Rachel and author Stephanie Quayle bond over shared experiences. Stephanie's book has an all too familiar message that resonates with Rachel. "Why Do We Stay? How My Toxic Relationship Can Help You Find Freedom"
This is Rachel Go's Rogue. Welcome back to another episode of Rachel Goes Rogue. This is your host, Rachel Savannah Lovis, and today we have Stephanie Quail. She's a country star whose accomplishments span from performing at the Opry to performing for US presidents. Her latest accomplishment writing her newest book, Why Do We Stay, her true story of surviving a toxic relationship and breaking down why we stay with them. In her book, Stephanie uses her voice and past experiences to break down how to spot toxic relationships, how to navigate them, and how to heal in the aftermath. Stephanie's book serves not only as a resource, but as a reminder that you are not alone. Please welcome Stephanie Quayle. Hi, Stephanie, how are you.
I'm great, It's so great to meet you.
I'm so happy to have you on Rachel gos Rogue. I feel like we have a lot in common. After reading your book, I'm like I literally was on the edge of my seat and I could relate to so many things that you were talking about. And one of the things that I just appreciated so much with how your book was written was the therapist psychologist inserts that you had on there to define certain terms and to explain certain things, and then also give pointers on like advice and questions to ask yourself. Oh, it was so good and it was such an easy read. So I just wanted to congratulate you.
Thank you for taking the time to read it, because it is a it packs a punch, and I appreciate that. You know, I didn't have this book in my early twenties. So that's the hope, right that a lot of young women will get their hands on it and get the information because we don't know a lot of times what we're walking into until we're in it and then once we're out of it, or like, oh, yeah, I wish I would have known that.
Yeah, yep. So obviously you have an impressive music career. Did you ever see yourself writing a book?
You know? After the plane crash, I there was just so much information that was new to me, and my trust was shot, right, Like I trusted maybe like my parents and a very few people that I remember talking to my stepmom and we were just like, one day, you'll have to write a book because this is just stranger than fiction. There's no way you could have seen this coming, right, And so I thought one day, Rachel I would write a book, but I didn't know it would come in this form or at this time. And really the album on the Edge was the catalyst for Okay, this story can help people. I think a lot of times, you know, especially when you're in this crazy business that we're in, it's like, how much do you tell? Is it actually doing anything? Or is it just going to cause more adventures and maybe unnecessary and unwanted adventures. So, you know, with the album, it really showed me, Okay, there is a need to have these conversations. There's so much shame with making the wrong decisions or staying in the wrong relationships or whatever that is that I think it's really been the beginning of opening up those conversations, at least what I've experienced. And then the book is you know, it's so much more than a memoir. And I appreciate you saying that because it gives the information we don't have the terms. We don't sometimes know what we're feeling and going through. At least I have no idea that everything that was happening to me I had really nothing to do with yeah, you know, and I think a lot of times. You know, look, love is potent, and you know, I just wanted him to be all the things that I thought he could be, and you know, and that happened with toxic number two as well. And you know, potentializing people is something that I that I fell prey to, and you know, being able to see people for actually who they are and believing them when they show us who they are. And hopefully this will be a guide for many, you know, because it's different with a song. I have three minutes and you can interpret. It's all there on the page. There's not really a lot of gray.
So your lover boyfriend, Paulo, he was very charismatic, charming, and you fell in love pretty quickly, and he ended up being a narcissist and he was cheating on you, and one day you got the news that he was in a project plane crash and had passed away.
So crazy, I was, you know, building this life with him, living with him, raising his daughter with him. And we were at home. I was making dinner. I had a show that night, so it was just like any other night. She was working on her homework and I got the call that there had been an accident, so I put her in the car. We drove faster than I've ever driven down the pch very great, grateful that I didn't get pulled, and we got to the Santa Monica Airport and at that time we didn't know that he had he was dead. We just knew that there had been an accident, and so we ran out to the runway and they wouldn't let us go any further getting closer to the plane crash and he was piloting the plane. That was a Wednesday, Rachel and on Sunday at the memorial is when I learned I wasn't the only woman. And then that was confirmed when one of my friends came to my house and said, you've got to move on, and I'm like, wait a second, I'm still dealing with dental records, Like.
