My best friend took his own life, and I'd seen him two weeks earlier, Jane, two weeks earlier. And you know what I said, This is the saddest, most disappointing life experience learning I've ever had. He's going through his depression and I'm saying, just be happy, choose happiness. I didn't understand mental illness. I didn't understand depression. I didn't understand what I was saying, why I was saying it. And then he was gone, and then I'm speaking at his funeral and I fall apart. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every single one of you that come back every week to listen, to learn and grow. Now you know that I love reading books. I love diving into people's minds and stories. But what I love especially is when someone had a different career, they had a different journey, but they found a way to use their platform for a higher purpose, using their incredible talent, their skills, their gifts, their lessons to have an act in the world. And today's guest, since I've had this book in my home even before I met him, has been doing just that. I'm speaking when none other than Scott O'Neill, the author of this incredible new book called Be Where Your Feet Are. Seven Principles to keep You Present, grounded, and thriving. Now, I had this book sent to me and even before I read it, i've read it now, But before I read it, I would look at this title every day and it became an affirmation, it became a mantra, it became a part of my life. So when I picked this book up, I was already excited to dive in. And today we get to sit down with Scott who's here with me in the studio, And Scott, I honestly have to tell you, from the moment you walked in through the door with your friends that you've kindly brought and introduced me to as well and people you work with, I felt nothing but presence, intentionality, groundedness. And it's beautiful to see that and how aligned you are with what you've just written. But thank you for being here. Well, Jay, I'm humbled off and you've taught me how to think like a monk. Now I want to try to be like a monk, and I hope i'm like that in this podcast, this is a dream come true. You are truly one of the great thought leaders of the world, and talking about using your platform, you're influencing people, You're driving change, and you're helping us be more grounded and more present. So thank you for all you do. No, thank you so much. I hope your wife doesn't listen to this part of the podcast. That month thing, the monk thing, I'm going to be massively in trouble for and next thing, you know, you're gonna shave your head and leave home. And that's definitely not That's why I think like a monk, don't live like. One of the stories you told that I just absolutely love is when you were sent back on the path to find something new to me that is a be where your feet are a moment and I think you found a rock, a stone or right, and you said, And what I loved most is you said, and I placed it back there for someone else to find it. And I just thought, man, could you imagine if we spend our entire life being present so we can discover new things? I say, put your phone down, get your head up. And I'm not I'm far from perfect. In fact, being in the sports business, you know, we've lost our fair share of games. I have a competitive issue and problem. And I remember coming home one night and Lisa's my wife's name, and the Sixers we were. We we famously went through this thing called the process trust, the process where we took the team down. We lost more games over three years spin than any team in NBA history and for an effort to now we're at the number one team and eat so it for a purpose, purposefully intentionally kind of having a long view of the world, which I like. I like the sense of, you know, if you want to go to the moon, don't bring a ladder type of mentality. And I came home. I was anxious, I was upset. I was frustrated. We'd just been booted off the court, and I was stomping around the house like a child. And my wife says, hey, you're doing okay. So yeah, I'm doing fine. It's like, no, no, what's going on here? And I said, well, did you see the game? So yeah, no, I watched the game. Did you see the fourth quarter? It's like, yes, I saw the fourth quarter. Did you hear us being booted? She said, Scott, I didn't even need to have the TV on to hear those boots, And I said, right, So I'm I'm a little fired up, I'm a little frustrated. And she raised her hand at me and says, this is not gonna work. It's not gonna work for me, and it's not gonna work for the kids. And I said, well, he said, how good is your team? I said, do you know we're not going to win a lot of games. She's like, you need a new system, you need a new process. This is a family. And it really struck me. It struck me like, am I being present? Am I the dad I want to be? Am I the husband I want to be when I come home? And how am I letting these outside forces impact an influence who I am and who I want to be, and how I want my energy to show up. So I just talking to a friend of mine and he said, it's a great line. He said, I have a worry tree. I said, what's a worry tree? So well, I come home, I put my hand on this tree right outside my house. All my worries flowed up into the tree, into the universe. And then I walk in my house and I said to him, I don't have one of those trees. Where do I get right? Yeah, but I did use that philosophically. When I'm in the car, I go silent. I don't listen to music anymore. I've tried to find some peace and silence. If I'm frustrated, I how at the moon. If I need an outlet, I call a friend. But that time is my time to decompress, because when I walk in that house, I want to be the best version of myself. I love hearing that. Often what happens is I think we carry that from the car into the home, and then we expect someone at home to carry it. Or like you experienced, you were just lashing out in your own space, and then your wife or your kids, they were experiencing that energy. And it reminds me recently. The first thing I thought about when you were saying that is England losing in the final of the Euros. And what was fascinating to me is that the city of London looked terrible even before the game, so it wasn't even that we lost. And then everyone chuck trash on the ground. It was like there was already trash on the ground, and then it got worse and worse and worse and it's incredible. How you know. I've seen studies that show how like domestic abuse rises when England loses and even when they win, and so you can see that these issues that you're talking about. For you, it was just the experience of your wife noticing you feeling angry and stomping your feet. But some of these things can get quite extreme when we're dissatisfied and when we're disappointed with our lives. Yeah, no, I think you're right. It reminds me of a great story in Camden, New Jersey, which is arguably the most violent city in America, and a good friend of mine in twenty twelve was named police chief. Name is Scott Thompson. Incredible guy and he had a very different philosophy on people in policing. And he would put all the police officers in the back of a swat vehicle driving around and dropman quarters. He said, Hey, if you have to go to the bathroom, you better get to know the neighbors. If you're hungry, I hope you know who's a good cook on the flock, because I'm picking you up in twelve hours, so good luck. What he was saying was was we have to be part of this community, part of the fabric of the community. And so the police officers started to get it. They started to reclaim the streets. They started to roll back the open air drug markets, so instead of fifty, there were now two, so they're contained. They add an infrastructure in it so they could be smarter, some great technology, and then unfortunately, a young teenager was killed by stray bullet from some gang nonsense. And so they came in two in the morning on a Saturday morning or Sunday morning, and also tennants were saying the same thing. Let's break out the swat, let's go get them, Let's do what we have to do. And he says, no, I don't think that's the right answer. And they said, let's lock down, let's go door to door, let's find who did this. And so he sent everybody home three in the morning, and he walked over to a seven eleven and got an ice cream. Imagine three in the morning, and he went back to his office and he went into this a little safe where they keep money that they take when they arrest somebody, and he ordered two ice cream trucks, and the next day they drove trucks. The next day he drove these two trucks on both ends of the street because people just retreating to their house and there's violence, and he had the police officers give out free ice cream for an entire day. To me, that's and by the way, crime is down sixty five murderate is down forty eight percent, and so can you Is it because of the ice cream? No, it's because his intention is to love people. His intention is to have the community, have the citizens control their destiny and get it back. I just again that the notion of my wife if I pick up a phone and I'm talking to her saying like, I'll wait. You know, do we have people in our lives that will tell us the truth? They love us enough to tell us the truth and give us feedback so we can stay present. If you're a police chief in a really dangerous city, how