#105 This Is Video Mode...

Published Sep 21, 2021, 1:00 AM

Between you and Nikki, she wants you to know you can never predict the future, support men who are grieving Norm MacDonald's passing and maybe comedy does have a deeper impact than she once thought. Andrew is still thinking about the half n' half aka having to cover his junk in a holding cel. Nikki remembers interviewing Andrew for his job as her dog walker and him revealing too much. They get into body odor and how to tell your partner. You Heard It Here First: Social Media companies hiding their own body image studies, day dreaming and Nikki does care about this Love is Blind contestant finding love. In the Top1 Bottom1 they tell stories about pets. In the Final Thought they talk about unconditional love.

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The nick Yes Nicky, Hello here, I am welcome to the Nicky Glazer Podcast. I'm Nicky Glazer. I'm here in St. Louis, Missouri and my um home podcasting studio. My dream came true. You know, sometimes you put it out there in the world and you say, I want to live in an apartment and walk in the next room and have that be my studio, and sometimes you get a global pandemic that makes your dreams come true. I don't know, I really when I first thought of like having a studio in my own apartment, Like I was like Andrew and will just get a three bedroom and one of them will be a studio, I really didn't think it would happen, to be honest with you, Like, I thought that is a little bit of lofty of a dream. Not that that's like not achievable in uh in many like it's just not that it's not not dreaming, that's not shooting for the moon and landing among the stars. I mean, well, I just thought I wouldn't get it together enough to do it. Um because most things in my life I don't get together the things that I say that I want or that I'm gonna it's some it's life never goes exactly how it's planned. I was saying this to someone yesterday. I've never predicted right about anything, you know, when you ever you go, oh, you're worrying about something, and you're like, it's gonna this is gonna happen, and then that they're gonna I've never been right every like I mean, i've I've maybe been in the ballpark, like in the parking lot of the ballpark. Um, but isn't that funny that we always are, you know, thinking about the future and what's going to happen and planning for the future, when really I've never nailed it, like even close to exactly. And I don't mean like this is gonna go bad. Like yes, sometimes I thought that's gonna go bad, and then it does go bad, but it always is in a way that I couldn't have Like the badness wasn't the kind of badness. I thought. Why am I bringing this up? I don't know. No, uh, um, how are you today? I'm good? Yeah. I feel like that was like a lie. Well, okay, we were supposed to start video next week and we don't lie, And today's Friday. We're recording the show, because yeah, so this is our first day of video. We hope we head on over to YouTube on um it's videos are It's going to be delayed a little bit on YouTube. But um so, however you like to listen to this, maybe you'll listen to the show and then you'll watch it, or maybe you'll just wait to watch it, you know, like we're not doing like breaking news on this show. If you want to wait a couple of days and just watch it for the listen for the first time on YouTube, catch up on old ones now until two days later, and then I don't know what your sketch is going to be, but I do want to be honest with you. We don't lie on this show. Like Noah said, we are. This is Friday, and we're it's gonna be airing on Monday, and then the video will be available Wednesday. We hope that's that's the tentative sketch. That's the projection. And as I said, we're somewhere in the parking lot of the ballpark getting you know, screwed on some tickets that we thought the guy is gonna Actually I feel like scalpers and I never get screwed in person, but I do get screwed on Craigslist and it was worth it. Listen to a couple episodes ago anyway, Um, yeah, it's Friday. I was thinking about this and being like, oh god, you know when I listened to podcasts that are daily, do I get like piste when it's like not really when they say it is, because it's more if I'm a daily listener, I'm like, I want to as soon as would. They're experiencing their lives. Listen if you want. If you want to see us on the like live, go on our instagrams. Andrew and I are always posting you can like follow us around live. And then I go, actually, they're gonna get there. They would have never heard about Thursday from me because by the time I get to Monday, I've forgotten what happened Thursday. I sometimes forget what happened on Friday and Saturday. You're only getting like the recap of the day before. So if you know, so now you're getting a treat that you get to find out what happened on Thursday to me, which isn't a whole lot. But um, I am going to Vegas this weekend. And UM where I went to Vegas this weekend. Let's let's treat it like it's Monday. UM, Seattle and Oregon, and the shows were amazing. I'm manifesting it. They were the best shows of my life. UM. I came up with an hour of new material that is all just very specific, no arms, no likes, just crushing like very UM. I don't know what I'm saying right now, but actually I like my material right now. I don't want new material. I just want to work on the stuff I already have. I want to be grateful for what I already have. UM. I was kind of thinking, like, what if I die in a plane crash and then this comes out like Monday. I mean, that's like the worst thought. But guess what, I've never been right about anything. So the fact that I'm thinking that it's not going to happen, but what if it did? How weird would that be? If I if I'm if you're watching this video and you're like, oh my god, we lost her? UM the norm death, you know, death like that, especially in the comedy community or ones that feel close to you, UM always kind of make you think about your own mortality. I think, UM, that, Uh, I don't know, man, the Norm. I'm I'm like so grateful because I don't know that I would have ever gone on a deep dive of Norm or downloaded his book. And I'm going to try to consume that this weekend. I don't know if I would have done those things had he not passed. Not saying like, oh my god, I'm so grateful that he died, not saying that at all. There's just always like and I And I was talking to a friend who was actually morning Norm's loss, and he didn't know Norm. He was just a huge fan, like huge Norm fan, as is every white male in there from the ages of thirty two, two fifty. Those men are gonna need You're actually they're gonna need your support. This. Uh, if you have a man in your life, he's a friend of Rick and Morty and um, what else does this do these kinds of guy. No, I don't know, family guy. Maybe No, I think they I think these guys are too They're they're beyond family guy at this point, but like white white guys. And I'm not doing this as like white men need your help. I'm I'm I'm making a joke about like they're men love Norm McDonald. I used to say that, like my ex boyfriend. I'm gleaning this all from my ex boyfriend, who I really trust. His sense of like his sense of humor is top notch, and he loved Norm McDonald like a he is suffering this loss in a major way. And there's something beautiful about that for me because I get to see someone I care about, like actually like being really emotionally invested in someone I didn't know, and I think he's seen me in the past cry over celebrity deaths or like I remember, we we used to make fun of people that were like Robin Williams said, I'm gooded. People would be like, I'm gooded and we would laugh because if you're posting I'm gutted on Facebook, which is a very like I get it, you're very sad. What are you gonna do when your mom dies? Are like I'm double good at like where you gotta have a bar for it. But I, you know what, I actually don't subscribe to that kind of notion anymore. And I doubt he does either, because I don't think he knew how much he would be affected by Norm passing. And um, it was really, it's just sweet to see men who sometimes maybe I don't want to feel their feelings or like feel not entitled to their feelings, really upset about Norm's passing because you know what it is. It's like, you know, he was saying to me, my ex boyfriend, we were talking about Norm, and he was like, you know, I'm a big altimate John fan Bruce Springsteen, Like I don't consume everything they do if they come out with a new album. I'm kind of like, I don't even like Jeff Tweetie, you can't keep up, like but he's like, there's something but Norm, I was consuming I everything he did right away, Like I it was, you know, it's like me and Taylor Swift, but like on a lesser level for sure. I don't mean to like play like who's a bigger fan, but no one should be as obsessed with Taylor Swift as I am. And he said that he was very touched because people reached out to him immediately when Norm died and we're like, are you okay? And he felt like even though he didn't know Norm, that he felt like, it's so nice that someone connects Norm with me like like that, you know, when you're a fan of someone, it's nice to be like, oh, is something Taylor Swift in the news, and people like when Folklore came out or ever more dropped out of the blue, people were like, Nikki, did you hear like it feels good? No? Do you have any um celebrity or person maybe you've never met, let's say, or maybe you just you know, you've met a lot of your favorite people, but someone you don't know personally that if they passed, you would need some like support getting through it. Mmm. I don't know. I think I've definitely been privileged enough to meet a lot of celebrities or musicians that I like through work. I think though, Um, with what you were seeing before, like when people get really upset, I was thinking about it, and I think, like with comedians, what I appreciate about comedy is how comedians see, interpret, and then talk about the world. And maybe it's just like not having Norm's point of view, especially now when there's like so much pandemonium, Like that's a great loss for people who enjoy his comedy. He had a great set right at the beginning of COVID, right before things shut down. I really implore everyone to go watch it. You can just google Norm McDonald COVID set and it's just talking about you know, it brings you right back to March, like you know, March probably, And he's like, well, it's good to know what we're all gonna die of. We just don't know what in in what order. And he's just talking about like just you know, I'm gonna do jokes of here, but just know that I'm thinking about COVID the or coronavirus he called it. You know, in the early days, you're calling it coronavirus. I'm thinking about the coronavirus the entire time, and it was just you're right, Like I always say that comedians aren't as special as musicians, Like I always want to be a musician, because the motions you can elicit from a song for someone seems to be more powerful and meaningful than a comedy bit. Although we we all remember comedy bits, they kind of shift out the way we think about things. Songs can do that too, if they're like the lyrics are good enough that but not as often because you don't get as many words. But I think that you're right, like when a when a musician passes, you're not like, how am I I want them to write a song about COVID or I want