The Daily Show: Ears EditionIt's been a year, a totally normal year, since Jon Stewart returned to The Daily Show.
Revisit his farewell show, and his return to the airwaves.
You're listening to Comedy Central August sixth, twenty fifteen, Comedy Central's Worldviews headquarters in New York.
This is the Daily Show with John Stewarts.
Oh god, horr, happened to the Tall Show? Happy about the honey?
Welcome to Italic Show. My name is John Stewart.
Thank you very much for coming to him. Alright, got fun, I got I got big news. This is it, this is the final episode. And and and what a night, what a big, big night.
A short time ago, the first Republican presidential debate wrapped up in Cleveland, and I think you'll all agree with me.
It was.
Incredible, so articulate. And because of that, even though it is our last night on the air, I feel a responsibility. But yet we all still remain alive. Last night on the air, I feel somewhat of a responsibility, nay, nay, an obligation to devote the entirety of our last show to our standard post debate full team coverage. And so standing by tonight outside of Cleveland's quick An Arena where the debates were held, We've got Jessica Williams joining us with the Bushcap. We've got Hassan minaj He's with Scott Walker's campaign. That's right, Jordan Clipper Trump. Jordan Clepper will be covering Donald Trump. And I want to ask you guys, what are your impressions of tonight's really interesting debate?
Oh, man, John, I thought Jeb did well.
Uh huh.
Walker also solid, uh huh.
And I can't believe Trump took out his penis.
So late in the debate.
It wasn't surprise. Now, obviously our coverage is a bit limited. We've limited to the top three candidates due to the size of the Republican field relative to the size of our current stable of correspondence. So unfortunately we can't really thank you. Oh this is an enormous ozip. Thank you for spontaneous leap Eiri in Cleveland.
To help us. Yeah, I'll take Casic.
Oh great, thank you. Okay, So that's okay. We've got four people.
Covered now and now, oh my god.
Al Al Madrigal is also thank you. Al. Who do you want to cover?
Oh?
I get it, Al, your Latino cover cruiser?
Rubio?
You discussed me Stewart.
No, not Al.
There's six remaining candidates. Take whoever you want. I'll take Rubio, please, all right. Well, at least we can cover five people, and that would.
Be tribute over the law.
Oh god, John Hodgman, Lewis Black, the contributors pitching in tonight. Thank you so much for lending a hand to our coverage. John Hodgman, why don't you take Ran, Paul and h Lewis Black, Chris Christy, I.
Get it, Louis sure, an angry asshole covert.
Christie, you'll disgust me.
What this is? Amazing? We were almost there. Kristin Shaw, thank you so much. This is this is I gotta tell you something. Though you're really dressed up for a debate. You look lovely.
Well, John, you're still here.
I thought, Trevor, it started by now.
What I said? We'll miss you, all right? You two all right? All right? Eight out of ten candidates. Eight out of ten candidates I coverd Sam, I've missed you so much. Thank you for pitching in them, Oh John, thank you.
There's no one else I would fly to Cleveland in.
August to help cover.
I mean, wait, I'm sorry, who's left?
Uh Ben Carson or Huckabee? Oh my god? You all right? Oh damn it? Nine out of ten? Damn so close it would have been great if lucid.
John, I don't.
Is that. I don't know what to say. Oh my god, I'm sorry.
See John, there's a lot of applause. There's a lot of applause here in Cleveland. That's right, John, Tonight, I heart Huckabee, Steve.
I gotta say this. This is for me. It's it's it's very touching that you would come back after twelve years and do that.
I never left, John. Becoming an international superstar is just something I did while waiting for my next assignment. We've all just been waiting, John, the whole time.
I've been waiting the whole time. I can't.
I we've all been waiting a really long time.
John, Where do you get off? I have two children to raise.
And I have three?
Wait a minute, has everyone have all the correspondence? Just been just been waiting around like it's been sixteen and a half years. That that can't be What about like vance degenerous in Morocco? Are they we're here, John, They couldn't be here, that we're.
Here, John, Oh my god, I can't believe you got We're here. We're here down on Wall Street, John, ready to.
Do our signature dollars and cents coverage.
It's been so long since since that bit was done on the show. I can't believe you guys are here to just now do a financial segment.
Yeah, well apparently there wasn't much financial news to.
Cover this past decade.
All right, Well that's you know, you do the best day the day we will tell everybody tell wow, oh may Dave. I wouldn't miss this for the world. Let me tell you something, John, You've done it. Sixteen years of great TV, next stop podcast podcast. This is this is unbelievable. How far back are we gonna go with these reports? Okay, so we have time for one more question?
