So I went to the jingle Ball, and I brought my daughter and we were going to stay late and get to Olivia Rodrigo. And I loved Jelly Roll. Who knew I liked Jelly Roll. I loved his music. He was so cool two years before Caine Brown. Never heard of that guy until then, And so I like that, You know, I don't go to listen to music I art does it really well because you're at Madison Square Garden, which is not my cup of tea. Usually. I love Madison Square Garden and actually, to compliment them, I just went to the Pink concert and that was very civilized too. So I was going to say the idea of going to Madison Square Garden can be overwhelming because I don't love crowds and just get anxiety about that and getting in and getting out. And the jingle Ball every year is just so well run, which says a lot about iHeart. It says a lot about Madison Square Garden because it's just so pleasant. You feel safe, you don't feel chaotic, you feel like you can get access to things, you can get to places. It's just run really well. And it's the same people that do Radio City. Because I see the same security guys and I think it is or the same guys work at both places. But like it's just run well. So that's great. The jingle Ball is like a civilized concert, you know. And it's also great because you're not just listening to one artist the whole time. Like you could hear someone play four songs. You don't like them, you don't care, you're a little curious, you know one, so then you're on to the next thing. It's sort of like someone with a tension death is a disorders dream, like oh, okay, we did that. Now we're doing gangster rap, all right. Now we did country. Now we're doing gospel. Like it was very cool, and I always learned something and learn Oh, you know, I'm like the old person that's like, oh wait, that person's song. And it's every mom like I am. So I am the Justin Bieber of the jingle Ball because it's all the moms that have teens that you know, have the fanny packs and the big oversized coffee cups and the cross body and something blank out and like these are my people. So like I, you know, I'm very big at the jingle Ball, you know, And that gen pop you know area that we're in where everyone's just in rows and I was like, oh my god, the daughter watched me on TikTok. The mom loves my dollar store. I'm like, I'm you know, the mom's at CBS like quoting my reviews, like I'm just very big. I honestly I'll take Justin Bieber on any well, no I won't because I'll want the kids are there, but in my delusional mind, on the Justin Bieber of of the moms at the Jingle Ball. So I'm watching and I see Martha on stage, I see Andy Cohen up like not in the you know, and like the concert gets like diagonal, like I'm on the floor in the like the pit, and then like on the right, it's like a little like a couple of rows up. I see Andy Cohen in the distance in a flannel talking to some guys, just like drinking a beer, I think, And I uh, it's too soon for both of us, I'm sure, but it's like I know that we both have like fond memories and it's con fusing all around, and I'm sure it's confusing for him. Although it's I've been fairly clear and I've got no like personal vendetta against Andy Cohen by any means. He just kind of lives in and reflects this sort of world that got, in my opinion, a little out of control. So but I had like, you know, it's the holidays and feeling sentimental. There's no reason to like burn everything down to the grounds. Is no, Like, It's not like I don't find Andy very pleasant, very charming, very you know, amusing, and have like fond memories. I didn't go through like I'm delusional And in other nostalgic full circle news, Martha Stewart was there, which I talked about, but it was just crazy because she It's a big place in Madison Square Garden and she's sitting in my row way at the end. But I didn't think I knew that. I saw her up on stage and this woman Heather was like walking in front of us to get to her seats, and she said hi, and I said Ahi, I was nice, and she said do you want to come say hi to Martha. I was like, well, don't I ever? And I wanted to grab Brynn. It was like I wanted to grab Brint to like show Martha that I'm like a grown adult that like has a child just like her, like a daughter, a single you know, an only daughter. And Brinn was listening to the concert and I had a make up my makeup person, Jason, who's grade who I said, you should stay and go to the event, And this guy Kyle was with us, and I was a get the like, come you should probably this is something we should probably capture. I just had a feeling and I always go back to like you always go back to the way you were as a kid with your parent, or like someone used to work for. You could have a person who used to work four years ago as your boss and you now like own the company they work for, you'd still feel that same dynamic. And my dynamic with Martha, you know it, it changed in the last couple of years where I got more empowered, like we're you know, I'm on her level, which I don't really pretend to think that I am, only because she's a legend and she's been in this business for a really long long time. And I you know, and I don't mean this in any sort of shady way. I respect people that came before me, let's say it that way. So but she's undeniably a legend. I mean, she's she created the whole domestic movement. Like everything that every you know, Rachel Ray and Barfoot Contesta and every person after that, did Sandra Lee, all of it. It started with Martha. Well, I mean Julia Child's was a was a chef and was in the kitchen. But this is like a different story. So I'm like the hell I am, I always like reduced to who I used to be, where I was like, hey my dad, you know, and it's happened so many times, and I've been shut down so many times. You have no idea the crazy stories I have about Martha and I like the comments that she's made to me are insane, and like the comments that I've made back are insane. It's really been like this nemesis