them to write a song about Trump. I remember, you know, so often I thought of Greig Giraldo during um Trump times, you know, all the time, was like what I mean, I thought he would probably wouldn't survive it because he would be so angry. I just pictured him on the Larry the Cable Guy roast going, oh, why are you so vervous? Like just having a meltdown. That was one of the best moments, in addition to Norm McDonald's roast of Bob Saget, which if you haven't seen as well. If you're not a Norm McDonald fan, what are you doing with your life? I mean, go on a norm you know, Like there's so many clips right now circulating, just indulge in them, even if you're like, I know this guy from SNL, I didn't care for him, then just give it a chance because he has so many different facets. Um, but I think you're right now, Like that makes me feel good about being a comedian, because we're valuable in the present, Like musicians can capture a zeitgeist and a feeling of like, oh, the song takes me back to the nineties or whatever. But comedians need to process things for you in the moment, and that's kind of like how we work. Like we work in the moment, Like that's why old material doesn't work any anymore, because people want to hear from us right away, and we don't want to hear about old stuff. We want to hear about please help us understand what's happening right now. And I don't think we rely on musicians as much for that. So you just opened my eyes to a value I have as a comedian that I didn't realize because I'm always like copying a comedian is just not as cool as being a musician, even though musicians all want to be comics. Comics at want to be musicians, and we both all think everyone else wants to be us. Um No, that really makes me excited to perform this weekend. And honestly, whenever I am inundated with a comedian stand up who I probably avoid because it makes me feel bad that my own isn't as sharp or as unique or irreverent, Especially like Norm McDonald. His brain worked in a way that like you're just like you can't he can't ten hours that you know, like he was just born funny. It seems he's one of those guys. And I always say talent is hours put in, and they're definitely I had to use ordering facets of his talent as a comedian that were born of practice and repetition and working hard. But I think he's one of those guys that was just born kind of funny and um, I I don't mean to make this about myself, but it is an Accuzer podcast. I don't know if I was born funny, you know, like I always try to think about like why, um, you know, where where did it come from? And like my parents are funny, and like I was did my bi Alex, mym ballex, myim uh blossom, yeah, my bot my balot. Sorry, she's a friend mine. And I can't say your name. I get really nervous, but I didn't. I just still don't know how to anounce your last name Noah, And I get really tense when I think about it. Um, I know now it's avior right, Yeah, you can say it anyway. I really don't know, but like it's like Glacier with me, I let it go if someone doesn't say it right. But like my true friends. I'm like, really, um, but my but my eem and I are not like that great of friends, but we know each other. And I did her podcast and we were talking. She was like, where did your funny come from? Like when did you get it? And um, I always think I got it later when I was in arextic and I needed developed personality and I just started acting like my friends who were funny. But like I always knew what was funny. Conan shaped it, the SNL shaped it, my parents shaped it, my uncle TV Bob shaped it. Um, Michael Shore, my dad's friend shaped it. People were funny in my life. But I Kirsten was sending diary entries the other day from her She used to keep a diary every single day of our of her life pretty much, and so I'm all over her diary and she has one from when we first met and it's as um, oh, she just sent me another thing. I'm going to read this on the break, but she sent Oh wait where is it? Sorry? Oh hey, here we go, um Wednesday. She doesn't know the date. It says day Wednesday eighteen. This is like fourth grade dear diary. Today in the morning we read Ernie and the mile long muffler in Pe. We ran for three minutes. I tasted blood in my mouth and she smelled blood B L O D E, which I like. On recess, Casey said, since I cut my foot, I can't play soccer. Nikki said, but you don't even play, which is that good of a joke. But it's just so funny to be that cursed in fourth grade, noted that like, this girl was, like I remember who Casey was. She was someone that I like, I wasn't scared to like just say that kind of stuff too. It's not like she was a dork or something, but she wasn't. I wasn't intimidated by her because I was. I never like had an opinion in fourth grade towards anyone. I just wanted to be invisible. So it surprises me that I talked back to someone. But she goes, you know, in recess, I can't I can't play soccer because I cut my foot. And I remember the kids who play soccer were like kind of cooler, and so if you played soccer, you were cool. So I guess Casey was telling us like, I'm only not playing because I cut my foot, and I go, you don't play anyway, Like, I just like kind of like and that those little nuggets to me are special because I mean, kids are always funny. They say the darnest things. We know that from Bill Cosby and Tiffany hash but um, not that those two are related in any other sense than that, but um, I I like little confirmations that I was funny early on. And one other one that always sticks out to me was my aunt Lynn hated uh. She was so scared of um the she's scared of insects in general, but she hated ants so much like if there was she was so like scared of them the way people are scared of snakes and little tiny ants. And I was always just like, that's so like I just didn't understand it. And I remember going like, Aunt, Lie, it's so weird that you're an aunt and you're scared of aunts, but you're an aunt. And I didn't know what the words spelled like, but to me, it was just like that's I understood irony as a kid. I didn't obviously think aunts and aunts for the same thing aunts and aunts, but I remember she was like, that is the funniest thing I have. My aunt talks like that she's a little bit like me, Oh my god, nick you sure did you hear what NICKI just said? Get tell Nikki just said. And I remember being like, like the way Andrew was describing the other day about that dad commenting on his like great football pass, like being like, oh my god, like I just did something that is special. I don't know what it was. And then I looked back and I'm like, oh my god, that was that was really special. I was actually just um recalling babysitting for the appataws and I remember we made I was talking about how funny um Maud and Iris both were, but Iris was a little bit younger. Maud was probably like seven or eight, and we were making a cake. But it was in the middle of summer. We had nothing to like celebrate, and I think it was probably my idea to be like, let's just let's let's do a holiday we don't even know about, you know, So we were like, let's make a quanza cake. And I think we're being funny because it was like, that's a holiday that we don't know anything, very insensitive to people who celebrate quansa. I don't I'm not I would not do this today with children. I don't want to say it was a different time, but like I'm I'm a different, more sensitive person. Made a quanza cake because we were like, it's the summer, we don't know, there's nothing to celebrate. Let's celebrate something that we don't know how to celebrate it anyway. And I remember we were singing a Kwanza song, which we don't know, and so we're saying happy birthday, and we were like, happy Kuanza to you, Happy Quanza to you, and this little seven year old goes, Moud goes, we don't know what your holiday means, but we're gonna celebrate it anyway. And I just remember looking at her, like, you bitch, that was funnier than anything I could have come up with the refrain to that song. And I just remember being like, you're gonna You're gonna surpass me in this bizz someday. And she, I mean she did like she already had. She was knocked up at that point. But just when kids say things that, you go you are operating on a different kind of level in terms of comedy. Um, yeah, so she was born with it, or maybe it's maybe it's Mabelinge or Jetta or being on movie sets with hilarious people, or maybe it's genetic. I don't know. Let's get someone in here who I also think was born funny. Um, we'll ask him in my roommate. Hey Andrew, Hey, n, you don't have underward. I do have underwear on, four layers on, dude, don't worry about it, dude. I watched ted Lasso last night. Um, the episode that you've already seen. Remember when he goes, well, you know, fears a lot like underwear, and then she cuts him off. Oh no, I don't remember where it's okay, that was an easy line to miss, but she's he's talking to his therapist and he has all these like if you don't watch ted Lasso, you don't need to know that this isn't gonna take You're not gonna be left out. But he always has these like aphorisms I want to say, or like kind of little a dodges. I don't know that word is definitely not right, um, but like little sayings that are like, you know, with my favorite one on ted Lasso, was you talking bad about yourself? It's like Woody Allen playing the clarinet. I don't want to hear it. That's one of my favorites. But he has those little things. But he's talking to his therapist and she was saying that she was scared to get back on a bicycle after she fell off it, and he's like, well, you know what fears a lot like h fears a lot like underwear, and she goes ted, I don't want to do this right now, and then it never completes, and I'm and I know, I know they're gonna pay it off some at some point, we're gonna find out what that was. But I stopped the TV and sat for about I'm not gonna exaggerate twenty minutes and tried to think what because I thought it was gonna pay off in that episode. It didn't, so I think they're waiting till the end of the season. I am dying to know what fear is like underwear. And it doesn't pay off in the next episode either, because I watched the next one. So by the time this is out, if you want to also guess, I was like, um, you it's it's underneath. It's it's right below the surface, and you only need it when there's an accident or you and and or like, or you change it you you don't think, you don't think about it until you need it, or it's always there, or don't use the same one twice, or smell it before you decide to like you, fear's a lot like underwear. You gotta pick it up and sniff it sometimes because you don't know if it's been used. That's doesn't work for fear. Or you don't see it until it's too late, like or you don't care about it until it's too late, or yeah, it's something of something. Do you you were famously I mean you told yeah, I'm very known for it. Yet well you didn't wear underwear. One time when you were arrested, took your pants. You had to do a strip search and they go stripped down to your boxers and you in a like a holding room with thirty other men with hardened criminal men had to drop trout and everyone had boxers on except you. You were free ball on it. You would think there'd be at least one other guy at least. I feel like everyone got together and goes, look, we're all going to see a little dick, all thirty of us, and we're gonna laugh at him. I like, is this even jail