Even though each woman’s story is different, the challenges that follow an abortion can be similar. She may be asking herself questions such as: “How can I find healing and renewal for where I am now? How do I process all these emotions (anger, grief, numbness), and will I ever stop feeling this way?”
Camille Cates, author of Moving Forward After Abortion had some of those same questions following her own abortion. She discovered help, hope and healing in Christ.
From letting go of your expectation that God is going to get you for what you did, and trusting that His plans for you are good, to what it means to accept forgiveness from God and forgive yourself this conversation with Camille will help you move forward after abortion.
It's the Perry and Shawna podcast on the real life journey with you, reminding you that you are ABBA's beloved child and that Jesus has called you into his massive mission to heal the world.
God loves you so much, and his desire for you is to heal all the broken parts of your heart. He just loves you so much. And I know in my time in meeting with the Lord, my heart is being changed. The more vulnerable, the more honest I am with God about what I'm feeling and what's going on in my life. The more healing I'm experiencing. And Camille, I know you've experienced hope and help and healing in Jesus Christ through being in God's Word. What did you need help and healing from?
Well, I was in my early 20s, married to a youth pastor, and I had been carrying around a big secret, and that was that. I had an abortion In my past, I actually had two unexpected pregnancies. Um, in my late teens or early 20s. Um, but here I was hurting, um, carrying around this secret. My husband knew about my past, but nobody else did. And so that was really preventing me from the healing that God had for me. So, you know, going back a little bit in the high school, um, I was boy crazy and didn't have a lot of, um, guidance on how to have a good, godly relationship. I grew up in the church. Uh, was there every time the doors were open? My parents were really involved in church, and, um, always heard, you know, don't have sex until you're married, but that's it. Nobody ever talked about why or how or, you know, the deep, beautiful meaning of, um, the sacredness of sex within marriage. And so by the time I got to high school, I was starting to date and feeling the pressure to become sexually active, and gave in to that pressure at age 15. So very young, but not so uncommon in today's culture. Um, that's a pretty, um, normal age for teens to begin being sexually active. And so by the time I was 16, almost 17, I became pregnant. And my mom, who was our preschool director at church, came to me. She found out and she said, Camille, do you want to have an abortion? And I said, I was shocked, and I said, you know, no, mom, this is my baby. I want to keep my baby. And my parents said, well, we'll support you. And I felt a little bit like one of those statistics in China that, you know, I hadn't had sex, gotten pregnant, and the guy didn't want to stick around. He was long gone. Um, so it was really just me and my parents. And then I had my daughter, Lauren. Um, I was I graduated, walked walk the stage six months pregnant and at the end of the summer had her and then started college full time with a two week old. So, um, you know, it was just kind of going through life, but I really felt this deep desire for relationship. And unbeknownst to me, that was really that heart desire was really for a closer relationship with the Lord. I had become a Christian when I was younger, but I just didn't have good discipleship. And so, um, you know, here I was trying to trying to find a good relationship. And because I hadn't really been taught again, I got into another relationship. We became sexually active, and I became pregnant again very quickly. And then we didn't know what we were going to do. We thought we might get married. Um, he seemed like a nice guy, but I was young and naive, and we hadn't known each other for very long. And one night while he was watching her for me, I was at my part time job and my mom came in and she said, Camille, you've got to go to the hospital. Something's happened to Lauren. And we found out through the course of the evening that my boyfriend had sexually assaulted and shaken her to death. And so here I was pregnant with his baby, and we hadn't even left the hospital after saying goodbye to my daughter, Lauren. We hit the parking lot, and my parents are pressuring me. We know you're pregnant. You have to have an abortion. And so I really, really wrestled with that, but ended up having an abortion four days after we buried my daughter.
Oh, my gosh, my life just spiraled.
Camille Cates is so grateful for your transparency. A biblical counselor and is the author of Moving Forward After Abortion. And I mean, there you are in the wreckage. I mean, the absolute wreckage of life. And did you Did you think you'd ever get out of that?
No. I mean, it was such a dark time for me spiritually after, you know, losing my daughter and then having the abortion. And for a lot of women, I've worked with women who are post-abortive for, gosh, nearly 30 years. And, um, a lot of us come to that decision with, with trauma or other things, other complications that are really, um, adding to the pressure to have an abortion. So I, I really struggled for 2 to 3 years and then, um, ended up getting married to somebody that I knew, um, from church growing up. He was a youth pastor, and I really wrestled even with that thinking, you know, what does this guy have? He doesn't have any business being with a girl like me. But, um, I didn't think he knew about my abortion. I knew everybody knew about my daughter. Um, it was it was in the headlines in our town growing up and but he told me one night he he had feelings for me. And since my hesitation, he said, Camille, he said, I know about your abortion and I love you anyway. And it freaked me out a little bit. I was like, okay, well, I've got to go home now. So. But I remember on the drive home, just the Lord's sweetness in bringing the gospel back to me and that he's a holy God and we are sinners, but he loves us and he wants to be with us anyway. And that's why he sent Jesus to die on the cross. So that was a really pivotal time for me. But I really, really struggled even after we got married. Um, our marriage was really hard for the first three years because of my abortion and all that it caused, like you said. And so a lot of women just think, you know, Jesus wants, you know, he forgives me. So I'm good. But there's healing that needs to happen after that.
