Butter that crumpet

Published Aug 31, 2024, 6:44 AM

Ash is back with D.I.Y glory holes, Mum lists, wedding scams and dating app algo's.

This is why the patreon episodes are way better. Funny ep!

Listen to the longer unedited episode on patreon.com/AshWilliamsShow

Yes, and welcome back to the Ash Williams Show. My name is Ash Williams and I am all warmed up, Yes, like a crumpet popping out of the toaster. I am warm for your mouth and I'm ready for your mouth. However you want to butter me up, button me up, baby. Here's the thing, mate, If you're having crumpets and you're not putting butter on your crumpets, what are you doing? What kind of a life are you living? An unbuttered crumpet is the saddest thing on earth, and there's a lot of sad things. But you gotta butter that crumpet, baby, right. I'm very passionate about that. I've had a lot of buttered crumpets this morning. I've just been watching Alexi Popper and beat Novak Djokovic.

Here's the thing about tennis.

It goes for a long time, like it can blow out your whole day if you watch the whole match, like it was meant to start at nine o'clock nine am, didn't really start till about ten thirty. It finished at two thirty two. It's a long fucking match like this is the appeal of pickleball. Pickleball goes through about twenty minutes. Anyway, I had four, I had about six seven crumpets, Mum's crumpets. Um. Oh yeah, but hey, let's get into the podcast. I had a great gig last night in Queenscliff. Shout out to all those legends. I did a corporate set during the week which had to be completely clean, and I will tell you about that set later on the pod. I had very clear parameters, a checklist of things that I couldn't say so and I'm telling you there was a huge list. I've never had such a list of things you can't say. So I'll tell you about that gig. And if you're in Perth next week, then why don't you come and visit me at a few locations. I will be at Boost Juice between one pm. Not I will be at the Miss Universe Australia Final competing as usual.

Now I'll be hosting that.

It's a tough gig Thursday night, that's Crown Towers going to be a classy affair always is. And then on Friday and Saturday night I will be at the Comedy Lounge in Perth, so by there and then after that I will just be you know, taking saunas, taking taking ice baths, going to the beach, that kind of thing, and then I'll be back in Melbourne.

Now, what have I got for you.

I spoke to my friend the other day who is living overseas, and he goes, you know what, man, I said what and he goes, I love being gay. I said, fuck you, no, not fuck you. Fuck yet he'd like to be fucked. I said, fuck yeah, man, fuck you and he said yeah, man. I just had the best afternoon. I went and met a guy from a dating app and uh, he's got a DIY glory hole in his house.

I said, this sounds nice, mate, this sounds like a nice trip you're going on. He goes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You sit in a chair and then this guy puts a glory hole on you and gives you a blowjob.

I said, how does that work?

Because usually a glory whole is behind a wall, like a one hundred and eighty degree wall, and he goes, ah, yeah, that's the traditional glory holes. But you can buy gloryhole material with hard edges with a gloryhole in the middle, and that way you can put the gloryhole over someone like it's a blanket. It's a Glory Whole blanket. And I said, so, you know, so you're getting a head job and then you can't see them at all. He goes, nah, but I saw his photos on the dating app and he was hot. And I said, dude, I've known you for fifteen twenty years or something. I said, don't try and tell me that you didn't have a look at who was giving you head And he said, look again, Glory Whole rules, you're not meant to look.

But I always take a peek. I always take a peek. I said, yes, why wouldn't you well, wouldn't you know?

Otherwise it could be some fucking rando sucking on your slung, you know, I mean, that's the fun of it. I guess I don't think you would. This goes back to tens and dudes. But I don't think you'd be able to discern between two dudes mouths.

I really don't.

I think you possibly could with a lady, a lady and a man, but I don't know.

He said, it's great, like when you go to these Glory Whole houses.

They they give you a free water, they give you a free mentos. You know, it's the new Uber. Back in the day, at Uber you get the free water and mentos, and you weren't getting blowjobs.

This place is doing blowjobs.

