Rachel responds, as she continues to be a topic on Vanderpump Rules.
She's also addressing recent rumors and salacious headlines.
This is Rachel Go's Rogue. Welcome back to another episode of Rachel Goes Rogue. I'm your host, Rachel Savannah Levis, and I just wanted to do a little mental check in today. So basically with this podcast, right, I am choosing to share with you guys, authentic emotions that come up, Like where I'm at. This is quite a rollercoaster, and it's not perfect. It's not like I went away to get treatment and all of a sudden, I'm completely cured and I can navigate my life flawlessly. That's just not realistic. That's not being a human. So it's a lot and I'm still in it, and I'm choosing to share it with you guys and check in and be honest with emotions that come up because I feel like that is what makes it real and relatable and that's what life is all about. So I've been seeing a lot of comments saying clearly Rachel is not mentally well and she needs to check herself back into a recovery center because she's like still so wrapped up in this and she needs help, or like all that hard work at the Meadows was for nothing, or it was a waste of time, which completely was not You know, I'm choosing to be authentic with you guys, because there's good days and there's bad days. There's good weeks and there's bad weeks. It's just super important to be intentional with your day, waking up and being like, Okay, this is a good day because I'm going to do X, Y and Z for myself to make sure it's a good day. And I think that mindset change is everything for me. Anyway, So last week was a tougher week because I became so engulfed in the fabricated reality that is reality TV and the narrative that I'm being drawn into. And I think when you reflect on those moments and realize that that's actually not reality. My reality is actually my friends and my family that I talk to every day, it helps ground me and it helps bring me back into real life. And something that I think is so beautiful too, is that before when I was doing Season ten and making bad decisions, I was using TOM as an escape from that traumatic world that I was participating in. Now I'm able to use my friendships and use my family and new relationships that I've been fostering, not to escape from reality. But to come back to reality, and the further away I get from the show, it's easier for me to distinguish what is real and what is not real, and I'm so incredibly grateful for that. So I just wanted to check in with you guys, because I know some people were concerned that, you know, this isn't good for my mental health. Yeah, the show is not good for my mental health, but I think the podcast is. And being able to reflect on all of these stages that I'm currently going through is part of the reason why I wanted to do the podcast in the first place. Watching the show is not enjoyable. I don't like watching it. Yes, I'm watching it so that I can comment on it. I choose to do that because I want to be in the no I don't want to be in denial, so I want to consume what everyone else is consuming. I know it's also temporary. It's not a forever thing. This is a phase in my life that was a part of my life for so long. I feel comfortable commenting on it because I'm still being talked about and there's things that I would like to clarify.
So one of the things that's happening right now is a lot of these podcasters who didn't live this life that was your life on the show, are making their living commenting on the scenario, and they keep saying, you should have just gone back to this show. Could you walk us through if you had gone back to the show in that situation when they wanted you back, what would that have even look like for you?
It would have looked like I would have been in a high stress environment, filming with people that worked to tear me down as opposed to lift me up as a person. I would have been under magnifying glass, with people reporting certain things to the media, the media picking it up, creating stories that weren't actually factual, catapulting even further into the fan fiction that was being created in the world about my life. And also, you know the influence that Tom had on me. I was still protecting Tom at this time. I knew he had a big influence on me as a person and my identity, and as I was trying to break free from that, going back to do the show would force me to film with him, and I didn't want to. I didn't want Tom to be in my life anymore. Even if I did go back and film and was like, oh, you know, I'm ending things with Tom. They would still create situations that would bring me back in and I would feel the need to comment on it like I have been doing on my podcast, And yeah, it could have been really entertaining, but I have chosen to live a more authentic life for me instead of providing entertainment for the public to consume. I'm prioritizing myself over entertainment.
And if you were promised that you would be able to tell your story head you've gone back, like, what would that have looked like? Knowing now what you know, how would that have played out? Do you think they would have shown it aired it?