Yeah, all of us, regardless of what your story is, we have places in our story that man, we need healing for what we have been through, for what has been done to us and and sometimes even for the choices that we've made. And God wants to meet you and bring about the healing that your heart longs for.
If you don't know my story, as a teenager, I was a follower of Jesus, but I just had so many failures. I didn't know how to walk with Jesus. I didn't know how to tap into his strength and his love and his grace. And I had so many sexual failures, and those failures created such deep shame in my heart. And, you know, shame says you are the worst thing that you've ever done, and there's no hope for you. You're unforgivable. But here I am, you know, talking about God's grace. And it's been a journey of receiving that grace in my life. Camille, you've been really open already about having had an abortion. What was the what was the one thing that was hardest for you in accepting God's forgiveness?
Well, I think, you know, a lot of people look at the sins that we kind of put in another category. Um, abortion is one of those. And, you know, a lot of women will question and men who've been involved in an abortion, you know, can God really forgive me for that? But Jesus, his blood was shed to pay for all sin. And we either have to believe what God's Word says, or we'll try and make atonement ourselves. And that never works. I hear a lot of people try and say, well, I just need to learn to forgive myself, but we can't. We're not God. You know, God forgives sin and they get stuck there. Um, and I, I kind of had that idea in the beginning. Well, I know Jesus Forgives forgave me, Forgive me, but I just need to forgive myself. But it wasn't until I fully embraced the gospel. Like God is the only one who can forgive my sin. I can't make up for this. I can't do anything. And if I don't receive this, I don't have a leg to stand on. The only thing I can stand up on is his grace. Through his shed blood on the cross. That alone is what forgives sin. And so once I embrace that, I was able to stand up and just know that there's no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus is what Romans says. And so do you believe that? Or don't you believe that? And and thankfully, that's all we have. So that was all I could stand up on. And I'm thankful. Thankful because his grace is sufficient.
You were talking a minute ago, Camille, about just like the difference between forgiveness, forgiving yourself and God forgiving you. And this thought, this fresh thought just came to my mind because we talk about forgiving ourselves a lot. But isn't that really just the difference between what I feel versus what God's Word says?
Yes. Yeah. Because if you look in Scripture, I mean, how many times are we commanded to forgive others? A lot. How many times are we commanded to forgive ourselves? Zero. It's not in there. And I think it's such a trick of the enemy to keep us from fully embracing and receiving Christ's forgiveness. What he did to tone and pay for our sins.
You know, for me, in my story, I've actually written a song called Forgive Myself. And so for me, I understand forgiving myself to be. I'm accepting God's forgiveness. Christ has died for me, but I need to receive that forgiveness. And so that's the sense in which, I mean, I forgive myself. It's not that I have the power. Well, I have the power to power to forgive another human being. And so I think we have a relationship with ourself as well. And so, just as because God has forgiven me. I forgive you, Shauna. I think because God has forgiven me, I can accept his forgiveness and forgive myself.
Well, there are some natural consequences for the choices that we make. There is natural fallout, but that's different from anticipating that God is going to make us pay for what we did. Camille, can you talk to that ideology? Because this, I would imagine, exists with women who've had an abortion and walk through that heartache, but also the men who've been involved in those decisions. And even outside of that specific topic, we've all got stories, things that we've done in our life. If we carry this ideology with us, that at any given moment, God's going to make me pay, you know. How do we walk out of that fear? Can you? Can you speak into that a little bit?
Yeah. I think it's a very common fear for, um, women and sometimes men who've experienced an abortion. I know it was mine. Um, it was something that really wreaked havoc on our marriage. Um, I was scared to death that God was not going to allow me to have any more children, that he was going to punish me. And that's a very common, um, thinking for, uh, women and men to struggle with. And so, you know, really understanding, like you said, natural consequences. Um, but God's not a punishing God. He punished Christ on the cross for our sins. So our punishment that we deserve for anything that we've done against God or other people fell on Christ on the cross. He absorbed all of God's wrath. And so that leaves no more A room to fear that God is out to get us, um, that he's going to punish us. Yes, we have natural consequences. Sure, there are some women that maybe they were never able to have children. Um, but that's not going to be a consistent occurrence or a punishment. You know, somebody can get in a car and, um, drive drunk and have the natural consequence of hitting somebody and killing somebody. But not everybody who gets in the car and drives drunk is going to have that natural consequence. And so, um, it really when you work through the gospel and what Jesus did and absorbing the wrath of God for all sin, for all time, for all people, then you really begin to understand, like God's not out to get me. He loves me. He wants a relationship with me and he wants to heal that and help me. You know, the Bible says perfect love casts out all fear. So we need to know God's perfect love for us, and that removes that fear. But it's something that a lot of people need to work through biblically to really come to that understanding. Receive it.
Camille, there's somebody listening who's had a woman who's had an abortion. There's a guy who talked his girlfriend into having an abortion or his wife into having an abortion. And and now they really regret it. And now they're filled with shame, and now they're feeling hopeless. Talk to their hopelessness.
