Chapter 65: The Final Chapter

Published Oct 17, 2024, 4:00 AM

Rachel Goes Rogue is literally going rogue, but not before dropping a huge revelation about a new relationship that’s found its way into her life.

Join Rachel as she goes full circle and gives a final farewell to the podcast with the show’s first guest, Psychologist Dr. Hillary Goldsher and reflects on her journey with Juliette.

This is Rachel Go's Rogue. Welcome to this special edition of Rachel Goes Rogue with your host Rachel Savannah Levis today and joined by brilliant doctor Hilary Goldscher, who is going to help me close out this final episode. Doctor Goldscher is an expert in trauma recovery and emotional healing. Together, we're going to be reflecting on my own personal growth journey through this podcast and a path to finding peace, especially as I close out this chapter and move on to more balanced and healthier life. I've made the decision to take both feet out of the vander Pump Rules universe and focus on myself, focus on my life, my healing. Doctor Goldsher was actually the first guest I had on Rachel gos Rogue, and we dove into the psychology behind why I was laughing through certain moments while talking about my past, and since then, I've had so many incredible guests join me. Throughout this podcasting experience. I've been able to take away some amazing insight and tools to help not only myself navigate the challenges in my life, but to also share those things with you guys and hopefully help you guys in your own life. I have decided to walk away from continuing the podcast because I would like to move on from, you know, having one foot in the door of vander Pump Rules and one foot out and choosing a life that is fully aligned in my values and who I want to show up as every single day. So I'll be focusing on myself, my healing, and a new relationship that I'm in which we'll get into when I talk to doctor Goldscher today. It is a very full circle moment because doctor Goldshare is back and she will help us explore how doing the inner work can transform not only ourselves but also our relationships and how we can continue to thrive after periods of deep personal change. Whether you followed my story or are navigating your own healing, this episode is all about embracing growth, letting go of the past, and stepping into something new. Thank you again for joining me today. You were my first guest on Rachel Goes Rogue, and so it's just very poetic and fitting that you are also my last guest, and I do love hearing your insight and your knowledge into personal development and what it really means to grow as a person. So Welcome back to my podcast, Doctor Bolscher. Obviously, I've spent the last year really dedicating myself to my healing and my recovery, sharing my story, and it does feel like I've come a long way. What are some of the signs that someone has truly progressed in their emotional healing journey.

Oh, that's such a good question.

There are many, But the first thing that comes to mind, I think is such a critical and sort of nuanced measure. But the sign of healing is not an absence of tricky feelings. It's not an absence of anger, confusion, insecurity, fear, anxiety. We're human, We're going to have the feelings. A sign of progress and healing is an ability to stand outside of those feelings and narrate them, either for yourself or the people around you. So example would be your feeling anxious about how a romantic partner is showing up in your dynamic, and instead of communicating it with fear and anxiety and anger from that triggered place, you have an ability. You've mobilized an approach that allows you to step outside the feeling, approach the person and say I'm having these feelings, I feel vulnerable. I feel afraid something's going on. Can we create sort of a safe space to talk about it? And so it's befriending your feelings, becoming more intimate with them, and figuring out a way to communicate them that's honest and vulnerable but is digestible.

Interesting. Yes, So as you're saying that, I'm thinking back to one of the main lessons that I learned at the Meadows, which was feel all of your emotions. And there's no such thing as a bad emotion or a negative emotion. There are just uncomfortable emotions or more challenging emotions that could come up for some people like me as anger. And so when you say you can come from a place that's a little bit more removed and noticing those feelings come up, and you can express and communicate with the people around you in a way that is not irrational and more like level headed. Would that step take place after you felt your emotions completely, because it seems like those are two separate things.

Yeah, I think it's it's really difficult to experience tricky, trigger complex emotions and to immediately stand outside of them. Right, Maybe sometimes we can curate like sort of that extra resilience and be able to in real time say, WHOA, I feel myself getting really angry. I feel myself getting really frustrated. I feel like heat in my body. My heart's beating fast. I want to take a deep breath and see if I can say this to you in a way that is palatable.