sort of friendly rivalry. Like she did say on Andy Cohen's show that she made a mistake and not hiring me. She acknowledges that, but she's still, you know, couldn't kind of stand me call she called me a pest on my own talk show. Like it was back and forth, but it was never like vicious. It was just sort of like healthy battle, you know, and for no good reason, but I'll never forget and I have so many stories, so if you guys like them, I'll tell more Martha stories. Remind me to tell you the story of Noboo Martha at Nobu on fifty seventh Street, because it's a crazy story. It's after like this piece came out about me when I was on The Apprentice and I had been topless in some shitty film years ago, like in a just bathing toples scene in the back. It wasn't like I was Trishia Petus like on OnlyFans. It was just like my saggy boobs or just laying topless. But anyway, it was an article on the back page of page six and it's called me Martha's a Porntis And I'll tell you the story later. But she chose to bring that up at Noboo, like it's so it was so pertinent to nothing that was going on. I hadn't seen her in months, and she just brought it up because it was a right random shot to fire. So and of course I was like, well, I just got an insider stock tip, Martha. Like so, because it's gonna cost me thirty five hundred dollars a story. If you guys like it plus tax. So I'm on The Apprentice Martha Stewart and I am the runner up. I don't win. Who cares if I thought I should want? It's a touching story. It doesn't matter what anyone thought. I didn't fucking win. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter whether you bought your way onto the Forbes under thirty lifts or whether you bought your way onto the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Your fucking star is on there, so it doesn't matter. Okay. And if someone comes over here and says to me, hey, for free, I'll give you a big discount. We'll give you a star on the Walk of Fame. Here's my fucking check. If someone says you're gonna get on the met Gala and you can go there and wear dollar store makeup and land the fucking roll, where's the check? Where's your venmo, I'll send you the money right now. About the star Walk of Fame, it's about going to the Mechala, and it's about winning the Apprentice. Okay, So I didn't win, Who gives a good fuck? I came in second. Nobody cares how it happened. Nobody gives a shit who came in second the derby. Okay, great, I'm devastated I came in second. I thought I was gonna have the job. I wanted the job working for I wanted to democratize style like she did health. That was my big line. That's what I felt. I wanted to like be in there and be her number two and this whole thing. Incidentally, someone just quoted on Instagram something she said about in her masterclass, like if you see something in someone, you grab that person. And people were like, why didn't she grab you? And she didn't. Then she later said, I watch what Happens Live, she made a mistake, which I do not believe that Martha Stewart says often. So I've got that in my change purse. But I didn't win, and I was broke, and I was invited by a Lei Slaine, who was a housewife for a minute, to be her beard on a trip in Saint Bart's. But I didn't know that I was gonna be her beard. I didn't know what her story was in her marriage. I thought, I don't know she. I thought she was friends with this guy, she was dating him. It's not my business. I don't care. I just wish I had asked her to give me a check for being the Beard. I couldn't give a shit. What people do in their private life not my business. But I was invited by her to go to Saint Bart's. Let me remember, well we on a did she get the sky to fly us on a private plane? It might have been I don't remember. It might have been like rolling that deep. She's a big fucking game hunter. She had a rich husband. She dated this guy. She dated a guy who worked under Ron Perlman. She ended up getting an apartment out of that. She dated Howard Sobel, who's another big she did she dated. I think she flirted around with Donnie Deutsch but never dated him. She's a big game hunter, just not as good as Lauren Sanchez. Got to fucking respect it. Go a Lee Slang invited me at Saint Bart's. So they we go to Saint Bart's and I know that Martha's gonna be there. And I don't know why I know, but I know someone I know knows her. I know she's gonna be there. Oh, because I used to be friends with Paul Allen, the billionaire who founded Microsoft. May he rest in peace with Bill Gates liked Paul Allen, really smart guy. How I know him this is the ultimate fucking rant for the Holidays. How I know him is when I worked for Jerry Bruckheimer, the producer that his wife, Linda Bruckheimer, she was like another She was like an hbiic like me, like organizing everything from antiques to rubber bands. And I was her assistant. And Jerry Bruckheimer's her husband, and he produced Top Gun and Dais of Thunder and freaking a million movies you've heard of, like the Rock on Alcatraz, Connyer. He's a member of the Not Fucking Around crew. So I was working for them, and for the summer in Malibu, they needed someone to get their house that now would be worth fifty seventy five million. Then it was worth probably five to six million to get their house ready because they were renting it out too, either to Meg Tilly after Steve Tish or too Steve Tish after Meg Tilly. Meg Tilly's an actress. Steve Tish is a producer produced Forrest Gump, another fucking rich, rich, rich motherfucker. They owned the Giants, his brothers, John Tish. I could go on for days, so many fucking stories within this story, but enjoy and try to get a pen and paper and follow along. So I worked for the Bruckheimers and I had to get their spare house in Malibu. Yep, their spare house ready for these people. So the girl who was the main number one assistant, Carol, tasked me to come. And we were living on Carbon Canyon where Sebesta stallone was where all the rich people