Outspoken the PodcastWhat Constitutes Cheating? What To Do If He Doesn't Reply? And What A Guy's Instagram Says About Him...
Hi, and welcome to Outspoken.
Today, we're joined by special guest Ella Jermaine to talk all things relationships and dating, from what constitutes cheating, what to do if he doesn't reply, and what a guy's Instagram really says about him. So, Ella, thank you for joining us for this very impromptued dating.
Advice we go.
So last week we answered some of the listener's dating questions and then it got us thinking we kind of didn't want to answer questions, but we kind of wanted to talk more about topics in general that might help people out.
So sure, I don't know, because we all know everything.
Yeah, because you know we're sitting here on our high horses here.
Well, the first topic is.
All about micro cheating or what actually constitutes cheating. So I heard another podcast and they were talking about micro cheating as basically, you know, say you were going out with someone, but you might be liking your ex's photos or you might reply to their text.
What is this?
How people think that watching porn is cheating? Is this kind of what you're yeah, or as in, what do you what would you guys classify as cheating? And maybe the you know, would you classify like would you classify liking an ex's photo, it was kind of cheating.
I think it's there's so many factors that you have to consider. I think it depends what relationship you have with your ex. If it's like a fresh one a week ago, you shouldn't probably be in a relationship anyway with someone else. But I think it's all about Yeah, I think it's the relationship that you have with that ex. If it's a friend and they're off married and they're just like one of my exes just had a baby recently. Oh well, like just photo said, oh, congrat I thought it was super cute. I have no emotional feelings towards him in that way, but I was happy for him and that was I think that was fine for me. I don't have a boy for it at the moment, but I'm sure if I did, I feel like that would be a reasonable thing. But I think it just depends if you've got an intent as well, just to wish someone well, that's right, but if there's an intent to try and maybe see if they're still interested. I know boys do it to girls as well, have girlfriends, just to sort of see if they're still you know, might give something back. I think one of you guys said that in one of your recent ones about you know, an old X came up at two in the morning.
Yea.
You just sort of wonder what the intent is behind that. So I think if there's no foul intent and it's just wishing someone well and happy for them, then that's fine. But you also have to have that trust with your partner as well. And if they do call you out on it and see that you've liked to photo, I don't. I've never done that before. I didn't even know you could see what someone else likes, so I didn't even know that was a thing.
But I've thought she taking that away now.
It's so very disappointed about that she likes to stork. We actually had a question we didn't get to answer last week from a listener who said, who do you guys think should pay on a first date?
I always like to offer and or like go half, but if the guy's like, no, insist, I'm like, oh sure, but like yeah, I don't know. I think it's like you gotta yeah. I think sometimes girls like the guys should pay for everything, But then everyone wants equal women's rights. I'm like, have it both ways, Like you know, you gotta if you're gonna if you want everyone to be equal, then you gotta be the same. But I think it's like, but some guys really like to spoil girls as well and like to offer if someone Always my mum always said if someone like gives you a gift or something, you should take it gracefully and say thank you. So it's like the same thing paying for dinner as well. But yeah, I usually try and offer if they buy dinner, I might buy ice cream after, or you know, like just even enough. So because I don't, I don't you never want to be like the sponge bun. I don't know. I don't want to ever think people come spongy.
And I'll say some people get offended if they say no, no, and if you're there like trying to throw your card over. I think some guys take that offense. It looks like you're not interested in them. It can look like you're saying, well, this isn't really a date, this is just a friendship thing.
But in saying that as well, also not just because someone pays for something. I know some girls that have been had these amazing dinners and being spoiled with gifts and things, and then they feel like they're expected to do other things in return, which also is another thing. Just because someone pays for you doesn't mean that you need to return favors in other ways to say thank you if you want to go for it, and that's always a great way to I'm not going to say a cheap way to like say thanks for dinner. But I don't know, No, I've never done that, No, but I'm just yeah, like I think it's you don't. You don't owe anyone anything. If they're giving you a gift, they shouldn't expect anything in return. That's the same with you if you give someone something. Sometimes, like I said before, with intent, girls will be like give all this things and expecting something back, and when they don't get it, they get pissed off. But it's like, if you're giving a gift, you should do it just generally because you want to make them happy. And yeah, exactly talking about dating.
