Lopsided Libido - How to Deal with Different Sex Drives




Do you and your spouse have different sex drives? Does one spouse want sex way more often than the other? Many married couples have different sexual desires. This episode will help you to communicate effectively about those differences and create a sex life you both enjoy. The first thing you need to know is that having different sexual desires is normal. Most married couples deal with this. There is nothing wrong with you or your marriage. The problem begins when you try to make your spouse’s sex drive match yours.



Last year, I taught a class called Wife Life: What Your Man Wished You Knew. One of the ladies in the class expressed that she was the one with the higher sex drive, not her husband. As a matter of fact, her husband rarely initiated sex. This left her feeling isolated and hurt. I would bet most spouses have little idea of the pain they cause their partner when they don’t properly communicate their sexual needs (or lack thereof). This is why this episode focuses heavily on how to communicate with your spouse about your sexual needs.


Feeling Obligated to Have Sex?


Here’s the deal. No one should feel obligated to have sex. Nope, not even married people. Sex is a privilege. It’s not a right you demand. Sheila Wray-Gregoire talked about marital consent on Episode 24: Redefining Sex, Rethinking Intimacy. You shouldn’t view sex as a “have to,” but a “get to.” When you feel obligated to have sex, you kill the mood. It’s not a beautiful exchange or an intimate connection at that point.



Instead of treating sex like a chore, think creatively about how to increase your desire. Some things you may want to consider are:


Taking a hot bath (even better if you do it together with your spouse)
Preparing the room for your experience
Lighting candles, spraying your favorite scents in the room
Tidying up your bedroom (if that’s where the action is going to go down)
Talking about sex with your spouse
Role-playing. Get creative!



When you decide to “just do it,” like I talked about in the Maintenance Sex episode, you’ll find the more you have sex, the more you’ll want to have sex.


The Downside of Sexual Rejection


When you (or your spouse) reject sex, it can cause damaging effects on your relationship. No one wants to feel rejected, especially in the vulnerable area of our sexuality. Saying no too often leads to:


Feelings of rejection/not being wanted
Insecurity
Depression
Loneliness
Isolation
Temptation (looking outside the marriage)



Although you and your spouse may have different sex drives, you need to be on the same page concerning how you’ll handle the deficit. This is where Scriptures like “Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others” come into play (Philippians 2:4). Love is selfless. It is always seeking the good of the other.



The next time you’re tempted to battle over your different sex drives, try to connect over your conflict instead.



Resources:



How to Cope with Different Libidos in Marriage by Dr. Jessica McCleese



Learn to Communicate Better About Sex – Marriage Coaching by Dana Che

Lopsided Libido - How to Deal with Different Sex Drives
 
Do you and your spouse have different sex drives? Does one spouse want sex way more often than the other? Many married couples have different sexual desires. This episode will help you to communicate effectively about those differences and create a sex life you both enjoy. The first thing you need to know is that having different sexual desires is normal. Most married couples deal with this. There is nothing wrong with you or your marriage. The problem begins when you try to make your spouse’s sex drive match yours.
 
Last year, I taught a class called Wife Life: What Your Man Wished You Knew. One of the ladies in the class expressed that she was the one with the higher sex drive, not her husband. As a matter of fact, her husband rarely initiated sex. This left her feeling isolated and hurt. I would bet most spouses have little idea of the pain they cause their partner when they don’t properly communicate their sexual needs (or lack thereof). This is why this episode focuses heavily on how to communicate with your spouse about your sexual needs.
 
Feeling Obligated to Have Sex?
Here’s the deal. No one should feel obligated to have sex. Nope, not even married people. Sex is a privilege. It’s not a right you demand. Sheila Wray-Gregoire talked about <a href='https://realrelationshiptalk.com/rethinking-intimacy-redefining-sex-with-sheila-wray-gregoire-all-about-sex-series/'>marital consent</a> on Episode 24: Redefining Sex, Rethinking Intimacy. You shouldn’t view sex as a “have to,” but a “get to.” When you feel obligated to have sex, you kill the mood. It’s not a beautiful exchange or an intimate connection at that point.
 