It's too much to process.
How can you move on?
Like wow?
And I know our friends say things, you know, in the heat of the moment, they're just angry, so it's like, no, just get over.
It was she suspecting that this relationship was toxic to be with.
I think that she so wanted it to work, and she so wanted because we were this little family, right, and everyone, I mean I think everyone. I can't I can't speak for everyone. It came across like how could I be with a bad guy? So I think I was validating for a lot of people when it came to him, And because I'm raising his kid and we are living this life together, so we thought right, And so I think she was really legitimately angry. I think there were, of course moments. You know, you look back and you're like when you cock your head and like you're like that doesn't add up, Or you ask certain questions and they're met with your insecure you're crazy, you don't know what you're talking about?
Gaslighting? Oh cool?
Where do they go to school for this? You know what I mean? Like, where did they get the handbook on how to be a narcissist? Because once you start reading the terms too, you're like, it's so obvious, But when you're in it, it's so not obvious.
Yeah, And then when you're out of it and you look back on it, you're like, how did I miss this? It was so clear? But I think you're just so wrapped up in I think for you too, with the daughter, his daughter, that you were taken care of, and you felt like you had this role and I could just tell you're a very empathetic person and feel valued adding value to somebody else's life. And I think all of those things are so layered, and then you create the story that you want to believe is true. But this person has a secret life.
Like he mustn't be so tired.
How did he have so many women? Because the thing is all of these women ended up showing up to his funeral, right, you were like, who are all of these people? Yes?
And there were all these moments where I was where I just I mean, Eden and I had planned on speaking at the memorial, right, like this is how our family. We were going to share our family moments and thank everyone for being there, and we both were just in a sea of strangers. And I couldn't put my finger on it. She couldn't put her finger on it, and so we just kind of said, I don't I don't think that this is the time. Let's wait to the private funeral, the family funeral, and if we want to share stuff, we can. And I had a few moments where I was like, what would those women just say? As I'm walking by mourning the death of the love of my life, you know. And I had a you know, a friend who watched a woman throw her glass of wine at the you know, the projection screen that was showing like our family videos and family photos, and she ran out of there. No one caught her. Who was that lady, I mean, Rachel, I don't even know to the level of how many, I don't even know. I don't even know.
Were there signs of infidelity along the way? Looking back? Did you miss those things or did you ignore them?
Gosh, that's a really great question, I think now, because I know so much, I don't even when I would cock my head or be like, why are you talking to that woman? I think I never could conceive the idea that he would go all the way. I sound like a teenager all the way, meaning like actually have a relationship with someone else, or be intimate with someone else. I think that, like, because he was so charismatic, and you know, men just wanted to hang out with him. They were just so drawn to him. Women just kind of you know, they were too, but they obviously got a little closer. And I don't think I ever thought he was cheating on me. I think I was like, why are you acting like this? And it got met with why are you so crazy? Why are you so insecure? Now looking back at the you know, late nights at work or what was when it was a Christmas it was our last Christmas together actually where he said he had to work and he was actually with one of the other women, and I just could never have I don't know. I guess I don't think I did, because I was so sure that I was his person. I'm raising his kid with him. I even said to him at one point, I'm like, hey, if I'm not your person, just let me go, just let me go. And I think that's like intoxicating to a narcissist. I think that like moth to a flame when you try to leave. So no, I don't think I could fathom it now, it's hard to not see it all.
Something in your book, too, that I could also relate with, is after this relationship ended and you were grieving and looking back and like realizing all of these things about this person that you thought you knew so well, you ended up getting into another relationship before healing, and it seemed like the patterns kept repeating until you learned the lesson.
Yes. Yeah, the message in what you just said is so potent and so powerful. Do the work and the healing before you go into another relationship. I didn't, you know. And I was so vulnerable and so fragile that I was. I was an easy target. But I thought I was good, you know, I think you know. I'm like, no, I'm fine, I'm just going to push through. I'm going to get over it. I'm going to move on. And he got me. I remember when he said to me toxic number two, which is the Prince in the book. He said, I'm going to show you that you can trust men again.