For people out there who might be dating at the moment and a guy hasn't text them back, what do you guys think, Like, Ella, what do you think the goal is? Do you think that they should text them again? Like, do you have a text double text or is it just like letting go It's not.
It's a tough one because I think it totally. Yeah, it just depends, like I think if you if you generally I'm wondering how they're bit and you just want to check in on the day. I think there's nothing wrong with it. Oh, hate when I see my friends sitting home like, oh I haven't heard back from I'm like, just call him and see if he's like, what's up? And if he doesn't reply, then usually it's sort of like two strikes, you're out, or maybe just two strikes and let it cool for a bit. And if you don't hear from it's probably not meant to be or they're probably not as keen as you think. And like I said, there's lots of lovely people out there that will give you time a day. But yeah, I think just not going too crazy with it either. And just I think when I was younger, I used to be like, oh, they you know my first boyfriend, if we left it a few hours, I'd get all, you know, what's he doing? But like I think as you get older, you realize, yeah, like people so busy or someone might be driving, or they might just have a busy day at work, or and sometimes it's nice not always texting back and forth because then you can leave it until you catch up, so and you have more things to talk about.
So the worst thing.
Is I feel like it makes you like people more when they're a little bit aloof.
So, yeah, my mom's always like, be mean to che even keen, like keeping keen, and I'm just like, but yeah, I find it hard to be mean in tell, I don't really like playing the game, as they say. But yeah, I think if you're keen, you're keen. If you're not, you're not.
But I think it's hard too because there's so many different platforms that you can be rejected on, Like I know that's in that movie like.
That Into You.
I remember back in the day, if someone hadn't replied to my text, they didn't see them on Instagram the little green button was on, or they're on Facebook, it would be even more offensive because they obviously got their phone in their hand.
Yeah, I think the thing with ghosting and stuff, I think there's a level of respect as well. And if you've had a genuine relationship or connection with someone and then they just ghost you. I think that just shows more about them than about you. I think it's quite disrespectful sometimes to completely cut someone out, especially if you've had a good relationship and things like that. But everyone has their reasons. But I always think for me, I like to leave things like this sounds so grim, but I'm always like, if someone was in a car accident or something happened, how would you want your last words to be with them? How would you want to feel that you left things with them?
What about we're talking about dating?
Have you like, will you guys go and sort of say you've been set up on a blind date or if you've met on a dating app or whatever? How far in will you guys actually.
Stalk that person online?
Oh?
Will you get will you guys have a stalk?
What's this?
If you got set up on a date?
Yeah?
Like or even if you've just met someone on a first date, do you go and have a cheeky Facebook and instagrams?
If you like them or not?
I've never maybe a little bit, but not you don't want to go into but like if it was, I'm not like about animal cruelty or anything like that. So I think if they maybe holding up a dead kangaroo that they're culed or something I might be a bit like, or if they were putting up racial bits and pieces, maybe that that would be good. Maybe it'd be good to know prior. But if you're going to have any conflict.
I was gonna say, well, being in a band, I feel like a lot of guys would probably stalk you out And do.
You have you ever had that?
Yeah, oh well there's I think that sometimes the issue with the band thing is, like we were saying before social media, it can look really cool you're doing, but only put out best pictures or the best things that we go and do, like shows and things. But that's like literally ten percent of my life most of the time. So for me, it's more finding people that want to get to know me, for me and a supportive of me, whether I'm doing music or doing something else. But yeah, you did get a few slides in the DMS. I haven't had anything too creepy over the years. Maybe if you want bits and pieces and pictures that I'm like. To be honest, I would never probably date someone from social media straight up. I'd probably I like to meet people in person first, But you never know, Sorr.
If you you would have to have stalked out people that you're about to date.
Yes, I'm a big stalker.