are you going to be like, how are you going to change the world? Because the reality is is like we keep throwing the same solutions at the same problems and nothing's changing. You said something really important day, you said that, you know, we need to surround ourselves with people who can be honest with us and tell us the truth. But we also have to be to receive that. Often a lot of us have people in our lives that are honest with us. I'm sure there's many people's wives or husbands or partners or kids that have looked them in the face and said, I need you to think differently about your life. What have you done differently on the receiving end of that feedback, and how have you processed that feedback uniquely so that you don't retaliate with your ego or your insecurity of like, well, you don't know how hard I'm working. You don't know how hard it is to run a team and do this and start, you know, start noting down all your wins and all your achievements. How do you do that without ego? I think that a common language helps. In our house, if you walked into our house and you were leaving the back door, you would see API assume positive intent. The letters API etched into stone outside of our house. All of our daughters have API carved into rocks, sitting on their dressers and every chot we have chalkboards in our house. It's a house of girls and there's API written on every single one of them. So that's assumed positive intent. We also use the term palms up, meaning you're literally your palms are up. I'm open to listening, learning and loving. I'm not closed off, frustrated. I don't know everything. I haven't solved every problem. I'm palms up. And so if there's an issue, if there's an issue in our house, if there's an issue at work, an executive Mike Kim and say Scott because they know I'm very emotional, Scott, I need you, Api, and I need your palms up. And what they're saying to me in their own way is I know you're emotional. I know you're very competitive, I know you're very driven. I know you want to quote unquote win. But what I need is I need your ideas. I need your love, I need your understanding, and I need your solutions. So come play with me. And so that's helped me the most can overcome my own human fraility of emotion and ego and all that other crap that doesn't allow us to be the best version of ourselves. I love that Sorry you talk by them the book obviously, Api, I thought that was beautiful. I'm going to stop putting that in my office. Is inspired by you and sharing that with everyone. I mean, I absolutely love that when I've read about it, and just for anyone who missed it, assume positive intent. I think that is such an incredible way to live. How did you learn to live that way? I'm sure you've had experiences where you've assumed positive atten and people have taken advantage of you, and or people came in with malicious intent, or people came in How did you continue to practice that? I think a lot of people who are listening, they'll be thinking, right now, I love that, but too many people have taken advantage of me. Sure, how have you continued to do that throughout your career in family and profession. It's such a different way to go through life. I would say, when you have that one finger pointing out, you've got these three pointing right back at you. And I love to spend more time focusing on the guy in the mirror. We spend so much time blaming or assigning blame, or looking for excuses or finding ten reasons why I can't or this guy took advantage of me, or this woman was too nasty, and how can I assume positive and she was mean? Soon pasta has nothing to do with her attitude. It has nothing to do with how malicious he is, has all to do with me, because I am in control, I have the right intentions. Again, I perfectly say this. I'm not I'm not perfectly perfect in this area, of course, but I'm leaving living my best self. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt every time. What's the alternative? The alternative is is that Jay, you said something I didn't like last week, or I was in church and a woman was up talking and she said something I didn't like, or my sister took my shirt, or my teacher I got a bad grade on a test, And so what does that do? Well, Well, Jay, I don't want to talk to you. Next time I talk to you. When you come in, I'm walking out the door. Your boss sends you a text and immediately your blood pressure rises. That is not a great way to any sort of success. It just isn't personally, and how you go through the life and life is better, You're happier, you're more grounded, the interactions are better. But we've all been up tight with that one person, right, that one person that gets your goat, you know, for a teenage girls or mother like your mother can say anything. You have three teenage daughters. The mother can say, hey, do you mind grabbing that sweatshirt off off the stairs? What? Mom? Because I'm a mask, because I can't clean my room. We're like, no, I just wanted to grab the sweatshirts. There's no one trips on it. Yeah, I've got an awful story about that. I'm gonna share it. It's completely on the edge. Okay, So I haven't. My oldest daughter is Alexa. She's twenty one years old. And when she and she's wonderful. When she was a teenager, she wasn't so wonderful. She was always wonderful, but not wonderful with her mother. And amazingly, I have this wife who's just terrific. She is balanced and smart and driven and intellectually curious and tough and strong, and she's just wonderful. Those two together. When my daughter was a teenager, she wasn't so wonderful. Okay. So I would walk in the house and I'd be like, they would be arguing over nothing, and I would say, can you too just go away? Just separate, Like I'd two wonderful people just oil and water and argued about everything for nothing, and so one particular Thanksgiving, I've never told the story publicly. It's gonna be awesome. One particular Thanksgiving, my mom was there and my sister, and my sister's a single mom with her son, and they're in the kitchen roll making potatoes and all the stuffing and all this stuff, and Lisa sounds something like this, Alexa, get downstairs and get your clothes off the stairs. And I'm like looking at her like, I don't know, I don't think I've ever heard of raise your voice. This is gonna be awesome. And Alexa says, Mom, what did you say. I'm like, oh, boy, here we go. Now my mother is here. So I kind of look at my mom like I love you. Sorry. So they go back and forth. Get down here right now, she goes, you want me to come here right now? Yes, right there, get down the stairs, right down, mom. I'm like, she walks down the stairs, not a single article of clothing on, completely naked, walks down the stairs, picks up the clothes, looks my wife dead in the eye, turns around and walks upstairs. And the only thing my mother could muster say is well, she is confident hunt now in that particular story, nobody's assuming positive intent. Yeah except for my mother. Yeah, I'm not you know, I'm like, Lisa, stop, Alexa, just stop. And they're not with each other. And I wonder, like, how many interactions like that do we have in our lives that we can change and fix by worrying about us, not that people we're dealing with give them the benefit of doubt. Clear your head, going empty headed and ready to engage into conversations. Yeah, thank you for taking us that because I'm so glad you told that story, because we always assume that we have positive intent. So often we assume in any given scenario, I've got good intentions. Everyone else I don't know so sure about. But the example you just told us, no one had good no intenia buffing a mother, as you say, And I can't unsee that as a dad, just so yes, yeah, I'll never unsee that. And I love that idea of when you think you're stopping someone, you think that's a positive intention, but actually there's something much deeper happened. And one thing that you said that I was literally talking about this morning with a friend was the idea of why we're so addicted to the news, and I was speaking about this with someone. I was saying, the reason we're so addicted to the news is because it makes us believe the problem is out there. It makes us believe the problems over here, the issues over here, the challenge is over there, that that place, that country, they've got issues. It stops you from having to actually take a look at the person in the mirror, as you said, yes, and it just keeps telling you everything's going on out there, all the problems, all the enemies, all the challenges are all out there, and let's be scared of out there. But you then never get a chance to say, well, what am I going to work on today? You know? What do I need to I feel like that with my friends that live all over the world is if we had, you know, something happens, Is it really dangerous there? I'm like, you know, Or I talked to a friend in Jerusalem and I'll say, is everything okay? So like, yeah, now there was a bombing, it was last week, it was tuesday, you know, you know. Or my friends in China they're like, is it really bad there? I'm like, no, it's actually wonderful here. It's really interesting. Yeah, those snippets of news are impacting us and influencing us. Yeah, and again I'm not saying don't wants to news be informed. I'm you're saying that that mentality for sure. Of what