I had.
I mean trust, I think is if you don't have trust, you don't have anything right. And I was so I think, looking for someone to fix what was very broken. All the while it was me who was going to fix me. But it just it just met me in the moment I was in. It was the one phrase that again like if you were to call like one eight hundred how to be a narcissist, like it would have been to use this phrase, and he nailed it. And yeah, I mean I was guarded with him, but I was with him right, And that one led me downe a very dangerous path because I hadn't done the work, I hadn't done the healing. So then it was just really compounded when I learned that he had also been cheating on me.
And this is like when you're about like twenty eight, twenty eight years old.
Twenty so he died when I was twenty nine, so twenty nine thirty. Yeah, okay. It started my adventures in toxicity early twenties, which I think were just so susceptible too.
Yeah, what was your first toxic relationship? Looking back now, was there something that you can pinpoint as like your very first toxic dynamic in a relationship?
Gosh, I'm trying to think, like my little boyfriends before Paulo were just like children. I mean I lovingly say that. I mean they were just boys. They weren't ready for relationships, right, so they weren't toxic. They just weren't. I mean, get off the couch, buddy, you gotta get a job, like I can't work this many jobs and you're just chilling on the couch, like how are we here? So I don't know if that when I look at that, I don't look at it as like toxic. I just look at it as very unequally yoked.
Yeah, so you were like kind of inexperienced before meeting Paulo.
He was older and he just was captivating and I was all in. And you know, as you read in the book, when we first met, I was in a relationship with this young guy and we were just living our lives. So when I met Paula, it was just this is a guy with a kid, and we became friends. And that's what is also referenced in the book as a way of grooming, where you familiarize someone and make it feel like family. You know, he referred to me as his little sister when he would introduce me to people, and then that's weird. That's a sneaky, sneaky trick, yeah, because it makes you feel.
Safe and it also gives him availability to other women around.
Him totally, and to be honest, which I don't know for a fact, I'm sure I was the other woman to some other woman, right, So who knows who was there when I thought I was starting this relationship with him, Right, there's someone out there that might look at me like I was the other woman, And I get it. It's a crazy thing when that happens.
When did your grief turned to anger? Because for me, I did a fantasy buster list where I wrote down, like all of the red flags, all of the situations that I was put in, the undeniable things that he said to me, like that I remember clear as day. And then once I had a full list, it was like, Okay, now I'm just angry. Yeah, did you reach that point in your stages of grief?
You know, because you know, the crash was Wednesday, and I went into mode.
Right.
I had to call his mom, I had to call his his daughter's mother, and just start doing while grieving, right, So I think I grieved ish between Wednesday and Sunday, which was five days when I learned that I had been lied to for the entire time, I was beyond angry. So I went into anger. And I could do anger really well. I was, you know, really good at that I could.
Handle this anger. Look like for you just.
Like like, what was a bunch of bullshit? You know, it's pretty mild, But internally I was, you know, burning up inside, burning and I just looked at everyone like a liar, which is very unhealthy. And then I didn't get to grief counseling until gosh was it like two and a half years later, And then you know, when I found out the toxic number two, the prince was cheating on me. I didn't take it out on him. I took it out on me. And I remember calling my stepmom on my drive home just saying, I just want the pain to stop. I just it's not that I wanted to take my life. I just wanted the pain to stop. And then that led to drinking myself to a place that was very dangerous. And that was that was a very hard next day to look myself in the mirror and be like, no, no, no, no, this is not the option. Is not the option to do the work. It's going to be hard, but your life is worth living. And that's that was what That was one of the hardest parts of the book to write. The other one was that New Year's Eve writing that broke me down.
My jaw was on the floor.
A tough one.
Uh. My heart goes out to you. Yeah, just chills. I commend you for your vulnerability and I'm sure that was not an easy thing to write about.