I think about that a lot, especially as I hear people on the cast talk about, oh, well, you know, reality TV shows every single part of every story and it showcases that. And because I was a major part in this storyline, I would have had the opportunity to share my side, and yes, they would have covered it, but there's no guarantee that they would have aired it. I think a big reason why I knew that that would be a risk that I wasn't willing to take is because of what has happened in the past with a story that was reality that never made it to air. And what I'm talking about specifically is when Tom came to my apartment the additional episode that was on season ten, and I confronted him about filming me without me knowing, and which was a very real situation, and they captured his reaction. It was so hands off at that point. It's like, Okay, you have this footage and you say that you're capturing reality, and it's in this part is like a juicy little piece of the puzzle. And they chose to not air that and protect him, even though it would have been congruent with the storyline of me realizing that I shouldn't protect Tom anymore, hence the last five minutes of season ten. So in that way, I felt betrayed, and it gave me a data point that even if I am sharing the full truth, they have the power to cut and manipulate to support certain cast members in the storyline that they want to support. Also, I suspected that they were going to give Tom a hero edit this season and give him a redemption arc because they have more invested in him than they do with me, And you know, they would have, I honestly believe, Yeah, they would have edited me to seem crazy, probably because I would have lost my shit. Also, like learning in the Meadows that anger is a healthy emotion, I would have allowed myself to be angry and I would have showed that anger. And I think that's a new side of me that I'm still discovering within myself. So it would have been very easy for production to work with that, and that would have been the narrative that they would have run with without a doubt. Yeah, I made the right decision for me. Ultimately, other people don't know me and my circumstance and all of the little details go into my decision making more than I do. That is my own choice that I get to make and I get to live with the consequences.
Another misunderstanding in another podcast, you are doing a timeline and you mention another guy, and everybody jumped all over that, assuming that you were talking about that you were seeing somebody else. They were assuming it was Meema.
Can you clarify that No, that person that I was seeing before Tom was not Nima. We did brunches together, we hung out, we did dinners together. This was not Nima. This person lived in la I don't know what else to say about him besides that he was not Nima.
And this big one dropped. So Tom and his attorneys have responded to your lawsuit with the claims such as you videotaped the incident and sent it to Tom, and you're doing all of this, this lawsuit to get more fame. How do you feel about that?
You know, I feel anger that Tom chooses to lie to attempt to change the narrative. I don't know how many times I can say it that you know, he filmed me this video FaceTime without me knowing, and the video footage is you know, me on the big screen, him on the little screen on the FaceTime call, So that is him recording that video. I did not record that video. I did not send it. It was sent to me, so that can easily be disproven. So I think it's just silly that he chooses not to take account of ability and goes one step further to fabricate a story that can easily be disproven. As far as doing this lawsuit to become famous, as he is putting out there now, I think it's interesting his mindset right because I think he does value fame, and he values doing things to leverage his infamy. For me, I don't prioritize that the lawsuit has gotten a lot of press, and it has gotten you know, I am a polarizing figure and continue to be. So I am doing it to hold people accountable because recording somebody without their consent is not okay, and it has been done to other people before. That is why there are revenge porn laws now, because it has become an issue with our new digital age, and sending a video that is intimate in nature to anybody is also not okay. Fortunately, I am able to have resources to fight for me legally, I would say most people don't have that luxury. Most people don't have that privilege to be able to call out that behavior, say that it's wrong, and advocate for accountability. And also like, there's a lot of shame surrounding that too. So I think there's a piece where I really chose to let go of that shame and take ownership of my actions in a situation that is pretty shameful and really open myself up to the scrutiny that comes with because I am strong enough to handle that, and so I am doing this for a bigger reason. It's not just me. It is for all the people who have had their privacy violated sexually that are either too ashamed to speak out and hold the other people accountable, or don't have the resources or chose not to, but they know what happened, and so I'm doing it for those people. To be clear, I made a bad choice to be in a relationship with Tom, but holding him responsible for the reprehensible act of illegally filming me without my consent, which then became national news and extremely detrimental to my mental well being, is the right choice for me. I chose to go ahead with a lawsuit. It was not an easy decision to make, and I think I've said this before, but I really had to weigh everything and I feel very angry about it, and more so on Tom's part, but the fact that Arianna sent it out, it's like both of those things are equally wrong and it just blew up, and it was because of this video. So it's like, if everyone's out to hold people accountable, I feel like an upholding my truth and myself to hold these people accountable too. Okay, So this week we have episode thirteen of season eleven. It's called Jack's Attack. I think we got to the point of production knows that I'm for sure not coming back because I did the Buthany Frankel interview. Tom knows I'm for sure not in his grasp anymore because I haven't contacted him once and I did the Buthany Frankel interview, And so I think we're finally seeing a change in mindset, a change in intentionality with the cast and production and how this episode has played out, it seems like, Okay, we're we're kind of like closing that chapter and we're moving on, even though you know, it got brought up again at James and Ali's house with Shena and Tom getting into that argument, which I want to go into more detail later, but overall, it seemed like, Okay, we're moving on, and it seemed like a setup episode for the rest of the season to pan out, which there's only a few more episodes left, I believe, with the finale, and so it's nice that it's incongruence to where I'm at because I'm so ready to move on to and I think the viewers too, are ready for fresh storylines and have seen this play out for over a year now, so I think we're really taking a shift.
