The Breakfast ClubINTERVIEW: Keri Hilson On Returning To The Spotlight, Public Relationships, Beyoncé Backlash + More
The Breakfast Club Sits Down With Keri Hilson To Discuss Returning To The Spotlight, Public Relationships, Beyoncé Backlash. Listen For More!
Wake that ass up in the morning.
The Breakfast Club Morning, everybody instej Envy, Jess Hilarious, Charlamagne the God.
We are the Breakfast Club, La La Rosa is here, and we got a special guest in the building. Yes, indeed, Kerry Hilston. Welcome, Thank you.
How are you feeling, Oh man, I feel good.
It's been it's been a long time since we've seen you back with some music.
Where you've been how many times you don't heard that question? Since you've been making the rounds? Where you've been? Where you've been a lot? I've been.
I've been around. I've been alive, clearly, I've been doing movies. I had been doing making music, couldn't release it, but been around.
I've definitely been around release it.
I've been finding my happy contractual issues, you know, So is that all over the freedom?
That's all over? I'm free. I belong to myself.
I was an independute Yeah.
Oh wow, okay, is that your choice?
Yeah?
Wow?
Like because really, because I'm not the same girl I was at twenty when I signed that contract. However old I was, it was around that early twenties. Like, I'm I'm not that person anymore. And now I deserve a lot more say in my career and the decisions I make and the songs that I'm cutting and the and releasing, and you know, I just you deserve that control.
You've kind of outgrown things.
So people would think that, you know, as an artist, you're able to do what you want to do musically, but you're basically saying that's not necessarily true.
It was not the case for me. I was signed to a label and a sub label that had its own heads, you know what I mean. So yeah, there were there were I released songs that I didn't really love. I had to record songs I didn't love. So even though I was known like as a songwriter, I was a new artist. So there are things that you kind of you got to play the politics game. And to me, that to me, that doesn't really go with art being political.
So yeah, I wonder why wouldn't they trust you, especially because of your.
Opinion, right, I mean, I think to a certain but again, it was just politics sometimes over the my feelings, the statements I want to make the artists I see myself as It was just like, no, but you have to we have to have a song by this producer, because I've had this side conversation with that producer, promised them a song on your album basically, and no matter how the session turned out, we got to put this out. So it's like, you know, things like that can happen. And no, I didn't have to say because I wasn't distributing. I wasn't you know what I mean on that end of things.
When you think about carry Hillston, like you were everywhere in the late two thousands writing, you were your own artists, and then you took a step back. Was that intentional or was it the industry bullshit kind of made you like, you know what, I don't want to be involved? Or did they push you out a little bit?
Like what was it of the industry? No?
No, it was definitely very intentional. I was actually going through quite a bit personally. I was really really depressed and at the height of my an album One night Stand was out, Pretty Gold Rock was out, These are huge you know, Knock You Down was still even in rotation, you know what I mean, Like things were really really good.
But I was really really low, really really bad.
But it was.
Personal for the most part, and some professional woes again, not having a say in decisions that are being made that I have to stand for and represent and and do that with whatever level of grace I could have for those decisions being made for me, and just kind of just you don't you don't always agree with who you do business with. Absolutely, and so but yeah, that wasn't it was not. It was my choice for sure.
Okay.
And how'd you get out of that phone? Because you went to depression? How did you get out of that depressure?
Was it more? Writing? Was it family?
Was it?
All of it?
All of that and vacations and philanthropy and all the things, exercising and and like journaling, writing, you know, privately and for others, spiritual retreats, journey. Yeah, I went on what I call Eat, Pray Love.
Yeah.
So, and there were times where I would just say yes to shows that were in places that I wanted to visit, you know what I mean, Yeah, like otherwise I'm not performing like I want to go there.
Yeah.
So yeah, So it's just that So with the album We Need to Talk, you have this digital series and we had this conversation. So it's like, yes, whatever, but so you have this digital series called we Need to Talk as well, and it's like called you to you conversation it's carry Hilston or carry Lynn talking to Kry Hilson. Yeah, and you got very versus me, you versus you. You got very indeptht about a bunch of different things. Relationship. Uh, you know, just coming back and doing this whole thing again, the press runs and all that different stuff. And now you've been out, you've been talking to some press. Is it what you expected it to be? Do you feel like people are like cause it kind of seemed like you think you thought people were going to be out to get you when you wanted to protect yourself from that. Coming back into it, I still think that she's very like skeptical.
I'm just cautious.
It has right because it wasn't this salacious. It wasn't quite this like ugly or nasty or like you know, driven by negativity.
It just wasn't that.
When I was, when when I was last year sitting in this chair. So yeah, I'm freaking. It was already exactly exactly, and now it's just worse. So yes, that that fear is real. That is that is a dialogue that I have with myself daily. It's it's literally a prayer at night. It's just like ah and and the struggle really is how authentic and truthful can I be when I don't feel safe, like when that is not intact, when your safety is not there. Just like in a relationship, you're not your most vulnerable when you don't feel safe, Like, no, you're not going to open up, You're not going to have these innermost feelings be expressed.
