#11 Yeah, Dad Ya Clown!

Published Apr 8, 2021, 1:00 AM

Nikki feels her emotions stirring as she anticipates an end. Good thing Andrew has a headline in the segment You Heard It Here First about emoting through music. She blows off steam with Korn lyrics while Andrew is coming off the high of finally getting "verified".

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The Nicky Glazer Podcast Nicky Glazers, Nikki Yeah here, I am Hello everyone, It's Nicky Glazers Nicki Glazer Podcast. How are you all doing this Wednesday morning? I hope you're doing well. I don't hope you're having fun because you'll get hoped to that later. But let's start it off. No uh, I love when you introduced me. It makes me feel so good and I want to let everyone know that we do listen to the intra song and we dance along to it before we get in. It lifts my spirits on your Marina check her out. She has a Patreon. Um noah, how are you? I'm good yesterday? What a whirlwind. Thank you all for while you didn't know that any of that happened, but someone had commented on our Instagram listen if there isn't lost audio, it's not a Nicky Glazer podcast. And you know what, I like that that's our brand. We're winging it here in the Cavan Islands. But we have um we we. I didn't mind taping two episodes at all. It was so fun. I was actually like grateful because I was like so amped up from Conan that I didn't want to stop talking and Conan, Uh, it came out. I gotta say Noah. Like last night, my parents watched Conan and then they texted me like as they were watching it. They're always the first to text me anything I'm on because they, you know, watch things live like old people, and they wrote for an episode. First of all, and Conan, I talked about how I like compliments and how I need them to be like good compliments. I mean, my mom goes, uh. First of all, I told my mom to watch the documentary Don't Funk with Cats a couple of days ago, and then I got a text on her on Sunday, O MG, exclamation mark don't Funk with Cats for exclamation marks. Oh my god, exclamation mark. Then and my Conan appearance killed it on Conan for exclamation marks not bad and you look amazing to one exclamation mark. Okay, I know everyone's like, how could that be better? That's fine, that was fine. That was actually like a good response. Then I go, oh, good, funny question mark. And then I asked some questions. Um, I said, I felt weird about the Hall Past thing, but that convo really did happen, and I didn't plan for it to where I told Conan and he's my hale one of my hale past is. I really didn't. I was like really worried yesterday that was gonna come across like I was like hitting on a married man. But it was just like anecdotal because I just talked I don't even have a boyfriend to make a hall pass with, but he his name had come up the day before, so I felt like I have to prove to you, Conan that you are buckaba um and she just goes it was really good. And then my dad wrote, great job on Coco exclamation mark, exclamation mark, really funny looking great to exclamation mark. I know, these are like what more could you ask for? My parents earnts are so effusive with their compliments that these are like a B minus of a compliment. I just have to say so. And based on my Conan appearances from the past, like they just didn't measure up. So to me, this was probably not my best con In appearance. And that's okay because you can't always top yourself and sometimes you have to have peaks or valleys to have peaks. And I said, oh good. You never know how they edit it. He said, bad edit on the first commercial break, and I'm like, okay, well that's I go, well, there's no place to cut. I guess that's not my fault. He said, they just stopped you in mid sentence. I go, oh, well, it will be full online. No one watches the show live anyway. He said, well done as usual period. I said, thanks, tried my best exclamation mark. He goes, you nailed it, and I could tell you were having fun. Loved it when someone says I could tell you we're having fun equals not a good compliment, like just have fun out there. It looks like you had fun. Why did they have to include that last part about the edit, Like that's a note too, you know, the editor or something not. My dad can't help himself, but saying like things that he because you know what, he thinks I could have stopped and been like, hey, do you want me to give you a good commercial outro, like where it would end naturally, Like he thinks I could have cut in there and done something. And that's why I had to say, it's not my fault. Uh. But it's just like he always gets mad, you know, he gets mad about it. He gets mad when people don't intro me correctly. They don't tout my accomplishments enough. That article. It was great, but they only said you appear regularly going and do the roast. They didn't say that you had your own shows. They didn't say that you tour theaters, you have Netflix specials and I go Dad. They can't copy and paste my IMDb in in a tweet. You know, it's going to take up too many characters. We have a lot to talk about on the show today, not just my accomplishments, but major major Uh, why am I running out of war today? Major? Um break? Thank you God? Breaking news, really, Nicki, you can't conjure that breaking. I'm here, thank you. It's been a long morning. Uh. Major news out of the Andrew Colin headspace. Uh, it's really only major news to him, um the rest of us. It's going to change his life drastically and we'll find out what that is. You probably already know if you follow him on Instagram right after this. Hey Andrew, good morning, NICKI, Good morning baby cakes. Oh no, welcome to the show. No and I um have already kicked it off, but we you know, we wanted to bring you into I mean I kind of teased the good news. I said you had good news. Um, the news broke last night about I would say, eleven o'clock pm. What happened? Tell me how it went down? How did you sleep? First of all, I bet you slept great based on this news or you know what, I bet you slept terribly because you couldn't stop checking it and like reveling in it. Right, Noah, I bet he didn't sleep well, that's what. Yeah, I guarantee Andrew was up all night refreshing and whatever. We're about to reveal. All right, so be honest with us. I'm going to take you through it. Um, Wait, were we right? Did you sleep not well last night? I slept better than I've ever slept in my life. I'm not even kidding. Did you sleep on the couch? Now? I slept into bed fully naked like a fucking champ. Okay, I'll tell you what happen. I didn't ask that, Okay, Okay. So there's a lot of things behind