Right, maybe, but.

More often than not, it takes a process because feelings become overwhelming and our sources of trigger. So the question you're sort of concretely asking in such a good one is yes, if we sense and our self becoming triggered and overwhelmed and overcome by emotion, being able to identify I'm in a triggered state, like, nothing wrong with these emotions. It's okay to be angry, It's okay to be insecured, it's okay to be vulnerable. It might not be fun, but there's certainly human emotions that we all have and don't want to suppress or shame ourselves for. But sort of curating this ability to identify, Okay, these feelings are coming up. I may not show up in a way that I feel good about in this moment. As a result, I'm triggered and I'm going to make a decision to like walk away. You know, so that might mean communicating to your partner, to your friend, your coworker, to a person with whom you're in relation to, some version of like, ooh, I feel myself getting frustrated, like I need to kind of collect my thoughts and come back so we can have a you know, connected discourse sort of thing. Yes, yes, and that might mean lots of different things for different people, but figuring out what helps you to kind of contain your feelings allow you to look at them, talk about them, process them in a safe manner with a therapist, through journaling, through meditation, through a walk and self reflection. Right, it could look different for different people. But then coming back once you are able again, we all know when we're standing in our emotions and standing outside our emotions. We might not know it at the moment, but if we get mindful about it, we can identify, like I'm in them, I'm not able to stand outside of them and describe them and narrate them. So when you're outside of those feelings, being able to come back and say like like I feel ready, now are you? And can we sort of talk about this complex thing that just occurred between us.

Yes, okay, yeah, it's so true. And I feel like another important part about that, specifically like sharing those emotions and a very rational way that is healthy, is being surrounded by healthy people and choosing your group based off of like, is this person a safe person for me to share my experience? Are they going to be receiving this in a way that is, you know, loving and accepting and not trying to change me or getting angry at me for having some trigger come up. I feel like that's been something that I've had to learn the hard way, and it was kind of scary, just like closing that world that of friendship that I knew and starting over and forming new friendships and really putting myself out there and you know, making new friends and developing those connections over the past year. One thing that I've discovered with that is it's like night and day when you have friends that want to hear how you're feeling and want to get to know you for you and are loving and accepting and aren't going to react in a way that is going to minimize you as a person. And through this time that I've had over the past year and a half of being away from the show. I now look at the show, and it's very disturbing to me that that was my normal, those types of friendships and the that people, you know, we would interact with each other, because that's not actually obviously it's not healthy, but it was my normal to me. And it's just kind of crazy and eye opening that you don't have to live that type of life. And I think a lot of people may get hung up in that abuse cycle, if you will, because they may not have the self esteem, or they may not even be aware because it's just so comfortable to them.

Yes, I mean you said a lot of important things, lots to unpack. We must always be on the lookout for toxic dynamics in our relationships. And if you get quiet and pay attention, you begin to realize that the only solution to heal a toxic relationship is to leave. You can't get strong enough to endure a toxic relationship. You can't theoripize yourself enough to sort of endure it or show up in a better or different way. The only strategy is to leave it. If we're being mistreated or toxically criticized, or there isn't room for complex feelings. It's not a safe place to be vulnerable and evolve and grow. And I think that's a common area of paralysis for people, is the sense or the feeling or the edict that like, if only, if only, if only I could show up better, if only I could stay more contained, if only I could be less triggered, if only I could be less emotional. But if we're in the face of toxic mistreatment, there's.

Really no such thing.

We always get thwarted in our path of healing around toxic dynamics.

For what you said at the beginning of what you.

