in space at all. Let's get on to top one, bottom one. It's our Monday topic. Top one, bottom one. What's our topic, Noah, Today we're talking about top one, bottom one. Shoes shook. Now, this might be shoes that you wear, shoes that you notice other people wearing, but this is just h least favorite kind of shoe, most favorite kind of shoe. Um, do you want to start us off? Um, Andrew, I guess least favorite shoe for me is uh Oh, that's tough. I go through a lot of phases, as you know, so any phase that has ended up being the shortest phase, it's probably the So you're going with shoes that you've wore, not like women's shoes that you've noticed that you don't like that. I mean, you could do whatever you whe I'm just wondering which lane your I thought we were going, Like, you came up with shoes and I just go shoes sounds good shoes in general, But anything I bought recently I bought. I'd be shocked if one of us doesn't say the shoes that have like the little toes highlighted, you know, the rubber shoes kind of like those I tried them on before. I like liking them because I think it's so hacked to hate them. Yes, okay, Um, I bought boots. I bought Timberland boots recently because I was watching a lot of country music. I was watching a lot of Morgan Wall and a lot of Poor me Um and uh, I was like, well, I'll just be the relatable guy with his boots on stage with my Yeah, he came out, We're walking these boots waiting for me to say something, and you're like, are you going hiking? And you're like, I was autistic about it. I'm jaded. Have you watched the New Love on the Spectrum. There's this new guy named Jaden, and let me just you're, well, Jaden is an interesting guy because he is the type of autistic that's like he's kind of like the way that I was saying that that one girl was where she was like, I don't she doesn't understand why people do things just out of like being polite. She's like like almost before when I go oh, I said the thing about oh, someone noticed Also I'm like, well that's a fact that proves my point. Why wouldn't I share that fact? And people go because it's rude to tell someone that they've been talked about behind their back. That makes people uncomfortable, and I'd go, well it should well would you rather not know? It's a thing that happened, and it supported my thesis, So that was kind of autistic of me being like, why are you offended? It shouldn't offend you. It's a fact. And Jaden is like that he um. He had this really interesting thing where he says that he doesn't understand, like societal norms are like no, you know, he's talking to this girl about going on a date and she goes, well, you know you um, when you sit down, you could offer her water And he goes, is there water on the table with a glass? And she's like yeah, probably, And he's like, well, why wouldn't she pour it herself? Like if she does, she is her arm working. She's like probably, but like it's just a nice thing to do, and he's like, okay, it's a nice thing to do it Like I'll remember that, but like he has to, like he has to. He doesn't know that it's a nice thing to do. He doesn't understand why that's a nice thing to do, because he goes, doesn't that take away her autonomy as a person that could do it herself. So and he he had a really interesting example. He goes, I don't use I don't do anything that doesn't serve a purpose, and like has a reason for it. He said, I shake hands. I shake hands not because you're supposed to shake hands, but because there is a reason you shake hands. When you would shake with your right hand, your right hand would always have your hand on your sword back in the day, so if you shook with your right hand, you were disarmed. So it was a fat, friendly greeting that said I don't I'm not gonna hurt you. Hello. It's a way to tell someone I'm your friend, I'm not gonna hurt you. A shaking hand without a reason behind it doesn't make any sense, just shaking hands. Why would that mean I'm not gonna hurt you if it doesn't attach to the meaning to the sword. And so that's why he shakes hands is because, oh there's this meaning attached to it. And I think that for your boots, I felt the same way of like, why would you have hiking boots if you shan't hike and shan't I use that wrong, but I wanted to speak in jan Look, I shan't didn't have bottom for sure. Um, I shan't help it. I'm gonna will. But yeah, so I bought these boots and I haven't worn him once, and I I honestly might never. Wait, why was it because I said that? No, No, I just really anything. It just doesn't really make sense to wear hiking boots just to hike myself on stage. For dude, I said this to you, and you got really defensive. But you said they looked cool, and I go, okay, well, then there's well I thought they were enough of a regular boot to counteract the hike, but I've since realized they're too hike. They're too hikey. Why didn't you just buy the same boot that Walen has. I couldn't. He has cowboy boots, which I couldn't go full cowboy boots, gotcha? Okay, so those are your least favorite boots? Yeah, anything that you buy and you've never worn once because you automatically regret it. Okay, Noah, least favorite shoe. I think the clog has to do it for me as a least favorite shoe, Yeah, like with with a wooden bottom. It just I feel like a robot when I walk in them. And one time, um, the bottom of a clog like cut my ankle because the shoe is so like rigid that I bumped it into my ankle and I have like a deep cut and I just can't get over it. Wait, you wore clogs like when I was a kid? Yeah, okay, but clocks are so comfy, like birkenstock. Clogs are like the Swedish clogs straight up wooden clogs. Yeah, why were you wearing wooden clogs though? I'm just even as a kid. Maybe it was fashionable. They were in style like in the nineties and I got a pair of clogs. Okay, that makes sense. Um, I'm gonna go with my least favorite shoe is any one that has a pointy toe, because every fucking shoe