We are running solo today! Cam & Ali have a list of questions and gathered research that can help your relationship, and help long term relationships recalibrate. There arr some funny moments and as always there is real heart and vulnerability.
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Got a question for Cam & Ali? You can email them at separatebathrooms@novapodcasts.com.au.
Hello, and welcome to separate bathrooms. We would like to acknowledge the gadagor people of the Eur nation and give respects to their elders both past. And I'm Ali Daddo.
I'm Cam Dado. Hi, Hi, Hi, how are you.
I'm good.
We're recording this from our home studio.
Yes, today we're at home.
Yeah, and I'm just loving the lens that I'm on. Yeah, it's kind of got that Hollywood.
It's old Hollywood, Vassaline.
Vassoline on the lens, and I'm feeling like this is this is a pretty good thing.
Yeah, you look at least five years younger.
Five.
Yeah, that takes you down to like thirty five.
There you go. Thirty five is the new fifty nine, No, the.
New fIF fifty nine is your midlife still.
Fifty nine fifty nine.
Yeah, that's a great age.
Crowding sixty eight, crowding money. Yeah. There are moments when I do mind.
I know, oh, I know.
What was I looking at the other day someone was talking about I know who it was. It was Hamish Blake. He was talking about if you could have your time again, would you have be a billionaire in your time again? Or would you want your time again. And I think the question was asked of Richard Branson, and Richard Branson said, I can always make the money. I want my time again, right, I'll give up the billionaire because I could do that again. I've already done that one.
That's confidence, isn't it to know that you've done it so you can make your money again.
And to have the time again too. And I think I've been thinking about that for myself, just going it would be interesting to go back and have that time again.
I would love it.
We live that, Yeah, yeah, I'd love it. Why would you love it?
Because I'd love to have the time with the kids again when they were little. Yeah, that's that's it, Like that's everything the main reason. Yeah, so fun. Do you know we thought we would today we do something a little different. So obviously, you know, this is a relationship podcast, and we're always sort of researching, you know, what makes relationships tick, what's good advice relationships? How can we bring that into a discussion or great questions to ask your spouse or your partner. So we it's just the two of us today, so we actually thought we would share some of the research and questions that we have discovered over the years and see if this helps you guys out. So if you want to grab a patten pencils at school something, yeah, message as.
You're walking, you know, just grab your iPhone, go to the notes.
Yeah, or share it with your spouse, share this podcast with your spouse and say, hey, listen to this. This is some stuff we could do to help our relationship, because I think there's some pretty good bits and bobs in here. Yeah.
So one of the ways that we share information is by sending each other Instagram posts. And I was never I mean, how would send me? Like sometimes there'd be ten sitting there waiting for me, and I'd be like, I got to look at these Instagram posts? Do I really have time for this? But then I think you sent me one of those instagrat posts was about their pebbles or their breadcrumbs, and they are helping me understand or you are helping me understand you better by sending me what interests you.
I send it. And I sent that same that same information to the kids as well as like, this is like a little love note to you that I'm thinking about you. And here's a little video that I thought you might find interesting because I don't find stuff that I find like I will send you golf videos or I'll send river baking videos or you know. So it's just yeah, it's a little it's a little love note pebble that I send your way to go here go. I thought you might enjoy this.
Well, it's changed my perception of those posts now. Yeah, I look at every single one and most of them are funny. Yes, and then I obviously am reciprocating and sending them back to you. Yeah, not those ones back, but the ones that I'm finding are curiously funny.
Yes.
And it's a great dialogue, yeah, that we're having so often these As Al said, these posts are maybe ideas for topics of discussion for us to talk about with you on separate bathrooms. So where do you want to start.
Well, I've got the list of questions and things and topics that we can just run through and share them out and see if any of these resonate with the listener.
Our furnish me with this list just prior to rolling on this and so I'm looking at these questions for the first time.
That's some good ones. Yeah, it's just sort of like questions to get, you know, to create more intimacy.
Okay, so here's question one. Yeah, here's question one. What's your favorite weird habit of mine?
Yeah, I know, I'm already stomped a favorite weird habit?
Well, is there a weird habit? Let's have to do favorite.
So many habits, weird habits, weird habits.
While you're thinking, I can give you one of me. Yeah, what's the first one that came to mind?
Yeah?
Your your particular way of making a cup of tea. Oh, some would say that's a weird habit.
Yeah, probably, But is it a favorite of yours?
Well, it's become that because I've watched you so many make so many cups of tea that I try to copy.
That you do, and you've done well.
Now it's changed, though, hasn't it. It's only been in the in the last six months.
