Hey everyone, It's Jay Sheddy and I'm thrilled to announce my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can experience on purpose in person. Join me in a city near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with surprise guests. It could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, or a CEO or business leader. We'll dive into experiences designed to experience growth, spark learning, and build real connections. I can't wait to meet you. There are a limited number of VIP experiences for a private Q and a intimate meditation and a meet and greet with photos. Tickets are on sale now. Head to Jsheddy, dop me Forward slash Tour and get yours today. How do you let someone know that they should make a move without giving any And that's the Van Edwards best selling author and Researcheressmon Edwards.

Hey everyone, It's Jay Sheddy and I'm thrilled to announce my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can experience on purpose in person. Join me in a city near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with surprise guests. It could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, or a CEO or business leader. We'll dive into experiences designed to experience growth, spark learning, and build real connections. I can't wait to meet you. There are a limited number of VIP experiences for a private Q and a intimate meditation and a meet and greet with photos. Tickets are on sale now. Head to Jsheddy, dop me Forward slash Tour and get yours today. How do you let someone know that they should make a move without giving any And that's the Van Edwards best selling author and Researcheressmon Edwards.

We decide how confident someone is within the first two hundred milliseconds of hearing the speak. The best way to show availability is one word and it sounds like this.

We decide how confident someone is within the first two hundred milliseconds of hearing the speak. The best way to show availability is one word and it sounds like this.

Tell me why compliments don't work? How do we tell the difference between charisma and narcissism?

Tell me why compliments don't work? How do we tell the difference between charisma and narcissism?

The way you see the world changes the world.

The way you see the world changes the world.

What are the negative cues we miss because we're infatuated or attractive as hell?

What are the negative cues we miss because we're infatuated or attractive as hell?

If you want to be treated with more respect, you have to make sure It's.

If you want to be treated with more respect, you have to make sure It's.

The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Sheety Jay Shettyly shet Hey everyone, Welcome back to on Purpose, the place you come to become happier, healthier, and more healed. You know that one of my biggest focuses and services is introducing you to experts who are obsessed and addicted to their field. People who are powerhouses, who deeply and intimately understand human behavior so they can help you improve yours and spots sign of the people around you. Today's guest is going to do just that. I want to welcome to on Purpose for the first time ever, but not the last time. Vanessa van Edwards a multi time best selling author, renowned behavioral researcher on professional communication and leadership. More than fifty million people have seen Vanessa's talks on YouTube and how viral ted talk as well. Vanessa's work has been featured in national and international media including Entrepreneur Magazine, CNN, CBS, and many more. Vanessa's latest book, Cues Mastered The Secret Language of Charismatic Communication was an instant bestseller and I highly recommend it. Please welcome to On Purpose, Vanessa van Edwards. Vanessa, it's so great to have you here. I'm looking forward to this, Yes, waiting for this moment. Me too. And from the moment you walked in, I was like, this person is so charismatic, magnetic, says great energy and I want to start off, Vanessa, just to dive straight in.

The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Sheety Jay Shettyly shet Hey everyone, Welcome back to on Purpose, the place you come to become happier, healthier, and more healed. You know that one of my biggest focuses and services is introducing you to experts who are obsessed and addicted to their field. People who are powerhouses, who deeply and intimately understand human behavior so they can help you improve yours and spots sign of the people around you. Today's guest is going to do just that. I want to welcome to on Purpose for the first time ever, but not the last time. Vanessa van Edwards a multi time best selling author, renowned behavioral researcher on professional communication and leadership. More than fifty million people have seen Vanessa's talks on YouTube and how viral ted talk as well. Vanessa's work has been featured in national and international media including Entrepreneur Magazine, CNN, CBS, and many more. Vanessa's latest book, Cues Mastered The Secret Language of Charismatic Communication was an instant bestseller and I highly recommend it. Please welcome to On Purpose, Vanessa van Edwards. Vanessa, it's so great to have you here. I'm looking forward to this, Yes, waiting for this moment. Me too. And from the moment you walked in, I was like, this person is so charismatic, magnetic, says great energy and I want to start off, Vanessa, just to dive straight in.

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

If someone was not only to listen, but to apply the insights you're about to share today, what would they overcome.

If someone was not only to listen, but to apply the insights you're about to share today, what would they overcome.

I'm a recovering awkward person and I have found that through this work, and that is my mission today with you, that you can overcome awkwardness, doubt, and most importantly, the feeling of being underestimated.

I'm a recovering awkward person and I have found that through this work, and that is my mission today with you, that you can overcome awkwardness, doubt, and most importantly, the feeling of being underestimated.

I think that that's really.

I think that that's really.

What I'm trying to get at with my work is if you feel that you have a lot of potential, or you have this desire to connect, but you don't know how, and people are underestimating your charisma, your ideas, your smarts, who you are. My goal is to make it so you no longer feel underestimated.

What I'm trying to get at with my work is if you feel that you have a lot of potential, or you have this desire to connect, but you don't know how, and people are underestimating your charisma, your ideas, your smarts, who you are. My goal is to make it so you no longer feel underestimated.

Oh I love that that's so strong.

Oh I love that that's so strong.

Those are my people.

Those are my people.

That's so strong, and I resonate with it so strongly because I'm sure, just like you, I meet so many people who feel they have the next big idea, who feel that they have something to share, something to give, something to teach, some to pass on, but they don't feel confident. They're lacking that feeling of courage. They're lacking that feeling of I don't know how to present my idea. I don't know how to share it. And this is what we're going to do today.

That's so strong, and I resonate with it so strongly because I'm sure, just like you, I meet so many people who feel they have the next big idea, who feel that they have something to share, something to give, something to teach, some to pass on, but they don't feel confident. They're lacking that feeling of courage. They're lacking that feeling of I don't know how to present my idea. I don't know how to share it. And this is what we're going to do today.

And the problem is like I also had these ideas, but I not only didn't have confidence, I felt out of control. I think this is an aspect of communication we don't talk about enough. I think the side door into confidence because we all say I wish I felt more confident, But the side door is thinking, Okay, I have an idea, what's the blueprint that I need from conversations, from charisma to be able to get where I want? How can I take control of my connections, my relationship, my communication, so I know if I want to show up as friendly or as likable or as competent, I know exactly what to do with my body, my voice, my words to show.

And the problem is like I also had these ideas, but I not only didn't have confidence, I felt out of control. I think this is an aspect of communication we don't talk about enough. I think the side door into confidence because we all say I wish I felt more confident, But the side door is thinking, Okay, I have an idea, what's the blueprint that I need from conversations, from charisma to be able to get where I want? How can I take control of my connections, my relationship, my communication, so I know if I want to show up as friendly or as likable or as competent, I know exactly what to do with my body, my voice, my words to show.

Up in that way.

Up in that way.

So for me, the only way I was able to overcome awkwardness was taking control of the signals I'm sending and being able to take control of the kinds of relationships and conversations I had.

So for me, the only way I was able to overcome awkwardness was taking control of the signals I'm sending and being able to take control of the kinds of relationships and conversations I had.

