Just B Rant: Dating Is Like Finding An Apartment

Published Dec 19, 2024, 8:00 AM

Finding the right match is like picking out an apartment. You can't have it ALL so what's really important to you? PLUS: How you can be a boss bitch and handle yourself at work? Let's talk apologies, working smart not hard, and protecting yourself.

I think dating is like finding an apartment. So if you if you're not a billionaire, and I even mean people who have like tens of millions of dollars and maybe even like one hundred million dollars or fifty million dollars, are going to have to compromise in some way in an apartment in New York City? What do I mean? Okay, it's very hard to find high ceilings, bright, good location, doorman amenities. For me, a small building, maybe a situation where you don't really have to like interact with other people in an elevator, like I said, a good location, privacy, maybe your own parking spot, maybe a garage next door, like even for someone who has one hundred million dollars, like you might not find all of this. Okay, you have to decide what you want, right, What do you want? Do you need a view? Or do you like I like to walk off the street. I don't like to get in an elevator and talk to other people and press a button to get a view. So where are you getting a massive view on by yourself? You're building a three billion dollar high rise for yourself. Like, so I'm saying, there's always gonna be some sacrifice. Take it all the way. What if you want a JACUZI, you want to pool, you want outdoor space, you have dogs, you want to entertain outside. You want a barbecue outside. Whatever it is finding a New York City apartment, there will always be a compromise fireplace. You can't have a real wood burning fireplace, but you can have a gas you can't have either. There will always be something central ac like it never ends. I've found amazing places. There's always a rub. That's what a relationship is. So what is most important to you me in an apartment. The size of the space and the way the space is used is critical. I don't need a very fancy lobby. I don't need people to be impressed when they walk into my lobby. I really need nondescript and clean. But my apartment to be what I need it to be. I don't really need a view per se, but I need some version of a view, like it doesn't have to be of the ocean or of the mountains, but it has to not be that I look in the back to like a hedge, like I'm in some basic, normal backyard. I have to have some version of a view or something that feels great, and if I don't, something else has to be that amazing. So I've had crazy multi million dollar apartments in New York City. There were forty two hundred square feet. But I'm kind of looking at nothing. And I have a place in Miami that every room has ocean view, but it's a small place and I'm compromising on my closet. It's like, that's what relationships are. So what is important to you? So is it the most important that you feel safe? What if you need to feel safe, cared for and loved, but then you won't have good sex and you won't feel like you're having fun. What if you feel safe and are having fun, you know someone loves you, but you're having fun, but that person is a drug addict literally because you know, I have you ever been in a relationship with someone who has like an alcohol issue or a drug issue? But what if they're a good person? Are they going to change? Like? Are you going to be there for that change? What is most important? What if the person is a great father, or you're divorced and they're great to your kids, but you you often feel like you're on shaky ground. What if someone has OCD. What if someone has massive anxiety, they get really anxious. What if someone's bipolar, what if someone's depressed? Like, what if someone has an eating disorder? Like? What is it? We're never getting something perfect? So how much can someone change? And how do you decide what's on your menu? And does your menu change? You know? Sometimes the pendulum swings. You get in one relationship and you are with someone who, let's just say, is fun is wild? Like you love it, you love their family, you love their mom, you love their kids, you think they're hot, but you don't feel that safe. Then in the next relationship you want to feel really, really safe, but the person is not fun and you don't like their family and it's boring. How do you decide what needs to change, what you're willing to settle for, Like what if it's a religious thing, like someone is not doesn't or doesn't align with you on politics? My friend says, you weigh the pros and cons. You write a list and also a good way is wants and needs. What do you want? What do you need? And you can write it out for another person. Certainly can't do that on your first date. But before you get too far into the wrong card. You may want to a write down what you want before meeting someone, but the game will move quickly and things will change and you'll have things on the menu that you didn't even think were on the menu. So once you get into a relationship, and let's say, as you're approaching three months, because three months is a critical period, you start to like hone in and be like, okay, if we're deciding whether we're really going to go the distance, do you have this? Do you have that? Can you be this? Can you not be that? Can you change? And then what if you get to six months? That's getting serious. You know, some people believe you should be with someone four seasons. So I just think it's interesting to think about if people can change and what is most important, and it will be different from men many people. Some people need autonomy, They need to feel free and independent. They can't be shackled, you know. Some people need fidelity. Some people need you to be loyal. Some other people could have an open relationship as long as they're loved and they're getting what they need, they don't care what you do, like, what are the wants, what are the needs? What are the pros? What are the cons what are the possibilities for change and what can you settle for and what can you not settle for? And also how does someone look in your future? How does someone look with you when you're eighty on the bench. Is this who you're going to grow old with? What is going to be important when you get older? I think it's an interesting conversation. As women, we are too apologetic in business. Someone recently said to me, don't apologize that you've just said that, because I had just laid down the law