were. That's a plus fucking major major bag alert, like Larry Ellison. Uh, you know, multi billionaire has a house there. You cannot if you don't have a if you don't have a spare plane, you don't have a place on Carbon Canyon. So we were the babysitters of the house. So I would drive there my forged probe and David Geffen was our neighbor and he liked me, and he asked me to come to his house as dinner party to be Paul Allen to date because someone intelligent he thought I was intelligent could sit next to Paul Allen because there were a bunch of dum dums and a bunch of Hollywood types. So David Geffen was having Paul Allen, the founder of Microsoft over. I don't know who the fuck he was, so that's how I met him. So I knew Paul Allen. And I've always been the same way I am now, So even when I was broke, I always knew people because I was just always exactly the same. So I knew Paul Allen and Paul Allen while I was on the Apprentice towards the end, made the mistake of telling Martha that he knew me. Big mistake, huge, Julia Roberts, because that made me look like I was in a different level, Like I was sort of at Martha Stuart's level, and I needed Martha to think I was not at her level because we wanted her to hire me, Like I'm not interested in hiring people to work, you know, for me now that they're gonna be like, oh hey, yeah, I know Madonna too. It's just not what goes down. That was the first mistake, and I made another mistake with Martha. I had seen Bill Clinton at lunch at Barney's. That sounds really fucking relatable. Just coincidentally, I ran in to Bill Clinton and he was with his daughter Chelsea eating at Barney's, and I was eating because I was The live finale was at night, and I was with my friends who came in and flew in for the finale, and I was eating with them, and this is my hand to God, this is a true fucking story. It ended up in the post. Bill Clinton was there. We walk out at the same time. I walk up and I say like, oh, hi, tonight, I'm you know tonight, I'm I'm doing a live finale with Martha Stewart, like a big name drop. I needed something my hands to got. He had spinach in his tooth, and I told him, and he was with very light security and he took the spinach drop his tooth. It's the only interaction I've ever had with him. I interviewed his wife Hillary on this podcast, and you could if you ever ran into Bill Clinton, it probably would embarrass him. But it's so many years later. But he and Chelsea were having lunch. She was obviously much younger, she was a kid, And yes, he had spinach on his teeth, and he would remember that because he seems really fucking smart. I would not think that's what you would bring up to him, but that's what did happen. So lo and behold, that was the day my dumb fucking ass goes back to the finale that night and mentions to Martha that I ran into Bill Clinton, so I can be making this all up. I'll never bring it up again. But it's not that relatable for Martha Stewart to know that one of her contestants knows Bill Clinton and Paul Allen. And incidentally, in walking through the suite one day when I wasn't there for some reason, she commented on this Louis Vutant outfit that I had, that a man that I had dated had bought for me. So I don't think that I was that relatable and seem like I needed the job even though I was broken. I fucking needed the job. I digress. I don't get the job. I'm Elisee Slaine's beard, and I'm going to Saint Bart's and with her friend Matt, nice guy, and they have me staying in like not a real hotel room at the fancy rich Hotel La twenty in Saint Bart's, but like some sort of like person who owns or manages the hotels, like like staff cottage, but it was lovely. It was a cottage, but it's like a hotel it's very romantic. Way up in the mountains. You're kind of alone, and she's on a romantic vacation. I'm just the beard. So I don't really have transportation. I'm fucking around. I don't have anything going on, but I have one thing going on. Paul Allen has a boat, a yacht. His three boats. One is called the octopusy This one is three hundred feet at the time, and we're in St. Barts and I'm invited to his New Year's Eve party. Okay, we're getting to how it's gonna cost me thirty five hundred dollars this story. So he has a New Year's Eve party. I know because he told me. I believe that Martha was gonna be on that New Year's Eve party. Now I didn't win. So it's like Martha's the guy that just broke up with me that I want to run into and I'm gonna fucking look so hot and one thing I have, and Martha's beautiful and looks hot. Now like I was in my how old was I was young? I was you could wear things I wouldn't wear. Now I'm a mom, like you know, I wear fucking crossbody bags and shirp of fucking clogs, Like it's not the same. So Martha and Martha's a lot older. Martha then was my age. Martha was at Shirpa Clog wearing age, you know, cross body age. So Martha's gonna be on this boat. And I'm like, I'm gonna fucking wear the most fuck you outfit anyone who's ever seen in their life. I have a picture. We're gonna have to show it one day. I don't know how we show a picture on a podcast, but we'll have to figure that out. I have to teleport it to you, okay, because I will post you Guys will ask me the comments of like this was the fuck you dress? The number? I have two fuck you dresses. I've worn them both to the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, the only place you can wear the biggest fuck you dress besides Vegas or on TikTok, but not me. So I'm like, I'm gonna bring the most fuck you dress. How did I afford adult Jakeabana fuck you dress? How waiting online for adult Jake Abana samples, getting it ninety percent off and clubbing someone over the head for it? So I wear my fucking doltcea Gabana laces all the way down both sides, and I don't mean like laces, like tight shoelaces, like there's a wide gap. It's a black satin dolt Jake Abana corset dress that hugs you and it's on your body, and it's got two giant gaps on both