you were saying, getting lost in blame discontent, Yes, feeling like the issues there. There are issues there, of course, the rare. But as you were saying, it's about starting with us. I wanted to tell you a little bit I was telling you before that I was in Mozambique, which is one of the it's the third poorest country in the world. Wow, terrible employment rates, abject poverty. I went over there with my seventeen year old daughter here to help build a school, this incredible organization called Heffy h f Y. I don't have any discernible skills. I can barely hold a hammer. I am worthless around the house. That makes me feel a lot better. Okay, good, nothing, Kay. My wife's a million times better. That's really humbling. And my father, my father in law, grew up you know, building houses, so bad stories not thrown up anyway. Nonetheless, I meant this work site, construction site. The former doesn't speak English and I don't speak Geese. And you know, to any of the teenagers were with, and so I volunteer for unskilled labor. I'm thinking, like, that's the safest place. Put me in a cement mixing. So I'm in this little cement mixing area and mixing cement. I mean it's not hard, but it's simple. It's you know, you carry these hundred and ten pound bags of cement one hundred yards. You drop four for every two wheelbarrows of sand you put in, and you mix water. And I'm nine hours, okay of doing this. I'm thinking like there's a lot of things going through my mind and I can barely sit still for ten minutes, and it's hard work. And I just kept thinking about the water and how that might be reflective of us, because if you put too much water in a cement, spense worthless. It just runs away and it becomes nothing. And if you don't put enough water into that cement, it becomes hard as also worthless. And I thought about that in relation to us. It's like, what are those things in our lives that we do too much of? You know, the simple ones when you're talking to teenagers are really simple. It's like put your phone down, stop with the social media, enough for the TikTok videos it might be, And then what aren't we doing enough of? Are we spending time intentionally meditating or praying or reading scriptures if that's something that you do. Are you taking care of your body? Are you taking care of your mind? What are you learning today? Are you practicing gratitude? You know? So? I think, like to me, I had so many moments in Mozambique, in particular on the construction site where I was like, huh, how analogous is this for life? When I hear that, it sounds like sometimes we have to get out of our own comfort zones areas that we think we learn, get out of the classroom almost like that, that seems like an amazing classroom, even though you didn't go there for that lesson, or you didn't sign up for that course or program that you went there, and that's the lesson you took away. What have you found over your whole career? Do you think you've learned more lessons away from classrooms? And I don't mean schools or universities or colleges. I mean have you learned some of the biggest life lessons when you're away from home team or you know, home stadium. I consider myself a lifelong learner. I love to walk through the world thinking about how I might grow or learn. That's how I wake. Where does that come from? Boy? I grew up with two parents, both PhDs. We didn't have many means when we were young, and they were entrepreneurs, so I saw a lot of things. I mean, I was collating. My parents became management leadership, team building type trainers for Xerox and ADP and Texico and big, big companies around the world. Eventually as I got older, so I was collating books. I saw my mom present when she was in I don't know, I was probably twelve years old to Xerox, all white men at the time. That was the day and age in the eighties, and I see this little little five foot two Italian woman and making them laugh and making him cry and making him think and pushing them, and I just remember just wanting to be her and wanting to grow and be different and interesting and interested, and I mean I was literally that was probably the first moment in my life where I'm like, Okay, I need to know more, but I do love. I walk through the world thinking about what I can learn, and what I found is and I'd be interested in your insights in there. I seem to learn a lot more when I chip and fall. You know, I ended up. I wrote this book when my best friend took his own life. Like he my best friend. I'd just seen him two weeks earlier, Jay, two weeks earlier. And you know what I said, this is the saddest, most disappointing, frustrating life experience learning I've ever had. Is he's going through his depression and I'm saying, just be happy, choose happiness. Hey, will You're gonna be fine. Um, go serve people. When I'm said I serve people like I had no idea I had. I did understand met mental illness. I didn't understand depression. I didn't understand what I was saying, why I was saying it. And then he was gone, and then I'm speaking at his funeral and I fall apart, and I fall apart in a way that you know, I couldn't get out of bed. It couldn't fall asleep, or I couldn't get out of bed. And then I be in a meeting at work and someone would say something clearly unrelated. I would burst into tears and walk out for three months. Didn't raise my hand, No, I need help, didn't raise my hand. And I started to write to heal. And what I started to write was all around stories of where I slipped and fell and fell down and learned and one of the things that I've come to which I'm interested in bouncing off you and seeing where you're what your thoughts are. But I have a formula for mental health and it's you do something for your mind. Something for your body, is something for your soul. Every day you get the right amount of sleep, you practice gratitude, and it be where your feed are, meaning you put your phone down and get your head up. Now, something for your mind. To me sounds simple, but people don't do it because we're on the treadmill and all we do is work or whatever we're doing, we're doing, and you've got to have an interest outside of work. You have to have a passion. You have to be learning. It doesn't have to be complicated. It could be a ted talk, it could be this podcast, it could be an article. But you've got to be learning and stretching your mind in different ways. Your body, you have to take care of yourself. And I know for me, I pick up basketball or a peloton. If I can't get a run in, I'm on a peloton for forty five minutes. And I'm not advocating for anything for anyone. And if you haven't worked out and you're more happy sitting on a couch, go for a walk for twenty minutes. Get the heart rate up a little bit. And then the soul at work. It's easy to talk about on your podcast, harder at work and work environments, but you know you have to feed your soul. And for me that's prayer and scriptures and go into church and having a strong faith. And I know that doesn't work for everybody. Not's okay, but you need to find stillness. And that stillness can be meditation, it can be yoga, it can be sitting out and listening to the birds chirp in the morning. And sleep is the most misunderstood superpower you can ever have, because when I was growing up in the business world, it was sleeps for the week. Money never sleeps. You need four hours get back to work. And when I found and we brought in sleep experts with our athletes, with the Sixers and Devils and they all say the same thing. You need sleep. Sleep lets the mind, body, and soul heal. And so you need somewhere between six and a half and eight and a half hours, depending on what your DNA is in your makeup and your lifestyle. And then gratitude. I know you talked about gratitude, but I was when Will passed away, died, took his own life. I wanted to move from grief to gratitude. But that was hard for me and it was the one thing that lifted me up every day. And I had this practice and when I speak to corporate groups, I always tell them I started the session every time and I say, okay, take your phones out, because they think IM gonna say put your phones down, and say nope, get your phones out. I want you to text your mom and I want you to tell that you love her, why you appreciate her is something you learned from her. Because when I did that to my mom going through my own healing process, my mom said, the worst thing you could ever hear from your mother, un are you okay? And we need to be better and do better, but practicing gratitude. So my challenge is is sixty seconds a day, said the note of gratitude, love, or appreciation to someone in your life. Sixty seconds, not sixty minutes, not sixty hours, not sixty months, sixty seconds a day, and then be where your feet are is put your phone down, ahead up. And we all need rules because we can't regulate. It's very hard and our rules, like my teenage stars hate our rules because their phones aren't in the phones and electronic devices are not in their rooms, and they're not in the kitchen, so no better room, no kitchen for all of us. We have regulations on how much social media they can actually watch. I know nobody wants to say it and do it, and I wish they could regulate. But you know what, I've been the victim of some really tough criticism on Twitter and read it. Okay, I've been attacked and come