Hey, fam, I'm Jada Pinkett Smith and this is the Red Tabletop podcast all your favorite episodes from the Facebook Watch show in audio, produced by Westbrook Audio and I Heart Radio. Please don't forget to rate and review on Apple Podcasts, a Red Table Talk exclusive. Prior to hitting me, he had made threats all I'm gonna do this to you, and I never believed it. I never thought that the person that I love would hurt me to that extent. It literally just punched me in my mouth. It was like good wrenching for the first time. R and B superstar Ashanti and her family come together as the older sister that wants to protect my younger sister. No one gets a book on how to handle this with a private family. We don't go telling our business. And I was like, oh nah. I went in the garage, I got the bad I pulled up in the truck. I had basiline. I was ready for a powerful and important conversation. He had actually already finished strangling me. That was actually why I had picked up the knife. When I is one, I had to pull a knife out on somebody too, and I opening look at the damage and devastation caused by domestic abuse that happens every three seconds in America. And I cried out for my mom. I cried out for my sister because they happened to be there, they were in the same house. He was bold, here we are this is very serious topic. Is a very serious topic. It's one of those topics that touches everybody. Yeah, and in URTT exclusive, Ashanti, her sister Shea, and their mother Tina are here to open up about how domestic violence change their family forever. We're gonna start with Shia. We saw these photos you and your sister recently shared on social media, So Shea, can you tell us what was going on here? That was, Um, the results of my relationship with my ex. Those series of photos were actually a few different events. That was the darkest time in my life. That was after he had pushed me down the stairs, kicked me. There were so many different instances and experiences that at the ascount of all of a blur. But um, that particular instance, we were arguing and he literally just popped me in my eye. I had sunglasses on. How did it start out for you? What was the relationship like in the beginning? I had met him, when I had just gotten out of high school. I was just going to college. That was about eighteen or nineteen years old. I hadn't really had a real relationship, you know, a real which you would call an adult relationship. In the beginning, it was pretty fun. He was extremely attentive, complimenting me on my hair, on my clothes, what I was wearing. He was giving me the attention that I felt that I needed and that I desired. It's like, oh, this feels good. You know, this is a guy who has a little bit of money who is showing me affection, attention that I feel I haven't had. It feels good to have someone shower you with attention. And you never think in a million years that's going to turn into Do not ever think that I was connected to him because I had inner child issues, inner child trauma. I wanted to feel avoid Can you talk to us a little bit about or describe what you mean by inner child issues. Absolutely, the inner child traumas that I experienced were kind of I would say, because of my sister's career. Her actual album came out on my thirteenth birthday, like literally on my thirtee birthday, so it was an exciting time for the family. However, at the age of thirteen, that's when you come to into yourself yourself exactly. And at that time I feel as though my confidence and my belief in self I didn't have the two parent family home. Mom was trying to balance being on the road and then being there with me. And I will say, my thirteenth birthday, that's you know, you're going into your teens, and like, as a young woman, that's so exciting. And and for that to kind of be alongside this monumental career moment um could have probably felt very I mean like that was supposed to be my moment, that was supposed to be my third birthday, that was supposed to be my coming into myself. Absolutely, And what I found is that trauma is not only something that you actually go through. Our experience is something that you also are lacking as well. And moment in your life where you were looking for something and it didn't happen, and so now you develop these coping mechanisms and they show up in these relationships, and so I desired that attention. How long did the relationship last? We were together for thirteen years, but the physical abuse started within the last two to three years, but I would say the mental abuse had started from the beginning, and what did that look like? So that was like love bombing, consistent calling, checking in, how are you? I'm just calling to make sure you're okay, etcetera. The gifts, all of that contributes to the void that you feel. You enjoy someone checking in on you exactly where are you, what are you doing? And then over time it kind of became a little bit of a controlling thing. So there were things that I felt wrong. I would speak out on them, and he would try to make me believe the way that I thought was wrong. Over time, it's almost like someone is chipping away a little blighting. Yeah I am am I actually yeah? Wrong on here? Like correct? You begin to kind of question yourself and second guests, and then because you love this person, you're like, Okay, I hear what you're saying. There must be some truth to truth. So I just kept you in doubt. Yeah, I can understand that. And you're wanting to be in the relationship. You want to please him exactly, so you're trying to be the woman that he wanted exactly. To be quite honest, prior to hitting me. He had made threats. He had said things like, oh, I'm gonna do this to you, or I should do this, and I never believed it. After years of us being together, we were on a break after time he decided that he wanted to make the relationship work and I took him back, and he had began to grow suspicious of what I was doing. During the time of our break. He began to become very very jealous, very angry. He became aim even more controlling than he'd already been, and that was when the physical abuse started. So the first time then he laid hands on me was actually really horrific. He kind of planned the whole thing out, the whole scenario, so he'd put the blinds down. He yeah, like it was an actual planned out thing. He was upset about something that was an argument that we got into, and he questioned me on some things and I was just completely unaware. I'm like, you know what's going on? And he literally just punched me at my mouth, which was like I can't describe the shock. I can't describe the pain. It was like, where is this coming from? And why are you doing this to me? I ran and he chased after me and he began to continue to hit me. I ran to a neighbor's apartment. I stayed at the neighbors for probably like an hour, so I was able to actually have one of my sister's security that worked in l A come and escort me and see me out and make sure that I was good. I had to grab whatever I had on me and I went to a hotel. Who did you call when that happened? My mom? We didn't call any authority like the police or no. I didn't, And that's what's unfortunate, because I found myself in the position where I was so mentally abused that I was protecting him, acting him. I understand that I called my mom and they were in shock. They were like, what he hit you? He's never hit me before. It was verbal abuse, it was mental abuse, but I never thought that he would take it there. I feel like we sometimes as women, we give the benefit of the doubt and situations, and I really shouldn't have. So after the first time, What was a conversation that the two of you had when you went back. There was a lot of apologizing in order for me to come back. It was a lot of I'll never do that again. I don't know what came over me. I want you back. I want us to be a family. And prior to this, I had had a miscarriage and so it was I believe a play on my mind because I wanted to have a child and have a family. Looking back, it was irresponsible on my