Instead of treating sex like a chore, think creatively about how to increase your desire. Some things you may want to consider are:
 
<ul><li>Taking a hot bath (even better if you do it together with your spouse)</li>
<li>Preparing the room for your experience</li>
<li>Lighting candles, spraying your favorite scents in the room</li>
<li>Tidying up your bedroom (if that’s where the action is going to go down)</li>
<li>Talking about sex with your spouse</li>
<li>Role-playing. Get creative!</li>
</ul>
 
When you decide to “just do it,” like I talked about in the <a href='https://realrelationshiptalk.com/what-is-maintenance-sex-should-you-be-having-it-all-about-sex-series/'>Maintenance Sex</a> episode, you’ll find the more you have sex, the more you’ll want to have sex.
 
The Downside of Sexual Rejection
When you (or your spouse) reject sex, it can cause damaging effects on your relationship. No one wants to feel rejected, especially in the vulnerable area of our sexuality. Saying no too often leads to:
 
<ul><li>Feelings of rejection/not being wanted</li>
<li>Insecurity</li>
<li>Depression</li>
<li>Loneliness</li>
<li>Isolation</li>
<li>Temptation (looking outside the marriage)</li>
</ul>
 
Although you and your spouse may have different sex drives, you need to be on the same page concerning how you’ll handle the deficit. This is where Scriptures like “Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others” come into play (Philippians 2:4). Love is selfless. It is always seeking the good of the other.
 
The next time you’re tempted to battle over your different sex drives, try to connect over your conflict instead.
 
Resources:
 
<a href='https://befullywell.com/different-libidos-marriage/'>How to Cope with Different Libidos in Marriage</a> by Dr. Jessica McCleese
 
<a href='http://danache.com/coaching'>Learn to Communicate Better About Sex</a> – Marriage Coaching by Dana Che

Ever wonder if your marriage can feel close and alive again—even after disappointment, disconnection, or broken trust?

Rebuilding Us is a Christian marriage podcast featuring honest conversations about marriage, connection, and faith. Hosted by relationship expert, speaker, and author Dana Che, each episode provides biblical relationship advice and practical tools for couples who want deep, authentic connection and real hope—and enough humor to make the hard conversations a little easier.

Whether you’re struggling with communication, recurring conflict, emotional distance, rebuilding trust, infidelity, or simply wanting a deeper connection with your spouse, Rebuilding Us will help you understand what’s really happening beneath the surface—and what it takes to move forward.

Through solo teaching, real-life stories, and conversations with insightful guests, Dana brings warmth, wisdom, candor, and humor to the conversations couples are often afraid—or unsure how—to have.

You’ll learn how to move from conflict to connection, rebuild trust, strengthen intimacy, and grow together through every season of marriage.

Because relationships can get messy. Trust can be broken. Connection can fade.

But broken doesn’t have to mean beyond repair. We’re rebuilding what life tried to break.

Welcome to Rebuilding Us. 

Get Dana's latest book, Tried and True: Marriage Advice from 12 Imperfect Biblical Couples, wherever books are sold! 

Ever wonder if your marriage can feel close and alive again&mdash;even after disappointment, disconnection, or broken trust?
Rebuilding Us is a Christian marriage podcast featuring honest conversations about marriage, connection, and faith. Hosted by relationship expert, speaker, and author Dana Che, each episode provides biblical relationship advice and practical tools for couples who want deep, authentic connection and real hope&mdash;and enough humor to make the hard conversations a little easier.
Whether you&rsquo;re struggling with communication, recurring conflict, emotional distance, rebuilding trust, infidelity, or simply wanting a deeper connection with your spouse, Rebuilding Us will help you understand what&rsquo;s really happening beneath the surface&mdash;and what it takes to move forward.
Through solo teaching, real-life stories, and conversations with insightful guests, Dana brings warmth, wisdom, candor, and humor to the conversations couples are often afraid&mdash;or unsure how&mdash;to have.
You&rsquo;ll learn how to move from conflict to connection, rebuild trust, strengthen intimacy, and grow together through every season of marriage.
Because relationships can get messy. Trust can be broken. Connection can fade.
But broken doesn&rsquo;t have to mean beyond repair. We&rsquo;re rebuilding what life tried to break.
Welcome to Rebuilding Us.&nbsp;
Get Dana's latest book, <a href="https://danache.com/tried-and-true-book/" data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://danache.com/triedandtrue&amp;source=gmail&amp;ust=1767879070424000&amp;usg=AOvVaw3Lc8E5zya32sng_mUFZb4t">Tried and True: Marriage Advice from 12 Imperfect Biblical Couples</a>,&nbsp;wherever books are sold!&nbsp;

