You're listening to Comedy Central.

You're listening to Comedy Central.

I'm gonna be honest, people, last night was not the most interesting convention night. Actually, I'm gonna be super honest. It was extremely boring. And that's only because the other Knights have been so rock and roll. I mean, on Night one, Kimberly Guilfoyle attempted to summon the Kraken. On night two, Donald Trump had a ceremony with immigrants that wasn't a marriage. But last night, the most exciting thing to happen was a speech by Mike Pence, a man so boring that during his midlife crisis he bought a minivan. Hey ladies, you want to come on in, I'm going to costco. And part of what made Pence's speech interesting was how he's able to hide so much bullshit underneath the veneer of a respectable small town pasta. In fact, he actually made me appreciate Trump, because Trump says bullshit in a bullshit way, always easy to spot.

I'm gonna be honest, people, last night was not the most interesting convention night. Actually, I'm gonna be super honest. It was extremely boring. And that's only because the other Knights have been so rock and roll. I mean, on Night one, Kimberly Guilfoyle attempted to summon the Kraken. On night two, Donald Trump had a ceremony with immigrants that wasn't a marriage. But last night, the most exciting thing to happen was a speech by Mike Pence, a man so boring that during his midlife crisis he bought a minivan. Hey ladies, you want to come on in, I'm going to costco. And part of what made Pence's speech interesting was how he's able to hide so much bullshit underneath the veneer of a respectable small town pasta. In fact, he actually made me appreciate Trump, because Trump says bullshit in a bullshit way, always easy to spot.

Like this, you mentioned the Bible. You've been talking about how it's your favorite book, and you said, I think last night in Iowa, some people are surprised that you say that. I'm wondering what one or two of your most favorite Bible verses are.

Like this, you mentioned the Bible. You've been talking about how it's your favorite book, and you said, I think last night in Iowa, some people are surprised that you say that. I'm wondering what one or two of your most favorite Bible verses are.

I wouldn't want to get into it because to me, that's very personal.

I wouldn't want to get into it because to me, that's very personal.

You know, when I talk about the Bible, it's very personal.

You know, when I talk about the Bible, it's very personal.

So I don't want to get into I don't want to get into.

So I don't want to get into I don't want to get into.

It means a lot to you that you think about or site.

It means a lot to you that you think about or site.

The Bible means a lot to me.

The Bible means a lot to me.

But I don't want to get into specifics.

But I don't want to get into specifics.

Even to site a verse thing.

Even to site a verse thing.

I don't want to do that. Every old Testament guy or Testament probably equal see obvious bullshit. We all know that man has never read the Bible. Now, granted he's never read any book, but he specifically never read the Bible, which is your favorite. But with Mike Pence, if you're not paying attention, he comes across as a reasonable guy. You know. It's the same way I didn't trust anything that the Tiger King said, But when Doc Antl spoke, he almost maybe believed that he wasn't running a wild animal sex cult. Like everyone was just doing their thing. And last night was Mike Pence at his finest, cool, calm and full of bs. Starting with the way he talked about the civil unrest happening in America, cities.

I don't want to do that. Every old Testament guy or Testament probably equal see obvious bullshit. We all know that man has never read the Bible. Now, granted he's never read any book, but he specifically never read the Bible, which is your favorite. But with Mike Pence, if you're not paying attention, he comes across as a reasonable guy. You know. It's the same way I didn't trust anything that the Tiger King said, But when Doc Antl spoke, he almost maybe believed that he wasn't running a wild animal sex cult. Like everyone was just doing their thing. And last night was Mike Pence at his finest, cool, calm and full of bs. Starting with the way he talked about the civil unrest happening in America, cities.

Last week, Joe Biden didn't say one word about the violence and chaos engulfing cities across this country. President Trump and I know that the men and women that put on the uniform of law enforcement are the best of us. Every day when they walk out that door, they consider our lives more important than their own. People like Dave Patrick Underwood, an officer in the Department of Homeland Securities Federal Protective Service who was shot and killed during the riots in Oakland, California. Dave's heroism is emblematic now the heroes that serve in blue every day.

Last week, Joe Biden didn't say one word about the violence and chaos engulfing cities across this country. President Trump and I know that the men and women that put on the uniform of law enforcement are the best of us. Every day when they walk out that door, they consider our lives more important than their own. People like Dave Patrick Underwood, an officer in the Department of Homeland Securities Federal Protective Service who was shot and killed during the riots in Oakland, California. Dave's heroism is emblematic now the heroes that serve in blue every day.

First off, Pence says that an officer was killed during the riots in Oakland, which gives you the impression that the officer was killed by riots.

First off, Pence says that an officer was killed during the riots in Oakland, which gives you the impression that the officer was killed by riots.

Right.

Right.

The truth is the person charged with killing Officer Underwood is a right wing terrorist. You know. It's sort of like saying that Bruce Lee died during the Vietnam War. Yeah, technically that's correct because he died in nineteen seventy three, but it's not while he was fighting the Vietkong You got to tell the truth people, Bruce Lee was killed by the illuminati. When Pence says that Joe Biden didn't say one word about the violence during the convention. He's giving you the impression that Biden supports the riots, when in fact, Biden condemned them a few months ago when they started, and he continued condemning them again yesterday when they kicked off in Kenosha. And that's what makes Mike pen so slick. He doesn't lie. He doesn't lie, He just implies. But that's fine. I guess you know, there's no comment that says thou shalt not suggest false witness against thy neighbor. So, according to Mike Pence, America under President Trump is falling into anarchy. But you'll never guess whose fault it actually is.