What I really appreciate about what you're saying. You just named three things you said. If I want to come across as friendly, likable, and competent. What's really fascinating is I think most of us don't even know we want to come across that way.

What I really appreciate about what you're saying. You just named three things you said. If I want to come across as friendly, likable, and competent. What's really fascinating is I think most of us don't even know we want to come across that way.

This is true. The step one of control is how do you want people to see you? And here's what's really important. The cues that you send to others make people think about you a certain way. But the cues you send to others also change how others treat you. So if you want to be treated with more respect, you have to make sure it starts with you that you're sending the cues needed to show others how they should treat you with respect. If you want to be treated with friendliness or warmth or vulnerability, how do you signal to others? I want you to be open and raw and real with me. We can take control of those signals to tell others here's how I want to be treated. And so step one is how do you want people to see you? It's a ill game, okay.

This is true. The step one of control is how do you want people to see you? And here's what's really important. The cues that you send to others make people think about you a certain way. But the cues you send to others also change how others treat you. So if you want to be treated with more respect, you have to make sure it starts with you that you're sending the cues needed to show others how they should treat you with respect. If you want to be treated with friendliness or warmth or vulnerability, how do you signal to others? I want you to be open and raw and real with me. We can take control of those signals to tell others here's how I want to be treated. And so step one is how do you want people to see you? It's a ill game, okay.

So in your mind, when people first meet you, what word do you think they think? Like, what's a word they use to describe you?

So in your mind, when people first meet you, what word do you think they think? Like, what's a word they use to describe you?

Ooh, that's so good.

Ooh, that's so good.

What do you think it is?

What do you think it is?

I would hope it is is warm?

I would hope it is is warm?

Warm? Okay.

Warm? Okay.

So I've asked this to thousands of people and the words are you know, all over the place. By the way, a lot of folks have negative words, and that's okay. Like, for example, my word used to be awkward, right, like people would say that I knew you know when you show up. And I'm a social overthinker, so like I would get in my head about things.

So I've asked this to thousands of people and the words are you know, all over the place. By the way, a lot of folks have negative words, and that's okay. Like, for example, my word used to be awkward, right, like people would say that I knew you know when you show up. And I'm a social overthinker, so like I would get in my head about things.

I would overthink things I knew. I could see in their face.

I would overthink things I knew. I could see in their face.

That I was coming across as awkward and I was creating more awkwardness. So my original word for first impression was awkward, and that's what got me into this work. So a lot of the words. I have two kind of groups of people. I have folks like you who are like.

That I was coming across as awkward and I was creating more awkwardness. So my original word for first impression was awkward, and that's what got me into this work. So a lot of the words. I have two kind of groups of people. I have folks like you who are like.

Warm, competent, charismatic, confident. I love it. I love it.

Warm, competent, charismatic, confident. I love it. I love it.

But a lot of folks and if this is you, I'm with you, I'm gonna help. It could be quiet, it could be awkward, it could be scared, nervous. There's a lot of words like that. Okay, so start there. Then the question is what do you want people to think when they first meet you. What's the word that you wish? Maybe even two or three words. How do you want to come across? So would yours ideal be warm? And do you have another one that you wish?

But a lot of folks and if this is you, I'm with you, I'm gonna help. It could be quiet, it could be awkward, it could be scared, nervous. There's a lot of words like that. Okay, so start there. Then the question is what do you want people to think when they first meet you. What's the word that you wish? Maybe even two or three words. How do you want to come across? So would yours ideal be warm? And do you have another one that you wish?

I'd probably add loving.

I'd probably add loving.

Loving, love it.

Loving, love it.

Okay, so think of three words that you wish to convey. Now we have to work backwards. So step two is, okay, how do we convey warmth and competence and loving or confidence? That's where the real magic happens. And there are ninety seven cues. I've identified ninety seven keys, ninety seven cues. The very beginning of my career, I realize that humans were sending these social signals back and forth. You're nodding, your hand, gesture, your feet, your voice, power, and I just missed them all. I have an affliction. I tend to misinterpret neutral faces as negative. I think we all a lot of people tell a lot of people. It's the basis of resting bothered face.

Okay, so think of three words that you wish to convey. Now we have to work backwards. So step two is, okay, how do we convey warmth and competence and loving or confidence? That's where the real magic happens. And there are ninety seven cues. I've identified ninety seven keys, ninety seven cues. The very beginning of my career, I realize that humans were sending these social signals back and forth. You're nodding, your hand, gesture, your feet, your voice, power, and I just missed them all. I have an affliction. I tend to misinterpret neutral faces as negative. I think we all a lot of people tell a lot of people. It's the basis of resting bothered face.

This is the basis.

This is the basis.

There's actually science behind RBF, and it's that most people misidentify neutral expressions as negative. And by the way, interesting thing they found in the research with this was if you are an angrier person, if you to get angry more, you see more neutral faces as angry.

There's actually science behind RBF, and it's that most people misidentify neutral expressions as negative. And by the way, interesting thing they found in the research with this was if you are an angrier person, if you to get angry more, you see more neutral faces as angry.

Ooh or I didn't even think about this.

Ooh or I didn't even think about this.

So in a way, the way you see the world changes the world. Right, Like, if you were an angry person and you're misinterpreting neutral faces as angry and then you reply back with anger or offensiveness or defensiveness, you make them angry.

So in a way, the way you see the world changes the world. Right, Like, if you were an angry person and you're misinterpreting neutral faces as angry and then you reply back with anger or offensiveness or defensiveness, you make them angry.

Absolutely, And so this.

Absolutely, And so this.

Is like this weird c cycle.

Is like this weird c cycle.

Okay, so if there's ninety seven different cues, I started categorizing them because I was like, I don't I'm misinterpreting.

Okay, so if there's ninety seven different cues, I started categorizing them because I was like, I don't I'm misinterpreting.

And I would say to my.

And I would say to my.

Husband, I think she's mad at me, and he'd be like, why I go to a party like everyone's mad at me.

Husband, I think she's mad at me, and he'd be like, why I go to a party like everyone's mad at me.

He'd be like, I didn't see that at all.

He'd be like, I didn't see that at all.

And that's when I started to realize, Okay, what are the actual negative faces? So I discovered, you know, the research on micro expressions, the seven micro expressions, what we can talk about and then I started to categorize these patterns just for me, and then I realized there was all these other awkward people who also wanted to be able to read these social signals.

And that's when I started to realize, Okay, what are the actual negative faces? So I discovered, you know, the research on micro expressions, the seven micro expressions, what we can talk about and then I started to categorize these patterns just for me, and then I realized there was all these other awkward people who also wanted to be able to read these social signals.

And so I think that.

And so I think that.

When you've picked your word, starting to make your recipe of charisma.

When you've picked your word, starting to make your recipe of charisma.

Yeah, and what I love about this is this is all how happening before you get to the date, before you get to the event, before you get to the interview. This is where it has to start. And I think so many of us turn up and naturally, by the way, me included. I think the challenge I have is people may assume that I'm always confident and have it all together. If I don't prepare for an event, I can turn up and feel exactly the same way because I walk in and I'm rushed there and I'm thinking, gosh, what am I going to say? Like why am I here again? And why is that person looking at me with that way? And were they right?