the scenes of of what I'm going to tell you. So so for a long time, we all know my struggles with with with getting a blue checkmark. Talk about the blue checkmark for those of our listeners who don't know, and I don't want to play it. I don't want to bore the ones who do know. Let's talk about it in an into saying new way. A blue checkmark? What does it mean to you to get a blue checkmark on Instagram? For for you know that I'm going to get into. I'm just coaching you through it. I don't need coaching. You can do a champ. Sit on the bench. Take this one out. I thought I'm starting, Oh wait, uh yeah, you're starting to go get orange slices for everyone else. I'm very excited about. Okay, fine, I'm just going right to the chase. Is that what you want? I got got a blue checkmark last night. I'm not going to take it. And he's going to cut to the end. I'm cutting through the chases. Yes, cut chases, Chase Crawford, you're sucking out of here. Cut him. He's hot. Hot guys. Sister Mary Tona Romo who Romo to Romo ton of Roma antlue checkmark? Last night? I wanted a blue check mark. I know, ha ha ha, Like it doesn't mean anything. It meant a lot to me to be recognized by the Instagram Academy Andrew is verified. I'm verified on Instagram. I have a blue check mark. When you're verified, that means that you have at least enough of a personality uh publicly where they need to give you a blue checkmark so people know it's actually you. And not only that, it allows other people to blue checkmarks to give you more respect and uh and and and treat you better like you're actually a human being and not shipped on you and piss on your face, which is pretty cool. Number Two, it allows women to know that you're a fucking baller. Number three, it will probably increase the money I make, whether through brand dealerships or partnerships, dealerships, partnerships, or with other people allowing me to be on their podcast because they think I'm a real fucking baller. Now, so I just want to thank everybody for being out there for supporting me through this tough time and that yes, I don't have five specials. Yes I've never done late night. Yes I've never been in my life outside of the real world New Orleans when you asked a girl how old she was. But you cannot take this blue checkmark away for me. No, I'm really happy for you. The blue checkmark means so much to not only just you know, anyone if you're in the entertainment business, because it is just this like status symbol that means to other celebrities that you are someone. It's it's honestly, this just you know, made up thing that gives that is just a sure sign that Like when I'm searching through my d m s to see whose messaged me, I go to blue check marks first because they're like not because I'm like, oh, they're verified and they're not a fake person. It means that they have like there, um, I can research them a little bit more, they're well known, they might be probably richer. Like it's all shallow fucking bullshit. I will say though, that I get so many messages from blue check marks that have like followers. I'm like, how the funk do you have a blue checker? It doesn't really mean as much anymore, and especially not now that and I'm just kidding. It does me something. It means so much, but they do give them out like that's the thing was so frustrating. That's why I'm like, that's why I find a comical It is because like I'll have a buddy, because they do it based off if you have three articles written about you, If you don't have any articles about you, it doesn't matter how many times you've been on Comedy Central Radio, how many times you've been on big podcasts, how many times you know someone like to your stature has taken you know, help me or whatever, until you get three articles. What did you feel when it came through? When you get that message? Here's the thing, how do you feel when you get something that you really wanted for a long time? Great? But how long does it? It didn't last long. I'm not gonna lie, I smiled, I go great, and then about an hour later it was over. Really, I thought you slept so well. Well, I slept well after the elation. Yeah, because I mean if I were if you were a single guy, which I don't technically know that you are, this would mean a whole lot because women really like when I'm going look at me going through my messages. So last night on Conan, I said that I was like looking for a boyfriend, so like I got hundreds of messages from guys. I should have been more specific that I you have to like live where I live and also be pretty successful and like love what you do for a living, and like I want you to like, I need a man who I wasn't really doing a dating thing because I am looking for a man who like loves his work, is really good at his work, maybe the best at his work, almost like the way I treat my work, takes pride in it, has fun, loves it, and also lives near me. So I got all these messages, So I get all these Look at these these are my message, request Andrews. Right, she literally and then look what? Guess which one I stopped at first? Boom that this one blue check mark from this guy eighty five thousand point five followers. He's an actor. Um, I like, what did you say? Just watch Conan and I'd like to say that I am taller than five seven working on things and I didn't really that I didn't realize plagued me by not having a father while growing up. I have great credit and I'm from Canada. The last one is a bonus talk soon once you've sifted through thousands of like messages, L O L. That's a great message. Yeah, it's nice. I am not exactly attracted to him, um, but all in all, like, that's a great like did a whole interview that he he took it in? Yeah, I don't know. I thought that was yet. And then I got another blue checkmark from this girl named Jess who hosts a podcast with another person from the Bachelor, and they want to have me on their podcast. So those are the only messages I really got. No I got. I went to like all of them actually, and they're all very nice, but they're all from guys that live like, not anywhere close to me. Are you are you considering are you saying so? St? Louis? I don't think you actually, you know, I didn't mention it. St. Louis, New York or l A are my places if I would look for or like Paris. So I guess if you're gonna said Nikki, right your location first. If you're not living in location, let's go back to chat rooms from A O L A s L. And then UMU why a s L Y S yearly salary? Just kidding, I have a great salary. I will support a man. If this is the thing, I realized that I am totally okay being the breadwinner. I don't need