The truth is the person charged with killing Officer Underwood is a right wing terrorist. You know. It's sort of like saying that Bruce Lee died during the Vietnam War. Yeah, technically that's correct because he died in nineteen seventy three, but it's not while he was fighting the Vietkong You got to tell the truth people, Bruce Lee was killed by the illuminati. When Pence says that Joe Biden didn't say one word about the violence during the convention. He's giving you the impression that Biden supports the riots, when in fact, Biden condemned them a few months ago when they started, and he continued condemning them again yesterday when they kicked off in Kenosha. And that's what makes Mike pen so slick. He doesn't lie. He doesn't lie, He just implies. But that's fine. I guess you know, there's no comment that says thou shalt not suggest false witness against thy neighbor. So, according to Mike Pence, America under President Trump is falling into anarchy. But you'll never guess whose fault it actually is.

Joe Biden says that America is systemically racist and that law enforcement in America has and I quote an implicit bias against minorities. Joe Biden would double down on the very policies that are leading to violence in America's cities.

Joe Biden says that America is systemically racist and that law enforcement in America has and I quote an implicit bias against minorities. Joe Biden would double down on the very policies that are leading to violence in America's cities.

The hard truth is.

The hard truth is.

You won't be safe in Joe Biden's America.

You won't be safe in Joe Biden's America.

That's right. You see all the bad stuff that's happening in Trump's America, Well that's actually Joe Biden's America. So wait when is it Trump's America when things are going well? And as for the idea that you won't be safe when Joe Biden as president, people, I'm not safe.

That's right. You see all the bad stuff that's happening in Trump's America, Well that's actually Joe Biden's America. So wait when is it Trump's America when things are going well? And as for the idea that you won't be safe when Joe Biden as president, people, I'm not safe.

Now.

Now.

Forget the riots. Coronavirus is waiting to punch me in the lungs as soon as I leave the house. You won't be safe in the future, bitch, I can't even go to it. Danny's right now. So Mike Pen's talking about riots and protests wasn't exactly on the up and up, but it was nothing compared to his bullshit about Trump's handling of the coronavirus pandemic, which, to hear him tell it, was more perfect than Trump's call with Ukraine.

Forget the riots. Coronavirus is waiting to punch me in the lungs as soon as I leave the house. You won't be safe in the future, bitch, I can't even go to it. Danny's right now. So Mike Pen's talking about riots and protests wasn't exactly on the up and up, but it was nothing compared to his bullshit about Trump's handling of the coronavirus pandemic, which, to hear him tell it, was more perfect than Trump's call with Ukraine.

Before the first case of the coronavirus spread within the United States, the President took unprecedented action and suspended all travel from China, the second largest economy in the world. Now that action saved untold American lives, and I can tell you first hand it bought us invaluable time to launch the greatest national mobilization since World War Two. President Trump marshall the full resources of our federal government from the outset. He directed us to forge a seamless partnership with governors across America in both political parties. Today, we're conducting more than eight hundred thousand tests a day, and we have coordinated the delivery of billions of pieces of personal protective equipment for our amazing doctors, nurses, and healthcare workers.

Before the first case of the coronavirus spread within the United States, the President took unprecedented action and suspended all travel from China, the second largest economy in the world. Now that action saved untold American lives, and I can tell you first hand it bought us invaluable time to launch the greatest national mobilization since World War Two. President Trump marshall the full resources of our federal government from the outset. He directed us to forge a seamless partnership with governors across America in both political parties. Today, we're conducting more than eight hundred thousand tests a day, and we have coordinated the delivery of billions of pieces of personal protective equipment for our amazing doctors, nurses, and healthcare workers.

Okay, I'm not gonna lie. I'm actually kind of impressed by how much cow excrements Pence managed to pack in here, because yes, America is doing eight hundred thousand tests a day now. What Pence doesn't mention is the many months where America did basically no testing, and that Trump himself wants there to be less testing. Pence brags about coordinating the delivery of PPE. What he doesn't mention is that America was so disorganized on PPE that nurses were wrapping themselves up in garbage bags, running around looking like some kind of broke ass. Missy Elliots. I mean, it's great that you bought invaluable time to launch a national mobilization, but what would have been even better was if you actually used that invaluable time to actually do the national mobilization. Oh and as for the seamless partnership with America's governors, I assume Pence is referring to when Trump told Democratic governors that they would only get help if they were nice to him. I mean, I guess that's a seamless partnership. The same way when a guy walks into the bank and tells someone to put the money in the bag, they put the money in the bag. Hashtag teamwork. Now. To be fair, Mike Pence did admit that America hasn't completely solved coronavirus, but then he got mad that Joe Biden said finishing the job would take actual work.