Yeah, and what I love about this is this is all how happening before you get to the date, before you get to the event, before you get to the interview. This is where it has to start. And I think so many of us turn up and naturally, by the way, me included. I think the challenge I have is people may assume that I'm always confident and have it all together. If I don't prepare for an event, I can turn up and feel exactly the same way because I walk in and I'm rushed there and I'm thinking, gosh, what am I going to say? Like why am I here again? And why is that person looking at me with that way? And were they right?

Okay, so this is good.

Okay, so this is good.

Let's add a step to our exercise, which is I'm just thinking about this, now, what's your bad day first impression word?

Let's add a step to our exercise, which is I'm just thinking about this, now, what's your bad day first impression word?

My bad day first impression word would be absent, like I'm.

My bad day first impression word would be absent, like I'm.

Just like muting.

Just like muting.

Yeah, Like, I'm just not quite there. I'm probably looking through someone. I'm probably not listening as well as I usually do because I'm kind of just I'm lost. I'm a bit lost and absent.

Yeah, Like, I'm just not quite there. I'm probably looking through someone. I'm probably not listening as well as I usually do because I'm kind of just I'm lost. I'm a bit lost and absent.

Yeah, Okay, So everyone should think about their first impression word, their current first impression word, and their ideal why. What are the triggers that trigger you to be in that bad space and what are the triggers that make you feel in that good space. So one of the very first steps is Okay, whether you're an introvert, an extrovert, or an ambivert, and there is that sort of in between, who triggers you to be your best self?

Yeah, Okay, So everyone should think about their first impression word, their current first impression word, and their ideal why. What are the triggers that trigger you to be in that bad space and what are the triggers that make you feel in that good space. So one of the very first steps is Okay, whether you're an introvert, an extrovert, or an ambivert, and there is that sort of in between, who triggers you to be your best self?

You know how?

You know how?

Like around certain people, you're like, ah, I'm my funniest I'm my most charismatic. Great, those are the people who bring out the good first impression. You want to be around those people as much as possible. Who are the people who bring out the bad first impression?

Like around certain people, you're like, ah, I'm my funniest I'm my most charismatic. Great, those are the people who bring out the good first impression. You want to be around those people as much as possible. Who are the people who bring out the bad first impression?

Right?

Right?

Like?

Like?

Who are the people who make you feel the way I would describe as like tight inside, Like that's how I would describe it, rigid, Like that's what I do. I get very rigid when I'm afraid or nervous. Who makes you feel angry, Who makes you feel rigid, who makes you feel afraid? Who makes you shut down? You know, awkwardness dresses up in a lot of different ways. Some people, their awkwardness is shutting down, right, They mute, they go quiet, they collapse in on themselves, they take up less.

Who are the people who make you feel the way I would describe as like tight inside, Like that's how I would describe it, rigid, Like that's what I do. I get very rigid when I'm afraid or nervous. Who makes you feel angry, Who makes you feel rigid, who makes you feel afraid? Who makes you shut down? You know, awkwardness dresses up in a lot of different ways. Some people, their awkwardness is shutting down, right, They mute, they go quiet, they collapse in on themselves, they take up less.

Space from body language perspective.

Space from body language perspective.

But other people get bigger, they become dramatic, they name drop, they talk too loud, they overtalk. Like, that's also a way that are awkward to stress up. So what are your triggers that make you do that? The people, but also the places. Yes, right, Like I love a one on one conversation, So I'm I was more excited for this conversation than I would be. Like if you were to say, Vanessa, come over to my house for a happy hour.

But other people get bigger, they become dramatic, they name drop, they talk too loud, they overtalk. Like, that's also a way that are awkward to stress up. So what are your triggers that make you do that? The people, but also the places. Yes, right, Like I love a one on one conversation, So I'm I was more excited for this conversation than I would be. Like if you were to say, Vanessa, come over to my house for a happy hour.

Which never happens in my house because I'm not coming.

Which never happens in my house because I'm not coming.

I can't come, or if I come, I would be like agonizing the whole time, like a rooftop bar, you know, loud night club, just like not my space.

I can't come, or if I come, I would be like agonizing the whole time, like a rooftop bar, you know, loud night club, just like not my space.

Like, I just triggered all the bad stuff in me.

Like, I just triggered all the bad stuff in me.

So I think that like knowing who and what is going to also set you up for success into getting to the better taking control, Right, if you can control the people in the places where you want to show up your best self, that's like step number one.

So I think that like knowing who and what is going to also set you up for success into getting to the better taking control, Right, if you can control the people in the places where you want to show up your best self, that's like step number one.

That's the groundwork.

That's the groundwork.

And I think that that's hard shifting that moving that forward when you have to start going to places where you don't know anyone. Right, And there were two areas I already wanted to focus on with you today. One was looking at the dating landscape, and we'll start there. And the second I want to focus on is work. Yeah, because I feel like those are the two areas where your skills and your habits and your tools thrive in a way that you know people are going to change their lives. We were talking about this idea that let's say you're at a workout class. Let's say you're at a social space. Maybe it is a rooftop bar, maybe it is a club. Yes, you want to signal to someone to make a move. You want to let them know that you find them attractive, that you'd like them to do something. But you want to be subtle. You don't want to give it away. How do you let someone know that they should make a move without giving it away?

And I think that that's hard shifting that moving that forward when you have to start going to places where you don't know anyone. Right, And there were two areas I already wanted to focus on with you today. One was looking at the dating landscape, and we'll start there. And the second I want to focus on is work. Yeah, because I feel like those are the two areas where your skills and your habits and your tools thrive in a way that you know people are going to change their lives. We were talking about this idea that let's say you're at a workout class. Let's say you're at a social space. Maybe it is a rooftop bar, maybe it is a club. Yes, you want to signal to someone to make a move. You want to let them know that you find them attractive, that you'd like them to do something. But you want to be subtle. You don't want to give it away. How do you let someone know that they should make a move without giving it away?

Okay, I'm going to give you news that you're probably not going to like, but it's so important. It's a phenomenon called signal amplification bias. What this is, it's very well studied that we tend to think we are over obvious with our cues. So if you're in a bar, they literally studied singles in a like bar nightclub set, women and men who think they are being obvious with their flirtation cues. The other person has no idea.

Okay, I'm going to give you news that you're probably not going to like, but it's so important. It's a phenomenon called signal amplification bias. What this is, it's very well studied that we tend to think we are over obvious with our cues. So if you're in a bar, they literally studied singles in a like bar nightclub set, women and men who think they are being obvious with their flirtation cues. The other person has no idea.

Okay, that's so good.

Okay, that's so good.

They even counted the number of flirtation signals. This was incredible research. They observed singles mingling, and they counted each person's flirtatious signals towards other people in the room. They found in ten minutes, how many signals do you think it took for a woman to show a man she was interested? How many in ten minutes? How many signals did you have to send when it actually worked? When it actually worked.