a rich man. I just want a man who is not threatened by a woman with money, has his own money that he doesn't need mine, although I will share it with him if I get married. And that um just is uh is secure and happy with his own life and I don't and doesn't isn't unfulfilled in any way that I can't fill. Yeah, so you're saying like a guy could make fifty he loves his job around there, Like, yeah, I just I don't really, honestly, I don't care. Honestly, I am think I'm going to be financially okay enough that if you are someone who like will take care of me, take care of a house, take care of our animals, take care of like, make me feel loved when I get home, and like make my environments feel good to be in. You don't have to work at all. You can actually use my money and invest it in things that might make us money. Or I can support your hobbies that will make you happy. That will then make me happy, because if you're happy, you're going to be very nice to me when I get home from a long day on the set. I dream, But what happens you tell me about that? Well, I think what happens is it's it's at the end of the day, it's they feel like a little bit. But but what if it's our money, because that's what I want to spend my money on, and like, my money is our money, Like I will have a pre nup for sure, but like when we're together, our money, it's it's our money, and I won't look at it. Like why do women not have an ego about spending their husband's money. I've never hurt my mom, go oh, I can't buy that your dad's money. It's like, get over yourself, it's our money. Look, I think there will be thousands of guys that would be loved that situation and sugar Mama, but I just want but you will have to put in the work of making me feel extremely loved and keeping our house nice and tidy and or you know, hiring people to do so and make sure they get in and out on time. I don't want to have to run other ship. A guy doesn't want to hear you come home from work and be like, why isn't the house nice and tidy? That that would that make I won't have to hear that if the house is nice and tidy. But look, I think if I work all day and pay for everything that house should be nice to get the guy complete access to your checking account. H yeah, yeah, yeah, but this is a guy that I trust and like, no is a good question. Let's say he goes out and he buys a two dollar watch without consoling. That wouldn't happen in my relationship that because I wouldn't buy a watch without being like, babe should get a watch. So what's the limit? Definitely I'm asking though, Oh, I mean, like we just have discussions about high price items. But it's like I that wouldn't be Um, what's the I know, but what's the number? Like? Okay, I I bought uhi pairs of clothes, and I got some new shoes and I bought um, if those things make you feel better to go to this pre beer with me and feel or like and make you feel better about yourself so that you're more confident and you want to like, fuck me good because you feel like hot and sexy and you maybe got a couple of girls looking at you because you had nice shoes, and you come home feeling really like, man, I'm like a man about town and I look sexy. Buy those bucket shoes and then go down on me about them. I love that and tap away. But that's my thing. Like I think, at the end of the day, first and foremost, hide. We're on a show right now where people say first and foremost and at the end of the day all the time. It is the number one thing that young people say to sound smart. Well, at the end of the day and first, foremost, So guys, can we just cut that from our our lexicon? Yes? But my thing is though, is like I just feel like, as a guy, if they were dating you and they felt like they would have to check in on on you for their finances, it would it would have to do that. But they're buying a watch, they might need to check in with me. I think that if I were a wife that was spending my husband's money, I wouldn't go buy a bracelet tennis bracelet without checking with him. Okay, so that's what I'm asking. What is the number. Let's get to the news. Let's get to the news. I mean, I don't have a number, Andrew. I think it's more about the thing that you're buying and how dumb is it? A fucking watch is dumb to buy? I am attracted to men that have twenty watches that are just cool. You don't need a watch. But if if you love it and it reminds you of your great grandfather or whatever, the fuck fine, if it makes you feel good enough. This is the bottom line. If you want to buy something that makes you feel confident and in a way that is going to that doesn't make you feel confident in acure way, but it makes you like, Oh, I like the way this looks at me, and I feel happier and I'm going to be a better partner because of other way this makes you feel all for it? Dope. I think that's a great proposition you gave the guys. Great slid in. Make sure that Okay, let's get to the dues. Oh oh man, do we have some good stories for you guys out there. I hope you're having fun and all the swells. Okay. Psychological studies support the idea that your music taste has a lot about the way you interpret the world. Oh, I mean, how could this not be the case? Great story, by the way, very pertinent to me. Look, musical preferences are actually linked to our cognitive styles, our ability to empathize, and personality traits. Empathy levels are linked preferences within genres, which makes sense. I mean, if the guy's listening to corn, he's probably gonna punch you. I don't know what corn lyrics are like. They might be very very empathetic. It's okay, can I put in because that's not true for all the people listen to heavy metal and a corn. It just says that people who like like more intense music are probably more uh logical and have a systemized way of thinking as opposed to slower type of music that ranges from like R and B to soft rock. Um, and those people are um are like have more of a tendency to empathize. Okay, so this is a corn lyric. I want to get a twist. I wish we could put twist on a fucking tape. Stupid want to hear it? Fuck you? Fuck you? Huh okay, you piece of ship anger inside bills, within my body? Why you hit me? What have I done? You tried to hit me? Scream at me again if you like, throw your hate at me with all your might. Hit me cause I'm strange. Hit me, tell me I'm a pussy and you're harder than me. What's with you? Boy? Think hard, attattooed body to hide who you are scared to? Be honest? Be yourself a cowardly man. Okay, First of all, there's a lot of emotion in that. That is not all how did you get my dad's email? Second of all, that