Okay, I'm not gonna lie. I'm actually kind of impressed by how much cow excrements Pence managed to pack in here, because yes, America is doing eight hundred thousand tests a day now. What Pence doesn't mention is the many months where America did basically no testing, and that Trump himself wants there to be less testing. Pence brags about coordinating the delivery of PPE. What he doesn't mention is that America was so disorganized on PPE that nurses were wrapping themselves up in garbage bags, running around looking like some kind of broke ass. Missy Elliots. I mean, it's great that you bought invaluable time to launch a national mobilization, but what would have been even better was if you actually used that invaluable time to actually do the national mobilization. Oh and as for the seamless partnership with America's governors, I assume Pence is referring to when Trump told Democratic governors that they would only get help if they were nice to him. I mean, I guess that's a seamless partnership. The same way when a guy walks into the bank and tells someone to put the money in the bag, they put the money in the bag. Hashtag teamwork. Now. To be fair, Mike Pence did admit that America hasn't completely solved coronavirus, but then he got mad that Joe Biden said finishing the job would take actual work.

Now, last week, Joe Biden said that no miracle is coming. Well, what Joe doesn't seem to understand is that America is a nation of miracles, and I'm proud to report that we're on track to have the world's first safe, effective coronavirus vaccine by the end of this year.

Now, last week, Joe Biden said that no miracle is coming. Well, what Joe doesn't seem to understand is that America is a nation of miracles, and I'm proud to report that we're on track to have the world's first safe, effective coronavirus vaccine by the end of this year.

Wow, what a miracle. We might be getting the vaccine at some point and only two hundred thousand people had to die first. Take that, Joe Biden, like, I don't think it still qualifies as a miracle. If it happens long after we needed the miracle. God Pots in the Red Sea wouldn't have been quite as miraculous if it happened eight months after the Egyptians stabbed all the Israelites to death. So that was Mike Pence's speech, and I guess we finally found out why pants always has that permanent squint. Yeah, his own face is going, oh, we're really saying this bullshit. Let's kick things off with last night's vice presidential debates, the first and only debates between the two people who will take over if the president falls in the shower, And it was a weird situation from the start because there was a real chance that Pence could have COVID nineteen even though he's tested negative, and that fear wasn't helped when Pence's eye threw a gender revealed party pink, it's a girl, blood pink, it's a girl. Now. It would be unfair to say that no part of last night was worth watching, because for a couple of minutes, specifically two minutes and nine seconds, the debate got amazing.

Wow, what a miracle. We might be getting the vaccine at some point and only two hundred thousand people had to die first. Take that, Joe Biden, like, I don't think it still qualifies as a miracle. If it happens long after we needed the miracle. God Pots in the Red Sea wouldn't have been quite as miraculous if it happened eight months after the Egyptians stabbed all the Israelites to death. So that was Mike Pence's speech, and I guess we finally found out why pants always has that permanent squint. Yeah, his own face is going, oh, we're really saying this bullshit. Let's kick things off with last night's vice presidential debates, the first and only debates between the two people who will take over if the president falls in the shower, And it was a weird situation from the start because there was a real chance that Pence could have COVID nineteen even though he's tested negative, and that fear wasn't helped when Pence's eye threw a gender revealed party pink, it's a girl, blood pink, it's a girl. Now. It would be unfair to say that no part of last night was worth watching, because for a couple of minutes, specifically two minutes and nine seconds, the debate got amazing.

A fly stole the spotlight and landed on Vice President Mike Pence's head and stayed there for about two minutes.

A fly stole the spotlight and landed on Vice President Mike Pence's head and stayed there for about two minutes.

Everyone but Pence seemed.

Everyone but Pence seemed.

To notice the fly that landed on mister Pence's head and sat there for two minutes and nine seconds.

To notice the fly that landed on mister Pence's head and sat there for two minutes and nine seconds.

I thought that the most effective.

I thought that the most effective.

Being on that stage to go after Vice President Pence was that fly that landed on his head.

Being on that stage to go after Vice President Pence was that fly that landed on his head.

Who would have predicted a fly would steal the show? Okay? Can I just say that I was not surprised at all to see that fly land on Mike Pence. First of all, even a fly knows better than to touch a black woman's hair. And second, have you seen my pants? The guy has bloody eyes in the world's palss skin. That fly probably thought he was a dead body. Flowers like, yo, this is where I be, And I was like, wow, the shit moved and look, flies land on people all the time. There's nothing crazy about that. What was crazy is how long it sat there for. Even Trump was watching at home, like, wow, two minutes with Mike Pence. I could never do that. We gotta get that fly into the weare out such a powerful draw fly. Let's kick things off with an update on the January sixth insurrection at the Capitol, the day white supremacist entered the Capitol without having to get elected. Yesterday, Congress held its first hearings on what went wrong with security that day, and the testimony from the people in charge was not encouraging. But yesterday's hearing was just the beginning of a long process. I mean President Trump insidesed a mob that stormed the capital chanting, hang Mike Pence. That's something that was super upsetting to everyone, well almost everyone.