behalf. I don't know she. When we love people, we really want to believe that they can change. Don't beat yourself up for that, right. I don't want you to think that you were irresponsible or you didn't you know, to kind of put the blame on you. And it shouldn't be seen as a bad thing to be a person who won someone that they loved to change. And when we know better, we do know absolutely thank you for that. Thank you for that. I will grant myself that grace because that is a trauma response trying to correct someone trying to help. We think we can fix exactly and make that person be who it is that you desire, and we're just going to work this out. You know how far along were you when you had um I was like four months. There was verbal abuse taking place throughout that time. There was threatening like energy, you know, and so I'd come to learn that there was nothing wrong with me that caused me to miscarry. It was more so what I was experiencing that environment that I was in the stress it contributed, and that was devastating because I wanted that child so badly. So how did it escalate after the first time? I actually began therapy. Prior to the abuse, I'd gone into therapy to try to fix the relationship, and my therapist even shared with me, you know, if he's hits you once, he's going to hit you again, and it's just going to progressively get worse. Over the course of two and a half years, the abuse was pretty frequent. I would say it was more than ten times that we'd gotten into really, really heated fights. There would be times I'd have to call family members to come pick me up because we would be fighting, and I would have to get out of the car. I'd be on the side of the road calling somebody to come get me. So not only did it get worse, he'd actually knocked my teeth out, got it. It was the ultimate like that was when I left. That was the straw that broke the camel's bag. I never thought that the person that I loved could hurt me to that extent. It was a very, very small argument. It was very minimal. He had come home around seven am in the morning and I questioned him on where he was and what he was doing, and he didn't like what I had to say, and so he literally punched me in my mouth. I could literally feel my teeth. I could feel everything just shift and my whole entire face. You know. I kind of came came back to and I'm like, I see the blood, and I was in so much shock, Like it's like, it's unthinkable. It's unthinkable. It's like, you you hit me. You you broke my teeth. And he was like, no, I didn't know. I didn't you. You hit your face on the railing. You hit your face. I pushed you and you hit you. So in that moment, he was trying to manipulate what he been had occurred so that I wasn't clear on what just took place. So he knocked some of your teeth up. They were shattered and ripped away from the root that were pushed in. There's no way to really describe that film, Like, there was no way to describe that. You posted a photo of the aftermath of that night. I looked at my face and I saw blood everywhere. That was blood everywhere. Um, my teeth were obviously disconfigured. I began to become angry, obviously because when you look at your face and you see that. So I'm in a rage now. Now I'm like, I can't believe you did this to me. I'm going to pick up whatever I can, and I had gotten something. It was almost to defend myself because I felt like he was going to continue hitting me, and I cried. I cried out for my mom. I cried out for my sister because they happened to be there and they were in the same house. Yes, yes, he was real bold. Yeah, I truthfully feel as though had no one been there, he would have continued. And you said, that was that was it for you? That was it for me? You left after that, that was it for me. Sadly, I was so um, deeply, deeply codependent. I almost told myself just to shall pass, as if I was going to continue the relationship. You know, I was still trying to defend him. I didn't see myself really without him. This hard those cycles, that codependent cycle is its own addiction, and there's still a part of you that is saying, what did I do to make him do that? Correct? Correct? Did anyone call the police then? Or no? The neighbors actually called the police. The police that come to the apartment. UM, and I didn't tell the I'm going to be honest with you, guys, like I didn't tell them the truth. They asked what happened, and I made up something, um to to protect him. And I get that, I think, I think for black women, my god, it's so hard because a lot of layers just like calling the police police on black men and that you know, all of that, am I'm going to turn them over to that, you know what, I absolutely and getting and getting the police involved period. It's like telling your business yess like we we we'll figure this, not figuring it out. And that's that's real feeling like you snitching and all of that. It was almost set up because they've been said throughout the relationship, like if you ever called the police on me, if you ever do this, I'm done. I was considering all of these things. I was considering my sister, her career. I was considering a lot of things except myself. Know after the last time. When you decided that it was done, did he leave you alone or no? I left. I stayed in a hotel for about a week. I wasn't sure what my next moves were going to be. I was still trying to hide it from people, trying to hide the experience of what happened. I actually took a meeting and sat in a meeting with my teeth braced in you know, um, they had a wire on my teeth and I told them a lie, like I tripped over something, and I, you know, this is what happened to me. So I hadn't fully accepted what had happened, and so when I did leave, I began to question why did I allow this to happen to me? And then how it connected, how it connected to the rest of my family, and how if I don't heal it, this would play on in my children. I have to break these cycles, in these patterns. Speaking of family, we have your mom Tina, and we have your sister a Sean to here are beautiful. Grammy winning megastar Ashanti is the Princess of R and B and holds the record for the fastest selling debut album ever by a female artist. Throughout her multi platinum career, Ashanti and her tight knit family have been private, but after witnessing she is abusive relationship firsthand, they knew they had to speak out. Hello, ladies, beautiful, beautiful, thank you. Actually her backup singers and dancing, well, I'll tell you what. All of you are just so beautiful. Thank you you guys to this is so amazing. You just family, family down talking about I love it. Yeah, and thank you Ashanti because I know you posted those pictures. We were all like, WHOA would really love to talk to this family about this because everybody gets affected. Yes, absolutely so listening to her tell her story, how did it make you feel? I had to get my makeup done again because I was crying. Yeah, And to have that story told from her heart and the strength that she was able to display because it's always us. Back in the day, nobody talked about it. It was like a right, if that's supposed to happen. It was made to believe your mother is so right that nobody talked about People still don't talk about That's part of the problem. There are so many artists that don't talk about it, that are going through it. Even with she is sharing with me some of the people that reached out to her because of her post that are celebrities, like big celebrities that are going through this, you know. So she's so brave and we're all just super proud. Yeah, we're a private family. We don't go telling our business. I hidden so much from the world. Um, even in my previous posts. And when she posted that last post with him talking in her back and forth, girl, yeah, a lot of strength. We do have the video that you were talking about, Miss Tina. I don't I'm gonna show you. I'm gonna show you. I'm gonna show you. Keep the knife with you, keep the knight. I'm gonna show you. I'm gonna show you. I'm gonna show what you're thinking. I'm