Ridiculous CrimeWant to get away from it all? Start your own country? Fight some Dutchmen? Go up against the British crown? That's what Paddy Roy Bates did when he founded Sealand, an island nation off the coast of England. Come for the pirate radio, stay for the dodgy passports!
Ridiculous crime. It's a production of iHeartRadio.
Zaren Elizabeth Saren be really quiet because I saw like two security guards earlier.
I dropped so many tools in the basement. I saw for sure they'd hear him. But it was just you turning every time.
Oh yeah it was me. Maybe I was, you know, I think it was my reflection. I didn't see secret that you. I got itror Cool, We go ahead record. Have you ever been surrounded by chaos and just want to get away?
Oh? Yeah, I've been to a family event.
Yeah, totally. So like I mean imagine, like maybe you're sitting in an airport. Someone could be sitting in an airport right now, Oh, totally packed in. Well, someone saves six seats at the gate for family members. Yeah, you probably don't exist, you know. And then like and because you never see him come back, and like folks are coffing with open mouths and water costs twelve dollars.
So you're like, oh god, I finished that place.
Maybe you're in stop and go traffic on the freeway and you're watching the driver in front of you litter and there's like a storm approaching from the west, and your head hurts and some joker keeps trying to change lanes like it's going to get them there anything.
Yeah, maybe I'm not a patient driver in holiday traffic.
No, maybe, no, you're not. Maybe you're looking at the state of the world, kind of wanting to just opt out of the crazy, avoid the news like I do, dreading each new weird development, wondering if there's a drone above you or the constellation O'Bryan, feeling like rules only apply to you and no one else. You ever feel like that? Oh yeah, maybe you're sitting at your job, watching the clock, listening to like inane conversations in the longest of the year long, chasing arbitrary deadlines, letting calls go to voicemail, marveling to yourself at each indignity about that you'll do for a dollar maybe maybe anyway, So maybe you want to get away. Maybe you want to go somewhere that's just your own. You ever want that, your own private Idaho, your own private island. You don't have to be Richard Branson to get your own.
Thank God, you can be. You don't want to do, not want to be rich just the Choppersess, I don't want to look in the mirror and see that smarmy look looking back.
Apparently he owns his private island, and I guess he bought it as like a joke, like someone wanted millions for it ages ago, and he lowballed an offer and they took it, and all of a sudden, okay island. But like, yeah, he's so like Austin Powers. Anyway, Richard Branson has an island. Did you know who else? Patty Roy Bates. Oh yeah, he's a pirate radio empresario and founder of the Nation of not Islam Sealandan p. Yeah, so he and his family they claimed an old British naval fort located off the shore of England. I told you about this radio, the water and island. They called this German sea Land. Yeah, the Germans showed up amazing. So I thought about Sea Land recently because you were part of a show called Zakistan. Oh yeah, yeah. It's about a micronation, or like micronations in general. I love how bonkers those are.
Totally. Ryan Murdock and Gabby Watson I talk all about it and they go on to deep dive like they go to micro con. It's great.
Yeah, it's so fascinating to me, and like there was a time when it was easy to go and claim someone else's land is yours, and like create a country and do what you want.
Hundreds of years for ages, you.
Can't really do that anymore. You can buy you can buy land in the US, but you don't own it completely. It's on us soil exactly, I want my own soil, for crying out.
We got to do, Marlon Brando, buy an island in a place where you're like, people are like, we wish we didn't sell them that island. It's too late.
Now we got the paperwork we could probably I don't know this. The whole head orders is empty. And if we go from desk to desk and collect like loose change.
Johnny Depp has an island. See if I say, we get close to him, get him to sign some paperwork over he's.
Not paying attention to But can we make it our own?
We're like you schmoothed an island out of Johnny Depp. Everyone would love that.
I bet I go through and I lift up keyboards and computers. Maybe someone's got like a bitcoin pass on.
The like we forgot about it.
I forgot okay, so let's do that. When we're done here. There are some who pull off this. I want to have my own land, sea lands one of them. So for those who want to get away, those who crave their own government pace structures, the blueprint sea land or seaaland. And it wasn't without drama, remember the Germans, Germans, and it wasn't without crime. But you know what, the good stuff never is. So I present to you, Zarin, it's a country, if we say so, the island nation of sea lands. And by the way, I know they don't make them anymore, but I would love to hold a sealand passport.
Oh hell yeah, maybe just fakes them up. What do they do with sue us?
Good point? Well, Zaren?
Oh hey, what's up, Elizabeth?
You know it's ridiculous, Oh girl, do I Okay, Sir Hugh Beaver, So, Sir Beaver, he was the managing director for Guinness Brewery. Okay, now this dude, Sir Beaver, he noted down at the pub there was always these arguments and they often came down to something that was an easily verifiable fact, and he thought this was just ridiculous. So he asked his employer to help him compile all of the facts he could find into a book to end bar fights. He wanted to bring peace to the pub. That book was eventually called the Guinness Book of World Records. Oh yeah, all right, so, and now it's basically to become like this compendium of stud be human tricks. But originally it was supposed to bring peace to the pub?
Did it for a while?
I don't know.
I don't say, well, it just issued challenges. Probably. Yeah, that is ridiculous, ridiculous. You know what else is ridiculous? But please don't taking over an abandoned seafort and making it your own country. Ooh, can I get how to on this ridiculously awesome? Yeah? This is Ridiculous Crime A podcast about absurd and outrageous capers, heists, and cons. It's always ninety nine percent murder free and one ridiculous. Today, I'm going to tell you about an absolute outrageous caper. Comes to us from a listener. Dustin Pyle recommended this one. We're going to talk about stealing an island, and we're going to talk about a rogue invented nation. So far we're talking international intrigue. Okay, and it all begins with pirate radio.
How am I not involved in this story?