They even counted the number of flirtation signals. This was incredible research. They observed singles mingling, and they counted each person's flirtatious signals towards other people in the room. They found in ten minutes, how many signals do you think it took for a woman to show a man she was interested? How many in ten minutes? How many signals did you have to send when it actually worked? When it actually worked.

Now that you've given me some sort of I'm gonna go thirty twenty nine, oh okay, cool.

Now that you've given me some sort of I'm gonna go thirty twenty nine, oh okay, cool.

That's it. But do you know how many signals that is.

That's it. But do you know how many signals that is.

Innut A lot of signals that is that is pretty constant. And if you didn't tell me, I probably would have guessed three, right, it was only because you gave me a sense that there was more. I probably would have said three seven.

Innut A lot of signals that is that is pretty constant. And if you didn't tell me, I probably would have guessed three, right, it was only because you gave me a sense that there was more. I probably would have said three seven.

That is what women think is it was needed. I sent three flirty glances and he just didn't come over. He's not interested, No, he didn't see him, or he doubted himself, or he was like, was that a trick of my eye? It took twenty nine signals in ten minutes to get approached. So the other person went, oh, she's interested, just interested. That was before the even the conversation started. So what are the flirty glances of availability? And this is what's most important is in the same group of studies, they found that attractive women, the most attractive women, who are rated on their attractiveness got approached less than unattractive women who.

That is what women think is it was needed. I sent three flirty glances and he just didn't come over. He's not interested, No, he didn't see him, or he doubted himself, or he was like, was that a trick of my eye? It took twenty nine signals in ten minutes to get approached. So the other person went, oh, she's interested, just interested. That was before the even the conversation started. So what are the flirty glances of availability? And this is what's most important is in the same group of studies, they found that attractive women, the most attractive women, who are rated on their attractiveness got approached less than unattractive women who.

Didn't signal enough.

Didn't signal enough.

Fascinating.

Fascinating.

So if you're an attractive woman and you don't signal enough, you won't be approached.

So if you're an attractive woman and you don't signal enough, you won't be approached.

Do you have to approach more? Based on how objectively attractive you are?

Do you have to approach more? Based on how objectively attractive you are?

You have to be available more. So what they found and this is so it's ridiculous that we're rating on attractiveness, but it helps us understand that something that I think we use attractiveness as an excuse I'm not pretty enough or I'm not this enough. No, Actually, some unattractive women whose signal availability God approached more wow. And so availability actually makes you more attractive. When you think about your hair, your outfit, how you look, how you you smell, all those things are great, but they will not work if you do not know the body language signals of availability, and you have to be super clear with them. So the very first one are flirty glances are yeah, I'm gonna demo it for you. Okay, So flirty glances are typically they little gaze patterns.

You have to be available more. So what they found and this is so it's ridiculous that we're rating on attractiveness, but it helps us understand that something that I think we use attractiveness as an excuse I'm not pretty enough or I'm not this enough. No, Actually, some unattractive women whose signal availability God approached more wow. And so availability actually makes you more attractive. When you think about your hair, your outfit, how you look, how you you smell, all those things are great, but they will not work if you do not know the body language signals of availability, and you have to be super clear with them. So the very first one are flirty glances are yeah, I'm gonna demo it for you. Okay, So flirty glances are typically they little gaze patterns.

Is we sweep the room with our eyes, then we see someone we like.

Is we sweep the room with our eyes, then we see someone we like.

We oh yeah, nice little side glands.

We oh yeah, nice little side glands.

Yeah, like very brief.

Yeah, like very brief.

It's a look.

It's a look.

It's a look back but then look back. Yeah, and it's a side look or a down and up look. The down and up look works really well because you're looking up through your lashes.

It's a look back but then look back. Yeah, and it's a side look or a down and up look. The down and up look works really well because you're looking up through your lashes.

That's a very I think Marilyn Monroe.

That's a very I think Marilyn Monroe.

So if you want to look at the classic example of this every good photo of Marilyn Monroe, she has her chin tilted down and she's looking up through her eyes. That is a look that we just like we just like it, that's why we like it. So it's glancing around the room and then eye contact away, eye contact away, then it's little smiles.

So if you want to look at the classic example of this every good photo of Marilyn Monroe, she has her chin tilted down and she's looking up through her eyes. That is a look that we just like we just like it, that's why we like it. So it's glancing around the room and then eye contact away, eye contact away, then it's little smiles.

So look and little smile.

So look and little smile.

And by the way, remember it took twenty nine of these, so we got to get really comfortable with trying.

And by the way, remember it took twenty nine of these, so we got to get really comfortable with trying.

And the nice thing is there's no pressure.

And the nice thing is there's no pressure.

If he doesn't return the glance, he doesn't reorthin the glans right, So eye contact smiles. Self touch is also considered a flirty glance. So like if I play with my hair or I play with my dress, that's a way of signaling our hair health. From from a evolutionary perspective, it's like, look, how healthy I am my healthy long hair. I think it's one of the reasons why we tend to like long hair. We'll also when they're flirting, they'll touch their neck, their lips, or their chin. This actually releases pheromones. So the reason why some women will touch their neck or touch their lips is because they're actually trying to release their scent. And scent is very very important. It's important in dating, but it's also important in friendships. For example, it's a little bit off the side of dating but I just want to explain why smell is so important. I just read this study and I was like, what. They had women wear white T shirts with no deodorant, no nothing, so just their natural smell for twenty four hours. They took these T shirts and they had other women smell these T shirts and rate the women on if they liked the smell. Okay, imagine your opening as the thought bag and You're smelling study. I would have loved it. Okay, I would have loved it. Sign me up for the researchers. I'm there. So they had them smell the T shirts and they had them rate them on how much they liked the smell. Then they had all the women interact in person. They didn't know who's who the smell they liked the best predicted who they liked the best in person, so they actually found their people. There is something to it. So when you're self touching like that, it's because we're trying to release this natural smell of like I'm going to probably click with you. That's why if you smell good and good is subjective, like That's why I think why sometimes you're like, oh, we're just clicking.

If he doesn't return the glance, he doesn't reorthin the glans right, So eye contact smiles. Self touch is also considered a flirty glance. So like if I play with my hair or I play with my dress, that's a way of signaling our hair health. From from a evolutionary perspective, it's like, look, how healthy I am my healthy long hair. I think it's one of the reasons why we tend to like long hair. We'll also when they're flirting, they'll touch their neck, their lips, or their chin. This actually releases pheromones. So the reason why some women will touch their neck or touch their lips is because they're actually trying to release their scent. And scent is very very important. It's important in dating, but it's also important in friendships. For example, it's a little bit off the side of dating but I just want to explain why smell is so important. I just read this study and I was like, what. They had women wear white T shirts with no deodorant, no nothing, so just their natural smell for twenty four hours. They took these T shirts and they had other women smell these T shirts and rate the women on if they liked the smell. Okay, imagine your opening as the thought bag and You're smelling study. I would have loved it. Okay, I would have loved it. Sign me up for the researchers. I'm there. So they had them smell the T shirts and they had them rate them on how much they liked the smell. Then they had all the women interact in person. They didn't know who's who the smell they liked the best predicted who they liked the best in person, so they actually found their people. There is something to it. So when you're self touching like that, it's because we're trying to release this natural smell of like I'm going to probably click with you. That's why if you smell good and good is subjective, like That's why I think why sometimes you're like, oh, we're just clicking.

