Pride is at a level 10 as Jonathan and Jaymes are joined by Teen Wolf star Colton Haynes! Colton opens up about the transformation from being closeted and told to be “less gay” in Hollywood…to the freedom of coming out and learning to be his true authentic self. We get all the details on everything from the highly anticipated Teen Wolf revival and how different it feels this time around…to his journey to sobriety and writing his book Miss Memory Lane.There’s so much to love about this Pridecast episode about learning to love yourself.
This is Pridecast with Jonathan Bennett James falk on I Heart Radio. Hey, everybody, welcome to Pridecast, your weekly dose of love, laughter, and hopefully a little inspiration and always a reminder to be proud of who you are. I'm your host, Jonathan Bennett, and I am joined by my husband, my betrothed. Is that what you would call you, a betrothed? I guess you could, Yeah, your betrothed? Or is that before you get married? Just watched the next season of bridget That's what's going on. Okay, I might be all into the bridge atain moment. Right now, James Vaughan is here with me, my fabulous, lovely, gorgeous husband. Maybe you lucky I'm still here. I thought i'd be a professional water skier by today. Oh my gosh, we have to tell everybody. So it was a holiday weekend and I took James, who used to be a professional roller skater, a national champion roller skater, in like elementary school or no high school school? High school? Oh my gosh, it was in high school anyway, I took him out skiing water skiing for the first time on the lake. He thought he was so cocky, and thought he was gonna get up his first try. And mind you, James is better at most things than I am. Like James always wins at everything, but I'm not always great at the aquatic. You're not great at the aquatic at the aquatic sports, shall we say? And James tried not once, not twice? But how many times did you try to get up? Fourteen times? And I was not able to manage getting up, but it was okay because we had a lot of fun. I, however, got up both times and also went outside the wake and jumped it. And I think I impressed you a little bit, didn't I? Baby, I'm not I'm not as the person who got voted off ninth no, who got voted off twelve on Dancing with the Stars, meaning that there were eleven people that were better than me on Dancing with the Stars. I am not the most athletic person in the world, or coordinated or graceful. There's a YouTube video of me falling off of a balcony. Um google it epic fail. Jonathan falls off of a balcony. Didn't you go to the hospital. I went to the hospital and broke two ribs because I tried to dance to Bette Midler's wind Beneath My Wings and slide down a banister to make a video for our step mom for Mother's Day and didn't work out. So while I broke a rib, well, you know, maybe why don't we switch skeears is something much more inspirational than than your athletic prowess. I think you're just embarrassed because you couldn't get it up on water skis. But here's what I love about doing podcasts. Sometimes you get to have your friends on the show. And one of my dear friends, Colton Haynes, is joining us because he has a new book coming out, Miss Memory Lane. It's out now. I'm so excited for Colton. I'm so excited for this book. Let's talk to Colton Haynes today on the show. We have a good friend of mine and a Hollywood I'm gonna call him Hollywood Gay Royalty. He is he is. He is the reigning of King of Hollywood who we absolutely love. The one and only, super talented, super handsome Colton Haynes. Welcome to the show. Bun that in that introduction, Um, yeah, I definitely don't deserve it, but yes you do. Yes, you do every up. Yes, we're this the podcast is all about hyping everybody up to deserve it. Well, I feel I feel the love. So thank you, and you guys are Yeah, you're lucky that you are. I guess I don't know if we can say where you are, where you where you live, You're you're living, You're living in my dream place, Palm Springs, Palm Springs. Yes, it's amazing because we go there and we were amongst our people, because we are just elderly gay men living in the desert clinging to our youth. That's what we do. That's what that's what this podcast is about. That's really what podcast is all about. Colton. That's why. Yeah, that's why I said yes, That's why I was like, of course I'm there, thank you, thank you very much. It means a lot. I feel seen. I feel very seen. Right now, he's releasing a book here. We have so much to talk to Colton has about on prodcast today. First of all, Colton, like, we go way back, we go back years and years over a decade. I've known you, and to see you be where you are now and just coming to your own is so so beautiful, Like it's it's so inspiring. And I just think of like when we first met with our good friend Ali Mackie in San Diego shooting. We were shooting a movie and you came to visit, like the person you were then versus the person you are now. It's just been such a cool journey to watch, even though there's been you know, hard, hard times and dark times throughout the journey, just like it's just so inspiring. It's crazy to think back to like what we were like when we were kids living in Hollywood. Oh, it was that was a different time. Definitely. We uh, yeah, we were. We were a wild bunch, I guess I could say. But yeah, I can't believe it's been over ten years since each other. I've known you for a long time. We didn't get to read your full book yet because we have we haven't gotten a cop, our hands on a copy of Coming to Milia, but we will. And but I know from what we've read about your book you talk about you know them like you know, we want to call it coming out and what it's like to be gay living in Hollywood. And I think of all the people I've ever talked to in my life where I say, oh, this person gets me. It would be Colton Haynes, and I I feel like you. There's a small group of us that were actors and we were told we weren't allowed to be ourselves, weren't allowed to be gay, we had to live in the closet, and we weren't allowed to show like who really were or we would lose everything. And then all of a sudden, we we live with that for years, and then all of a sudden, like shows start happening like Glee and all, you know, the Ryan Murphy of it all happens, and everyone's gay in Hollywood and everything is gay, and everything's gay and it's okay to be gay now, and we're sitting here going, guys, this is not what you told us for the past ten years, and now all of a sudden it's cool, like what do we do? What? Hello? You know, I think it's it's so it's so nice to like two see that. It's that it is kind of being more inclusive, but at the same time, it's kind of not being you know, it's not being as inclusive as it should be. Um, And I think it's definitely like even with you, I mean, you know, what you had to go through after after all of the you know with me and girls and everything. Um, but you still continued on and now you know, now you've evolved your career into many different ways. UM, it's definitely, it's it's very it's such a tricky thing with being you know, out in Hollywood because you know, you're you're basically told you can only be one way of like out if you're you know, if you're you know, mask presenting and essentially white, then you can you know, then you can be in Hollywood, if that makes sense. So I just think that that's such a wrong message to like to really send it to the to everybody. And you know, I think there just needs to