Well, zaren, I know you like pirates, yes, and I love radio and I know you like radio. What do you think about pirate radio? Are? Now you already know this, but I'm going to explain it to you again. I'm going to a woman's plain please in a way.
It's like at last, so it crossed my legs.
Pirate radio stations are those that operate without a broadcast license. You know that right, Well, now you do. Without a license, stations have to camp out on unused frequencies and that's called wave piracy. Yes, so in the UK, the piracy part of the term was also a nod to the fact that, up until the seventies a lot of these people operated stations from ships at sea, marine platforms, that sort of thing.
Oh, so it was literal.
So they're on these marine platforms. What do I mean by that? Well, let me tell you disused naval forts.
That's a thing, disused naval forts in the sea. Yeah, because sub platforms. Sure, okay, not really. During World War Two the English built these things called Monsole forts, and they were named after Guy or Ghee Monsel, who m a U. N. S. E.
L L. So they build these things called monsole Forts. They're in like the North Sea. When I say like they're in the North Sea, I didn't need that qualifier. And there were ways to defend the Thames Estuary from Nazi attacks. Okay, so you know you don't want them coming up and so.
Wait, you're going to get into the Thames from the North Sea.
Yeah, they're in part of it. Okay, they could just like go up the Thames and crawl up the skirt of.
England just because quite how I pictured it.
But it's very effective, thank you, good good metaphor.
So these I'm just I like to paint visual pictures and you did, girl, so a lot these monsole forts. They look a lot like the at ats in Star Wars. Oh okay, all terrained armored transports.
Yeah, like the big mechanical robot dinosaurs.
So here in Oakland, we absolutely love to say that the container cranes at the Port of Oakland, which are rad looking, were the inspiration for the at at.
Walkers, don't tell me that's not true.
People have been saying this for years. But one of my favorite journalists, Peter hart Love at the San Francisco Chronicle, oh lord, he was able to ask George Lucas himself, no, in two thousand and eight, I'm not listening, and it turns out the Oakland cranes had nothing to do. I'm so sorry for where.
Is that true? That can't be true. He has said that like Degoba is named after, but Diego Bay, he took those cranes, he said, at least as far as I was aware. He has said that the cranes were an.
Inspiration because he has no respect for Oakland.
No, I'm telling you.
But you know what, that's why we're this amazing underdog city. You know, people who know no town.
So uh.
He said that the ad Ads were inspired by this millange of structures and contraptions. Milange, I put that in there. Okay, that's not a quote.
Didn't seem like very Lucas.
It's an amalgamation. So I think that Monsole forts uh influenced the ad at design. That's where I'm going with this. That when I looked at a picture there. So there are two types of these forts. There are naval forts and army forts, and they're both on water. But the army forts are the ones that look like ad Ads, not the naval ones just want to put that out there. They're just like the army ones are like big boxes on stillt legs.
Are these metal cement what are we talking metal?
A combination combob.
Do they look like it's more like say an oil refinery out on the water. They look more like you know, cement like James Bond sub base.
The naval forts look like a combination between oil refineries and a Bond Villain base. And the army forts look like at ads.
Okay, thank you, there you go.
They at at ones. The army ones they kind of look like they're like loping off through the waves in the distance when you see pictures. The naval ones are substantial. They are biggins. So they have these huge, massive towers that lift up out of the water and they have this like cement pontoon at the bottom that gets sunk down and holds it oh okay to the floor talking yeah, and like the the structure isn't too dissimilar in shape from the above deck on a naval destroyer, like the top part of it that goes on top of the towers. They resemble like we said, oil platforms. Those are also found in the North Sea, but further up. So I'm going to post a picture of these just so everyone can get a good sense. But there were four monsole naval forts that were built. Rough Sands was the name of one. Sunkhead Okay, Tongue Sands and knock John.
What these names?
They just drew them out of a hat. I mean, I suppose the head is like a sunkhead, is like the head of the mouth of the river, beach head John.
But knock John, that's the one that jumps out.
So I mean the other ones involve sand. So sure. So the forts, as I'm giving this docent tour, they better hire me for this sort of stuff. The forts have a concrete pontoon base.
Excellent.
The towers are sixty feet tall twenty four feet in diameter, I said Biggins. Each tower has seven floors, so we've established that. And that's where there's crew quarters, storage, operational type things, generators, fresh water tanks. There's a landing jetty called a Dolphin, and then there's like a crane to pick up supplies. The big deck, like I said, kind of sits on top of the towers. Total area including the hollow towers ten thousand square feet. Damn yeah, and the towers were initially built to house two hundred to three hundred people. That's cramming them in there, though, I got it.
Like submarine style, so humans into this silver too.
Like sardines. The four I want to tell you about is rough Sands. Okay, we'll get to knock John in a bit, but rough Sands, that's the one we're focusing on today. That one was built to protect the town of ipswich.
Ah ipswitch clams, yeah.
And flipping those ip switches. And it sits about six nautical miles from the coast. To answer your previous question, you can put your.
Hand down now, yes, thank you. My arm was hurting.
So rough Sands, six nautical miles from the coast, write that down. Picking about everybody in the world, the fort saw like legit action in World War Two. Well, I think they all kind of got together, they banded together and brought down a boat. But I can only find that they took down one German boat. Was there that their mere presence was threatening.
They were like scarecrows of the sea exactly.
So it gets abandoned in nineteen forty eight, but it was nineteen sixty six that became a banner year for rough Sands. Okay zaren, Yes, I want you to close your eyes and I want you to picture it. Christmas Eve nineteen sixty six. Two men, a father and son sit in a dinghy in the North Sea, just off the southeast coast of England. The sea is unusually calm. One of them hums a song while the other pilots the craft toward a large structure ahead rough Sands Naval Bass. They reached the base, tie off on the tower and climb the ladder toward the entry points. There are already people on the base. Now, those are the good folks at Radio Caroline. So Radio Caroline is a legit station now, but it began life as a pirate radio frequency, and they were really groundbreaking because they played continuous pop songs all day, and the legal stations were like the state run BBC ones, and so they had to play like a mix of stuff to appeal to all of the public.
