The Daily Show: Ears EditionKevin Matthew Kelp (a.k.a. Michael Kosta) investigates conspiracy theories including ice cream trucks and the secret weapon that is the ice cream jingle, are fruit stickers tracking fruit, or are they tracking...you?, and he goes undercover to reveal the truth behind the government’s biggest secret: the sewage system.
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Now, if you've spent any time online at all, you know that there are conspiracy theories about everything.
The CIA killed Tupac, Paul Rodd is immortal, the moon landing faked us. But those are just the obvious ones, which is why we have a special segment that reveals the conspiracies you never even knew existed.
Conspiracies. They're everywhere or are they nowhere? Or is that exactly what they want you to think?
So that's where my wallet is.
Well for every day there's a me. I'm Kevin Matthew Kelp. Follow me as I pull back the curtain to find the truth behind the curtain. This is project Conspiracy.
Everywhere we go, vehicles are spying on us cars, unmarked vans, roller coasters. But what if I were to tell you there was another kind of vehicle monitoring Americans right underneath our noses or should I say our mouths. I'm talking about ice cream trucks.
The classic All American ice cream truck seems like just an innocent way to get a tasty treat until you do some digging. Meet Harry Bert, inventor of the ice cream truck in nineteen twenty three, he patented his creation with you guessed it, the US government aka the people monitoring us so closely they even know my social security So why did Burt team up with big Brother? I'll tell you why. Because of the massive amount of intel these spies cream trucks can gather in plain sight, foot traffic patterns, snacking habits a third thing I'll figure out later. All they needed was the perfect cover. The ice cream brain freed. Oh, it's time to figure out what exactly these trucks are up to?
What chalk at a Claire bar?
Or?
Did you already know that?
No?
Actually make it too.
I'm really hungry and I'm getting ready to do the stake out.
Not for you, though, A dollar? Okay, I hope you got what you were looking for, mister ice cream man.
This is thirty dollars, don't don't. My interaction with the ice cream Gestapo seemed normal, all too normal. So I kept watching for hours, fighting the temptation to get more ice cream, and only succumbing all of the time. Why couldn't I resist this truck? That's when I realized they're most dangerous with it?
Uh uh uh.
The song.
It's the song, Hey you spine on kids, you pervert?
No, I mean kind of. But it was never just the ice cream.
The truck siren song was its secret weapon the whole time, and I'm going to prove it.
H rock ice cream.
Oh I don't have any I was just proving a theory and it worked, so thank.
You Gas ice cream, Run Run Good.
Music has long been a psychological tool for deep state forces like the CIA, the radical Left, and Chili's, convincing ordinary citizens to confess, to vote and to eat against their own self interest. These kids mathose kids are tough.
But if I'm ever going to get the real scoop on this musical conspiracy, I need to go inside the belly of the beast.
Let's go.
So this is where everything happens, and this is the ice cream truck.
Okay, man, I'm ready for the job interview. So you know we don't make you dress like that anymore? Right? So where do you turn on the mind control song? Excuse me?
The ice cream totally normal?
The jingle?
So you're some sort of undercover conspiracy reporter.
How do you know that?
Who do you work for?
You put it on your resume?
That's a typo.
The whole job description.
Yeah, I've been made aboard abart.
I've been made abart abart abort.
Oh gotch Come on, so do you not want the job?
Clearly, whatever deep state agency is behind these trucks will stop at nothing to stop me from stopping them.
But don't worry.
Resistance is possible thanks to these noise canceling headphones. The only thing I'll be hooked on is the sweet taste of freedom. A lot of the most well known conspiracies are about what goes into our bodies fluoride, micro chips, spiders, the China he sent to crawl into our mouths while we sleep. But there might be one government spy where that we've all been overlooking. That's right, fruit, let's go.
Look.
Every single piece of fruit has a sticker on it. Apples, pears, whatever these are, even the pineapples, Oh God dear.
These fruit ow.
These fruit stickers were everywhere, but they weren't the fun kind that say things like grape job or I love you very much. Instead, they were filled with mysterious numerical codes.
Granny Smith, how do they know my grandmother's last name? I tried everything I could to crack this conspiracy. I listed every number I could think of, even seven, but it was no use. The codes were unbreakable.
If I was ever going to blow this conspiracy wide open, I'd have to go undercover.
I love fruit, just love buying fruit. Just an ordinary guy buying lots of fruit. You know, you're probably wondering why I'm buying so much fruits because I'm.
Having a fruit party later.