an intervention for my penis? As part of it as view trying to cover your penis, but also like trying to look like yes, you're not trying to cover it. The half and half that that one part my soul is like that's the one where I go, oh, and the other said as part is I had a witness, like my your friend was arrested with you might not have even been remembered, you might have repressed. There's been so many stories where I go, why do I could have kept that in and no one wouldn't know, you know what I mean? It was something I did alone. I mean, I bring you on stage now by telling the story of how we like initially met and within you know, you d M because I asked you to be my dog walker and there's a story behind all of that. But I d M. I said meet me at bed Beth and beyond, and you met me downstairs and I was like already, like my cart was like kind of full. I was going through with Luigi. I wanted you to meet him, and you show up like a little bit of nervous energy, but I liked I was just like comfortable around you. Immediately, I was just like, I need to make this guy comfortable. He's like, I don't know what he's going through. But I liked you immediately. I wasn't like it was eight years of not getting anything, yeah, and you were so sweet, but then you revealed to me within seconds I mean du seconds. We were on the street, though. I think when I finally told you, I don't know if I told you in bed Beth and Beyond or remember it was inside. Either way, it was with five as I was like, do you think this one or this one? And You're like what to do? They? And I'm like, we've got a lot of work to do. Um, but you told me that you got an AIDS test because as a virgin, because you fingered a girl and you bite your fingernails, And I was like, I remember being like, why would this person tell me this? But also like that's the kind of shift I do, like the oversharing, and and I'm so grateful that I'm the person that this guy met in order like the I'm I'm glad that he didn't do this to anyone else because I can handle this and maybe not a lot of people could. I was like, Okay, you come to the right place. Like you might have been the one in thirty men without underwear at that time or at boxers, but I was the one in thirty people that would be okay with you saying that in a job in Lucky. I think. I think I just saw it as like we were talking to another comic and I wanted to impress you. I knew you were like an oversharer and you knew that a funny joke. Yeah, I mean's hilarious. I mean it's you know, it's great because you do that on stage. Now you tell the story and it just sets me up nicely too. Then you know, I never told the story of why I did it, but it's literally because I fingered a girl on a cruise and we were outside and the smell from her vagina overtook like it felt like I was in a small box with her, but we were on this boat with fifty mile winds. Yeah, you guys were doing like the Titanic, like like arms spread what ya um did? You might think it was like chum or some kind of like that. I thought it was red tide. Yeah, No, I so it was the smell. So if you fingered her and you put your fingernails and it wasn't stinky. You wouldn't have done that. I was really like, I was already very I was going to say, I thought you were just paranoid. Yeah, but it didn't help the fact that I thought it was like I say that you fingered a girl's vagina kind of smelled. Did that adds to the story. No, no, no, no, let me let me let me say it. It sets me up nicely to go into a little Florida stuff. The only thing I worry about is that girls are gonna be so scared about the smell of their pussy now because men are gonna think they have AIDS. Then no, no, I didn't have AIDS guys so obviously, but like, no, no, I'm just saying out there, if a girl's vagina smells, and she's super hot and you have like great chemistry, what are you gonna do? Um, honestly, I'm gonna I'm I don't give the right air vaginas that don't smell. I mean, I mean, like it has always smelled. They always are gonna smell, and they shouldn't smell good. It would be weird if your vagina smelled great. I understand it's smelling good after a guy has like fallen in love with you and like is into your pheromones. Like I like the smell of a guy's pits and like body odor when when I'm in love with them. But to have your vagina smell good without that, you're a weird you're kind of a pervert. And if you like the smell of like just pussy, because it's that's a that's a nook where a lot of saturation is happening, and it's like there's there's dirty things down there for sure, for sure, And honestly I wouldn't it was a cruise, Like you're not going to have a lasting relationship from a hook up on a cruise, like there was nothing involved there. But if it was someone I was dating that I love, I eventually maybe have no, no, no, you don't love them yet, because I feel like if you love them, we've already. This is like the first couple of dates. There's like there's just something kicking down there, and it feels like I know you're smart enough to know that a woman's vagina smelling a little bit like off doesn't mean HIV or like that she is going to give you a disease, although your brain might do that for you even though you know cognitively. That's when I'm fifteen or sixteen, I was so ignorant. Was literally like my first vagina I ever felt, what do you do now? If it's if it smells like, because I'm gonna like, I'm just speaking from my own experience, Like there are times where if a guy goes down on me, a new guy like does anything to me. I there's a part of me that's like, I hope it's okay today because I don't know. And maybe maybe because we talked about the other day, you don't know your own smell because you get used to it. That's why people stink and they don't know and you go, how can this going not fucking smell that he smells like this? It's because you know, we evolution, We get used to sense so that we can smell new ones. I honestly think I would give another try, And also like, would you tell them the smell is new to you? Would you want to know? Noah, if you're pussy sank, like, would you want a guide to gently tell her? I don't think I could tell her not unless it was like maybe five hook ups in and it's just like, okay, this is But I think, would you tell her? Would you just cut it loose? I think if I really liked her, I hopefully I would tell her. I do you want to do? When you role play? It's the fifth time you poked up with this girl and you guys have a great time together and you see a future. It's like the first person you've really connected within a while and you're like, oh my god, like this is happening. And you went down on her, like to say, on the second date and it wasn't great, and now you're about you went down on her again and it was it's just like not, there's something wrong, like and it's not just you. You've gone down enough girls to know or do you think it's you? What? What's what's yours? So hard? Because then it's like if she is aware of it and she can't do it, she's like tried to do stuff for it, she should warn you. Then if a girl has I think if you're aware of it, a vagina, like is there a vagina that like gingers? It's called v or bacterial bacterial vaginosis, And then yeah, like the girl should go and get something for that. I personally would not want to be told, but I have a suggestion of how you could handle it. What what you say, Hey, let's go and do this in the shower. I have like I've always wanted to eat a girl out in the shower or something. I've always wanted to see what it would be like to put a Listerine pocket pack strip between each of your labial folds and see what happens. I want to do a science experiment. I want to want to put an airborne in there and see what happened. Want you to douche with this uh clorox um? Yeah, I would say something. I think because you know, guys are less um like less of their identity I think, And I don't speak for like all men, and I certainly don't speak for any men, but I feel like less of your identity is wrapped up in like cleanliness and being like daint like whip. Being feminine is very like clean and like that's like how you're supposed to be a smelly penis. I'd say, listen, I fucking love sucking your dick, and I love your penis, like I'm obsessed and if that were the case, but I think if I wanted to make this relationship last, even no matter what their penis looked like, I would already be obsessed with their penis. I like you so much. There is something going on down there, and I don't think it has anything to do with like who you are. There's just something that is like not your fault that's happening down there, and I think you should just go get it looked at, because I'm like, I just I want to suck your dick all the time, and it's like preventing that and it's I don't care. I literally don't care at all. Like I've had a stinky pussy before, Like I would probably make up a scenario where like I've had the same thing happened to me and I just didn't know about it till someone told me. And I know this is so awkward, and I promise you it doesn't make me doesn't change the way I look at you or like how into I am. I just I'm trying to get COVID right now so I can suck your dick and I don't want to do have to do that because I'm trying to lose my sense of taste and smell actively and do you want me to die of COVID because I am. I am licking uh you know, nasal swabs at that I find in CVS dumpsters right now, just trying to kind of love it. If the guy was just like you're just gonna have to deal with it, like like, okay, Danny, know what would you what would you do if he's just like you gotta well, that's my dick. I mean a guy like would never do that, Like that would make me go Okay. However, no, I believe that as much as it would pain me, I would want a guy to have to do the exact same way. I just said that I don't judge you at all. This has happened to me before. I like I've I just think that you have something going on down there and you can't even I don't think you can smell it because or I don't think you sense it because you're all the way up here. But like, as someone that's been down there, I just want to let you know, like I love your pussy. I can't wait to get back in there. But the way it is now, there's something wrong. I learned that from ted Lasso his niece. Uh Roy's niece has bad breath, and they're both like, it can't be that bad because a boy at school is teasing her. They're like, I can't, oh honey, it can't be that bad. And they both smell and they're like and like gagging, And the way they tell her is like, it's not your fault, Like I love that, Like it's because I think that so much of this stuff is like you're dirty, you're wrong, you're bad, you did something bad. And even if you are unclean and it is your fault because you don't wash your vagina properly, that's still not your fault to me at least, because something's going on in your life where you either didn't learn how to clean yourself because and that's not your fault, or maybe you don't care because you like go of your cleanliness because you're depressed. That's not your fault. You're depressed, Like whatever reason it is, I I definitely would take away. The hardest part about it, though, is if you do say something, the next time you hook up, it's on their mind and next time you know, it's like yeah, But then you can make a joke of it and go I'm going in like you can make it's still there, like keep keep the conversation going. Don't