gonna shuck, stab me whoever you want. I'm gonna sho no show, no weapons yet, hypead go ahead, spit my face, beet me right, all right, I put a whip me down. I'm not doing hmm. That's hard. Why was that important for you to post? That's so important for people to see, um and here in real time because I know that there are so many other women that are going through similar situations and are experiencing things like that, and a picture is one thing, But a video where you can actually hear it and you can actually see it and feel it, it's different. You know. What's deep about that is that, um, when I was twenty one, I had to pull a knife out on somebody too, and uh scary, It's very scary. It's very very scary because you are at the mercy of wherever they're at mentally you know how far they want to take it. And I'm sitting here and I'm you know, five ft one and he's six four two and whatever pounds and he's literally like counseling me like I'm a man, you know, and he's saying, I'm not a I'm not a bit, I'm not a this, you know. And it's like, at that moment in time, I'm not fighting you. I see that where you're going to take this and he had actually already finished strangling me. Oh my god, you can hear I was scared. That was actually why I had picked up the knife because that was the only thing that was close to me that I felt that I could protect myself. And you're hoping to God you don't have to use it that I don't have to use it. Ashanti, When did you find out that all of this was going on? Yeah? Did you have any inkling that that there was abuse going on in the relationship? Yeah, either one of you. Actually, I don't know about the very very very first when it started. Ironically, I was on the phone we do in that clip. It was like gut wrenching, you know, um, because you can't get together to do nothing. So it had been something that was going on, and you don't know how to deal with it, like, Okay, we gotta respect whatever her decisions are. If I'm big sisters and I'm like, well, I don't like him and I don't think y'all should be together. Both y'all our toxic. I used to say to them all the time, you guys being together, it's like you each drinking bleach, like it's toxic. But with everything that she's gone through and growing up Shanty's little sister, it's like you want your own stuff. So there are certain things I feel like she might have put up with, you know, and it's just like, Okay, how do you deal with this? How do you deal with following her lead but still knowing this is not the right thing. Yeah, what do we do now? No one gets a book on how to how to handle, how to handle this and how to navigate because people, you know, when you love somebody, you can't necessarily just be like, hey, I'm coming to grab you up and I'm not gonna see this joke. And they were listen. I'm not a violent person, but when that call came in. As an artist, you have resources and sometimes different Oh I know, you know what it's like. I know I made the call this, you know, And to be honest with you, her being the amazing person that she is, I didn't want to take that. Bro, I understand, you understand what I'm saying to do and protecting absolutely, even through the vile disrespect, the manipulation, even how he kind of tried to come in and divide us and exactly exactly. So it was really hard when it's your baby. Oh yeah, this is my baby, right and I respect her, but I also know that I'm the one that carried her. That's the mental that I go through. So if you're going to mess with that, then you messing with me, that's right. But because I respect her and because I know that she loved him, and because I wanted to follow her lead. I shouldn't say I wanted to because I didn't want to, but I didn't out of respect. But that was the hardest thing I ever did in my life, I can imagine, and to go to her and say, you know, I could take care of this, and for her to say, no, it's okay, No, it's not okay. But I wouldn't argue with that. It was very difficult for me to accept someone that was intentionally hurting my daughter. Yeah, you know, I so understand that I have a young woman in my life that was going through the same thing. It doesn't help to interfere. I literally snatched her up and took her away. I was like, you're not gonna talk to him, You're not gonna see him. This is over. This is going to turn into a very bad situation for everybody. It didn't work. It doesn't work, and they go back, and they go back. You gotta pray and hope that one day they'll get it and they will leave on their own because you can't force it, can't make it. And then there's always him that was always trying to manipulate the family. He manipulated her, and he manipulated the family. Like my husband, he's from Brooklyn. We couldn't even really tell him, he didn't even know. It was a very dark time for all of us, and it was hard to accept seeing him still in different places, hearing about him looking at Instagram like nothing was concurred. There were times after he broke my teeth, he did continue to try to reach out. He did continue to try to come around and come with gifts, you know, crying, crying, and I want my family only. He manipulated a lot of things between us as a family. It will never happen again. It will never happen again. I had developed that post traumatic stress because he had had this presence where he felt like he was above the law. There were times he would show up. If I were to post where I was on Instagram, he would show up to that place. There were times when I was on my best friend's bed sleeping and he was literally in the window taking pictures of me and sending pictures to my phone. That night, remember you hit me? I was like, oh nah. I went in the garage, I got the bad I pulled up in the truck, I had vasoline, I was and then yeah, I was by myself because I had the adrenaline, you know what I mean. I had enough. It was done. My sister got her jaw broken, and I went after that bad that's what she think. I never found him though, I didn't know, but I went roman the neighborhood looking asking people if you see him. I remember when the incident happened in the neighbors I didn't see your face. I saw you guys like arguing. I was kind of holding them apart. This is what so manipulative. I sat with him downstairs and I'm like, yo, what's going on? What did you do? You know? And he's like, no, this, no, Sis, I didn't do nothing. It was like that, she says, some crazy you know what I'm saying. It wasn't like this. So we're sitting down. I'm in a nightgown and a bonnet in a in a in a lobby of the building. I didn't know that it got to that level. And when I go upstairs and see her face, that's when I'm like, what. When I turned and saw your mouth, my heart dropped and I almost said, damn, I should have let her hit him, because she had a bottle. So then I went and got the bottle, and I ran down street and went in the elevator, got down from your point, and I'm looking for him in a nightgown and a bonnet in a bottle. It was actually a black tourmaline crystal, because that's the one you had. It was very big, and that was ironic. When I think back, I'm like, well, that is the one that fights off bad energy, you know. But he disappeared. Yes, he knew that she was going to go back upstairs and her face he was born because she went back down there and I told her don't go, but I had to stay with her because she wanted to go. I was like, no, she's all bloody. I took that picture and she was like, mom, look what he did to me. And I said, I'm taking a picture of this because I want the world to see this. I want to go to the police. And she was crying. She wasn't crying because she was hurt. She was just serious. So she she gave me a number to call it dentist. We called the emergency room and they had to wire like not her job, but from here all the way to her teeth, and she couldn't talk. And I'll never forget I had to buy mashed potatoes for two weeks. It was a traumatic, traumatic term of time. It was a build up because the day before he said something to me like I should I should push your teeth down your