about something in work, and women tend to then feel badly and apologize after. Now. It doesn't mean you're not supposed to be mean, and you're not supposed to be half cocked, unhinged, abusive, nothing like that. But if you're straightforward and you lay down the law, things fall into place. And I've found that in business I've been much more successful when i've done that, and I've been doing it more lately. So let me give you an example. Someone does something that is completely unacceptable, like it has crossed the line, and it requires a very strong response instead of hedging it, instead of saying you're really great and you're doing great, and I usually say I literally said, what exactly were you thinking? Like I was intense, I was harsh. I didn't back down, and I stuck to it. Someone did apologize later in a very sort of diluted way, which did stick with me, because when you do something wrong at work or in life, it's not what you do, it's how you respond afterwards, and you better buck up, and you better apologize in a strong, meaningful, authentic manner, a genuine manner, like you mean it, not like a throwaway, because I find that sometimes people get self conscious and insecure and when they're apologizing, they're kind of like it's like a throwaway, Like it's like they're doing you a favor. And if you're going to apologize to me, it better be a fully baked apology. But also, I'm not going to apologize for saying when something is absolutely unacceptable. Another thing that goes on sometimes we do like we do at home with our kids, and we do too much, and we kind of are there as a crutch for people that work for us, and then and they lean on that, and you find yourself in every weed, and the weeds will always grow back, so you find yourself going into different weeds and people may not know what you're going through. It might happen in your life and like your household as like a parent or a mother, where you're the giving tree and people keep pulling. It might happen at work where people just the muscle. People just rely on that muscle, and so they keep asking you because you're not creating boundaries and you're not doing that in your house. And so what's been happening lately is I'll say I can do my job, I can't do yours, And that seems like a bitchy thing, but it's entirely true, and I mean it from with every fiber of my being. And a man could say that and totally get away with it without seeming like no one calls a man a bitch, you know, like people think that women are bitchy if they're tough, And you know what, if you're going to be strong in business and successful, you have to be direct, straightforward, fair, but tough. And so I've recently been not apologizing about the basic standards of what needs to happen in a workplace. And when you become more successful and things start thriving, you're going to find that not everybody is up to snuff. You will find that people get left behind. And it's really not show friends, it's show business. You should always be loyal and honest. And I do have people that work with me that work fewer hours and get paid more money, and they've been with me forever because trust is massive, and so is hard work and loyalty and honesty. It's invaluable. But some people will be left by the waystside if they're not meeting you where you're at and rising to the occasion. And you will see a change in people when you know employees can like almost bully employers, meaning they can sometimes like push to as far as you'll let them, and you decide where the line is and what's acceptable and what's unacceptable, and who's going the extra mile and who's like only counting every single minute, every single hour, every single lunch break and really just is waiting to get to that. You know the difference. You know who's going all the way, And you take the people all the way that work from day one, like they're going all the way, even if they're not getting paid, like they're going all the way, even if they have the grunt work job. Like that's when you really see who people are. But I am a person that will say this is unacceptable and I will only do my job. I will not do yours because as those days are over, business is too big and if you are spending time in the weeds, you're not spending time on the big picture. If you have to be the rain maker and make the big decisions and the strategic decisions. Or even at work, if you work for somebody else or you work with other people, you're pulling someone else's weight. Absolutely not. Doesn't mean you won't help someone out, especially if someone's drowning, but it means day to day you have to do your job to the best of your ability, because if you're doing someone else's job, then you're slacking on your own. And ultimately, everybody has to do the job that is at the seat that they're in, and doing extra is great when you finish, it's great, but we all, as parents and as professionals, get sucked into weeds. You've got to try as you go into twenty twenty five to not get sucked down in the weeds. They will drown you, they will strangle you, and you can't get out, and other people will get used to you being in those weeds. So the balance has been critical for me. It's such a good feeling when you just have that boundary and you just absolutely will not do a job it's not your own, and you will not accept other people not doing their jobs. And people need to work smart. It's not about working harder, it's about working smarter. I find so many people expend so much energy in the wrong area, like they just you watch them flailing. They're not efficient, they're not organized, they're not path of least resistance, and you're sitting there saying you're exasperated and exhausted because you're not working smart. And people have to be in the right seats to be able to work smart. It's a very, very big thing. And when you're talking about your staff, you have to think about who's in what seat, because if someone's in the wrong seat, if you have someone playing the wrong position on a basketball team or a football team or in crew or anything, they could be terrible. Someone could be terrible if they're playing the wrong sport the wrong position. So you make sure as you look at your business and people around you, that everybody is sitting in the best seat for them to thrive in

Rants with Bethenny Frankel

Bethenny Frankel tells it like it is. RANT Definition: speak or shout at length in a wild, impassio 
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