sides going all the way down with only laces like tying it all the way down. It is the ultimate countiest fuck you dress in history. Number one. I have another one. This one's more of the laces, the fucking allure of it, the mystery. I wear this onto that fucking boat that you have to take a boat to get to the boat. And I get on that boat and I don't know what I'm gonna say. It's the guy. It's the guy that broke up with you. What the fuck are you gonna say? You're gonna probably you have the biggest thing. You're gonna say. Someone's gonna be flirting with you. You don't know what you're gonna say, Just like when Charlotte on Sex and the City didn't know what she'd say if she saw a big and she's like, you'll rue the day he'll rue it who knows so, but she ended up running into him. What's her name was having a bait when oh, when she was going into labor, so she couldn't say anything great. So I get on the boat and it's the first person I see, likely because Martha and myself were people who would show up early, like we're showing up. We don't want to get our seat and we just like to know where we are. I get on the boat and I walk over and Martha is talking to John bon Jovi and to God, may I be burned at the stake right now and struck by lightning. This is not exactly what fucking happened. She's talking to John bon Jovi. I walk up to her and I say hi Martha, and she says to John bon Jovi, Oh, hi Bethany. She said, this is Bethany. She was just on my show, The Apprentice, but she's mad at me because she didn't win. This is days after the finale. What other contestant gets to run into the person who was like at the helm of this thing because there's someone's beard for a future housewife in St. Barts and is on their own alone oftion. So I and I have no like I'm nobody. I'm nothing, I've no money. I have this fucking dress. I clubb someone over the head for that's all that I have in this world. That's all that I'm clinging to, and it is clinging to me. And she says, she says that line about that. I'm you know, I didn't win, so I'm mad at her. And I say this line to Martha Stewart, Martha, I'm not mad at you. You're like an ex boyfriend that I hate but I'm still in love with. That was the microphone dropping, and that was it. That was all I had to do on the boat. I was on the boat. I met some people. I was insecure. I was alone. I was a loser. It wasn't as cool to be alone. I didn't have TikTok or my social media followers to talk to and pretend I was busy, just alone on a boat with billionaires on an island with no money to spend on it. That was it. Got off the boat, lived my life happily. Ever after ran into Martha. Maybe a couple of other times. This is gonna be a new series called Martha Stories. The next one would be me and Martha at Nobu and Malibu. There's another one of me and Martha at Bette Midler's Halloween party. And I have another one on the street with Jason and now I will tell you the final Martha's story. And I have another one when she came out of my talk show, which I give her. And I have another one when we were going to do a TV show together because Andy Cohen told Martha Stewart that the only way he wanted to do anything with her and produce something with her is if it was a show of the two of us together. So we went on that journey, and then most recently and then on my talk show, and then most recently at the jingle Ball, I walked up to Martha and I didn't have any kind of big plan, and I didn't feel scorned, and I didn't have anything to prove, and I feel like I am a whole, put together, well made Ikia cabinet. And I walked up to Martha and I sat down and I said, You're amazing. What you've been doing is unbelievable. I'm so impressed, I said, I kissed the proverbial ring. I said, I'm sorry for anything that has ever happened, full tail right between legs, don't even know what I'm sorry for, doesn't fucking matter. Meaning like we're both grown ass women who have nothing to prove in this life, and it was it just hit different, It just hit different. We were like mano amano, two women with one daughter, two women who have undeniably been successful in this crazy journey, on this crazy path, two women who have been appreciated for their humor. Me more expected her at the Friars Club roast like she she has really leaned into not taking yourself seriously. She works with snoop, She's fully self deprecating, and she's earned it. Like she has earned it. She is relevant at her age. She looks amazing. She's out at the jingle Ball, like, you know, like, give the fucking shut the ride man. She deserves it. She won the prize. She she gave it to me, to Andy Cohen, and I'm giving it back to her to you. She deserves it, whatever it is, give her the fucking prize. So I went over to her at the jingle Ball, I I you know, turned to her and I gave her the prize and I kissed the ring indeference in adoration. But there was something different because I when I was younger and on roller skates and at Nobu and on that boat, there was something shakier about me, not confident. I hadn't earned it yet. I just hadn't gone through the ranks of it. I hadn't, you know, fought the fought, walk, the walk, talk the talk, proven myself really at a level where not only everybody else would think that I had earned my seat the table, but where I would really know that I've earned my seat at the table, like you know that I can get the same people on speed dial that she can. And it felt different walking over there. But she treated me differently, she received me differently. It wasn't even that she received me, She just met me in the middle. We were both two women, and there was just a vibe from the second I sat down, because trust me, if I got a cold vibe or any vibe, I wouldn't have done what I did. But there was just something about Mary and something about Martha and me walking up to her, it just it just was we were like equals, and it landed and I gave her what she deserved and is earned. And that was my story with Martha