face, like and we were all sitting in the living room. We were always going. He used to say things like this in front of my family. He would say I should do this, and I was like, you should what He was like, na, Na. There were times when they would have conversation eight hours. I talked to him throughout the whole situation. It was draining. The manipulation was so intertwined and deep. And I also will say because and this is an important factor to bring up, I desired that family unit. I brought him in and we became family. So he began working on projects with my sister. He began working with my mom, And that was another layer that made it difficult for me to walk away, for me to leave, because we want to his family's house, his mom and dad, because they were supposed to get married. There was so even, it was so thick that he was trying to kind of separate me from my family and make my family believe that I was the you know, person that was unreasonable unreasonable. So it was a difficult time for us as a family coming out of that relationship. How did it feel to feel the support of your mother and your sister, I'm not gonna lie. No matter how much um empathy someone has, it can seem and feel like you're isolated and like nobody really gets it. So there was a point in time where I had felt alone, even in a room full of people. But I have to say I am grateful to have had them, because I know that there are women that don't have anybody, and I can't say that I'd always felt supported. We really didn't know how to handle this situation, so we just did the best that we could in terms of we're gonna love you, We're gonna love you, whatever you need. We should have just all as a family collectively said, listen, this is not it. You shouldn't be doing this. There were times when he absolutely would manipulate my family. He would say certain things to them to make them feel like I was antagonizing him, to make them feel like I was starting these fights. He had manipulated them so badly to the point that they would sometimes believe the things that he said inside with him, and that ultimately caused a lot of chaos within the family. I'm gonna be honest with you, like it's hard to support because you don't want to continually remind her of what's going on. But maybe it's something that she needed because I knew she was hurting, but you don't realize it until you feel it by seeing it. YEA, How do you think it has changed you guys as a family unit? Yeah? Can I start? I would say it actually forced us to go to therapy, family therapy. It was really healing for us to sit as a family and for them to start to understand where I wasn't what I was going through, you know, because there were different times where I felt like, well, I wasn't defended, and it began the process of becoming more aware of things that we were not speaking about as a family. She started going to therapy. I was like, I'm your mother, what's you going to therapy for? You know what I'm saying like it was like, you can't talk to me. At first, I was offended, but then I said, no way, turn this around. She's helping her in different ways that I don't know about exactly. Personally, I wasn't brave enough to say, hey, I'm gonna go talk to a therapist. I feel like I'm good. But her bringing it to the forefront, we all benefited from it and just opening my eyes in my mind to certain things that make a difference in how you approach a situation. And I think it helped it really did. Do you feel like you have more understanding? I do have more of an understated because you know, sometimes especially with our age difference some size, it's like you you know, but it with her, with her therapists like giving an alternative. Okay, this is how you used to deal with it, but how about try this way, you know what I mean. I didn't truly begin to heal until a few years after, you know, I began to first process what took place, why it happened, and why I allowed it. I've been giving that power away for so long, and I think that that's something that we do also as women. How was I, you know, enabling this behavior? And once I began to do that, that was when the work started for me. Would you say it took you a minute to like really let go of the hope. Yeah, I kind of left without fully processing. I hadn't accepted it, and I want to bring that up as an important point because that prolonged the healing process and that avoidance that, you know, kind of let's try to sweep this under the rug. The shame and what other people think about you, it's all up in your heads, you know, and it distorts your decision making. It takes a minute for you to figure out what the hell was was that, what just happened in my life? And figure out your role in it, because you do have a role in it. But the biggest thing you have to do is forgive yourself. I like to consider myself like a phoenix, you know, we come through the fire and we rise. But it is um a story. It's a part of my journey. This is what's brought me to understanding who I am as a person. I have gotten to a point where I forgive myself and I've forgiven him even because at the end of the day, anyone that can do that to someone else, they don't love themselves. They're unclear on who they are, and that there's an old saying that what doesn't kill you make me stronger. But it should be what doesn't kill you will make your heart bigger. Recently, and I really related to that one thing I wanted to mention. Unfortunately, there were girls that I guess he was dealing with and they were kind of making fun of the situation and posting pictures of themselves smiling with their teeth and pointing at their teeth. Not only was there that, there were also friends that we've had that were mutual that were picking sides. As a black woman, when you're kicking someone when they're down, it is the most disgraceful, disgusting thing. Whatever the situation was with these females and him whatever, but that kind disrespect is so vile and it's it's harmful even mentally, you know, and it's triggering, you know what I'm saying, because I'm like, it was you know what I mean, And it's not funny like mentally with you, Like, how could you laugh at someone to make fun of somebody that's going through stuff like that? And that's a problem. I can't agree with you more, Shaunty, because I feel like as black women, we have to learn how to support each other, we really do. I think that there's so many of us who are so challenged with our own level of self respect. We're like grabbing at anything that we can to to to feel like, you know, I'm somebody, or this is gonna put me one step about her exactly. I Um, I just want to say that I'm in a beautiful place. I am not a victim. I'm not a survivor. This has happened to me and it has brought me to knowing myself on a deeper level. It's interesting that you don't want to use the word victim and survivor because I look at it like this. So when you're labeling yourself as a victim or survivor, in order for you to truly heal, you have to detach from that narrative that this was an experience that's taught me. This is an experience that I've now risen above. So you're taking your power back in that way. That's powerful. Thank you, absolutely, ladies, Thank you so much. This was beautiful. Thank you so much for coming to the table and sharing your story. Thank you. I love it, thank you, thank you. So you know, we've been a fan since forever and you said the bar, you open the doors. You're just so gracious and so classy and this was chance with her nails. It. I love it, beautiful nails. So one of my girlfriends, um Lauren Lennon during Christmas, she's like our DJ. She's like, all right, Jana, what do you want to play? I was like, girl, put on that rain on me? She says, Okay, baltimorean song. Yes, that's her nickname for me, Baltimore Songs. To join the Red Table Talk family and become a part of the conversation, follow us at facebook dot com slash red table Talk. Thanks for listening to this episode of Red Table Talk podcast, produced by Facebook Watch, Westbrook Audio, and I Heart Radio.