Just shared, and it's true that particularly people that have a history of trauma, and there are all sorts of trauma, intense traumas of abuse in childhood and throughout life, and feelings of being ignored or dismissed, or having an edict to suppress feelings. There's all sorts of ways people endure a sense that they can't fully show up as themselves. And you're right, oftentimes when there's toxic dynamics and people are being mistreated, there's this sense, this sort of primitive desire to get approved and seen and validated from the very person who can't give it to them in a misguided attempt to heal past trauma. So if only I can get this person to love me, this person to see me, this person to validate me, And it feels so primitive and so hard to break away from. But it's just what we call in my world sort of a repetition compulsion, which is exactly what it sounds like, a poll to repeat toxic dynamic in an effort to get a different outcome. If we were abused as a child, ignored as a child, went through another toxic abusive relationship, we're wanting a different outcome in the face of those same circumstances.

But we have to make no mistake.

The different outcome is us realizing that it's not safe, us being able to mobilize resources and curate just enough strength to go and then find resources to support you in that time of intense vulnerability.

It's not easy to walk away.

It's not just like a cliche we can throw around that like, hey, if someone's missting you, you've got to be strong and take care of yourself. The act of doing that can be quite complex for people. So when people are listening to this knowing that the realization of that is one part, but then curating the strength and then the resources to support you as you do so and in the aftermath is another. It's a process that requires a lot of mindfulness of resources.

Yes, definitely, definitely, And I feel like I was very blessed that I was able to get the resources. Spending ninety days at a recovery center is not something that the average person gets the opportunity to do, especially with like work and just the responsibilities of being an adult. It's just not that realistic. But I was blessed enough to be able to like have that as an option, and I had the awareness enough that I needed to like really figure this out for myself because it got so bad. Basically, I got down to this place of like complete and utter chaos in my life and a realization that I really couldn't choose the best for myself. And I realized also that the people that I was trusting were not trustworthy people. Also, I was in denial with a lot of those things too. So it's just a lot of overwhelming emotions where you know, I started shutting down. Meanwhile, the press and stuff was talking about me every day. It was just too overwhelming, and I was like, the only solution that really makes sense to me right now is to like take some time away. And I've said it before on this podcast, and I'll just say it again because it's the final episode. I knew I needed to stay longer to work out the specifics of like this thing that the Meadows structured as love addiction. And I say love addiction and air quotes because it's basically another way of describing your attachment style. So there's secure attachment style, there's avoidant, and there is the anxious attachment style, and this is how you interact with the people in your life. But specifically we mostly talk about like significant others and that relationship. They also used love addiction to demonstrate like the abuse cycle of what it means to be in an abusive relationship and how one person can act more of a like attached, anxious person and then the other one would be more repelled to that and become more avoidant and it would become this cycle. And so when I talk about love addiction on the podcast, like sometimes I feel like the word addiction has a negative connotation, but it's something that is basically saying it's a disease that is subconscious. I mean, could you describe what addiction is for me because we've talked about it a lot before on this podcast, but to just get very clear on what that really means.

Yeah, I think in this context, because we're specifically talking about the arena of as you put in air quotes right like love, addiction, sex, addiction, how one shows up in relationship dynamics, that addiction in this arena, I think is best described as a dynamic that begins to interrupt how you function in your daily life in the key arenas that you're invested in and care about. So if it's interrupting your ability to show up in personal, professional, logistical, spiritual, mental, emotional arenas, if it's interrupting your ability to function in a way that feels comfortable or with ease, then we're probably looking at something that's outside of the normal range. And if that's a pattern that continues and is consistent and is chronic and continues to interrupt the flow of your life and your ability to function in a way that feels healthy and good, we may be looking at an arena where the dynamic is getting to a level of addiction where it's getting to play out in a way that's consistently negatively impacting your life and how you feel inside your skin.

Yeah. So I did do a post recently, and basically my caption for the post was the opposite of addiction is connection, And I feel like that is something that gets misunderstood unless you've kind of been exposed to someone who has struggled with an addiction or have been in the world of recovery, I guess, because most people would think the opposite of addiction would be abstinence, but it's actually connection with other people and healthy connection. You know. I just want to hone in on the fact that the people that you surround yourself with not to place blame on anyone else, because now that I'm aware of how I am as a person and how I do end up becoming more alike the people that I surround myself with, now I know better to choose the people that I really do admire for the values that I want to be more alike to surround myself with. And before I was acting out of a place of you know, like I wasn't self aware enough to know that, you know, there were other reasons why I was choosing to put myself in those positions. But I guess I just ask people to give a little bit of grace, To give as much grace as you would give to your best friend who's going through something, and also realizing that you can course correct at any point. Once you become aware, you can kind of pivot and choose something new for yourself.