Playing like folk tunes and opera and we're just going to play the.
Gardening shows and talk. And then they would also play like kind of lame ripoffs of current music. It on like the banjo exactly. Radio Caroline wanted to get loose many and they wanted to count of that stuffy old programming. They're like, loosen your ties, guys. They operated off of ships just off the coast of England and they could reach almost all of the UK and parts of the Irish Republic damn there. And they were hit makers. They would play things that got so much you know, uh, so many listeners, so much listeners that you know, people would you know, go out and buy the records.
And so they hit the charts. Because so now we're the record companies and the artists trying to appeal to them. Have they figured this out?
Yeah? And and the thing is they start getting all this competition. So there are American interests they're funding like stations off the coast, and because they know they can drive sales, so more and more of these stations are popping up and they're shaping the culture and the popular music landscape. And they're also fighting over the nautical landscape. So the stations realized that, like they they could have fixed bases in the actual abandoned bases, and so they started squatting them to take them over. But don't forget there aren't many of them. Yeah, four four naval ones, four army ones. Now this means that there's a number of skirmishes and armed hijackings of the.
Courts between like rival pirates.
Yes, there's like literal piracy going on.
So they had like actual pirate vanguards landing and then doing it getting into like fights and clashes. Now do they have swords?
They have weaponry.
They have real weaponry. And now are they doing like gunfights? Are like more like your clubs and sticks, a little.
Bit of everything. Okay, they did, So this is going to bring us back to Christmas Eve nineteen sixty six. Patty Roy Bates and his teenage son Michael, they're the ones in the dinghy. Now, they had a pirate station that they called Radio.
Essex Station two.
Yeah, they said that they were the first twenty four hour pirate radio station and they had already set up on the abandoned knock John Ford. Okay, so they're out at knock John. The problem was that knock John is within three nautical miles of the coast. That means that it's in British territorial waters. Now remember how far did you write this down? How far away is rough Sands?
Four is four nautical miles. It's six six. I still got my first guest notes guess.
Six nautical miles. So that meant that that was in international waters, yes, knock John British territorial waters, and that meant that the UK could shut it down and they had the authority to do it. So the British government has no authority over rough Sands. Roy and Michael. They decide to set up shop there, so they're going to move their operations from knock John to rough Sands. This is like gibberish. That's okay. The only problem is that Radio Caroline the previously mentioned they were already set up there. They had they were using rough Sands as an outpost, so they weren't broadcasting from there. These people it was like a way station where they could have supplies dropped off and then their boats could come and power.
Oh okay, just like a supply station.
Roy and Michael they get there. They scale the metal ladder rungs, make it to the platform, same method by the way that they took knock John. Because they had to kick someone out of knock John to take it. They take it by force. One of the Radio Caroline dudes has a rifle for protection and uh, you know, because the pirate radio wars are heaten up, but they're no match for Roy and Michael. Now it's not clear if Roy and Michael were armed as well, but the two of them were able to corral the Caroline folks and escort them back to dry Land.
Are these like hippies?
They kind of think that maybe they're. Yeah, they're like in earth shoes, shaggy hair.
There's some long hairrison bergenstocks.
They're like, look, man, they lose their footing on the deck because their foot comes out of the birkenstocks. Uh you know, no cap on birkenstocks.
But no, you're wearing some right now on my hands.
And so they get them to dry Land. Roy eventually brings his radio transmitter equipment to rough Sands, but he winds up never broadcasting from there. Okay, so he takes it by force and then it's like okay.
But also they're broadcasting twenty four hours. Do they have like staff? Are they running this themselves?
It's the wife gotation. It's a family operation. Now, Radio Caroline. They're not going to go quietly. They tried a bunch of times to reclaim the fort no avail. Others tried other you know, like invaders tried to come up the ladder. They thought them off.
Hippie Sam Bellamy trying to not exactly.
The Bates clan just they were too hard boiled, and they had firearms. They had Molotov cocktails that they would use against invader. They had homemade projectiles.
Potato guns.
That's exactly what I was thinking when I read homemade projectiles, and like, I started looking out the window wistfully and imagining potato guns. I knew someone who they built a potato gun and fired it out of their apartment window at a punk house, and they used to fire it at garbage trucks because they were They said, they were slow moving and loosely affiliated with the government, and that's why they targeted them. So they've got firearms, they got Molotov cocktails, they got homemade projectiles. Baby, they got a dream. And when we come back from this intrusive commercial break, I'm going to tell you about this dream and all of it's ridiculous glory.
He is Aaron, Oh hey, I'm still here.
Yeah. Well, when we left off Patti Roy Bates and his.
Son Michael, Yeah, I'm taking notes.
They had hijacked a decommissioned naval outpost in the North Sea, ostensibly to use for a pirate radio station base. Let's come back to that in a bit. First, I want to tell you about an investment opportunity. No, I want to tell you about Roy Bates, a real character. You know I love characters, So Patti Roy Bates born August twenty ninth, nineteen twenty one. He was one of only He was the only one of five siblings to survive past early childhood rough stuff, tough. He leaves home to go fight for the International Brigade in the Spanish Civil War. Good now, yep, he comes back. He's fifteen. Yeah, and that was really crazy fighting.
Yeah, exactly, a lot of casualties.
So he comes back and he winds up fighting in World War Two as well, goes to Italy, North Africa, Iraq, Syria. He does the whole tour. He was a prisoner of war twice. The second time his plane crashed on the Isle of Rhodes and he was taken prisoner by Greek fascists, but he was rescued from a firing squad by a quote passing German officer. How does that work? That makes no sense to me, Like why I would imagine that the passing German officer would see a British soldier and be like line him up. I don't know. So maybe the guy had a change of heart anyway.