The tip I would give any boys who are listening is remove any photos of yourself at school, because I.
Feel like all boys have like very few photos of.
The old haircuts with the sweep to the side.
If you're an older gal dating a younger guy, is that what you make solf? Well, I remember when I first looked a friend's page and I was flicking back and it got a bit too young, you know what I mean, when it gets too.
Young and you're kind of like, holy fuck, isn't that big?
So yeah, I think.
But also boys don't seem to put up as many glamorous photos as girls, so I feel like you've got to be particular with what you've got up there. Yeah, for gout, there's nothing more unattractive though, when a guy just posts too much about themselves. On the other hand, as well, like you know when you look at some guys accounts and they're just all photos of them with their tops off or very I don't know, very vain.
I've had two guys I saw over the last couple of years didn't have Instagram or any social media. It was kind of good because you just enjoy the moment and it's not about getting that perfect picture or getting that And I'm always very private anyway with if I'm ever dating or anything not that. It's very uncommon carrots, So it's no one's business, is it.
Sometimes when people go on and on about the particular person in their life, sometimes I feel like maybe their relationship isn't going that well. But there can be that fine line between sharing a little bit and sharing too much.
Yeah, Like for me personally, yeah, I just yeah, haven't, but like, but I know you guys do. So it's to colors and I think it's cute.
On a different topic, what do you guys think about girls making the first move, as in either asking a guy out, leaning in for that kiss, or whatever.
Yeah, I'm pretty confident if you're a good flatter, I think you can gauge whether that's gonna happen or not. And some guys are really shy as well, so I think you've got to also give them the signals too. So I think guys are just as shy to come up to a group of girls. Some girls will be out and they're like, oh, no one's approaching us. And you know, but it must be so intimidating coming up to a group of girls like that, fear of rejection, and girls can be quite sassy. And I definitely know if you're my friends, you know, make them work hard, but it must be so scary, and especially if some really nice guys as well. So if you sort of give them a little bit of a give them a little bit of a hint that maybe you might be interested, whether it's like a smile or just maybe crack a joke or if you like, oh like your share. I don't do that. Oh, I don't know. Maybe I've done it. Yeah, I've probably done it before. I'm just I just like rabiting on and sometimes probably I flirt without realizing it and then I get myself into trouble a bit later. But that's all right.
But that's a good thing because it's not like you're like, hey, I want to go out. It's like you're just you're just creating conversation. But I feel and they feel comfortable, yeah, and I feel like there's nothing that.
I think.
There's nothing wrong though with a girl asking a guy to do something I mean, I think back to our mum and dad. Our mum actually asked our dad out on their first date.
So you know, you never know what's going to happen from it.
And if you like what you see, or if you've got a good vibe with someone or you had a nice connection, life's too short to sit around and wait for them to message you. And if you think they're cool, then just flick them a message or just say hey, it was really nice meeting. You can watch you up to and if the conversation flows and maybe you see each other again, or you just find like those little common places that you might see each other again, but just not in a Stockrish way, like don't be too crazy.
But yeah, guys can be pretty piss week, you know what I mean, And they might think that you're either out of their league or they don't you know, they don't have that confidence to ask you something. So it is good to let people I know that you are interested. Yeah, I think Ozzie guys are pissed week. Because you know you've been in the UK. Do you find men are different over there?
It is a lot different there's but I think there's a lot of chivalry over in the UK Europe. There's a lot of that in that culture, and I think there's a lot more confidence as well. And yeah, they certainly know how to say the right things, but I think it's ausy girls. You're so installed like when a guy gives you a compliment that what do you want? Like you know what I mean? Like you don't just think they're being nice. So I've learned to sort of change my perception of that with people when they give you compliments. But yeah, like it's it's all a bit different. I think you're true.
Well, another question that's popped up is how do you impress your partner's parents and do you have any funny experiences with trying to impress them or meeting them.
I think it's always just good to give, maybe like when the first time, maybe bringing some biscuits or like flowers for the mom or I had a overseas fella for a while, so bringing some Australian goods was always went down to hoot and he'd bring back some stuff from his country for me.