All right there, yes you uh the old guy.
Oh hey, Matt Wallah, Stan Bagoto, it's me John Stewart. You're on my show now, not not your show.
What do you mean our show?
Me?
You play the congressman, that's the press secretary. But before that, you were, of course bonds on the Daily Show. So I was expressing happiness that you came back here and we're done here, thank you. I just I just want to say, why was that hey? Ask an answered asshole?
Yeah face, we're done here, all right, excuse me, John, excuse me?
What?
Oh my god, this is amazing.
Yeah, I fat I'd stop back because I got nothing else to night.
They show got bumped, So sorry about that.
Larry Black shows matter, John, that's.
Well, where's Jones anyway?
Jason Jones? Oh you didn't hear. He's in Georgia filming a new show. Larry, why don't you throw it to him? Gonna work it will if you believe. Oh jesus, all right, I didn't know that. Well, let me let me try it. Let me see what I can do here. All right, that's weird. Let's see if I can do it. Let's go to Jason Jones. That one.
Thanks John. Let me just say I am so happy you're gonna have some well deserved time off to watch my brand new television show, The Detour on TBS.
Well, obviously you must be busy, so I'll let you get back.
Thanks for asking, John. It is a hilarious new comedy show coming soon on TBS.
Thanks thanks Jason.
The Detour TBS.
What an oddly crossed promotional move by Uh but hey, John, what the joplan?
What's up?
Do you want to leave the show man?
Right?
You played old off the snowman in Frozen. That's right, I did. I'm a show business god, John among eight year olds. That's Disney money, bitch.
Wow, wow, oh John, John, this.
Is intent so many, so many old faces.
Gordery. I can't even believe you're back here, Rob here, give me no, you just Stopordy. Everybody Wow, I can't.
I'm like, I'm like.
Knocked out yet.
I didn't want to. I didn't want to do this. It's just it's very embarrassing. It's just that everybody here. You guys, you're like family, you know, especially you John. You You're like the brother I never had.
Thank you so much. Robic sip. I'm I think you have a brother. I think.
No, No, I don't.
I don't think you're right about that.
I think you. I think you have a brother, Rob And I think his name is is Nate. And he actually was a correspondent here too. Nate.
N Nate does not ring a bell. It was me, I think you did. I'm Nate.
I'm Nate Cordrey.
I'm your brother.
Come on, card come on, rahme on.
I told you to wait in the car, in the trunk of the car.
Go.
I am sorry, John you should check in with your other correspondence.
All right, I'm all right, I will let me wait. What's that sound, I'll check in with another course, Lord Vader, is that you, Stuart?
I am more machine than man, twisted and evil, responsible for the deaths of billions of sentient beings. But it has come to my attention you have been comparing me to Dick Cheney. That seems a bit harsh.
I just thought there was something sith lordy about you and him, and I just thought that was just be clear.
There is the dark side and then there's whatever he calls his sick thing.
No, I didn't mean it.
The feeling leads to anger. Anger leads to hate, and hate leads to shooting your friend in the face.
Thank you, Lord Vader. Wow, that was that was intense. Si, Lord has a correspondent, you know, speaking of shooting. Let's go overseas to our Middle East correspondent, bostrom usaf Bossom. Are you there, John?
I knew that they would eventually get to you.
Who's shutting you down? The White House?
The Secret Police, thanks Obama.
No, no one's shutting the show down, Boston. I'm leaving because I want to whoa, that's it? Yeah? What oh?
John?
Is me Michael Jay's recording Live the Left. You know, Michael, it's great to see you, but you were a correspondent for like three weeks.
I don't know.
If it weren't in a full cameo, you know, it could have been. Maybe it's nice.
Well maybe some of us just like changing jobs before the as groove in our desk chair is old enough to vote that.
I got to say that hurts a little bit, you know. I tried to do a good thing and let you do uh some some bits for us and then we could go through and get and get some actually actually, hey, Trevor, could you give me like twenty more minutes and then.
Before oh oh, I'm oh, I'm I'm so sorry.
It's cool. It's great to see You're gonna be great. I'm so thank you. But it's gonna just real quick if you know.
Sure.
Yeah, that's good, John, Thank you, buys that day. We'll do it later. You know what. That that reminds me. It's not the first time that they've had to retailer the suits here. You're finally getting canceled.
John.
I hate to say it, but I know you're gonna run this thing into the ground. Well, it's good to see you too, Craig, you know it's oh my god.