We like each other's smell.

We like each other's smell.

So so being available also like releasing pheromone self touch. And then this one is not from the research, but I'm gonna really encourage you to try it. I think the best way to show availability is one word, and it sounds like this, Hey, just okay, you walk to the bathroom and you walk to the bar, you walk by them, Hey, just like that.

So so being available also like releasing pheromone self touch. And then this one is not from the research, but I'm gonna really encourage you to try it. I think the best way to show availability is one word, and it sounds like this, Hey, just okay, you walk to the bathroom and you walk to the bar, you walk by them, Hey, just like that.

Because look, by the way, this is for both men and women, okay, because life is too short to not hay, right, and there's no pressure.

Because look, by the way, this is for both men and women, okay, because life is too short to not hay, right, and there's no pressure.

If you walk by someone in the gym, right and you're like hey, even if they have their air pods in, if they like you, they're gonna be like, hey, right.

If you walk by someone in the gym, right and you're like hey, even if they have their air pods in, if they like you, they're gonna be like, hey, right.

Does it matter the tone of voice, because you say it matters Hey, it's not like that's pretty good? Okay, all right, okay, so I'll do.

Does it matter the tone of voice, because you say it matters Hey, it's not like that's pretty good? Okay, all right, okay, so I'll do.

See men men do good with a downward inflection, So like that down reflection is good. So if it goes good, the guy is gonna be like hey. If he's not into it, he's gonna.

See men men do good with a downward inflection, So like that down reflection is good. So if it goes good, the guy is gonna be like hey. If he's not into it, he's gonna.

Be like hey, yeah, right.

Be like hey, yeah, right.

No problem, right, like cool, Hey, So it's like the most low pressure way when you're in the grocery store, when even by the way, if someone has airpots on there, it's still gonna see you go. They're going to take out their heir find and they're gonna be like, hey, So here's the difference, right, So I am using the lowest end of my natural tone. This is especially important for women, but everyone. Research finds that we decide how confident someone is within the first two hundred milliseconds of hearing them speak. Two hundred milliseconds. That means the most important word you can say really is hey.

No problem, right, like cool, Hey, So it's like the most low pressure way when you're in the grocery store, when even by the way, if someone has airpots on there, it's still gonna see you go. They're going to take out their heir find and they're gonna be like, hey, So here's the difference, right, So I am using the lowest end of my natural tone. This is especially important for women, but everyone. Research finds that we decide how confident someone is within the first two hundred milliseconds of hearing them speak. Two hundred milliseconds. That means the most important word you can say really is hey.

That's it.

That's it.

You've just signaled your confidence. Your confidence, not confidence, it's specifically confidence. Okay, so what does that mean? We are listening for relaxation and breath in the vocal cords. So right now I'm working really hard to use the lowest end of my natural voice because I know that people are listening and I want to keep them relaxed. When I get nervous, I tend to go a little higher in my vocal tone. I might get a little bit more vocal fry, and I might sound a little bit more like this. Now, if I were to do the entire interview in this tone of voice, it would drive you crazy.

You've just signaled your confidence. Your confidence, not confidence, it's specifically confidence. Okay, so what does that mean? We are listening for relaxation and breath in the vocal cords. So right now I'm working really hard to use the lowest end of my natural voice because I know that people are listening and I want to keep them relaxed. When I get nervous, I tend to go a little higher in my vocal tone. I might get a little bit more vocal fry, and I might sound a little bit more like this. Now, if I were to do the entire interview in this tone of voice, it would drive you crazy.

It's infectious. We catch it.

It's infectious. We catch it.

We don't like to be around people or we could catch their anxiety. We don't want to catster anxiety. They've even found that we match the voice resonance of the most important person in the room. So when they tested people, they found that they un subconsciously their resonance matched whoever's most important person room their own resonance.

We don't like to be around people or we could catch their anxiety. We don't want to catster anxiety. They've even found that we match the voice resonance of the most important person in the room. So when they tested people, they found that they un subconsciously their resonance matched whoever's most important person room their own resonance.

I couldn't be more excited to share something truly special with all you tea lovers out there. And even if you don't love tea, if you love refreshing, rejuvenating, refueling sodas that are good for you, listen to this RADI and I poured our hearts into creating Juny Sparkling Tea with adaptogens for you because we believe in nurturing your body and with every sip you'll experience calmness of mind, a refreshing vitality, and a burst of brightness to your day. Juni is infused with adaptogens that are amazing natural substances that act like superheroes for your body to help you adapt to stress and find balance in your busy life. Our super five blend of these powerful ingredients include green tea, Ushwagan, under Acirolla, cherry, and Lion's made mushroom and these may help boost your metabolism, give you a natural kick of caffeine, combat stress, pack your body with antioxidants, and stimulate brain function even better. Juny has zero sugar and only five calories per can. We believe in nurturing and energizing your body while enjoying a truly delicious and refreshing drink. So visit Drinkjuni dot com today to elevate your wellness journey and use code on purpose to receive fifteen percent off your first order. That's drink j u Ni dot com and make sure you use the code on purpose. So here's the thing a lot of us when you're attracted to someone, your heart rate goes up, you start breathing shallower, and you're about to say it in a like you go hey, hey, like really that's the reaction because you're so nervous.

I couldn't be more excited to share something truly special with all you tea lovers out there. And even if you don't love tea, if you love refreshing, rejuvenating, refueling sodas that are good for you, listen to this RADI and I poured our hearts into creating Juny Sparkling Tea with adaptogens for you because we believe in nurturing your body and with every sip you'll experience calmness of mind, a refreshing vitality, and a burst of brightness to your day. Juni is infused with adaptogens that are amazing natural substances that act like superheroes for your body to help you adapt to stress and find balance in your busy life. Our super five blend of these powerful ingredients include green tea, Ushwagan, under Acirolla, cherry, and Lion's made mushroom and these may help boost your metabolism, give you a natural kick of caffeine, combat stress, pack your body with antioxidants, and stimulate brain function even better. Juny has zero sugar and only five calories per can. We believe in nurturing and energizing your body while enjoying a truly delicious and refreshing drink. So visit Drinkjuni dot com today to elevate your wellness journey and use code on purpose to receive fifteen percent off your first order. That's drink j u Ni dot com and make sure you use the code on purpose. So here's the thing a lot of us when you're attracted to someone, your heart rate goes up, you start breathing shallower, and you're about to say it in a like you go hey, hey, like really that's the reaction because you're so nervous.

And this is why we don't have enough cups.

And this is why we don't have enough cups.

