Just B Rant: Bethenny vs Stains

Published Dec 26, 2024, 8:00 AM

A hilarious deep dive into stain disasters, dog chaos, and couch-saving secrets. Practical tips with a side of laughs.

I want to talk to you guys about stains because I think they're super important. And I've decided that dealing with a stain is often approached in the same way as a teenager, or when you were younger, or when you were in your thirties, even like twenties, thirties, even forty. I think I stopped at my thirties picking your face. Let me explain. Okay, any of you who never had a pimple, get the fuck out of here and were not interested. But if you have had a stain on your couch or rug, stay so everybody could stay.

Everybody could stay because if you've.

Had a stay in on your rug or a couch or something end, or had a pimple, this is going to work. Okay, So I never had bad skin, but if I had a pimple, I used to need to get it out. I used to need to get it out. My skin was always dry. I think that when people are in our twenties, our twenties. I'm in twenties now I'm seventy. I'm not seventy. When people are in their twenties, they pick their face, but more importantly, they dry their face out.

They use that sea breeze. My daughter does it.

The pimple patches, like all the kids want to clear it as much as they can, get it out and overdo it. Put like, they just want it gone immediately. And that's what happens with pimples. And the problem is your skin gets trapped. Your skin is an organ. It needs to breathe. So if you trap your skin by completely drying up the pores, where's everything going to go. It's gonna stay stuck underneath. So it's very counterintuitive and hard for people to believe because in the moment when you have a pimple, you want it the fuck gone. You want a pimple patch, You want to lance it, you want something. You want to use your fingers in between two tishes, get it out. You want to go to a dermatologist, have them zap it, get a facial, have them dig it out. It's just get it out. You just want it flat. Okay, That's what it's like with a stain. You see the stain. You have a new carpet, you have a new couch, you have a top, you have something. You want it the fuck out. Club soda no club soda and baking soda no club soda, bacon soda, vinegar, club soda, hansa. You just want it out, shout oxy all the shit. Okay, it's like the oxy. I think oxy clean is like as dangerous as oxy oxy oxy cotone.

Okay.

So basically what happens is you get obsessed. You want it gone, you want it out, you want to know it's not going to be a problem. So how does this manifest itself in a stain? What happens is I see the stain, the dogs have peed. Now I'm worried about the smell and the look and the ruination of the garment. I've taken myself down to the sticks where I only have outdoor rugs as indoor, and I also have backup rugs. If there's another indoor rug that for some reason is still here, it's still alive because I'm going to ride it until they murder it and then toss it.

But I have backup rugs.

So I'm trying to get through all my rugs now because I'm living in my outdoor rug life. Okay, it's another conversation for another time. But outdoor rugs can look like indoor rugs, and I am done with my luxury rug lifestyle.

I don't like the.

Idea of a ruggable. Why because it's still pick up the furniture. Sure, take it off the bottom thing, go wash it. Now you have a pad underneath. I just don't know if that's for me. I haven't done it. But then it's still moving furniture. The outdoor rug means it didn't count right. Ironically, I don't think my fucking dogs have ever gone in the outdoor rug. Only furry curtainy corners. I have no curtains anymore. They touch the ground, furry corners. Sometimes it can be a bed skirt, like something in the corner, like the comforter. Just there can be nothing in the corner of anything outside outdoor furniture. There's a wild wild outside, it's grass, there's stone everything.

Where do we want to go?

Let's pee on the furniture covers on the corner of the outdoor furniture. Fuck off, don't judge me. I've had I've spent tens of thousands of dollars on trainers. I just keep they're unfucking trainable dogs. They just have to have gates and be like they get used to a certain house and they're finding it, but there'll always be some version of a surprise piece sometimes. So when there's a stain, it goes through a process, get the chamois, try to blot it out with water, and soap doesn't come out.

What can we add.

Let's sa add baking so, let's add vinegar, Let's look it up online. Let's add lavender oil. So the next time they won't to do it. Let's do fucking nature's miracle. There's nothing that's a miracle about Nature's miracle. It has no miracle in it. Whatsoever. Shout does not shout it out, oxy it the whole thing. Then you get a fucking stain. Then you wait two days. Now you have a dryer next to it. You want to know that it's gone. Now it's gone. The middle stain is gone. There's a bigger stain. It's called the big ring. There's a big ring around the state. Okay, every time the carpet guys say, don't, I'll fucking come there, I'll clean it for you. They come, They steam it, they get what they can. Some rugs they can't clean off of, some substances they can't clean.