But it's part of what we do. So I have to find that even in the environment. So yes, that's.
How the last couple of days been for you. Has it been triggering?
Not yet?
I think that doesn't really happen until the clickbait begins.
So as these.
Interviews are rolling out and you see how things could get twisted and how people misunderstand what you're saying, or how the commenters will choose the most negative perception to have about what you stated, You know what I mean, that's the scary parts.
I love the people you missed the love because I've seen you what last year we would Ennore Michael B.
Jordan's thing and the love was amazing.
I've seen another time overseas in one of the Caribbean Islandy were perform when I was DJing and the love was there?
Do you miss that part of it?
Do you only focus on the negativity and forget about that part?
No, no, no, no.
I think it's just different with how people treat interviews and then how people treat your craft that state that remained the same because that was literally all I was doing. I wasn't doing interviews, so I always I don't miss I couldn't miss the love because I was still performing, and even when I went to movies and things like that, like it was just it's been all love. I just know stepping back into music is a different That's the only difference is the interviews and the clickbait and the it's just talking. I just be like, all right, how many ways can this be taken?
Prepare for it?
Get ready because people are committed to misunderstanding who you are and it becomes now a character attack, and I don't that's kind of difficult when you do feel as though you're a good person and you do do right by people, and you have integrity and you move in a certain, you know way.
The sad thing about is, you know, we reward negativity, you know, and me and Charlemagne had this conversation all the time. Somebody can get on you know, social media right now and talk about your outfit right and be nasty as hell. They get a million views, gets paid off for that, or she gets paid off for that.
So what does it do.
They'll make them They'll do it again and again. They'll do it again and it's it's positive and they get paid for it. So you got to understand that and take it with a grain of salt.
Facts.
You should do the R and B Money podcast. And the reason I say that, Valentine, yes, is because you made me think about something. It's like, well, damn, is there a safe space for artists? And it's like, Yo, when you see artists who start their own platforms, they probably understand, they overstand how that safe space for.
You they have. And I've done it. I've actually done the Army. Yeah we did it. Was that last year or year a minute ago? I think it was last year.
I said it was a minute ago because I watched it in preparation.
Okay, yeah, I think it was around the time when we went on tour.
Yeah, so it was mid last year.
So when you talk about the depression, and you talk about the spiritual journey, the spiritual healing. What did that chapter of your life teach you about purpose?
Mm hmm.
It taught me how dangerous it is to step away from your purpose, to step out of your purpose and away from your gifts. But it also taught me, on the flip side of that, that sometimes you have to do what is necessary to re engage with your purpose in a better way. And so both of those things happened for me, learning that it was necessary to pick it back up, but it was also necessary to you know, be boundaried and not have it by any means at any cost, but to protect myself in certain ways. So yeah, I learned a lot about purpose.
Yeah, you have a song on the project We Need to Talk called weigh Me Down. And then I hear you talk about purpose and just stepping back into things. And I know there's different things that can weigh a person down. But were you ever worried that the weight that made you want to step away and take some time would make you forget or you know, just lose the passion for the purpose.
Yes, I was concerned with that, and it did happen. I lost passion for quite a while, it was really difficult to create. At times, my life was radio silent. I didn't listen to music. I didn't sing or hum in the shower like I did since I was yay high, Like I lost so much passion for it, but I realized that that was really it was also necessary. Talk about clean slate. That's what you know, Me stepping away created the cleanest slate possible. And that's why it's so scary because I'm so freaking peaceful, Like life is calm, it's cool. I like my I like my friendships, I like my circles. I like the safety that I feel in daily life. And stepping back out into the spotlight, that's what the fear is really all about, is like, am I gonna lose how safe I feel? Am I gonna lose my peace, my sanity, my mental health? Am I going to be affected? It's you know, because it's the sleep deprivation, and you know, just not just comments. I have a thick skin because I'm so much more self aware also of who I am and also what I'm here to do and what my gifts are, what my weak strains and weaknesses, Like I'm very clear, so I don't think that they will ever cut me the same way, but it being there at all is just can spark a little fear.
Now, how do you protect your piece in an industry that thrives off, you know, controversy, negativity, and hate.
Yeah, yeah, I haven't quite all the way figured that out, but I think it's a daily I feel like it's going to be a daily practice saying no to certain environments that you just kind of already know are not going to be conducive to what you've I've worked so hard. It's like I was telling her yesterday, once you have seen darkness, you will fight tooth and nail to never see it again, to never have to be that low, quite that dark again. And I think it's gonna be a daily struggle, a daily not struggle with a daily effort in that regard, because you atually.
Enjoy the process, right, Like I want to walk into every room and feel like, Okay, when's the other shoe going to drop?
You know what I mean?
Right? That's no way to live.
You're right, But I think, yeah, I think there's enough about this that I do enjoy that I think it'll just overshadow. I'm hoping, but we'll see. I think it's gonna be a lot of prayer. It's gonna be meditation, it's gonna be listening to the music that you know eases and calms my nervous system in moments when that's necessary. It's gonna be just making sure that the enjoyable moments can be as enjoyable as possible.