This is the reason. Is the way were saying, yeah, h what do we do when you're like, when you're feeling that like attraction, maybe you've even built up to it. You've been going to class every day for thirty days and this guy's turning up three times. You're trying to send the queue.

This is the reason. Is the way were saying, yeah, h what do we do when you're like, when you're feeling that like attraction, maybe you've even built up to it. You've been going to class every day for thirty days and this guy's turning up three times. You're trying to send the queue.

Yes, okay, so luckily one is. Now that you know it, it's going to be very easy for you to hear yourself. Do it so at home if you wouldn't mind trying this with me. I want you to hear the highest end of your range versus the lowest end of your range. Everyone has a natural range, So first, let's start with the highest. So take a deep breath and say hello at the top of your breath. Hello, Hello. That's our natural highest end of our range. I never want you to sound like that. I never sound like yeah, right, maybe your dog. I see people go.

Yes, okay, so luckily one is. Now that you know it, it's going to be very easy for you to hear yourself. Do it so at home if you wouldn't mind trying this with me. I want you to hear the highest end of your range versus the lowest end of your range. Everyone has a natural range, So first, let's start with the highest. So take a deep breath and say hello at the top of your breath. Hello, Hello. That's our natural highest end of our range. I never want you to sound like that. I never sound like yeah, right, maybe your dog. I see people go.

Hello, baby, Actually you're right to my niece and nephew. May they look at me like stuff? Talking to me like that?

Hello, baby, Actually you're right to my niece and nephew. May they look at me like stuff? Talking to me like that?

Babies and dogs, totally fine.

Babies and dogs, totally fine.

Babies, dogs, that's it, because you're signaling tightness, high anxiety, and we don't want that. And by the way, this happens to everyone. We hold our breath as we're answering the phone. Hello, You've just given away all your confidence. Okay, so that's the highest. Let's try the lowest. So take a couple of deep breaths, relax your vocal cords. Relax your shoulders, relax your jaw, relax your mouth, and then I want you to say hello on the outbreath.

Babies, dogs, that's it, because you're signaling tightness, high anxiety, and we don't want that. And by the way, this happens to everyone. We hold our breath as we're answering the phone. Hello, You've just given away all your confidence. Okay, so that's the highest. Let's try the lowest. So take a couple of deep breaths, relax your vocal cords. Relax your shoulders, relax your jaw, relax your mouth, and then I want you to say hello on the outbreath.

It's gonna sound like this, Hello, Hello. That's the lowest end of your range.

It's gonna sound like this, Hello, Hello. That's the lowest end of your range.

What happens here is when we take in breath and we speak on the outbreath, it forces our vocal cords to relax and it puts us on our lower range. So here's the difference. Here's how I want you to say hello. Let's to the phone first. So instead of Hello, I want you to go Hello. Totally different the second one. Right, So here's the bad one, Hello, that's too high, versus on the outbreath.

What happens here is when we take in breath and we speak on the outbreath, it forces our vocal cords to relax and it puts us on our lower range. So here's the difference. Here's how I want you to say hello. Let's to the phone first. So instead of Hello, I want you to go Hello. Totally different the second one. Right, So here's the bad one, Hello, that's too high, versus on the outbreath.

Hello.

Hello.

It's still me, but I sound totally different. You would treat me differently based on those two hellos. I started off by saying, your cues change how people treat you. If you speak with confidence, people are going to treat you with more respect, and so it is critical we speak that lower tone. So when I was like hey, I didn't.

It's still me, but I sound totally different. You would treat me differently based on those two hellos. I started off by saying, your cues change how people treat you. If you speak with confidence, people are going to treat you with more respect, and so it is critical we speak that lower tone. So when I was like hey, I didn't.

Go hey, are I'm so good?

Go hey, are I'm so good?

So a nice low hay for both men and women. This works? And can we just hey everyone?

So a nice low hay for both men and women. This works? And can we just hey everyone?

Yeah? Yeah, I like that.

Yeah? Yeah, I like that.

Let's just do like.

Let's just do like.

Life is too short to not hay a person you're like, I like their vibe. Yeah, right, Like, let's just hey everyone, and if you see me out on an airport, you just ab I'll laugh.

Life is too short to not hay a person you're like, I like their vibe. Yeah, right, Like, let's just hey everyone, and if you see me out on an airport, you just ab I'll laugh.

Yeah, I love. Oh that's good. I like that. I really like that because I think a lot of people listening right now they might be thinking, but I want to be accepted for who I am. What's the difference between who we are and how we choose to present ourselves? Because I think people get confused. They go, oh, but I am that kind of person who's nervous and anxious and everything, But that's not who they are.

Yeah, I love. Oh that's good. I like that. I really like that because I think a lot of people listening right now they might be thinking, but I want to be accepted for who I am. What's the difference between who we are and how we choose to present ourselves? Because I think people get confused. They go, oh, but I am that kind of person who's nervous and anxious and everything, But that's not who they are.

I don't believe in fake it till you make it. It's not a concept.

I don't believe in fake it till you make it. It's not a concept.

I've ever Yeah, me neither resonated with.

I've ever Yeah, me neither resonated with.

And so notice how I didn't say I want you to be like Elizabeth Holmes and go, hey, I can't even do it. How did she do it? She was so like she faked that low tone. No, I wanted you to find the lowest end of your natural tone. First is I don't believe and take it to you make it. Second is, I want you to sound like your most confident self. So if for you that is, hey, cool, girl cool. I'm for it, right, like I will. If that is you and that's how you go, I will take it. So I want you to feel like you. But I also want you to find your resonance point. It's called a maximum resonance point. That's speaking with. This is for both dating and work. That's speaking with this part of your voice that is open and full of power and volume and space. And don't we all want to operate that way? Like I think everyone is more themselves when they have space in their bodies, when they're taking up their space, when they have breath, and that translates to everything. Yeah, it translates to my face. It makes my face more open, It makes my job more relaxed, it makes my shoulders more relaxed. So what I'm kind of hoping is we're finding that part of you that's like ooh resonance.

And so notice how I didn't say I want you to be like Elizabeth Holmes and go, hey, I can't even do it. How did she do it? She was so like she faked that low tone. No, I wanted you to find the lowest end of your natural tone. First is I don't believe and take it to you make it. Second is, I want you to sound like your most confident self. So if for you that is, hey, cool, girl cool. I'm for it, right, like I will. If that is you and that's how you go, I will take it. So I want you to feel like you. But I also want you to find your resonance point. It's called a maximum resonance point. That's speaking with. This is for both dating and work. That's speaking with this part of your voice that is open and full of power and volume and space. And don't we all want to operate that way? Like I think everyone is more themselves when they have space in their bodies, when they're taking up their space, when they have breath, and that translates to everything. Yeah, it translates to my face. It makes my face more open, It makes my job more relaxed, it makes my shoulders more relaxed. So what I'm kind of hoping is we're finding that part of you that's like ooh resonance.

Yes, Like that's where presence comes from.

Yes, Like that's where presence comes from.