Who would have predicted a fly would steal the show? Okay? Can I just say that I was not surprised at all to see that fly land on Mike Pence. First of all, even a fly knows better than to touch a black woman's hair. And second, have you seen my pants? The guy has bloody eyes in the world's palss skin. That fly probably thought he was a dead body. Flowers like, yo, this is where I be, And I was like, wow, the shit moved and look, flies land on people all the time. There's nothing crazy about that. What was crazy is how long it sat there for. Even Trump was watching at home, like, wow, two minutes with Mike Pence. I could never do that. We gotta get that fly into the weare out such a powerful draw fly. Let's kick things off with an update on the January sixth insurrection at the Capitol, the day white supremacist entered the Capitol without having to get elected. Yesterday, Congress held its first hearings on what went wrong with security that day, and the testimony from the people in charge was not encouraging. But yesterday's hearing was just the beginning of a long process. I mean President Trump insidesed a mob that stormed the capital chanting, hang Mike Pence. That's something that was super upsetting to everyone, well almost everyone.

Former Vice president Mike Pence is standing by his former boss. That's right. Pence told a group of conservative lawmakers yesterday he maintains a close personal friendship with the former president.

Former Vice president Mike Pence is standing by his former boss. That's right. Pence told a group of conservative lawmakers yesterday he maintains a close personal friendship with the former president.

This is significant because of what happened on January sixth and pro Trump demonstrators coming into the Capitol looking for Mike Pence and Donald Trump tweeting a boy attacking Mike Pence even during the Capitol riot. But he did not express I'm told any ill will towards the former president. Banks told me, I got the sense they speak often and maintain the same personal friendship and relationship now that they have for four years.

This is significant because of what happened on January sixth and pro Trump demonstrators coming into the Capitol looking for Mike Pence and Donald Trump tweeting a boy attacking Mike Pence even during the Capitol riot. But he did not express I'm told any ill will towards the former president. Banks told me, I got the sense they speak often and maintain the same personal friendship and relationship now that they have for four years.

Whoa staying loyal aften he sends a mob to kill you, man, That shows how committed Mike Pence is to his principles. He won't even abort a friendship. And I don't know where the line is between forgiving and being a doormat, but Mike Pence crossed it a long time ago. I mean, yeah, the Bible says to turn the other cheek, but at the same time, one of the ten commandments is thou shalt not be a bitch ass. I guess at this point there's nothing that Trump can do to Mike Pence that would make Pence turn on him. They basically have the same relationship that we have with our elexa ah Alexa. I hate you. I wish you would die. I'm sorry you feel that way. Is there anything else I could help you with? We kick things off with the ongoing investigation into the January sixth attack on the US Capitol Building, also known as the most successful Facebook meetup of all time. Right now, a congressional committee is trying to determine if President Trump and his allies were involved in the violent attempt to overturn the election, and one of the people they most want to hear from is Steve Bannon, former Trump advisor and the only person who should maybe try Horst Wermer. I mean, it couldn't hurt, but like any innocent person, Trump has told all of his people not to cooperate with law enforcement at all. So Bannon defied a congressional subpoena to testify, and this morning he turned himself in, arriving at an FBI office looking like he'd already served ten years in prison. But if all of this activity has Donald Trump worried, he's not showing it. In fact, when asked whether he had tried to pressure my Pens into overturning the election on January sixth, well, Trump basically admitted it in the most trumpy way possible.

Whoa staying loyal aften he sends a mob to kill you, man, That shows how committed Mike Pence is to his principles. He won't even abort a friendship. And I don't know where the line is between forgiving and being a doormat, but Mike Pence crossed it a long time ago. I mean, yeah, the Bible says to turn the other cheek, but at the same time, one of the ten commandments is thou shalt not be a bitch ass. I guess at this point there's nothing that Trump can do to Mike Pence that would make Pence turn on him. They basically have the same relationship that we have with our elexa ah Alexa. I hate you. I wish you would die. I'm sorry you feel that way. Is there anything else I could help you with? We kick things off with the ongoing investigation into the January sixth attack on the US Capitol Building, also known as the most successful Facebook meetup of all time. Right now, a congressional committee is trying to determine if President Trump and his allies were involved in the violent attempt to overturn the election, and one of the people they most want to hear from is Steve Bannon, former Trump advisor and the only person who should maybe try Horst Wermer. I mean, it couldn't hurt, but like any innocent person, Trump has told all of his people not to cooperate with law enforcement at all. So Bannon defied a congressional subpoena to testify, and this morning he turned himself in, arriving at an FBI office looking like he'd already served ten years in prison. But if all of this activity has Donald Trump worried, he's not showing it. In fact, when asked whether he had tried to pressure my Pens into overturning the election on January sixth, well, Trump basically admitted it in the most trumpy way possible.

It had been reported back in January by The New York Times. Did Trump even pressured Pents on the morning of January sixth with a crude phone call? When I interviewed Trump for betrayal, I asked him about that.

It had been reported back in January by The New York Times. Did Trump even pressured Pents on the morning of January sixth with a crude phone call? When I interviewed Trump for betrayal, I asked him about that.

There was a.

There was a.

Report and excuse my language, not not mine. It was in the report that you talked to him that morning and.

Report and excuse my language, not not mine. It was in the report that you talked to him that morning and.

You said you could be a patriot or you can be it. Did you really say that or or is that an incorrect I wouldn't dispute it, really, I wouldn't dispute it.

You said you could be a patriot or you can be it. Did you really say that or or is that an incorrect I wouldn't dispute it, really, I wouldn't dispute it.