make it be a one time thing, because if you take away the person delivering the news, if you make it so casual that you like don't care at all about talking about it, then the person that it's is going to feel more comfortable about it. If you're like trepidacious. I feel like that's when when someone is bringing up something to me that's like hard for them to do, whether it be you or any or even myself. When I bring up something for someone the like hey can we talk um, so I don't know what, Like all of that stuff makes whatever is about to come so much worse because I'm reading their body language and their way they talk, and I'm like, holy sh it, this is really bad because the way they're presenting it, whereas opposed to like, hey, uh there's this thing and listen, this is like it happens all the time. Maybe it's just me. Maybe maybe there's something wrong with me that I bugs bugs me, But it's this thing, and the more casual you are about it, that's I think why with anal sex I'd become so far into the shipping thing and like being like you're gonna get shut on if you do anal sex, like you're gonna come across poop. Like, let's just be casual about it, because when it happens, I don't want it to be this thing of like do we we both know what happened, we're not going to talk about it. Like if we talk about it, it takes away the weight and the shame of some much. If you go big up top, then whatever ends up happened, like you're gonna shoot on him, and so maybe a little ship will get on you. It's like when it's like, you know, forty people died, now just five people died, kind of thing like you're you're you're going bigger. Last night, they told a girl that her house burned down and they felt but so that she would leave their stand so they could sneak into the bar on this episode and they're all like, we feel bad because she ran out of the bar being like my building's burning down, and they go, no, she's gonna appreciate an apartment more than she ever has now because it's gonna like you know, when you think you find your wallet and you're like, I love this wallet's so much. But so then you go your vagina and your butthole smell, and then it's just my friend Gave Kia had a great joke about what he got a felony and he got arrested for dealing cocaine in college, and obviously that was he just like, you know, he's a nice boy that just got into the wrong game and got busted almost right away, you know, and he got busted, and it also it was it was A the guy that turned him in that rat it on him was A was one of the family of the like O'Riley Auto parts, and so he does the joke and he goes, oh, O'Riley, you're a narc. And so every time I drive best O'Riley outs, I like flick it off and send a picture to Gabe Kia of like maybe like fuck you Oriley, when really it's just like a kid like don't don't not give O'Riley business because of this. But um, but he said that when he told his mom, he goes, mom, Um, I have a felony charge, and she was like what he was like, and she goes for what game? And he goes rape and she's like, oh my god, and he goes just kidding, mom is cocaine and she was like, oh good, and so then she was like relieved. It's so funny. Actually it happened to me once with a death. Like the one death that I've had that's been closest to me was my cousin j D, who I grew up with, and um my sister called me in two thousand, like fourteen and was like Nikki and I was just like, oh my god, my dad's dad, like my dad or mom died tragically like and then she was like j D is dead. I was like, oh thank god. You know, like compared like cousin, a cousin I'm very close to, compared to my parents is quite a different thing. So it was like there was a release immediately. There was like Okay, oh good, I I have Grad two for my parents. It was almost like, um, you know, when you you're upset about something, make a grad two list. Because it made me celebrate things I now have that I thought I did to go through like something that big, to realize like something is important. I know. I mean Norm MacDonald, I'm like, oh, I would love to go see him. I'm like really into him right now. Well too late. I did get to see him at Carolines like four years ago. That's cool, Yeah, it was. It was pretty incredible. Did he bomb or did he kill? Because I'm a little bit of both. Really, do you remember any highlight of such zero Fox? It's like he goes up there. I mean, who knew he had cancer at this time? Which that was another thing I was thinking about. With him having cancer, whether it's terminal or not, it was nine years. It's a great reason to be like, I don't give a funk if I go up there and talk about for an hour if it helps, Yeah, exactly. I was thinking. I was thinking about this week and ago. We all have the terminal illness of life. Yes, And I was like, why do I get I'm opening with a bit that I been a little afraid though, you know what I mean? Like that's why I say in our little chats before I got I kind of make it becomes a little bit sad because I go, we could die tomorrow. Let's treat the show like if we knew we were going to die tomorrow, we wouldn't give a funk. We would just want to have his much fun as possible. So let's treat this like because there's always like, I want to work on this joke because I've got this thing coming up. What if you don't have that thing coming up, Like, what would this set be like? And maybe you can still work on that joke because there's fun to be had in the process. Um so even if you thought you were dying tomorrow, you still want to do this new joke that isn't completely worked out. But like, if we all did live like that, it would be uh, it might be pandemonium actually, but he you know how Gary channeling, there might be a lot of coke dealings, if you know what I'm saying. From the last Oh yeah, that's that's a good plant. We're like, we're gonna die tomorrow. Me and Nick Garden is dead in an alley from drinking. We got get to the news, okay, Um yeah, so he was great and uh, but we will interject norm stories throughout this. I feel I do want to hear about your experience seeing him. All right, let's get to the news. Apparently you ah you heard it here first is a big, big, big episode. We're on YouTube now, Hi, everyone at home. I hope you're having all the swells. Yeah, that's to you, and you comment on my looks below. I'm never going to read these comments no matter what. I just want to let everyone know. No, he won't. We'll read the comments because he's a glutton for pain. But you can say I would love to you say nice things because I feel like I'll just feel it in the in the in the ether. I won't read nice ones or bad ones. I will never There's no way I will ever read these comments ever because it helps the algorithm, and I swear to yeah, definitely read them, but just know I will never read them. So if you're trying to hurt me, it ain't gonna happen. But but Andrew will read them, so um, and then I'll try to hurt him. Yeah, and then I'll write it and then on our refrigerator if you just well sorry, no, I was gonna say, just not to confuse people. This episode will be on YouTube on Wednesday. Will announce everything on our Instagram. But on this episode, I just want to say, comment below if you want to comment below anything, and you probably already have at this point because we're far into the episode, and if you hated it, you stopped watching it, but a lot of people like continue watching things when they hate it. If you're watching and you don't like this and you want to comment something mean, would you say that to my face in the street? Honestly ask yourself that, because that should be the litmus before you comment something like you should have to do a capture of like face timing me, you know, because I bet you wouldn't. But maybe you're gonna write, I wouldn't say it to your face because your face looks fucking puffy and tired. Dumb bitch, I haven't come in a while, and I'm angry. Chad's I'm gonna get killed right now. I love it. I'm I might be all it's the first story. Uh, Instagram is wreaking havoc on young girls. A study founded exactly a big show Sucking up exacerbates nice, negative body image, low self esteem, anxiety, depression, and in extreme cases, suicidal thoughts. The study was commissioned by every Day, was commissioned by Facebook, and then buried by its own executives. Wait, so Facebook and Instagram are Facebook. Yeah, okay, so it was commissioned by it and then the report was buried because the research was probably even worse than we can. I'm sure there's if a thirties seven year old woman who has worked on herself so much can still has to mute people on Instagram so that she doesn't feel sad. And even body positive accounts trigger me where they're like girls showing their cellulite or like bigger women being like I'm beautiful. Even those pissed me off and make me feel weirdly insecure. My cellulite isn't as dimply as hers or uh, you know, there's always just something if it's happening to me, I can't. I just I know it's the most know pedestrian thing to say. Oh if you know social media were around when I was a good but not ever, But I would have I would have killed myself. Yeah, I'm not joking you. I wouldn't have been good for someone like me. I would not have survived. I don't think I would have survived it. I just wonder if there's like, um, like, let's say you had Instagram since you were you know not, and I would have been wrong to do that, by the way, I want to say, like I would It would have been the biggest It would have been the saddest thing because what potential I had and what bullshit that all is that, Um, but I wasn't smart enough for my brain wasn't developed enough to see past those things. So I just want to say that when I say that, I just mean like I was a kid that would have made a very dumb uh and final decisions. So yeah, I mean it's tough because because of Instagram, because of social media, there are so many platforms and so many different influencers that could be positive for these kids. What happens is is a type in like they want to get in the body building like this wouldn't happens with and then Instagram will take that and go, all right, well, here's three accounts of the hottest women you've ever seen that my right body building caption and their thing. And then they see the likes that they get, they see the followers they get, and then they look at their forty followers, they look at their cellulite and things followers for girls, though, like I think for for teenage girls, I don't know if it's just followers. I think it's just like, oh, I wish my body would look that way. On top of that I'm saying, it's like the girls with the best bodies have the most followers and like fame and like, even though they don't probably think they can get a blue checkmark in the fame and the thousands and thousands of likes, they think, like, you know, obviously that's what gets that kind of thing, Like the way I looked. I never thought I was gonna be Jenniferranston when I was in middle school, but the way that I thought, I wanted to be that famous in my own world. And so, yeah, I think you're definitely I think involved in it. Though I think I think that people want to be famous so bad. Yeah, it's all about going viral, it's all about being big on TikTok. And then their friend has big boobs, so she gets them literally a million fathers for having big boobs. She doesn't have big boobs, and then she thinks I need breast and plant. And then journaling today and I