So I went to the jingle Ball, and I brought my daughter and we were going to stay late and get to Olivia Rodrigo. And I loved Jelly Roll. Who knew I liked Jelly Roll. I loved his music. He was so cool two years before Caine Brown. Never heard of that guy until then, And so I like that, You know, I don't go to listen to music I art does it really well because you're at Madison Square Garden, which is not my cup of tea. Usually. I love Madison Square Garden and actually, to compliment them, I just went to the Pink concert and that was very civilized too. So I was going to say the idea of going to Madison Square Garden can be overwhelming because I don't love crowds and just get anxiety about that and getting in and getting out. And the jingle Ball every year is just so well run, which says a lot about iHeart. It says a lot about Madison Square Garden because it's just so pleasant. You feel safe, you don't feel chaotic, you feel like you can get access to things, you can get to places. It's just run really well. And it's the same people that do Radio City. Because I see the same security guys and I think it is or the same guys work at both places. But like it's just run well. So that's great. The jingle Ball is like a civilized concert, you know. And it's also great because you're not just listening to one artist the whole time. Like you could hear someone play four songs. You don't like them, you don't care, you're a little curious, you know one, so then you're on to the next thing. It's sort of like someone with a tension death is a disorders dream, like oh, okay, we did that. Now we're doing gangster rap, all right. Now we did country. Now we're doing gospel. Like it was very cool, and I always learned something and learn Oh, you know, I'm like the old person that's like, oh wait, that person's song. And it's every mom like I am. So I am the Justin Bieber of the jingle Ball because it's all the moms that have teens that you know, have the fanny packs and the big oversized coffee cups and the cross body and something blank out and like these are my people. So like I, you know, I'm very big at the jingle Ball, you know, And that gen pop you know area that we're in where everyone's just in rows and I was like, oh my god, the daughter watched me on TikTok. The mom loves my dollar store. I'm like, I'm you know, the mom's at CBS like quoting my reviews, like I'm just very big. I honestly I'll take Justin Bieber on any well, no I won't because I'll want the kids are there, but in my delusional mind, on the Justin Bieber of of the moms at the Jingle Ball. So I'm watching and I see Martha on stage, I see Andy Cohen up like not in the you know, and like the concert gets like diagonal, like I'm on the floor in the like the pit, and then like on the right, it's like a little like a couple of rows up. I see Andy Cohen in the distance in a flannel talking to some guys, just like drinking a beer, I think, And I uh, it's too soon for both of us, I'm sure, but it's like I know that we both have like fond memories and it's con fusing all around, and I'm sure it's confusing for him. Although it's I've been fairly clear and I've got no like personal vendetta against Andy Cohen by any means. He just kind of lives in and reflects this sort of world that got, in my opinion, a little out of control. So but I had like, you know, it's the holidays and feeling sentimental. There's no reason to like burn everything down to the grounds. Is no, Like, It's not like I don't find Andy very pleasant, very charming, very you know, amusing, and have like fond memories. I didn't go through like I'm delusional And in other nostalgic full circle news, Martha Stewart was there, which I talked about, but it was just crazy because she It's a big place in Madison Square Garden and she's sitting in my row way at the end. But I didn't think I knew that. I saw her up on stage and this woman Heather was like walking in front of us to get to her seats, and she said hi, and I said Ahi, I was nice, and she said do you want to come say hi to Martha. I was like, well, don't I ever? And I wanted to grab Brynn. It was like I wanted to grab Brint to like show Martha that I'm like a grown adult that like has a child just like her, like a daughter, a single you know, an only daughter. And Brinn was listening to the concert and I had a make up my makeup person, Jason, who's grade who I said, you should stay and go to the event, And this guy Kyle was with us, and I was a get the like, come you should probably this is something we should probably capture. I just had a feeling and I always go back to like you always go back to the way you were as a kid with your parent, or like someone used to work for. You could have a person who used to work four years ago as your boss and you now like own the company they work for, you'd still feel that same dynamic. And my dynamic with Martha, you know it, it changed in the last couple of years where I got more empowered, like we're you know, I'm on her level, which I don't really pretend to think that I am, only because she's a legend and she's been in this business for a really long long time. And I you know, and I don't mean this in any sort of shady way. I respect people that came before me, let's say it that way. So but she's undeniably a legend. I mean, she's she created the whole domestic movement. Like everything that every you know, Rachel Ray and Barfoot Contesta and every person after that, did Sandra Lee, all of it. It started with Martha. Well, I mean Julia Child's was a was a chef and was in the kitchen. But this is like a different story. So I'm like the hell I am, I always like reduced to who I used to be, where I was like, hey my dad, you know, and it's happened so many times, and I've been shut down so many times. You have no idea the crazy stories I have about Martha and I like the comments that she's made to me are insane, and like the comments that I've made back are insane. It's really been like this nemesis