Yes, you've said so many things that are so important.

I want to unpack all of it, but I'll start where you ended, which is yes, I mean to expand that graceful, generous notion that we can all course correct, evolve, gain insight, repair fractures at any time in our life if we have humility and an ability to communicate and take accountability. It is the most important, one of the most important gifts we can give to each other, because we all show up in ways that we don't feel good about in micro and macro moments, and hopefully we all give each other the grace to shift and change. And particularly when people are doing a deep dive into their own work and showing up with renewed perspectives and renewed resolutions around how they want to take care of themselves and others around them, it's critical to embrace that with people that we love and people.

In our community and in our world. Right.

I mean that's I love that phrasing the renewed, the renewed part of that, because it's reevaluating. Okay, this is how I have been showing up, and this is how I want to choose to show up. And you're renewing the values that you are placing as how you want to live your life every single day. And from that standpoint, it's like, Wow, that person that has that awareness and is willing to renew this life and live and show up in a different way. I feel like that is so empowering and so respectable.

I often talk about I do a lot of couple's work, and I often talk about in couple's therapy that the requirement of the significant other is not to never show up in a way that doesn't feel good, but to have the capacity and the bandwidth to explore what isn't working and to shift and change and be open to evolve. And I think that perspective is really helpful both for one's partner and oneself, that the requirement isn't to get it right every time, and sometimes we don't get it right on a small level, and sometimes we don't get it right on a large level. But to have the capacity to say I don't like how I showed up, and I want to understand why I showed up that way and shift it and change it is a grace that we have to give ourselves and each other. More So, I think it's a really important thing to land on in this conversation. And I wanted to go back to what you said about connection and addiction. I just it feels too important to leave. Which is that in the arena, Because there's folks who deal with all different kinds of addiction in various arenas and sort of levels. And you know, abstinence for certain kind of addictions is the edict and the road to healing for an alcoholic or a gambler or a drug addict, right, I mean, abstinence is a component of ultimate healing. But in the arena that you were talking about, for example, like in eating disorders, which can be a version of an addiction, or a love addiction, or a sex addition, which can be a version of an addiction, abstinence doesn't really make sense. We have to eat, and in theory, we would like to have love in our life, so absence doesn't make sense in that arena. So it's a little bit of a different analysis. So I wanted to make that distinction. But yes, I mean, when you're talking about love addiction, so to speak. In my view, just kind of from a clinical standpoint, I like the idea you're offering that the opposite of that is really to me first, connection to oneself. What do I need to move through the world in a way that makes me feel safe, makes me feel open, It makes me feel like I can evaluate how I'm showing up and shift and change as needed. Right, How can I make myself available to myself and to those around me and to my community, and to have an ability.

To self advocate?

These are my needs, These are my thoughts, these are my feelings, And to seek folks, whether it's friends or significant others, that have an ability to do the same, to draw their own boundaries, to self advocate, but to engage in like vulnerable complex discourse about like this didn't work for me, This didn't feel good to me.

How are you feeling? How are you feeling like.

To get in sort of the messy bits of what it's like to be in relation to each other. So to me, the sort of opposite of addiction is some cultivation of those skills you know to both take care of oneself so you're short up enough to show up in relationship to another self advocate and be available to broker things that feel good for both sides, negotiate ways of showing up that feel safe, and stay in it when it gets hard.

Can we talk about bringing baggage into a new relationship for a second, because I think as we get older, we've had more life to live and more experiences, and maybe there's a better term for it. But how do we ensure we don't bring past baggage into something new or is that just something that we have to accept.