No, but just what we will you know, I'm not saying we as we but collectively, like I in that moment was willing to subject myself to so much to please someone else, you know. And I go back to the fact that I was already good enough. I didn't need to be more. And I had such a strange relationship, especially with Paulo, where he anytime I questioned him, it was your insecure, you're crazy and he only called me by my last name, which then makes you wonder did he not want to mess up another woman's name when talking to me, and then just thinking about the second one, like I kept putting it on me versus being like, no, you're the problem. You're the problem, and I'm just gonna check out, like I'm just gonna, you know, let y'all go do this with somebody else.
So the book is called why do We Stay? Why do We Stay?
I think I stayed because I thought that if I just kept getting better that they would become all I thought they could be. I think we stay because we think it will get better, you know. I think I stayed because when it was great, it was great. And that's why I even define the fact that, like I didn't leave my first toxic relationship. The only way I left was he died and I don't know what would have happened.
That's nuts. It's like kind of crazy because there's circumstances outside of your own power that took him away from you. And then all of this was revealed, and so is it's just shocking. But then it's like, is this a blessing and disguise in a way?
Right?
I circled something. So this is after you lost Paulo, and I think it was also after the relationship with Prince had ended as well, and you said I was more than happy to lose myself in my work. So this is you trying to move on. This is you like getting back into your life and trying to rediscover who you are because you've lost your identity and these men, in fact, I felt like the whole world was aligning in my favor. Finally there was my chance, maybe there was a reason I'd have to suffer so much, finally going to be able to make ends meet financially through my music. Things seem to be coming together in the most extraordinary way, as if they had God written all over them. It felt like the perfect storm of giving back, living my purpose and building my business. Don donc yeah, I just Oh, there's so much to just surrendering and knowing that there is a net always that will catch you, and there's so much freedom in that where you're not so caught up on worrying all the time or catastrophizing things.
Surrender is a very powerful word, and we have so little control. We really only have control over ourselves. There's a fine line between letting your work become your In my case, a lot of times it would avoid myself, right, I could easily live in my.
Work like workaholism is a real thing.
Completely, and you don't have to deal with yourself when you're busy, right, you can put on the show my case, you know. And and a lot of people were even with that first, with that album when it came out, they first were just like, wait, what, you've never been this person publicly as Stephanie Quail the artist, singer, songwriter, what's all this? So yeah, it's really it's really something to share it like this, And my hope is again like shame is just a crazy thing. I remember when I went to emotional rehab and I learned that guilt last about three days. This is what one of the psychologists was teaching me, and that guilt is I made a mistake. Shame is I am a mistake And I was living in that shame for so long, and even in the healing process, just kind of like really getting down to the shame of it, and man, I just don't look at any conversation, any situation the same. There's a lot more empathy and a lot more grace because boy, have I been through it?
Yes, you have. Who has been your support because you talk about having your family and your close friends. Who was that support system for you?
Well, I've been with my husband now we're going on ten years, almost married for nine, and I think he always knew that I had more healing to do. He's just very, very patient and not one of those kinds of people that tells you it's like, you'll figure it out. So he's just been an incredible pillar of strength. He also is hilarious when he gets a little like protective. As you read in the book my mom and my stepmom especially writing the book was such a I had to keep checking myself, you know, because I think I had been thirteen years at the time of starting to write the book and just checking like, did this really happen, Like, am I remembering this correctly because it needs no exaggeration. And they were really great, just pillars of strength during that. My mom and my stepma were just like going, yes, that really happened, and like going back and going through those moments. And then my friends that I mentioned in the book, Michelle, unfortunately she passed away with cancer. Sorry to hear that, but she and Shelton have been with me this whole time. And you know, you just you just never know why or how people come into your life and just hang out for the stuff that's really really when most people leave. When he died, most people left, and that was more protection for me than I realized at the time. You know, you go through this like what did I do? And you know, abandonment's a whole other that could be a whole other podcast, so be a whole other book that could be all well the book. Yeah, so yeah, it's really interesting. But you know, I don't have I don't have a lot of friends. I have a lot of acquaintances. I wish there was another word for that middle right, Like acquaintance seems so cold. A friend is like if I call you my friend, that means I would go in front of like a train for you. So it's kind of like there's no like middle word. We need like another word for that other. But you don't really need a lot of people. You just need the great right ones that love you and your yuck and can hold you accountable but not judge you.