Olivia mon Olivia, Okayla Olivia, thank you so much, so nice to see you, are you God?
You didn't have to bring me a cake that's lowly, of.
Course I did.
It's your seventieth birthday.
Not likes. It's it's not my birthday, and I'm not seventy hours. What is it like? Somebody thought?
No, you do not look eighty.
No, it's not eighty. It's neither one of these. It's this is lovely and but it's not what. Oh my god, come on, John, I've come to take you out of here, buddy, Hey man, what's that girl? Wriggle? What are you doing? Put me down? Wriggle, No way, Jose. You're coming with me if you want to live what We're having a nice celebration here. No need to go ramboats you sweet naive frail tiny little yes? Oh did I say frail? You did say frail? Do you have any idea the trail of hate that you've left behind? Roll to twelve.
I'm Paul Brown, CEO of Arby's brought to you tonight by John Stewart.
John Stewart, It's like your TV threw up on your face.
I'll never forget you, John, but I will be trying good and smart ass. Don't go come back, John, I'm being sarcastic.
And just when I'm running for president? What a bummer?
Say you?
Pip squeak?
What happens?
Nine and a half fingers and won't miss you at all?
This guy, John, I just don't know what to say.
I'm sure you'd be missed by somebody.
You know. There are a lot of things happening around the world that keep me up at night, which is why I've relied on you to put me to sleep. Have fun feeding your rabbits. Quitter, I'm John Stewart, I'm dumb. I'm stupid.
Yea yea yeah soon, jack Ass.
That stings. I'm not gonna say that didn't sting a little bit. That was awesome, Bay, look great.
Thank you so much.
It's so great to see you, Ed.
And it's wonderful to see you.
That's right. You did love to sing. I do. I like to sing.
I like to make movies with my friends, and of course I have my real passion which is running the Rocky Mountain Institute for Men.
Who get more distinguished and handsome as they ate.
I've heard of that, and actually, well this is It's kind of nice that you're here because I'm going to be having some free time. Perhaps I could stop by the institute just for a quick visit at the institute. No, all right, I mean yeah, I guess you're right. It just doesn't what the is that? I know that?
Boys, I know that voice that why why where are you?
Where are you?
Why?
Hey? Why it? I can't hear you for the crazy applause? Are you across the street? Maybe? Well, you look like you're right across the street. Are you coming over?
I'm thinking about it.
I got some balls, I.
Got some balls in the air.
All right, you good?
Yeah, I'm good.
You good? Yeah, I'm good. I'd love to see it.
I think about it.
My social media is blown up.
I hear you, Hey, John, but checking one left turn to Guantanamo Bay with our own friend of Longtimey Tainty. It's get mo hey, get mo yay. What a good day?
Yeay?
Oh my god?
Give and jumpst it finally getting out?
Yeah, yeah, giveme, I got some news. I'm leaving, but they didn't really ever close Guantanamo. So it's not like I mean, I'm I'm going, but you not.
Leave.
Oh Chunce Steward, Yeah, I'm yeah. Y. We'll get you out of that. We'll get you out of there. Are you running? Yeah?
Well to see it, I have to say, John, I just have to say, working here meant the world to me. I have such great memories, starting with my very first day.
So let's just dive in. Sure.
I remember for breakfast there were egg sandwiches. Now I chose the egg whites, and that's an interesting choice. Not tell me why, because I hear you're getting the protein. You know you're getting the protein, but also you're leave yourself open for a second sandwich.
Yeah, so that's why.
So that's why I went with the egg whites. Listen, this is our fascinating We're gonna have to pick up the pace just this mor No, no.
No, no, no, no, no no no, John, we can't. When something's important, it's worth taking the time to discuss it in depth. I'm talking fifteen, eighteen, even twenty minutes. Say if necessary, otherwise, what are you really doing?
No? I hear you, I hear but eventually we do have to go to commercial.
So it's not hold on, what the fuck is a commercial?
No, what do you talk about?
You're talking madness?
Boys, that's wow, this is this is a married I have to say, ladies and gentlemen, this is amazing.
That's it. That's that's all. I have. My thanks to everybody over all these years. When you look at the talent that's passed through these doors, Uh, it had been hard to screw this show up. I just want to thank everybody who lent their talents to this program. It meant the.
Exciting, shy and it's been something about I understand.
Calm down, I got.
It, I got it.
It's thank you.
Yes, the moment, Yeah, John, it's really you just a moment, aren't you?
Aren't you forgetting someone?
John?