I like a reframe of that concept, But of course I know what you're getting it at. We all have stuff that we bring into a relationship, whether those are tendencies towards certain triggers, relationship histories that are liked or embarrassing or less than ideal, broken relationships, broken marriages, kids, right, So all of those things I suppose could fall under the umbrella of baggage. But I like a reframe, which is that no matter how old you are, you know whether you're like eighteen and young in terms of years or you're you know, in your seventies. You bring hurts and wounds and tendencies towards triggers as I mentioned, and also insights and ideas about hopefully about what you want and what feels safe, and so trying to reframe it in one's own mind, I think is useful. So instead of coming to a relationship with like, oh gosh, how shameful, how embarrassing. I don't want this person to see the painful, complex, shameful things that I've been through, but instead being able to talk about it first within yourself and then within the context of a safe relationship of like, this is what I've been through, this is what I've learned, These are my triggers that I am responsible for watching out for, and this is where I'm really strong and I really show up in a way that I'm proud of and being able to narrate those things without fear and without apology. That doesn't mean it doesn't have gravity sometimes or a somberness to it that like, hey, this is something I've struggled with, or this is a truth about my past, or this is something that I'm bringing into this relationship, but again instead of coming with a sense of less than being able to just talk about it as an integrated part of who we are.

We all have shadow sides, we all have dark sides.

We all have things that we bring to relationships, and we want to be with someone who's able to say, like, I can hear that, I can tolerate it, I can feel empathy for that. I too have my own stuff that, when comfortable and safe, I can share. We want to be able to and curate that mutual discourse.

If that's ver.

You're interested in, which in my view, is part of a healthy relationship. And if we have someone that has an immediate negative reaction and is unable to make space for your story, that's a potential concern to explore further.

Definitely, I was talking to one of my girlfriends. We were just touching base and catching up on life. She's telling me about her relationship that she's in, and she said that she has been feeling these triggers come up for her and she's had to really like take a look at them and get to the root of them because she knows it's not just her significant other, it's not his fault that these things are coming up within her, and I commend her for like having that awareness and being willing to look at it. And I asked her if she had a therapist that she works on this stuff with, and she said no, but she journals every day and she feels like she can handle it on her own, and she feels like she has been healing in that way. And she's like, I really am grateful for this relationship because I'm able to look at these things that come up for me. Do you think the purpose of relationships, or maybe it's just one of the purposes of a relationship is for that person to be a mirror for you to look at your own stuff and the things that come up within you.

Well, I think that's definitely a worthy paradigm because it's by definition true, and you can either kind of deny it or suppress it, or be angry or triggered by it, which by the way, we all are at moments, but or try to figure out a way to embrace and exactly as your friend is doing, to be curious about it, like an investigative reporter, like like what are why that's coming up for me? Like what what does that mean to me? What does that remind me of? Is there something in the past that feels the same? You know, what is the need that's coming up underneath that? You know what would I could put words to it that were unfiltered, what would they be? Right? Getting really curious about why a certain dynamic or certain words or certain behaviors impact you, instead of feeling guilty or bad, or instead of allowing it to motivate kind of a response that repels your partner. All hard to do, but that's kind of our aspirational goals, right, is to get curious about it. And I think most people report that whether it's a relationship they're still in a relationship of their past, that when time has passed, that the relationship, even if it was difficult or toxic and did, taught them something about themselves and taught themselves, taught them something about what they want in a future relationship. And though that's hard to remember when you're feeling all the things and you feel triggered or scared or anxious or insecure or whatever the right words are, that seems to be a pretty universal truth. So it's a good thing to keep in mind intellectually, that like this is somehow happening for my higher good, Like there's something in here for me, and I may not know what it is now, and I may not know what it is like next week or next month, but in a year or two or whatever the timeframe is, I'll come to understand something about myself that I wouldn't have otherwise. So I think it's a really important perspective and, like I said, a hard one to hang on to when you're in the middle of it, but a good grounding principle when you feel like you're floating a little bit without a life raft.