Hey, fam, I'm Jada Pinkett Smith and this is the Red Tabletop podcast all your favorite episodes from the Facebook Watch show in audio, produced by Westbrook Audio and I Heart Radio. Please don't forget to rate and review on Apple Podcasts, a Red Table Talk exclusive. Prior to hitting me, he had made threats all I'm gonna do this to you, and I never believed it. I never thought that the person that I love would hurt me to that extent. It literally just punched me in my mouth. It was like good wrenching for the first time. R and B superstar Ashanti and her family come together as the older sister that wants to protect my younger sister. No one gets a book on how to handle this with a private family. We don't go telling our business. And I was like, oh nah. I went in the garage, I got the bad I pulled up in the truck. I had basiline. I was ready for a powerful and important conversation. He had actually already finished strangling me. That was actually why I had picked up the knife. When I is one, I had to pull a knife out on somebody too, and I opening look at the damage and devastation caused by domestic abuse that happens every three seconds in America. And I cried out for my mom. I cried out for my sister because they happened to be there, they were in the same house. He was bold, here we are this is very serious topic. Is a very serious topic. It's one of those topics that touches everybody. Yeah, and in URTT exclusive, Ashanti, her sister Shea, and their mother Tina are here to open up about how domestic violence change their family forever. We're gonna start with Shia. We saw these photos you and your sister recently shared on social media, So Shea, can you tell us what was going on here? That was, Um, the results of my relationship with my ex. Those series of photos were actually a few different events. That was the darkest time in my life. That was after he had pushed me down the stairs, kicked me. There were so many different instances and experiences that at the ascount of all of a blur. But um, that particular instance, we were arguing and he literally just popped me in my eye. I had sunglasses on. How did it start out for you? What was the relationship like in the beginning? I had met him, when I had just gotten out of high school. I was just going to college. That was about eighteen or nineteen years old. I hadn't really had a real relationship, you know, a real which you would call an adult relationship. In the beginning, it was pretty fun. He was extremely attentive, complimenting me on my hair, on my clothes, what I was wearing. He was giving me the attention that I felt that I needed and that I desired. It's like, oh, this feels good. You know, this is a guy who has a little bit of money who is showing me affection, attention that I feel I haven't had. It feels good to have someone shower you with attention. And you never think in a million years that's going to turn into Do not ever think that I was connected to him because I had inner child issues, inner child trauma. I wanted to feel avoid Can you talk to us a little bit about or describe what you mean by inner child issues. Absolutely, the inner child traumas that I experienced were kind of I would say, because of my sister's career. Her actual album came out on my thirteenth birthday, like literally on my thirtee birthday, so it was an exciting time for the family. However, at the age of thirteen, that's when you come to into yourself yourself exactly. And at that time I feel as though my confidence and my belief in self I didn't have the two parent family home. Mom was trying to balance being on the road and then being there with me. And I will say, my thirteenth birthday, that's you know, you're going into your teens, and like, as a young woman, that's so exciting. And and for that to kind of be alongside this monumental career moment um could have probably felt very I mean like that was supposed to be my moment, that was supposed to be my third birthday, that was supposed to be my coming into myself. Absolutely, And what I found is that trauma is not only something that you actually go through. Our experience is something that you also are lacking as well. And moment in your life where you were looking for something and it didn't happen, and so now you develop these coping mechanisms and they show up in these relationships, and so I desired that attention. How long did the relationship last? We were together for thirteen years, but the physical abuse started within the last two to three years, but I would say the mental abuse had started from the beginning, and what did that look like? So that was like love bombing, consistent calling, checking in, how are you? I'm just calling to make sure you're okay, etcetera. The gifts, all of that contributes to the void that you feel. You enjoy someone checking in on you exactly where are you, what are you doing? And then over time it kind of became a little bit of a controlling thing. So there were things that I felt wrong. I would speak out on them, and he would try to make me believe the way that I thought was wrong. Over time, it's almost like someone is chipping away a little blighting. Yeah I am am I actually yeah? Wrong on here? Like correct? You begin to kind of question yourself and second guests, and then because you love this person, you're like, Okay, I hear what you're saying. There must be some truth to truth. So I just kept you in doubt. Yeah, I can understand that. And you're wanting to be in the relationship. You want to please him exactly, so you're trying to be the woman that he wanted exactly. To be quite honest, prior to hitting me. He had made threats. He had said things like, oh, I'm gonna do this to you, or I should do this, and I never believed it. After years of us being together, we were on a break after time he decided that he wanted to make the relationship work and I took him back, and he had began to grow suspicious of what I was doing. During the time of our break. He began to become very very jealous, very angry. He became aim even more controlling than he'd already been, and that was when the physical abuse started. So the first time then he laid hands on me was actually really horrific. He kind of planned the whole thing out, the whole scenario, so he'd put the blinds down. He yeah, like it was an actual planned out thing. He was upset about something that was an argument that we got into, and he questioned me on some things and I was just completely unaware. I'm like, you know what's going on? And he literally just punched me at my mouth, which was like I can't describe the shock. I can't describe the pain. It was like, where is this coming from? And why are you doing this to me? I ran and he chased after me and he began to continue to hit me. I ran to a neighbor's apartment. I stayed at the neighbors for probably like an hour, so I was able to actually have one of my sister's security that worked in l A come and escort me and see me out and make sure that I was good. I had to grab whatever I had on me and I went to a hotel. Who did you call when that happened? My mom? We didn't call any authority like the police or no. I didn't, And that's what's unfortunate, because I found myself in the position where I was so mentally abused that I was protecting him, acting him. I understand that I called my mom and they were in shock. They were like, what he hit you? He's never hit me before. It was verbal abuse, it was mental abuse, but I never thought that he would take it there. I feel like we sometimes as women, we give the benefit of the doubt and situations, and I really shouldn't have. So after the first time, What was a conversation that the two of you had when you went back. There was a lot of apologizing in order for me to come back. It was a lot of I'll never do that again. I don't know what came over me. I want you back. I want us to be a family. And prior to this, I had had a miscarriage and so it was I believe a play on my mind because I wanted to have a child and have a family. Looking back, it was irresponsible on my