I wouldn't dispute it. Wow, Oh Trump is gangster? Why would I dispute it? The guys are total pussy. Why would I dispute it. You know what I love about Trump is that even if he didn't say that, he's the type of guy who would pretend he said it just because it sounded cool, Like, yeah, that's a good line. I totally said it. I said it, Patriot pussy. I love it. I also love how the reporter says, I excuse my language. I excuse my language. So as if Donald Trump is going to be offended, my man, it's Donald Trump. If anything, he'd be like pussy my favorite topic. Thank you for bringing this up. Let's talk about it. And by the way, can we can we also acknowledge that don't be a pussy is the thing people only go through in life when they don't have any other arguments. You know, it's the lost option when you have nothing real to convince someone with. And yeah, it usually works because no one wants to be a pussy. I mean that's probably how Cliff Jumping started. I'm not a pussy, but sometimes it's good to be a pussy. Oftentimes history is made by pussy's. I mean, Gandhi total pussy. Yeah. Britain was like, are you gonna fight us? Or are you a pussy, and Gandhi said, I am a pussy. You must be the pussy you wish to see in the world. That is what we need more of.

I wouldn't dispute it. Wow, Oh Trump is gangster? Why would I dispute it? The guys are total pussy. Why would I dispute it. You know what I love about Trump is that even if he didn't say that, he's the type of guy who would pretend he said it just because it sounded cool, Like, yeah, that's a good line. I totally said it. I said it, Patriot pussy. I love it. I also love how the reporter says, I excuse my language. I excuse my language. So as if Donald Trump is going to be offended, my man, it's Donald Trump. If anything, he'd be like pussy my favorite topic. Thank you for bringing this up. Let's talk about it. And by the way, can we can we also acknowledge that don't be a pussy is the thing people only go through in life when they don't have any other arguments. You know, it's the lost option when you have nothing real to convince someone with. And yeah, it usually works because no one wants to be a pussy. I mean that's probably how Cliff Jumping started. I'm not a pussy, but sometimes it's good to be a pussy. Oftentimes history is made by pussy's. I mean, Gandhi total pussy. Yeah. Britain was like, are you gonna fight us? Or are you a pussy, and Gandhi said, I am a pussy. You must be the pussy you wish to see in the world. That is what we need more of.

You know what's messed up?

You know what's messed up?

Man?

Man?

I kind of in a way I feel bad for Mike pence Man because he was like living at Christian life and being all righteous, being like the last four or five years famed. He going to hell, like, you know, not messing this to just do everything perfect, and then just in the ninth inn it, oh, I'm going to hell. I didn't do nothing wrong his whole life. He missed all his good jack off years, all the good jack off here. Your jack off years is from fourteen to about forty five forty six. And he didn't do nothing, just a pure man. Then start hanging with Trump.

I kind of in a way I feel bad for Mike pence Man because he was like living at Christian life and being all righteous, being like the last four or five years famed. He going to hell, like, you know, not messing this to just do everything perfect, and then just in the ninth inn it, oh, I'm going to hell. I didn't do nothing wrong his whole life. He missed all his good jack off years, all the good jack off here. Your jack off years is from fourteen to about forty five forty six. And he didn't do nothing, just a pure man. Then start hanging with Trump.

Now go to hell.

Now go to hell.

I'm gonna do a patriot or a pussy just messed up. I feel bad for Mike pence Man. He gonna be all right.

I'm gonna do a patriot or a pussy just messed up. I feel bad for Mike pence Man. He gonna be all right.

The Republican Party right now is more divided than Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. The big debates is between a small handful of conservatives who think it is wrong to try and steal an election, versus the majority of Republicans who say overthrowing democracy is just legitimate political discourse. Well, now Mike Pence has chosen a side.

The Republican Party right now is more divided than Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. The big debates is between a small handful of conservatives who think it is wrong to try and steal an election, versus the majority of Republicans who say overthrowing democracy is just legitimate political discourse. Well, now Mike Pence has chosen a side.

The former vice president Mike Pence rebuked President Trump's insistence that Pence could have rejected the electoral College results on January sixth.

The former vice president Mike Pence rebuked President Trump's insistence that Pence could have rejected the electoral College results on January sixth.

President Trump said, I had the right to overturn the election. President Trump is wrong, and frankly, there is no idea more on American then the notion than any one person could choose the American president.

President Trump said, I had the right to overturn the election. President Trump is wrong, and frankly, there is no idea more on American then the notion than any one person could choose the American president.

Ooh, Mike Pence standing up to Donald Trump. Hey, look at my guy, trying new things for the first time. Next week player is going to be having sex with his eyes open. But still good for Pence and it's going to be fun watching him endorse Trump for reelection in two years. He was right, I should have done it, and next time maybe I will. Today was the third day of the January sixth hearings akavh One's Behind the Riots Now. This session focused predominantly on Mike Pence, former Vice president, and the inspiration behind the white Noise machine, because you see, Trump's entire plan to overturn the election hinged on Mike Pence agreeing to break the law by not certifying the election results. And today we heard what might be the funniest recounting of the conversation that Trump actually had with Mike Pence, where the vice president would not agree to Trump's scheme no matter how hard the Donald tried.