Maybe he look cute.
It could be he was smoking hot. The soldiers like, oh, save that one from this once again, smoking hot, too pretty, you're so pretty talk. He was wounded multiple times and he survived malaria, sandfly fever, and frostbite.
Okay, I'm starting to see why he was winning the Pirate Wars. Yeah, like pirate radio that nothing.
Is it hard boiled? So after the war he goes and starts importing meat from the Irish Republic into Northern Ireland, just general meats. And he also imports rubber from Malaysia.
So was he doing this like import export?
I think there are huge quotation marks around import exports. He also ran a chain of butcher.
Shops, which we all know said cash business.
So in the early sixties he also fished for decorative seaweed. I don't even know what that is. That he sold to Floris in the US and Canada.
The decorative seaweed that we you'd love over here. You know the other day I was going to get you a Hey, it's Tuesday, here's some decorative seaweed to cheer up your day. Yeah, couldn't find any because it was sold out. That's how much we love it.
Well. So the other day I was like, I was rollerblading in the park. And I say that because I don't rollerblade, but I know someone who does and near here he is, he's really close by right now. And I saw you sitting at a park bench making a wreath out of decorative seaweed, and you said you were just gonna hang it on a stranger's door to brighten their day.
Yeah, that's what I do every couple of two weeks.
Is that why you're covered in glitter? Because you're putting glitter on the on the wreath. When I saw you, glitter.
Is kind of like you know, my it's my mark. It's how you know it's from me. You're like, you shake something, a bunch of glitter comes out. You're like the.
Zeren dust. So decorative seaweed, the stuff you have may have come from old stock.
Then how are you going to get into the decorative seeded let alone? Like I mean, I can see you're like into the decorative business, but like decorative seaweed. Like, fine, you got some like driftwood, you got some nice stones, You're you're gathering stuff. I get it, the focusing on decorative seaweed.
The problem I have is that when I think of seaweed, I think of two things. I think of sushi, the nori on the out side, right, and then I think of California kelp beds.
Oh yeah, yeah, those like you can whip your little brother.
So and they smell terrible, oh the worst. So I don't know what's going on seaweed. Is it really a it's a pretty pungent thing.
Yeah, No, you can eat it though that stuff the yeah, if you just really like salty.
Really salt efficient. So we've gotten off track here, but you have to admit that harvesting decorative seaweed is a pretty amazing gig for if you want to just like be a character. And I think I'm going to add that to my list of things I tell people I do.
I also trade in whale teeth.
And so Patty Roy bates Roy as he went by in the early say he starts radio Essex Natural Fight it's a natural evolution, and that brings us up to rough Sands. So I told you he took control of the fort, he set up his broadcast equipment, and then was like, but that's because according to the New York Times and I quote, the Marine Broadcasting Act of nineteen sixty seven made it illegal for pirate radios, even those outside territorial waters, to employ British citizens. Mister Bates promptly declared independence, probably hoping to circumvent the strictures of the Act. He's like, I'm in international waters.
Hm.
Too bad. So sad you can't get me.
Yeah, So he jokes, glue, whatever your citizen's been doing is it bounces off me and sticks to you.
That sounds like a you problem this whole we don't want citizens. So Roy jokes with his wife Joan that now that he was unable to really broadcast, she basically has her own private island.
Yeah.
And so they go out to drinks with some pals and they're telling their friends all about rough Sands. He's like, look, I took over this fort. They're like, oh, Roy, you not again. He's just like wearing a seaweed suit like a gilly sea so he you know, he says, look, I took it over and Joan was like, you know what, it's a shame. It doesn't have a few palm trees, a bit of sunshine in its own flag. That's a quote, really yeah, but shimming shimmying her shoulders, it's a shame. So one of the friends is like, hello, make it an actual island.
Let's make it happen.
People, let's do this, and then they all high fived and then skipped out into the street.
I have a sewing machine.
Roy goes right to his lawyers. Of course, a man has lawyers. So for Jones's birthday, that's what I'm saying, they're on retainer. He's like, all right, look, well no it's not me this time, I have an island. They're like, oh god, and then some of them have like dollar signs in their eyes. Jones's birthday, September second, nineteen sixty seven, Roy gives her a pretty stunning gift. He declared the principality of Sea Land and was like, here's your island.
We are a country now, baby.
He comes up with a motto he Mary libertos Latin from Latin four from the Sea Freedom.
Oh yeah, out of the sea freedom.
Yeah. He creates a flag. It's red, white and black. There's a big triangle red at the top left corner. I know there's a term for all the different parts of the flag, but as you know, I play fast and loose. There's a diagonal stripe of white across the center, and then the rest is a black triangle on the lower right. He made up a cool crest.
What's on the crest stuff? Stuff and things?
Yeah.
Cool.
It's like there's like a tower and animals. I don't remember Latin. I looked at him a mass cold. Then I just forgot about it. He had money, a Sealand dollar, which is equal to one US dollar seabucks. He gives his wife a title, Princess Joan.
Wait does that make him the prince?
Yeah, he's Prince Roy, Prince Roy Okay. And then they pack up their kids, Prince Michael and Princess Penelope, and they moved to Sealand like this long suffering family, Like, load up the royal family, We're going to Seeland's.
Got a new bug in his bonnet.
So nineteen sixty seven, the UK military decides to destroy the remaining towers, which were sitting in international waters, and allegedly a crew on a Royal Navy tug boat called out, you're next to the Royal family while they were built there. In May of sixty eight, Royal Navy boat, a real Royal Navy boat came with fifty feet of Sealand, and apparently there are claims that they yelled obscenities at the kids and that they made what's next, who thunk it? And then they made obscene gestures at sixteen year old Princess Penelope, who yeah, so what is Prince Michael? He sees this, He's like, not on my watch, and he fires warning shots at the vessel.