be like more inclusion. But you know, I think we definitely had to go through it and are still going through it. Uh, to this day, you've done so many things from team Well, if you're shooting the movie right now, right, we just we just finished so and then I yeah, we finished, I flew here and then it's been kind of hitting the ground running. But like the movie was, it was so it was so wild to be around everybody and for it's like over ten years to go by, and it feels like we just like we just finished the show and so um and I love Atlanta. We got you back in the same kind of area that we shot in for the show, and yeah, that was just like so cool. But it happened so quickly, and I want to like go back so and it's it's so nostalgic for you to probably go there, see all that your family you shot with forever and then to all be back. It's one of those things where it feels like no time has passed, but it also feels like so much time has past? Is that so much? And plus now we're not in high school anymore? So well I don't we guess we weren't really in high school because we were. You've been playing in high school for fifty two years. Because your skin is so good, So we're just gonna lean into that Colton, okayd and twelve, but it looks fifteen. It's great on the inside. I definitely in life a hundred and fifty. So yeah, yeah, And so to be back with with the cast and to shoot that, what was some of your favorite moments? You know, going back to set with with everybody and like just tell us give the Vans some sneak peak of something, give them a nugget that they can be expecting. I it's so it so funny because it's it's like very top secret. But at the same time, like I think I did, you know, I didn't really ask for permission when I was like posting stuff. And I'm not the best at like social media anymore. I used to love it, and but so I would post things and be like, oh, I can't say the F word. Oh fuh um, I'll just say the editor some time. But yeah, I definitely it was so I kept spoiling certain things, but people weren't catching anything. So it was nice. What what that meant was they just weren't watching my stuff. But at the same time it felt nice too, like just kind of be how we used to be because we didn't have to really worry about um making the studio mad or things like that. And now it's like that's Paramount Plus, but like we're so glad to be on that platform and on that, you know, with with Paramount Plus and UM, hopefully there'll be an opportunity for more coming in the future, so we'll see how it's received. And yeah, can I be entertainment journalists second, and get a little deeper onsh because because we're going to talk about the book Miss Memory Lane, and we're talking about in that book, you share your story of how you got to where you are now. So being where you are now and going back to those people that you were with ten years ago, how different is that experience? They're just like it's so present now, you know. It kind of was. It was kind of shocking for everyone else to be like, wow, you're Everyone kept saying like, you know, why are you doing like bits, like why are you being like this? And I was like, I'm not doing a bit. I'm just kind of like I'm in a lot better of a wood now. And it kind of like someone kept saying that, and it was like making me mad, and I was like, look, i am not just because I'm not walking around with the dark cloud over my head all the time, like I'm still me and so I um, it was just so incredible too. I genuinely felt like I was everyone's mom, and so that was weird because I was like, damn, I mean, you know, so much chance change in all of our lives, but so much is still the same. We're still you know, We're still like that family at our core, but I'm just not staying out and you know, partying with everybody like I used to. But we god that the connection that everyone says that with their TV shows, everyone's like, you know, we're so close to their cast, But I feel like most people are just like, you know, there's just there's line. But this genuinely like this this cast has been my family and it's been with me through the darkest and you know, the highest, the best times of my life. Um, and we I think we just made more memories and like we everyone kept I can't say that it was it was so you want to do. Yeah, yeah, I'm like it's basically we were. We were just causing a lot of trouble, but in the best ways. Just kind of like, um, you know, doing our own thing on set and like just definitely making it all our own and kind of ad libbing and all this stuff, and it really I think made for it to be more I don't know, it just makes things more interesting on set. And we just had so much fun and um yeah, I'm literally trying not to spoil things. Yes, I can see what Yeah, you can see they people who are listening this can't see the wheels turnas yes. But he's also mouthing what the spoilers to us, So we're seeing that we're not going to tell anybody. Um now, so you said something really interesting just now. You said it was before you had like Instagram and everything, like back in the day when when Team Will started, social media wasn't as prevalent as it is now. Like it was there, but it wasn't what it you know has become. And in two thousand nineteen, you did an article with people and I have to quote you because it's so beautiful, or you didn't do an article for people. You posted this on your Instagram and they pulled it and we got to read it and learn about it. But you said, I don't want worrying about if I look hot or not on Instagram to be my legacy. I don't want to skirt around the truth to please other people or to gain economic success. I have far more important things to say than what magazine I just shot for what TV show I'm a part of, although I'm thankful for all of them, but I don't want to project a curated life. And I thought, and you go on to say, like I don't want to worry about what time it is and how many to post, Like am I posting at the right time? How many lights did I get? And it seems like you've stepped away from that in a sense, while still doing what you need to do for work, but been able to like step away from all of it. How does that feel? And first of all that it's probably the coolest post I've ever read in my life because I identify it with it personally so much. I think it's it's so beautiful. So how does it feel to kind of step away from all of it? I appreciate you for saying that, I, you know, it definitely feels. It really shows you that, you know, you what you kind of have to do to kind of stay relevant or you know. I think for me, chasing being relevant has never been monetarily valuable to me, And so I found that the more I just and me and I'm not focusing on doing things for my career, I'm more focused now. I think I'm really like trying to, you know, get my message across by like helping people or things like that, and like I'm not really like I'm not in the gym, like trying to have apps like it's just not it's not my project anymore. And so I when I got to take a step away from living my life for other people, I really got to focus. This book took me three years to write, and you know, it's it's not at all I mean, I think once you all read it, it's not at all what you're gonna expect, because it's very it is. I only said that I would do this if they would let me be a percent, if they wouldn't censor at all. And so I talked about some really really dark, extremely sexual dark really a lot of things that have happened and I and I and