Those are very very important for this thing we're living, this life.
It's so weird, and you know, when I think about it, like social media didn't exist, so at that time, you know, I think about, like if that were to happen now, like what that would have been like to live through, and woof, I'm glad I didn't have to live it like that publicly. I'm living it now, but I've done the work to where I can talk about it hopefully in a way that your listeners take something from it, of hope, and that gives tools to those that don't have the tools. Because I didn't have the tools. I didn't even any of these terms were Yeah.
This book, I mean, this book really lays it out super simply, and the story is intriguing, captivating, and with the therapy notes, it's like, oh, makes complete sense because we're talking about the specific example and now we have this definition. So if you are somebody who is going through a relationship that you want to get out of, if you're somebody fresh out of a relationship that was toxic unhealthy, or if you are somebody who has been out of a relationship for a while and just want a reminder of the reasons not to get back into a relationship like that, I highly recommend this book.
Thank you so much. I mean, I think we sometimes forget that toxic relationships can go beyond the loves right, it can go to our businesses and go to our friendships, our family relationships. I think that's it just gives everyone like a heads up, Yes, stronger we get, the less we can get messed with.
So you mentioned being in your nearly ten year healthy relationship, it's just a dream. How did you get into something so stable after something so Yeah, Hey, Audi.
I don't really think I had anything to do with me. I think that it was just gosh. I mean to me, it's God. You know, I had done the work right, I had spent a lot of time in like how do I make me better? But it was just like, honestly, when I saw him, I was like, I don't get I don't get this guy. I don't get this guy. I get the guy that like talks maybe like this guy, but then is like ten other guys. You know, it's not like it's not healthy. He just is so stable, so healthy, so kind, you know. I think one of the things I noticed about it now there's no drama. You know. Sometimes I think I was taken by like the charisma and the larger than lifeness that these others had portrayed, and he's just solid. I'm like, wow, do I get the good guy?
Yes?
You do?
Yes, well, because a you're deserving of it and you've done the work. I mean, yes, you do deserve the good guy.
At that time, it just was really daunting, you know, And I think it even took time to believe that this is real and trust it. But you know, like you said, trust is everything. When you have trust, it's very easy.
I was in one relationship that was very a narcissistic, codependent dynamic that ended, and then I got into another relationship shortly after just drinking a lot, making bad decisions. And now I've completely alcohol out of my life. I cut this person out of my life. I'm you know, making sure that I'm surrounding myself with healthier people. And one of the things in the book, it says, like when you are considering dating again, which you know, I gave myself a year and I wasn't interested in anybody or anything, you know, Like I thought, I'm never going to find love again. I was like so off of it. But now I'm finally in the place where I'm like, okay, I like have these feelings of interest, which I didn't think I was going to have for quite some time. But now I'm like, okay, I want to be friends first, and I want to take it slow, and it literally feels like molasses slow, which I think is a good thing because my issue was I was following in love with these men that you know, it's such a whirlwind romance and it was so quick, and I was head over heels in a way, compromising my own self, compromising my own values, and I fell in love before really knowing who this person is, before knowing their values. And I'm like, okay, I can't do that again. I will not do that again or myself.
You know, when I look back on these toxic relationships, I didn't really have a full scope of who they were, there was so much I didn't I didn't look into without being like, you know, a criminal investigator, which you know. Afterward, I'm like, hummm, you know, like putting all the pieces together. But I think the word you said that just like hit me in the face. Compromise yourself. And one of the things I remember my husband saying very early on, he says, I never want us to compromise to be together. I always want it to feel like a win win. I don't ever want you to feel like you're compromising something about you to be with me or vice versa, like I want it to be it's always a win win. And I love that because I do think I very much when you said compromise my values, man, I like resonated so much with that because I would never watch one of my friends do what I did, and yet I totally let myself do that, you know, And I think your approach is really really solid for you. I think that's awesome. I think that's great advice for anyone. Like slows fast, slow as fast, because when you think about it, you won't have to go through that learning later that then hurts you more so.