Yes, And then there's also another version of the story where they say that workers were servicing in nearby Bowie and that Michael fired warning shots to quote, remind these workers of Seland's territorial sovereignty.
You can do that.
I am a sovereign citizen. That am I being detained? So roy and Michael their UK citizens, They yeah, they're subjects of the Crown. They did later become citizens of Sealand, but they never renounced their British citizenship and in general they are concerned with you know, the well being of the UK. They're there all the time firing a weapon.
Did Seland have free health care.
Like a you know, a needle and thread or.
Michael.
If Michael isn't the one who shot you, you can't fire a weapon at the UK Royal Navy. It's illegal. So they the two, Prince Roy and Prince Michael. They get called into British court under the Firearms Act. The judge decided that the court did not have jurisdiction and sent Roy and Michael. Princess Roy and Michael on their way. They're released. Now Sealand considers that its first quote de facto recognition. So they're saying, well, since you know, the court said they didn't have jurisdiction, they're saying, we're a real place. And that is the year that Sealand begins issuing its own official passports. Now, in the late sixties, they were causing the Royal Navy a lot of headaches because Cuba's on everyone's mind. The Brits are afraid they're going to have the same kind of situation happening. Naval officers they come up with.
The Brits are worried that the Soviet Union is going to give nuclear weapons to the land.
They're like, you know, put proper, get a little funky over there.
They're going to go communists.
Yeah, so you know what they're they plan. They're like, you know what, let's just bomb them.
You're serious.
Yeah, they come up with this plan, but then they decide against it. Probably gonna lame idea. I mean, they don't even have a radio station. So by the early seventies there are fifty people living on Seaaland.
Was Michael getting busy?
No, a young lad. It's extended family bringing people over, having children. That's what I thought, you pervert, It's just populating.
God not that way.
So yeah, yeah, they're just recruiting in a busy fashion, extended family, friends, random workers, that kind of stuff. Enter Alexander Achenbach. That's a serious name, Yeah, Alexander Achenbach. He was a diamond dealer and general businessman in quotation marks.
He deal diamonds and you're a general businessman that just says it.
All right there, it's delicious. He approaches Roy with an idea.
I bet it was a great idea.
He said, hey, baby.
You just want to come they down by myself.
Hey, sugar, let's expand and develop. What does he mean by that? I want to know he envisioned like Omlas, like utopia. And I say that because I am sure that he accounted for a neglected child in a basement.
Somewhere part of the plan.
If you don't know what I'm talking about, read the Ursula Lagwin story the ones who walked away from Omelas, and then ruminate on who is is our society's child in the basement. That's just a little fun.
Homework for y'all.
Anyway, Alex saw a bustling island nation had a vision. Yeah, profits yeah, he's a forward thinker. He wanted a casino.
Naturally first, I mean, hello, I was going to guess that it's the.
First plant that flag. He wanted a public commons with like foliage so plants stuff. Yeah, there are these places where people can walk and things are green. What I don't know. It's a new concept.
It's a commons. It's in an area that you share.
You could park your rump on the bench a park park. He wanted a duty free shop because I guess he wanted to sell. He wanted booze, perfume and watches. He wanted infrastructure. He wanted like a post office.
He wanted a bank, he settled down Ben Franklin.
He wanted lodging, he wanted apartments like a boarding house.
Hotels, oh, hotels, okay.
And wanted he wanted dining. He wanted entertainment. Okay. Yeah, he also wanted an oil refinery. Now the platform is big, but it's not that big exactly. He's like a kid. I don't know what the kids are doing these days with their online and the games in the in the video games. But isn't there one where they build stuff in like an alternate word Minecraft? Yeah, there it is. I don't know.
He wanted to do Minecraft, I guess.
Yeah, that's where you build like virtual stuff.
Yeah, like there's like roadblocks and stuff.
I don't know. I'm like, look, it's either Solitaire or Tetris.
That's where you're at. Yeah, how's your Miss pac Man score doing?
Or it's you know, Friends without the rue. So anyway, he wants all this stuff and he's in his mind building it out, and there's just no way this is possible. But you know what, Prince Roy, he likes the cut of this guy's jib, and so he names Achenbach. He names him Foreign Minister of Sealand because he's a foreigner, I guess. And then the two got to work to drafting the Young Nations Constitution.
Oh, this is going to be a huge jig.
So Achenbach. He also wanted a lifetime appointment of prime Minister, but Roy was like, you know, at chill out, cool out, dude, let's just get this set up first, before you're getting ahead of yourself.
Settled down, Cromwell.
Oh god. And so he becomes a citizen of Sealand Achenbach does, and he tries to renounce his German citizenship, but it doesn't work.
Like we won't let you go.
Yeah. I just suddenly had a flash like what if this is pronounced sealand sealand and I've been saying sealand No.
I think it could be either one, right, they could be Sealand or sea Land.
We'll just say it seland ready.
Put the emphasis. He put the emphosis on a different salabo. It totally changes how it sounds.
I just I've only been reading about it, and it's just suddenly dawned on me.
You can say Zeland.
Yeah, whatever, My apologies if I'm not saying it right that I don't need a disclaimer on every episode. I am so sorry I will not be pronouncing this correctly. So Auchenbach, he becomes a citizen of Sealand Zealand and tries to renounce his German citizenship, but it doesn't work.
We've got you, You're German life.
The German court rules that quote the platform was not part of the Earth's surface, that it was lacking in community life, and that its minuscule territory did not constitute a living space that was viable over the long term.
This is the most German decision ever. First of all, it's not even attached to the surface of the US. What are we doing here?
Like? No, big nope. Next, So Achenbach, he's displeased. He's itching to get his plan in motion. There are room is that maybe his plans weren't really on the up and up.
Yeah, diamond trader.