was like dealing with a jealousy issue that I'm having about someone in the business that is like a peer and like and a friend, and I was just like, I was just journaling about my feelings about it because it's just I can't help my feelings, you know, like it's I'm not choosing to be jealous of this person and and I wrote, Okay, if this person gets all the things that I'm scared they're going to get because I don't have those things, or even maybe the things that I do have that this person is also going to get. That maybe makes me feel like the things that I got are not a special because now someone else got them, or they're going to be the new big man on campus and they're gonna forget about me. Will it change? What will that person get at that I don't have right now? Like what's what am I honestly wanting? And the truth is love? And um maybe a lot like a life part, like it might expose me to more people. That I will have the best, the richest friends, not richest meaning like I'm not like emotionally, I mean financially, um uh no. I love the what I will have the you know, the best. I will have the option to have the best of everything, and I guess that's it, or I will have enough person has love in their personal life and friends, so that's probably added thing. It's not though, because that's what help helps get me there was like this person, I could be jealous of them without the fame because what I really want is what they already have, and that's like a partner who loves them. Um financial security, uh like just a just a great outlook on life, just kind of uh happiness, a strong sense of self. And then the things that they're gonna get are not going to give them more of that. So why am I threatened by more people liking this person? Because the things I want do do not. I do not get any of the things that I'm thinking when I really break it down, like I just want to be happier. I always want, like to feel better and what makes me feel better connection, um, comfort, foot massages, all of those things I can get without fame and have had without fame. Yes, some of those are acquired through money, especially foot massages and comfort. But um, I just I had to really like journal about and I was able to release it because I was like, this is a fallacy. My jealousy is a fallacy because there's nothing true about it, Like jealousy is born of I guess envy is when you want something that someone else has, And I think it was more envy of like I I don't know the difference between jealosy and envy. I always like back up different. But that's a that's a big one, thank you, and that's what I was looking for. It's like underwear. Wait can I question? Wait? Uh wait? Was it gonna Oh? But see, I think like you, you you have reached. I guess it's why billionaires are still upset because they still want more. Right, Like, it's about at that point, it's just about needing more. Like you've accomplished. Literally, I don't want people to forget about me, and I don't want my accomplishments to be diminished when someone else gets the same things. That's that's almost what it isn't but it doesn't affect you. I don't think that's what I'm saying. That I did the math. I was able to break apart the problem and deconstruct it and go, Okay, what I'm what I'm jealous what I think this person is going to get? The happiness, the comfort, the friends, the people like cool, people thinking she's cool. Uh, I already have all that. And also I know that the last one especially doesn't mean anything, and it doesn't make me feel better. I always just feel like I'm tricking that cool person, and that that person isn't as cool as I thought. They worked as they like me, So I always already invalidate that if it happens. So once I was able to deconstruct it and be like, I was able to release it, like I honestly, I'm at a point now where I'm like, God, I hope this person gets everything that they want. And I really can say that because I was able to write it out and like and and take the feeling and I don't know, just prepare it apart and go like this feeling is actually doesn't even have it's not even true, But jealousy doesn't. Is My question though, is though, Like, so, like, let's say you were a sixteen year old girl right in this world, you probably already have four hundred thousand followers right on TikTok. You're doing well, you know what I mean, We're not These people didn't pull girls that have six hundred thousd followers on TikTok. These are girls that have no, no, no, no followers. Maybe I'm just saying I know, I'm saying they're looking at accounts they have maybe forty whatever. What do you say to the girl that hasn't reached anything, I can't say you won't know until you try and you get a little bit of that that that stuff doesn't bring you happiness. No amount of me saying fame doesn't bring you happiness, or or anyone fairness saying that will will make you believe that You'll have to have your own set. You'll have to live your life, go after the things that you think you want and see and and really just investigate what is actually what you're after? What do you after? Ultimately, love happen like honestly money, and then what what does money say about you? Well, it means, um, I can live comfortably. Okay, we'll comfort and have shelter and food and all that that's important. But like when you break it down, you will have eventually realized that those stuff don't bring you happiness. But it's so ingrained in us that even I knowing these things still get wrapped up in it and I have to I have to pause and journal, I have to do it. It was it was honestly felt like a math to us that you know you would have cheated on but you know when like you would have to do a quadrat like you would have to break it down and show your work. I just show my work of my feeling, Like, okay, show how how did you get to jealousy? What's going on here? And then once you break it down, you're like this this the science doesn't match. It doesn't there's no reason. I It was like, how I quit drinking. Once I looked at all the reasons for why I drank, and that book, the Alan Carr Easy Way to stop drinking it any reason I had to drink, he would disprove and go, actually, that's doesn't do that for you. It doesn't make you braver, It doesn't make you more courageous, it doesn't make you more social. It doesn't. And once he he he gave every arc like I couldn't argue, yes, it does. He broke it down. I was like, I can't do it anymore. I can't. I don't have the need to drink. So now I don't have the need to be jealous of that that particular person I was able to on brainwash myself. I guess next story, um next. It goes really well into the next story. By daydreamings, individuals realized is unmet emotional and psychological needs. In a fictitious environment, a person can spend more than sixty of their waking time in an imaginary world they have created. I don't relate to daydreaming at all. I was gonna say I was. There's three different personalities that were studied. There's the narcissistic grandiosity. Grandiosity grandiosity the tendency to believe that one is superior to others and deserves special treatment. More likely to daydream about themes such as wish fulfillment, power, dominance and violence, separation and security, fearing rejection and our separation. Uh. They're more likely to daydream about distractions from boredom, rewarding pastimes, and caring relationships. And the last one is on hedonia I don't know, lacking enjoyment or energy for life experiences. They recall a rewarding pastime and distractions from unpleasant reality. So essentially, people either you know, day daydream about when things were actually good. I've never done that because it's already done and I am like it's gone, like you can't get it back. I don't even like to go back in the point. When you daydream, do you actually see things like I'll do it in the car. Sometimes in the car on a long drive, Like, what are you daydreaming about? I mean you've you've been interviewed by Letterman in the shower. That's day dreaming. I thought that was real. No, yeah, that no, that's what I was going to web series and interviewing people in a shower. Yeah. It was just a tester for his Netflix show We Want a Quimby thing that never really got off the ground. Yeah. I was less expensive than a mannequin. They put it in a chair. That does seem like a web series. Some one would do was like we interview people in showers, you know, like you're trying to just quirky different it really is, and then you put a plan in there yes yes, um, and then you get a special when everyone tells you it's brilliant. Anyhow I digress. Uh should we watch that later? And you'll laugh? Um so anyway, so yeah, no I do that on the shower. I do it because what are you in the car. I'll just get law. Sometimes I'll drive. I mean it sounds bad, but like all daydream and an hour will pass and I go I was driving. I have that too, where it's like you all of a sudden go whoa, whoa. Tell me what you daydream about? Are you going past present or future? A lot of times I'll be doing in uh future. Future violence was one of those. Yeah, I daydream about killing like a family of six, I mean six, about driving a bigger car to kill more people, right, it's pretty cool. Yeah, you daydream about plowing into a head on into a minivan. You know. Would be dope is driving a smart car into a truck and you demolished the truck. That would be badass. Wait what because you always see like one of these semi trucks, But why would that happen if a tiny car like physically maybe it hit a ramp and then went through the windsheet like a deer. That's funny. Yeah, a little like um, one of those little cars that are like you know the yeah, like a Fiat Yeah, just like goes off a ramp and then slams into a huge Walmart like like, oh, nothing can hurt me. I'm semi truck driver that takes up nine lanes. And then I love arts. I love truck drivers, by the way. I don't want to make fun of them, and I think they actually are the most safe on the road that you love getting made fun of. Freaking all right, well, common palou, what do you feel go after him? I'm not afraid. I love that they love it. Apparently, I've on Reddit accountless times people are like, my dad's a truck driver. Just know that they love that. They love you to go doorn signal yeah they love it, or the maybe it's a jerk, I'll jerk you off at the next rest stop. Maybe that's why they like it. A sign of a picture of George. Mind you drink people off if you pull it like a crank. Um Uh. What do you daydream about? Noah, do daydream? I like, I used to daydream all the time. And I'm almost like a little embarrassed to admit it, but I used to like daydream about being in like a loving relationship. And this is like when I was a teenager the letterman Tom Hardy. But I used to, like, Okay, I think that like my my pillow was like a body, you know. I would just like always like go to bed and just like get into like these really long like day dreams. I used to do it all the time. I don't wow, not anymore, though, I really am envious of that, I think it relates to my envy of women who um and I can do the math on this one, and it actually checks out because I can't do it. Who can um think about past sexual encounters or fantasize and and come from like their minds and like a story they tell in their mind. I have no ability to do that either, if anyone knows why I can't, I'm not one of these people that can't recall people's faces, and