Okay, unfortunately you can't come, so okay, yeah, hey, I did notice that on all the fruit they have these stickers.
You don't know what that's about, do you? I guess so they can track.
The fruit or something.
Oh my god, she admitted, or are you talking to I forgot the fruit? Oh my god, Oh my god. Okay, so, thanks to my espionage skills, we've established it. The codes are used for tracking. But now it's time to find out who's doing the track. Does anybody know what?
After my usual investigative techniques turned up nothing.
Does anybody know where these little stickers come from?
I was able to find some answers by hacking the deep state. Meet the IFPs aka the International Federation for Produced Standards aka Secret Globical Ball. Because I've never heard of it before, And guess what, they're in cahoots with the FDA aka the government. The FDA regulates the adhesives on these stickers, and they just so happen to be the same shadow organization that recommends you eat three to four servings of fruit every day, an amount of fruit so ridiculous that anyone who's tried to do it is probably consumed two to three stickers without even realizing it. Are these stickers tracking the fruit or maybe they're tracking.
You? So?
Is the government really trying to trick us into eating stickers something every teacher from kindergarten through college told me not to do. There's only one way to find out. Let's see if my stomach can handle the truth.
Shore doll with a apple.
It was immediately clear that eating the sticker turned me into a walking GPS for the government. Everywhere I went, I was being followed by a big brother. The police watched my every move. Secret agents pretended to read newspapers.
What hey, hey, not so sneaky with your special spy gadget, now, are you?
The evidence couldn't be clear. The FDA is tracking us through fruit stickers, more like the food and deceit administration. That's actually pretty good. I should write that down. Got I already come up with the stuff, Kevin.
Ah.
Now that I've uncovered the truth, I can't be a part of this corrupt sticker system anymore. And luckily I don't need the FDA and their spy fruit because some of the best fruit actually is regulated by mother nature. Oh yeah, m.
Josh like freedom.
Yeah, it's a little funky, okay, bungalow. People always ask how I uncover government conspiracies. Simple, It's all about knowing where to look, and sometimes you only need to look.
Right under your feet. Shut up, I'm uncovering a conspiracy here.
It's probably in on it.
The mysterious disc that I discovered in the middle of a busy street is not uncommon. In fact, I found them in every city in the United States New York, Boston, Tulsa, Toronto. Seems innocent enough, But what if I told you there are portals to a complex network of hidden tunnels buried deep underground, thousands of miles of tunnels put there by who else, the government? This secret government tunnel system pervades everything. The pipes reach into our schools, our businesses, and even our homes.
I didn't consent to this, and until I get the truth, I'm not going to become part of this system. Did you hear that? You're not getting anything from me? The question is what is the government doing with these tunnels? Why are they harvesting our bodily fluids? And why aren't we allowed to see for ourselves?
Well?
I did some digging and it turns out this conspiracy goes all the way back to ancient Rome. The Roman elders devised a hidden system kept out of the eye of the public, called the Kloaca Maxima, which I believe translates to giant birdthole. Turns out Old Caesar was a part of a conspiracy way darker than sneaking anchovies into salad dressing.
Who else was involved with the thing?
It was time to get some answers.
But how could I enter the secret tunnel system? If I wanted to find out the truth, I'd have to go undercover.
Let's go, okay, testing testing one to truth three testing.
As long as you have respect and perseverance, you're going to do grades.
I just want you get down that whole.
Hello, fellow construction workers, and help you bout oh, I've been made so clearly the government's security around this system was tighter than I thought. But screw it, I'm just going to breach the network myself. Ah ah, wow, must be some kind of DARPA magnetic technology, otherwise I'd be able to lift that.
After trying for hours to break the government's high tech seal, it became clear there was no way in that.
But then I had a realization, instead of trying to get into the beginning of the tunnels, why not go to where they end?
And to find out where that is, I had to go to the dark web. Turns out there are entire agencies that no one has ever heard of, dedicated to maintaining this secret network of underground tunnels.
Busted. This government facility hiding and playing site is an endpoint where your feces, which contains your DNA, by the way, is collected.
Let's get some answers. Hey, what are you doing with our fluids? We have a right to know, sir. This is just a wastewater treatment. That's so you admit that you have our poop. Briefly, I guess see, I knew it.
You can't give me moneyball, damn. We may never know why the government is harvesting our feces through an elaborate network of tubes. But there's one thing I do know. They're never gonna get mine because I've sown my butthole. Shut check me, Uncle Sam. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts.
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