Maybe maybe he's a different kind of general businessman. He's the kind of businessman that you like, Karen ok So. He gets into an argument about money with Prince Roy. Always the money. Achenbach, dead set on his plan. Didn't want anyone, even a prince, to get in his way. I have a quick picture it for you, Sarin. August nineteen seventy eight. The royal couple, Prince Roy and Princess Joan. They're away from sealand sealand on a trip to the mainland mainland. They're headed to Austria to meet up with Achenbach to talk about the possible casino state business. Prince Michael stayed home. He's out on the deck, probably sunning himself. In the distance, he hears the sound of a helicopter. He looks up to see one approaching sealand no one's scheduled to arrive. Who's coming to this small island nation. Is it a foreign dignitary, a celebrity looking for the next exclusive altercation spot. Is it Alton John piloting his own helicopter? Is it Harrison Ford? Doesn't he know how to fly a helicopter or just a plane?
I don't know anything.
He pushes his earring as like an activation because the helicopter, and then he gets a inspector gadget helicopter thing that comes out of it. Is it a cracked local news team for a traffic accident or a chase?
There's an investigative news team.
When we come back from this break, I'm gonna let you know who it is on the way to sealand cealant and why I.
Want you over here, pins and needles.
Okay, So before the break, we were with twenty five year old Prince Michael as he ran around his sealand sealand I'm just going to go with sealand from here on, I'm putting the flag in that right to you, it all feels right. Actually, nothing feels right right now. He's running around alone, dressed like Tom Cruise and risky business with only a broadcloth dressed shirt tidy white. He's an athletic sock.
Okay, as you like it? Now? Is he armed it? Also? Do you have a rifle? And the tidy whities and.
The Actually he's probably wearing like a heavy fisherman's sweater, imagine, and like durable action slacks, captain's hat, or like.
A little beanie I don't know, one of those iris.
Everyone just imagine what you what makes you happiest. I just want everyone to be happy. So whatever he's wearing, he's on the deck of Sea Land. He hears the approaching copter. He's not taking any chances, so as you were wondering, Yes, he grabs a rifle and he prepares for whomever is arriving. I know, Prince Michael, because you figure if it's like, if it's a friendly then you can do like a oh military salute. Yeah, and if.
It's they're coming to a protected area.
Yeah, yeah, it's thoughtful. So the copter hovers above and three men repel down, two burly dutchmen and a guy in a suit.
I was thinking it's gonna be British, says.
Now again with the clothing the man in the suit, I don't know if he's actually wearing a suit or is he dressed in like that tactical casual look like a governor visiting a disaster site.
Could you be wearing one of those sands, a belt, suits.
A jumpsuit. Yeah, who knows? He's got like, I don't know, polo shirt, windbreaker look of overall general discomfort. So he introduces himself. Hello, I am gearnot Poots.
WHOA okay?
Who in the h E double hockey sticks? Is gear not Poots?
That's what I'm wondering over here.
Thank me, I'm glad, I asked gear Nott Poots he's Ackenbox lawyer. He gingerly which Prince Michael and asks them to put down the weapon. He also hands the Prince a telegram which states that they have permission from Roy himself to come to Sealand.
Nineteen seventy eight telegram. Okay, yeah, is.
The telegram legit? Yeah, no, of course not. I don't think it's forged. They go inside and talk. Now Michael's a little suspicious. He agrees to go inside and then they head into one of the rooms, you know, in the platform. Michael, being a polite member of the Sealand aristocracy, he offers the gentleman whiskey, you.
Know, as his tradition on Sealand.
It's the ceremonial whiskey. They thank him, they accept it.
The whiskey ceremony is a very serious thing.
There are so many steps to seventeen steps.
Not a lot of people know this.
So they're probably stoked that it's not tea Yeah, because you know, it's what's now.
They know they're not in the UK anymore, you don't, Yeah, that's true.
So Michael heads over to this little bar in the room starts to pour the three men. They tiptoe like little cartoon kitty cats towards the door. They slip out, and then they lock poor Prince Michael in the tower.
How do they lock him in from outside?
Well, no, they're like they're in the room with him. He turns around to pour the booze. They sneak out of the room, slam the door, lock it.
The door is usually locked from the inside.
Well, I don't know, okay, maybe that was like a punishment room and they had a dead bowlt on the outside.
The blockaded the door in.
They probably like tied off the handle and like you know, or stuck the Well, Michael's banging on the door fruitlessly, ack and bock. He obviously knew that Roy wouldn't be there when he sent that helicopter to sea Land because he's supposed to be meeting with them in Austria.
Yeah, this is a straight up pirate gank move.
Yeah, and he stands Prince Roy up for the meeting. He ghosts him and so Prince Roy starts to get worried that there's this setup. Sealand didn't have a phone or a working ship to shore radio. Who Yeah, So Prince Roy called fishing captains in the area and yeah, he was to run over. He's like hey, and they're like, oh, what's up. He's like, I'm in Austria. Listen, quick question. Can you swing by and see if everything's cool? At Seland, like it's pronounced Zealand, He's like, whatever, it's my island. Can you go check on Prince Mikey and so one of the captains like, you know, I actually saw something. I saw a helicopter hovering over and then landing. Roy loses it freaks out. So back at sealand Celand, the three men, they have Prince Michael locked in the room. He's in the tower. He's trying to grow his hair out as fast as he can to scale down Rapunzel Stu. He was in there for four days, oh damn. And then they let him go. They flagged down a passing fishing boat and they just threw them on there, like off you go.
There are fifty other people on this platform.
Right, No, at this point I think it kind of dwindle, yeah, but I think there may be some people anyway. The boat heads back to port in Holland, the fishing boat with its royal cargo. Once in Holland, Prince Michael meets up with Prince Roy and the two of them hatch a plan. Prince Roy is pals with a helicopter pilot. Roy is pals with everybody. He's got a guy he knows a guy. But it's not just any helicopter pilot. It's a guy who used to work on James Bond movies. Yeah, so he's he's a pro. They say, can you take us back to Sealand on a submarine? And he's like, got Roger Moore in a cage in the back of the helicopter. Uh. So they intend to take back what's theirs with the help of the pilot. In the middle of the night, they take the doors off of the helicopter for easy repelling, and they make their way to sealand Sealand under cover of darkness.