True now that you've experienced a stable relationship and obviously you're toxic history. What is the difference to you, Like, can you define that toxicity and outline what that looks like in those relationships?
Yeah, I think I would say if it doesn't feel right in my gut, in my intuition, in my heart, in my mind, not where I'm like trying to logically like turn it right, because we are capable of doing that. Oh, like we can make it better and convince ourselves like, oh no, it's not that bad when it's actually bad. I don't question myself ever anymore. I do not question if something doesn't feel right, that is enough for me. I don't try to figure out why something doesn't feel right, whereas before I would go to like the ends of the earth to try to figure it out. Also, like, I hope that you walk away from this conversation going she made me feel better, like it was a lift, right. I want to lift people up, and I want to be around people that lift me up. So one of the things that I it's hard to let go people, but I don't have anyone around me anymore that doesn't lift That doesn't mean they don't challenge me, right, Like they'll they'll hold me accountable. But I don't walk away feeling like my light's being dimmed or being dismissed, you know, having those courageous conversations, because that's not how it's supposed to be. And to have that kind of respect and trust, that's very healthy territory. And so now I don't even I don't even waste my time with the other And I will say this if I sent someone is trying to be manipulative, Like I just had this happen with business, where someone didn't do their homework on what I've done in my work, and I just let him go, let him go down this you know, rabbit hole of teaching me about the music industry. And I just waited. And then he mentioned someone that he knew, and I said, oh, that's great, I'll call it right now. And he didn't have a relationship. It was all it was all horsemen to her.
Oh God.
But you know, it's kind of like I wasn't trying to be like I just you know, I'm just like, I'm gonna let this guy go for a minute. I'm gonna let him go and then I'm gonna see you know, And that's kind of where I'm like, okay, no, no, no, no.
No, Okay. So you're a country musician, and I love how you opened in the book. You were like, you know, heartbreak is meant for country songs. Why choose the book as a medium for this story?
Yeah? So I think with the album that I did, you know, there's only so much you can say in a song, and you can say a lot. I've packed a lot in three minutes and thirty seconds. But I thought that this would be a way to tell the whole story and let it be a help. I think with everything I've ever done with my music is like, Okay, sometimes I write songs as deep as a dog dish, let's be honest, and then some others that are like, you know, really deep music, deep songs and have that purpose. And I love that I've been able to kind of go to all those places. I think there's no room for interpretation with this book, and with music, there's a lot of room for interpretation. And when I'm performing, I usually get like tiny little moments in between the songs where I'm like, but I have so much more I want to tell you, and if I can like speak into your life in a way that helps you, and they're like, shut up and sang. You know, but I have more to say, So it's my more to say.
That must be so empowering for you.
Oh well, just you know, here it comes.
Yeah, yeah, ready or not here it comes.
I think you're ready, I hope.
So what is the main takeaway that you want people to learn from reading your book?
Gosh, you are your greatest advocate, You're your greatest investment, and you have only for the rest of your life every day, so be good to you. That would be it.
Yeah, that's beautiful.
That was so not good to me. Won't ever let that happen again.
What did you learn about yourself? Hmm?
I am really a great friend to others, great stepmom, great wife, all those things, and that I put I usually put myself last, and now it's like, no, I can be better for others if I take care of myself. And that's not selfish, it's just the right thing to do.
Your book can be used as a tool. What is the most important tool that a reader can use?