after it. And I consider myself very confident, very self assured, stable, and I feel apart a few times, and I wonder, like, if that's happened to me, What was happening to a fourteen year old girl who's seeing her friends at a party on Instagram that she's not invited to. She's falling apart, she's not feeling good. About herself's not feeling good about her body. She's figuring out what she has to wear, how she wants to do it. But we have to set If we can't regulate ourselves, we need to put rules in. I go out to dinner the other day, what happens. My friends are sitting at the table on their phone. So, like, guys, we haven't seen your cithern here? What are we doing? Put your phones in your car? Yeah, And so I think it's going back too simple. Do something for your mind, something for your body, something for your soul. Every day, get some sleep, practice gratitude, and be where your feed are. I love that I completely aligned with you. The thing that I loved about what you were saying that stood out to me, which I appreciate, is you calling out toxic positivity. So I appreciate you calling out toxic positivity because you saying that, Hey, when Will told me that he was sad, I just told him to be happy. When he was struggling with this, I told him, well, this is what I do. Why don't you just try it? And I think that's such a valuable conversation to have. What were the conversations you learned after you lost him, that you felt you should have been having with him or could have been having with him, and that our listeners could be having with people, because I think what's also happened is that there are so many people in our lives that are now considered the drain or they're like, oh God, I don't want to see them because they're a headache. They always drained me. It's always about them, but you never know what someone's going through. After my cement mixing days, I got quote unquote promoted to wheelbarrowing cement. Okay, so now I'd hit the big time and the way your wheel cement and I've done it as a fourteen year old where I was digging pools is you you know, you get this heavy wheelbarrow and you just cruise it down this little two by four and there's a hard left. It goes up on the sidewalk. You move it down to the classroom re building, and two kids pick it up and you're wheeled into the classroom. Pretty simple, but it's heavy. I'm like a relatively fit guy. Now I'm a man. When I was fourteen, I could barely you know, I could barely play. It's like I got this covered. So the first time I get this wheelbarrow and I am cruising down a little faster, not hoped down the slope, and I go to make the left turn and I can't move it, and I go right into the sand. Okay, into the sand speed at speed? Okay, no no, no, cement comes out. And now I'm moving in at it probably like an inch every ten seconds, and I'm like just leaning in with my thigh just to kind of push it forward. And these two teenaged girls, one of them which whom was my daughter, come and they're like, hey, Scott, you need help. Sure, they pick it up, put me back on this two by four and I'm on my way. Okay, that's my first trip. So the lesson and how it relates to your question, Well, one is is that path to me that two by four? That's life? And guess what. Life's messy and life's hard. And we think like we have this fairy tale and we're growing up. We have this vision of who we want to be and where we want to go and what we're going to accomplish. And me, I remember someone telling me every studio gets fired. I was like, I'm not getting fired. Every startup guy goes banging along. That's not gonna happen. You both happened to me, okay. And so so I'm sitting in this sand and I get the offer to help. And you might say, like humbling was that to have two teenage girls help you. I was like, no, I have a house, and teenage goes, I now strong, the r and smart the I didn't bother them at all. They put me back on. But I thought about that whole analogy of like how hard it is to be on that two by four. And then I thought about and for me, two by four is going through my six steps, something for mine, something for my body, something from my soul, sleep, gratitude, being where my feet are. Okay, living the right way, making the right decisions, having high integrity, serving others, having true purpose, and developing people because that we all have need. And I know you talk about this in your book Alat It's like we all need our why, our own personal why. And so if I'm living that, it's hard, okay, but you know it's harder not living it. That's the irony that you don't think about. Yeah, right, Because now I'm in the sand, and the sand for me is sin or mistakes or bad decisions, or not assuming positive intent or not focusing on what's most important in my life. That's the sin. You know what I needed, just like we all needed. Just raised my hand. Hey, guys, ladies can come help me here. And when someone suffering from depression and really struggling they need help, I'm not going to be able to help someone. He needs to check into a facility. I need his professional help and medication, and he'd done that before and I will. You know, that's something that I think about a lot, quite frankly, and thank you for sharing that, and thank you for writing about it in the book and creating the book from that place, because you know, it takes a lot of courage to say that what you just said and what you're sharing and even sharing all of this based on a loss, because there's so much self reflection that comes with that. And when you were saying that journey from grief to gratitude was the most difficult journey and obviously will continue to be. In the book, you also talk about how to create presence and your four steps for creating presents, and I wanted to talk about them individually because I find these to be really deeply profound and insightful. If we can really get we can really go there. And so the first one's find a perspective. And I find like that is something, as you talk about the book, when you're moving at one hundred and fifteen miles per hour, when you've got all this going on, finding perspective is the thing that we never do. And if we do it, we do it once, maybe for our New Year's resolutions, or maybe on our birthday if you're lucky. How do you truly stop to find perspective? What has helped you when you've been at your busiest, hectic, most chaotic weeks, days, months, and years. For me, it's coming home and the humility of being a father helpful. It really does. Changing a diaper helps, taking out the garbage helps. I love hearing, going to grab grocery helps. But you know, we all have those moments in our life where we truly find where we truly find humility and perspective. And and I don't mean to go back, keep going back to Mozambique, but I'm going to It's like I'm in houses without any running water or electricity, and I'm thinking to him and I'm I'm looking out over a work site and the kids are under a tree in the shade with a blackboard and a teacher, and I'm thinking, like, life isn't fair. Yeah. There's a story in the book about Dave Schaller, who's a dear friend who grew up in a trailer park and was mad. You know, it's like, why, dude, why is this my lot in life? His dad had some addiction issues and was at a shelter and they were going to pick him up, and he pulls up to the shelter and he remembers, even at a young age, he's got three younger siblings, and he's feeling mad, not awkward, not embar mad. And as his dad's walking down the stairs, he looks to the left and there's a woman with a blue Duffel bag. She's got three kids, and instantly he finds perspective. She's got nowhere to go. He's an a trailer she didn't have a crappy astrovan to take me home, and she's got no dad to pick up. Even with all his issues. This is it for her and for him. That was that grounding moment for me. Quite frankly, my faith has given me, so it's putting my feet on the ground, you know, the humility to get on your knees and be prayerful and humble and understand kind of your role, you your place, your the the dot you have in the universe and has really helped trips like Mozambique. I've had daughters. One of my oldest daughter, the one that I told you about about her episode, she's served in a Syrian refugee camp in Athens. She's been with orphans and Zambia living on a dirt floor. You know what I'm thinking, like, good for these kids, our next gen, our gen zs. They're special, They're different, and they're special, and they have this incredible light and life and social contract which is different for employers and for all of us. And I love how their global citizens, and I love how they don't see the world like we do it. And I love how their expectation is that that we do things differently, and that we help each other, and that we serve one another, and that we love one another. And that's the expectation. And if you don't, if you're an employer and you don't do it, let's leave. They don't have cars, no house, they don't care, they don't held their jobs. I love the way the world is going. And I know a lot of people are they're down. They're down, they've been down in America, or they're down in the world, or they're down in the next generation, or it's not the same. I don't I don't agree. I love this I love this country, and I know we struggle, but we struggle out loud. You know. We struggle