clown by corn? I feel so analytic. Yeah, I tried to be like the safest song. I was like, Cloud seems like it'll be a fun romp. I mean, look, it's not like it's not rocket science that like, if you listen to more chill music, you're more chill. But are you listening to chill music because you're murdering babies? Like? Are you trying? This is about empathy? I think um as an EmPATH. As an EmPATH. Other thing that people say on the show that I'm making a lot um as an EmPATH, I um am probably not one, because that's just a thing I read and I was like, wow, that seems like something I should say, and I just stole it from them. Um So, no, I I feel that Taylor's I was just saying this to my friend the other night, like I listened to Taylor Swift to feel my feelings. That's just how I process them. I can't get there on my own. It's like porn for my feelings. And that's why I love her so much, because when I first heard her, I was like, I've never heard music that is so articulate for how I'm feeling. So I feel it's not like I feel for her, I feel for myself. I'm able to empathize with myself, which is not something I am good at doing. I don't even know if that's the thing, empathizing with yourself, but I really don't ever do that. I don't let myself go like you, poor thing. And sometimes when I hear her songs, like I just there's a song that I've never even really gotten into of hers, and I heard it the other day just like on my Instagram, like on Explore. There was like a clip of her singing and I was like, whoa, these lyrics are like what I'm living right now. And now I'm like super into this new song that I've just always skipped because it just articulated what I'm feeling so well better than even I could if I was to journal about it. I feel like, next time you're in that that state, put on some slip knot and I want to see just put it on from me and just text me how you how it makes you feel. Yeah, and just at that moment when you're on a hammock, Yeah, just throw on some I can't ever understand those screaming men, But Andrew, we do it every day when we drive to set. We have a thirty minute drive, and I always put on music that is articulating how I feel but also is how I want to feel during the day. So we always end with there's some hose in this house. There's some hose in this house. Man, you fucking with some wet pussy. It's just such a good like when I'm feeling like, you know, a little bit insecure, like I put on wet as pussy and I just feel Cardi B. Makes me feel really empowered and like almost like a man, like I can have anything I want. I call the shots. Um My pussy is like gold. Um you wish you could have it, like like all these things that are just like not really that true. And um, well, some of the stuff that you were talking about the other day about like uh, people saying, oh, your comedies, you know, pornographic or whatever. But Cardi B. Doesn't give like least that strong that it probably empowers you to be like, No, this is what I want to talk about stars and Cardi B. Because they lean into being sexual and they're not horrors because of it. Like I feel so often I'm misconstrued as a whore because I talk about sex, when really I'm just like someone who wants to talk about something that we all enjoy and that I want to talk about why I can't do this thing that I love so much, and and I'm really just a I'm just a sweet little whore. Yeah, but people people's lives like it's taboo, and like what I wish the song up if he had a if he had a twin, I would let him the train, which to be a short training. And when Megan Megan the Stallion says um uh if he asked my name, I'm or like uh, if he sucked me, yes, whose is it? And when I read the dick, When I read the dick, I'm gonna spell my name like that kind of stuff is so they're funny. Cardi B and Meghan the Stallion and so many other rappers are rappists are so funny. I always say Eminem was my earliest comedic influence or one of them, because he was just so funny. I feel so fast. I feel like that, like, um, environment affects my music choices way more than it does yours. Like, Yeah, you wouldn't listen to Jack Johnson when the waves are crashing, Honestly I do. And I know it's cheesy, but if I'm in New York, like I'm listening to like More, looking my way downtown, walking fast Faces Fast is the poem bound, that's you crossing Ninth Avenue. I just actually listening to that song or the what's the one that would play at the beginning of I listened to way more sad music and storing at the blank page before the dirty window. That's Andrew Everydemy's coming out of the subway and looking around at the big city. Yeah something, and then some bum fucking ships on me, and I'm like, man, I love New York. I miss it so much. And then it's plays clown by corn Dad. Why don't you love me? You called me a fucking asshole? What's with you? Boys? The card a tattooed body to hide who you are? Scared to be honest for yourself? You cowardly man. Hit me cloud because I'm not from your town. No, hit me cloud because I'm not from your town. Oh my god, these lyrics are us. Give me a better pull up corn lyrics and sing them to Taylor Swift song Oh my God, would be fine. Yes, okay. Next story, a Michigan man. I love this story. A Michigan man is charged with repeatedly poisoning his co workers water bottle with anti freeze. The victim told police she became suspicious after noticing her water tasted strange. Today, install at the spy camera and then think on him putting green liquid in This is the best. The guy claimed he thought he was adding vitamin seed drops to his own water bottle, that that was his excuse he came up with after Oh my god, so he's trying to kill her, I mean at freeze and he's saying it's I'm sure this is a lot of people's like secret fantasy of poisoning someone you work with. Yeah, um, but you would pick like anti freeze is very obviously it's like you're putting a green substance in water, Like yeah, I mean I've heard this with like guys like just want women to eat their combs, so they're like drop com and their food at work and stuff. I thought you meant they eat drink anti freeze and then you eat their com and then you get anti freeze through. What do you use anti freeze on on the windshield wipers? Is that the windfield wiper fluid? No? I don't know, No, I do you know? Yeah? Yeah, be weird if she like she first noticed when um, she saw her coworker Alex using his windshield wiper and there wasn't a lot of fluid coming out, and she thought, where's the rest of it? And then she like, um, this guy's insane. I mean I I realized, like I always had an excuse lined up for if