Yeah, that's a great answer. And what's really good about it is also that if that person says hey, back, you're now not at this crazy level of nervousness and anxiety where you can't now you're in shock, and now you don't even have to respond. And then that ruins it. We were talking about one of my friends who's a comedian called Jared Freedi as a podcast called You Up, and there was an episode where he was talking about sometimes it's hard to spark up a conversation with someone at a class, and he was saying, it's good to just go out to someone and say something like tough class, right, like you know whatever, maybe like something to find some mutual ground before you hit it off. And I think even that saying that in this tone could help.

Yeah, that's a great answer. And what's really good about it is also that if that person says hey, back, you're now not at this crazy level of nervousness and anxiety where you can't now you're in shock, and now you don't even have to respond. And then that ruins it. We were talking about one of my friends who's a comedian called Jared Freedi as a podcast called You Up, and there was an episode where he was talking about sometimes it's hard to spark up a conversation with someone at a class, and he was saying, it's good to just go out to someone and say something like tough class, right, like you know whatever, maybe like something to find some mutual ground before you hit it off. And I think even that saying that in this tone could help.

Okay, So I love this tip. So you say hey and it's like hey, hey, cool, then you want to use it again. I like a blueprint. I need specific groundwork. I don't like to guess. So here's your next step is a context cueue. So a context cue is when you use a conversation charter. That's something that you both share. If you don't know someone, you don't know what you share. So the one thing you can share is the context you're in.

Okay, So I love this tip. So you say hey and it's like hey, hey, cool, then you want to use it again. I like a blueprint. I need specific groundwork. I don't like to guess. So here's your next step is a context cueue. So a context cue is when you use a conversation charter. That's something that you both share. If you don't know someone, you don't know what you share. So the one thing you can share is the context you're in.

Right.

Right.

So that could be how do you know the host? If you're at a party? Right, it could be how do you like the food? How do you like your wine? Oh, that coffee looks great? Wow, this is a tough class right, So it's something in context because actually that's a secret me too moment. So this is the next effect. So we're fighting and dating signal amplification, bias. More signals are better. You are not being obvious, right, you think you're being obvious, you're not. It takes twenty nine signals. You can count them in your head if you want. Okay, So that's the first thing we're fighting. Once we've managed that and we're really clear, the second thing we're trying to meet is a psychological effect called the similarity attraction effect. What this is is that we like people who have similar values and motivations as us. What's important about this is every time we have a me too moment like oh we have what we have that, it builds like a little string between us. Like I literally envision when I'm in conversation, like we're handing each other threads.

So that could be how do you know the host? If you're at a party? Right, it could be how do you like the food? How do you like your wine? Oh, that coffee looks great? Wow, this is a tough class right, So it's something in context because actually that's a secret me too moment. So this is the next effect. So we're fighting and dating signal amplification, bias. More signals are better. You are not being obvious, right, you think you're being obvious, you're not. It takes twenty nine signals. You can count them in your head if you want. Okay, So that's the first thing we're fighting. Once we've managed that and we're really clear, the second thing we're trying to meet is a psychological effect called the similarity attraction effect. What this is is that we like people who have similar values and motivations as us. What's important about this is every time we have a me too moment like oh we have what we have that, it builds like a little string between us. Like I literally envision when I'm in conversation, like we're handing each other threads.

I call it thread theory, Like we're.

I call it thread theory, Like we're.

Handing each other threads, and the more threads that are back and forth, the more connected we are. Like that that's the visual I use. So what is the very first question I said to you when I met you outside? Was you know, I think we have some friends in common? Because I knew that that was a thread that we could be like, yes, we both love those people, and that made it just really easy. I didn't say like, how's the weather. I didn't do that, right, So, whatever you can do to create as many me too moments as possible. That could be raving about a mutual friend, that could be raving about how great this class is. That could be oh, the wine is so delicious or the wine is terrible, right like the other one. So all your entire goal in this part of the conversation is me too moments, and your question should be geared towards that, because here's where awkwardness happens. You're in a conversation and you have no goal. You're like kind of like what do you do? Where are you from? You know, and it's like these socially scripted dead end conversation starters. So instead I want your goal to be I want to them to say me too, or I want to say too. That's it, and it's very low pressure because all you're doing and then your questions have intention, right, Like if everything is on purpose, if everything is intention, then our questions are searching for similarities. And this is the last step, and this is for dating, for friendship, even a little bit for work relationships as well. The last step is can you find authentic reasons to like them? And I mean aggressively like them. I think that awkwardness the reason I was so awkward for so long, as I was asking the wrong questions and I didn't know what to listen for. The last the study completely changed my life, changed the way I interact. I was never a cool kid. I was never popular, and I believe it.

Handing each other threads, and the more threads that are back and forth, the more connected we are. Like that that's the visual I use. So what is the very first question I said to you when I met you outside? Was you know, I think we have some friends in common? Because I knew that that was a thread that we could be like, yes, we both love those people, and that made it just really easy. I didn't say like, how's the weather. I didn't do that, right, So, whatever you can do to create as many me too moments as possible. That could be raving about a mutual friend, that could be raving about how great this class is. That could be oh, the wine is so delicious or the wine is terrible, right like the other one. So all your entire goal in this part of the conversation is me too moments, and your question should be geared towards that, because here's where awkwardness happens. You're in a conversation and you have no goal. You're like kind of like what do you do? Where are you from? You know, and it's like these socially scripted dead end conversation starters. So instead I want your goal to be I want to them to say me too, or I want to say too. That's it, and it's very low pressure because all you're doing and then your questions have intention, right, Like if everything is on purpose, if everything is intention, then our questions are searching for similarities. And this is the last step, and this is for dating, for friendship, even a little bit for work relationships as well. The last step is can you find authentic reasons to like them? And I mean aggressively like them. I think that awkwardness the reason I was so awkward for so long, as I was asking the wrong questions and I didn't know what to listen for. The last the study completely changed my life, changed the way I interact. I was never a cool kid. I was never popular, and I believe it.

That's true. It's true.

That's true. It's true.

I was like, I was like a triple major in college because I was just like, what can I do to distruct myself? Like I ran for student council because it was the only position that was unopposed anyway, Yeah, it.

I was like, I was like a triple major in college because I was just like, what can I do to distruct myself? Like I ran for student council because it was the only position that was unopposed anyway, Yeah, it.

Was really cool.

Was really cool.

So I found this study that looked at the cool kids in high school and they examined thousands of kids across a variety of high schools, across variety of grades, looking for patterns why are some kids more popular than others?

So I found this study that looked at the cool kids in high school and they examined thousands of kids across a variety of high schools, across variety of grades, looking for patterns why are some kids more popular than others?

And the hypothesis was maybe.

And the hypothesis was maybe.

They're more athletic, maybe they're smarter, maybe they're more attractive, maybe they're more extroverted, maybe they were funnier.

They're more athletic, maybe they're smarter, maybe they're more attractive, maybe they're more extroverted, maybe they were funnier.

Right, those were all the things.

Right, those were all the things.