I was able to just really speak my truth with it. And and a lot of that has to do with UM something that does happen through the social media, because you know, I when you get to a point your career when you feel like everything is kind of on the rise and you know everyone has your back, and then all of that goes away. And just because my you know, my appearance had changed, I had gained sixty pounds, I you know, I UM, I had gotten into a a relationship which I legally can't talk about, but I got into a relationship. And so once you do those things, after coming out of the closet, you are no longer um in a way like viable or um you know, sexy to the public. And then once you so when you once, you lose all that and you start and I started to realize that my only currency based on what other people thought of me was the way that I look and so in a lot of ways, I felt like I had gone um all of the When when all that went away and I lost my currency, which was the way that I looked, I felt completely empty and broke. And so I didn't have to take a step back and be like, you know what, I I now get to present you know, my real self and my other things to the world with this book. And um yeah, social media is I think it's very useful and um but it it can be very very damaging to your mental health, I think, as all of us know. And I once I took a step away from that, didn't just personal you know, growth started happening for me. That was the longest answer in the world. No, it's so beautiful. Something there too that like I would love to touch on, like not even from like an actor or celebrity standpoint, but just from like just every gay man standpoint, especially like I feel like our generation you talk about like your parents being your currency, and I feel like that does happen a lot with a lot of us. I mean that that was me. I was like, I gotta get in the gym, I gotta become this person. And I would love to get a psychologist to talk to about this with a figure out like where that comes from, because for me, I think get was getting picked on, getting getting you know, called faggot and shoved into walls of the skating rink and and not being tough enough, not being what a man was, you know, from being from Virginia, like, and I think my way to combat that was, Okay, I'm gonna just get in the gym and I'm gonna become this guy that looks like all those muscle and fitness magazines I saw, and that's gonna be my thing. And then there's the weird sexualization by other people that comes with that that then starts to make you feel like, Okay, this is my value, this is this is what I have to offer the gay world. And I guess if I had some advice to the children that are listening to this, it would be find some other currency, find as much currency in other places for yourself as you can, because that can't be all you're about, because it does lead to a really dark spot when all of a sudden you don't have it. Yeah, it's definitely, you know. It's also once I stopped kind of living in this thing of like, you know, I was so angry at the way that I felt like I was being treated. But once I realized that I was the person who was putting that out in the world, once I realized I had to take part. I had to you know, I had to take stock of my part in all of that and being like I was forced feeding my my body and whatever I thought was, you know, the what people wanted, I was given that on a platter and serving serving it to everybody. And so once I kind of was like, you know what, I it's my physical being. My physical is literally the most unimportant part about me, and I think that my heart and that's one I'm not I definitely not one of the most confident people in the world. Um uh. And so I once I realized there are other parts of me that I that I love and also believe in more than my physical like my heart and my my ability to be vulnerable. I started really leaning into that and and well, I'm still want the best of social media, like I said, but I started really just um leaning on my you know, my humor and other qualities and just realizing that, I mean, I can't change this and so um. But at the same time, it's just not important to me. Like, I'm not trying to get a boyfriend. I'm not trying to find someone to have sex with. I'm not um, I'm not I'm genuinely just trying to be the best dad I can be to my four year old, my cat. And I see people says all the time when I say that I have a four year old and they're like, you're a dad. I'm like, yes, I am, uh no, but I definitely my priorities just have changed and I and I I I'm not at this point in my life. I'm just not trying to impress anyone. And so I don't really feel like personally that I that I have to or really need to like present a sexy kind of whatever bullshit thing because it's just not really um important to me anymore. Which because a lot of that did kind of really like break my like spirit, having to like present all of me to the world in the way that I did to try to have a career, and so you know, hopefully I can. I don't know, I'm rambling at this point, but now I love it. It's good. But everything you're saying is, yeah, there's people that are gonna hear this, and it's kind of like set off light bulbs for them. So it's good to just hear you, someone that they see on TV and in movies and that they aspire to be, like say this stuff, because I think it's just really important because even if like one person hears this and it saves them from a hell that any of us went through. I think it's totally totally valid for you to ramble as much as you want. And I think what you said there too, just now is there. You're you're not trying to be anything, like, you're not trying to be anything for other people. You're just trying to be yourself. And by you know, getting to this part of the journey that you're in now, you're able to do that. Because I remember when you're talking about your sense of humor, like your sense of humor and how funny you are. Like Colton Haynes is hilarious, and like I know that because I know Colton and I know he's hilarious, but like so many people didn't know that because you were you were in such a depression and had everything going on that you had this dark cloud. But I saw the glimpses when we were just being kids and like with Ali, just like musical theatering around and like just being the most when like all your guard would come down and you were just you getting to be you and that was hilarious and beautiful and funny, and you saw Colton. And then because of Hollywood and everything, all the other reasons, all the depression and everything stacks on top of it and suppresses the hilarious Colton Haynes. So like this is Jonathan Bennett saying on Priadcast, Colton Haynes is hilarious and I can't wait for the world to see how hilarious he is. I now like it'll be funny, definitely. Yeah, Now now do a bit press Uh no, no, I just like it's so it's just I didn't grow up like I just was always this like innocent very you know, I was a really effeminate kid and I and I just didn't know that it was wrong until like puberty hit me like a truck. And then then I was like, oh, oh who. Then I moved to l A, and you know, I was being told constantly that everything I was, that none of it would benefit me to pursue my dreams and so and so. Once that, you know, once I started losing all those are trying to fix the things I thought were wrong. I lost my sense of humor, I lost my I lost my passion for this entire industry. Um and I I definitely am like it's it's kind of