with free press. We struggle with being better. We struggle with like meeting the ideals that we have that are so unrealistic and so high and not attainable. We struggle to get there. I love that struggle. Yeah, I love the fight, and I love that there are sides. I wish we did it differently. I wish we didn't create our own media so much and create all this fiction. I wish that we had a vision for for doing something better and being something better together. But I do. I do. I am grateful, I am grounded, and I have perspective, and a lot of that is intentional. A lot of it. It's like, where how are you spending your Thanksgiving? Yeah, you know, how are you spending your summer vacations. How are we raising our children? Are we willing to learn from our children? Are we learned to listen to them? They know, they know how to treat each other. So I think the whole it's a whole host of questions and a complicated answer to a really complicated question. Yeah. No, I mean I asked the question because I think as soon as you on today, it was really clear what your perspective is, what your focus is. And you can go on Instagram and find a very different perspective, or you could be following places of already service work and you could get that perspective too. The thing is today you can go on YouTube and search Mozambique Building schools and you can find an incredible video about the inspiring stories that are right there. You don't have to visit, you don't have to have the means to go over there and help to be a part of this. And we found that this year, my wife and I led a COVID relief for India because India was going through just so much. We knew that one person was dying every five minutes. The resources and the infrastructure didn't exist. My wife and I are heritages from India. My month life was spent in India, so I feel a certain level of responsibility towards India. And what I saw was that everyone's perspective was dialed in, Like our social media community raised five million dollars in one weekend, and that to me showed just how incredible the perspective is when people are daled in. I know, how amazing my community is. I love that, And it showed me the power of when everyone's like, oh, what social media does this? And social media, I'm like, we can have done this without social media, right, But your intention is pure and so is our community. And your community is pure, and you're and the love that you show and have and the way you even celebrate your listeners and who comment like I that community is it's a Jay Shetty community. I mean, it's wonderful and full of love. And I agree. It's like when I say, pick up your phone and text your mom or text my love or I'm going to use my social media platform for good. That intention that like how you set your day. I'd love to talk about that too. It's like I'd be so interested in how you set your day every day. I mean, we talk about doing it to a leadership constitution or a mantra. But they're like, I don't know, I just invite. I'd be interested, like do you set like do you read something? Do you say something? How do you how do you set your intention for the day. Yeah, it's changed over time, and now I always try and find a pattern because I like patterns, and I like routines, and I like commitment, and so it's changed over time. At one point, this was truly one of my favorite morning routines. Every day I would wake up and I would listen to Steve jobs Is commencement speech at Stamford, and I listened to it every day, And I listened to it every day for nine months. And I promise you not only did I know the words off by heart, but the words like started to really affect my heart to the point that I realized that all the choices I made were all based on his voice in my head. Now I didn't know Steve Jobs. I don't even know anyone who knows Steve's Jobs, but I feel like I know him because I've spent so much time studying his life and listening to him and reading through his work. So that was something I did. I don't do that anymore, but that was something I did. Recently, we had Matthew McConaughey on the podcast and I told him that at one point I listened to his speech from the Oscars when he won for Dallas Buyas Club. I think that was a movie he won for and it's a five minute speech and it says Oscar's acceptance speech. It's rooted in faith and God and growth. It's beautiful and I listened to it every day for thirty days, and that was my thing that I did first thing in the morning. So those have been certain things that I really like that are practical for people without learning a new habit or learning a new skill or learning how to meditate. But the primary focus of my schedule now is when I wake up, the first thing I do is I have a small posting note on the side of my bed and it says what am I grateful for? And so that's the first thing I see. And so the reason I do that is because so often my first thought when I wake up is I'm tired, right, That's so it's such a natural autopilot thought, Oh let me look at my schedule. Oh my gosh, got so much to do today, right, Like, that's such a normal thought. And I've read so many studies about choosing our thoughts, and my belief is if that the first choice I make in the morning is to choose a grateful thought, and that will transform every choice I make for the rest of the day. If you choose to love your child the first thing in the morning, you're more likely to love them throughout the day. If you choose to plant a beautiful seed, it's more likely to grow into a tree and a fruit by the evening. So for me, that's been the first thing I do. Straight after that, I go to my meditation packed practice, which has always been Montreal meditation for many many years, and I've developed this so I don't recommend this to anyone. I meditate for about one and a half hours to two hours every morning. It's the first thing I do. And for me, that's my connection to God, it's my spiritual connection, it's my faith connection. It's me learning to be an instrument to purify all of the impurities and issues that I have so that I can actually be a vessel of service. And so that's what that does for me. And then it's very similar to what you said, mind body. Straight after that, I'm out playing tennis. So tennis has been my exercise consistently now for maybe the last year. And I started to realize I didn't enjoy gyms, but I love sport. I love competition, I love play. And there was a beautiful quote from Richard Branson that stuck with my head. And I probably read this when I was sixteen. I remember reading his books when in my teens, and I read this when I was sixteen. And it's funny because now obviously I'm not old, but I'm older than I was when I was sixteen. And he said, we don't stop playing because we get old. We get old because we stop playing. And that's what Drooma did Talents. I was like, I need to add more play into my life. And then straight after that, I'll sit down and set an intention for the day. So I'll look at my schedule and I'll think, what energy do I need? So today I've got a day of interviews. I'm sitting with people. Some people have met, some people I haven't met, And so my intention is, how can I truly serve this person the best so that they can serve humanity through what we're doing. And so now when I'm sitting here with you, all I'm thinking about is just I cannot wait for everyone listening to read this book. Not only are you a great author, you're a phenomenal storyteller. I'm sitting on this podcast going, Scott, I had no idea you're this good at storyteller, and I'm loving it. I'm enjoying that because I'm appreciating just how much people are going to be moved when they finally get to dive into your work. And so that's that's my general morning routine every day that I follow that works for me. I love that. I would love to tell you my youngest daughter, Eliza, was fourteen UM every night before she's gone to bed, now this is a four year practice. Every day has not missed a day. She writes down fourteen things. I have no idea why it's fourteen that she's fear is that she's grateful for every day okay, has never repeated once, never really incredible. So now think about what that says to you for the next day, because now you have to be in tune as to what you're being grateful for. Much like you do in the morning. I like it better in the morning like you do. But I love the notion of that. The other thing she does, which is I think it's the cutest. She'll be embarrassed if I ever say that someone I'm going to say it, but it's the cutest. She has a happiness clicker, happy thoughts clicker, So if you go by her room at night, you'll hear click click click click, click click click. And it just warms my heart to hear someone who's actually having happy thoughts and rewarding herself for the happy thoughts. Is that beautiful, Scott, I think we have the wrong person on the podcast. This is she sounds amazing. Those are by far two of my faith you have just there's there's two things that you've just shared and I can't what's her name, Eliza, Eliza? Okay, Eliza, when you listen to this, if you ever do, if you watch this, I just want you to know you have taught me something two incredible lessons today that I'm going to share with so many people. I'm gonna quote you on it. I'm gonna put it out there because you've blown my mind. First of all, I