Fucking nightmare. And then they tell you what's wrong with all the.

All the surfaces, you've bought, all the wrong rugs you've bought the fuck they fucking judge you. It's more expensive to have them come over than to buy a new rug. But what does that mean? To lift my furniture now, and I have to pay them. I'll pay them two hundred fifty dollars to come over to clean it, two hundred and twenty dollars rug. Why I don't want to pull up the furniture, I just want it fucking gone. Then I justify it by saying, the guys are coming, Let them do the dining chairs, let them do the couch, let them do some old peace stain from some other place that never fully I got out. The pea will still smell, the dogs will come back to that spot. None of these things work. Enter the steamer. I buy the steamer online. Bissel has a good one. One side is for the spraying, one side is for the sucking. Okay, we should use this for oral sex at this point. So one side is for the spraying, one side is for the sucking. I like it for the sucking because technically you could spray with anything. You don't need their device to spray. So frankly, you're using it for the sucking. Okay again back to oral sex. So you're using it so you want the one with the best sucker. New mistake I did years ago.

I went online.

I thought it was a hot step where I spent five hundred dollars on an industrial steamer, like, I thought, fuck those guys. Whatever they use, I could buy it. It was too strong, it was a nightmare, was a too heavy, and I just couldn't get it out. I hope it made its way to some office building.

Okay, so I go down to Florida.

Biggie does not. I guess Latin food doesn't agree with him. A Cuban coffee. I don't fucking know what happened, But Biggie my dog. Biggie and Smiles are my dogs. They're one dog. They are rescues. They were going to be euthanized in their mom's belly. Beth Stern, Howard Stern's wife, got them for me. They are adorable. They are one dog. At this point, they have one Instagram account. They are fairly useless. Their one use is love and adorableness and that they're like a buddy comedy together. They're like Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger. They're two idiots. They're like George Clooney and Steve Buscemi. They're like one is really good looking and chill, the other one is a fucking neurotic, nightmare criminal, and they're just wonderful together. One sits at the bar coming up with all the schemes and people he's gonna fucking finagle, and the other one's like a dope, just holding a beer, ready to get in the getaway car and forget the keys. They're just two dopes that I live for. They have no fucking skills. Love and want and wanting inclusivity, that's it, okay. In fact, they detract because because Biggie throws up once a week. If to pick him up, he gives you a little notice. You gotta pick him up, bring him over to a hard surface. It's it's a whole story. I've had him throw up. I've had him throw up in like containers, like candles, just like anything but the rugs. Because of this situation, anything but the linens. Okay, Christmas will be canceled. So these are my dogs, So Biggie, I guess Miami doesn't agree with him. He went for a couple of walks. He has diarrhea, explosive diarrhea all over Miami. It's never Smalls, that's never his problem. His tongue goes down to the floor in the airplane. He's having a fucking panic attack. Needs to be an anti anxiety medication. He is a special needs dog, but they have different issues. Smalls is a nervous wreck, scared of everything, not just light, not just thunder people, water, carpets, sounds, anything, terrified. His tongue, it's like he's shaking. You think he's gonna explode. It's like, not that great. He's to be an anti anxiety medication, just like myself. He's like insane. And Biggie's a lump. He's like a roast brisket they just take out of the oven and sits there resting like a lump. And Biggi's the good looking one. And I'm sorry, Smalls, we're not even sure he's a dog. His eyes are different sizes as the teeth or snag. It's just like you look at him, it's like he's got like the brown around his eyes. It's just like he gives a lot of joy because you just look at him and you're like, what the fuck are you?

Okay, what are you?

So Biggie has explosive diarrhea, so he gets wiped and he comes inside.

I guess there was remnants.

So now one day old, brand new apartment in Miami. One day old, white couch. I like white couches. Fuck off, I don't care. It's a white couch. It's a cream couch. It's an off white couch. It's in a crew couch. It's an oatmeal couch.

Leave me alone. It's my couch.

So and we're in Miami and it's cheesy and you know it goes with cocaine.

So this is the white couch.