Well, what puts you to come back out then?
Because I mean it's you're making music, making money from writing. You've wroten so many records. I mean, I'm looking at your desiography now, it's just so many records. What made you say, you know what? I want to put that foot back out and go in the line of fire.
I felt.
I felt clogged, I felt burdened, clogged, stuck, And that would really sum it up. I felt like there I had more to more, to say, more to do, because I know I say it in the Me versus Me series like I wasn't done. I sat down for a second, but I never felt done. I toyed with the idea like am I am I finished? Do I ever want to do that again in that way? But the answer was yes, just my way. I have to have a certain level of control now over you know, my my image, my brand, my words, my my.
Dialogue, it's just all the stuff.
But yeah, I just felt like there was there is so much more, and I never stopped creating, so I also know it's in the arsenal, and my confidence was built back up, and I just uh, in recent years, I just felt ready.
I felt ready.
You think people forgot what's in what you've created, what you've written, the songs that you put out, because.
I'll be honest, I forgot until I just looked at the discocrap.
I'm like Jesus, like, there's so many rep writing both and the records that came, and I'm like, there's a lot.
I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know, and I don't honestly, I kind of don't care either, because it's like clean slate.
Here we are again. Everything.
People only care about what you do that's new. Sure you may have been impacted positively by things that I've done, and it was so long ago, and I'm proud and I'm really grateful, but I don't know that that matters as much to me. I don't look back a lot. I'm really focused on what we're Yeah, what I'm venturing to do again.
When we talked before, you talk to me about the dark space that you were in and just trying to get it out of that, but not kind of it's like a hard thing to push yourself ab out of. I started thinking about it after the conversation, and I know what R and B. A lot of times people jokingly say, like, we want R and B artists to be in this dark, traumatic place because the music is better when you hear people say stuff like that. And you didn't got over so much in this peaceful space, like do you are you?
Like?
No, you'all relaxed because I need to sell some music, Like how do you feel about that?
Okay?
I've also as I stepped away, I was able to become a fan again too, like as I was emerging and starting to listen and look at the scope.
And in some.
Cases they're right, heartbreak makes for a beautiful record.
Heartbreak though not depression.
Not depression, it all goes. It all kind of meshes together after a while.
Dark is dark, true, And I never really did dark music did. I definitely have f that in music.
You know what I mean?
And not the heart?
Yeah, I have that and I still have that. You know that.
That's that's part of my story. So I'm not doing all positive. I think they're right. There are artists that we can look at and be like, dang, it just never hit quite the same when it was not good.
And that's sad to say.
It's it's left up on the artist side, but it's there is some truth to that. You have to find now new ways of expressing I guess the highs and making that cool and fun, and you know, because I think people feel the other stuff a lot deeper because it's more relatable. Most people know what a messed up or toxic relationship feels like, or they know what it's like to affect someone in a toxic way or whatever that is.
It's just more compelling.
What did your ego say when you stepped away? Like when you stepped away, like you know, like people may not recognize your pin the way that they should. I may not recognize the hits, like how was it easy for you? That's like an ego has moved to just step away and be like, y'all can have it for.
What did my egos say? I'm sure I'm sure there were bruises. There were moments where I wasn't proud of, like the like the bookings I would get, you know what I mean. There were times where my ego was like, I'm better than this.
Surely I did.
Just went back, don't tell them, don't play with your checks.
Okay, I mean yeah, it was never that bad, but there were moments where I'm like, surely I'm better than this, Like wow, you know, but yeah, there were times I definitely had to had to, but I stepped away.
Again.
The whole intention behind it was to kind of kill my ego. That was the journey I went on, literally was like, let's just be a human. Let's, you know, try to look as little like Carrie Hillson as you can and kind of re emerge as a human as a like.
Who am I?
I have been in the industry since my first group we talked was about I was fourteen years old. We signed when I was seventeen, and then I quickly when that group disbanded or near the end of it, I began songwriting and so my first placement I wrote it seventeen. It came out of eighteen. That was my first what first five figure check that turned into six figures by twenty one, Like, you know what I mean?
So I've been in this industry.
Now I'm forty two, so that would be twenty years in a couple of years. Wow, No, excuse me, thirty years years? Good lord, I think I didn't That was a I didn't want to admit that.
Nobody in here is a math major.
So the YouTube it later, for sure, for sure, I'm like, wait now, almost almost thirty years. So yeah, I kind of felt like the break was really wanted, and the ego kill was necessary too. I wanted to be human, and I wanted to be a great one. I wanted to be a good human, So like, what is it?
You know?
What does that mean? And I had to go on that journey and figure that out, you know.
So there was a point where you looked in the mirror fifteen years ago and was like, I don't like what I see. I don't like who I'll become.
Yes, on the low end of that, for sure, not necessarily because I felt I had a huge ego, but because I had made some mistakes and I had lived in shame and embarrassment, and and then too I was going through heartbreak. So that was all kind of coupled together. So yeah, yeah, I didn't like who I saw because I knew that I was a higher vibrating person than those things.