love that piece of advice that she has never repeated one that is incredible. That's amazing. Is so easy because you remember at first, you're like, mom, dad, my house, my school. Oh yeah, just write the first oxygen first month, right, Like yeah, that's but to not repeat right, that's amazing. It's like dispute. Now you're actually digging and looking. Yeah, I love that. I love that. And then the second one that you said, so don't repeat your gratitude. I think that is such a beautiful message. And the reason why I love the happiness clicker is because I was literally quoting a study yesterday. The study on our thoughts shows that we have sixty to eighty thousand thoughts per day, and eighty percent are not only repetitive, but negative. And so the fact that your daughter is counting her positive thoughts and we both know, I mean, you know better than anyone. If you don't measure something, it's not going to grow, it's not going to change. The fact that she is counting her positive thoughts that gives her a tally to try and live up to the next day and grow. I love that. That is genius. It's funny. I was actually thinking about it. I wanted to I was speaking to someone about this a few months ago, and that's why I love that so much. I was talking to someone about how measuring how many steps they took change their lives, right, Like whether you use a fitbit or an aura ring or whatever you use, the idea is that measuring that you did your ten thousand steps. And I saw families getting into these league tables with each other and kids and families competing. And I literally said this to a very close friend of mine who've had on the podcast as well, and I said to him, I said, how cool would it be if you could measure someone's positive thoughts? That would be so like if we had a device that could track your thoughts and could say to you every day, you your three thousand thoughts away from having ten thousand positive thoughts, right, and you could measure someone's positivity that would engage them to like, no one wants to have ten thousand steps. We just do it when we know we're eight thousand, You're all right, two thousand and more. I can do that, but I wonder if we could. You know, I have this notion that negative self talk, especially again, I'm with a lot of teenagers, so they say things. And I had this notion that when you say something, it's not how you intuitively think you say it, and it goes into your subconscious effect it. And um, you know, I'm a I'm a product of you know, two PhD's hippie hippie parents and they were all about you know, positive affirmations. Yes, you know, and we got away from that the last few years. But but and we replace it with a mantra or a leadership constitution. I love positive affirmation, right, yeah, But like I wonder if those positive thoughts is something that we can be saying in the morning. Yes, Like get them out there, because it'll make you happier, it'll make the world better, It'll make your interactions better. I'll help you assume positive in ten or I'll help you focus on what's most important. We do all those positive things that we need, you know, and like writing them down is good. Saying them matters. Yes, yes, Eliza, you have. I'm never going to figure those two stavements. I'm going to be sharing them a lot with people. They're so powerful, they're so powerful, and there's so much wisdom in that. And that's writing down what you're grateful for is such an overused tip and it's great, and that's why I love what you said, share it, express it that sixty second text your mom, Like, that's where it starts working. But it also works when it's not repetitive. So I think that's that's incredible. Thank you so much, Eliza. The second step is seak authentic feedback. This one, I think is become more and more difficult for people to do because seeking authentic feedback means you have authentic relationships. Yes, because you can only seek authentic feedback from people you genuinely have a relationship with or that understand you. Tell us about your journey to tell me about the time when you sort authentic feedback, and examples of both types of feedback you received inauthentic or authentic. You know, what happens in a career is hard. When you're young, you have mentors, and then you start hopping over your mentors, yes, and then you get a big job and even the people that you love the most and they have worked with side by side for three companies or two companies, or those that you've groomed since their early days and they're now your direct reports and they're not going to tell you the truth, and then you're bored. In my case, or your bosses, they're not going to tell your truth anyway, and you're not sure you want it, you know, so that becomes really complicated. I've found a couple of places that are you know, solveced. There's a group called YPO Young Presidents Organization, which puts you in a room with eight to ten other CEOs and you have what they call form confidential meetings where nothing comes out and you talk about things that you can't really talk about, you know, issues at home, troubles with a child, troubles at work, negotiating a contract, like who are you going to call? So that that was an incredible source of strength to me for the last fifteen years. My forum and YPO. So that's one group where they love me, they don't judge me, they're honest, they're strong, they're my peers. So I think that formula, whether it's YPO or some other group of your peers, is good. My brothers are incredible sources of strength, and my sister, my three brothers and sister all running companies. But they love me too much, you know, and they'll always take my side, always my wife not so much. And and and and she loves me, but she'll tell me, you know, and and I imagine for you for your wife, she sees Jay shetty okay, Jay Jay, do your laundry okay, you know. And and and there's a partnership that is critical and that um, I'm sure your wife is strong where you when you know, my wife is strong and I needed a strong woman. Um, and so and we have complete divisional labor, and you know, but there is an expectation that when when I need it, she gets it to me, whether I ask for it or not, which I absolutely love. I'm a little more delicate just in terms of style with her. Yeah, I say it a lot nicer. Yeah, Um, I think I do the same. Yeah. It's a good tactic. Five years together, that's God's working. It's working. Um, and she's been amazing. So so those are my two sources of YPO. And then and then my wife. I love this. There's a great idea. How about you? How that has it worked for you so hard? Because you're a celebrity and star like? Is that like so different? You know what? I'm really fortunate and and I made this a conscious like intention as as my life crew, is that I'm always the poorest, least successful and Lee's wise, but you know, least wise person in the room. And so I try and surround myself by people who are far ahead of me and every way I possibly can. And they're not always the same rooms because you don't necessarily find people across all three of those in the same room might be getting harder on all three fronts for you. Definitely smaller, no, no, definitely not a small I feel like I feel like the higher you go, you realize how big the world about big people's visions are. When I when I want the wise, I go to the monks. I was I was just talking to about this the other day. I shared this with Randy actually, and I was saying that I was I was coaching, I was working with someone recently, and I was speaking to my monk teacher about who I was working with. So, my monk teachers seventy years old. He's been a monk for forty years. He's lived life. He's like I got every life experience. He's coached children since they're born to go on to become incredible people. He's coached you know, heads of societies and states, and you know, he's he's had an amazing life. And so when I go to him and he's seventy years old and you know, I'm half his age, and you know, it's you start recognizing just how much more there is to life and how much you still have to learn and live. And I was telling him, I'm coaching this person on this, and I'm working with this celebrity on this or whatever it is. And he goes he said to me, said, he said, I'm so happy for you because I'm so happy. He said, I'm so happy because you get to help everyone with your problems. And it was like that humbling reminder. I was like, you're getting to coach people on what you need coaching for, and that is God's gift to you, that you're getting to help people with what you're going to need help with. And so I think you know that wisdom that I get from the monk teachers that I have that I still am very much in touch with. They're always very humbling and grounding. And I think my sister family, so my sister, what you were saying. My sister, whenever I start speaking to her, she'd be like, stop going on Ja Shetty on me like she literally say, and my sister loves me and I love one of my best friends. She's four half years younger than me and stopped giving me a Jetty video like I just want my brother look and I'm like, this is me, Like, but she has to say that to me. And you know, in the beginning he used to hurt me. Now I find it cute and adorable and then my wife, you're spot on. Like. There was an interview that Robert Downey Junior did