It's brilliant.
I'm making you proper cups of the best, the best.
You've learned from, You've learned from the master to make the best.
The tea snob. We call it tea snob.
I wear that label proudly.
Oh I'm glad, I'm glad. I'm glad you dig in my cups. I'm making you.
I think the first thing that comes to mind for me isn't and I've said I think I shared this in the last podcast. Actually, and it's it's wild that I'm now being able to say this because it's shifted. Is it's the habit of how your brain works, like I'm actually it is now my favorite thing now that I understand it, of how your brain functions, I can and I know your how your train of thought goes. It's actually become a bit of a favorite thing about you. For me. It's like I is so weird, but it's so interesting. It's so like, wow, I don't know anyone else that thinks like that.
Okay, well, now I've established my My brain's like a flow chart. It's literally like year nine maths, a flow chart. Things go yes, no, oh, follow that one, follow this one. Oh, there's a track, I'll go over that way. That's how I end up on those.
Weird I think you would have failed miserably if that was the flow chart you hand it into your math teacher, because it is a flow chart that goes.
You know, maths. My mates when we play golf just goes. Don't give him the school.
Don't give him this.
Don't let daddo keep score.
Now, okay, question, here's another good one if I lost my memory, What would be the first thing that you would tell me about us?
About us? Yeah, oh wow, I would say that, believe it or not, we have been married for over thirty years. Yeah, and we have three of the most amazing children. Yeah, that would be the first thing I would tell you. Yeah, so before you know, just know that as I come up to you and go to hug you, yeah, right, that we've actually done this for a long time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes, amazing.
Yes, And what would you tell me about us?
I would say, you are married to the most incredible human ever to walk the face of the earth. And I try to convince you of that.
You mean I couldn't see that, I can see it.
I would probably say.
Yeah.
Those would be the first things. That we've been married for a long time time, we have three children, and that we've lived in other countries. This isn't you know, This isn't we've lived in Yeah, many, We've traveled to a lot of places and seen a lot of things and been through some really really hard times and come out the other side.
It's nice. Yeah, this is a great question. How do you think I've changed since we first met?
Look, I don't intrinsically, you are absolutely the same person. Like you're very, very similar to when I first met you, except for one thing, which I think is what's the biggest thing. There's other things that have changed as well, in small ways perhaps, but you have become a way better listener and more curious about other people.
Okay, yeah, that's something I've been working on.
I know, and you've you're succeeding.
Okay, that's good. I want to be a better human. Yeah, ask me the question now.
Oh god, I don't know if I want to ask you? How do you think I've changed since we first met?
I don't think much the same way. I don't think you've really the innate you has changed. You've always been loving, You've always been kind, playful, love a laugh. I think the most important and biggest change that you've made is you're not as much as a is. You're not the people pleaser that you were.
Right back in the day, and I've been working on that.
Yeah, you you have no issues standing up for what's right, you know, it's that moment it's that thing of don't mistake my kindness for weakness. And I think that definitely that's how you've changed, because when I first met you, you were not like that. Yeah, to bend over backwards, to do whatever, absolutely absolutely agreed. Agreed. Good, some good evolution there.
So, if there's one thing you wish people knew about me, what would it be?
One thing people knew about you? I think they're starting to get to know you, how delightful you are, yeah, and how much you care, how deeply you care. I think that it's very easy to when we do it, you know, make these broad assumptions about someone after we've only seen them or met them. Ah, yeah you know that person's a model, or yeah she's pretty. She would care. Though. I think people who get to know you really understand how you appreciate and are grateful for a depth of friendship.
Oh that's lovely.
Yeah. I want people to know you in how deeply you feel and how much you yeah, appreciate friendships. Yeah. Yeah. What about if there's one thing you wish people knew about me? What would it be? Yeah?
I think it would be that you're a lot more spiritual and a deeper thinker than people realize. Like I think you come you're laughing.
Do I come across as just flighty?
Not flighty, but sometimes a bit fluffy, maybe a bit sort of light and fluffy, you know, Cameron, Dodo Smooth or them, you know, like, you know, just like light. But that's part of your charm as well. You can process sort of you know, light and fluffy sometimes and there's a whole other side to you. That's a good thing. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. I don't know how often you share your deep thoughts with a lot of people, or you know that your spirituality with people. I think that that's something that you keep fairly you know, sacred and to yourself.
Yes, well I'm a pasties Yeah. Yeah, so I'd swim in deep water.
Oh there you go. There's some depth for you all right now.