I got caught for anything illegal I used to do. I always had the plan to why. I was like, oh my god, I accidentally left this bracelet on. I was trying it on and I left it on. I didn't mean to steal it, you know, like I always had an out, Um, but I don't do anything illegal anymore. Or like if I get now when I smoke pot and it's illegal and it's like out in public, I just go alright, well, I'll just be like oh a smoking pot, like I can't the blet. I bought this bracelet there like you. So I like, I would just be caught. I just have to like when I do something illegal, now, I just go Okay, if you're caught, you're there's no like, there's no planning excuses. Well, I got caught my house. I I you know, I lost all my money, and they tried to uh fore, clothes on my house. So this guy would show up because I stopped paying the mortgage. I bought a condo and and and the guy tried because I stopped paying, they were trying to four clothes on me. And I had like court order. You would show up at my house every morning at seven am, and I would hide in the bathroom. I'd hide in the shower. And my excuse when I would eventually go to court was I was in the shower. I didn't hear him and sir, you smell like you haven't showered in you smell like like yeah. And so he goes one day he's looking through the window. He goes, hey, man, I see you going in there every time, like I see your I see you going in the bathroom. And at that point I was like, yeah, you caught you got me, Like yeah, it was like the worst, Like I was in the shower, like he used to behave so hilariously before so loft and before you got your life together. When you used to hook up with you would hook up with a girl and you would be so nervous when you would see her out in public that you would pretend you were invisible. Is one of the weirdest things I've ever heard. Andrew was at a Sephora one yeah, Sephora, buying cologne, and this girl that I hooked up with like a few weeks before that was like three people behind me. And while I was paying. In my mind, I convinced myself I was invisible, that she didn't see me. But boy was it was. I really thought that, like you really were, like that's how I have to like survive this interaction. And it wasn't like you were trying to avoid her, like she's clinging and I don't want to see her. You just like had anxiety so so often when women were like he fucking ignored me. It's not that it's not because he doesn't like you, it's because he has such anxiety. He's pretending he's invisible like a toddler. Yeah, I didn't like her, Um okay, next next next Norwegian or Norwegian Norwegianan Researchers find that regret does not keep people from avoiding future Regret does not keep people from avoiding future one night stands repeat there even if they regret it, they're going to repeat their decisions. Uh, they're horrible decisions. Horrible. I think regret actually pushes you into further repetitive behavior of the thing you regret, because the reason you do things like I was saying about like eating the cookies that you don't eat. You have about you have a thing of cookies and you're like, I want to save these for the weekend, for the kids, for the family. I'll have a couple and you go, you know what, I'm just gonna open them on the way home from the like, from the grocery store. Off two and then you have too and you go, let me just have a third because that wasn't enough. I'm gonna have a third. And then you feel bad about that third. You went over your limit. Oh no, Then you feel bad and you have regret, and that feeling of regret needs to be calmed and soothed, and what drug do you have to dothe it? What distraction? More oreos or whatever? So then you eat the rest of the bag. So the feeling of regret causes more behavior of your of the thing that you already regret. So the regret does not help in literally any way. It is a worthless feeling, and I, um, I refuse to have it anymore. I really don't. I laugh when I have it and I ignore it, but I don't have regret anymore. Why you're biting your now because I have a little piece of skin? Oh yeah, I think you know. It just goes back to when I used to drink and you'd be so hungover, and that day of the hangover like I'm never going to drink again, And in a day the next day comes you go, okay, maybe might not drink again. And then by the third day you have completely forgot about that regret. Regret breads uh anxiety, which then leads to more destructive behavior. Yeah, and you and you like that feeling. Actually, I mean I miss sometimes that feeling of being hungover, and just because it kind of makes you feel um entitled to do more destructive things. There was something about being hungover where I knew what it was like. I knew like what that pain was like. Oh so you weren't opochondriact like I'm dying feeling. So now when you feel sick, you're like I'm dying. I mean I used to, but I'm actually pretty good with it now. I kind of laugh at It's time for some seleb news. Why do I care? All right, Andrew? Why do I care? Today? Kim Kardashian is the two thousand six on the list of four Billionaires, which is the largest it has ever been, after growing her business empire with a shapewear line. Why do you care? Nick? Um, I really don't. I don't care. I think billionaires are gross, um, And I think it's a sad pursuit. And I think it's too much money for any person to have. I don't think. I think billionaires should be illegal. And Um, I hope she donates ten percent of her wealth, but she probably won't because billionaires get to be billionaires because they're greedy, and that's more money than they could ever spend in a lifetime on themselves and their loved ones. And I think wealth is disgusting. And I think now with more billionaires and Kim Kardashian being now the and Kylie being this face of like you could be a billionaire too. It's just like makes yourself worth about how much you earn and it's just and you know a s L Y S. But like I don't want it to be a billion I just think it's just too much money and it's gross. And then what's crazy is like billionaires, like these rich people, they they do better during the pen like they've never done better than the last year and a half yea, which is it's all it's great if you're a billionaire, you're gross. To me, you're like woman being a billionaire. Who No, I don't care. I think it's all gross. I don't think women should aspire to be billionaires. I don't think men should. I just think it's I think it's literally it should be illegal to be a billionaire. I think there should be a cap. And but now she's going to law school and you can focus on