Dr. Anton Jessup's Holiday Seclusion

Published Dec 25, 2023, 11:00 AM

In this special Holiday edition of Listener Mail, Dr. Anton Jessup addresses his many Christmas enemies.

Welcome to Stuff to Blow your Mind, a production of iHeartRadio.

Greetings. My name is doctor Anton Jess, professor of Monster Studies here at the University. You know, last night I suffered terrifying nightmares. I was beset by a trio of apparitions intent on teaching me the true meaning of Christmas. Now, as they chose to communicate with me through the medium of dream, it's difficult to make much sense of it at all. I believe the basic idea is that I'm somehow supposed to attend more holiday parties, well at any rate. When I finally woke from all of this, I turned to my assistant Maxwell, and I said, you boy, what day is today? And that's when he whispered that it was, in fact Christmas Day. So Mary, Christmas or otherwise, Happy twenty fifth of December. Let's celebrate by reading a couple of letters from you, my devoted monster lovers.

This first one.

Reads as follows, Venerable Doctor jessop my lover and I, our first year graduate students at the university who have fallen into a rather unfortunate situation. It began last week when our major professor, doctor Armitage, asked us to return a rare and priceless occult book to the university library on his behalf. Eager to please such a distinguished personage, we of course immediately brought the irreplaceable tone back to our apartment and began chanting key passages aloud. It might have been that, in our inexperience, we mispronounced a few pivotal words, or it might have been our non traditional choice of occult pinky rings in hindset the custom made smiling poop emojis symbols on the rings might have functioned suboptimally here. Regardless of the cause, the ritual that were supposed to open a vast subterranean portal to infinite sanity shredding realms only partially worked. Our apartment building, with all of its denizens, plunged downward into the labyrinthine depths beneath our sleepy New England neighborhood and became stuck in what mundane minds would call the sewers. And now we, along with our neighbors, find that our newly subsurfaced building has a vexatious infestation of the chuds, making matters even worse. Doctor armaitage has begun emailing inquiries about the location of his book. The university library has been leaving threatening voicemails about late fees, and we are growing weary of our neighbour's complaints about the toxic, waste riddled creatures that frequently attempt to consume their precious human flesh. Doctor Jessip is their awake to extricate ourselves from this quagmire. My lover argues that we should change our major to anthropology and write a seminal study of Chud customs and feeding habits. But I believe we should try the Eldrick chance in the book again, maybe with more appropriate pinky finger adornments. What do you advise, good sir, in this predicament? Yours in monstrosity, aggrieved beneath Arkham, dear aggrieved, Well, Chuds are in dire need of more research. So far be it from me to dissuade you from this choice. But there is something about an Eldrich tome that demands reading aloud, isn't there? What greater mysteries might it unlock? And indeed, perhaps this would free you from the sewage written environment you find yourselves in. Move on to a deeper, better place. So I would argue to press on. What's the worst that could happen? This next one comes to us from Greg Wood. Greg Wood writes, Dear doctor Jessip, I am the father of three perfect children, and I have an interesting holiday problem. My children are simply too good Santa Claus, it would seem, is not only real, but his gifts are directly proportional to good behavior after all, and my children, again are perfect as such. Each year Santa brings an unsustainable amount of goods to our house, and we simply cannot structurally bear it any longer. How might I stop Santa Claus from coming? I realize that poor behavior on the part of my children would easily solve the problem, but there must be another way. I'm willing to try anything. Sincerely, Greg Wood. Well, Gregword, you have quite a problem on your hands. Santa Claus, you see, cannot be kept out. If it is his intent to gain entry, he can squeeze through the smallest He possesses multiple magical items, including the flower to disappear. I'm afraid the easiest solution may simply be to inspire worse behavior in your children, perhaps via video games or cartools. You know the whole situation could actually be lucrative. During the Gilded Age, many an ambitious robber Bearon made a hefty fortune by inspiring terrible behavior in their children and then profiting off the massive cold dumps that Santa left in their stockings. As such, you might well consider it uninvestment. And now, gentle listeners, we are already out of time. After all, it is Christmas Day. We must turn off this podcast. We must enjoy the holiday as we see fit. I hope yours is monstrously good. End transmission.

Hey, this is Robert. Thanks again to Anton Jessop for filling in for us on this special edition of Listener Mail. Joe and I will be back next week to read the usual listener mails, but you can also send us stuff you want forwarded on to doctor Jessup. Thanks as always to the excellent JJ Possway for producing the show, and you can reach us at contact at stuff to Blow your Mind dot com.

Stuff to Blow Your Mind is production of iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from My Heart Radio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

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