No, I think that's very kind of you to say that and to acknowledge that. Yes, I do think deeply about things, sometimes a little bit too much. Yeah, do often share it? Maybe not.
I really loved those questions. I pulled them from the Internet. I thought I'd never ever thought about those questions to ask and to sort of see them written down. I'm like, I really want to ask those questions of you. So I loved those ones particularly. Then I just took some information about travel because we've had a couple of short but sweet trips of late, and they've just been so lovely to get away with you. And I've just got some facts about travel. You want to share some of that. There's a seven percent increase in life satisfaction if you travel more.
That makes sense, Yeah, because you're gaining experience, Yeah, broadening yourself. All right, what about this one?
This is important.
Women who take vacations frequently are less likely to become depressed, and I'm more satisfied with their relationships. Would you agree with that.
I did not make that up. That that was a fact from Instagram, and Instagram is never wrong.
It must be true.
I actually don't know where they these facts are coming.
From, but I thought it wouldn't makes sense.
It makes sense because I know that for myself, and I know that for my girlfriends that that little time away from hubby or partner or kids can really just do a big reset. I'm sure for the fellows as well. You know, but women do tend to be the deep homemakers of the partnership and sometimes they got to have that break.
Okay, Well, from a fellow's perspective on that, I think boys' trips like a golf trip or surfing trip or fishing trip, weekend away is hugely beneficial as well.
Yeah, but is it beneficial to the relationship.
Depends on the fellas you go with exactly. You know what you're getting up to. But I, in my experience, the way it is when I have my annual trip with my mates from Madaliza, the guys I grew up with and went to school with, I think I come back better in our relationship because I've had an opportunity to sometimes blow off with those guys, just talk about stuff and probably more importantly, hear what they're going through as well.
Well, it wasn't They didn't say that on Instagram, So I don't know if that's true. I only know it's best for women.
Of course, So see I'm dealing with.
All right. Fifty one percent of traveling couples have more love in a one week vacation than they do in eight weeks at home.
Well that makes of course, that's the way because you're not surrounded by all the minutia of home, and you're in some hot hotel room designed by a forty year old dude who wants to be a little colored glass and sexy, and you're are you talking about when you go away for that weekend? That one week.
Away you're in every camping in a tent?
That is crazy. But I'm just saying from one perspective, that's a weird perspective. But don't you think though, Not that we've stayed in many boutique hotels, but but a lot of them are these days kind of like feel like they've been designed by by a young architect, you know, with sliding panels and case in point, the hotel we stayed out last week and with its sliding petition, one slide side went across to the covered up the toilet, but then that was opening up the shower and the other side was open, closing the shower but opening up the toilet.
It's sort of but I don't sit there going this young architect guy with groovy glasses on, has.
Design this thing to get that is stimulated for a hot weekend. No hotel, you don't think.
So, No, I don't think that that's.
That's that's how my brain works. Yeah, it's the colored glass and the low lighting.
Okay, all right, let's go next fact, keep it moving. Yeah, ninety four percent of couples who travel together feel very close to one another, compared to eighty six of couples who don't.
Why do you think that is Well, it's the same.
Thing, isn't it Like you're experiencing something together, often for the first time. If you're traveling to a new country, you're eating at a new place, you're seeing new things.
So you know, you've still leaning on each other as well, aren't you.
Yeah, forward facing together. You know. It's so it's such a great thing. It's such a great thing for couples to if they can get away question for you, then even staycation like.
They're the best. Yeah, you know, it's just a little breather and take some time away. I love traveling with you, that's the point.
And I love traveling with.
I would do a great escape like going through all that because I mean just the stories you would have would be awesome.
Yeah, well that's kind of that's it on travel. So then I found ten check in questions for you and your partner that you can do at the end of each week you set aside, like, you know, half an hour, thirty minutes. And this is from this one particular relationship instagram that I follow, And this is this husband and wife who've come up with these ten questions. I don't think we should answer them for ourselves, but these are just the questions that they suggest have worked for them really well.
All right, well here's this is question number one of check in question for you and your partner. What's something you appreciate me for this week?
I think that's really lovely. I think that's so nice to ask that.
Yeah.
Yeah, number two, what's something you're proud of yourself for this week? So beautiful?
Ye?
Is there anything left unsaid? So let's finish it?
That's a ripper.
That's a good question.
Oh I love this one too. What have you been trying to tell me that I haven't been hearing?
Yes, that's a great question.
Yeah. This would also be really good for the kids, you know, to ask your kids.
Do you need to see boundaries around or parameters around how you're answering these questions? I mean, because there's some of them, you could get pretty pointed and might end up in a bit of a barney buy well, I.