has a point he got damn toe. But the ones that are really really pointed, and the ones, especially a strappy sandal that the last strap on the toe box right, the last strap is like two inches long? Who the fox foot? Your foot is supposed to be? Can we glue look at the history of like truly is trying to make you have smaller feet, so you're like a smaller I don't know that it turns you into a bird, a bird claw. It's like it's like bound feet in ancient China. Like it's getting back to that of like women need to be disabled almost so I don't know, but women love having like a pointy toe. My feet are pointed in uh they are. They are in the shape of a shoe, and it bothers me and so I blame like, you know, my severe foot paint on these damn point shoes STI let us. But really it's any shoe that um, especially a very high heels also my least favorite to them. Let me just go grab it. I mean it's uh, guys, I was buying sneakers recently. You get a wide sneaker, like that's what they offer. A wide shoe. No one, No one gives a ship. I'm gonna get wide. My feet are gonna get too wide. Yeah, it's wilds These shoes can suck my dick. Really these Yeah, that's insane. Basically when you're having Yeah, it's like probably at one two it's probably a four inch here bax to Letto can I try it on? Please? These will think you too. I just want to see what it feels like to be Oh my god, this is so satisfying. Mind you gave me a foot rub this weekend. No, and it was. I offered him a hundred dollars to it. It was so good. Yeah, I'm not getting you. See that your boy's got skills. This is ridiculous them both okay, okay, okay, I mean, dude, stand stand with all because all your week goes to your foot, so it shoves it even further down. Now, walk a little, a couple of steps. Oh, you looks so pretty. I mean they do look like if you had sorts on, you would see how fucking good they make care legs look. Yeah, like, look, let's look at you. Oh my god, this is hilarious. Hold on, come over here, I want to see what they Oh my god, I mean they look so good, Andrew, hold on, my pinky toe is already hurting me. I mean that looks so good. I gotta be honest, my pinky toe is robbing. Been wearing them for less than thirty seconds, dude, Yeah, they're awful. And then so a high this shoe because it doesn't look cute with a toe box that's just like square, they don't look as cute. No, I don't agree. But you can have a point, right, So let's make this wider and you can still have a point, but it has nothing to do because then the point is going to come out. So if you make it wide so that your whole foot fits in, and then you point it so that there's nothing in the point, then you then you just have like a really then you're gonna look like you're wearing size fifteen shoes and it's going to look shack or it's gonna be too wide with a short point, which will look here, and your foot will sled into that point unless there's like something stopping it, in which case your foot will just slam into it. Because when you're in a heel, you're it's like your foot's going down a slide and gravity is sending your whole body towards the football. It's it's awful. One night of those shoes would make your foot have Bunyan's one night. It doesn't take like you know years. It was one one time I wore shoes like that and I got bunyans. I love it. Today, like put this thing in there, like, oh yeah, your feet will just pads. Can some girls send me a foot sprite to numb my feet before I wear them on stage? Just numb your foot and I go this, thank you for this. And I know a lot of women do that, but I don't want to numb. When you numb it, the pain is still taking place, the disfigurement. It's not even a band. I'm not gonna lie like, wait, do you see the pictures? Your feet look awesome? Final thought? Favorite shoes, Um, favorite shoes I would have to say, are either these guys or the air Cortez, which I copy child. Those guys are what night e Nike air Cortez. They're just very comfortable. I don't know. I like them. They're clean and then when they get dirty. I like a shoe that even if it gets dirty, it still looks cool. Okay, oh yeah, those one shoes with the stars on them that everyone was buying for like six hundred dollars a couple of years ago, that come dirty. You're talking about wild There's literally Jim at Sacks and they were like six hundred dollars and they looked they looked like they were found in a dumpster. There's maybe four companies that sell a white sneaker, Like, there's just I have a great idea of Mom, I want you to invest six grand into my company because I want to make like a white sneaker. That's I don't understand what motivates people to make products that already exist. Like when people go I have a new CBD line, I'm like, what do you think you're bringing to the CBD market that, besides the label in a different name that isn't already I just don't get it. It's people's entrepreneurial spirit is really for things that already exist. Blows my mind. The and maybe it works. I don't know my favorite, Oh no, what's your favorite? Chio Actually, I just bought the most expensive pair of sneakers I've ever bought in my life from Brooks and it was good. I actually and I went to an actual shoe store where the saleswoman understood, uh, you know, arches and all that stuff, and I and I bought this brook sneaker the books Aerial, which I didn't I thought Birks was like an old people's line, but it's I I love it. I feel like I'm walking on a cloud. Um yeah, I mean I think that's this is totally an old person's podcast because we're listening shoes that are like I literally bought new balances earlier this morning, new balances. I did you steal mine? No, I got it from Jack Carlo. Oh who's Jack Carlo? He's the White rapper. Oh yeah you did. Okay, Yeah, I just bought some new new balances that are so comfy. But I'm on my I've actually I had severe put foot paint this uh this weekend, and um, on the plane, my foot would