Yeah, it's so true. So my podcast Rachel goes Through At first it was kind of like me defending myself, and then it it turned into something more of me giving my I guess the things that I've learned through my recovery experience and sharing that with other people so that they can take the things that serve them and hopefully choose something healthier and better in their lives. When I started getting feedback that it was helpful for people like that was so rewarding for me, and so it kind of turned into like a podcast about relationships. And I didn't plan out for it to be that way, but it kind of just turned into that, and I have been considering sharing this for a little while, but I've also have a new value of keeping things sacred to me and not sharing my whole life publicly the way that I have for the past ten years. I have considered keeping this private and sacred to me, but I actually, do you think that it's fitting to share with the listeners of Rachel Goes Rogue since this has kind of turned into a podcast about healthy relationships and healthy friendships. I am in a new relationship and it's very healthy, and he's very normal. And every time I describe him to my friends and I say that he's normal, and I show them a photo of him and they're like, wow, he does like normal. It's such like an accomplishment. It feels like because given my dating history, like normal was not necessarily something that I was looking for in somebody else. He's just such a supportive person and I just feel really happy. So I did want to share that with you guys, And I do feel like it serves the purpose in being an example that when you do course correct and choose a different lifestyle for yourself and prioritize different things in your life and really take those moments and days and weeks and months and maybe even a year and focusing on your self development and personal growth and kind of put all that energy back into yourself. Then you really will begin to heal and you'll begin to attract a different caliber of person because you are healing yourself from within, and that's going to be reflected back to you and the type of people that you attract into your life. And so I guess that would be my advice, and the reason why I'm choosing to share it with you guys now with the permission of my significant other, is because I don't know. I think that it is a success story and there is hope for the people that are listening who are struggling with relationships and really can't quite see the light at the end of the tunnel. Yet I hope to be that light for you.

It's so nice to hear you provide that update, and I think making all the connections that your attempting to communicate is really important. That look, it's not a linear journey, and everyone's journey looks completely different, So don't compare yourself to other journeys, But take hold of the components that Rachel is outlining, which is that if you stop and get quiet and try to figure out what is motivating feelings that are uncomfortable, what is motivating behavior that is not desirable, What is contributing to your life and or your relationships not feeling okay or not feeling safe, This work leads to important insights and usually important expansions, which leads to showing up differently, which leads to your energy shifting. Doesn't mean you're a different person, doesn't mean you're not at the core you, but it does mean that you're showing up in a way that is rooted in more self love, in more self awareness. And it is accurate to hypothesize that as a result, the people who are attracted to that kind of energy will tend to match that kind of energy through their own ways of moving through the world, through their own work. And I think that's what you're talking about that feels so critical and hopefully super relatable to people. So when you're stuck and in like the bits where it feels like, oh gosh, how do I get out? And nothing feels right and nothing feels good, that the journey to healing typically begins by like slowing down and getting fly it and Rachel, you alluded to the fact that you had the you know, the opportunity to go to a wonderful program and surround yourself with guides and supporters and clinicians that helped you on your journey, which is amazing. But there are many other ways to do that, Like you alluded to your friend who's figuring out a way to do it through journaling and self reflection. There's meditation, there's books, there's your friend group, there's low fie therapy that you can google in your community. In most communities, there's online therapy services like Betterhelp, et cetera that provide low fee counseling as well, So there are ways to sort of get started to begin the kind of reflection that you're talking about, which often is a tipping point to life feeling differently.

Yeah, I think that's a really great place to kind of wrap this ups stowed up. I do feel like I'm walking away from this podcast with a lot more clarity and peace and doctor culture. I guess my last question for you would be how can people ensure that they can achieve milestones and they're healing journey as they continue to nurture their well being and emotional growth.

