WHO KNEW CHRISTMAS NEEDED A JEW:
By: Selyna Warren, Marissa Read, and Jason Currie

BERNIE

Wait. What’s happening? 

SANTA

Christmas feels different. 

Something feels new. 

The snow’s whiter, it’s so much brighter,

and it’s all because of you know who…

BERNIE

Wait… are you talking about me?

SANTA

I’ve roasted all the chestnuts,

killed all the Christmas geese!

But it’s been so monotonous delivering world peace. 

Suddenly through your eyes a brand new view.

Who knew Christmas needed a jew?

BERNIE

 - ISH. We prefer jewish, but I think I get what’s going on here. Your next miracle is to be all Barbara and sing - 

SANTA

I’ve whistled all the carols that could ever have been sung.

The chimneys I’ve been sliding down have given me black lung.

BERNIE

Wait, what? I’ve been sliding down chimneys ALL FRIGGEN NIGHT!

SANTA

Look! I know longer have the soot flu.

Who knew Christmas needed a Jew?

BERNIE

Okay, if you think I’m gonna join you in some dorky little diddy then you are absolutely… correct!

I’ve spent every Christmas eating chinese food alone.

“The dark house on the block”,

that’s what they used to call my home.

But with you I thinkI’ve finally got my shot.

Christmas neede a jew, who knew a jew needed Christmas?

 Okay, sorry, I don't have like a magical weed given song gift. I can’t like improvise rhymes on the fly. 

SANTA

Ho ho …. that’s alright!

I’ll bring all the jolly.

BERNIE

And I’ll bring all the oy!

BOTH

We fit together perfectly,

BERNIE

This Hebrew 

SANTA

and this goy!

SANTA

You lit up my yule-tide log and it’s -

BOTH

 - burning bright!


BERNIE

The sleigh is not the only thing that’s - 

BOTH

 - higher than a kite!

A holly jolly mitzvah, yes it’s true!

Who knew -

BERNIE

 - Christmas 

SANTA

Christmas 

REINDEER

Christmas 

BOTH

 - needed a you?

Big thanks to Mood.com our partner in high vibes.
Use code TABLEREAD20 for 20% off at Mood.com.
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WHO KNEW CHRISTMAS NEEDED A JEW: By: Selyna Warren, Marissa Read, and Jason Currie BERNIE Wait. What’s happening?  SANTA Christmas feels different.  Something feels new.  The snow’s whiter, it’s so much brighter, and it’s all because of you know who… BERNIE Wait… are you talking about me? SANTA I’ve roasted all the chestnuts, killed all the Christmas geese! But it’s been so monotonous delivering world peace.  Suddenly through your eyes a brand new view. Who knew Christmas needed a jew? BERNIE  - ISH. We prefer jewish, but I think I get what’s going on here. Your next miracle is to be all Barbara and sing -  SANTA I’ve whistled all the carols that could ever have been sung. The chimneys I’ve been sliding down have given me black lung. BERNIE Wait, what? I’ve been sliding down chimneys ALL FRIGGEN NIGHT! SANTA Look! I know longer have the soot flu. Who knew Christmas needed a Jew? BERNIE Okay, if you think I’m gonna join you in some dorky little diddy then you are absolutely… correct! I’ve spent every Christmas eating chinese food alone. “The dark house on the block”, that’s what they used to call my home. But with you I thinkI’ve finally got my shot. Christmas neede a jew, who knew a jew needed Christmas?  Okay, sorry, I don't have like a magical weed given song gift. I can’t like improvise rhymes on the fly.  SANTA Ho ho …. that’s alright! I’ll bring all the jolly. BERNIE And I’ll bring all the oy! BOTH We fit together perfectly, BERNIE This Hebrew  SANTA and this goy! SANTA You lit up my yule-tide log and it’s - BOTH  - burning bright! BERNIE The sleigh is not the only thing that’s -  BOTH  - higher than a kite! A holly jolly mitzvah, yes it’s true! Who knew - BERNIE  - Christmas  SANTA Christmas  REINDEER Christmas  BOTH  - needed a you? Big thanks to Mood.com our partner in high vibes.
Use code TABLEREAD20 for 20% off at Mood.com.
Legal THC &amp; CBD. Nationwide. You’re welcome.

Cinema for your ears. Performed by Hollywood’s best.

Step inside the studio where Hollywood’s top actors bring award-winning screenplays to life... complete with a full cinematic score, immersive sound design, and the energy of a live performance.

Each episode is a front-row seat to a one-of-a-kind production: 20-plus working actors, world-class scripts from acclaimed writers, and film-quality sound crafted by Emmy-winning producers. It’s not just a podcast... it’s a movie you hear.

Recent guests include Mark Hamill, Rosario Dawson, Ty Burrell, Joe Mantegna, Fred Armisen, and more.

 Produced by Jack Levy, Shaan Sharma, and Mark Knell  Manifest Media.

#1 Fiction Podcast | 2025 Webby, Shorty, and Signal Winner | Cinema for your ears.	

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Cinema for your ears. Performed by Hollywood’s best.Step inside the studio where Hollywood’s top actors bring award-winning screenplays to life... complete with a full cinematic score, immersive sound design, and the energy of a live performance.Each episode is a front-row seat to a one-of-a-kind production: 20-plus working actors, world-class scripts from acclaimed writers, and film-quality sound crafted by Emmy-winning producers. It’s not just a podcast... it’s a movie you hear.Recent guests include Mark Hamill, Rosario Dawson, Ty Burrell, Joe Mantegna, Fred Armisen, and more. Produced by Jack Levy, Shaan Sharma, and Mark Knell Manifest Media.#1 Fiction Podcast | 2025 Webby, Shorty, and Signal Winner | Cinema for your ears.	 👉 <a href="https://www.tablereadpodcast.com" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">TableReadPodcast.com</a>

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Table Read Podcast

"Who Knew Christmas Needed a Jew?" - Original Song from "The Jew Who Saved Christmas"

https://api.omny.fm/orgs/e73c998e-6e60-432f-8610-ae210140c5b1/clips/307a165d-65e4-4d50-8a51-b46401346d26/transcript