swell from all the damage from wearing not all my boots now are very uh you know, uh one and a half inches nothing, you know, or or one inch not all these boots I'm wearing on stage now, much more comfortab little than what I was doing, but still extreme pain from just being on my feet all night and then um and my and then I would wear these new balances and they would start throbbing the next day in these comfortable shoes. I had to kick them off on the plane last night because they would swell. I mean, I am carving out a part of my day today to go get a foot rub or I truly need one from you again. I'm not joking. You was the best thing I've it's it's it feels wrong. Can you give me a foot rub once in a while like that? Yeah? I can't just stop talking about my eating behind your back. It's hard to wear your back starts and begins. J K, you're perfect. Um, you did puff out your stomach this weekend. It was so funny you stood on top of it. It was like you mount your favorite My favorite shoe is definitely the Ultra a L t R A Ultra. It's um, it's for women with like Bunyan feet and it's has wide toebox and it's not even for women just with Bunyon feet, but it's like it's a running shoe that's four runners and it has a wide toebox. You will not because Nike shoes also have the point going on. Ask your questions. I can't bind regular running shoes because you wore your outfit, your hot outfit right this weekend and one night where your new balances on stage. Just try it and this the shoes are a part of the outfit, dude, Like it just is like but you like going against the grain. You said you like, uh, those toe shoes. Because everyone I'm saying I like saying I like them. I don't actually like them. I like enough fit to look good. That's the problem is these shoes look good, you know, pointed toe shoes. There's a reason they. We have been conditioned to think that women with tiny, pointy feet are hot. I don't know what it is, but it just you know, women used, we never used to care about women being hairless, and then all of a sudden it became the norm. And now women with hair it's like it's hair on your legs. It's like a masculine thing, when in nor it didn't used to be that way. It's like, I'm just conditioned by society to think that she was like that look cute. Passion is so weird. I don't understand it. I'm just starting to like kind of get a good grasp on it. But sometimes I'm like, why does that look good? Tucked in? And that doesn't? Like? Why that belt? And not? Like sometimes I feel so confused of why something works and something doesn't. And I've learned from my stylist enough to like, well, you don't that's a little matchy matchy they say a lot, like you would think that matching. Yeah, like you can't match too much. Like sometimes I'll wear like a black skirt with um like a like I'll have white boots on, but you don't want to put on another thing. That's like you either want to do all white or you want to do white boot boots and then like not another white piece because it will be matchy matchy. Um, Like a black skirt and a white top with white boots too matchy matchy. But if you do white boots with black and then another color shirt, that is not matchy matchy, but you can It's like it's but but if you do a white boot, but if you do a white long boot that goes up to you like a knee high that is so much white, you don't want to match it with any other white unless it's like white ear rings. But not a white shirt and white earrings. That's too matchy matchy. I don't know what I'm talking about, but I do feel like Instagram has given me a better sense of style just from observing other women, and I think that I'm just in starting to embrace style. I counted my number of Taylor Swift shirts. Yesterday or a couple of days ago before I left town. I think that for the rest of the podcast, I'm going to see how many days I can wear a tailor different Taylor Swift shirt in a row and see how many Let's just see, this is day one, everyone. I got a question. It is day one. Is there a woman shoe that could still look sexy? I know we were kind of talking about it, but it has there been like a woman designer that has just leaned into comfortable nous. Calla shoes are for women with Calla C L L. But it's out of the UK and they're on TikTok and they show women with like severely bunyan feet putting their feet into shoes that are truly comfortable women's shoes that look really good. So I would love to know because they're in the UK, and it's always like I just don't care about shoes that much to to do it, but I care about your feet because one I have to rub them to man, I love having feet that are like the way that you made my feet feel like. Honestly, you brought me a lot of more pleasure than most like sexual experiences in my life. Not all but like foot rubs. To me, it's not sexual, but it's like it's such good pain that it's so freaking good. Yeah. I don't think you've ever been a better friend than the two minutes after the rub to me, like I just felt a vibe where we were just connected as friendship. Thank you so much. It's all I've ever wanted. My feet are like seriously tingling right now, like they're almost getting wet even thinking about being robbed. I'm not joking. I'm getting like blue balls on my feet where it's like I don't think you can rub them. And you thought he was going to like my feet got excited, funk. Okay, we gotta go. Thank you for listening to the podcast, See you tomorrow on the show. Thank you so much to all the best sis that came out to the shows this weekend. We love you so much. We're gonna read your notes on fans tracks on Thursday. And Um, don't be and and Jack from that one song right, Um, what about the guy that you rip off choose? Oh yeah, Jake, No, Jack Carlow, Jack, Carlo

The Nikki Glaser Podcast

Every Monday through Thursday, comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced 
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