behalf. I don't know she. When we love people, we really want to believe that they can change. Don't beat yourself up for that, right. I don't want you to think that you were irresponsible or you didn't you know, to kind of put the blame on you. And it shouldn't be seen as a bad thing to be a person who won someone that they loved to change. And when we know better, we do know absolutely thank you for that. Thank you for that. I will grant myself that grace because that is a trauma response trying to correct someone trying to help. We think we can fix exactly and make that person be who it is that you desire, and we're just going to work this out. You know how far along were you when you had um I was like four months. There was verbal abuse taking place throughout that time. There was threatening like energy, you know, and so I'd come to learn that there was nothing wrong with me that caused me to miscarry. It was more so what I was experiencing that environment that I was in the stress it contributed, and that was devastating because I wanted that child so badly. So how did it escalate after the first time? I actually began therapy. Prior to the abuse, I'd gone into therapy to try to fix the relationship, and my therapist even shared with me, you know, if he's hits you once, he's going to hit you again, and it's just going to progressively get worse. Over the course of two and a half years, the abuse was pretty frequent. I would say it was more than ten times that we'd gotten into really, really heated fights. There would be times I'd have to call family members to come pick me up because we would be fighting, and I would have to get out of the car. I'd be on the side of the road calling somebody to come get me. So not only did it get worse, he'd actually knocked my teeth out, got it. It was the ultimate like that was when I left. That was the straw that broke the camel's bag. I never thought that the person that I loved could hurt me to that extent. It was a very, very small argument. It was very minimal. He had come home around seven am in the morning and I questioned him on where he was and what he was doing, and he didn't like what I had to say, and so he literally punched me in my mouth. I could literally feel my teeth. I could feel everything just shift and my whole entire face. You know. I kind of came came back to and I'm like, I see the blood, and I was in so much shock, Like it's like, it's unthinkable. It's unthinkable. It's like, you you hit me. You you broke my teeth. And he was like, no, I didn't know. I didn't you. You hit your face on the railing. You hit your face. I pushed you and you hit you. So in that moment, he was trying to manipulate what he been had occurred so that I wasn't clear on what just took place. So he knocked some of your teeth up. They were shattered and ripped away from the root that were pushed in. There's no way to really describe that film, Like, there was no way to describe that. You posted a photo of the aftermath of that night. I looked at my face and I saw blood everywhere. That was blood everywhere. Um, my teeth were obviously disconfigured. I began to become angry, obviously because when you look at your face and you see that. So I'm in a rage now. Now I'm like, I can't believe you did this to me. I'm going to pick up whatever I can, and I had gotten something. It was almost to defend myself because I felt like he was going to continue hitting me, and I cried. I cried out for my mom. I cried out for my sister because they happened to be there and they were in the same house. Yes, yes, he was real bold. Yeah, I truthfully feel as though had no one been there, he would have continued. And you said, that was that was it for you? That was it for me? You left after that, that was it for me. Sadly, I was so um, deeply, deeply codependent. I almost told myself just to shall pass, as if I was going to continue the relationship. You know, I was still trying to defend him. I didn't see myself really without him. This hard those cycles, that codependent cycle is its own addiction, and there's still a part of you that is saying, what did I do to make him do that? Correct? Correct? Did anyone call the police then? Or no? The neighbors actually called the police. The police that come to the apartment. UM, and I didn't tell the I'm going to be honest with you, guys, like I didn't tell them the truth. They asked what happened, and I made up something, um to to protect him. And I get that, I think, I think for black women, my god, it's so hard because a lot of layers just like calling the police police on black men and that you know, all of that, am I'm going to turn them over to that, you know what, I absolutely and getting and getting the police involved period. It's like telling your business yess like we we we'll figure this, not figuring it out. And that's that's real feeling like you snitching and all of that. It was almost set up because they've been said throughout the relationship, like if you ever called the police on me, if you ever do this, I'm done. I was considering all of these things. I was considering my sister, her career. I was considering a lot of things except myself. Know after the last time. When you decided that it was done, did he leave you alone or no? I left. I stayed in a hotel for about a week. I wasn't sure what my next moves were going to be. I was still trying to hide it from people, trying to hide the experience of what happened. I actually took a meeting and sat in a meeting with my teeth braced in you know, um, they had a wire on my teeth and I told them a lie, like I tripped over something, and I, you know, this is what happened to me. So I hadn't fully accepted what had happened, and so when I did leave, I began to question why did I allow this to happen to me? And then how it connected, how it connected to the rest of my family, and how if I don't heal it, this would play on in my children. I have to break these cycles, in these patterns. Speaking of family, we have your mom Tina, and we have your sister a Sean to here are beautiful. Grammy winning megastar Ashanti is the Princess of R and B and holds the record for the fastest selling debut album ever by a female artist. Throughout her multi platinum career, Ashanti and her tight knit family have been private, but after witnessing she is abusive relationship firsthand, they knew they had to speak out. Hello, ladies, beautiful, beautiful, thank you. Actually her backup singers and dancing, well, I'll tell you what. All of you are just so beautiful. Thank you you guys to this is so amazing. You just family, family down talking about I love it. Yeah, and thank you Ashanti because I know you posted those pictures. We were all like, WHOA would really love to talk to this family about this because everybody gets affected. Yes, absolutely so listening to her tell her story, how did it make you feel? I had to get my makeup done again because I was crying. Yeah, And to have that story told from her heart and the strength that she was able to display because it's always us. Back in the day, nobody talked about it. It was like a right, if that's supposed to happen. It was made to believe your mother is so right that nobody talked about People still don't talk about That's part of the problem. There are so many artists that don't talk about it, that are going through it. Even with she is sharing with me some of the people that reached out to her because of her post that are celebrities, like big celebrities that are going through this, you know. So she's so brave and we're all just super proud. Yeah, we're a private family. We don't go telling our business. I hidden so much from the world. Um, even in my previous posts. And when she posted that last post with him talking in her back and forth, girl, yeah, a lot of strength. We do have the video that you were talking about, Miss Tina. I don't I'm gonna show you. I'm gonna show you. I'm gonna show you. Keep the knife with you, keep the knight. I'm gonna show you. I'm gonna show you. I'm gonna show what you're thinking. I'm