and he talked about how they were like how do you stay humble your Iron Man? You build the Marvel universe. I mean this guy's you know, he's crushed it over the last few years with all the amazing movies you did. And he just said, he said, you know what, when I get home, you know, my kids are not like, oh my god, it's Iron Man. You know. He was like, my wife's like take the trash out. And he was just like what you said, same thing, like you know your family, and I think that's a beautiful thing. I think often this is what I was sharing with a lot of my male friends. I said, especially as men, I think often we want our wives to validate us for what we achieve and not who we are, right, and we forget that they chose. My wife has been with me since I didn't have a job, you know, and so my wife, my wife's parents took way better care than I did of her in the first three years of our marriage, and what I could offer her was far less than what her parents could offer her. But I think we forget that is we want to be validated for like being that singer or that athlete, or being a speaker, or like can't you see him a number one New York Times Best? Like that? You don't want to be loved for that. No, you're so right, I'm speaking of that. You said that. I thought it was really interesting, And I forgot to mention that I've had three great coaches. I'm trisiand Off and Spencer Hole and then Brendan Bruschhard most recently. And I didn't realize you worked with just with him too. You're kidding me. I didn't realize that we were literally so Brendan just we're all part of the same mastermind, and we just literally were with Brendan four days. I loved being he is. He helped me rediscover what it meant to be a leader again. Wow. And I think that's the gift that coaches can give you. And they think. He does not surround issues either, So he gave me some incredible feedback over time, but helped me get there on my own, which I love. Like. We had so many fascinating conversations and he's been been a true recent source of strength. Amazing. I love hearing that. Please tell me about the first two because I got excited about Brendan and Tricia Um is amazing. She is a little bit like bohemian and Um. I was at Madison Square Garden and struggling with all sorts of things personally and professionally, and she had this big notion of like, you want to be a warrior. I'm like, yes, I want to be. She's like, no, no, Scott, Scot Scott sit down. I'm like, no, no no, I do want to be. She's like, no, you want to hunt and kill. I'm like, right, you know, and she's like, no, you need to grow, you need to go into that sage phase. I'm like, but I don't want to be a sage, you know. Now. I was thirty eight, okay, and she said, what, You're gonna have to get there, because if you want to lead an elite level, the reward isn't you anymore? Yeah, and that's where I am. I told her, I sent her notes every once in a while that I found it, you know, and she always sends me funny ones back. But I now get my joy. My win is seeing someone become a vice president for the first time, or leave me and go run an incredible company and be an extraordinary leader. Or you know someone that goes and can change the world in their world, or you know someone who leaves me and goes and builds this incredible foundation and is changing things in the world. That is now my killer, my win. So I think she I hope she would say she's proud that I just didn't go in her pace. Yes, but that always stuck in my mind and I had some classic fight back and arguments and pushback with her and she I remember her saying, Scott, you need to meditate, and like the sweetest, smartest tough woman, and I'm like, I can't sit still for five seconds. Stop telling me to meditate. Help me with my job, you know. And of course I learned how to meditate over time because I need to find stillness and peace and it helps me sleep, helps me go to sleep, and helps me live better. And so she was a wonderful source. And Spencer Whole, who's been a longtime friend as well, great guy, smart guy, and he helped me on two transitions. And I think I think transitions are hard for people. You know, I've been out of work, out of luck and out of money, and I've been out of work and really comfortable, and I like the latter a lot better than the former. But when you go on these walkabouts in life, you have an opportunity to step back, see the world for what it is, reflect back on the decisions you made, why you made them, the impact they had, good and bad, the lessons you learned, the people you meant, and you just have this overwhelming sense of gratitude for life, even the mistakes you made, because they taught you such valuable lessons. And then you get to take all that in and look forward and say why am I doing It's actually my wife said, like, Scott, why do you do this? Because every time I leave a job, I'm like, I'm never doing this, like every time, and she's like, okay, but why do you do what you do? I said, well, I want to help I want to help develop the next generation of great leaders, and I want to build a platform so I can leave the world better and I found it, and I want to help my church quite frankly grow and so and she's like, well, that's why you're in these platforms. I'm like, yes, that's why I'm in these platforms. And so that's why I keep signing up, you know, And I keep getting the rush and going through the pain and the fun and the exhilaration and the torture and all that together. But it's these walkabouts, these years, like the year that you take off, that really gives you that freedom that most people don't have in life. And I know I'm blessed to have that opportunity to go do it, but that that's the time I'm in now, and I feel like I'm fresh and different and in my version of a zen state that I can actually see the world as it is. I love that. I love that. And while you were sharing that, the thing I was thinking about was when you look at the sage versus the original mindset as you as you put it in a warrior Warrior and it's it's like that hunt and kill changes to seek and grow. Yes, and seek and grow doesn't sound attractive, like when you want to be a warrior, right, Like when you want to be a warrior, seek and grow it's like a much rather hunt and kill. But we realized hunt and kill, if you even look at those words, they will lead to an and terrible they're aggressive. But when you were when you went to become a monk at first, Like what I was surprised when I was reading reading Think like a Monk was that you had a struggle because I know people see you as like you know, it's like your sister's coming on me, Like, okay, have it all figured out? Like I do this. I coached the stars, I you know, have this incredible influence and podcasts Like is that something you anticipated and expected or did that surprise you when you were there and went through that struggle. My whole life is a surprise to me. I'd say, everything's been a surprise. I never thought I would become a monk. If someone told me two years ago before I became a monk, not two years ago, I'd say, if someone told me eighteen, I decided twenty one twenty two, I became a monk. So if if someone told me it's sixteen, Jay, one day you're going to be a monk, I would have probably thrown a bottle of alcoholism, like you know, like that's that's the state I would have been in, because that's how I wasn't sixteen. And then when I became a monk, it was hard because living with that level of discipline isn't easy for anyone, especially just an average kid from London who's not grown up with that level of military style discipline, which is what a monastery is. And then to leave it all to come back, I mean I thought my life was over. Then when I came back, I was just like, well, that's it. I guess. I guess I'm just going to figure out how to pay the bills and life's going to go on. Because all the feedback I had from everyone was just like who cares that you were a monk and what's that got to do with anything? And what transferable skills do you have? You can sit still and be silent, like our company doesn't need that, And so it was it was fear and insecurity and doubt at every step. And so today when I get to do all the cool stuff you said. I just feel blessed every day and grateful. And of course there's been strategy, and of course, of course there has, but I'm saying that the initial seed of that. But when you were a monk, yes, and you're like, you know, they said like, no, you need to do X, and you're like it felt like in your book like times you roll your eyes like, oh, yeah, I did again, I did. I did, because but that's your version of the warrior face, right, yes, yes, And I think I still have that, and that's partly why I had to leave. And what I've realized is that some of us don't have it naturally, and some of us have to engage it for a higher purpose, to purify it. So not everyone can just give up. The rebel like I would say, the rebel is very much part of my DNA. I have that some of that. Yeah, I'm a rebel, like even more than a warrior. I'm a rebel like warrior still feels like you want to. I never wanted to beat anyone else. I'm just a rebel. I don't like going with the flow, and I want to go against the grain. And I think I know how to do things differently, but that doesn't make me better or worse than anyone I've I've always seen it as me. But I realized that