Ooh, Mike Pence standing up to Donald Trump. Hey, look at my guy, trying new things for the first time. Next week player is going to be having sex with his eyes open. But still good for Pence and it's going to be fun watching him endorse Trump for reelection in two years. He was right, I should have done it, and next time maybe I will. Today was the third day of the January sixth hearings akavh One's Behind the Riots Now. This session focused predominantly on Mike Pence, former Vice president, and the inspiration behind the white Noise machine, because you see, Trump's entire plan to overturn the election hinged on Mike Pence agreeing to break the law by not certifying the election results. And today we heard what might be the funniest recounting of the conversation that Trump actually had with Mike Pence, where the vice president would not agree to Trump's scheme no matter how hard the Donald tried.

In the book Peril, journalist Bob Woodward and Robert Costa Wright that the President said, quote, if these people say you have the power, wouldn't you want to The vice president says, quote, I wouldn't want any one person to have that authority. The president responds, but wouldn't it almost be cool.

In the book Peril, journalist Bob Woodward and Robert Costa Wright that the President said, quote, if these people say you have the power, wouldn't you want to The vice president says, quote, I wouldn't want any one person to have that authority. The president responds, but wouldn't it almost be cool.

To have that power?

To have that power?

The Vice president is reported to have said, no, Look, I've read this and I don't see a way to do it. We've exhausted every option. I've done everything I could and then some to find a way around this. It's simply not possible. My interpretation is no, to which the President says, no, no, No, you don't understand, Mike, you can do this. I don't want to be your friend anymore if you don't do this.

The Vice president is reported to have said, no, Look, I've read this and I don't see a way to do it. We've exhausted every option. I've done everything I could and then some to find a way around this. It's simply not possible. My interpretation is no, to which the President says, no, no, No, you don't understand, Mike, you can do this. I don't want to be your friend anymore if you don't do this.

Hugh oh Man, you know this is this is the part of the paradox of Donald Trump, Like this is already the paradox, Like he has the most terrifying schemes in the world, but he executes them in the most hilarious ways. Because Trump, basically he lives his entire life as if he's the bad kid in one of those anti smoking PSAs you know, he's like, come.

Hugh oh Man, you know this is this is the part of the paradox of Donald Trump, Like this is already the paradox, Like he has the most terrifying schemes in the world, but he executes them in the most hilarious ways. Because Trump, basically he lives his entire life as if he's the bad kid in one of those anti smoking PSAs you know, he's like, come.

On, Mike, just try overturning the election. I thought you wanted to be cool. Also, by the way, if there's one person who you can't entice with cool, it's Mike Pence. He's the least cool man in the world. The man wouldn't even watch the Tenny Tubbies because they don't wear pants. And you know what's crazy about the story because Trump said it like this. Because he said it like this, you actually believe that's true, right, Because if the reporting was that Pence said, sir, we cannot do this, and then Trump said, my interpretation of the Constitution offers ample precedent, both legal and historical. People be like, yeah, there's no way that happened. That didn't happen. That's not real. But I don't want to be a friend anymore. You're like, yeah, that's that's my duty, that's my d right there.

On, Mike, just try overturning the election. I thought you wanted to be cool. Also, by the way, if there's one person who you can't entice with cool, it's Mike Pence. He's the least cool man in the world. The man wouldn't even watch the Tenny Tubbies because they don't wear pants. And you know what's crazy about the story because Trump said it like this. Because he said it like this, you actually believe that's true, right, Because if the reporting was that Pence said, sir, we cannot do this, and then Trump said, my interpretation of the Constitution offers ample precedent, both legal and historical. People be like, yeah, there's no way that happened. That didn't happen. That's not real. But I don't want to be a friend anymore. You're like, yeah, that's that's my duty, that's my d right there.

That sounds like, yeah, I also find it crazy that Trump thought they were friends, not coworkers, not acquaintance as friends.

That sounds like, yeah, I also find it crazy that Trump thought they were friends, not coworkers, not acquaintance as friends.

How would that even be possible. What do Pens and Trump have to bond over? Huh? This is hanging out on the weekend, Like, thanks for bringing me to this club, Mike. The music's a little lame, but the ladies are looking good. Ah, mister President, it's church. Oh that's why it burned when I walked through the door. Turn leg at it, turn leg get it. As everyone prepares themselves to what the twenty twenty four race will be like with Trump, there's one pots. There's one pots that'll be different this time, and that is one of Trump's biggest aslickas is going to be leaving his ass very dry.

How would that even be possible. What do Pens and Trump have to bond over? Huh? This is hanging out on the weekend, Like, thanks for bringing me to this club, Mike. The music's a little lame, but the ladies are looking good. Ah, mister President, it's church. Oh that's why it burned when I walked through the door. Turn leg at it, turn leg get it. As everyone prepares themselves to what the twenty twenty four race will be like with Trump, there's one pots. There's one pots that'll be different this time, and that is one of Trump's biggest aslickas is going to be leaving his ass very dry.

Nearly two years after a mob of Donald Trump's supporters attacked the Capitol, disrupting the transfer of power and chanting hang, Mike Pence, Trump's once loyal vice president, is finally telling his story about what happened that day.