herself. Finally, guess what she's not gonna be. She's it's like the blue checkmarks and Paris Hilton said this to me. She was like her goal was to always be worth a hundred million dollars and now it's a billion dollars. Like the it will always get more, like you'll not It'll never be enough. No one's ever going to be satisfied with the amount of money. It's just it's a sickness, it's an addiction, and it's gross to me. So no congratulations to Comradashian. I like you, good for you to feel better, but unless you're using that money to actually change the world and not just like get one guy out of prison one time, and then we all like say you're like a saint, which I'm sure you do a lot. I actually think she's a good person, um, but she needs to distribute that wealth. I I told someone that I got a blue check mark, and they're like, wow, maybe you'll become the person. Have you seen the people with two blue check marks? That's what they said to me. And it goes right to that, and I go, are you fucking there? There's people and that's the billion that's the hundred millionaire finding about billionaires, and you're just never satisfied and never enough. Look, i'd be honestly, I swear to you, I think I'd be satisfied with five million dollars that's all I need. That's that's more than you need, That's more than anyone needs. I'm just saying, I A billion, five million dollars is so much goddamn money. You don't need that much? Can I have it? Here's the thing I just don't want, Like I really don't want. I mean I would so I can build things for and save animals and donate it. I would, really, I really will give away most of my well not most of my wealth, but like you know, a big portion of it, because it's just like that's your job when you get rich. You've been lucky enough to skirt through life. And I don't care if you're self made. You're not self made. You were born in America, which is a place where you had more. Yes, I'm sure you grew up from poverty and your parents were blue collar workers. And you've got yourself. You support yourself and you push yourself, and you've got the scholarships and everything. You aren't actually self made. You got lucky being born in America. You're not in this. You know South Sudan as a young girl who had a cli erectomy and can go get schooling like you lucked out, not being her. So like this whole thing of like I did it myself, it's all luck. It's all luck. Good for you. I'm glad you did all those things. But everything you get is luck. I don't attribute any of my success too. I'm such a hard worker I was I it's lucky that I was born someone who can work harder than other people. It's all luck. Nothing is me doing it. I truly believe it isn't but it's true. All right, let's from the close to the bottom. No, I'm really excited for you for your blue checkmark. I want everyone to be happy out there and not trying to be negative. It's just how I think. I think that's honest tonight, and it's I learned from Sam Harris. He was talking about people who say, like, who are self made? Any of these people who who claim to be you know, Kylie Jenner got fucking trash for you know, Forbes calling herself made billionaire, um, which is is laughing but like is a laughing matter. But literally, anyone who thinks herself made, you're not. You were born. You didn't choose to be born in America where you have these opportunities, or wherever you were born. You're lucky that you weren't born a bug that was smashed on the sidewalk. So you didn't choose any of this. You just got lucky. No, I worked hard. You got lucky being born a person who has able bodied enough to work hard and stay up late and work like all these things are. Yeah, dad, you clown, I'm gonna you're like a bunch smashed on the sidewalk. Fuck you, coward. You didn't earn it. Just a fucking little, Just a fucking little scared to be honest, be yourself, a cowardly man. What's with you? Boys? Think hard attached buddy to hide who you are? That's corn. Okay, that's actually good. I feel like better now. All right, let's get to our segment, Yesterday I Learned. And this is usually something that I get from Reddit. There's a Reddit, subcate or Reddit. There's a sub reddit called today I Learned. And it's all just like interesting facts that you didn't know until someone post them on Reddit. I really love it. And I was just looking through Reddit today to to find out one. So this is not Yesterday I Learned, even though the segment is called Yesterday I Learned this what I did learn this today. No, I just want to be honest with people. Is that okay? That's fine. It's always good to peek behind the curtains sometimes, well this is something I your boy, and you peek behind those curtains. See if you can find my clip? Betty White? Did you know that talking White? I know we were talking about how cocaine is called. No, it's called urkle, you said. Some people call cocaine urkyle because it's like Jalil White was urkle? You said, Jehiel? But I don't know what that Why you can't get that right? Jalil White? And I go because the white? What's with the Jalil partner? He's like, no, it's like cocaine's white. And I'm like, well, why couldn't it be Betty White? And then you just say gold you want to snort some Golden Girls? And you're like, what was her character's name on Golden Girls? And we couldn't come up with it? And I go, why can't you just call it Betty? You want to do some Betty And people are like, what's Betty? And you're like, cocaine because Betty White. It's too it's too quick to get to white. Yeah, and urcle's a funnier word. Okay, this is crazy about Betty White. Betty White hosted a five and a half hour long live talk show six days a week from to nineteen fifty three. Hollywood on Television was a five and a half hour, six days a week, live live television show starring newcomer Betty White and radio dis Jockie al Jarvis that ran from this is the Wikipedia. Um that is insane. It's like a telephone every day. How is that possible? That's what makes that boggles my mind about this business is that like that that woman is still around, right and we don't even know that about her. Think of the things people used to do, and that the show's the fame that people used to have. Like you go back to you look up Oscar winners from nineteen seventy seven or even two, and there are names that you would recognize and they are they were huge stars. That it just it makes you. I sometimes look that stuff up to remember that, like all of this is so fleeting and that fame religions from five years ago you won't even know their name. Yeah, yeah, but but what does that do to