Rachel's "Going" Rogue

Published Dec 18, 2023, 8:07 PM

In her own words... Rachel shares her side.

The story continues January 8, 2024.

This is Rachel Go's rogue. The day has finally come where I get the chance to tell my own story in my words, the good, the bad, the ugly, all of it. I was involved with a horrible scandal, coined scandal. I know what I did was morally wrong, and I get it. I get the anger. It feels really good to be back in La since everything blew up. This is the place that I grew up, so it feels like home. It's warm, I'm seeing some of my friends that I haven't seen in a very long time. I spent ninety days in a trauma therapy center without a phone, with all new people and working with different therapists. I started noticing a pattern in my behavior and I wanted to change those things. I have completely removed myself from the filming environment that is vander Pump Rules, and you will not see me season eleven. I already made a mistake by returning to season ten. Looking back at that season, I was at my lowest of lows filming vander Pump Rules after breaking off an engagement with James. That was my first mistake because I should have taken the time to heal and find a therapist and I did the right thing by having a no contact policy with James. But when we're working together and filming together and he's flaunting his new girlfriend that he met three weeks after I ended the engagement, that hurt, and there were so many qui questions running through my mind, like did he ever really love me? How is it possible to love someone and then get over them so quickly? I was drinking a ton Season ten, And this is not an excuse. I'm just point blank like I was not in a good mental space, and in knowing that I'm learning from my mistakes. Looking back and seeing how much pain I was in interacting with James on camera and seeing his new girlfriend, I could only imagine the pain I would cause by filming in the same environment with Arianna, Because being involved with somebody's boyfriend while they're still in a relationship is a huge betrayal and so painful as it is. But then to continue working with these people and interacting with them, maybe not even speaking, but like hearing about what they're doing, and seeing your person that you loved so much and thought that they loved you just as much as you loved them, be conversing with this other person. It would just be so catastrophic, and I didn't want to do that to Arianna. I didn't want to put her in that position with the cast I don't have many boundaries, but physical violence is crossing a boundary for me, and if you assault me, I will cut you out of my life. I haven't heard from any of them, and I don't really necessarily want to hear from any of them, except for Tom did send me a happy Birthday message on my Instagram via comment, and he couldn't have reached out to me via text because I blocked him the day that I got my phone back after treatment. But he could have DMed me instead of making a public comment. And I've been thinking about that a lot, and I think for him because I'm just trying to put myself in his shoes, like was he doing this to be like spiteful or was he doing this to be like I want the best for you, because it's it seems like it could go either way. It was a hard process for me to completely cut him out of my life because the story I would tell myself about our relationship that we had, it seems so special and it seems so real. But when you look at the cold, hard facts and write them down on a piece of paper and see all of those red flags clear as day that will break you out of your denial. And once I was broken out of denial and realized how manipulative he is, I couldn't put myself in a situation where at my most vulnerable state, it would just probably get me back into those old patterns that I'm trying to break free from. Taking a step back and removing myself from the chaos has allowed me to gain some clarity, actually a lot of clarity on the situation. I look back at season ten, Oh god, it is a really difficult season to watch back because I'm just cringing all of the things and all of the moments that they caught on camera. It's really embarrassing. But I see a girl that is going through pain and doesn't have the right tools to tackle it, and she's coping in the way that she feels like her knees are being met by someone who's giving her adoration and attention. And I really did not prioritize my friendships when I got involved with Tom, and I regret that a lot. Listen to Rachel Goes Road starting January eighth, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.