hard for me to be honest. It's like the book, there are some humorous parts in it. I can you know there are I have this there's a lot of like a lot of things that I think we're funny, but it's so it's so it's so visceral and really really real and it's so emotional that it's hard to see the humor. And so me, I'm in interviews, I just love to like not answer any the questions and I just do kind of bits and like make jokes all the time, and I can't do that with the book, and so I think I find. What I'm finding is like I have friends who have you know, podcasts and things like that, but they're like comedians, and I'm like, those bitches didn't freak ask me to be I'm like, oh, They're not gonna ask me to be the cloud that's looming over their comedy podcast because I'm talking about like, you know, a lot of a lot of things. Yeah, yeah, so so yeah maybe the next maybe then that well, if I start working on the next book, you know, I'll do like the David Sedaris kind of like, you know, a little thing. I'm so happy that this book is out because I think with this book, you're gonna get so much personal healing from it, from from the world. Knowing your story, I'm sure there's gonna come a whole bunch of healing, hopefully, and with that comes your humor, and that will help you shine. And I hope you get to do really funny things in the future because I think you're hilarious hopefully. Thank you. Yeah. I just think that it's something that we all have in common, especially but you too, meet me. Just the stories I've heard from my husband and what I have gotten to see from sneak peaks of your book and interviews you've done. You guys went through a lot of the same stuff with people telling you you had to remember my baby time, but I haven't like talked down the octave and like do different stuff like that, which is like so dumb and so stupid and don't do it. And that's why I love the kids now that are just like living their lives and being so authentic on camera, which is awesome that we've gotten there. But you guys went through a lot of similar stuff. What's the thing I read about you having to do like post it notes when you talked to the what what is that under my tongue? I had to go get this? Who said this? To do well? This? This one of my my first manager when I moved to town. And so I basically was put into a movement for the actor class that that would that that helped me butch up. But also I was put into a speech therapy class. I was put in some class to fix my mannerisms, and so I used to have to put posting notes under my tongue to fix my list or or make sure my tongue was set back a bit, and so like I'm talking, I mean, the thing is is it's it. It's so for me, it is so like it's so refreshing to see that a lot of like we said, the kids these days are having to do that. And so I just hope that, um, I just hope that a lot of the ship that uh that we went through, UM I do it is still happening. I know that it is, and I'm sure we all know it is. It's just hard to see, you know, whenever the way that people are treated in the press, whenever there's a lot of speculation, because what that does is you know that I basically was told like, don't come out because there's already speculation. So the audience, the audience um already speculates. So they don't want you to tell them that they're right, but they also want when they want to feel like, they want to feel like they're right without being told that they're not. And so for me, I just that that thing of of coming out and then realizing that the interest was in the speculation, that like that that wasn't fun. And I just hope that more people don't have to go through, you know, hiding their true selves. I know, I feel you and it's something I had to do as well, like you know mean girls like I mean, I'm sure I'm gonna say. I'm just gonna say some things and see if you if any of these ring true for you, Colton, like going to an audition and like making sure you don't dress too gay, going to a red carpet and being like, oh ship, where are my hands? Where are my hands are? Don't flill your arms, don't flow your arms, like keep your hands in your pockets, like stay butch, stay low, stayground, and talk cool like which which Starlett? Which Starlett? Am? I gonna get pictures with that? That my manager will try to play some blogs so I can date a new girl this week. And it's and it's so miserable. And when people live like that. You both of us have done it. There's other people that do it, have had to do it, and so people still doing it. But what it leads to is it leads to depression. At leads to things I d yeah, it leads to alcoholism, it leads to addiction, It leads to all these things. And you're you're, you're you talked about being sober in in your book and your journey to sobriety, which I think is so beautiful and it changes your whole life, doesn't it. God, it's it's just what's it like here for you? For me, it really is this. You know, I'm a product of both my parents, which I talked about a lot in the book. They met and rehab and they kind of escaped together and they had a really timiltuous relationship. And um, and I I feel, you know, I think it's sober until after both my parents passed away and both dying from addiction and alcoholism. And so for me it feels like it's not only like a second lease on life because I ended up I had an overdose, ended up in the hospital, as in the hospital for over a month, um, and I having a second lease on life for me, but I'm also getting to live of the life that like my parents never got to live. And so I'm definitely not doing it for you know, not doing it for them. You have to do it for yourself first and foremost. But I to to kind of experience and realized that, you know, it is a disease. I didn't know that until I got sober, Like I didn't know it's it affects you know, your your it's a brain disease essentially alcoholism. So I there are things I just learned by getting sober that I wish my mom got to learn, but you know she didn't. That it's a very very intense. UM. It took me three years just to write this one chapter my mom because it's so emotional, and I think that you know, once you lose parents, UM, for me, I just I started trying to do things they never got to do and kind of always remind myself that, like, you know, there's we don't have that much time. And so that's what I kind of with my sobriety. I just really wanted to, um like honor them and also just like be there for myself for once. I never I never believed in myself really and I just always doubt, like I was always down on myself and always doing whatever I could to feel numb and just trying to really avoid working on my actual trauma and then just numbing it with pills and drugs and alcohol. And so now that I don't have to do that, UM, I'm definitely more awkward. I don't have I don't have that thing too you know, whenever I go to events, I I'm not a great party guest. I I literally and I have friends. My friend to look literally thinks it's the funniest thing in the world to bring because they always invite me, and it is. So it's like watching someone I just start acting like three different people and I don't even know who those people are, and so it is the most ridiculous thing. But I you know, it's Yeah, I definitely am not going to a lot of parties. I could say that because it's very awkward. It's award for everyone refined yourself when you had to become something else for so long. It's like, well, what parts of this are actually me? And how do I navigate