So that's a good one.
Yeah, And also maybe asking a few questions before you go in what the parents are interested in. I think asking them questions. It's not all about you don't want to go in like you're trying to impress them, but also being really interested about maybe their work, whether they're like an engineer or whether they're a nurse or whatever they do. So you kind of got some common ground to get some conversations throw. And you guys would probably be good at it, and I'm not too bad at it just because of our journalism background, probably you're used to getting those conversations going. But for girls out there listening that maybe aren't so confident always doing that little bit of research. Just pretend it's like.
A little ask a lot of questions.
Well yeah, lots of questions.
But yeah, you say that we'd be good at it.
But my first ever boyfriend, apparently his dad's first impression of me was that I like shiny.
Things, shiny things, so apparently I managed.
He was actually a judge, so I felt very nervous meaning him.
So I don't know.
I think he saw the blonde hair and just my clothing and assume that I was something that I wasn't, and then later.
I managed to win him over.
Oh I know, yeah, it is hard to make it.
I feel like it's hard sometimes with the dads.
I don't know, because I feel like with the mums you've got something in common, but it's always good to think of something with the duds. It depends like if it's sometimes it's kind of I don't know. Sometimes I feel like it's easier to suck up to old men. I know that sounds really weird, but I don't know.
You can just pund yeah.
I feel like it is just finding that common ground. I know when I met Dave was one she wasn't very impressed with Dale because he was moving to Sydney and she's like, why is he dating this girl from Adelaide? But we bonded over our love of cats. I feel like, once you find yeah, just go for it.
And forgoing at the end of the yeah, and always be yourself as well, And I think, yeah, definitely, yeah, yeah. I haven't had to do this for a while though, so I don't know if I out of the game.
It's just good prep for your next boyfriend.
Yeah. Yeah.
I feel like if you go out and you're looking for a boyfriend as well, you're never going to find someone. What's that thing on sex and the City, because it's only when they're like their cavlights on. Yeah, And I feel that's so true as in when you start getting in your late twenties or your early thirties, Yeah, I feel like you meet men who are actually looking for a partner. When everyone was in the early twenties, I feel like boys were just such a dickhead. They just wanted to just you know, you guys, most guys, most you know what I mean, They just wanted to mess around with heaps of girls. But then it's funny now because with my younger cousins now, when I see that they're in their early twenties, I'm like.
They should be going out having fun.
But then when you're in a relation, you're in life. I always think that, like feeling Madison, like still young as long as you can.
But it's so funny with you, like I see I see them now and they're like the same age as people I used to go out with, and I'm like, fuck, why was I expecting something so serious from someone who was, you know, in the early twenties.
Yeah, which is all like a learning thing. Yeah, Like if it works out for people in their early twenties, and that's awesome, and you know, some people don't meet the love of their life until they're in their fifties, and that's totally fine as well. So I think, like being caught in something that you're not happy in or you know, it's better. I always say like to my friends as well, just you know, when they're not sure or if they've been in relationships in the past where they're like, I don't know if they're my soulmate, but I don't know, I'm scared I'm not going to find anyone else, And I'm like, well, just think of yourself in five years, like would you what would they be telling you to do now? Because the worst thing is getting into a situation which is unfair on both parties that you're going to be in this you know, whether it's financial or like housing or kids and things like that. If you weren't really invested five years ago, you know, you might be stopping them from meeting someone awesome and stopping yourself. So it's better to sort of nip things in the bard when you start getting those fiels, but also not completely ditching it before you know giving it a shot. Working out obviously just depends on the circumstances.
I feel like, that's such a good point because I've heard of so many people these days just having the pressure to be in a relationship and just and settling like that would be my worst nightmare, because I feel like on the outside sometimes you can look in at people's relationships and be like, oh wow, they look so good, but you never really know what's bubbling away under the surface. And I just think nobody should settle. But as you said, I feel like it's really good advice to just give people a go though that you might not think you like, because so many relationships start off like that as well, but it's not necessarily settling, like you still have to have that feeling.