We were.
Sometimes when you you know, you step away from the integrity, or you find yourself in scenarios that you didn't have control over that rub rub your spirit in a certain way, and you're like, that is that was a mistake I really could have done without making.
You know, and when that happens, you're not gonna like who you who you see? Yeah, for many different reasons.
Your relationships with public though, would you ever have public relationships again?
Or hell no, trying not to.
I'm trying not to.
Only two of them, only really one of them?
Two two?
Okay, which to you talking about?
Do your Googles people could do that?
Google Googles know mine. I'm just wondering.
Where's Yeah, that would be the one that I would say is a public relationship.
The other was like, okay, fake?
Which one the young one?
They were both younger than me, but they were both very real.
I think he's asking about that boy dating. Oh that was not There was a there was always a rumor that you guys were dating.
No yees say their names from the sled that all the way up. No, no, no, you never.
Dated Soldier boy.
No no, I think that that picture where so he. I think we might have been in New York actually, and we were just at the same studio at the same time. I think either studio or was it at a show, whatever the case is. It was like a visit, like a like a dressing room or studio visit. And he came by and it was like, I think our first time meeting. And he put his chain on me, like he had his chain and I was maybe I tried it on. I don't remember how the chain got around my neck.
Is twenty years ago.
Shut up, like.
Smell fine, yes, I welcome back.
Yeah Soldier Boys Okay.
And pictures were taken and it was just a fun moment between two artists. Like that was the beginning of like, oh, I can't even take pictures with people because I'm now dating everybody. Take a picture with that was like yeah, yeah, so and little Wayne all that same never dated, No, just pictures. Chris Brown never dated.
Any of that because I know as a woman like that has to be annoying because you don't have the choice to be like this is what I'm actually doing, and you take too much time when you're doing it right, how much did that impact you career wise or did it even or did it just like piss you off to the point where it's like I can't say anything because Sojia boy or whoever. At the time, they're also big artists, So Mike got labels that are like we just let it ride. Maybe it's selling music and you're trying to be like no, But as a woman, I want to say, this is what I'm doing right.
I think I just spelled all of the ones that I wasn't actually dating, but I was doing it on Twitter. And you know when people see that's the thing about blogs, When they are posting something a story that you know is not true, and you come out and say it's not true, they don't always come back and recan't They hardly ever not. I mean, I've seen it, but it's like one out of one hundred and.
Never as loud as the rumor. So that part is annoying.
But like people thinking that I'm dating other people, it depends on who it is that I guess determines how annoyed I would be.
But yeah, you.
Said you was getting over a heartbreak. Was that one of the reasons that you had to take it?
Yes?
Yes, I was in a relationship for eleven years is a long time.
That was not search. It was before search. Yep, right before search.
Oh, Serge was a rebound.
No, it wasn't. It was years in between.
A little bit let him know he was a rebound. Serge, you are a rebound. I don't know if you knew that, but you are.
It's not true.
And he's gonna look straight the camera too. He was shake the camera.
It's crazy, straight to camera. He was not a rebound.
It was maybe three years after that eleven year relationship was over. I do believe in healing in between relationships. I do believe in that, so I'll be single for years and between relationships.
I think that's the one problem with being an artist is that nobody believes that y'all are real people, and so when you are going through real things, nobody will take that into consideration. It's more entertaining for them to be like the beehive ran out of.
Town, right, That's way more entertaining.
But also because I think when you're rich like people are like, they don't empathize with you. They can know you're human, but they don't give they don't care because they're like, whatever, she's rich, she'll be fine.
It's like, damn, I ain't got no heart, you know, I can't feel. I can't go through love and heartbreaking.
Like you know.
I think people don't realize how much the noise that they throw it like gets to you or not, even if it doesn't break you, but like you see it, you can't not see it.
And now it's controlled and jumped. Before it was a thing I was going.
To say because I wasn't jumped. Well, I was never jumped.
No one ever put their hands on.
Carry. Don't play with me though.
It's miscarry baby.
He's talking about right from Atlanta.
Yeah, okay, it came out real quick. No, I think he's talking about the beehive. Just all of the comments and stuff from the song leak and all that stuff. And now today, at this point, are you looking like when you look back at that, because and people will bring it up, so I'm sure you're kind of preparing yourself for that. How do you do you not even explain it, but like, how do you look back on that? What are your comments on it now so far removed from it.
It's a regret.
It's a regret, but not in the way that people would think, because that's a song that I actually didn't write. Those are not my words. I was on tour. Holl On One just wanted me to do a remix to turn me on. He had produced the record, and I wasn't because I was on tour with Lil Wayne. I wasn't able to like lay anything down. He had been on me for a couple of weeks about we gotta we need to do a remix. Okay, so I take off. It wasn't happening quick enough for him. I take off, We fly in and.
So he had another writer in our camp at the time. He had her write this. So he played it.
For me like this is the remix, because I'm thinking, I'm coming in to go write a remix to turn me on. Like the whole time, I had been writing concepts like what would I say? How do I even remix this? Like what do I want to? So I had lines and I had, you know, things that I would have said. But I come into the studio and he plays me this verse and I'm like, automatically I'm like, that is that's I'm not saying that that was my position, and.