getting myself back? Yeah? I feel like a four year old. We have so much more to get into, but we're gonna take a quick break right now. We'll be right back. Do you know Leslie Khan, the acting coach? You know of her? Right? So I walked into her class. I walked into her room to coach with her, probably three years ago, right, and I was like, I don't know what to do, and I was like talking about this character. I was like, he's straight, So I need to do this and should I stand like this? Where should I put my hands? And I was going on all these things and I kind of and she kind of asked some more questions about like my life and my what I had done work wise, and I told her about mean girls and everything and like went through all the jobs I'd had and them, and she took a beat and she looked at me and she goes, my god, you don't even know who you are. And I was like, you're right, I don't. And she goes, you're so worried about what the character is and what you have to be for all these other people, for these characters that you don't even know who you are to be able to do this audition. And I was like wow, and I it hit me so hard because it's true, like you and I both went through it with like I going to a party, like which which which Jonathan do they want? Do they want like cool? Butch Jonathan? Do they want like funny zany Jonathan that's like wacky and like you know, theater theater kid like but like who's who's who's gonna be there? Like and then you get then you go to like a house party and you'd be in a conundrum because you'd be at like a house party with like people from the industry, and like, okay, there's like HBO executives here are like some you know, like people from some network. So you wanted to be like cool guy because they're gonna cast me and I have to be like cool and straight and whatever. But then like your musical theater best friends would be there and so you're like all I want to do is sing Wicked and you're like going back and forth, and you'd be I'm this crazy person at the party, and so then you just drink to like numb it. Oh am, I right, that is one I just remember. I remember Zany Jonathan. I mean I remember being like, how in the hell does someone have that much energy? I literally I would and we would even like when you know when because Ali and I are still best friends, and even that that when we were all in San Diego, I was like if I wish I could bottle some of that up and like, you know, like um, but no, I definitely agree with what you're talking about. And you know, I think that you know, trying to present like really it is it is, you know for me at least, I'm sure that that y'all can say the same. It's it's kind of like I just wanted. I wanted to be whatever you wanted me to be. If that, if that was going to help me and closer towards my dream, I would be whoever you wanted me to be, because I didn't know who I was, and I still don't know who I am, and so I feel like I'm a four year old. I'm almost four years sober, and I'm doing things. You know, it's definitely an out of body experience. But like someone I someone wants um, it broke my heart. But someone I was playing in a tennis tournament, um, and uh, the announcer said, Holton Haynes. He's like a house with no furniture. He's like a beautiful house with no furniture, and and everyone's laughing and and it took me a second to kind of realize what that meant. And I was like, oh shit, Like he's got all the goods on the outside. You know, he's wearing the great tennis outfit he's got, he's you know, has a nice racket, but there's really nothing on the inside. He doesn't have a brain or anything on the inside, like and so that that didn't like spun me out and I wrote this like really, um it was. It was part of what got me my my the book was I wrote this kind of um intense uh letter that that kind of explained to how I am now, you know. And I really I once I realized that, like, yeah, I I don't live in that glass house that I used to have. And I once I realized that I am exactly who I'm meant to be, which is a two bedroom in the scorching hot valley, um with with second hand furniture and hand me down clothes that I love well one cat one because this one is murderous and will kill if I want more. But yeah, once I realized that, like like I'm okay, I now have like my internal furniture. There's furniture in this house and um and I, yeah, that's not really like in the book. But I've been thinking about it a lot because I'm in the process of working on something else. And um, I it's just that that the whole world could see, um that that that was kind of what I was presenting to the world, like just everything on the outside, but there's nothing going on in the inside that like broke my heart, and so that was kind of a catalyst to, you know, all the next kind of endeavors that I started working on. But I don't remember the question now. I'm just going no, it's perfect, It's absolutely beautiful. It just our whole point with podcast is being about a celebration and building up our community. And so there's stuff in this to take away that I hope people do take away. And I think a big thing here is because our community could so many times like gang up on each other, and I wanna talk mess on each other that if you see somebody being their authentic self and they are allowed, are they are flailly? Are they are boysterous? Are they are whatever you think they're not supposed to be because they are supposed to fit in your box. If just encourage them and applaud them and say something nice to them about it, like I love your energy that I tell my baby, like I love your flailing I love I call him my wacky Bruce because there's that scene in what's the movie, um, the Jim Carrey movie Anchor Man, Anchor Man. They cut to Wacky Bruce and I'm like, that's my baby's wacky Bruce, Like I like my wacky Bruce. And so when you see somebody just being themselves, especially in our community, just like build them up for that so they don't go through this dark stuff of feeling like they have to be something else like we all went through. Like we're in a different place now, So let them know they're amazing for being just themselves. And Colton, I think you're amazing for being who you are. I want to say it right now. Thank you. I think the same way about Lacky Bruce. Thank you. Now. This is podcast, and so we always like to make the listeners aware that, yes, you know we have we've done a lot of great work and we're we're headed into the future with some great things ahead for the l g B t Q plus community. But we also like to talk about our past and where we've come from, because to know where we're going, we got to know where we came from. So we like to do a thing we call this Week and gay History. James, what happened this week in gay history, which you will never deliver the actual information of gay history because you don't want to have to do I don't want to have to read the facts. I just want to do it because as is this happening right now Colton on the podcast, there's music under us playing because it's like a whole thing this week and gay history. Colton, We're going to teach you something. Here we go, James, but what happened research is done by our producer ray We thank you, But Raymond, I'm a skirt on this one because I've found something different that I actually really wanted to touch on because I think there's a little a little ton of conversation to have on this too. Up. So this week in Gay History, y'all know who Gilbert Baker is, but that don't