gonna shuck, stab me whoever you want. I'm gonna sho no show, no weapons yet, hypead go ahead, spit my face, beet me right, all right, I put a whip me down. I'm not doing hmm. That's hard. Why was that important for you to post? That's so important for people to see, um and here in real time because I know that there are so many other women that are going through similar situations and are experiencing things like that, and a picture is one thing, But a video where you can actually hear it and you can actually see it and feel it, it's different. You know. What's deep about that is that, um, when I was twenty one, I had to pull a knife out on somebody too, and uh scary, It's very scary. It's very very scary because you are at the mercy of wherever they're at mentally you know how far they want to take it. And I'm sitting here and I'm you know, five ft one and he's six four two and whatever pounds and he's literally like counseling me like I'm a man, you know, and he's saying, I'm not a I'm not a bit, I'm not a this, you know. And it's like, at that moment in time, I'm not fighting you. I see that where you're going to take this and he had actually already finished strangling me. Oh my god, you can hear I was scared. That was actually why I had picked up the knife because that was the only thing that was close to me that I felt that I could protect myself. And you're hoping to God you don't have to use it that I don't have to use it. Ashanti, When did you find out that all of this was going on? Yeah? Did you have any inkling that that there was abuse going on in the relationship? Yeah, either one of you. Actually, I don't know about the very very very first when it started. Ironically, I was on the phone we do in that clip. It was like gut wrenching, you know, um, because you can't get together to do nothing. So it had been something that was going on, and you don't know how to deal with it, like, Okay, we gotta respect whatever her decisions are. If I'm big sisters and I'm like, well, I don't like him and I don't think y'all should be together. Both y'all our toxic. I used to say to them all the time, you guys being together, it's like you each drinking bleach, like it's toxic. But with everything that she's gone through and growing up Shanty's little sister, it's like you want your own stuff. So there are certain things I feel like she might have put up with, you know, and it's just like, Okay, how do you deal with this? How do you deal with following her lead but still knowing this is not the right thing. Yeah, what do we do now? No one gets a book on how to how to handle, how to handle this and how to navigate because people, you know, when you love somebody, you can't necessarily just be like, hey, I'm coming to grab you up and I'm not gonna see this joke. And they were listen. I'm not a violent person, but when that call came in. As an artist, you have resources and sometimes different Oh I know, you know what it's like. I know I made the call this, you know, And to be honest with you, her being the amazing person that she is, I didn't want to take that. Bro, I understand, you understand what I'm saying to do and protecting absolutely, even through the vile disrespect, the manipulation, even how he kind of tried to come in and divide us and exactly exactly. So it was really hard when it's your baby. Oh yeah, this is my baby, right and I respect her, but I also know that I'm the one that carried her. That's the mental that I go through. So if you're going to mess with that, then you messing with me, that's right. But because I respect her and because I know that she loved him, and because I wanted to follow her lead. I shouldn't say I wanted to because I didn't want to, but I didn't out of respect. But that was the hardest thing I ever did in my life, I can imagine, and to go to her and say, you know, I could take care of this, and for her to say, no, it's okay, No, it's not okay. But I wouldn't argue with that. It was very difficult for me to accept someone that was intentionally hurting my daughter. Yeah, you know, I so understand that I have a young woman in my life that was going through the same thing. It doesn't help to interfere. I literally snatched her up and took her away. I was like, you're not gonna talk to him, You're not gonna see him. This is over. This is going to turn into a very bad situation for everybody. It didn't work. It doesn't work, and they go back, and they go back. You gotta pray and hope that one day they'll get it and they will leave on their own because you can't force it, can't make it. And then there's always him that was always trying to manipulate the family. He manipulated her, and he manipulated the family. Like my husband, he's from Brooklyn. We couldn't even really tell him, he didn't even know. It was a very dark time for all of us, and it was hard to accept seeing him still in different places, hearing about him looking at Instagram like nothing was concurred. There were times after he broke my teeth, he did continue to try to reach out. He did continue to try to come around and come with gifts, you know, crying, crying, and I want my family only. He manipulated a lot of things between us as a family. It will never happen again. It will never happen again. I had developed that post traumatic stress because he had had this presence where he felt like he was above the law. There were times he would show up. If I were to post where I was on Instagram, he would show up to that place. There were times when I was on my best friend's bed sleeping and he was literally in the window taking pictures of me and sending pictures to my phone. That night, remember you hit me? I was like, oh nah. I went in the garage, I got the bad I pulled up in the truck, I had vasoline, I was and then yeah, I was by myself because I had the adrenaline, you know what I mean. I had enough. It was done. My sister got her jaw broken, and I went after that bad that's what she think. I never found him though, I didn't know, but I went roman the neighborhood looking asking people if you see him. I remember when the incident happened in the neighbors I didn't see your face. I saw you guys like arguing. I was kind of holding them apart. This is what so manipulative. I sat with him downstairs and I'm like, yo, what's going on? What did you do? You know? And he's like, no, this, no, Sis, I didn't do nothing. It was like that, she says, some crazy you know what I'm saying. It wasn't like this. So we're sitting down. I'm in a nightgown and a bonnet in a in a in a lobby of the building. I didn't know that it got to that level. And when I go upstairs and see her face, that's when I'm like, what. When I turned and saw your mouth, my heart dropped and I almost said, damn, I should have let her hit him, because she had a bottle. So then I went and got the bottle, and I ran down street and went in the elevator, got down from your point, and I'm looking for him in a nightgown and a bonnet in a bottle. It was actually a black tourmaline crystal, because that's the one you had. It was very big, and that was ironic. When I think back, I'm like, well, that is the one that fights off bad energy, you know. But he disappeared. Yes, he knew that she was going to go back upstairs and her face he was born because she went back down there and I told her don't go, but I had to stay with her because she wanted to go. I was like, no, she's all bloody. I took that picture and she was like, mom, look what he did to me. And I said, I'm taking a picture of this because I want the world to see this. I want to go to the police. And she was crying. She wasn't crying because she was hurt. She was just serious. So she she gave me a number to call it dentist. We called the emergency room and they had to wire like not her job, but from here all the way to her teeth, and she couldn't talk. And I'll never forget I had to buy mashed potatoes for two weeks. It was a traumatic, traumatic term of time. It was a build up because the day before he said something to me like I should I should push your teeth down