I think knowing the signs, knowing what to look for, understanding what it means, understanding how you feel. You know, and I think we live in a time where you have more access to help. When I think back to that time, it wasn't that someone gave me like a list, okay, like okay, you need to go to grief counseling because you're greeting, you need to go to like how to survive a narcissists relationship anonymous group Like I didn't have access, you know, and it wasn't like, hey, go do this. You know. One of the things I remember back like when I first started grief counseling, I just said, man, I'm like, let me show others that are going through this grieving process to know that they shouldn't wait because you can't outrun grief. And I really thought I could. And now there's just access to so much that you really can get the information. If it's a virtual therapist, if it's you know, going to emotional rehab like I did, where you're with two psychologists and they just like peel you apart for six days. That was a lot. Oh but great, but a lot. You know, grief counseling, all those things. You are absolutely worth that investment of time, right, I think we can so get occupied. And I'm saying this about myself with work and other things we like, I'll deal with that later, but you are your greatest like you are your little temple, your vessel, like you have to take care of you and everything else can wait.
When I was younger, I wish I knew that my value doesn't come from my contribution to somebody else, or don't fall in love with the potential of who somebody could be. Just realizing now you have to really love the person that's right in front of you in this moment as they.
Are, or get gone right yes, or.
Get gone and find somebody that you do feel that way.
Yea, yeah, My mom said, I think I and this might have been with the guy that I you know, he wasn't toxic, he was just young and didn't like to work. She goes, if you think you're going to change him, you're the only one that's going to change, mama preach. And I'm like, oh, but like if he only you know, oh gosh, I hate that statement, if only he could do blah blah blah. I mean that's like, come on, like, no, if he's not doing it already, he do it. But I remember that, like, if you think someone else is going to change. You're the only one that's going to like in a relationship.
Yeah. I just wanted to ask because you mentioned emotional rehab in the book and you've talked about it on the podcast today. Was that like a scary experience deciding to go in or were you like I've tried everything else and this is like what's next for me?
It was like my hail Mary. I mean, I don't know if I drank an entire handle of vodka, but I'm not a very big person, and it was it was it was you know when I say I'm lucky to have survived, that, I'm lucky to survive that it was my half to and it wasn't because someone else told me I had to. It was like whoa, whoa, whoa, Like we are beyond a place that I know what to do. And again I was just I was the common denominator. You know, That's one thing I really am specific about, Like I was complicit. I chose those relationships, you know, I stayed, and that's that's where a lot of shame came from. I'm smarter than that. How many times have I heard, oh, but you're smarter than that, Like, no one needs to hear they're smarter than that, like everyone is susceptible to things when people are professional manipulators. Once I got in it, Rachel, like, once I was with these you know, incredible psychologists that like break it down, you know, and I think when it's simple, we don't need things to be complicated. It's already complicated, like the messaging and the information to really take it in. I just I walked away going, Okay, I have more understanding. I wasn't fixed right, Like I wasn't like all right, all as well now, but.
I was understand more. You understand your behaviors. You understand and the reasons behind them. When I went to the Meadows, which is an intensive trauma therapy center residential program, so chaotic, and I couldn't. I didn't know what to do. I was so lost. I was like, Okay, I think I'm more codependent than I thought I was. I think I have some serious issues. I know I'm in an unhealthy relationship. Yeah, I can't stop talking to this man. And my whole world flipped upside down and I was like I need help, and I knew I had to go somewhere, and it wasn't somebody telling me you should go to this places like mom, I think I need to go somewhere. And it was scary. It was a very scary decision to make.
That takes a ton of courage. It is so much easier to just go through the motions. And so when you now looking back now I'm flipping.
The interview on you.
Now as you look back though, now you know and so now you can help so many other people make that choice for themselves, to choose themselves. And that's a big thing, you know, And I think that's that's a big part of why we're called to share.
Yeah. Absolutely, that's why I'm doing this podcast, and that's why You've written a book. And I'm so thrilled for you. It's called Why Do We Stay? And Stephanie, I'm just so thankful to have you on here to share your story and to be so vulnerable with the messaging and the execution. And it's such an easy read. You guys like you'll love it if you pick this book up. And where can we find you? Can we find you on Instagram?
Yes, I'm on all the places anywhere social Stephanie quail dot com for tour dates and I will be doing a little book tour, so I hopefully will be popping into La So if you're around.
Awesome, Yeah, I'd love to come by. Thank you hell so much for listening to Rachel Goes Rogue. Follow us on Instagram and TikTok for exclusive video content at Rachel gos Rogue Podcast