That was Shane when you heard it.
Yeah, yeah you could, but you I didn't know really who it was about, but I mean one could guess, and you know, it just was I'm like, I'm an athlete, but I'm a I'm a I'm a finesse player. I'm not a nasty player. I'm not a dirty player. I don't even look at things like that. I'm competitive in a I'm also a swimmer, So that's a self sport. That's like an inside game, and that's how I played every sport that I played. So I never found it. But we we disagree there, Polo and I because he believes in kind of the shock jock mentality.
He believes in kind.
Of playing dirty to a degree, and I don't. It's not right, so exactly exactly. So I tried to fight him on it, and I began writing my own That's what I did with my time there.
But he.
I want to be careful with the word I use. It was quite forceful.
You know what I mean.
In an executive artist.
Yeah, in an executive artist way, only.
You know, involving others and kind of threatening my career in a sense, in a real sense, like you're not coming because my album wasn't out yet, so it was like, you're not coming out of.
You don't do this.
And the mistake that I made was not continuing to fight. But I was in tears, I was crying. I was adamant that I did not want.
To do that, and people I don't know you was signed to Polo.
I was signed to Polo and Timblain YEP in a joint venture at Innerscope Records, YEP. And I was young, I was super young. I felt I had no power, I felt I had no choice. But I did record mine, my version, which had nothing.
Like that in it.
It was on subject song is about men, and I think days was it days after?
He remembers more because he was there. He remembers more. Was it days after? When it leaked?
It leaked like days after I did it, But he promised me that wouldn't happen.
So it leaked.
And that was that. And I protected him. I protected the girl that wrote it, who went on to become famous. I protected everyone in the story. So I had to eat that. I had to eat that, and I am still eating it to this day because I'm getting asked about that fifteen. However, many years, sixteen, seventeen years later, it's like I've worn the scarlet letter.
Really, I'm sorry. But when you answer it once like it's done, people like actual answer. I think that makes it go.
Yeah.
I was going to say, I think this is the first time I've heard this.
I have before, but yeah, maybe you guys is a beautiful platform, a big one, and maybe hopefully this is the last time I need to talk about that. But that that is definitely a regret of not fighting even stronger. But I again, when your career is on the line and they make it, that be the way that you perceive the situation. Not perceived, but it was pretty clear. But when you you're that young, you're just kind of.
Like, maybe they know better than me, right, maybe.
Well I never felt like they were right. I never felt like they were right. But because my authenticity, my authenticity said the entire time, this can't this can't be the only way to become like I was already doing well. And in my eyes, although it gained the popularity and the recognition the song okay, we had a lot of spins, but that I from that moment on, I was like, this, this ain't even my path anymore.
Now I got to ride.
Out with the.
I think he just went because they were partners. I think he just went along, but I didn't. I don't remember that we involved him, or that he was involved at all, because he didn't. He hadn't produced that record. But I wonder now I would love to ask him, like, what do you what did you think about that? What I do know is he went on to work with B and Jay and tour with him, and so did Polo, And I'm sitting there like wow. But again I protect I never I was trying to keep peace and also not wanting to put my career. They were still my bosses. I didn't want to put my career further into detriment. So, you know, I just didn't want to step in the shit anymore though, So I didn't want to hold no magazine with her on the I just froze. I just was like shook. So whenever anybody brought it up, probably the last time we were here, like please don't bring up Beyonce. It was probably that kind of environment because I was shook. I was scared. I was not of her, like I love her. I think she's incredible. She's one of the greatest artists of all time, and I'm a fan, like have always been. That's never been in question for me. But now I just it's a name. I can't say, it's a magazine I can't hold it's a conversation I don't want to have publicly, just because I don't want to piss anybody off. I don't want to make things even more weird than they already were. I just wanted it to go away. I wanted it to go away. I wanted it off my scarlet letter, you know what I mean. I wanted to clean myself up and just have the career that I wanted to have. But I didn't know how to do that. I didn't know cleaning it up would mean.
That.
It just felt like a messier situation.
I think people understand the industry now, so they understand like, you know, producers or executives telling you, yo, you know this this person or say this about this person, or you know, stirve some controversy. I think they can understand that. They can understand fifteen years ago, you was a younger artist in a completely different space. How you could be pushed to do something like that.
I think so now, yeah, now I think.
We can now they could. Back then, I think it was people probably felt a different way.
Yeah, And if you believe you knew I was a writer, if you believe that those were my words, and there's no backing out of that, but they're not my words, and they.
Weren't just about being I mean, if the verse wasn't just about Beyonce. I remember, I remember it was a two the left line in there, but you were shooting at women in general.
But I think it was because you can women. I guess in the industry, it was the move to the left that I think it was a couple other things, but it was the move to the left that I think people kind of parallel. But and that's how I'm wondering, Like, at what point did you realize, like, oh, like here's the I guess it's all these women, but like, here's the this is how this is going to be taken, and like I'm in the middle of this now.