look at the paper baby. Okay, obviously we don't, but we should because in nineteen fifty one, this week in gay History, Gilbert Baker, the designer of the Rainbow Pride flag, was born. So the original rainbow Pride flag wasn't availed at San Francisco Pride back in and the color the flag, which I don't know if you know what they were intended to be, but they were intended to reflect the diversity of the LGBTQ community. So that leads to the conversation of member A couple of years ago when people added, um, they added the design to the flag for trans and people of color and more representation, which if you pay attention to the history, you realize the whole point of the flag was to reflect the diversity. So that's kind of the point in doing it. But some people were like up in arms and like made a stink about it. You remember that? Yet? Where are you on that Colton? Do you remember that? I? You know, I feel like it's still you know, I think it's still going on. But I think as as long as its basically like, whatever colors we need to add to the flag to make sure that every community has represented, then then add whatever we need to add, Like I mean, I'll get my freaking sewing machine out right now, so you know he will, Nick, don't don't tempt him. He really will. So it's a new flag right here. He's gonna Betsy ross it right here. But I think we're all with you on that Colton, like, and I'll just say it like because we get to just say how we feel on this. Like, if you have an issue with them adding colors to the flag, it's stupid. I'm not saying you're stupid. But I'm saying the stance is stupid. The whole point is to make people like think about it. When we see a flag and we're traveling, we go somewhere you see that, like, oh, that's a safe space for us. That's a place we can go be ourselves. So the whole point of our community is to make sure everybody that is from a marginalized community in the l g B t q I A plus plus plus community feels safe. It feels like they have a place. So if we need to put the whole Crayola box on a flag and then a few extra colors to I say, go for it. Like that's the point that I'm always say this on our podcast. Their strengthened numbers. We are the alphabet mafia. The more the merrier, So I'm all for it. So if you have an issue with the flag still after I've given you this piece of gay history about the colors being for diversity, check yourself and then go get a new flag. And if we need to add burnt Sienna, for all the musical theater queens out there like me, I will I'm claiming burnt Sienna, that's the color I was the entire early two thousands because of the spray tan I got. That's true, that's true, Burnt Sienna. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes absolutely I love it. Oh my gosh. So pride means so much to so many people, and it's something different for each person. So I want to ask you, Colton Haynes, what does pride mean to you? It's Pride Month right now. What does pride mean to you? Gosh? It means that I get to exist in a world that you know, essentially growing up I didn't feel a part of. And also it just means that I like, yeah, I mean, it definitely means that I'm part of a family, and that's that's something that I haven't always felt like, especially growing up, and so um, you know, just it just means I get to just be my authentic self whoever I decided that I'm going to be that day, one of the you know ten characters, Yes, in the Colton Haynes movie, one of the ten characters shows up each day, whicheveryone he wants to be, he can be. It's awesome. Well you know what called real glad to see you? You were in that movie? What were you in teen teen? Spirit? Teen Spirit new movie on Paramount Plus. You know so real, it's not real excited for your book, Mr memory Lanes real excited give her another take. I don't need to see that. I'm just quoting Valerie Cherish. If nobody knows, favorite casing the entire world. When you also realized drag Race, he told Rue, that's who we wanted to be. Okay, snatch game as you opened a whole can of worms. I don't know if we're gonna get him back. We're not okay. Here's the thing. When I judged RuPaul's drag Race, I was sitting next to a Paul and I know she's a huge comeback fan, so I literally turned her at one point and I just like did a little bit of Valerie Cherish and I was like, real is it? Oh? And RuPaul lost it. It was off camera, but it was like one of my shining moments in my life. Like I made RuPaul laugh from doing such a good Valerie Cherished like, that's it, that's a wrap on me. I don't, I don't know. I have nothing else on my sleeve. I can't even, I can't even. I walked by RuPaul and I almost literal almost like painted. I can't even imagine having a conversation with Mama rou um because I I just yeah, I would, I would definitely paint. So that I did Snatch Game episode, so I got to go to do Snatch Game, which was even more stressful. And the runway they did frozen from Broadway and saying musical theater. So I was like Snatch Game, Rue Paul musical theater, like goodbye, Like I'm just I'm I'm out. I wouldn't be able to do it. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle it. Um. Do you remember your first Pride you went to? Do you remember? I'm I'm I know. I had a really interesting experience with like Pride and what that meant to me, like going to the actual events because of having to be in the closet. I would want to go, but it wasn't allowed to So we're like baseball hats and like try to like hide yourself because you still wanted to go. Did that happen to you? I just I I never you know, I never really went, and so like that. I think the thing that that was that really sucked for me is like I had a really troubling coming out when I was like fourteen, I ended up having to move away. But once I repaired the relationship with my mom by the time I was like sixteen, even though I wasn't living with her. Uh my mom brought me to Wichita Pride when I was sixteen, after after a very tumultuous coming out. So it's two years after that. And I don't talk about that and that in the book, and I definitely I should have, but I um like the fact that somehow a couple of years could go by and and my mom could. It wasn't that my mom was never homophobic. She just knew that it would have been hard for me to exist as a gay man in a town of six hundred people in Kansas. And then once I got to go, I went back to visit her and she brought me to which Top Pride when I was like sixteen, and it was like it was incredible. And then, um, you know, I moved to l A and when I had to like lock all my you know, lock myself back up in the closet, and I never really got to go. And now I'm uncomfortable around situations like that, just because I I find myself longing like I would I was a I mean, I was a goga boy when I was in high school, and so like I was sneaking in the clubs, and so I longed for that that old like I longed for that like that gay kind of freedom that I had when I was younger. And then now in l A, I'm having to learn how to how to be myself in situations like that because I find myself presenting Instagram Colton, that's what I call him, is like I find myself being like, oh, if I don't present what people, what the people who might follow me on social media want, then I'm just not there's no point in me being here because I'm not um, you know, I'm not keeping the dicks hard, and so I can't say I can't say that um, and so I I really it comes to a point where it's like I shouldn't be here because I'm not