You can't possibly leave without saying goodbye to your Sam?
Wait?
Who's Sam? I am? John? Here's what am I? Diane?
What is his?
Cheers?
Well?
I understand?
No, John, don't you see you're fro do?
Wait you're Sam? I'm Frodo? How am I frodo? Why are you frodo?
John?
One of us is adult size and does not have hairy toes.
And John Point taking John.
Like Frodo, you were leaving us on a voyage to the undying Lens.
I'm just going to New Jerseys.
There for sixteen years, you and your Basic Cable fellowship of funny clutched that ring of power and trudged up the steep slopes of Mount Doom.
We didn't trudge so much. It's just what's what's the ring in this metaphor?
The ring of power in this metaphor is a metaphor for power, a power, a power to be a player in the world of media and Washington politics.
But I don't really want that. So it's not that.
John, you know who else didn't want that?
Prodo your words, John.
Proto thought, surely Soromon would know they meant to destroy the ring. But I don't have to tell you what Gandalf said about that.
You're You're just gonna tell me though, weren't you?
He said?
And I'm paraphrasing here, even though I could do it verbatim if I wanted.
He said.
He said, My fellow Americans, it has not entered into Souren's darkest dreams that we would seek to destroy rather than we or this hideous power, and in Gandalf's metaphor here power also stood for power.
I just want to say that I am so touched that everybody could be here tonight and me too. John.
Is there a party or anything?
Because I brought a lot of people from CBS and I told them that I know you.
Yes, there is a party and you can go to it. Stephen Colbert, everybody will do right, Actually, John.
John, Actually, now place it down. Actually, John, we're not quite done.
Just a moment. John.
No, you can't stop anyone because they.
Don't work for you anymore.
Huge mistake, John, It'll be quick if you just told still, John, I've been asked and have the privilege to say something to you that is.
Not in the prompter.
Right now, Here's the thing John, you said to me and too many other people here years ago, never to thank you because we owe you nothing.
It is one of the few times I've known you to be dead wrong.
We owe you, and not just what you did for our career by employing us to come on this tremendous show that you made.
We owe you because we learn from you.
We learn from you by example how to do a show with intention, how to we'll work with clarity how to treat people with respect.
You are infuriatingly good at your job.
Okay, who were.
Lucky enough to work with you?
And you can edit this out later.
All of us who were.
Lucky enough to work with you for sixteen years are better at our jobs because we got to watch you do yours, and we are better people for having known you. You are a great artist and a good man, and personally I do not know how this son of a poor Appalachian turd miner.
I do not know.
I do not know what I would do if you hadn't brought me on the show. I'd be back in those hills mining turns with happy John. You know by now I have I'd have dune on me. Okay, So John, and it's almost over. I know you are not asking for this, but on behalf of so many people whose lives you changed over the past sixteen years. Thank you, And now I believe your line and correct me if I'm wrong.
This is We'll be right back.
T back anyway about the debates, I don't have anything for you. We've seen the correspondence, We've met everyone who works here, and now I feel like I should price this so maybe one last time, maybe, if you want to, maybe a little camera three. Bullshit is everywhere. Are the kids still in here? We'll deal with that later. Bullshit is everywhere. There is very little that you will encounter in life that has not been in some ways infused with bullshit, not all of it bad. General, day to day, organic, free range bullshit is often necessary or at the very least innocuous. Oh what a beautiful baby.
I'm sure it'll grow into that.
That kind of bullshit anyways, provides important social contract fertilizer and keeps people from making each other cross all day. But then there's the more pernicious bullshit, your premeditated, institutional bullshit, designed to obscure and distract, designed by whom, the bullshitocracy. It comes in three basic flavors. One making bad things sound like good things. Organic all natural cupcakes because factory made sugar oatmeal balls doesn't sell. Patriot Act because are you scared enough to let me look at all your phone records?
Act doesn't sell.