When it happened, it's when when it leaked and when I guess we must have seen comments or think pieces and headlines, and it was like, all of a sudden, all the good headlines just went to that and they're forever there. I think I just realized that as other people like okay, But as I was singing, I was like, is this because the whole time it was begrudgingly that I went through with its request, but it was like a promise, like you can write your own if you sing this, and then it leaked, so it was all part of the plan. So I wasted my time even working on my own verse. That was what he wanted to happen.
What did your team sing when the backlash happened. Did they just step away and say you're on your own now, or did they.
Felt like that's what the fuck?
It felt like that everyone went on to normal see and I'm the only one left like, hm, what it felt like I'm being crucified.
I'm being murdered. And I would say, Carrie the human was looking at Carrie Hillson the artist like you deserve that ship.
You should have fought harder. You know, I understood it, I got it.
Give you well.
It's tough to do because I I that's something that I held on to not again.
Girl, every time we together, okay, but.
Thank you for me what makes you laugh?
Thank you?
Thank you.
That was.
Y'all are crazy, But that is that is what If I give myself grace, yeah I do, now I do? I do, I do. I have forgiven myself. But that's what. It goes back to the shape that I felt for so long. I'd be ashamed to walk in places or look like myself at times for that reason, because I'm not a hater. I'm really not like to the point where I never even read chart positions. I never even cared about how many sales I have or how much like I'm not that girl because I'm not.
I'm not.
Driven by what others are doing or the competition that I feel has nothing to do with what anyone else is doing. I've never felt like shooting anyone else down for their greatness made me greater. I'm not that naive, I'm not that immature. So I just always felt like what I do is what I do, and I feel like I do it damn well, but it has no bearing on what they do. So I just felt like that was such an ungraceful mistake to make or to be forced to do, and to not stand up for myself. That was a shit that I wore. Was like, I should have fought harder. I should have fought harder. I should have fought harder. I should never have done it. I should never have recorded that.
I should have.
Outed them well before now I should have, you know what I mean? And I still am protecting the writer because I feel like like she might have been doing what what she was told to do.
I hope that now that's a I want people to really hold on to what you just said, though, because it wasn't you know, the beehive getting at you. It was what you chose to do. Because I feel like if you had wrote that on your own and put that out and got that same backlash, you probably could have handled it better.
But you elaborate, what do you mean?
It was like that. It wasn't you that wanted to even say that, like your else make a decision for you know?
I mean, yeah, yeah, And I think we all have those moments in life where you're like, absolutely, dang man, I wouldn't have gotten in that fight. I wouldn't have got arrested if I didn't even get convinced to go, or if I didn't wasn't for you know whatever, where you're just like I could have.
I could have. I knew it.
You never want to compromise yourself for a position because it makes you feel like right, it makes you feel like Okay. I know I got faith in a higher power, but I clearly wasn't paying attention to God in that moment. And I know I got faith for myself, but I clearly wasn't paying attention to me. So why did I compromise myself? Why did I make these people feel like I'm not gonna make it?
Yes, I don't do it. How could I allow them that level of power?
Like you ain't God, you weren't even here at the beginning of my climb, you know what I mean? I would have kept climbing with just in someone else's hands. And that's why my trust is so like low, you know what I mean, because I'm like man, I've been and abandoned, so to speak. You know, so yeah, that that you always pay when you go against your intuition, You always pay for it. You always pay for it, You always pay for it. You have to fight for what you feel. That nudge is there for a reason. It's there to protect you. It's there to keep keep your sanity.
It's there to to to.
Make sure that you are who you say you are and believe you are, and and just kind of keeps you in line.
And that was that was, That was my mistake.
Have you spoke to Beyonce or run into her, because the industry is small.
It is it is.
We ran into each other at a at was it b T Awards and she introduced herself. She I didn't see her coming, but she came and her hand was out and she introduced. She was like, Hi, I'm b or she may have said her whole name also, And that was as it was happening. You know, I think I was. I think that was one I was performing at or something.
I'm not sure.
I don't I'm not sure, but I was backstage for some reason, maybe I was presenting or whatever.
I hope it was b T Awards.
I could be wrong about that too, but it was some awards show by the trailers, so backstage area, and she had introduced herself and I.
Felt like, you know, she was.
That was a little bit of like, you know, I see you what I I.
Mean, I've been I've only been around our fewt but I've seen her welcome and Beyonce.
Like, Okay, I thought it was G.
No, no, no.
She did that to me in the club one time I met her, and then one time at the other radio station she comes out.
Checking no I do I thought it was G. I thought it was real G. I was like, fuck with that. I like that. I like that.
Why have a conversation.
We just was in the place and I did you know? It just was in the place. I hoped to always have that be if you're out there, I love you.
I would love to do that. I'd love to do that because I don't know what's being said. I do know that my camp has worked with her. I don't know what was also said. They might have put it on me. They might have said she wrote that like, I don't know what was said.
I would love to.