of mine, there's some people that have the like they can't imagine a face until they see it, like even like their mother. Have you ever tried to masturbate? No porn? Like, when's the last time you just did it with your brain? I would never even attempt to do that, Like most of the time, I can't even do it with peint. You try it like within the next week and see and talk about it. Yeah, I feel like it would be like me in the woods rubbing two sticks together to make fire, Like it would just be naked and affright. Honestly, it's just you gotta talk about that on stage. It's very funny to like to just I mean, I just want you to try, Like I think it's high on your own supply. Yeah, I mean I love that someone. I think Ashley Hasseltine is the one that said it's like playing acoustic what do you just do it with your hand? Yeah? I love that. Um, I can't even I mean it would be it. I've tried it, and like weird people have to be. It has to be someone I actually have a chance with. That's where I fantasize, like the times that I did dream times, I daydream is when I have potential with someone that's very exciting, like it's on the move but it hasn't happened yet, and I can close my eyes on a plane and just imagine like being in a relationship with them, and like how exciting it's going to be when I see them like the next time, And like that, it's got to be on the precipice of real And it's always always about a guy. It's never about like oh my god, I might get SNL. Like, it's never that. It's never a career thing because those things stressed me out, whereas like a loving relationship makes me feel like oh I can't wait, so that. But it has to be someone that's like I actually have a chance with not like there's never like a celebrity unless it's, you know, a celebrity of a chance with which they don't want to date me because they like like their private lives and don't and also maybe they just don't want to date me. I like to say it's because they're so private. That's why. That's why celebrities wouldn't. That's why Ben Affleck would swipe left on me on right because he knows I talk so openly on stage and he wants to keep it. I mean, he knows your whole act and he would know exactly the jokes that you're talking. He might be a fan. I'm sure he is. Are I'm like, yes, Endy, you actually he's I mean, I'm sure I would almost guarantee it doesn't know who I am, doesn't I don't know. I feel like a lot of people know who you are to you didn't expect it, like at times, I mean, I do know that I did an impression of Jennifer Anderson on Whitney Cummings podcast, and Whitney sent me a screenshot of jen d m ng her and saying you didn't know that. I was just so mortified because it wasn't that good of an impression. I hadn't like practiced in a while, and it wasn't like it just wasn't right. She wrote, like like like crying tears, like it was I'll pull it up. I probably still have it. It was like an emoji that wasn't but you're kidding and it does that count? Yeah? It was like it was good, but oh, here it is. She wrote, oh lord to exclamation marks and then the the the emoji where it's like the two like harol'll zoom in. I mean that's eight he he. I did it, you guys. Jennifer Ranston laughed at something I did and said, oh lord, oh lord. You know, I bet who's not getting that the person you're jealous of? And yeah, yet they're probably you know, they'll get that version. You know. I don't want my heroes to know. Like when I did that, I remember being like, Jen's probably gonna and I love that I'm calling her Jen. Jen is probably gonna see this because she's friends with Whitney and I know that, like, and Whitney's tagging her in the videos and I was just like, I know she's going to see it, and I was just like no, I just I don't want I don't want my heroes to know exist and I want no not at all. Like the Taylor Swift thing, like I get into trouble. I love people so much that I have opinions about them that might be a little bit negative. Like my impression of her isn't like glowingly nut like it's just like, ah, you know, it's like it's not like the best thing to love, like we forget how great are I don't know what that one was, but I do think that I do think though that she yeah, I'm glad I would review. I remember when she sent it to me, I didn't even look at it. That was the first time I was actually looking and and the fact that she said it to me, I knew it was positive. So I just kind of like didn't look at it. But I still don't remember what Taylor Swift wrote to me on the comment that she wrote to me on my my thing. I I she wrote, I think it was like, oh my god, thank you so much. Like but I looked at it once and I never will again because I was just like, Okay, I know it's positive. I can't dissect it because if I even sense that she's a little bit like this girl comes sucks and like this is lame. I won't be able to enjoy her anymore. And I need Jen and I need Tay. Let's take a quick break and we'll be back with why do we care? Andrew? Why do I care? Interesting question? Why do I care? Oh? Man, this is pretty big news. I hope you're sitting down again. Okay, Love is blind Star Jessica ba betteam Yeah. Wait is she talking to Um Barnett or Mark right now? Oh? Barnett? Okay, so what is about me? Oh my god, to a surgeon named Benjamin McGrath who's not related to that other McGrath guy that had the hit Mark every morning. I'm not going to say, Jessica, what's the name again, Jessica, Jessica Rabbit is her name? Jessica Batton button Um that ruge? Actually we all remember her. She She ended up falling for Well, she loved Bartonette. She was and then she like when Mark. She got with Mark though, and she would talk to Mark like hey, Mark, will you go get me another glass of wine? And she'd be like, so, Barnett, I think that you and and are like getting together and I don't know, Hey, Mark, I'm never gonna sleep with you, like poor Mark, Like she just she couldn't she couldn't get it up for old Market. Mark was a great guy on that show when they fall for you through the door and then you opened the door and they're like. I've been watching her on I followed her on Instagram immediately upon watching that show because I felt like she was I just thought, like, you know, this woman drank a little too much sometimes and probably had like like I relate to drinking too much and saying embarrassing things. And I thought, you know what, this woman, I'm not making fun of her for that. I'm making fun of her for like doing a baby voice with a guy she likes, and and like that. I actually liked this girl because I felt I felt for I felt very connected to her as someone who struggles with drinking. And like That's why I didn't do ever audition for a Real World or any of those shows, even though I would have loved to, because I knew that I would get drunk and embar same things would have been ridiculous and I wouldn't have been I would have been so embarrassed I couldn't live with myself, and so that is um so I felt for I followed her, and so I've been watching this relationship kind of take place, and I'm really happy for Do I think it will last? No, No, I don't think anything. To be honest with you, I do think. No. I think you and Abby will last. I do think that. Um but but honestly, well, I do want to say though that I just don't think that marriages that last until death are ut successful and marriages that fail or divorces make a marriage unsuccessful. I think that that is completely false. And like a lot of times I see couples that have been married for like fifty five years, and it's like, wow, give it up for them everyone. It's like they just were too scared to leave. Like that's not and that's they didn't brave it out. They even seven several bedrooms and they don't talk to each other. That's not like, Wow, they worked through the hard times. A lot of times it is what happens, and they go to therapy and they like get through really trying times and they're still in love, and like that's a successful marriage. Just staying married that ain't successful to me. You can say a lot of things, and it's to me that's laziness. And that's why I always congratulate people when they get divorced. I mean, if you're fucking like because it's harder to do for like thirty years and you're like sixty eight, you know, seventy, and you're like, I'm going to make a change now, like that as brave as farve. No, it's wild. It's wild to think I'm gonna put myself back out there. I would say that is up there with trans people that decide to make the transition when they know deep down there, like when they put everything on the line, all that the fear and the judgments from other people. Like I do think trans people are the bravest people alive. Um like like to do that. And even if you I don't think you're weak if you don't decide to transition, because I just I don't think that I could do it if I deep down one too. It's just so scary the judgment and like what you stand to lose in the what you what you stand to the radical curely you stand to have inflicted upon yourself just because you want to be yourself like it's too much. So I like, I I think trans people should board trans people who have transition should be able to board planes before soldiers because I think it's right. Or at the same time, let me just say that, because I think they are just as brave and people go, maybe you're gonna comment like what this country like, thank you for your service, please board the plane early. I like that too, But no, and they just want to be different and get attention. You're such an idiot if you think that, You're literally such an idiot if you think that trans people like who would choose? I mean, it's great that trans people should be happy that they're trans, but like and for who they are. But if anyone thinks someone chooses to do that to like have their family not think they're like to not acknowledge them anymore, like people, do you know what I'm saying? No, I hear what you're saying. Why I don't understand why people can't get it that like that might there's a thing that you might not experience more self that they're going through that might you might not be able to. But can you grasp the idea of something hard that would be really hard to do? That you wouldn't want to do, but you have to do because it's just so part of you. You can maybe grasp that idea, maybe extend it to that. But like I would say that people probably go their thought processes well, negative attention, still attention, you know, that's what they would say. They would go, well, oh, well are they getting aren't a lot of outside Maybe there is someone that's been trans and they did it for attention. Let's just say that that those people do exist. Even that is like so sad, and I feel for that person. They have to like they want attention so bad that they have to do this thing. Like there's this new trend on TikTok and this is separate issue. There's a new trend on TikTok where people are like pretending to have autism and like attention, or they pretend to have like a disability. That's what I'm saying. That kind of ship. Like even Garritt from uh F Boy Island, I couldn't understand why he would want to be a villain, like he's signing up for the show where he's lying about who he is. You have to go through the rest of your life people knowing your a liar like you are. You're signing up to be a villain. And that goes back to Trump, Like it's proven now that negative attention equals people will like it and rally around