Yeah, I would think of right, there were popular kids who were those things. But the only commonality across all the grades and all the schools was that the most liked kids had the longest list of people that they liked. The most liked kids had the longest list of people that they liked, meaning they weren't going around all day trying to be funny, trying to be cool. They were going around trying to like as many people as possible.

Yeah, I would think of right, there were popular kids who were those things. But the only commonality across all the grades and all the schools was that the most liked kids had the longest list of people that they liked. The most liked kids had the longest list of people that they liked, meaning they weren't going around all day trying to be funny, trying to be cool. They were going around trying to like as many people as possible.

No way. One of the.

No way. One of the.

Variables was to everyone had to make a list of kids they liked, and the most popular kids had the longest lists, meaning they were constantly thinking I like that about you, I like that about you.

Variables was to everyone had to make a list of kids they liked, and the most popular kids had the longest lists, meaning they were constantly thinking I like that about you, I like that about you.

This was like relief for.

This was like relief for.

Me because it meant I don't have to show up as impressive or funny or extroverted or be good at sports, cause I'm not. All I have to do is aggressively like people. So if you want to be attractive, if you want to create bonds friend wise romantic wise, what I want you to be doing is you're asking these questions, looking for me toos, and then you're thinking, how can I like this person? More like, what could I ask? What could I find out that I can authentically be like I like you and then saying it like I cannot tell you my best friendships have started when I don't play it cool.

Me because it meant I don't have to show up as impressive or funny or extroverted or be good at sports, cause I'm not. All I have to do is aggressively like people. So if you want to be attractive, if you want to create bonds friend wise romantic wise, what I want you to be doing is you're asking these questions, looking for me toos, and then you're thinking, how can I like this person? More like, what could I ask? What could I find out that I can authentically be like I like you and then saying it like I cannot tell you my best friendships have started when I don't play it cool.

I do not believe in playing it cool. That doesn't work. I literally am like, I like you, will you be my friend?

I do not believe in playing it cool. That doesn't work. I literally am like, I like you, will you be my friend?

Yea?

Yea?

And like I have a six and a half year old and a two and a half year old daughter, and I watched them on the playground and it's funny.

And like I have a six and a half year old and a two and a half year old daughter, and I watched them on the playground and it's funny.

They're they're like this.

They're they're like this.

They literally will sit in the sandbox. My daughter was like, do you like trucks? And the boy was like I like trucks and she was like I like tr I was like me too. Moment, good job, Claire. And then she was like you want to be my friend? And he was like yeah, that's it. They're friends.

They literally will sit in the sandbox. My daughter was like, do you like trucks? And the boy was like I like trucks and she was like I like tr I was like me too. Moment, good job, Claire. And then she was like you want to be my friend? And he was like yeah, that's it. They're friends.

I was like, this is it. We actually knew how to do this as kids. It's what we used to do and we've kind of, you know, over too cool for it.

I was like, this is it. We actually knew how to do this as kids. It's what we used to do and we've kind of, you know, over too cool for it.

I like that you did that and said that because I do the same thing. So no, literally it's exactly the same. Yeah, I know, but like you, that never happened, and I love that because to me, it's I have so many friends in La that when I met them first time, I said, I think we'd be great friends and i'd love I'd love to see if that's true. And like now seven years later, whenever we're out and everyone, how did you to me? And then my friends will always try and be poliable like oh yeah, we just met through and I'm like, no, no, no, let me tell the story. I said that I liked you and I wanted to be your friend, and I love living that way because I think it makes life so clear, It makes life so easy. Everyone knows where everyone's intentions are. And if someone is too cool for me or doesn't like that at least I know.

I like that you did that and said that because I do the same thing. So no, literally it's exactly the same. Yeah, I know, but like you, that never happened, and I love that because to me, it's I have so many friends in La that when I met them first time, I said, I think we'd be great friends and i'd love I'd love to see if that's true. And like now seven years later, whenever we're out and everyone, how did you to me? And then my friends will always try and be poliable like oh yeah, we just met through and I'm like, no, no, no, let me tell the story. I said that I liked you and I wanted to be your friend, and I love living that way because I think it makes life so clear, It makes life so easy. Everyone knows where everyone's intentions are. And if someone is too cool for me or doesn't like that at least I know.

Also like I'm I'm allergic to it. Yeah, like I don't do well with two cool people. Like if you can't even show me your liking or you're kind of wanting to put a wall up, we're not going to be good friends. Because I love level three conversations, I like vulnerability, I like oversharing, So that's like a test.

Also like I'm I'm allergic to it. Yeah, like I don't do well with two cool people. Like if you can't even show me your liking or you're kind of wanting to put a wall up, we're not going to be good friends. Because I love level three conversations, I like vulnerability, I like oversharing, So that's like a test.

Also is like I think we would be good friends.

Also is like I think we would be good friends.

I like you, and if they're like h, I'm like cool, Like that's cool, Like I would rather take the shot than miss it. Yeah, and so I think, like, if you're listening, I think it's like, let's if you like someone like show it, search for those me two moments, and then if you like them, well, first of all, search for reasons to like them.

I like you, and if they're like h, I'm like cool, Like that's cool, Like I would rather take the shot than miss it. Yeah, and so I think, like, if you're listening, I think it's like, let's if you like someone like show it, search for those me two moments, and then if you like them, well, first of all, search for reasons to like them.

Then if you like them, say it.

Then if you like them, say it.

That right there is like the best way to try to find your people.

That right there is like the best way to try to find your people.

That's going to find them.

That's going to find them.

The me too goal is of real switch because I think a lot of us when you approach someone, if you don't ask about the weather, you usually try and compliment someone, and that doesn't work. Vanessa, tell me why compliments don't work.

The me too goal is of real switch because I think a lot of us when you approach someone, if you don't ask about the weather, you usually try and compliment someone, and that doesn't work. Vanessa, tell me why compliments don't work.

We all want to be complimented, but it makes us feel very uncomfortab right, Like there's this weird compliment economics where it's like, please compliment me, but don't.

We all want to be complimented, but it makes us feel very uncomfortab right, Like there's this weird compliment economics where it's like, please compliment me, but don't.

It's weird, right, And it also it creates.

It's weird, right, And it also it creates.

An odd hierarchy a little bit where if you're complimenting someone, it separates you and also you're putting them in the position of receiving something they might not be ready for. Especially I believe in if you're going to compliment someone, compliment them on them on something that you share.

An odd hierarchy a little bit where if you're complimenting someone, it separates you and also you're putting them in the position of receiving something they might not be ready for. Especially I believe in if you're going to compliment someone, compliment them on them on something that you share.

Yes, right, so be like, oh my gosh, I have those shoes I love them too, right, are we twinsies?

Yes, right, so be like, oh my gosh, I have those shoes I love them too, right, are we twinsies?

I mean, I guess men usually say twinsies, but like like, well try please try it twins ees. Just like see how your male friends respond and be like yes. So I think that if you're going to compliment comment on a shared similarity, then you can kind of celebrate together. If you're complimenting someone one way, you're actually putting them farther away from you, not closer to you.