How to know if a relationship is worth it? How to evaluate your relationship. Somebody who's studied this is strategic psychotherapist Bronwin Penn Halligan. Good morning, Bronlin, Thank you for doing this.

How to know if a relationship is worth it? How to evaluate your relationship. Somebody who's studied this is strategic psychotherapist Bronwin Penn Halligan. Good morning, Bronlin, Thank you for doing this.

Pleasure happy to be here.

Pleasure happy to be here.

So how can you tell if the relationship is worth it? You know, do you sort of evaluate by saying, well, I'm happy sixty percent of the time, eighty percent of the time, or I don't know, what do you suggest? Look?

So how can you tell if the relationship is worth it? You know, do you sort of evaluate by saying, well, I'm happy sixty percent of the time, eighty percent of the time, or I don't know, what do you suggest? Look?

I think the really fun facts about relationships that they are very fluid and very dynamic situations. So you know, every single day we're working with a whole bunch of different variables. Right, So, kind of putting it into a framework whereby you know, your measuring or testing doesn't really work. We need to go a little bit deeper and start to think about the value sets of what's driving interactions and behaviors and start from that point.

I think the really fun facts about relationships that they are very fluid and very dynamic situations. So you know, every single day we're working with a whole bunch of different variables. Right, So, kind of putting it into a framework whereby you know, your measuring or testing doesn't really work. We need to go a little bit deeper and start to think about the value sets of what's driving interactions and behaviors and start from that point.

Okay, so what are the value sets? Can you give me a couple of examples?

Okay, so what are the value sets? Can you give me a couple of examples?

Yeah? Absolutely, so. I think that one of the great places to start is how do I feel around being honest? And by being honest, I mean really truly honestly honest, And is that a safe thing for you to do in the relationship. Is it okay for you to give feedback or do you find that you're couching things in a certain way and posturing things in a certain way, so to avoid a conflict. That's typically a good place to start. And then the next piece is more around is the effort in the relationship a mutual things? So are we both initiating contact? Are we both working collectively on resolving conflict, making plans that kind of thing, Because sometimes if you're the person who's doing a lot of the over work holding it together, then you're not really in a partnership. You're more just managing the dynamic.

Yeah? Absolutely, so. I think that one of the great places to start is how do I feel around being honest? And by being honest, I mean really truly honestly honest, And is that a safe thing for you to do in the relationship. Is it okay for you to give feedback or do you find that you're couching things in a certain way and posturing things in a certain way, so to avoid a conflict. That's typically a good place to start. And then the next piece is more around is the effort in the relationship a mutual things? So are we both initiating contact? Are we both working collectively on resolving conflict, making plans that kind of thing, Because sometimes if you're the person who's doing a lot of the over work holding it together, then you're not really in a partnership. You're more just managing the dynamic.

I've done just a peculiar thing where one party regards the other quite literally as a good catch. Isn't happy? What's going on there?

I've done just a peculiar thing where one party regards the other quite literally as a good catch. Isn't happy? What's going on there?

Well, I guess the moment's about being a good catch. It kind of comes down to, well, how are we measuring success? What does that look like?

Well, I guess the moment's about being a good catch. It kind of comes down to, well, how are we measuring success? What does that look like?

Yeah?

Yeah?

And I guess for some people, you know, being a good catch per se might simply be linked to what's available from a financial set or the extensions that they provide in the social life and that kind of thing. So again it comes down to feeling I am I in something that feels equitable and where I feel like a priority or more of just an option.

And I guess for some people, you know, being a good catch per se might simply be linked to what's available from a financial set or the extensions that they provide in the social life and that kind of thing. So again it comes down to feeling I am I in something that feels equitable and where I feel like a priority or more of just an option.

But I mean, isn't it a case of if the person ain't doing it for you, they're not really a good catch, even if you're comparing them to you know, what the friends have. I've noticed a peculiar thing with Miles over the years, who have been sufficiently wealthy, personable, whatever it takes to get a real beauty, and then when they're out in public they spend their time denigrating the woman. That's weird, isn't it.

But I mean, isn't it a case of if the person ain't doing it for you, they're not really a good catch, even if you're comparing them to you know, what the friends have. I've noticed a peculiar thing with Miles over the years, who have been sufficiently wealthy, personable, whatever it takes to get a real beauty, and then when they're out in public they spend their time denigrating the woman. That's weird, isn't it.

Yeah, Yeah, that certainly doesn't sound like an invested and respectful interaction at all there, right, Because I guess you know, it's about thinking around, well, what is the purpose of partnership here? And if it's if what you're or what someone is looking to fulfill is to have essentially someone who looks really nice next to them in photographs. I mean, perhaps you know those value sets and being able to actually create a life together is feeling like less of a priority. Therefore, you know, the relationship would be fairly surface level.