you? Does that make you sad? Like you compare us doing this hour show Monday through Thursday to Betty White doing that five and a half hours. No, you know what, it makes me go, oh wow, Like my compulsion to broadcast constantly is not something new due to this digital age of being able to do that all the time, Like people are capable of that. Other people like you that you're going to be forgotten, like litt I do feel like, well, I've talked to other community. Why do you work so hard? Well, I want my name to live on, you know, after me or you know they say ship like that it's not gonna live on. I always think about how when the world is like eventually Barack Obama and Abraham Lincoln will all be forgotten by everyone who is alive or who isn't alive, Like someday we will all be the same, We will just we will be a faint memory, like not even a memory, like if the world keeps going, and like there's people who existed a thousand years ago that were like the biggest deal and no one knows what they look like, you know, like there's no there's entire civilizations where there was probably like the hottest guy or like the most famous guy in POMPEII. We don't know who that was. And he had a blue check mark. There's just one temple that we find underneath dirt, like a dog and a girl like holding a dog, and now she's like the most famous person from from POMPEII of like covered in ashes. But it really was this like influencer named um, I'm trying to do something like Dan Dan Blazzarian, but like Egyptian. It was Pompey in Egypt. No, it's in Italy, the Netherlands. Yeah, okay, and I mean to Rome. When it was kind of going to Rome, you actually see the historical ship, like I was in the Colosseum, like you see like it's it's wild to get box seats. I did. I got box seats. I got hooked up. Yeah, it's pretty dope. Before that blue, I watched a tiger kill a fucking gladiator. Cool did you have? Like it was our cool halftime show where like um, like the weekend came out and everyone's like, who the funk is this guy? And then he just they didn't they didn't even have like weeks back then. So the Weekend in it's like the singer to Weekend. It was the actual weekend, Saturday and Sunday came out right so when the sun was up longer that I don't even know how they did the weekends back and it was it was by Betty White, didn't thing. My point is, it's like I get what you're saying. You're forgotten, Like what's the point of anybody White is still around and like she had that, like she was and we've already forgotten about that. We don't give her any credit for that, not that anyone deserves credit for anything, because again, no one does ever. It's just all luck. But like Lady Gaga will be not that known about in thirty or forty years, kids will be like, oh my god, they'll think of her like the way we think of I mean, I guess share it will be the same thing. So I'm trying to think of someone that was like really famous, like a heartthrob. Oh Like, for instance, if you look at um, what's the movie with Tom Cruise and Kevin Bacon the pilots top guntop Gun so they're doing the remake of it. The woman that was the heartthrob in that movie is now, um, like a character you'd see on the office, like a woman on the office, if you know what I'm saying, Like just like a woman in the background that like is like that's the only kind of roles she would play. They're still playing these heartthrob guys. This woman who was like everyone jerked off to the hottest woman alive, like no one even knows her name now. She was the Jessica Alba of her time. And it's not that's not mean making a feminist stance of like men get it so easy because there are a lot of heart throw men that are forgotten about now. Mickey Rourke used to be like a sex symbol. Marlon Brando was like so hot and then he turned into like a bloated like drunk I think, I don't know, I'm just guessing, but like people losers, but just to be something that's such a big deal, Like that's why I never let anything go to my head in terms of like, wow, you're so hot right now, because it's going to be taken away. Well, I mean, I think what we're learning here is that whether it's whether it's fame or money, those shouldn't be your pursuits because none of that at the end of the day matters. But but what does matter? Does the the the process? Like what is that you you bring happiness to others and you make other people's fleeting time on this world as good as they can be, and you help people feel good and do good onto others so that we can all all, for this brief time we're in this world, feel as good as possible. As my favorite person, Sam Hair says, every person you know will lose every person they love, no matter what, whether they'll die and they'll lose everyone or every person they or they'll be the last to die, and they'll lose everyone they know and love. Think about that, everyone you know, including yourself, will lose everyone and everything you know and love. But here's the thing, why not not? Why not be as kind and try to spread as much kindness as possible. That being said, I will still talk trash on people because I have an ego and it gets the bust to me sometimes. But at the end of the day, first and foremost I might die for it's my blue check mark will also die too because Instagram it's probably gonna be Yeah, I mean, you're getting one of the very tail and events. Did you get a blue check on a blue checkmark on Instagram or or Twitter to know I haven't tried that one. All right, well, Andrew's a blue checkmark follow him on there. We're very happy for you. Let's do a final thought. I love this show today. I hope everyone had preached a lot. No preach, you don't preach your I feel like, what's great about you. It's like you're coming to these realizations, right, and like it feels very like current. Yeah, I am, like I don't struggle with the end of this show. Like we have nine days left filming the show that I've spent you know, seven weeks of my life on and I've made like so many close friends, and just I love this job. I wish I could last forever um and it can't. And I've accepted that. And it's just kind of like life, like you don't get to you can't take it with you, like things end, and I'm just trying to stay in the present instead of going like I'm gonna miss it so much, I'm just trying to stay with like gratitude that it happened now and like not spend not wasting the present thinking about the future when I'm going to be in pain missing this and just really trying to realize, like this is a metaphor for life, the show, and then it will come to an end, and maybe we'll get to do a second