So whenever something's been titled freedom, Family, Fairness, health America, take a good long sniff. Chances are it's been manufactured in a facility may contain traces of bullshit. Number two, the second way, hiding the bad things under mountains of bullshit complexity. You know, I would love to download Drizzy's latest Meek Milldiss. Everyone promised me that that made sense, but I'm not really interested right now in reading Tolstoy's iTunes agreement, so I'll just click agree, even if it grants Apple prima nade with my spouse. Here's another one, simply put, Simply put, banks shouldn't be able to bet your pension money on red Bullshitly put, it's hey, this DoD frank. Hey, a handful of billionaires can't buy our elections, right, of course not. They can only pour unlimited anonymous cash into a five oh one C four if fifty percent is devoted to issue education. Otherwise they'd have to five oh one C six it or funnel it openly through a non campaign coordinating superpack with a quarter. I think they're asleep. Now we can sneak out and finally, finally, it's the bullshit of infinite possibility. These bullshitters cover their unwillingness to act under the guise of unending inquiry. We can't do anything because we don't yet know everything. We cannot take action on climate change until everyone in the world degrees. Gay marriage vaccines won't cause our children to marry goats who are gonna come for our guns. Until then, I say, teach the controversy. Now, the good news is this bullshitters have gotten pretty lazy and their work is easily detective, and looking forward is kind of a pleasant way to pass the time, like an I spy of bullshit. So I say to you tonight, friends, the best defense against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something, say something, we'll do a All right, everybody, that is our program. Now. There are so many people to thank that I cannot plausibly do it in the amount of time allotted. Comedy Central gave me this opportunity sixteen and a half years ago. The people that worked here gave me the talent and inspiration to develop it over all those years. It's the most incredible place. Honestly, today it still feels like a dream a little bit, and walking around the building today, nobody was making eye contact because I think there's so much love and pride filling the building right now that we just don't want to drown it in Salien so there's a lot of this, so that script is ready, so everybody's making moves with salty goggles on. I just I can't thank the people who work here enough, and I can't thank Comedy Central enough, and I can't thank the audience enough. Your support and enthusiasm over the years has brought to us. Don't don't think that that the energy that you put out is not received on those days where we just feel like we don't have it and we well, I'm very fond of you as well, sir. It seemed awfully gravelly. I want to thank my wife Tracy, and my kids, Nate and Maggie, and I'm not going to look over there for teaching me what joy looks like. And an artist I really admire. One said that he thinks of his career as a long conversation with the audience, a dialogue, and I really like that metaphor for many different reasons, but the main one is because it takes away the idea of finality. This is just it's a conversation. This show is an ending. We're merely taking a small pause in the conversation, a conversation which, by the way, I have hogged and I apologize for that.
You.
I never really I should have at some point during the camera round and seemed like, so do you guys have anything to n or anything. I've really been dominating this in a very selfish way, but I thought that was a remarkable way of getting to that. Nothing ends, It's just a continuation. It's a pause in the conversation. So rather than saying goodbye or good night, I'm just gonna say I'm gonna go get a drink and I'm sure i'll see you guys before I leave. So that's our show. I thank you so much for the privilege of being able to perform it for you, for the privilege of being able to do it. And so here it is. My moment is in.
From the most trusted journalists at Comedy sept It's America's.
Only sorts for news. This is The Daily Show with your host Shant. Thank you, welcome, Welcome to the Daily Show. My name is Joe Sewart. Now where was I I'm excited to be back. I'm very excited about it. Go to see you guys, been to see you guys. Why am I back? You may be asking yourselves, it's a very reasonable question. I have committed a lot of crimes from what I understand, talk show host or granted immunity. So it doesn't doesn't make a lot of sense. But take it up with the founders. I don't know. We're gonna have so much. We're gonna talk about this year. Obviously elections. Maybe we'll talk about China, Maybe we'll talk about Ai. Maybe something a little lighter, Israel, Palestine, who knows when you consider the election.
Bot John pro Frick, Oh.
Jordan Klepper, everybody I didn't see there. He must have snug up. Shouldn't you be out somewhere talking to insurrectionists in a parking lot?
Oh? Biting, John biting.
You must be so proud of yourself, all these little satirical bits exposing the absurdities of our political process.
I mean, it was fun. We had a fun day. We had fun making this stuff up. Oh, I bet it was.
Did you save democracy yet?
No?
Your nineties brand of snark in both siderism?
Oh George Bush is dumb? Oh Gorge so boring? Wow?
Seyring, John, I wasn't really trying to save democracy.
I was just trying to All you do is brainwash voters into accepting a corrosive status quo when they could be out marching in the streets to affect change.
Frankly, you discussed me.
I can tell that from the tone of your voice on there. But you know, Jordan, I'm here like once a week, Like, seriously, what do you what do you want from me?
It's like, wait, days, you're only here once a week.
Who's hosting the show?
Deep other days the week?
The news team? Jordan, you're in fact, you're the host this whole week after I leave Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday to you.
It's great having you, buddy.
I gotta tell you that this is gonna be so much fun.
What we're doing here is important, John, I can't wait to change the world with you, my friend.
Thanks very much, really nice to see it.
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