sort of friendly rivalry. Like she did say on Andy Cohen's show that she made a mistake and not hiring me. She acknowledges that, but she's still, you know, couldn't kind of stand me call she called me a pest on my own talk show. Like it was back and forth, but it was never like vicious. It was just sort of like healthy battle, you know, and for no good reason, but I'll never forget and I have so many stories, so if you guys like them, I'll tell more Martha stories. Remind me to tell you the story of Noboo Martha at Nobu on fifty seventh Street, because it's a crazy story. It's after like this piece came out about me when I was on The Apprentice and I had been topless in some shitty film years ago, like in a just bathing toples scene in the back. It wasn't like I was Trishia Petus like on OnlyFans. It was just like my saggy boobs or just laying topless. But anyway, it was an article on the back page of page six and it's called me Martha's a Porntis And I'll tell you the story later. But she chose to bring that up at Noboo, like it's so it was so pertinent to nothing that was going on. I hadn't seen her in months, and she just brought it up because it was a right random shot to fire. So and of course I was like, well, I just got an insider stock tip, Martha. Like so, because it's gonna cost me thirty five hundred dollars a story. If you guys like it plus tax. So I'm on The Apprentice Martha Stewart and I am the runner up. I don't win. Who cares if I thought I should want? It's a touching story. It doesn't matter what anyone thought. I didn't fucking win. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter whether you bought your way onto the Forbes under thirty lifts or whether you bought your way onto the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Your fucking star is on there, so it doesn't matter. Okay. And if someone comes over here and says to me, hey, for free, I'll give you a big discount. We'll give you a star on the Walk of Fame. Here's my fucking check. If someone says you're gonna get on the met Gala and you can go there and wear dollar store makeup and land the fucking roll, where's the check? Where's your venmo, I'll send you the money right now. About the star Walk of Fame, it's about going to the Mechala, and it's about winning the Apprentice. Okay, So I didn't win, Who gives a good fuck? I came in second. Nobody cares how it happened. Nobody gives a shit who came in second the derby. Okay, great, I'm devastated I came in second. I thought I was gonna have the job. I wanted the job working for I wanted to democratize style like she did health. That was my big line. That's what I felt. I wanted to like be in there and be her number two and this whole thing. Incidentally, someone just quoted on Instagram something she said about in her masterclass, like if you see something in someone, you grab that person. And people were like, why didn't she grab you? And she didn't. Then she later said, I watch what Happens Live, she made a mistake, which I do not believe that Martha Stewart says often. So I've got that in my change purse. But I didn't win, and I was broke, and I was invited by a Lei Slaine, who was a housewife for a minute, to be her beard on a trip in Saint Bart's. But I didn't know that I was gonna be her beard. I didn't know what her story was in her marriage. I thought, I don't know she. I thought she was friends with this guy, she was dating him. It's not my business. I don't care. I just wish I had asked her to give me a check for being the Beard. I couldn't give a shit. What people do in their private life not my business. But I was invited by her to go to Saint Bart's. Let me remember, well we on a did she get the sky to fly us on a private plane? It might have been I don't remember. It might have been like rolling that deep. She's a big fucking game hunter. She had a rich husband. She dated this guy. She dated a guy who worked under Ron Perlman. She ended up getting an apartment out of that. She dated Howard Sobel, who's another big she did she dated. I think she flirted around with Donnie Deutsch but never dated him. She's a big game hunter, just not as good as Lauren Sanchez. Got to fucking respect it. Go a Lee Slang invited me at Saint Bart's. So they we go to Saint Bart's and I know that Martha's gonna be there. And I don't know why I know, but I know someone I know knows her. I know she's gonna be there. Oh, because I used to be friends with Paul Allen, the billionaire who founded Microsoft. May he rest in peace with Bill Gates liked Paul Allen, really smart guy. How I know him this is the ultimate fucking rant for the Holidays. How I know him is when I worked for Jerry Bruckheimer, the producer that his wife, Linda Bruckheimer, she was like another She was like an hbiic like me, like organizing everything from antiques to rubber bands. And I was her assistant. And Jerry Bruckheimer's her husband, and he produced Top Gun and Dais of Thunder and freaking a million movies you've heard of, like the Rock on Alcatraz, Connyer. He's a member of the Not Fucking Around crew. So I was working for them, and for the summer in Malibu, they needed someone to get their house that now would be worth fifty seventy five million. Then it was worth probably five to six million to get their house ready because they were renting it out too, either to Meg Tilly after Steve Tish or too Steve Tish after Meg Tilly. Meg Tilly's an actress. Steve Tish is a producer produced Forrest Gump, another fucking rich, rich, rich motherfucker. They owned the Giants, his brothers, John Tish. I could go on for days, so many fucking stories within this story, but enjoy and try to get a pen and paper and follow along. So I worked for the Bruckheimers and I had to get their spare house in Malibu. Yep, their spare house ready for these people. So the girl who was the main number one assistant, Carol, tasked me to come. And we were living on Carbon Canyon where Sebesta stallone was where all the rich people