season in a different place, but it will be different people. It won't be the same. But that's okay, because that's that's what life is. You can't keep going forever. There is something about being here on the island shooting a show where it's kind of drinking that etern that cup from Indiana Jones, Like we don't feel like we're aging here, like we're kind of just any shows. I don't know anything, what's going on with my family, Like I don't really like I could die here. No, nothing can happen here. We're on the island. It's like literally nothing. It's because nothing is If I get canceled or if I if something does happen, I can just stay here and like escape it. It doesn't feel like there's climate change here there, even though it's you know, lizards are not as abundant as the road signs would suggest. There's lizards. There's crossing lizard signs everywhere. I haven't seen a fucking iguana. Yet they used to be everywhere in another nowhere there's just tons of chickens here, which, yeah, why the lizard crossed the road. Um, it didn't because it got run over by car. And now they're kind of probably extinct, changing climate comminations from human activity. Now you look confused, Uh well I was. I'm just thinking about what you said about the show wrapping up, and I'm wondering if this is kind of something that people don't consider about being part of like TV and Hollywood and all of that, because you you go through this a lot on shows that you feel really passionate about, and it becomes your world and then it kind of comes to an end. Yes, everything, But it really is like any job, you know, whether you're like a doctor and you work at a hospital forever and you retire after forty five years or whatever, it's like that will end to um, everything ends, and it is sad and and in nine days away, I'm like already getting depressed and I don't want to be. I just want to just be like I still have nine days. That's a long time. That's a really great length of a vacation. And not to mention we're gonna have another seven days after that, but um, so you should be happy about that. But it's true. I still won't get to go to work and think about how lucky we are where, yes, everything ends, but we also get new beginnings. And I know that's like a cheesy saying, but there is something to know that, Like, like so many people they're ending is just their end and then now it's like garden. No, it never is like that. You can always look at endings as new beginnings. Like yesterday when we lost that podcast, I was like, that's I'm glad that happened because the fact that we're doing a new one, something's going to come out of this that wouldn't have happened. So every literally everything you lose in life, you can sign a silver lining. As tried as that sounds, but I just I know it's true. I just know it's true. Being is like we get to have more beginnings than a of other people in the sense of like, and I'm probably hiring two of the girls on this show to like move to St. Louis and yeah, so too, dumb bitches died, Jen and Robin, we know you're listening. I love you so much. Um, we gotta go. I gotta go to set and live my ninth to last day here working on the show. I mean we went to we had the day off yesterday. We worked harder yesterday than we have the whole time, you know, and then you helped me with Conan, and then we did two podcasts and then we just sat around set all day and like the people, they were shooting stuff that did not involve me, and then that thus didn't involve Andrew. So we're just like lounging on this beautiful day bed, like looking at the water, like just being pieces of ship while there's crew around us setting up shots and like it was. But I was chatting up the crew. I got to know all these crew that I haven't met yet, and I got to hear their stories of how they got here and like why they picked this job. And I was like, do you like this job? And I was so funny because I'm asking them about their job Noah, and I'm like, so do you, like, why do you pick this? This is something that you picked early on and then you just like kind of stuck with it because it was like all you were doing and like, are you having fun? Do you enjoy it and they're like, yeah, yeah, I go would you like, if your kids wanted to go into this work, would you have them? They all were like no, no, and I go, okay, well that answers I question, like, you're like, would you rather hold that eight pound camera or lay on this day? They said it was all about the ago. I just wouldn't want my kids to have the back issues I have now because of all the equipment I've carried. And I'm like, I guarantee you have funked up your back from carrying equipment. But I think I got a book that I can send you, and so I'm sending them Healing Back Paid by Doctor John Sarno. And I gave them all a ted talk about the book. Um, so pick up that book if you have back Paid and Healing Back Pain by Doctor John Sarno. Um, we'll see you tomorrow. We have one more show this week. I can't believe it's only one. I could do this show seven days a week, but don't. Best friend, Thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you for following our Instagram, which, by the way, if you follow Nicki Glazer pod on Instagram. There's like exclusive content on there that I don't put up on my personal ones because I feel like there's too many people to like comment mean things to me. But my best friends that follow the count. Um, we keep it private because we don't want people who don't listen to the podcast to be on it. So if you do request, make sure it's because you listen to at least one episode, which if you're hearing this, you have so you are through and we will accept your request. Nikki Glazer Pod, please keep rating reviewing. We have like eight hundred and something reviews on iTunes podcasts or an Apple podcast, and thank you so much for those. I even made a review yesterday. I said, this is Nikki and this is my podcast, but I do recommend it, and so just give me, give me a review and a um in five stars or however many stars you you see fit. But if you want to give lesson five stars, I would probably guess that that there's really no point in reviewing. Just just be nice, only compliments. Go watch my cone in from yesterday. It's on YouTube. It's thirty minutes long. And um uh and and and go follow Andrew T. Colin because He's verified now, and it will feel good to follow that blue check mark. Okay, see tomorrow.

The Nikki Glaser Podcast

Every Monday through Thursday, comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced 
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