So Biggie, I guess, has remnants of diarrhea everywhere. I'm not even freaking out anymore because stands are kind of part of my life. Like I don't even care like I used to get upset and freak out. It's like, I'm gonna deal with it. Whoever's in the way, I'm gonna deal with it. I'm not just letting fucking diarrhea sit on my couch.

So, yes, do you try the water? Do you try this?

You start dumping shit on it. Order an instacart gets shout. We start spraying it furiously, feverishly, no reading directions with shout, just fucking get it out.

It gets out with a big.

Brown, discolored ring around it twenty four hours later. So I feel better, marginally better, because that's out.

Now.

I got to pay somebody to get it out. But lo and behold this guy geez Gee's carpet cleaning. I'm seeing him, Mammy DMS. I don't know what he's talking about. I don't know where he is, I don't know what anything is. I'm blacked out. He's gotten one hundred and fifty messages from people just because I'm talking about my couch. The guy has fifty thousand followers. He's freaking out. The next thing I know, I wake up. I come out of my apartment. There are two men, ones on their knees, one is bent over. I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do with these two guys. Two men who have flown in, one from North Carolina, one from New York to Miami on an airplane. One owns the equipment company, one owns the stained solution company. What did we learn? Number one things like oxy clean, Shout, stay and removal, things that are concentrated for in a pinch there for the moment that you get something on your top, but then you're sending it to the dry cleaner or you're putting it in the wash because it's concentrated. So it's a quick emergency. It's like Narcan to fucking get you out of you know, like you've passed out, but it's not to be used regularly, or like my EpiPen, so it's to shock the stain, but then you rinse it out. So the problem with that kind of sharp thing on your couch is that it's too concentrated, and you also should Couches should have instructions saying what to do, just like a garment. Please do not dry clean, do not use this, Yes, use this, only use that. What he said is it's dish soap that's clear and warm water, so it becomes a soapy water.

That's it.

If you had to use shout or something else, it must be very diluted, nothing blue, nothing red whatever.

Here was the biggest thing. Feathering.

Once you do it, you have to feather out. What we do is you spray right there in a circle you dab. He also made it like we rub left, and like we rub or we dab or we scrape. It's like feathering. You You could start to dab, but like with a shammy, that's not gonna stay in your couch. You go out in a feathering motion, so you're blanketing the whole surface. Otherwise you're gonna have that ring. So frankly in a garment or a couch or a rug, go all the way to the edge. You almost could blanket the whole surface. No baking soda, no vinegar, no salt, no fucking gimmicks, and none of that concentrated shit, because he says you have to dilute that shit. I never even thought of that. Like, but just use warm, you know, the soapy water, and you might not get it all. Get a professional to get it all. I think that those steamers are good. I thought the Bistol steamer was good. It sucks it up, but you do, you boo. But like know the garment, Like, take a fucking minute, look underneath, look at the I didn't do any of this.

Don't worry. I'm not an expert. I'm an idiot.

I've picked my face and I've had scars and waited for it to then peel off, and the niasporn and all this shit and like not worth it. It's not worth it to pick your face or pick your couch neither. So find out from underneath the couch what the goddamn couch is and what you can and can't do. But most of the things that we're doing, and no one ever taught me that. No one taught me that. I learned how to ride a bike, but not how to get rid of a stain.

How much do I?

I don't ride bikes that often. We sell Guardian bikes on here as an advertiser. It's the easiest way to learn how to ride a bike. How often do I ride a bike as a fucking cute thing with a basket and some daisies? Every five years, I get a stain every five days. No one ever taught me proper stain approach. So that's it. Geez came got the shit out. Also because of the oxidization of the shit show that I did with the shout, he stuck it on my balcony, put it in the back in the sunlight the sun.

Nothing is on the couch.

Also, target makes like furry blankets that look like real and good, and the thirty dollars buy some blankets. What do you think company, I don't even like people. I'm having like white ones over my couch, looking decorative. But that's where the dogs are gonna gravitate to lay. They'll be no more like remnant diarrhea staining on my fucking white couch, not on my watch. So the couch is clean, and blankets will be down, and outdoor rugs are on the floor, and soap and water and the right chammy and feathering out and jeez, and he's got a great G's cleaning solution. Go on my Instagram to find out where to buy it, and we all live happily ever after.

Do not pick your face

Rants with Bethenny Frankel

Bethenny Frankel tells it like it is. RANT Definition: speak or shout at length in a wild, impassio 
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