Like yeah.
When they arrive, the two princes wait, is that where the spin Doctor's song comes from? We may never know because I'm not going to even bother to look up the lyrics. The two Princes descend one two Princes? Can I also let you know that Prince Michael a total badass out for revenge. He's toting a sowd off shotgun at this point around anymore.
It's amazing because I got a room cleaner.
The two guys slide down the ropes and they land on top of one of the buildings on the platform, all of Auchenbox German goons like he's got a bunch of dudes there. Now they're running around on deck like they're in like an eighties militarized action movie. I'm kind of imagining Commando Shortzenegger, which has one of the best movie lines. Is I quoted all the time after seeing it as a child, and there's it's great to have a little kid saying this.
Is it the one that you promised you could kill me last?
No, it's cutting a little girl's neck is like cutting warm butter.
That would as a child all the time.
Oh yeah, that was real popular. So Prince Michael, he jumps on the from the roof of the deck, he jumps down to the platform. It's a pretty big jump. Now, it's the kind of jump like if I did it, my ankles would both shatter upon impact and blind the goons in a shower of bone, flesh and blood. That's why I would make like a really good and bad soldier of fortune. Bad maneuvering skills, but good distractionary tactics.
And low pay.
I work for a load of no pay. Prince Michael jumps off the roof without his ankles exploding, but the sowd off does accidentally discharge when he jumps. This turns out to be a good.
Thing though, shotgun hand on the pomp.
So no one gets shot. And it scared the poop out of these goons. Like they hear a.
Shock that like this kid lands and.
It's like ah, they give up right away. They're like, oh, we surrender.
Yeah wow. So losing to England and Americas earlier.
Look, you got got sixty six World Cup.
Yeah, couple them up, wreck them.
Garnet Poots, I like saying it like that, like a total jacket and gar not. Poots and his goons were held hostage by the princes. The royal family soon releases the henchmen, but they keep Poots and Poots. See, he's also a sea Land citizens, sealands citizens. He is charged in the court of sealand they have a judge. Yeah, they basically I don't know. I think I think Prince Roy is the judge. They basically have the same laws as the UK, but they allow guns. How they've explained it, They've explained it that way.
Bullets.
Yeah, So they charged Poots with treason and he's detained sealand he's sentenced to life on the platform. They're like, you have offended, you have offended us. You have to live here forever.
Now we're gonna nail your foot to the like just.
At the fort. He has to life at the fort.
To stay here with us forever until you.
You've offended us. Now you have to live here. I don't know why he wasn't exiled anyway. The German embassy asked the British for help to get his release, and the Brits are like seedlands outside of our jurisdiction international waters. So the Germans they send send a diplomat from London to negotiate the release of Gernot puts Now. Because of this diplomatic envoy, right Seland considers that another de facto recognition by Germany. But Germany's like, that's not what this means. This is in essence, it's a hostage negotiation. But okay, go off.
So nope, you recognized us. I saw in your eyes.
Here's the great part, though, According to an article in the Atlantic Wote, a Dutch foreign affairs officer offered a suggestion for solving the problem. Is there any chance of a British patrol vessel passing by the fort and somehow knocking it into the sea. You know, problem solved. It kind of reminds me of when my dad he wanted to tear down an old shed on his property, but the whole place was within a historical district and he would need special permission. He was uninterested in attaining obtaining special permission, so he quote unquote accidentally drove his seventies Chevy suburban into the shed and demolished it himself in like forty five seconds. It was an accident.
What good nature did.
That's what the Dutch wanted the Brits to do, just kind of. I mean, I respect that line of thinking. Sure, I'm glad they didn't go through with that, though, because I've grown very fond of sealand don't know if you can tell so in sealand prison, Poots is clean in the bathrooms. He's on coffee duty. He has to make the coffee. He only spends two months in prison there and he negotiates his own release. He's a lawyer.
Imagine words.
He was fined seventy five thousand Deutsche marks, which was around like thirty seven grand, and he's granted a pardon.
Just to buy his way out.
He bought his way out. When he's released, Prince Roy tells reporters we're friends now, and Poots later gets hired by the family to represent them when they filed charges against some Dutch invaders. So that is the power of restorative justice. Everybody things even out over time for the nation of Sealand, but there were still little bumps in the road. In nineteen eighty seven, the UK extended its territorial waters from three nautical miles to twelve nautical miles. Oh, thereby put Sealand within its limits. What does Sealand do? In response, they you know, they don't take anybody's guff. They extended their own territorial waters from three nautical miles to twelve nautical miles. I see you, I raise you now they're six off shore, which means that like they'reaging. So they also started issuing a passport around this time. They issued around three hundred passports. They personally vetted every single one.
Did anyone use them for travel.
Well, here's the thing. There were shady care I think it was like a novelty thing. They have the coolest website where you can go and buy titles like you can become a baron or a baroness, and so they you know, I suppose people had it just kind of to kick around with. But there were shady characters selling knockoff sealand passports. When Gianni Versace's murderer, Andrew Kunanan, when he was on the run, he broke into a house boat and took his own life. So that's a fact, a historical fact. The owner of the boat was a German Man who held a Sealand passport and allegedly had a car with sealand Diplomatic plates.
Now that character.
Sealand the contacts. So the FBI contacts Sealand and they're like, how is this all connected? And they said, I have no idea what you're talking about. Everything was forged. So that's when they start finding out there are all these like fake seaaland diplomatic materials out there. There were Moroccan hash smugglers and Russian armstealers who had fake Sealand passports I see.