Yeah, Yeah, that certainly doesn't sound like an invested and respectful interaction at all there, right, Because I guess you know, it's about thinking around, well, what is the purpose of partnership here? And if it's if what you're or what someone is looking to fulfill is to have essentially someone who looks really nice next to them in photographs. I mean, perhaps you know those value sets and being able to actually create a life together is feeling like less of a priority. Therefore, you know, the relationship would be fairly surface level.

I would imagine, Yes, it's some kind of odd ego driven thing. I guess either a self esteem thing or saying, hey, look what I can get and it's nothing to me.

I would imagine, Yes, it's some kind of odd ego driven thing. I guess either a self esteem thing or saying, hey, look what I can get and it's nothing to me.

Yeah, yeah, look I think it's it is interesting. I mean, on one hand, to be the person that is, you know, feeling very much empowered and that I get to have my pick of all the flowers, so to speak, versus being the person that does feel like they're a flower that's been selected. Right, because then what are you? I mean, you're going a wither as you age and perhaps not quite be in competition all the time for making sure that you're staying still in good favor as it were.

Yeah, yeah, look I think it's it is interesting. I mean, on one hand, to be the person that is, you know, feeling very much empowered and that I get to have my pick of all the flowers, so to speak, versus being the person that does feel like they're a flower that's been selected. Right, because then what are you? I mean, you're going a wither as you age and perhaps not quite be in competition all the time for making sure that you're staying still in good favor as it were.

You have a saying here, if it costs you your peace, it's too expensive. What do you mean?

You have a saying here, if it costs you your peace, it's too expensive. What do you mean?

Yeah, I thought you'd ask about that, Mike. So this is more about emotional peace, so that kind that lets you feel safe and steady and like yourself. Like all relationships have conflict, right, I mean that's part of what makes them challenging and helps us grow. So it doesn't have to be perfect. But if you're feeling like you're walking on eggshells or over explaining yourself, they can guessing you're worse. I mean that's what takes a toll there and so while the right relationship will challenge you, it shouldn't be eroding you. That's you know, that kind of terminology of costing you your peace is what that's really about.

Yeah, I thought you'd ask about that, Mike. So this is more about emotional peace, so that kind that lets you feel safe and steady and like yourself. Like all relationships have conflict, right, I mean that's part of what makes them challenging and helps us grow. So it doesn't have to be perfect. But if you're feeling like you're walking on eggshells or over explaining yourself, they can guessing you're worse. I mean that's what takes a toll there and so while the right relationship will challenge you, it shouldn't be eroding you. That's you know, that kind of terminology of costing you your peace is what that's really about.

Okay. I know somebody who told the kids that came with the man in her life when she married him, living with your father was like living with an unexploded bomb.

Okay. I know somebody who told the kids that came with the man in her life when she married him, living with your father was like living with an unexploded bomb.

Oh wow wow, Okay, yeah, that would absolutely be the walking on actual analogy right there right waiting for what's going to happen next. And I think that's also what becomes quite difficult and challenging. And you know, when relationships aren't coming from that place of deep connection and that safety that I was talking about, Because if you feel that you can't be your true, honest, transparent, authentic self with your partner, well it's probably time to have a little bit of a think about, well, what else is this relationship costing me or what is it adding to my life.

Oh wow wow, Okay, yeah, that would absolutely be the walking on actual analogy right there right waiting for what's going to happen next. And I think that's also what becomes quite difficult and challenging. And you know, when relationships aren't coming from that place of deep connection and that safety that I was talking about, Because if you feel that you can't be your true, honest, transparent, authentic self with your partner, well it's probably time to have a little bit of a think about, well, what else is this relationship costing me or what is it adding to my life.

By the way, to the very best of my knowledge, there was no violence in the relationship. It was just a feeling kind of an attitude. But one of the difficulties, if I may say, is certainly, speaking from my side of the fence as a male, you have to kind of guess a fair bit.

By the way, to the very best of my knowledge, there was no violence in the relationship. It was just a feeling kind of an attitude. But one of the difficulties, if I may say, is certainly, speaking from my side of the fence as a male, you have to kind of guess a fair bit.

Yeah, Yeah, Look, I think that the behavior patterns that we get into in our relationships, and not just intimate partner ones, but you know, in our friendship group, in our family settings, even in work environments, sometimes we do fall into certain behavior loops. And sometimes some people have, you know, essentially just been going through their lives with an avoidance when it comes to dealing with the hard stuff, my power. It feels they don't want to lean into it. Perhaps they've had a couple of experiences with conflicts that have been really problematic, and so they're a little bit burned, so to speak, right, so they run that pattern of not wanting to speak up, not wanting to be clear about what they want or need, and then kind of just feeling a little bit early or a little bit of kilter most of the time. Hence the I feel like I need to guess or imagine what someone might be thinking, wanting or needing from me here.