um, I'm not giving what people want for me, and so I still and it is kind of makes me sad because I, you know, I don't I don't like day or any of that stuff, and so like I'll find myself. I was in New York a couple of weeks ago, and like I was like, don't throw a pity for the pay party for yourself calling like I'm like walking by gay bars being like I wish I could go in there without feeling and still feel wholly anonymous and like still not feel like I have to um present, yeah, present, because I'm you know, in or at least was really in the public eye. So it's still something I'm working on. Thank thankful to my therapists multiple uh. And you know I'll get back. I'm going to get back to that kind of um, that kid that I used to have so in me, So you get it. I mean I even saw a big change that five and a half years I've been with Jonathan. I've seen a big change and what he would present places versus how he is now. So I mean it's it's a journey for sure. Like I I think, you get there and I'm gonna do something. You guys keep talking, Okay, are you going I'm just gonna get something, Okay, jam He's going to get something. But Dame's wasn't wearing pants when he got up, by the way, he never wears pants around the house. Literally why I married him. But I'm like, babe, there's a spot on the floor that he's cleaned again. He's like, why do you keep spilling stuff? I'm like, I don't such a fun time, Raymond. You're sitting here, Raymond Z we say that I have. Raymond, what do you think about all these stories You're you know, like, I took a long time to come out to my parents, and I think my whole life would be different. And if I felt like I could do it when I was fifteen mm hmm, yeah yeah, and I really like seeing those kids. And the thing that really hurt my like soul was having to go back in the closet like that was because like I was, I was just a I mean, I was not your average I mean I would fit right into the cast of Euphoria. Yeah, yeah, that was me. And then I you know, but yeah, I mean I think obviously we're on our own journey, and um, I think that that. Yeah, I mean it does. It does make me feel like you want to get back into like maybe go back to your teens and see what it would be like to live um kind of your authentic self back then. Um. And yeah, so I'm sorry you didn't get to do that, but yeah, James, what do you have? I would I would have loved So I'm coming in on the tail end of this, but I would have loved that. I always think, like, man, if I could go back to high school and not have to pretend that the guy I went to homecoming with was actually like we had to pretend that we weren't going together, and we had two girls that were friends come with us, and we couldn't even know as them that like they were coming with us because we wanted to go together. Like if we could go back now and see the kids like going to their homecomanies together, it is beautiful. Like I brought my I brought my boyfriend. In high school two, I was nominated for UM. I went to four different high schools my senior year. I was like the new kid, and I think I was only nominated for com king because everyone was like this, who is this guy? And I brought my boyfriend and I was out and we we got to like wear our matching suits and like um and you know, dance to like boys two men and UM and then yeah and then all that kind of you know, then you have to go back in because the same thing happened to me. I was out. I was a big old musical theater queen in high school, like the gayest kid you have ever met. I'm like, what do you want to sing? Rent, Like, we can do all of it. I can do all of it. Let's go. And then like I get all my children and I have to go back in the closet. So yes, I totally understand. What do you mean, like you're out? And then the industry puts us back in? James, what do you get? Well, No, I just went because like you talked about your therapist, and like, as gay men, a lot of us go to therapy. Um, it's a beautiful thing. It's a wonderful thing. And one of the things that my therapist taught me that has worked really well with me is replacing memories and replacing something that was bad or hurtful within like a good memory because the way the timeline of your brain works, it actually pushes stuff away, so whatever is more recent, like if added trauma in a certain place, like for example, the house that Jonathan and Iram was with my ax and like it was a really traumatic, hurtful place. But then Jonathan and I came here and did a lot of work to it, and it became a beautiful place. And now I love walking in here because I used to sing Wicked in the living room on a bicycle go on true story in the middle of pandemic. Actually did. But so I went to a lot of speech therapy. So you talk about speech therapy like resonates with me my voice. You will hear it go back and forth a thousand times too, between like accent not accent, like like my much higher pitched voice. My lower voice is just because like so many times, I was taught to talk so differently between like news and school and and and shows and all that. So what is the I got a post it note, which, by the way, was very hard to find in this house. What is the activity? How does this work? What were you supposed to do with this? You have to like fold it up. You have to basically like fold it up into something like a bunch of different like folded a bunch okay, and then yeah, and then put it yeah, a bunch of hals and then put it under your tongue. And it's supposed to um kind of fix the placement of your tongue. Let's see what happened. I couldn't say I'm just doing it right now and now I'm supposed to talk like this. It doesn't happen. This just made me like right back to your my fifth gray shelf, like I'm, I'm it's not right. It sounds like you're chewing gum. And this is supposed to help. It was supposed to help, like because once you isn't ridiculous, it's not what we're doing. What does it help do? So then once you take it out, it's supposed to help the placement of your tongue. So you have to talk like that for a long time. Um, but we shouldn't be Yeah, I mean like then once you it's the same with a highlighter, like if you if you put a highlighter in your mouth and talk and then you take it out and then it helps with addiction. Ah Colton, Before we go, I want to ask you what your favorite part are about being lgbt Q plus is what's your favorite part about being gay? Um that I kind of get to experience UM in a lot of ways. I get to feel like, I get to experience a lot of UM. I get to feel my feelings I think more because I do have you know I do have qualities of um, you know, I feel like I just have a lot of different qualities from growing up with my sisters and kind of identifying within and also with brought with my brothers, and you know, I think I just have access to my emotions, which I'm um. I mean, I'm proud just of so many things, but I definitely, um, I'm just at this point really proud that I live in a world where I'm able to exist whole, being, wholy myself because there's sort of people out there who don't get to be that, you know, who are who don't have that luxury. And you know, I think the more we are able to be ourselves and I think that that can just really can continue to change and allow other people to beat themselves as well. So um, yeah, that's beautiful. I love it. Al Right, before we go, kind do a big gay spotlight. Okay, go for it. I want to show him a big gay spotlight. You gott introduce me to the same played in music. All Right, it's time