Your pirate war and I raised you at a Moroccan hashed smuggler.
There were over four thousand phony passports sold at one thousand pounds each to Hong Kong citizens before Britain seated control of the territory to China in July ninety seven. Yes, wow, so sealand in ninety seven stops issuing passports after this fraud is revealed, and then and the hold was made permanent after nine to eleven.
What did nine eleven have to do?
Well?
After the towers fell. A lot of things changed.
There after the towers.
Yeah, so they still get thousands of passport applications. They got thousands in twenty seventeen, after the UK voted yes on Brexit and Trump won the presidency, they had like American Yeah. So it's just like people are looking for a for a paradise. In the early aughts, it was going to become a server farm, but they didn't have the electrical or cooling capacity.
I was imagining let's say, like solar or some kind of geo water out there.
Yeah. Yeah. In two thousand and seven, they announced that they were looking for a buyer with an asking price of around nine hundred and seventy seven million dollars.
Excuse me, I can buy like a couple of sports teams, or I can buy sealand take your choice.
It was reported that they were in talks with the website pirate Bay. Okay, but the company was only able to raise twenty thousand dollars.
So sales, our marketing budget's a little tighty.
They're like, look, we can barter these people down.
Do you take NFTs?
Oh? Hold on. So in twenty ten, WikiLeaks allegedly reached out to sealand they wanted asylum and a passport for as songe Julian Assange sealand declined. They're like, that's some messy business and I don't want Pam Anderson over here, so do your thing. Twenty twelve, it was rumored that Assange was in the process of moving the WikiLeaks servers to sealand didn't happen. And then here's my end of animal house montage for you.
Okay.
So Michael has been the acting head of State since nineteen ninety nine, and Roy and Joan retired to Spain in two thousand and six.
Very UK very if they retire guns, because would be totally UK.
But with God, he's like a like a nautical hard man. It's only possible to visit Sealand with an official invitation from Prince Michael. You can't just show up.
What happens if you do, Like say you're on Green Peace and you're like, hey, our boat's got a problem.
Like climbate, You're climbing up the ladder and he just gives you a boot to the face. Oh you full the splash. Roy passed away in twenty twelve at the age of ninety one, and in an interview in the eighties, Roy told reporters quote, I might die young or I might die old, but I will never die of boredom. Que' man.
That's good. I like that.
He's awesome. Joan died in twenty sixteen, so not too long after her husband. The Bates family now lives, goes to school and works in Mainland England, England, England. However, there's always at least one person on sealand Seaaland at all times, usually a single caretaker or security guard. Now the job has been handled for decades by a man named Michael Barrington, who's an old family friend. He's a dual sealand UK citizen. His official title is Head of Homeland Security. Get out Yeah, And as of twenty twenty Michael also owned a cockle fishing business. What no cockles like cockle shells, which is really dangerous, isn't that where people drown all the time? And the shorts because like the.
Tide goes out divers.
Oh I love abalonis. So Michael wears short shirts and goes cockle fishing and he exports to Spain, so you know he's carrying on the family legacy. As of August twenty twenty one, zero COVID cases in Seaaland visitors need to show proof of a negative test before they can be pulled aboard, so keep that in mind. And of course, as you brought up, it was also recently home to a virtual showing of a joint painting and NFT exhibition put on by Subby's by Subbies.
Oh wow.
Now to close us out, The UK's Foreign Office has said that seland Quote cannot constitute a separate independent state since it has none of the characteristics of a state, including a land territory, a fixed population and the ability to conduct international relations. Debates disagree they Michael once told a BBC journalist, we have never asked for recognition, and we've never felt the need to ask for recognition. You don't have to have recognition to be a state. You just have to fulfill the criteria of the Montevideo Convention, which is population, territory, government, and the capacity to enter into negotiation with other states. We can and we have done all these things. We've had the German ambassador visit us at one point to discuss something that was the de facto recognition. We've had communication with the President of France many years ago, but we have never asked for recognition and we don't feel we need.
It's definitive. Listen, I agree with them. Yeah, you're a state. If you say you're a state.
Exactly so they're the state born of a criminal takeover. Gotta love it. What's your ridiculous takeaway?
Do not mess but Prince Roy.
Yeah, Prince Roy is a legend, as is Prince Michael.
Prince Michael, but in my mind, he's a kind of what is it, a chip off the old blocking He's following your tradition, whereas it seems like Prince Roy it's just weird calling him Prince like, like, why didn't he make himself king or something else?
A humble He's a humble I'm talking.
About the man knows his place in the world. He knows his station in life. He's like, I am not a king. I'm but a lowly and humble prince, here to lead my people and my regal family forward. But I dig him. I find that like anybody wants to go. So I'm getting the boat. We're gonna go take over this.
Again. He's a good character and I love that they put the old fort to good use. That's recycling. And my takeaway is a starting your own country isn't easy, but it's super cool.
I want one of those castles that they have off the coast of England. They're not like I guess they're usually more like in lakes and stuff. You know, we'll sell it as long as you'll pay for the staff and get some tourism.
The lake isle at Indus free. Yes, I want to become a baroness at.
Sealand Okay, you are now a baroness.
Thank you, You're welcome. That's it. You can find us online at Ridiculous Crime on both Twitter and Instagram. If you have a tip for us about a ridiculous crime. If you want to confess to a ridiculous crime, email us at Ridiculous Crime at gmail dot com. Tune in next time. Ridiculous Crime is hosted by Elizabeth Dutton and Zaren Burnett, produced and edited by His Royal Serene Highness, Magistrate of Ridiculous Crime Island and All Dependencies, Dave Houston. Research is by Ridiculous Crime Island Minister of Information Marissa Brown. The theme song is by Secretary of the Department of Vibes Thomas Lee and Director of the Bureau of rud Dude Management Travis Dutton. Executive producers or Cabinet Ministers Ben Bullen and Noel Brown.
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