Yeah, Yeah, Look, I think that the behavior patterns that we get into in our relationships, and not just intimate partner ones, but you know, in our friendship group, in our family settings, even in work environments, sometimes we do fall into certain behavior loops. And sometimes some people have, you know, essentially just been going through their lives with an avoidance when it comes to dealing with the hard stuff, my power. It feels they don't want to lean into it. Perhaps they've had a couple of experiences with conflicts that have been really problematic, and so they're a little bit burned, so to speak, right, so they run that pattern of not wanting to speak up, not wanting to be clear about what they want or need, and then kind of just feeling a little bit early or a little bit of kilter most of the time. Hence the I feel like I need to guess or imagine what someone might be thinking, wanting or needing from me here.

Despite everything in this day and age, in the attitude we've been taking in this conversation, some people do actually manage to stay together for life, don't they?

Despite everything in this day and age, in the attitude we've been taking in this conversation, some people do actually manage to stay together for life, don't they?

Yeah? Absolutely, I mean to share with you, Mike, literally Tomorrow, I will be celebrating my twentieth wedding anniversary with my husband.

Yeah? Absolutely, I mean to share with you, Mike, literally Tomorrow, I will be celebrating my twentieth wedding anniversary with my husband.

Well, great, congratulations, thank you very much.

Well, great, congratulations, thank you very much.

In the early forties, I think that's quite the coup, right. So, I mean, there are absolutely ways that you can choose to invest in yourself, choose to invest in your partner, in your relationship to do the work, so to speak. But it does, yes, and there's a commitment that needs to happen there to be able to make it work.

In the early forties, I think that's quite the coup, right. So, I mean, there are absolutely ways that you can choose to invest in yourself, choose to invest in your partner, in your relationship to do the work, so to speak. But it does, yes, and there's a commitment that needs to happen there to be able to make it work.

Okay, you've got a plan for celebration, It be.

Okay, you've got a plan for celebration, It be.

Probably a bit of a nice long, lazy lunch, but other than that'll be a little bit low key.

Probably a bit of a nice long, lazy lunch, but other than that'll be a little bit low key.

I think this year, okay, strikes a chord with me because over the years, I've disappointed some ladies who've done something special for me on an anniversary, and one said, I put a lot of work into this, and you don't seem to be enjoying it. So what can I do but say, Look, i may appear calm on the surface, but inside I'm a boiling vesuvius of emotion.

I think this year, okay, strikes a chord with me because over the years, I've disappointed some ladies who've done something special for me on an anniversary, and one said, I put a lot of work into this, and you don't seem to be enjoying it. So what can I do but say, Look, i may appear calm on the surface, but inside I'm a boiling vesuvius of emotion.

Look, I think one of the things that we do, and I also encourage a lot of clients to take the opportunity to do this as well is use the anniversary moments as a chance to pause and reflect on what's working, what needs a little bit more work, or what are the things that we just don't really need to keep doing anymore, i e. The things that aren't really all that awesome, and then literally dust off the five or ten year plan and see where are we based on where we thought we would be. So, what have we achieved, what are we working on, and what are we excited about. It's almost like a bit of a strategy session. It takes communication, it does, it does, and also that real depth of connection and honesty to be able to be willing to hear the real feedback from your partner and to be able to share it as well in a format and a framework that you know it's coming from a place of love, connection and wanting to achieve more together.

Look, I think one of the things that we do, and I also encourage a lot of clients to take the opportunity to do this as well is use the anniversary moments as a chance to pause and reflect on what's working, what needs a little bit more work, or what are the things that we just don't really need to keep doing anymore, i e. The things that aren't really all that awesome, and then literally dust off the five or ten year plan and see where are we based on where we thought we would be. So, what have we achieved, what are we working on, and what are we excited about. It's almost like a bit of a strategy session. It takes communication, it does, it does, and also that real depth of connection and honesty to be able to be willing to hear the real feedback from your partner and to be able to share it as well in a format and a framework that you know it's coming from a place of love, connection and wanting to achieve more together.

Well, congratulations, I think that's terrific and thank you for coming on the program.

Well, congratulations, I think that's terrific and thank you for coming on the program.

Absolute pleasure. Sir.

Absolute pleasure. Sir.

Rolin Penhalligan is a strategic psychotherapist.

Rolin Penhalligan is a strategic psychotherapist.