Chances are that at some point in your life you’ll be asked to deliver a eulogy, or to present a spoken tribute after the death of a loved friend or family member.
It seems at first that words will never be enough to express the essence of a human life.
But words in the form of a eulogy, delivered by someone with a personal connection, can do much to support a community and to provide a respectful tribute.
Given most of us fear public speaking and it’s an emotionally charged occasion, taking the time to think deeply about what you’ll say and how you’ll present those words, will ensure you’re as prepared as you can be.
Phil speaks with Communications Expert, Monica Lunin, who shares some tips on how to write and deliver a eulogy that helps.
Here's a question for you that you may not get asked very often, but you may get asked, and if you do, you might go I haven't ever thought about that question. What would you do if you were asked to write and deliver a eulogy? Would you feel so obligated that you would do it and panic all the way through? Would you say, look for so many different reasons I can't do this, and then live with the regret of not having a hand You say, well, this is where our next guest comes in, Monica Lunnon. Hello Monica, nice to talk to you, good monic communications expert. Let's talk about how to write and deliver a eulogy and really where to start.
Yeah, well, I think often people have to begin with just committing to doing it. So if they've been asked to give a eulogy, presumably there's somebody important in the life of the deceased, and so often people avoid it, they say no, and then maybe they regret it later. So the first thing is to embrace the opportunity and overcome the fear that you might have about speaking in front of a group. Say yes, and then pick up a pen and think about what you're going to say.
It's a lot of responsibility, isn't it. And it's not just the delivering, which of course people don't like doing. It's you know, one of the greatest fears is to get up in front of people, but also in a solemn occasion like that, that makes it a lot more difficult as well. I guess the most important thing to do is to be totally prepared so you know where you're going with it.
Yeah, that's right. And so when I work with corporate clients, you know, helping people improve their presentation skills, their public speaking skills. I wouldn't normally give the advice to completely write down everything you're going to say word for word, but in the case of a eulogy, I would say do that absolutely, because the chances are that emotions are going to get the better of you, you might lose your place, and having something written and prepared that you can lean on when everything else goes wrong gives you that safety blanket. So I really do advocate for having everything prepared and written down, choosing a structure that you're going to start to pull in possibly different stories. Maybe you want to talk about the person that's died in a chronological sense, starting from their childhood moving through their life. But there's lots of other creative ways you can structure a eulogy, but just like any speech, they work best if they have some sort of structure. It helps you write things more quickly.
Do you think the onus is on the person that's writing the eulogy to contact as many family and friends to get their stories as well.
Yes, definitely. And often what we're seeing is is more than one speaker at a funeral. So I was at a memorial service recently and there were four different speakers from the family, and obviously they hadn't compared notes beforehand. And although it was you know, it was a really wonderful event, the same story was repeated. In this case, it was about how the woman who had died had met their husband, and it was told four different versions that could be easily avoided if you just compare notes.
That's a good idea, because I went to one recently where I heard, like you said, the same story told three times, and I thought, and these were broadcasters who did this too, I thought, maybe you should admit that, even if it's an important part of your story.
Yes, exactly, think on you so even though you do have it prepared, you know what you're going to say, you should be able to think on your feet a little bit and drop that bit if it's already been said. You know, the idea of talking to other people and getting their insights is really nice to include in a eulogy so that you can bring everybody that's in the room, everybody that's assembled into the eulogy. So there might be people from different avenues of the person's life. You know, somebody from a club or an association that they're part of, different branches of the family that they might have met in other circumstances. So one of your jobs, if you like, in delivering the eulogy is to create this communion of people and provide that opportunity for everyone to say goodbye. So you're sort of performing a little bit of a ritual. And on the other hand, it's also nice to include things about you. So what was your relationship with the person, What specific stories do you have about how they affected your life. So if you can also make it quite personal with anecdotes and stories, that really helps to bring me the rest of the assembled group with you in remembering this individual.
What part of this does humor play. The reason I asked that is I had to do a eulogy for a family member. I had to read a really solemn poem. There was so much sadness in the room and I actually made and I don't know why I did this. I made a joke and people laughed, and I thought at the time, Oh God, what am I doing? Why am I saying this?
This is terrible?
And afterwards people said to me, you know, that was really good that you did that, because it did also just break the intense emotion that was in the room.
Yeah, that's right. It's interesting, Phil that you asked that question, because that's one of the roles that we have to perform as well, is to look after the emotional level of intensity in the room when you're the person delivering the eulogy, and humor is the best way to just hit that pressure, relief, just release the pressure by allowing people to have a laugh. So you sort of brought in two things there that are really interesting, really useful guidelines when developing and delivering a eulogy. The first is the use of poetry. So sometimes you know, we want to say something and we want to capture this sentiment or emotion that relates to the person and how we feel about them, and maybe we'd don't always have the words. So that's why we hear a lot of quotes, either from literature or from poetry, or maybe more in your world, song lyrics, because that can help us say what it is we're trying to say using somebody else's art. But when it's too intense, when there's too much sadness in the room, a really effective eulogy can just release that pressure valve with a joke. It's a little bit like what Hannah Gatsby talks about in some of her stand up routines, that humor allows people to come together and it provides this sort of cathartic communal experience. So I don't think we should think it's disrespectful in any way as long as it's appropriate humor. It also brings people together because it can be so emotional.
Well, I said, everybody's sitting there, they're so tense in some respects, it's like releasing a pressure valve where people can breathe again, and you know, try and get some other kind of perspective of it too. I saw a really great eulogy that John Clees did for a fellow Monty Python member who died, and he said, you know, this is the first funeral where somebody in a church is going to say the sea word. And then he said it, and you know, people just they loved it, and that I think was you know, something that was probably very memorable to the family as well.
So appropriate. I've seen that clip as well, and I just think it's brilliant. But the point is that it's appropriate for Pleas to be delivering that eulogy, and the person that he was speaking about, one of his partners in Christ, wouldn't necessarily do that.
Now, that wasn't a suggestion for ever vacation at all. That's right, mind you. I've got a friend and we've often talked about this. You know that you want your eulogy, especially with your close friends, to be something where they can also get a bit of a laugh about, you know, your life. And we said, if you ever do a eulogy, make up something like, oh, you know, Jack was an amazing kayaker and I don't know how many of you were aware, and that he won medals and it's your own little sort of private joke among the friends as well.
See if you can get away with it and people go, I.
Didn't realize that about it.
He was a kayaker well. And of course that reminds me that different cultures have different traditions around what's appropriate in a eulogy. So even if you're you're, you know, maybe in a church or another religious institution, and there's quite a somber frame, you can still bring joy into the eulogy. You can still acknowledge the sadness, but also acknowledge all the great things and encourage people to end on the note of celebrating the life that was lived.
And one more thing, most important thing, if you're printing it out, make sure you have large font because you might not be able to see it in a dimly litched.
And sometimes you just you know, emotions just take over and somebody else might have to read the eulogy for you. That does happen