I do want to know when it comes to this kind of moving on. Tom and Ariana, are you know at the same party. Obviously there was a moment where she was going to go say something to she now and then she noticed Tom, so she kind of held back. But she is sharing the same spaces. It looks like she and Schwartz are in a good place. Do you feel like you're being held to a different standard. Does it feel like people aren't allowing you to move on in the same way the rest of the cast is all kind of moving on together.
No, I don't know. I it's I think it's harder because I'm not there. So the dynamic is different with Tom and the cast versus me and the cast because I'm not present. So therefore there can't really be this quote unquote closure or this like clarification because I'm not in communication with them. Whereas I think Tom chose to go back and quote unquote work on these relationships, and I think as he was communicating to me in the meadows, he was like, I'm doing the work. I'm actively out here. I'm choosing to go back and take accountability and do the work on these relationships. And I think for me, my idea and concept of doing the work is much different than Tom's perception of what doing the work is for him. I believe that doing the work is like him prioritizing the show, knowing that he has a commitment to the show and a commitment to the storyline and a commitment to the cast that he has chosen to be friend. And for me, doing the work is going to therapy every week or at that time in the meadows, going to therapy every day. Doing the work for me is fostering true friendships with authentic intimate connections where we are building each other up and bringing out the best in each other. Doing the work is practicing mindfulness, meditation, working out my body, going for walks, not drinking alcohol, and just like really embodying all of that and learning how to set boundaries and what that looks like for me and getting guidance where I need it to make clear decisions in my life. And so that for me is doing the work. Tom and I aren't in alignment with what our values are. That is why the relationship failed, amongst other things. But you know I have different values with integrity, honesty, respect, authenticity, and kindness and self development and self growth. And through this experience and compromising my values, I have learned that those are the things that I am choosing to uphold every single day here on out. That is why the relationship is not successful. Maybe that can clarify to listeners and viewers of the show that are like, oh, you blew up everyone's lives for nothing, like you could have just given it a shot. Yeah. I kind of kind of did give it a shot. And as I was in my recovery center learning about myself and getting more authentic to who I am, you start really realizing that we're not compatible in that way. Actions speak louder than words. We chose different paths and there's different consequences for those choices.
And so when people kind of like reduce you down to that relationship after all this work that you've done, like, what does that feel like?
It kind of feels like and I know not everyone does this either, Like there's listeners who understand and get it, And I'm like, it's like this podcast is for you, you know, like clearly you've been through some sort of relational imbalance or trauma or abuse that you understand what I'm saying because you've experienced it yourself, and I love that. But when people you know minimize it down to, oh, you're choosing this because you're a selfish person, or you know, you just wanted to thrill and that's all it was to you. It's silly to become frustrated over it because there's all that energy being spewed out. There's really no point in getting so worked up about that because it's it's a waste of energy. I would rather reinvest that energy into myself and continue to focus on the positives and the people whose lives I am able to impact in a positive way.
And so back to the episode when Tom is kind of having this conversation with Sheena about sina Is capitalizing off of his pain and off of something that he went through. Did you feel the same way.
Yeah, it's hurtful. It's hurtful going back to my mindset during that time because I want to be able to like put my I had space in the same moments that Tom is talking about during this the filming of this episode, it was hurtful to see so many people capitalize off of it and like brag about it and continue to say hurtful things to keep you down, and yeah, it's it's hard. But then also you realize that they're you know, they're taking this moment to capitalize on it, which is the name of the game in this industry. I have understanding for it too, but I think there's a way to do it that offers compassion for the other person and isn't totally like all consuming of being like I'm better than you, and you suck and you deserve the place that you're in right now, and I'm gonna make money off of this because is now you're just a laughing stock, and like, let's all make fun of this person together and let's raw everyone up and get that mob mentality, and it just like fuels more hate. This situation was so polarizing, and with the little information that was out there at the time, it's very easy to make judgments and see it as a black and white situation and jump to conclusions. You know, I empathize with how Tom is feeling with you know, Sheena and Lala capitalizing off of this painful experience because there wasn't a lot of empathy there and.
So this whole argument, it's kind of about Sheena's song that she put out. Do you remember where you were when the song came out, did you listen to it? Was your reaction similar to Tom's or did you just kind of stay away from it altogether.
The Buthany Frankel interview came out late August, and then Shena dropped her song Apples in September, and I mean, I didn't have quite a big reaction. I wouldn't say that my reaction was as strong as maybe Tom's was or how he's presenting it to be, because we all know that being on this show can be performative. But I think there was also underlying factors behind that as well. I don't think Tom was only reacting to that song. I think he also had, you know, resentments against me, feelings about the whole situation, feeling like it wasn't fair and fighting that battle that's impossible to win, and not feeling supported in the way that he needed to be supported, which you know, I I can't do that for him. So I think there were multiple things, and Sheena's song was just the breaking point.