And there's actually a dating app in America where you can rate blowjobs.

So it's the app is called Blowers. This is not a joke.

It's got blowers and you rate the guy for either giving or receiving head. I don't know how you could actually, I suppose you could get rated for receiving head, because if I was someone who was like like sucking dudes off, that I'd want I'd want some personality in the pen, you know.

But I don't know. It's such a wild lifestyle to be gay, isn't it.

And my mate was just he was pitching this, this lifestyle to me in a way. I mean, I'm all in with straight sex. I'm all I love it. I love it, you know, I love ladies. But my mate was saying, look, everything you go through as a gay guy in Australia and all the bulling you go through, it's worth it for where he's.

At right now in his life. It's all worth it. And I'm like, fuck, man, this is a beautiful story. This is just a beautiful.

Coming of age part of the pun story. Also during the week, I got a scam email. Now these emails there, they're getting better, but you know they have glaring.

Gaps in.

Their in their scamminess. So this just says this is from Joel, says first red flag, says high Comedian instead of Ash Williams. It's all Ash and says high Comedian, first red flag. And then it says my fiance James and I will be getting married soon. And your name was among the few recommended to us to contact as a professional comedian. We're considering a small family function with up to one hundred and fifty guests. We would like to know how much for two hours of your comedy slash MC services. With this being said, it's a small sized wedding and we want everything exclusive of the engagement session. Our budget is three thy five hundred dollars. Can our budget work for you? Date October twenty seventh from twelve till six and if you would like to get back to me with the exact price, we can discuss things further. We will be responsible for your transportation, fair food, hotel, et cetera. Are you available then it says do you accept certified checks payment, and then it says hope to read from you soon instead of hope to hear from you soon, hope to read from you soon, Best regards, Joel. Now, eighty percent of that email is good. It's in Los Angeles, by the way. In Los Angeles so a place called the Fig House. Do I right back? Do I write back? Because here's the thing with these things, I'm always willing to call their bluff. I'm willing to take this as far down the road as you want to go. Because if you want to book me a flight to LA, I will see your wedding for three thy five hundred US. Mate, I'll fucking I'll fing do just about anything for that. So you know what, I wasn't going to write back, But now that I've read this out to you, I'm going to write back because, um, I want to say, yeah, I don't know, high comedian, what a fucking lazy scam email twenty seventh of October.

I would like to go to LA at that time.

To be honest, they've given the timings, the exact location of the wedding, the Fig House, which is North Figureoa Street, Los Angeles, nine zero zero four. Hmmm, Joel Fletcher, her name is. Maybe this isn't a scam. I'm gonna follow this up. You know, this could be a great opportunity. You know, more on that later on. What else have I got for you? But I've been on a couple of dating apps, right just having a look, you know, I'd just like to see what's out there. And I think I've got a type and I must have liked a few things because all I'm getting is trans women. It's all I'm getting. If I was into trans women, I would be a happy chappy, let me tell you that. And I'm not saying I'll ever not be into them because because I'm attracted to them. Five foot three. Tell you what though, five foot three, that's a short man. That's a pretty clean transition I reckon into womanhood. If you are listening to this and you want to hear the full version, then please go to patreon dot com forward slash ash Williams Show.

I want to thank who joined this week. We've got Miller still on board with fifty bucks a week. Mila, You're a legend.

And Andrew Andrew D thanks for joining, buddy, and maybe next week I'll talk about the corporate gig because I've already done my time for this pod and the long email that I got with all the things that I couldn't say. But hey, my friends, that is the podcast. Thank you so much for listening. This is the Ash william Show. For the longer, Juicier, Tastier Crumpet episode, go to patreon dot com forward slash.

Ash Williams Show.

And whatever you're doing out there, whether it's you know, using a glory hole or trying to scam a comedian into m seeing your wedding, or you're just looking for a nice guy on a dating app, then I hope you're having fun.

And yeah, that's all I have to say to you. Peace, I'll talk to you next week. Take care of love your BA

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