The darkness of that decision can really threaten to overwhelm you. And it feels suffocating. But Christ is light and he is hope. And you know, we're encouraged so many times through God's Word to to draw near to God and he'll draw near to us. Um, his arms are always outstretched and open. And so it's taking that step of faith. And and I would encourage you, if you know your post-abortive together to take that step together, you know, towards Christ. Reach out for help, get the book, um, read it together. Look at the scriptures and then ask God if you're if your faith is little. Ask him for more. Um, God help me in my unbelief to believe what you have for me and that there's hope and light.
And maybe just to bring it into the light. Maybe it's never been brought into the light.
Right?
What do you.
Think? Yes. Oh, absolutely. There's so many. You know, I've heard of pastors, elders. Um, I've heard of an elder that wouldn't go to his church on Sanctity of Human Life Sunday because he was fearful of what might come out of him emotionally. So if we will bring those to the light with somebody that we trust, a trusted Christian friend or a biblical counselor or your pastor, that's bringing it into the light. And that's the first step. You're right, Perry, it's a great step.
I got to believe that, you know, feeling like the other shoe was going to drop. Like God's just waiting to punish you is so connected to not fully understanding how loved you are by God. If you're struggling with that right now, will you just take a minute and ask the Lord to tell you how much he loves you?
You are not the worst thing that you've ever done, but moving forward from that is not easy. I know that really well because for much of my life I've struggled with that feeling. Oh, I'm the worst thing that I've ever done, but I'm so grateful that the gospel speaks to that. And the gospel gives me a new identity. But Camille, it's hard to move forward from. I'm not the worst thing I've ever done. You've shared with us that you had an abortion. How do you start moving forward, actually making progress and not just living in that darkness.
Yeah, that's a great point, Perry. So, you know, we talked earlier about forgiveness. You know, that's always where we need to start is with Christ forgiveness. But so many women have just said, well, I know Jesus forgives me. I'm good. And they don't really understand that there's healing. There's sanctification. As a Christian, um, to grow and change from the abortion experience, there's so many thoughts and emotions that were wrapped up in that experience or experiences. You know, a lot of women have had multiple abortions. So really being able to take those emotions and those thoughts and working through them according to God's word. For me, it was anger. I was very angry. Um, I was angry at my boyfriend for what I felt like was putting us in that situation. Um, later on, I was angry at my parents for really putting pressure on me at such a vulnerable time. I was angry at my own choices, you know? So really working through that and understanding, um, what God's Word says about our anger. Some people think anger is a sin. Anger is not sin. It says to be angry and don't sin. You know, and we can have sinful anger. We can respond sinfully in our anger, but really understanding that there are some things that we are right to be angry over and that sin, just like God, is angry. So just that's just one example. So there's anger and regret and sorrow, and sometimes women are struggling with depression. Um, men too. Anxiety, um, suicidal ideations. We need God's word to be applied as a as a healing, um, medicine to our hearts so that we can move forward in Christ.
Camille, we touched on a little bit. Just it being a secret. Like you've had an had an abortion. It's a part of your story. But I want you to speak very specifically to the one person right now who's listening. I'm sure there's more than one, but. But to speak to the one who's just never told a soul that this is a part of her story. What do you want her to know today?
Yeah. My heart goes out to you because you're keeping a secret that is too heavy to bear alone. Um. The Bible tells us to bear one another's burdens. And you know, the act of taking the life of your child is a heavy, heavy burden on the soul. And yes, we can come to the Lord, but I believe it's James 516 says that we are to confess our sins one to another, and pray for each other, that we might find healing. And not that you have to go and shout from the rooftops what you've done or what you've experienced, but find that one friend that can be trusted. I was scared to death the first time I had to tell anybody other than my husband that fear of rejection. And I think just overcoming that fear, if they love you enough where you're at and they love Jesus, they're going to love you in spite of what you tell them.
Mhm.
I know from your story, Camille, that your husband knew about your abortion. You didn't know. He knew about your abortion, but he said, Camille, I know you had an abortion and and he gave you grace, but how did, how did he know. How did he find out?
Gosh, it's a long.
Story.
Short. He, you know, it was all I can say is really it was just God's divine providence. Um, somebody that I didn't know knew, uh, at our church. And he was they knew he was going in youth ministry, and they felt like he needed to know. And he did, because God used it. And God, you know, by him sharing it with me, it gave me such freedom. And again, that picture of the gospel that that God loves us, he knows all of the things that we've done. And yet he sent his son anyway while we were still sinners and died for us. So he loves us that much. And whoever loves Jesus really and truly will love you that much too. So I would encourage you to bring that into the light as we've been talking about.
God knows everything about you, all the things that you wish he didn't. He knows and he loves you. He loves you so much.
Thanks for letting Barry and Shawna walk the real life journey with you. The content from the Perry and Shawna podcast comes from their live show Barry and Shana Mornings on 89.3 Moody Radio, Grand Rapids, Michigan. Reach out to us by texting 800 968 8009 30. And please subscribe.