your face, like and we were all sitting in the living room. We were always going. He used to say things like this in front of my family. He would say I should do this, and I was like, you should what He was like, na, Na. There were times when they would have conversation eight hours. I talked to him throughout the whole situation. It was draining. The manipulation was so intertwined and deep. And I also will say because and this is an important factor to bring up, I desired that family unit. I brought him in and we became family. So he began working on projects with my sister. He began working with my mom, And that was another layer that made it difficult for me to walk away, for me to leave, because we want to his family's house, his mom and dad, because they were supposed to get married. There was so even, it was so thick that he was trying to kind of separate me from my family and make my family believe that I was the you know, person that was unreasonable unreasonable. So it was a difficult time for us as a family coming out of that relationship. How did it feel to feel the support of your mother and your sister, I'm not gonna lie. No matter how much um empathy someone has, it can seem and feel like you're isolated and like nobody really gets it. So there was a point in time where I had felt alone, even in a room full of people. But I have to say I am grateful to have had them, because I know that there are women that don't have anybody, and I can't say that I'd always felt supported. We really didn't know how to handle this situation, so we just did the best that we could in terms of we're gonna love you, We're gonna love you, whatever you need. We should have just all as a family collectively said, listen, this is not it. You shouldn't be doing this. There were times when he absolutely would manipulate my family. He would say certain things to them to make them feel like I was antagonizing him, to make them feel like I was starting these fights. He had manipulated them so badly to the point that they would sometimes believe the things that he said inside with him, and that ultimately caused a lot of chaos within the family. I'm gonna be honest with you, like it's hard to support because you don't want to continually remind her of what's going on. But maybe it's something that she needed because I knew she was hurting, but you don't realize it until you feel it by seeing it. YEA, How do you think it has changed you guys as a family unit? Yeah? Can I start? I would say it actually forced us to go to therapy, family therapy. It was really healing for us to sit as a family and for them to start to understand where I wasn't what I was going through, you know, because there were different times where I felt like, well, I wasn't defended, and it began the process of becoming more aware of things that we were not speaking about as a family. She started going to therapy. I was like, I'm your mother, what's you going to therapy for? You know what I'm saying like it was like, you can't talk to me. At first, I was offended, but then I said, no way, turn this around. She's helping her in different ways that I don't know about exactly. Personally, I wasn't brave enough to say, hey, I'm gonna go talk to a therapist. I feel like I'm good. But her bringing it to the forefront, we all benefited from it and just opening my eyes in my mind to certain things that make a difference in how you approach a situation. And I think it helped it really did. Do you feel like you have more understanding? I do have more of an understated because you know, sometimes especially with our age difference some size, it's like you you know, but it with her, with her therapists like giving an alternative. Okay, this is how you used to deal with it, but how about try this way, you know what I mean. I didn't truly begin to heal until a few years after, you know, I began to first process what took place, why it happened, and why I allowed it. I've been giving that power away for so long, and I think that that's something that we do also as women. How was I, you know, enabling this behavior? And once I began to do that, that was when the work started for me. Would you say it took you a minute to like really let go of the hope. Yeah, I kind of left without fully processing. I hadn't accepted it, and I want to bring that up as an important point because that prolonged the healing process and that avoidance that, you know, kind of let's try to sweep this under the rug. The shame and what other people think about you, it's all up in your heads, you know, and it distorts your decision making. It takes a minute for you to figure out what the hell was was that, what just happened in my life? And figure out your role in it, because you do have a role in it. But the biggest thing you have to do is forgive yourself. I like to consider myself like a phoenix, you know, we come through the fire and we rise. But it is um a story. It's a part of my journey. This is what's brought me to understanding who I am as a person. I have gotten to a point where I forgive myself and I've forgiven him even because at the end of the day, anyone that can do that to someone else, they don't love themselves. They're unclear on who they are, and that there's an old saying that what doesn't kill you make me stronger. But it should be what doesn't kill you will make your heart bigger. Recently, and I really related to that one thing I wanted to mention. Unfortunately, there were girls that I guess he was dealing with and they were kind of making fun of the situation and posting pictures of themselves smiling with their teeth and pointing at their teeth. Not only was there that, there were also friends that we've had that were mutual that were picking sides. As a black woman, when you're kicking someone when they're down, it is the most disgraceful, disgusting thing. Whatever the situation was with these females and him whatever, but that kind disrespect is so vile and it's it's harmful even mentally, you know, and it's triggering, you know what I'm saying, because I'm like, it was you know what I mean, And it's not funny like mentally with you, Like, how could you laugh at someone to make fun of somebody that's going through stuff like that? And that's a problem. I can't agree with you more, Shaunty, because I feel like as black women, we have to learn how to support each other, we really do. I think that there's so many of us who are so challenged with our own level of self respect. We're like grabbing at anything that we can to to to feel like, you know, I'm somebody, or this is gonna put me one step about her exactly. I Um, I just want to say that I'm in a beautiful place. I am not a victim. I'm not a survivor. This has happened to me and it has brought me to knowing myself on a deeper level. It's interesting that you don't want to use the word victim and survivor because I look at it like this. So when you're labeling yourself as a victim or survivor, in order for you to truly heal, you have to detach from that narrative that this was an experience that's taught me. This is an experience that I've now risen above. So you're taking your power back in that way. That's powerful. Thank you, absolutely, ladies, Thank you so much. This was beautiful. Thank you so much for coming to the table and sharing your story. Thank you. I love it, thank you, thank you. So you know, we've been a fan since forever and you said the bar, you open the doors. You're just so gracious and so classy and this was chance with her nails. It. I love it, beautiful nails. So one of my girlfriends, um Lauren Lennon during Christmas, she's like our DJ. She's like, all right, Jana, what do you want to play? I was like, girl, put on that rain on me? She says, Okay, baltimorean song. Yes, that's her nickname for me, Baltimore Songs. To join the Red Table Talk family and become a part of the conversation, follow us at facebook dot com slash red table Talk. Thanks for listening to this episode of Red Table Talk podcast, produced by Facebook Watch, Westbrook Audio, and I Heart Radio.