for this week's big gay Spotlight, where we shown a spotlight on someone in the lgbt Q plus community that is doing extraordinary things and needs to be hyped. So who we hype in this week? James, I don't always do celebrities on this, and I had somebody else alone switch it out with next week's because I think this is so cool. I'm showing I'm a big gay spotlight this week on Laverne Cox. Who adore Laverne. I love you to death. But I'm doing this not only for what an amazing advocate she is in so many ways for the trans community and for the queer community as a whole, but because I don't know if you'll saw this or not, but go look it up if you haven't google it. She was the inspiration for Mattel's first trans Barbie doll, and I can't think of a more perfect representative for that than Laverne Cox, and especially in the time when trans right seemed like they're so under attack, and to have Laverne who by the way, and give you a little history on this too, because this month in gay history, Laverne Cox was on the cover of What was It Time magazine um as the first uh industry about be in, the first openly transgender person to be nominated for a Primetime Emmy. That was two She's just trailblazing all the time, breaking down barriers. And now there's trends all out there for kids to play with and and and just feel seen and feel love. And it's just it's beautiful, like we're making progress, y'all. So a big gaye spotlight goes on the Verne Cox this week, Colton, do you want to shine your big gay spotling on anyone in your life? For anyone? You know, they don't gotta be famous, they don't gotta be famous, gonna be anyone, you know. I've gotten just to to There's a couple of people that I've um that I've just become. I feel like they're my best friends, just during the pandemic. And you know, my friend Brandon Kyle Goodman, who a lot of people I know from the internet. Um, he's you know, not only hilarious with they have something called Messy Mondays. But at the same time, I'm in the process of reading, um reading Brandon's book that is about to come what's going to come out shortly in a couple of months, I believe, And I'm just so inspired by Brandon and Brandon's on Big Mouth. He's a writer for Big Mouth and also has been in a bunch of other things, but it's just really been a friend that I've needed during the pandemic. And you know, whether it's my friend of look or actially or requested or Brandon, we really have formed these this bond, especially during the pandemic. Now to be out of it and actually like get to enjoy their company, Like I just gosh, I really learned so much from from them, and I'm just really really yeah, I definitely needed to slow down in the pandemic was de wally hard for all of us, but that's something good that came out of it from me. So and I want to shine my big gay spotlight, which I normally don't do. Usually we just shine one James. James kind of leads it. But I'm going to shine my big gay spotlight this week. I'm Colton Haynes. Because if there's anyone, oh my god, I'm getting emotional. No, we're not doing this now. If there's anyone that I feel like sees me and understands everything, it's Colton Haynes. Because I see you and I just understand you and to be able to do what you're doing now and to be fearless by releasing this book and having the strength and courage it takes to do what you're doing and to be on this journey you're on, and to stand up and tell your truth to the world in hopes that it inspires everyone. That is probably the strongest, most courageous, most respectable thing a human being can do. And so I shined my big spotlight on Mr Colton Haynes this week. I love you, Papa John's you know you see money there's people are gonna listen to this and need to hear it because both of you guys, at the height of your darkest place, if you had twenty seconds to go back in time and say something to yourself, what would you say. I'd say, it's okay to be gay, turn on the musical theater and just listen to it at full volume. Like I would say, just be yourself because you're scared that you're scared that once they find out the real you, they're not gonna love you, and that you're gonna disappoint your fans. But what happens is you realize that when you are your true self and live a true life of who you are, is when people can actually connect with you because no one connected with me because I wasn't a real person. I was a shell of like what I thought I should be. But when you're real person, people connect with you and they embrace you and they love you even more. So just be yourself and go for it because you only You're the only one that knows how to do you yeah, and you do it so well. So yeah, I mean this an emotionally took an emotion. I know, I didn't mean for it to get emotional, and all the sudden I got emotional because I'm so proud of you. Well we do, and we just have so much history and you know, like you know, I think I think that like if I could go back, I just would be. I think if this is something also that you could tell, you're all of us could tell ourselves, like you know that we're all worthy of love without pain. And I and I say in my dedication in the book, I dedicated to all the queer kids, and I say because and I say to all the queer kids, who, um, who would break their own arm if only to have someone signed their past, And I say, you're you're worthy of love without pain. Um. And that's that was me as a kid, I would do anything I could to feel uh like it, to feel attention or to feel love and to just feel a part of And so like I just think of like being that kid who would wear a cast to school and just hope that it would help me be a part of And so I think I would tell my myself in that kind of darkest time of like, hey, like, you don't need to continue to hurt yourself because you you're worthy of that love and you don't like that pain is not going to um just seeking out pain because you want to feel something that's not a reason, that's not the feeling that you want. And I would just tell he I would. I would just be like, yeah, I would tell myself you know you're worthy of love without pain, because that would have saved me a lot of heartaches. So well, I know you're saving a lot of people by writing this book and by telling your truth and being on this podcast and sharing your story. So thank you so much for joining us on podcast. Colton. If if you don't know, the book is out, it's Miss Memory Lane by Colton Haynes. It's out now. Where can you get it? Everywhere? Books are sold basically right never where books are sold. On the audio book, I pry on the last third of it and it is extremely heartbreaking, so I also get that too, because you're in for a Yeah. Also go buy tissues because it's a wild ride. So thank you so much for joining us, and we love you and we're so proud of you. And I cannot wait to read this book and I know people are going to freak out for it. Yeah. Thanks for sharing your story, buddy. Thank you so much. Thankank guys for having me. I really appreciate it. Okay, love you, Good to see you YouTube. H Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of Pridecast. Make sure you follow us along on Instagram at pridecast Pod, join the conversation and go please rate our podcast, give us reviews. And if you didn't like it, don't go rate or give us reviews, just do nothing. But if you loved us, give us some good reviews please and we will see you all hopefully at l A Pride Saturday, June eleven and June twelve. Come out and be proud of this two