Yeah, that's a big one. Stay with it, and that might sound sort of obvious or cliche, but it's messy and sometimes slow and emotional and confusing and anxiety provoking and depressing and frustrating. Doing deep work to explore why your life or relationships aren't working as hard and so you kind of got to stay with it because particularly the beginning can feel really muddy and really hard to push through. Curate resources. I mentioned a bunch just now, but whatever that means in your world, whether it's friendships or family members or meditation or your journal, therapy, etc. Find ways, people, individuals, materials, resources that support you because a journey alone is a lot more painful and difficult in isolating than one in community whatever that community means. And vulnerability, you know, continuing to take the risk of being honest with yourself, which can lead to pain and sort of intense feelings of confusion. But it's really the only path towards the light and opening and expansion is to get vulnerable and sort of real with yourself. We all have stuff, and so when we start to excavate and look at parts of ourselves that we don't feel good about our product. That's just being human, that's not being bad or broken.

We all have it. So just knowing you're part.

Of a larger mission that every human who's open and willing will have a version of the same journey or not alone.

Yeah, it's so true. And I think also just circling back to the reframing of the baggage too, we all experience life in a unique way. No two people have had the same life experience, and as we go through these experiences, they do form us and shape us into the people that you see. If you do reframe baggage as just like life experience, then I really don't think that it's a negative thing at all. I think, yeah, there may be some triggers that come up based off of experiences that may not have been the most positive or rewarding, But if you can work through those and find people in your life that are willing to work through those experiences and those triggers with you, then that's all you could ever ask for. And you know, there really isn't anything shameful about it.

I think that's it. That's exactly right.

And it's the complex but like beautiful realization that I think is a ubiquitous part of healing that like these tricky parts of us are not shameful, They're superhuman and shared with every person sitting around you and that you see. And so if you can come to that like deep understanding inside of yourself, you can then offer it to those around you, and it changes how you move through hard times, and that changes how you experience life.

And so it's a it's a.

Really critical component to continue to like consider and integrate.

Thank you so much, doctor Golcher for coming on the final episode of Rachel Goes Rogue.

Well, thank you for having me at you know, different seasons of your journey.

I really appreciate it.

Wow, that was a great episode and definitely a full circle moment. How do you How do you feel?

Yes, I would love to take a moment to reflect on how far I've come since starting this podcast with you guys, iHeart and Juliette. This has really been like a full circle moment and just like knowing truly what i want, what I'm advocating for as my own person, and I'm so grateful for everyone who has been part of this journey with me, and to those of you who have supported me by listening to my story, I thank you so much. It's means so much to me to be heard, and even to those who have challenged me, thank you.

So. I mean, this is a big, wide question, but tell me something that you're most proud of, because I remember when you started this you were very excited to do it, then you were hesitant to do it. It was a very emotional rollercoaster at the beginning. It almost didn't happen if you recall. But now I feel personally you've achieved so much. But what are you most proud of?

I'm most proud of, Gosh, just showing up and sharing my story and being vulnerable with people who have taken what I've shared and it's impacted their life in a positive way, Like even if it is just one person, just hearing that from someone has been so rewarding to me. I think I'm most part of the growth and the resilience I do know, like how strong I am now. And I am also really proud of choosing now to end the podcast and to move on as well. I think that's a huge decision. It really is like a huge full circle moment for me, and I don't know if it makes sense, but I think for the friends and family closest to me, they know me best, and as I end this podcast, it really does symbolize something monumental in my life and that is probably like the most rewarding part of it all.

Yeah, for sure.

And what about this is a tough one because I'm sure there's a lot, But what is something that you think you learn most about yourself through this experience.

I'm I'm a very resilient person. I've learned that I do have the ability to host my own podcast. I never thought that would be a possibility before. Tuning out the noise and getting quiet and listening to myself from within is a skill that is difficult to do in today's day and age, with social media and everything. But this process has shown me that I am capable of doing that as well, and staying true to myself and being willing to choose something that is unknown and take a risk and hope for the best and work hard and hopefully it pays off in the end. And I feel like the decision to do that with this podcast has definitely paid off in more ways than one with my personal development journey. It was the perfect thing for me at that time.