Nearly two years after a mob of Donald Trump's supporters attacked the Capitol, disrupting the transfer of power and chanting hang, Mike Pence, Trump's once loyal vice president, is finally telling his story about what happened that day.

The President's words were reckless and his actions were reckless. President's words that day met the rally endangered me and my family and everyone at the Capitol building.

The President's words were reckless and his actions were reckless. President's words that day met the rally endangered me and my family and everyone at the Capitol building.

Given all that you witnessed in the Capitol on that day, this is a pretty straightforward question.

Given all that you witnessed in the Capitol on that day, this is a pretty straightforward question.

Yes or no.

Yes or no.

Do you believe that Donald Trump should ever be president again?

Do you believe that Donald Trump should ever be president again?

David, I think that's up to the American people, but I think we'll have better choices in the future.

David, I think that's up to the American people, but I think we'll have better choices in the future.

Well, yeah, good for Mike Pence telling Donald Trump. You almost got me and my family killed, which is why I'm now prepared to say that it's possible there are better alternatives to you in the next election, although that decision will be up to the American people. You tell him, Mike Pence, Oo, you tell him, Brilla man, It's a simple question, do you support Trump or not? I don't believe Mike Pence is the one leaving us hanging, and I know I know why he's doing this, right, I know he's doing it. He doesn't want to go too hot against Trump because he's still hoping to win over Trump's voters he runs for president, which is so delusional. Trump's people were the ones who wanted to kill him. The only reason they would elected him president so that they know for sure where he lived, why would they vote for you? And even if that strategy works, it still makes him a punk ass bitch. It does.

Well, yeah, good for Mike Pence telling Donald Trump. You almost got me and my family killed, which is why I'm now prepared to say that it's possible there are better alternatives to you in the next election, although that decision will be up to the American people. You tell him, Mike Pence, Oo, you tell him, Brilla man, It's a simple question, do you support Trump or not? I don't believe Mike Pence is the one leaving us hanging, and I know I know why he's doing this, right, I know he's doing it. He doesn't want to go too hot against Trump because he's still hoping to win over Trump's voters he runs for president, which is so delusional. Trump's people were the ones who wanted to kill him. The only reason they would elected him president so that they know for sure where he lived, why would they vote for you? And even if that strategy works, it still makes him a punk ass bitch. It does.

I'm sorry for this.

I'm sorry for this.

Another type of man you want leading the United States? All right? Well do you can't even say the thing out loud? If pencils president, forget China, Canada would be invading. Yeah, it's be like, oh, sorry, sorry, We're gonna take Oregon a Oh it just seems so easy. Sorry, sorry, eh.

Another type of man you want leading the United States? All right? Well do you can't even say the thing out loud? If pencils president, forget China, Canada would be invading. Yeah, it's be like, oh, sorry, sorry, We're gonna take Oregon a Oh it just seems so easy. Sorry, sorry, eh.

But speaking of Mike Pence, guess what they just found at his house? Yes, classified documents, yes, him too, first Trump, then by now Mike Pence. You know, at some point the FBI is just going to have to be like, Okay, I'm gonna close my account to ten and if they are classified documents on this table, I want to open them.

But speaking of Mike Pence, guess what they just found at his house? Yes, classified documents, yes, him too, first Trump, then by now Mike Pence. You know, at some point the FBI is just going to have to be like, Okay, I'm gonna close my account to ten and if they are classified documents on this table, I want to open them.

No one gets in trouble.

No one gets in trouble.

Let's move on to the major news about the arrest of Donald Trump, which.

Let's move on to the major news about the arrest of Donald Trump, which.

Is that.

Is that.

Trump still has not been arrested. But don't worry, because there's still fifty other investigations going on into Trump, and one of them is about to feature a surprise witness.

Trump still has not been arrested. But don't worry, because there's still fifty other investigations going on into Trump, and one of them is about to feature a surprise witness.

In a major ruling of federal judge has ordered former Vice President Mike Pence to testify before grand jury about former President Trump. Pence has been ordered to give testimony in the Special Council investigation of Trump's attempts to overturn the twenty twenty presidential election. The judge rule, private exchanges between Trump and Pence are not off limits. Prosecutors are focused on conference stations the two men had on January sixth, and also with the days leading up to the capital attack.

In a major ruling of federal judge has ordered former Vice President Mike Pence to testify before grand jury about former President Trump. Pence has been ordered to give testimony in the Special Council investigation of Trump's attempts to overturn the twenty twenty presidential election. The judge rule, private exchanges between Trump and Pence are not off limits. Prosecutors are focused on conference stations the two men had on January sixth, and also with the days leading up to the capital attack.

The conversations before January sixth, when Donald Trump and Mike Pence were on the phone one on one and Donald Trump apparently was berating him, calling him names, that sort of thing. In this criminal investigation, he is going to have to share that.

The conversations before January sixth, when Donald Trump and Mike Pence were on the phone one on one and Donald Trump apparently was berating him, calling him names, that sort of thing. In this criminal investigation, he is going to have to share that.

Oh, come on, man, don't make Pens say all the names that Trump called him.

Oh, come on, man, don't make Pens say all the names that Trump called him.

Yo, that could take weeks.

Yo, that could take weeks.

