Sometimes, trying not to hurt your spouse can actually create more distance.

On Marriage Unhindered, Doug Hinderer speaks with Ellie, a wife of five years and mother of three, who says she and her husband tend to keep frustrations and criticisms to themselves. They worry their feelings might be unfair or irrational, so they stay quiet.

But that silence has a cost.

“I don't want to share the bad stuff. I don't really want to share the good stuff either,” Ellie explains. “And then we just start to operate in a coexistence.”

Doug encourages Ellie to change the way she views difficult conversations. Instead of seeing criticism as proof that she is a bad spouse, she can see her husband's feedback as an opportunity to love him better.

“The only way I can be the best is if I know where I'm kind of messing up,” Doug says.

That requires both spouses to communicate gently. Rather than attacking or blaming, Doug recommends explaining how something makes you feel and asking your spouse for a specific change. The goal isn't to prove who is right. It's to help each other become better husbands and wives.

Doug also suggests a practical habit for busy couples: a brief “stress-reducing conversation” at the end of the day. Each spouse takes a few minutes to share what went wrong, while the other listens, offers affection, and expresses appreciation.

For Ellie and her husband, raising three children makes finding time together difficult. But even a few intentional minutes can keep the day's frustrations from piling up.

Marriage isn't strengthened by pretending everything is fine. When spouses create a safe place for honest, charitable communication, even frustrations can become opportunities for deeper intimacy.

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