were. That's a plus fucking major major bag alert, like Larry Ellison. Uh, you know, multi billionaire has a house there. You cannot if you don't have a if you don't have a spare plane, you don't have a place on Carbon Canyon. So we were the babysitters of the house. So I would drive there my forged probe and David Geffen was our neighbor and he liked me, and he asked me to come to his house as dinner party to be Paul Allen to date because someone intelligent he thought I was intelligent could sit next to Paul Allen because there were a bunch of dum dums and a bunch of Hollywood types. So David Geffen was having Paul Allen, the founder of Microsoft over. I don't know who the fuck he was, so that's how I met him. So I knew Paul Allen. And I've always been the same way I am now, So even when I was broke, I always knew people because I was just always exactly the same. So I knew Paul Allen and Paul Allen while I was on the Apprentice towards the end, made the mistake of telling Martha that he knew me. Big mistake, huge, Julia Roberts, because that made me look like I was in a different level, Like I was sort of at Martha Stuart's level, and I needed Martha to think I was not at her level because we wanted her to hire me, Like I'm not interested in hiring people to work, you know, for me now that they're gonna be like, oh hey, yeah, I know Madonna too. It's just not what goes down. That was the first mistake, and I made another mistake with Martha. I had seen Bill Clinton at lunch at Barney's. That sounds really fucking relatable. Just coincidentally, I ran in to Bill Clinton and he was with his daughter Chelsea eating at Barney's, and I was eating because I was The live finale was at night, and I was with my friends who came in and flew in for the finale, and I was eating with them, and this is my hand to God, this is a true fucking story. It ended up in the post. Bill Clinton was there. We walk out at the same time. I walk up and I say like, oh, hi, tonight, I'm you know tonight, I'm I'm doing a live finale with Martha Stewart, like a big name drop. I needed something my hands to got. He had spinach in his tooth, and I told him, and he was with very light security and he took the spinach drop his tooth. It's the only interaction I've ever had with him. I interviewed his wife Hillary on this podcast, and you could if you ever ran into Bill Clinton, it probably would embarrass him. But it's so many years later. But he and Chelsea were having lunch. She was obviously much younger, she was a kid, And yes, he had spinach on his teeth, and he would remember that because he seems really fucking smart. I would not think that's what you would bring up to him, but that's what did happen. So lo and behold, that was the day my dumb fucking ass goes back to the finale that night and mentions to Martha that I ran into Bill Clinton, so I can be making this all up. I'll never bring it up again. But it's not that relatable for Martha Stewart to know that one of her contestants knows Bill Clinton and Paul Allen. And incidentally, in walking through the suite one day when I wasn't there for some reason, she commented on this Louis Vutant outfit that I had, that a man that I had dated had bought for me. So I don't think that I was that relatable and seem like I needed the job even though I was broken. I fucking needed the job. I digress. I don't get the job. I'm Elisee Slaine's beard, and I'm going to Saint Bart's and with her friend Matt, nice guy, and they have me staying in like not a real hotel room at the fancy rich Hotel La twenty in Saint Bart's, but like some sort of like person who owns or manages the hotels, like like staff cottage, but it was lovely. It was a cottage, but it's like a hotel it's very romantic. Way up in the mountains. You're kind of alone, and she's on a romantic vacation. I'm just the beard. So I don't really have transportation. I'm fucking around. I don't have anything going on, but I have one thing going on. Paul Allen has a boat, a yacht. His three boats. One is called the octopusy This one is three hundred feet at the time, and we're in St. Barts and I'm invited to his New Year's Eve party. Okay, we're getting to how it's gonna cost me thirty five hundred dollars this story. So he has a New Year's Eve party. I know because he told me. I believe that Martha was gonna be on that New Year's Eve party. Now I didn't win. So it's like Martha's the guy that just broke up with me that I want to run into and I'm gonna fucking look so hot and one thing I have, and Martha's beautiful and looks hot. Now like I was in my how old was I was young? I was you could wear things I wouldn't wear. Now I'm a mom, like you know, I wear fucking crossbody bags and shirp of fucking clogs, Like it's not the same. So Martha and Martha's a lot older. Martha then was my age. Martha was at Shirpa Clog wearing age, you know, cross body age. So Martha's gonna be on this boat. And I'm like, I'm gonna fucking wear the most fuck you outfit anyone who's ever seen in their life. I have a picture. We're gonna have to show it one day. I don't know how we show a picture on a podcast, but we'll have to figure that out. I have to teleport it to you, okay, because I will post you Guys will ask me the comments of like this was the fuck you dress? The number? I have two fuck you dresses. I've worn them both to the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, the only place you can wear the biggest fuck you dress besides Vegas or on TikTok, but not me. So I'm like, I'm gonna bring the most fuck you dress. How did I afford adult Jakeabana fuck you dress? How waiting online for adult Jake Abana samples, getting it ninety percent off and clubbing someone over the head for it? So I wear my fucking doltcea Gabana laces all the way down both sides, and I don't mean like laces, like tight shoelaces, like there's a wide gap. It's a black satin dolt Jake Abana corset dress that hugs you and it's on your body, and it's got two giant gaps on both