These jury members have families to go home too, Although as a viewer it's something I'd like to see. Actually, President Trump brought me into his office and called me a little mashed potato boy, a jerk off for Jesus, silver haired baby bitch. He called me the white mitt Romney. I already even know what that means. He said, if I didn't overturn the election, he would I mean, how would I put this? Make love to me in the hole where the poopoo comes out. Now, for more on this story, we go live to the courthouse and Roy Wood Jr. Right, what do you think about Pence having to testify against Trump?

These jury members have families to go home too, Although as a viewer it's something I'd like to see. Actually, President Trump brought me into his office and called me a little mashed potato boy, a jerk off for Jesus, silver haired baby bitch. He called me the white mitt Romney. I already even know what that means. He said, if I didn't overturn the election, he would I mean, how would I put this? Make love to me in the hole where the poopoo comes out. Now, for more on this story, we go live to the courthouse and Roy Wood Jr. Right, what do you think about Pence having to testify against Trump?

I think this is about to be the whitest trial of all time. You got Mike Pince, you got Donald Trump. It's about to be whiter than the Gwinnifaltrol case, and that case got snow skin and guinnifaltrel.

I think this is about to be the whitest trial of all time. You got Mike Pince, you got Donald Trump. It's about to be whiter than the Gwinnifaltrol case, and that case got snow skin and guinnifaltrel.

Roy.

Roy.

That's a good point. And it seems like Pence really doesn't want to testify.

That's a good point. And it seems like Pence really doesn't want to testify.

Of course he doesn't. Trump's supporters are gonna try to kill him again, and and some of those supporters are women. So Mike Pence is double scared. According to his beliefs, if you get killed by a woman, you go to super Hell. You're to superho and they don't even get your bathroom breaks and super hell.

Of course he doesn't. Trump's supporters are gonna try to kill him again, and and some of those supporters are women. So Mike Pence is double scared. According to his beliefs, if you get killed by a woman, you go to super Hell. You're to superho and they don't even get your bathroom breaks and super hell.

Yeah, it's a must like an Amazon warehouse.

Yeah, it's a must like an Amazon warehouse.

But but there's a way out for Mike Pence. There's a way out for Donald Trump. But neither one of them are gonna like it. If Pence doesn't want to testify against Trump, then Trump and Pence gotta get married.

But but there's a way out for Mike Pence. There's a way out for Donald Trump. But neither one of them are gonna like it. If Pence doesn't want to testify against Trump, then Trump and Pence gotta get married.

Wait, but you know a Mike Pence what.

Wait, but you know a Mike Pence what.

Wait wait, wait, wait, wait up, what are you talking about married?

Wait wait, wait, wait, wait up, what are you talking about married?

I'm talking about the law.

I'm talking about the law.

John, You don't have to testify against your spouse. And I know what I'm talking about. I watch all the law and Orders, even the bad spinoffs.

John, You don't have to testify against your spouse. And I know what I'm talking about. I watch all the law and Orders, even the bad spinoffs.

Okay, okay, but still, how can they be married? They hate each other.

Okay, okay, but still, how can they be married? They hate each other.

All married people hate each other. It's not like hating your spouse would be a big adjustment for Trump. Hell, Malania be so happy that Trump's getting married to Pens, she'd walk him down the aisle herself. Who presents this band for marriage? Mid Milania call out the Donald. And also, let's just be real about this, John Trump appiss get married. They might just end up hitting it off. Maybe they fall in love, maybe they adopt a child together. The kid grows up to be the whitest kid in history, a kid, a kid so white he can gentrify a building just by touching it. I'm talking about talking about super white. I'm talking about the kids so white that he don't even have to go to Coachella. He just summoned Coachella around him.

All married people hate each other. It's not like hating your spouse would be a big adjustment for Trump. Hell, Malania be so happy that Trump's getting married to Pens, she'd walk him down the aisle herself. Who presents this band for marriage? Mid Milania call out the Donald. And also, let's just be real about this, John Trump appiss get married. They might just end up hitting it off. Maybe they fall in love, maybe they adopt a child together. The kid grows up to be the whitest kid in history, a kid, a kid so white he can gentrify a building just by touching it. I'm talking about talking about super white. I'm talking about the kids so white that he don't even have to go to Coachella. He just summoned Coachella around him.

He just.

He just.

Ruy right, right, he's summing Coachella. How come on, come on, bringing on.

Ruy right, right, he's summing Coachella. How come on, come on, bringing on.

Come on, come on, focus, focus please.

Come on, come on, focus, focus please.

My brother, please sorry, I'm sorry, man, I'm just also white. Holl These white ass cases. Look, I gotta I gotta go, dog. I need to do something black to rebalance myself. I hollered you, hey, can somebody deny me a bank loan? How you doing, sir?

My brother, please sorry, I'm sorry, man, I'm just also white. Holl These white ass cases. Look, I gotta I gotta go, dog. I need to do something black to rebalance myself. I hollered you, hey, can somebody deny me a bank loan? How you doing, sir?

Hey?

Hey?

Well?

Well?

Thank you Roy?

Thank you Roy?

What would you her?

What would you her?

Everybody?

Everybody?

Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcast.

Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcast.

Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on fairmounth plus.

Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on fairmounth plus.

This has been a Comedy Central podcast

This has been a Comedy Central podcast