Get the blueprint to improve your marriage and overcome hurt, rediscover intimacy, and deepen your connection. Communication problems got you down? "Rebuilding Us" gives you the valuable tools and encouragement to restore trust, learn from conflict, and navigate the ups and downs of marriage with grace and resilience.

Rebuilding Us: Christian Marriage Advice for Couples

Ever wonder if your marriage can feel close and alive again—even after disappointment, disconnection, or broken trust?

Rebuilding Us is a Christian marriage podcast featuring honest conversations about marriage, connection, and faith. Hosted by relationship expert, speaker, and author Dana Che, each episode provides biblical relationship advice and practical tools for couples who want deep, authentic connection and real hope—and enough humor to make the hard conversations a little easier.

After 27 years of marriage, Dana knows that strong relationships aren’t built by avoiding hard seasons—they’re built by learning how to move through them well.

Whether you’re struggling with communication, recurring conflict, emotional distance, rebuilding trust, infidelity, or simply wanting a deeper connection with your spouse, Rebuilding Us will help you understand what’s really happening beneath the surface—and what it takes to move forward.

Through solo teaching, real-life stories, and conversations with insightful guests, Dana brings warmth, wisdom, candor, and humor to the conversations couples are often afraid—or unsure how—to have.

You’ll learn how to move from conflict to connection, rebuild trust, strengthen intimacy, and grow together through every season of marriage.

Because relationships can get messy. Trust can be broken. Connection can fade.

But broken doesn’t have to mean beyond repair. We’re rebuilding what life tried to break.

Welcome to Rebuilding Us. 

And be sure to get Dana's new book  Tried and True: Marriage Advice from 12 Imperfect Biblical Couples wherever books are sold! 

Ever wonder if your marriage can feel close and alive again&mdash;even after disappointment, disconnection, or broken trust?
Rebuilding Us is a Christian marriage podcast featuring honest conversations about marriage, connection, and faith. Hosted by relationship expert, speaker, and author Dana Che, each episode provides biblical relationship advice and practical tools for couples who want deep, authentic connection and real hope&mdash;and enough humor to make the hard conversations a little easier.
After 27 years of marriage, Dana knows that strong relationships aren&rsquo;t built by avoiding hard seasons&mdash;they&rsquo;re built by learning how to move through them well.
Whether you&rsquo;re struggling with communication, recurring conflict, emotional distance, rebuilding trust, infidelity, or simply wanting a deeper connection with your spouse, Rebuilding Us will help you understand what&rsquo;s really happening beneath the surface&mdash;and what it takes to move forward.
Through solo teaching, real-life stories, and conversations with insightful guests, Dana brings warmth, wisdom, candor, and humor to the conversations couples are often afraid&mdash;or unsure how&mdash;to have.
You&rsquo;ll learn how to move from conflict to connection, rebuild trust, strengthen intimacy, and grow together through every season of marriage.
Because relationships can get messy. Trust can be broken. Connection can fade.
But broken doesn&rsquo;t have to mean beyond repair. We&rsquo;re rebuilding what life tried to break.
Welcome to Rebuilding Us.&nbsp;
And be sure to get Dana's new book &nbsp;<a href="https://danache.com/triedandtrue" data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://danache.com/triedandtrue&amp;source=gmail&amp;ust=1767879070424000&amp;usg=AOvVaw3Lc8E5zya32sng_mUFZb4t">Tried and True: Marriage Advice from 12 Imperfect Biblical Couples</a>&nbsp;wherever books are sold!&nbsp;

Lopsided Libido - How to Deal with Different Sex Drives
 
Do you and your spouse have different sex drives? Does one spouse want sex way more often than the other? Many married couples have different sexual desires. This episode will help you to comm...