Why can it sometimes feel easier to connect with the outside world than with the person we love most?

Jay explores why love can feel stressful instead of safe, even when both people care deeply. Drawing from his Audible Original Messy Love: Difficult Conversations for Deeper Connection, he breaks down the everyday habits that quietly create distance: subtle disrespect, scorekeeping, unspoken resentment, mismatched conflict styles, and the fear of saying what we really feel. Through real sessions with three couples, he shows that what we often label as incompatibility is rarely about love itself, it’s about unresolved hurt, inherited fight patterns, and the deep need to feel respected, recognized, and taken seriously by the person we care about most.

Jay introduces five transformative principles that can help couples turn conflict into connection. From understanding how respect, not chemistry, is the true foundation of lasting love, to breaking the silent resentment of scorekeeping, he invites listeners to reflect on where imbalance, miscommunication, and unexpressed needs may be shaping their connection. He explains how our conflict styles, whether we vent, hide, or explode, are protective patterns learned over time, and why repair, not perfection, is the true marker of a healthy relationship.

In this episode, you'll learn:

How to Build Love on Respect, Not Just Chemistry

How to Stop Scorekeeping Before It Turns Into Resentment

How to Express Needs Without Blame

How to Identify and Improve Your Conflict Style

How to Repair After an Argument Instead of Withdrawing

How to Communicate Feelings Instead of Accusations

Healthy love isn’t built in grand gestures or perfect moments. It’s built when two people choose understanding over ego, consistency over intensity, and respect over being right. And knowing those choices are available to you at any moment.

Listen to Jay’s Messy Love: Difficult Conversations for Deeper Connection on Audible. Visit https://www.audible.com/pd/Messy-Love-Audiobook/B0G16Z76ZD

With Love and Gratitude,

Jay Shetty

Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here.

What We Discuss:

00:00 Intro

01:17 Difficult Conversations for Deeper Connection

02:24 Principle #1: Influence, Respect, and Recognition

14:50 Principle #2: Scorekeeping

20:15 Principle #3: Conflict Styles

25:50 Principle #4: The X, Y, Z Communication Method

33:14 Principle #5: Create a 30-Day Agreement

Why can it sometimes feel easier to connect with the outside world than with the person we love most?
Jay explores why love can feel stressful instead of safe, even when both people care deeply. Drawing from his Audible Original Messy Love: Difficult Conversations for Deeper Connection, he breaks down the everyday habits that quietly create distance: subtle disrespect, scorekeeping, unspoken resentment, mismatched conflict styles, and the fear of saying what we really feel. Through real sessions with three couples, he shows that what we often label as incompatibility is rarely about love itself, it&rsquo;s about unresolved hurt, inherited fight patterns, and the deep need to feel respected, recognized, and taken seriously by the person we care about most.
Jay introduces five transformative principles that can help couples turn conflict into connection. From understanding how respect, not chemistry, is the true foundation of lasting love, to breaking the silent resentment of scorekeeping, he invites listeners to reflect on where imbalance, miscommunication, and unexpressed needs may be shaping their connection. He explains how our conflict styles, whether we vent, hide, or explode, are protective patterns learned over time, and why repair, not perfection, is the true marker of a healthy relationship.
In this episode, you'll learn:
How to Build Love on Respect, Not Just Chemistry
How to Stop Scorekeeping Before It Turns Into Resentment
How to Express Needs Without Blame
How to Identify and Improve Your Conflict Style
How to Repair After an Argument Instead of Withdrawing
How to Communicate Feelings Instead of Accusations
Healthy love isn&rsquo;t built in grand gestures or perfect moments. It&rsquo;s built when two people choose understanding over ego, consistency over intensity, and respect over being right. And knowing those choices are available to you at any moment.
Listen to Jay&rsquo;s Messy Love: Difficult Conversations for Deeper Connection on Audible. Visit <a href="https://www.audible.com/pd/Messy-Love-Audiobook/B0G16Z76ZD">https://www.audible.com/pd/Messy-Love-Audiobook/B0G16Z76ZD</a>
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe <a href="https://news.jayshetty.me/subscribe">here</a>.
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
01:17 Difficult Conversations for Deeper Connection
02:24 Principle #1: Influence, Respect, and Recognition
14:50 Principle #2: Scorekeeping
20:15 Principle #3: Conflict Styles
25:50 Principle #4: The X, Y, Z Communication Method
33:14 Principle #5: Create a 30-Day Agreement

I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace.

I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!

I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace.
I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!

On Purpose with Jay Shetty

My name is Jay Shetty, and my purpose is to make wisdom go viral. I’m fortunate to have fascinating conversations with the most insightful people in the world, and on my podcast, I’m sharing those conversations with you. New episodes Mondays and Fridays. Please rate and review the podcast if you enjoy it. Live life today ON PURPOSE.

My name is Jay Shetty, and my purpose is to make wisdom go viral. I’m fortunate to have fascinating conversations with the most insightful people in the world, and on my podcast, I’m sharing those conversations with you. New episodes Mondays and Fridays. Please rate and review the podcast if you enjoy it. Live life today ON PURPOSE.

Stop Trying to “Win” An Argument With Your Partner! (THIS Shift Will Turn Conflict into Communication)

https://api.omny.fm/orgs/e73c998e-6e60-432f-8610-ae210140c5b1/clips/c8447492-c70b-48c9-94ff-b3f7005e9bf8/transcript