you. I just don't think that someone who's trance that like isn't able to now see their nieces and nephews because they've like because they get and they have to like get injections that cost so much money, and they like have to you know, they have to change their name and like all the stuff. Like I don't think I can't imagine looking at that person going, God, they just are so desperate for attention, Like why would you sign up for something that makes you feel more alienated from the people you love in general? You know, I just I just don't get it. But um, maybe someone can explain it to me. But I don't think that you're going to do a good job. So do we think Jessica's over barnett Um? You know? I bet? I bet finally she is, and she really like wish is the best for him and like if there's every union, like she will talk so high that dogs will start barking in nearby and say, what get me a Daniel because she's not drinking anymore, and so she's like, really, now, I'm just guessing that's the only way I would hope that man a relationship with her is if she had to handle on her drinking. Sorry Jess, but and and to her husband, let me just say if if you're dating someone and when they get boozed up, you don't like who they are, but they love boozing, and you go, you know what, I can tolerate it here and there. If the person doesn't have a plan to maybe not do that ever, Goun, It's only gonna get worse. It's never gonna get better. If you're dating someone who drinks and then they're mean to you or you hate the way that they act, and they don't ever acknowledge it, and they're not trying to get better, it's only going to get it worse, and you're eventually gonna get divorced and hate them and lose half of your money, even if you have a prenup. Because I've heard that prenups don't even protect you. Is that true? Andrew, have you heard the same thing? Oh yeah, did you listening? Oh man, okay, well that's what happens when I start singing off key. Um, this is starioke mode. All right, let's get to top one, banna one. Uh. This is our Monday segment where we list. We go around the horn me Noah and uh Noah, Andrew and I, I correct myself, are going to say our top one and bottom one least in top favorite thing of a category. Today's category is pets, pets that we have had in our past. Worst pet, best pet. I can start us off worst pet. My dad found a hermit crab on a bike ride in about seven It was crawling across the street and he picked it up and he brought it home to our family, and we were excited because we liked any kind of new pet, right, and we put it in the little terrarium aquarium thing. And then we got more for it because we it needs friends, you know, because we didn't read about how they're not really social creatures. I don't know if they are not. They got more. That's a good fucking point. Oh my god, it's in the name. Uh So my dad got some more leave me alone crabs, you know, so that they can all hang out. I don't want especially human crab. I don't know what was wrong with them. We got some solitary shell fish crab, no crabs, alloud crab and then the b is backwards like a little side on a little rascals outside on a beach. That is kind of good. Um, so we got a hermit crab. We got more hermit crabs and then they just started like they're like I hated them because they're spiders in a shell, like spiders in the shed l hermit crab, Like they are terrifying. I don't I didn't like them. I like them now a little bit, but I still like they gross me out and they like their eyes come out and they're little like tentacles. They're creepy. They're not I don't like them. And James Spain says crabs are unsettling. They walk sideways. It's unsettled. Yeah, it's like it's so that they're just like and they're they're just like. I love all animals. I don't even eat crabs, even though it's my favorite food. Hermo crabs are not my favorite food. But like they so we got these her crabs. Long story short, Um, did you paint the shells? No? Because I wouldn't want to get close to them like I wouldn't want to hold them. They're so they're gross there. They look like you ever flipped over Have you ever seen the flip side of one of those horseshoe crabs? And they just look like spiders, just like we look like too many legs. I don't like things with too many legs and so um. I uh so anyway, they we just like didn't feed them, didn't clean their cage, and they just started smelling like the pussy you fingered when that got Yeah, I sat these crabs down and I said, listen, I've been there before too, but they just started stinking so bad. And I remember their little dish of like water that you had to put is little like shrimp ease in and it just everything was disgusting about these things. And I they started dying and like up starvation and like mound nourishment. And I'm really reluctant to say that because it's like so awful, but they just like start like I think we've all we all know of the family, or we've had a pet that we just didn't treat right, and it's like I've one day in therapy and like when I it was first going to therapy. I thought about these hermit crabs and I started sobbing more than I've ever cried in my whole life about how bad I mean, I could do it right now, about how I just let and they weren't my responsibility. I didn't ask for these crabs. I had adults living at home that should have taken care of them and fed them. And I watched these animals died because I was too scared to get close to their cage and change the water and get in there and like feed them. And so I felt helpless and watched these animals like die from neglect and like it it is. That's one of my that's one of my biggest regrets in life, is like that I let that that I witnessed that and let that happen, and like that's I think, why what spurred my like obsession with animal advocacy and just like you know, just that seeing that happen. But I will say that when it got down to like one or two crabs left, we snuck them. This is another horrible thing we did. We went to pet smart and I put them. We put them in um a bag and we put them in cages at pet Smart we like put them into pet smart because we knew they left a baby. Like it's like, that's the Do not do that. That happens all the time at zoos and at pet stores. Don't do that. Look for a better way to surrender your pets Craigslist. I don't know. I I'm reluctant to tell that soft shelled crabs when I worked at a when I worked as a as a fishmonger, I had to cut their heads off. It was wild and their arms would still be moving and I had to come with a scissor. Like I did not want to do this. Okay, what's what is your yeah? Killing animals? You know what? I just want to say. I felt bad about that selling that. Sorry. I don't eat animals and maybe you do at home. So if you're judging me, you you participate in the in the deaths of many animals if you eat them. And so I'm making up for it now. But Andrew, all right, uh kind of in the same vein, Uh, my brother decided to um by a Burmese python, which is a snake that gets to about I don't know, let's say two. And he bought this thing, and I mean it's the most Florida pet ever, I mean a snake. What did your parents allow this? I don't know if he really had a discussion. He just brought home. Not lizards, you know, a very fast like big lizards. I don't know what kind of that. Yeah, this, well, the snake was just like we'd feed it mice and that lizard got saved you a lot of money and carnes are and so he did, he did, and I owe him. Did the Burmese python held out with you know homeowners? He actually, you want to know a crazy story. So we had a drug dealer, uh neighbor who he sold like pot. I actually took acid with him. One time he shot a gun into our house because I think he was mad at my step brother, and it went through the snake cage. It didn't kill the snake, but it hit the snake. I mean, what more Florida story than that? A guy shooting I mean, that's up there with you getting arrested for speaking on a jet ski and a man Yeah, shooting a gun into our snake. What happened? So my brother leaves for college, leaves the snake and care my stepmom or or my parents, and it dies I don't know exactly how it died. I think my stepmom said that it killed itself by a shot shot to the head. Wa Um. But yeah, that's I mean, it's such a big and it's such a eventually that animals going to outgrow your house unless you live in a This is like a heartbreaking segment. Okay, No, what do you have a bad pet that didn't die tragically? Uh? We weren't allowed to have uh any pets when we were growing up, really, except for like a dog once I was once we were like I was a teenager, I always wanted to have hamsters and rabbits and all these animals we just were not allowed to. But um, at one point, um, I started looking into getting a bear to dragon and I wanted a beer to dragon so bad, so bad. And then I was I didn't get one because when I realized that I had to feed it crickets and I had to like have like frozen mice in my freezer, I was like, this is gonna You're doing a little instead of just letting it starve to death because you didn't want to handle you buy these animals. You don't think ten years now or two months now, like, especially with dogs, people do not how much moneys how much money at the end, gonna cost um. Yeah, you got to think about all that. It's a cute puppy and just like, yeah, it's bearded dragon. Such a funny name. Man, it's like a goatee cat or something. I don't know cat, but like amstachioed ferret. Yeah it is bearded is and like I hate when bearded dragons like you know why they do that though they don't have chins and they're trying to look like they have chins. Bad jawlines. Yeah, dominant on on Bumblebee, which is their favorite dating app, because that's what they eat. I'm going to call my dick the bearded dragon from now on. I was going to say a pussy joke about it because that does sometimes. Okay, favorite pet, I mean, hands down, without a doubt. Yeah. Yeah. My bird Kiwi parakeet I had when I was in fifth grade. Um, he could do tricks. He would say, he would repeat things. He would he was very smart. Uh You'd say flip the bird and he would flip around on his thing. Or you'd say do your trick and then he would go to the corner. Of the cage and put one hand on each side and then flip into the corner of the cage. And it was just like he was amazing. And um, you know, he picked stuff out of my teeth. I had braces at the time. That was fun. He would like pick on my hangnails, which I loved. I'd be like eat it and he would just like rip him out and I loved it. And then um, and he also yeah famously, well one time he would always talk you know, I told the story before, but he would always be like program like that was exactly how he talked. And but sometimes he would do like our voices intermixed with it, but that he wouldn't do the voices in the cool stuff unless he didn't think we were listening, you know, like he didn't want attention on him. But he was in our kitchen like in them he in his kid was in our kitchen. People were kind of like grossed out by it. But he we didn't clip his wings. He could fly around. He was just so sweet. And my friends and I would always just have to like sit there next at the table next to him and pretend like we weren't watching him, and and like kind of talk slowly and eat our cereals so that he would start talking not thinking we were paying attention. And one time me and Huffy were eating honey bunches of Votes with all mends, which was our