Think you'd have to No, I would hope not. I'd hope that you would be if the goal is to create more intimacy and closeness, than I would hope that the other partner would understand that in those questions that it would be you'd be aligned in that.
I think listening is that is eighty percent of the equation here, because you're asking the question, you want to listen to the answers. Do you have needs that are not getting met that I can do something about? Yeah?
Nice?
Shall I answer that? No?
Number six, what's going well in our relationship?
I can answer that.
That's nice. Let's have a positive.
How did you know that question five wasn't going to be a positive answer? That's okay? Yeah, what are you committed to this week?
Yeah, that's a great question, I know, because it could go all sorts of places. There's another one. Number eight is how are we prioritized as in intimacy this week?
Very important? So question nine is more about sort of a logistical question. What are the planning and logistical things do we have to do this week? Because it's always good to have a plan.
Yeah, and that's what we always ask each other what have you got this week? So I know a lot of people share their calendar as well, which I think is really smart, so you can see what all the moving pieces and you're not sort of planning things when the other partner's got stuff to do.
We share our calendar and it is literally a calendar hanging on the hall.
Yeah, it's so smart, Like this year is from Ireland?
Are we are we ever going to go into iCal or one of those.
Sort of you don't use that you you write in an actual Still, I still have a diary.
I still use my big, big old diary that ends up looking like and Dog's Breakfast by the end of the year.
But ten is how can I support you this week?
It's a great question, It's lovely.
So I loved all of those and they're easy questions to ask, you know, when they just gets you deeper with your partner, especially when you feel like you're you know, when you feel like you're just two floating people in the house and not you've lost the connection. And we've had a lot of I can't say a lot, but we have had some listeners write in about that, saying that we've been married for this long lost connection I don't know what's going on. How do we get back? It's it's it's you know, as always, it's communication. And if these questions help, I think that's really good.
I think they will. I think they will. And where are we going next? If you plan to be married a long time? And who doesn't stand at the altar with your with your love? Yeah, and not planned to be married a long time, I don't know that anyone would bother, would they? Aside from if we were doing it when we were ninety years old? Oh? True?
But even then you'd be like till the end of my life. Yeah, yeah, that's true. I would think that everyone would be planning to stay.
Yeah. So if you plan to be married a long time, get more comfortable saying these things correct. Number one, you're right, I didn't get that done as i'd promised. I know it was important to you, and I'm gonna get it done today. Yeah that's pretty cool.
That's good right. Number two, I'm sorry I got defensive and didn't hear you out. Can you share that again so I can understand what you need?
Yeah, it's a beauty. Number three, I realized I was snappy and short with you. I have some other things I'm overwhelmed by and you didn't deserve that. I'm sorry. So yeah, there's a lot of that art of apology happening here. To get comfortable saying, get comfy apologizing.
And then number four, I know you have been working so hard lately, and I want you to know I see and appreciate everything you are doing for our family.
That's a big one.
When I read that one, I was like, that's a Cameron Dado love language one. You like that, you like it?
I do? I know I do, because you put a lot of time and effort and you know, and in this crazy entertainment business, there's a lot of thinking time that looks like you're doing nothing, but you're kind of conceiving and dreaming. And yeah, so that's that's a nice one. We all like to be seen.
And also, you know, just to shout out to you know, working hard also means being a stay at home mum.
Correct.
It doesn't mean that you're in the office working long hours. It can mean you are work king twenty four to seven hours, being at home with your babies.
Taking care of the treasures.
Plus, and you got the working mums who are also raising kids. So it's like, yeah.
You always bring that perspective in and it's very much appreciated by I'm sure by the people that are going through it and also to be reminded of it. Yeah, you know, as someone who's being important. I feel like I just need to vent about some things I'm overwhelmed by. Oh this is this is the important part here. Could you just listen to me vent for a few minutes.
Yep, we do this. It's so helpful. It is so helpful.
And then the addendum to that one is what do you want me to give you a solution or do you just want me to be a listen?
Yeah, yeah, that's a greater addendum. I noticed that I've been more critical and nitpicky lately, and that's not enjoyable at home. I'm going to focus more on the positive. Yeah, ringing true, don't say I know, don't say I know.
Yeah, but I'm guilty of it too, are guilty of getting nitpicky.
But yeah, I know, we can I know I can get about that. I can get.
I'll bust my I'll bust my bust myself. As you know, well, those longtime listeners will know that I've spent quite a bit of time away from home, and when I come home, I have been guilty of being nitpicky about how the state of the house yeap, or what's not done and that's taking me years to get with and to not do it yeah, and just to go no, it's okay, everything is okay, and to not pick the crap out of stuff.