Of yeah, you can like that little spark as well. I always I've said as well, it's kind of like, you know, when you have those two waging what are they called, when you've got like weights, like, oh, like a pendulum kind of yeah, is that right? Yeah, it's like a good there's a good Like so you've got two buckets. There's a good bucket and a bad bucket, and it's all right, both of them are filled with good stuff and bad stuff. But when the bad bucket starts getting filled up with more things and then it's too heavy to carry. Then you know that's not you know, probably not right.
I think we'll probably do our last question.
So we've got to go.
I've got a life to leave. I just paid it a pea. I don't really I might go to the gym and run or something. Yeah, but it's been fun. I could talk to you guys, I know, I feel like this could.
Go for hours, but you might have to be oh gosh, I don't know.
You might not have me back after your rating.
On Kate out and bring you and the just pretend you're all.
Three sisters, three sisters.
The last questions I thought might be helpful to some of the listeners if they're young, is what are some ways that girls can tell that boys actually like them?
If your conversation is important, like obviously the conversation it can be good starting off on the computer, on your phone or whatever, but also making sure you have that compatibility when you're in person, face to face, and that you can you know, like it just depends. But there's no rush at or anyone listening out there, like you've got plenty of time to worry about boyfriends and girlfriends. But yeah, there is someone that you're keen on and even just having a chat but keeping it catch you don't want to come into strong but I think just you know, you can just say, oh, like, yeah, you're fun to hang out with, and then just see the vibes. I don't know this is so, I'm so I don't know if.
This is so. That is I was going to say, that's a really good point though about the talking online, because I feel like even more so people do either you know, dropping or whatever what is it called, like slip into the deeps, got into the dms or whatever. But yeah, sometimes you can have a really good conversation with someone over messenger and then you meet up Oh.
My god, is this the same person?
Yeah.
But that being said, going back to like how to tell if they like you, I think if you're already having doubts and you're already having that kind of gut feeling that perhaps they're not interested, I think you've maybe sometimes got to listen to that, because I feel like if someone is interested in you, they'll make it obvious, they'll get back to your messages promptly.
They won't kind of I don't know.
I feel like, yeah, I feel like that gut feeling.
Yeah, I don't know.
I've been in situations where people haven't replied or played games. And then boys, Yeah, and when you get into a relationship where you feel comfortable and it's a good relationship, you realize that, Okay, those guys perhaps just weren't that keen on me, or we're looking for something that I wasn't looking for.
So yeah, and I think girls have such good intuition boys as well, probably as well. I'm not sure it's like to be a fellow, but yeah, like I know, you know, you're always trust your gut, I think, and at the end of the day, sometimes we can overthink things, but I think trust your gut. But yeah, also take a chance. That's probably my best advice for anyone out there that's keen. But obviously there's no rush to meet anyone. But if you do meet someone that you get along with and you're looking for maybe a partner or just a good relationship, yeah, give him a go. And if even if it's someone that you might not share common ground with, Like in the past, I've sometimes always dated creative people, but then sometimes you meet someone else that might offer something else that you never even knew you expected, so I think that's really cool as well. So just giving people a chance and yeah, but also respecting yourself enough to know when to leave, and also leave with dignity and treat them with respect as well. So no one's feelings are hurt.
But such a good point though, because I feel like you do have to be happy within yourself. You can't just want someone to fix all of your problems.
That's so true.
Oh yeah, I was gonna say now, I hope one of Kate's colleagues he's got a big crush on Elbert's this because he might be able to take some He might be taking some notes down and I won't name names, but if you're listening, just take note.
No no, oh god, I to slide into Ellen's I'm just joke. He doesn't know.
Well, thank you so well to care.
Think it's been so much fun.
It's very valuable advice. I feel like we have to have you on the show again. I'm happy to come down.
Yeah, I've enjoyed this sugar free marshmallows, the chocolate, and I alsoy I cracked into the chocol that you gave me to so working hard at the gym past.
Thanks again, thank you, thank you so much for listening.
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