favorite cereal, and like eating and we were just like being quiet so we could hear him, and he just was like, Mom, I hate my fucking middle name. And we were both like, did he just say, mom, I hate my fucking middle name in your voice? Nicky? Like we both heard it clears day and I don't hate my middle name he just came up with, but he said it clears day and we both heard it and it was awesome. It's so wild. I mean, how many times do you think he heard you say that over the years, probably like mom, I hate and then like fucking he definitely heard every other word in our fucking house. And then middle name. I don't know, maybe he said something else, but it sounded like middle name. Who knows, and he did that one time. Yeah, it was just but it was just like perfectly my voice. It was great. Uh, what was your favorite pet um? I don't know if this is cheating, but it's actually my older brother. That's actually my leads. Favorite were those of the soft stale crabs who killed rip their heads off when you pulled them out of your skin, the wort scary rabies um I had uh? Are we still He's still alive? Hubert. He's an Italian Spinoni dog who I just I love so much. Man. He just reminds me of a grand maybe because my grandpa's are dead and he looks like a grandpa. I'm a little annoyed that you picked a dog that's not yours, but you didn't pick Luigi or Marian. But also I didn't pick them, so I'll let it slide. Well, this isn't about you. I know it's not, but I just want to know. Is he better than Marion and Luigi? And it's okay if he is better than one of them far and then the other one. Oh, I know, we have a favorite. I do have a favorite. Mary, and I like more than Luigi. I mean, you can't not but Luigi. But Luigi. We see ourselves in Luigi too much. He's scared, he doesn't trust. That's at least like the things I hate about Luigi are the things that I hate about myself. Yeah, I love that Mary, and just a t that's what I love. Um, he's the Luisi k of dogs. Okay, So, but you like Hubert because he just has like a grandpa energy. What do you mean by that? He's just kind and loving and wants to bury his head, bury his head. He lays down with me in bed. He so snuggly. He makes when you come into when he hasn't seen you in a while, you come into the house, he'll go grab any toy and bring it to you. He just has to find something. I gotta find something for you. So you like me, Yeah, he's like ergy yeah, and then um, and he'll do this when you rub his ears, he'll just like, he'll make this like just noise. Didn't. Let you know. The one thing he doesn't do, which I really respect, he doesn't lick. He'll never like you can't. Yeah, whenever Marian looks, I grab her tongue gently and just hold onto it and I go, you're gonna learn. And then she's like, and I don't do it in a mean way. I just like to, like just to grab it feels it feels like my honestly, my vagina a little bit like it's little dog's tongue. But yeah, so I love that dog. My little brother dogs just shout out to Tucker who passed away yesterday. Oh my god. Yeah, their oldest um dog, the King's Kings Spaniard. Wait, what is it? What's call him? A great way to honor him? Okay, so no, all right, what is your favorite animal? Is it Buzzy yet? Are you gotta go? Favorite pet? Buzzy is working his way up, but it's going to be Bruno. Yeah, and um, you know, just so we my dad still laughing about Andrew stopped terrible memorial to the great Spaniard or whatever the fuck is. The dog was cocker spaniel. Cocker spaniel, yeah, okay, Springer spaniel. I'm jealous that you can do that with a white sweatshirt. I would get bronze are all over myself. Really enjoyed that you can cover your face and keep it covered. Okay, anyway, okay, Bruno. Um was my beagle who passed away last year at fifteen. Uh. And when my dad and my sister originally got him, I was like, you can't get a dog because it was only like two months after our family golden retriever got hit by a car and died and it was very traumatic. I was like, I don't want this dog. I had nothing to do with him. Fast forward four years later, I ended up taking the dog because my parents were just not like taking care of him like they should take care of yes, exactly. And then, um, Bruno has just been an awesome companion to go through all of life's destructive moments, like through my parents divorce, through it like um, financial insecurity, through one of my worst breakups. Bruno was always there for me as um, just like an unconditional, loving companion. Isn't that the best part about them? It's like I was actually picturing Bruno like mitigating or like like kind of like mediating your parents divorce and then like helping you with your taxes and getting your forms read. I mean like I can help you with these things. And like I was actually like, oh my god, he's what of talented little dog? Just outside everywhere there's a pop print. Um, that's so um, that's the King Charles a little a little too late. And final thought, I mean, that's why animals and pets are the greatest is because they don't care what you look like. They don't care, they don't care about any like they will. They don't care that you age, They don't care if you're pussy smells. They actually prefer it. They could find you in a room full of a million people. Yeah, it's just so sweet when an animal consense that you need extra like love and like need, like they just pick up on there were they're operating on a level that we aren't even in tune with those kinds of senses of like because they have to. They're so about like being they're so close to being the you know, they're domesticated most of for thousands of years, but um, they're closer to being in the wild than we are. So like they have instincts, you know, they can tell if the thunderstorm is coming. Like they just like consense. And that's why it's so important to realize that, like how you are is what your dog. Your dog is reading you and they're looking to you to be a leader. And if they're not obeying you, like they don't respect you, and they're reading that, they're reading that you don't deserve respect and like you don't Like that's kind of the thing, Like they're almost like autistic in a way of like this is how I feel about you and they do have a little bit of like you know, Luigi does stuff sometimes that I go, wow, he like plant. He's he's acting away against he's pretending to be something else. Like he'll do this thing where he knows there's a dog a quarter like a half a block away that he wants to like hang out for, but he knows that I want to keep walking, and he'll stop to smell something and I'll let him smell it. But then I know he's done smelling it, but he'll just keep his nose there, pretending like he's because he knows that I will let him finish a smell, because I learned that you always let a dog finish their smell, because it's like pulling them away from a movie that they're really invested in and you want them to get the ending to it. Sometimes I'm like, it smells like a fucking dandelion, let's go, I like spoil it for him. They're like swatter roller, And but sometimes I like he will just I'll just send him just like pretending to smell, and I'll go, I know what you're doing. You're waiting for this dog, like you're lying to me right now. The other night, I was about to give them them a bath and they I didn't even say it, but I started running the water and like waiting for it to get warm, and Luigi just starts shaking furiously, and it's he's not cold, he's not I've never hurt him in the bath. If anything, I do bath because he gets so spunky and free after. He loves that. When I dry him off, it gets him in the best mood. And he smelled. But the shaking was all to make me go, I don't want to do this to you, Like it's premeditated to get a response out of me, and it's not based on how he's actually feeling. Maybe like it's like when you try to brush my teeth, I'm just like, yeah, you start just shivering and I go, it's not cold in here. Um. Yeah. I think that animals are just so. I think I think we would did the dialogue about the hermit crab and the snake if we could learn anything, like like just because they're ugly creatures, like, don't judge an animal by their ugliness, or they're willing to do whatever you want them to do, and uh, and they're not lesser than these other animals are you are you gonna stop eating No, No, I'm gonna keep eating snake. You're starting to sound like a vegan, but is very vegan I know, but as a pet is what I'm saying. And then look, look, thanks for listening to the show. To the listen, Um, yeah, we won't get into vegan stuff. But that that was a thing that like when I make the joke of like when I got dogs, that's when I was like, oh my god, every animal is a dog. It's like has the has that in it. And I hadn't felt that way with my you know, my family's dogs. I never felt really connected to. But um, when Maryan got ripped apart by that German shepherd, and was like I thought she was going to die, like the way my parents described it, the way they said that, like that, I mean before it was this was before we saw the wound, but the wound itself, I was like, she's not going to make it, even after she's got stitched up, and like to leave the hospital like she this is gonna get infected, something's gonna happen. It's not gonna heal. You literally can't even find the scar anymore. I don't even understand what how she healed. But I remember I got the call from my mom that Marian was probably not going to make it, and I was like, I'm just gonna go like pray for her. And I walked in my room and Luigi is just like in my in his little bed, curled up, and I was just like, Luigi, we're gonna like Marian's really not doing well right now. And I just like and usually he doesn't want to cuddle. He's a little bit like me, Like he's just like kind of tense when you try to cuddle him. But he just like leaned into it and like felt that I needed it, and like we sent our energy. Like I knew he knew something was wrong with Marian. I mean I don't think he knew, but like there was something he knew. He knew something was wrong and that we needed to like spend that time and be be thoughtful about her and like send energy out there. And it was just like and I didn't say, like, please God, let Marian live. I just said, like, let let Marian's fate be exactly what needs to happen, whether she dies or she lives, Like whatever's gonna have the best results. Let that happen. And apparently it's that she lived that's gonna yield better results than if she died. I can see your mom going. And just kidding, j D died again. It's not Marian, thank god, thank god he died twice. Oh good. Um, guys, thank you so much for listening to the podcast. We are going to be back tomorrow Tuesday, with a fresh episode that will be correct. And make sure to look if you're listening, look for this one on YouTube on Wednesday hopefully. And if you're watching on YouTube, make sure you comment and like and subscribe, but also you know, don't don't actually comment whenever you want. I'm not going to read it, but I do appreciate the subscribe, and I hope you um and just send it to your friends if you liked it or yeah, UM, do all of that. I appreciate all the support. I really love you guys, and we'll see you on the road and we'll don't be k and change camp.

The Nikki Glaser Podcast

Every Monday through Thursday, comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced 
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