Clear that up because, like I said, I'm a fan. There's utmost respect for who she is as a songwriter, as a performer, as a woman, as a mom. Like, so much respect for her. And I was in a girl group, you know what I mean, Like we we looked up to them. There's there's so many reasons and ways that you can love her, and I would love to do that because I'm more so also to clear it up for sure and to give her the respect that I felt she always deserved from me because that was so not that, but also because I'm curious as to what were you told about.
It if Polo, Like if they came back and said, hey, let's today, I don't know, if they tried to have a conversation like we're in a different space to me, to you, would you are you? That conversation should be down a half.
I think the conversation needs to be to y'all. That's I felt unprotected. I felt like abandoned there. I think the conversation is to the public. I've forgiven him. He's actually even has records on this album.
We have worked.
I can be around like I'm a really forgiving person. And again I took full accountability all this time.
I just wore it. I ate it, I wore it, I lived it.
But before y'all worked, do you say we need to talk?
No, we we were talking the entire time, like I never I'm not a spiteful individual. I don't harbor ill I would. I have said many times how I felt, you know what, I mean the whole while he to this day, he just you know, the definition of gaslighting.
But I don't understand the working relationship then, because like hearing you talk about him, and does I seem like someone you would want to rataniously put yourself around.
But he can never force me to do anything I don't believe in. Again, that's what I know about me. So I can be around someone and know that I'm in control of me. Now, you know what I mean, You'll never make the same exact mistake twice. I will never let that man coerce me to do anything ever again, you know. So it's just that it's just that, like I can be and we're cool, Like it's just it is what it is. But I will keep him at a certain distance in certain decisions. He's a great producer.
He ain't gonna like it. He's not gonna like it. But like.
It is my truth, and it's more important for me to be honest and truthful and authentic now and if honestly, if that lifts part of the burden for fans and and for myself, then I guess today it had to be said, you know, and with.
All the records that you've written, what.
Is your favorite I can't who's your favorite?
Child?
M It's tough way, I don't have one.
Yeah, it's like that.
It's like that, do you have a record that defines you? One of your records that defines you?
All of them define pieces and sides of me for sure?
And did you write though some d's on it at that hook? No?
But I was just in the video of that one.
That's like a floating rumor online too, that that I think they didn't know that you wrote it, not that you date it, know that you were.
Not throw some d's. No, let me think, rich boy, No, that wasn't. I love that hook, though I wish I wrote it. I love that verse, all the verses on that.
Do you feel secure? Like, do you feel protected now?
Yeah?
Because I got me, I do.
And also this man right here, mister Jones, he's been with me my entire ride from album one at some point. Yeah, yeah, it's been that long, and he is he's literally my protector. He's I've never seen an artist manager dynamic quite like this, where I know, no matter even if you're even if you were trying to get me to do something that is against my better judgment. It ain't even gonna get past him. It's not even gonna get to me because he saw all that, he saw me pay for everything, he saw me.
He was with me, you know what I mean.
I'm sure he felt some of even as a manager, he probably felt some of the same feel I felt about his own career, which is a thing I'm just realizing, like, yeah, you probably had some embarrassment shade, you know, But but we went through it all together and here we are still still here?
Was it really? I mean, I know personally had what was the industry shit really that bad? Like was the beehive and all of it? Was that real? Like when they were coming at you, that had anything to do with you taking the step back that you took.
Yeah, that was the other side of it. So it was a heartbreaking that. Yeah, that's what I was saying in the beginning of our interview. Yes, it was that it was like me wearing the mistakes, but it wasn't necessarily Okay, no CDs were ever thrown at me. That would have been a totally different story because it would have gone very differently. Yeah, that was a rumor that they said that they threw Beyonce CDs at me on the street or something wherever they said that happened that had never happened.
But it was online.
To Georgia, come out of you. That's twice the one to jump in.
It's funny because I didn't even realize my disposition changed at all, But.
Uh, it was online. It was like the what did you call it online?
Uh? Jumping online control.
Yes, it was like no matter what I posted, the response was bees, no matter what I said, no matter what the caption was, no matter how beautiful I look, no matter what how why I'm on this carpet, no matter what, it was like bees just everywhere, you know, online and interviews as well, Like it was like I couldn't do anything on my own without her name being mentioned, which yeah, it just I couldn't live it down.
I just felt like I could everywhere.
I went, They're like, so Carrie, I can't, and I was just I would just freeze.
I was just freeze. That's natural. I just would freeze.
And I'm like, I don't want to step in. I don't want to say anything wrong. I don't want to say anything else wrong, Like I don't want to step in it. So I'm just gonna be quiet, And eventually it came to I don't even want to show up anymore.
I don't even want to go go anywhere, I don't want to do anything. I just don't want to do this anymore.
And was their industry backlash, like, did people start fronting on you because they wanted to be in her good graces?
Probably it's fair to it's fair to suggest that probably probably some of the people that I had been working with took that position, But I wouldn't know, but it's I would say it's likely.
That it's fucked up. If the people who took that position with people who actually encourage you to do it.
It would be But I don't.
I don't.
I don't throw anything past many people. You know, people are people, not the.