In that argument.
Also, Shina brings up the trro again, she brings up all that. And but what I find interesting because she repeats in this and her and Ariana in this episode bring up the shut your mouth, shut up Tom, and it's the exact same the thing they did on the reunion when he brought it up. Tell me what you think that is about, because so that's two times that the both Sheena and Ariana jump up and say that that didn't happen and shut your mouth. All you had to do is keep your mouth shut.
I believe that Sheena is more mad at Tom for quote unquote betraying her by saying at the reunion that Sheena said on the speakerphone I just punched that bitch in her face and through her phone in the street. And I think that's really the reason why Sheena is so so angry at Tom. I think more so than the actual cheating, which kind of makes sense because a lot of people are like, why is Sheena acting like she was the one cheated on by Tom? It's because she feels betrayed that Tom put her, you know, from her viewpoint, put her at risk for some legal action to take place, you know. And then we also see her freaking out with her insecurities about Laala and Brock and their friendship because Lala has gotten really close with Shena and Brock because of their children. I think Brock also is a stand up guy in the way that he has stepped into a father figure role model for Lala's daughter. And so because they're spending so much time together and we see the way that they interact with each other, Shena is blaming her own insecurities on Tom, saying that you are the reason why I now have to think about lah Blah and Brock possibly cheating on me behind my back. And I think that's a little bit of an unfair statement because that's her own insecurity, that's her own wound that she needs to work through. As I was watching that, I was actually really happy that Tom chose to continue to point that out to her and to bring that up on camera because he didn't need to. He had no loyalty to me anymore, but in this instance, he decided to have integrity with what he said at the reunion. Yeah, it felt good watching that. I felt a little bit vindicated. On another note, we see Jack's being brought up into the conversation for his cheating and Katie's issues with Jax as a human and how it's fractured her friendship with Brittany because she just doesn't enjoy being around Jack's. And it's interesting because the issue of cheating gets brought up and it doesn't seem to have a lasting impact. Katie seems like she's the only one really bothered by Jack's potentially cheating on Britney. What does it.
Feel like watching their reactions to Jack's and to this allegation and then he's immediately kind of accepted right back into this group. There's how you were treated.
It's the same core issue, right, the cheating. It's just interesting that everyone's so quick to brush it under the rug or try and a blind eye, or really not hold Jack's to the same accountability as Tom and I for the same cheating issue. Well, it's not the same. It is different, but at the core is the same transgression.
Do you feel like they're holding him at a different standard to you?
You know, I try not to compare myself to like my situation that I got involved with Tom, to Jackson's situation where he's cheating on Brittany. I try not to compare because it is different and it's fascinating to me that Jacks gets to come back on vander Pump Rules as a cast member, and it's like, uh okay. Because the scandal got so big, it acted as a reset on Jackson Brittany's reputation in a way where people forgot the reason why Jackson wasn't asked back for another season. And not that we need to like hold everything over everyone's heads, but it just makes you question, like, interesting, this scandal was so big that now Jax gets a quote unquote redemption season and there's a whole other series with the Valley. I think that goes to show that all of this is temporary and it's really silly to hold things over people's heads, like especially when they are actively making strides and changing and to become a better person. It's just interesting that we see Jackson Brittany get a full on you know, they're back in the mix.
Speaking of growth, James in this episode has a really big breakdown over leaving Hippee slash Graham, how did you feel watching.
That We're seeing a big redemption arc with James this season two. And I think the reason for that is, you know, I hypothesize that the reason for that is to make me look like the unstable one and James as the stable one. Clearly, he still has his issues, as I suspected, watching James breakdown is like, all right, here we go, here we go, here's the James that we know. As I'm beginning to be open to dating and experiencing, like, you know, what are the characteristics that I look for in a partner like number one? Number one is emotional regulation and communication. I think the reason why I'm prioritizing those things is because those are areas that had been lacking in my past relationships, but specifically with James. And so, you know, we see James have a little bit of a meltdown and you can see the shift like he's he's an adult child in that moment, and it's a very familiar thing to me. I've experienced that quite a bit in our relationship. As we're coming towards the end of season eleven, it seems like the worst is over as far as them bringing my name into the dialogue. You know, will continue to see how this season plays out, but I think that we've hit like a pivot point and this has been a roller coaster. I knew that it would be, but mentally preparing for watching this season and experiencing it is like, who Okay, it's been a lot. I'm hopeful and I'm optimistic, and I am choosing to stay in the reality that grounds me. Thank you so much for listening to Rachel Goes Rogue. Follow us on Instagram and TikTok for exclusive video content at Rachel gos Rogue Podcast