Well, as we've just heard, finding love is it the top of most people's list of life goals. And while a happy relationship can bring joy, the work that goes into achieving it is often misunderstood.

Well, as we've just heard, finding love is it the top of most people's list of life goals. And while a happy relationship can bring joy, the work that goes into achieving it is often misunderstood.

Well, that's why New York Times bestseller Gillian Tareki comes in with over twenty years experience and millions of followers. She's sharing her nine hard truths for loving ourselves and being loved by others. Well, that sounds just lovely. Gillian Tareki joins us live from Miami. Welcome to the show, Chilli.

Well, that's why New York Times bestseller Gillian Tareki comes in with over twenty years experience and millions of followers. She's sharing her nine hard truths for loving ourselves and being loved by others. Well, that sounds just lovely. Gillian Tareki joins us live from Miami. Welcome to the show, Chilli.

Oh, thank you so much for having me.

Oh, thank you so much for having me.

The dating world at the moment, we are constantly seeing people struggling. So what do you notice is the most common mistake that people are making in the search for love? Oh?

The dating world at the moment, we are constantly seeing people struggling. So what do you notice is the most common mistake that people are making in the search for love? Oh?

Wow, Well, I think there's a couple of things. One is they think they're going to meet and find the perfect person, when really what we have to be doing is looking at our own patterns and seeing how we can be facilitators in co creating a great relationship.

Wow, Well, I think there's a couple of things. One is they think they're going to meet and find the perfect person, when really what we have to be doing is looking at our own patterns and seeing how we can be facilitators in co creating a great relationship.

I would say that.

I would say that.

And then also not really knowing what it is that you want and what's important to look for in a partner.

And then also not really knowing what it is that you want and what's important to look for in a partner.

Okay, your nine hard truths in your book Steps to two Ensure we love ourselves? First, talk us through that concept.

Okay, your nine hard truths in your book Steps to two Ensure we love ourselves? First, talk us through that concept.

Well, the concept it's not that we have to completely love ourselves in order to be in a relationship or in order to be loved. And however, it's also true that how we feel about ourselves is often reflected in the people we allow in our lives.

Well, the concept it's not that we have to completely love ourselves in order to be in a relationship or in order to be loved. And however, it's also true that how we feel about ourselves is often reflected in the people we allow in our lives.

So it's really about self acceptance.

So it's really about self acceptance.

It's learning how to hold ourselves in high.

It's learning how to hold ourselves in high.

Regard in spite of the fact that we have.

Regard in spite of the fact that we have.

Some ambivalence towards ourselves, and so self worth self esteem is very relevant when it comes to building healthy relationships because we need it in order to actually engage in important COMversations that advocate for ourselves in a relationship.

Some ambivalence towards ourselves, and so self worth self esteem is very relevant when it comes to building healthy relationships because we need it in order to actually engage in important COMversations that advocate for ourselves in a relationship.

Okay, how do you know whether what you have is the real deal or if you're just in a what the youngs call a situationship.

Okay, how do you know whether what you have is the real deal or if you're just in a what the youngs call a situationship.

Yes.

Yes.

Well, one of the truths that I talk about in the book is that lust is not the same thing as love. Now, LUs is a fun and wonderful thing, and it's a stage that we all go through in the beginning when we're sort of in that honeymoon phase.

Well, one of the truths that I talk about in the book is that lust is not the same thing as love. Now, LUs is a fun and wonderful thing, and it's a stage that we all go through in the beginning when we're sort of in that honeymoon phase.

But to love someone is a verb and it's a choice and it's not just a feeling.

But to love someone is a verb and it's a choice and it's not just a feeling.

So you know you're in a situationship if you have no idea where you stand in a person's life, and you are too afraid to ask.

So you know you're in a situationship if you have no idea where you stand in a person's life, and you are too afraid to ask.

Okay, what's the hardest truth for people to get the hit around? Would you say?

Okay, what's the hardest truth for people to get the hit around? Would you say?

I say? I would say it's.

I say? I would say it's.

Well the first one, which is the title of the book, which it begins with you, is not about blaming yourself.

Well the first one, which is the title of the book, which it begins with you, is not about blaming yourself.

It's not about.

It's not about.

Saying, well, I guess I'm the problem, but it is saying. It is saying that the common denominator in all our relationships is us, So that if we want something to change in our love lives and our lives in general, we have to observe and examine how we might be standing in our own way, and what healing needs to happen, and what skills need to be learned in order to make our relationships great and meaningful and beautiful.

Saying, well, I guess I'm the problem, but it is saying. It is saying that the common denominator in all our relationships is us, So that if we want something to change in our love lives and our lives in general, we have to observe and examine how we might be standing in our own way, and what healing needs to happen, and what skills need to be learned in order to make our relationships great and meaningful and beautiful.

And what about those trying to mend a broken heart like they've had their hearts broken, how did they work towards healing well?

And what about those trying to mend a broken heart like they've had their hearts broken, how did they work towards healing well?

First thing to know is that getting over a broken heart and over a broken relationship, a relationship that didn't work, is one can be one of the most emotionally catastrophic things that we ever experience. So if you're having a very hard time, it's important to realize that this is a true but sometimes a breakup. Not all breakups are created equal, but sometimes it's a traumatic experience. So if you're in that acute stage where you are having a hard time getting out of bed, where you're having a hard time eating, you must lean on people who love you and who can remind you of who you are, because when we go through a breakup, sometimes we have a crisis of identity.

First thing to know is that getting over a broken heart and over a broken relationship, a relationship that didn't work, is one can be one of the most emotionally catastrophic things that we ever experience. So if you're having a very hard time, it's important to realize that this is a true but sometimes a breakup. Not all breakups are created equal, but sometimes it's a traumatic experience. So if you're in that acute stage where you are having a hard time getting out of bed, where you're having a hard time eating, you must lean on people who love you and who can remind you of who you are, because when we go through a breakup, sometimes we have a crisis of identity.

We don't know who we are anymore, and so you need.

We don't know who we are anymore, and so you need.

To spend time with people who reflect.

To spend time with people who reflect.

Back to you and remind you of who you really are.

Back to you and remind you of who you really are.

Okay, so for those in a good relationship, what's the crucial thing to ensure a lasting and healthy one? We wanted to digest the ideas.

Okay, so for those in a good relationship, what's the crucial thing to ensure a lasting and healthy one? We wanted to digest the ideas.

Well.

Well.

You have to always be examining your own behavior. What kind of energy are you bringing to the relationship. You want to make sure that there's always the mindset of when there's a problem, that it's you and your partner against the problem, not you and your partner against each other.

You have to always be examining your own behavior. What kind of energy are you bringing to the relationship. You want to make sure that there's always the mindset of when there's a problem, that it's you and your partner against the problem, not you and your partner against each other.

And that's critical.

And that's critical.

Well, That's critical because how we fight with each other and how we repair with each other is a huge indicator of the success of a relationship or lack of success.

Well, That's critical because how we fight with each other and how we repair with each other is a huge indicator of the success of a relationship or lack of success.

All right, grudge stuff, Jillian, lovely to chat to you today.

All right, grudge stuff, Jillian, lovely to chat to you today.

Thanks for joining us, Thank you for so much for having me.

Thanks for joining us, Thank you for so much for having me.

Jillian's book, It Begins with You, is available right now

Jillian's book, It Begins with You, is available right now