sides going all the way down with only laces like tying it all the way down. It is the ultimate countiest fuck you dress in history. Number one. I have another one. This one's more of the laces, the fucking allure of it, the mystery. I wear this onto that fucking boat that you have to take a boat to get to the boat. And I get on that boat and I don't know what I'm gonna say. It's the guy. It's the guy that broke up with you. What the fuck are you gonna say? You're gonna probably you have the biggest thing. You're gonna say. Someone's gonna be flirting with you. You don't know what you're gonna say, Just like when Charlotte on Sex and the City didn't know what she'd say if she saw a big and she's like, you'll rue the day he'll rue it who knows so, but she ended up running into him. What's her name was having a bait when oh, when she was going into labor, so she couldn't say anything great. So I get on the boat and it's the first person I see, likely because Martha and myself were people who would show up early, like we're showing up. We don't want to get our seat and we just like to know where we are. I get on the boat and I walk over and Martha is talking to John bon Jovi and to God, may I be burned at the stake right now and struck by lightning. This is not exactly what fucking happened. She's talking to John bon Jovi. I walk up to her and I say hi Martha, and she says to John bon Jovi, Oh, hi Bethany. She said, this is Bethany. She was just on my show, The Apprentice, but she's mad at me because she didn't win. This is days after the finale. What other contestant gets to run into the person who was like at the helm of this thing because there's someone's beard for a future housewife in St. Barts and is on their own alone oftion. So I and I have no like I'm nobody. I'm nothing, I've no money. I have this fucking dress. I clubb someone over the head for that's all that I have in this world. That's all that I'm clinging to, and it is clinging to me. And she says, she says that line about that. I'm you know, I didn't win, so I'm mad at her. And I say this line to Martha Stewart, Martha, I'm not mad at you. You're like an ex boyfriend that I hate but I'm still in love with. That was the microphone dropping, and that was it. That was all I had to do on the boat. I was on the boat. I met some people. I was insecure. I was alone. I was a loser. It wasn't as cool to be alone. I didn't have TikTok or my social media followers to talk to and pretend I was busy, just alone on a boat with billionaires on an island with no money to spend on it. That was it. Got off the boat, lived my life happily. Ever after ran into Martha. Maybe a couple of other times. This is gonna be a new series called Martha Stories. The next one would be me and Martha at Nobu and Malibu. There's another one of me and Martha at Bette Midler's Halloween party. And I have another one on the street with Jason and now I will tell you the final Martha's story. And I have another one when she came out of my talk show, which I give her. And I have another one when we were going to do a TV show together because Andy Cohen told Martha Stewart that the only way he wanted to do anything with her and produce something with her is if it was a show of the two of us together. So we went on that journey, and then most recently and then on my talk show, and then most recently at the jingle Ball, I walked up to Martha and I didn't have any kind of big plan, and I didn't feel scorned, and I didn't have anything to prove, and I feel like I am a whole, put together, well made Ikia cabinet. And I walked up to Martha and I sat down and I said, You're amazing. What you've been doing is unbelievable. I'm so impressed, I said, I kissed the proverbial ring. I said, I'm sorry for anything that has ever happened, full tail right between legs, don't even know what I'm sorry for, doesn't fucking matter. Meaning like we're both grown ass women who have nothing to prove in this life, and it was it just hit different, It just hit different. We were like mano amano, two women with one daughter, two women who have undeniably been successful in this crazy journey, on this crazy path, two women who have been appreciated for their humor. Me more expected her at the Friars Club roast like she she has really leaned into not taking yourself seriously. She works with snoop, She's fully self deprecating, and she's earned it. Like she has earned it. She is relevant at her age. She looks amazing. She's out at the jingle Ball, like, you know, like, give the fucking shut the ride man. She deserves it. She won the prize. She she gave it to me, to Andy Cohen, and I'm giving it back to her to you. She deserves it, whatever it is, give her the fucking prize. So I went over to her at the jingle Ball, I I you know, turned to her and I gave her the prize and I kissed the ring indeference in adoration. But there was something different because I when I was younger and on roller skates and at Nobu and on that boat, there was something shakier about me, not confident. I hadn't earned it yet. I just hadn't gone through the ranks of it. I hadn't, you know, fought the fought, walk, the walk, talk the talk, proven myself really at a level where not only everybody else would think that I had earned my seat the table, but where I would really know that I've earned my seat at the table, like you know that I can get the same people on speed dial that she can. And it felt different walking over there. But she treated me differently, she received me differently. It wasn't even that she received me, She just met me in the middle. We were both two women, and there was just a vibe from the second I sat down, because trust me, if I got a cold vibe or any vibe, I wouldn't have done what I did. But there was just something about Mary and something about Martha and me walking up to her, it just it just was we were like equals, and it landed and I gave her what she deserved and is earned. And that was my story with Martha