Only person you should be protecting.
That was you, right, right, That's all I.
Know, nothing to nobody right that part, that part, And that's how I feel. The only thing I owe anybody is me and to have the fresh start that I've been fighting for now, that's that's what I owe myself.
Let's get into a joint off the album. Let's get back to the music. What do you want to hear off the album.
I think all we can play is bay you whatever you want, y'all have it.
The record.
Let me grateful.
What do you want to hear about you? You want to scream whatever?
Weigh me down?
Okay, let's go there.
Okay, so you got to senence that one. Go make it, you promise? Yeah, all right, so let's get into it right now.
Mother, you're talking.
About no no, I wish no no.
No say that.
Okay, I'm listening to that right now.
Okay, she got the Temptation story that comes out April twenty six.
On Lifetime, Yes Fame, Yes April twenty sixth, and my album drops the eighteenth, so like a week before.
That, and the talking about the series on YouTube. I really to watch this will help you with the music in it's a background to you.
Yes, and it kind of sums up the conversation we've had this morning, ye and how I feel coming back in So that I think is the breast a great preface to hearing the music. So yes, it's on YouTube on Carry Hilson's YouTube page.
That's me.
I hate when I appear to talk in third person, but on my YouTube page at Kerry Hilson. You'll see a series called Me Versus Me.
Episodes.
Just it's quick, they're quick, they're shorts, and the album is actually released in three parts. That's what I thought you were going to say. But it's released in three parts. So you're I've been going so long. I was like, I owe people more than just one EP or one album. So I'm releasing basically three three series of work, three series, three bodies of work inside of one album.
Oh thought you was getting Michael Jackson all madag on with the nuns.
Yeah, so you'll see them grade out as they're there. But it's all one album, all called We Need to Talk And right now you're getting the love portion.
So we're starting there. I'm telling a story, so what's not really really neat? The way I decided to do this was drama after drama, redemption.
So so you feel like there's unfinished business and music for you. Basically I do, I do?
All right, Well, let's get it on right now.
Say that happy fraid.
Yeah, because I just like that. You've got to map out, you know, how you want to reintroduce yourself to this love it this new generation.
It feels like it feels like you're getting through all of the things that you probably had to take right. I had to take a step away to better understand what was happening, to better articulate how you felt in it. Yes, it feels like that.
Yeah, you're really wise. Oh girl, thank you, she asked me. She had me crying.
Yesterday, asking you have some condt propoken questions. Yeah, not no good good crying crying isn't bad. But you made me feel which was not.
It's not that.
It's not that normal to have to think that deeply. So I appreciate when I get to so and thank y'all because it's the same here.
And it's good context because you know, you never know what people are really going through or how these things we hear in the media really are impacting somebody right, personally, right.
And even at a subconscious level, because that's what it was for me. I don't think it was completely all conscious. But you inherit what people say about you when you see it that often good, bad and ugly. The good is damn just as damage seeing the ugly things about yourself. So yeah, subconsciously you inherit what the belief outside. You can inherit what outside beliefs are into yourself and that becomes unhealthy no matter which way it goes good or bad.
And I know you said we need to talk which is the album? You're talking to fans also about things that they deserve to get answers to. Yes, I think as a fan. After we talked today and after we talked on the other show that I do, I was like, wow, like, I don't I think. I wish I had kind of had a glimpse into all of this as it was happening. It probably would have made people react differently to what happened and not. I don't know. I can't describe it, but it was such a good insight. So I'm glad you're doing this. I think people are going to be like, oh, dang, Okay, it's a little bit of person in there.
Yeah, I hope so, because I became so guarded after what had happened that I always felt like they don't no one knows who I am and I can't show them because I.
Was too fearful and too afraid.
Of But I just I just knew that I was like completely misunderstood, completely misrepresented, just completely like this does not represent who I am in the least.
So I always wanted for people to understand and see who I am.
But I was too afraid, too afraid to pull the veil, and also too afraid, like I said, of.
Feel feeling like I had to protect people.
So I remained guarded and people were They didn't like the mask. They didn't like the mask.
And what's crazy is Beyonce wouldn't want any of this. M I don't think so. I don't you know, I don't think she would want you to have to go through.
Yeah, I don't think. Yeah, I don't think so either. I take her to be a lot more gracious than that. I mean, even that introduction alone, I feel like I feel like I would agree.
I would agree.
I hope a dope full circle moment would be for you and her to collaborate on something, like you write something for her or write something together. Yeah, that would be dope.
That dope that would do.
Put that in atmosphere.
Yeah, let's manifest that.
Thank you for joining us, Thank you for coming because I know that had to be difficult the first time you because I've seen it in your face, like you didn't know what to expect.
You look at him, especially the short guy over there, like carry always.
Been good people. Don't be more scary though, Yes, because you're such a wild card. You're like a landmine.
I don't do cocaine anymore.
He never did a cocaine.
What's funny was in my head I was like.
Oh, now we could give him some grades.
Issue.
You had a problems. It's the breakfast club. Good morning. Wake that ass up in the morning.
Breakfast Club.