Yeah.
So yeah, yeah, and I think there's yeah, I think there's usually definitely an underlying issue that's going on, Like if you're feeling overwhelmed and out of control, if I'm if I'm feeling overwhelmed and out of control with stuff, then you try to control.
I try to control something. So it might be like, oh, don't do it like that, do it like this? Or why did you buy pink Lady apples instead of jazz when you know the jazz are the best apples right now?
To you, to you, I still stand by the pink Ladies.
No, they're not at the moment, they're not. They're soft at right now. This is important.
This. This is also what happens if I haven't if I'm missed out on a job that I've wanted, an auditioned hard for it, or something what's the first thing that I do after I have not had the control over that outcome? What do you think that I do?
Ah, I don't know.
Come on, this is this is the game show question. This is the well I.
Know, I know sometimes you come home and you get mad at the kids. That was something you used to do.
Well, that's awful. Yeah, guilty of that occasionally, hopefully not too often.
Oh you go and clip the bushes?
Correct?
Yes, yes, you go outside with the pruning sears. I just had the whole visual and I'm.
Like that tree. That's true.
Another one is, I know we've been so busy lately and haven't made time for us. Let's plan qual time this week.
Yeah, that's a beauty.
It's a ripper.
We should do that. Plan some quality time this week.
I know we are well after this, we're going out for lunch.
Remember we are we are all right. As a couple's therapist, Oh this is someone I'm just going I'm reading a head. Yeah no, go ahead, Okay, so as a couple's therapist, but you are not so another am I? So this has come out of where?
Yeah? Yeah, this is an actual therapist who's posted this.
Okay, so a therapist posted this as a couple's therapist. I noticed seven patterns in couples who made it the first pattern, so this is positive. They have boundaries with family, they're good friends. Okay, they've been through really dark times.
Yeah, and I think that's how obviously, how you come out of it. You know, there's more to it than that, obviously. But yeah, they let each other be themselves.
Yeah, that's that's that's a really important one. They had difficult conversations. Yep, I reckon, We've been through some questions here that might create some difficult conversations.
Do you think between us?
No, No, No, they're pretty good at it. I think we're actually pretty good at it. Yeah, but there's always difficult conversations. That's the thing I'm understanding more about these days, that that we there's always some kind of crap to go through. Even when things are going really great, there's still there's still crap. There's always going to be crap. Yeah, So it's just like just accept it and go, yeah, oh this is what I'm dealing with today. Yeah. Other than instead of saying oh why me, or why this again? Or why it's like no, this is here to teach us. Yeah, that's difficult conversation.
And one of the patterns in couples who is also that they fight, which you kind of go, await what, But she says, they get on each other's nerves. They fight, they're frustrated with each other at times, but they know how to navigate conflict and they bounce back and move forward. And that is so true. I think that there's a big difference between when people say we never never never fight, which is which. And there's a lot of couples that don't and it's awesome and they get on like a house on fire. But there's the couples that don't fight because they don't address things that doesn't you know, all that stuff that gets swept under the carpet. Or they fight and they fight ugly and it's nasty.
Yeah. The seventh one, the seventh pattern is they made light of each other's quirks.
We excel at that.
I'm a bit flowery, I'm a bit.
Loopy feet fluffy fee darling.
Flowering, either of them. They all smell good. Hey, just before we go. Something that I found It was a list from the Cleveland Academy of Medicine and it was written in the nineteen thirties, and it was about mental health rules thirty nineteen thirties. So that's almost creeping up to one hundred years ago. And we think we've evolved, we think we've moved on, But these mental health rules written in the nineteen thirties are still very similar to now. Of course they are. So the first one, have a hobby, share your thoughts, face your fears. And the one that I love, which is the last one, is trust in time, be patient and hopeful. Time is a great therapist. That's beautiful.
They were smart back then.
Smart back then, smart now. Yeah, and you're smart for listening to separate bathrooms.
Oh look, there's been some gems in there someway, even if it's just one of those questions that might sort of create a little spark for you at home with you know, your partner, your child, your best friend, your mum, whoever. But I think that there's some rippers in this. Hopefully you've gleaned something from it.
I'm keeping the list. Yeah, ready to go have some lunch. We'll ask each other three questions. You can choose three questions from all the questions while we eat lunch. Okay, great, I love spending time with you.
Oh thanks.
I love having these conversations. They're really fun. They have fun. We'll catch up with you next time our separate bathrooms.
Thanks for listening.