I think those are really great. I remember you saying from the very beginning that just public speaking was something you struggled with your whole life, and you did. You even started the reality show or you know, being on it for one of those reasons.

And now you.

Hosted a podcast for a year on yourself, by yourself, with yourself, So I agree that's something should be very proud of. And then you were at the absolute lowest point. You took more abuse publicly than most talent out there, right, and you really shared it. You shared vulnerability. You show people how to get through it, and you beat it and overcame it. So I think those are some other things that to learn something about yourself you really can and hopefully you don't have to, but you really can and have overcome some very mean and criticizing scenarios, and you know, you did it with a smile and you did it with some tears, and you shared those in those vulnerability with people, and I think that you should be very proud of that. And I'm sure you learned a lot, like you said about resilience for that things. So what is something you would say now to your harshest critic.

Okay, so I think my harshest critics probably come from a place of concern and love at the end of the day, or that's how I choose to look at it. I think the people that give me a hard time for doing this podcast, they may be concerned that I haven't really grown the way that they would hope that I would have by now. I'm not sure. I'm not sure it will drive you crazy trying to wrap your head around it, but I would say to my harshest critic, thank you anyway for engaging and being a part of this journey too, because it can't just all be rainbows and sunshine. There are going to be people out there that are willing to give you a reality check and it encourages you to really like focus in and reflect on yourself and see, like, is what they're saying true or are they just missing something that maybe this could be an opportunity for me to elaborate on so that they could get more clarity on the situation. Because I think that's one of the difficult things about living in the digital age. You know you're not going to get the full picture, and we can only do so much to convey what the reality of the situation is. And then obviously there's going to be people that disagree with whatever you do, no matter what you do. So reminding myself to be true to who I am, and you know, like, I'm not setting out to try to pease anyone or get anyone to like me. Those days are over. I'm just trying to like show up as myself and if you vibe with them, awesome. If you don't, then fine, let it be known, and then it's very clear who is right for me in my life moving forward.

That was very well said. So this is a weird question. Have you forgiven yourself?

I remember Bethany Frankel asking me this question when I went on her podcast before I started Rachel gos Rogue, and the answer was yes, I do forgive myself and I stand by that today a year A year later.

Okay, So to me, just right off the bat, I see a healthier, happier for your young woman. You're more self aware, you're more accepting, you're more confident. And I don't want to sound condescending. I just you should be really proud. You should be proud of what you went through came out the other side, and I think that that is definitely a role model to other young women and other people that are going to be going through whether they're in entertainment or not, and they encounter some thing where I mean, look, yours happened to be because of television. I think for you to be able to come on the other side as whole and healthy as you are, I do think you should be proud, and I think people should look up to you for that and and being vulnerable on this podcast sharing your toughest moments with people. I'd have less choice words for your biggest critics, so I would. I would most people would, but that's just not me.

I know.

I know my mom would have some other things to say to my worst critics as well. Well.

I think that you have some very exciting stages of your life to look up into now, and you know, your friends, your family, your new bo I mean, I really am so excited for you, and I know that everybody wishes you well and this is going to be exciting to see what happens next.

For Rachel Loves, It's been an absolute pleasure and something that I would not have imagined in my wildest dreams that I would be hosting a podcast, and sometimes realizing that and then realizing all of the hardships that have led myself to feel like this was the only way forward. Doing this podcast or the best solution to the problems that I was facing makes me grateful for all of the hardships, even though, like some of the things, it's not humane and it's not right, and that's why it's so important for me to speak out about it because there should be change. But I am grateful for everything that's happened in my life so far because it has pushed me to become the person that would be willing to host my own podcast. Not only that, but like do it for an extended amount of time and to see the bigger picture with it and to connect with people in the way that they need. And so in that way, it's been the most rewarding thing that I have accomplished so far in my career. Thank you so much for listening to Rachel Goes Rogue. Follow us on Instagram and TikTok for exclusive video content at Rachel Goes Rogue Podcast.