I had to engage the rebel in the service of humanity, to purify the rebel, to try and aspire to be a stage. Whereas if you try and what was often called in the monk society as monkey renunciation. So what that means is monkey detachment. Is if you offer a monkey at banana, it will give you whatever it has, and then if you offer it a credit card, it will trade you back the banana. And then if you give it this so the monkey will keep swapping with you because it doesn't really know what it wants and it doesn't matter. It will just give it up without thinking about it. And as humans, sometimes we feel forced to give up who we are, as opposed to saying well, let me engage us and use my skills to help people. Like it's like you saying or I'm just going to go off and become a monk at thirty eight, instead of building what you've built and now getting to have the impact through your book, your work, the Mozambique work that you get to have. That's your journey, you know. When I sit down with they were teachers like there there's a point where the Beatles. There were members of the Beatles that wanted to become monks, and their teachers told them, your journey is to make spiritual music. Your identity is to share the message of God through your music. Your destiny is not to become a monk. You're going to rob millions of people of the impact that you could have. And that's the same with you if you traded air teams. Right, Does that makes sense? Yes? So I basically so for me, it's been that journey of purifying my impurities by giving them in service, trying to use them for something better than your stuff. So that's always been the philosophy of the of the monkhood that I studied in, which was don't force people to change who they are and become someone they're not. Get them to use who they are for helping and serving others, and the world will become a special players. Right. So there's this concept in the book called WM Yes, I love it. Yeah, let's talk about it. And Brandon says that Brendon by Short. He says that high performers spent sixty five percent of their time on the three things that matter most at work? Yeah, okay, so I brought in that a little bit, and I say, like work, yes, we should talk about work, but what about your home, Like what matters most you at home? What about your relationships? What are those three key relationships? And then at work what are those three things that matter? And I went through the audits. Okay, so oh it's all painful. Okay, So you go through, you take your calendar, and then you map, okay, where am I spending my time? And the reason I add the personal stuff is because, especially with COVID, the line between work and home and home and work, or work home and church, or work home and play and church, it's all the same. It's just like life. And so we have to be more disciplined, we have to be more organized, and we have to learn the magic word of no, which is very hard for me because I'm a people pleaser. But I go through my audit and I'm at twenty three percent, and I always embarrassed to tell him, like I didn't, I just buried it. But but then I just asked myself, like I said, like, okay, I got a choice twenty three percent. At home, twenty three percent of my calendar was spent on what I I said, which is what he said. Yeah, Okay, that's not great. I literally am like talking to myself and I'm saying, okay, I neither you to change what's on this paper or change the way I do do. So my question for you is is how do you with all the demands on your time and polls? Because I imagine you could speak anywhere you want to, whenever you want. You probably get thirty calls a week to go speak somewhere you got probably you could do TV, you could do a whole bunch of things. How do you focus on what's most important to you? I fail it all the time. That's the honest concept. It's so hard. It's it's uh yeah, it's so hard, isn't it. It's I agree with you. It's so hard to say no because I feel like there's so many transitions. So let's talk about those transitions and why it's hard to say no, because I think everyone can relate to this yes, and you can. Why don't we do? Oney, you tell me why you think it's hard to say no, and I'll tell you why I think it's hard to say no. So I'll start and then we'll go back and forth. I think one of the reasons why it's hard to say no is because at one point in time, that would have been something you died for. Some of the opportunities I have today that come my way that I have the now, the opportunity to say no to at one point in time I would have begged to have had that opportunity. So you feel a sense of guilt, You feel a sense of responsibility, You feel a sense of am I ungrateful? Am I now becoming? You know? Do I think I'm too good for my like I think I go through that? Does that make sense an internal struggle? I would say one for me is that I feel like I can help people, and for me to not help it feels like a tug on everything that I say. I stand for yes, and so what's simple for me might be really hard for somebody Yes, and so to say no, it's it's counter to what I who I aspire to be. Yeah, Yeah, I love that. I love that one, and I think a lot of people can relate to that. I can definitely relate to that. I feel like that I'm like, it's only ten minutes of my time. I could make a difference to someone. It's worth it. Another reason why I struggle to say no, i'd say, is a part from your one, which I agree with you say. Another reason internal struggle of why I struggled to say no is because I do want to be liked. I was that was happy. It's the same thing, but like you do want to be like, yeah, you want you you know, And I have to monitor this and that's what I'm saying. The reason why I'm I'm sharing these with everyone listening is because if you haven't articulated them, it means you're not aware of them, right, And so if you haven't put it down on a piece of paper and you haven't written down why you struggle to say no, you don't know why you don't say so, I literally said, I just finally said, like, I'm going to eliminate informational interviews. Yeah, okay, Now it's like the kid that comes in. It's your friend's son or nephew or the cousin of so and so, and I just don't I said no. Yeah, And for me, can you imagine like your best friend calls you's like it's my son. Yeah. No, I'll get into somebody like can't you spend ten minutes and I'm like, no, I can't. Yeah, And that to me was awful. It's awful, like the feelings because I loved No. No, it's so awkward. And so now on my walk about, like my constraint is no longer time, which I'm sure if you was impossible right time. But your constraint is time yea, and mine is not anymore. So I ask you a question. Yeah, I was thinking. So with me, it's not necessarily the most and I've made some mistakes on this, I'll say professionally. I made some mistakes on this because I was constantly trying to outsource the only thing I was able to do, and that was something that I probably spent too much money on in twelve months on where I was constantly trying to hire for what is my superpower? And I was hoping that I could find someone to do that so I could do more superpower stuff. But I kept trying to find someone. I kept hiring someone, and no matter how much I paid and where we looked and whatever we did, I realized it wasn't possible to outsource that specific skill, and I finally owned it and I said, well, I need to do that for myself. So I didn't make a lot of mistakes on that. But going back to your question, I see it as the three most important things, but I see them in order, so I like that, Yeah, chronological correct priority. So we had a set of rules in the monastery which I still completely connect with. And the three words one of a couple of them are Sanskrit. One of them is English, but it was health, sadener, savor. These were three words, and it was always in that order. So it was considered these are the three most important things. And the good thing is you can't do one before you finish the other one. That's the rust. And so the rule is health is first, and that includes your physical and mental and spiritual health. And you get beautiful examples of how to do that. So before you have moved in the morning, you can't do any of the others. So if you haven't done your yoga, you haven't done your tennis, you haven't done your workout, whatever it is, you can't do anything else. You're just not allowed because without you being of health, without you being of everything, you mentioned already, Who are you going to serve? What energy are you giving them? You haven't even got your own mind right? How are you going to inspire a young man no matter how whatever you have, or a young woman. The second thing was sadin. A sadiner was your personal rituals and practices, your personal eating of yourself, Like when you were going out of Mozambia. You can't build a school if you haven't worked on your own fitness and you haven't eaten a meal. How long are you gonna last? So the second thing was once you've made you your body and mind are right? Have you prepared your soul exactly as you said? Have you prepared your consciousness? Have you prepared you should have RESI should have been a teacher. Have you prepared your intended? And the final savor is service, that's the final. Giving to others is the final. Not that it's the least important, it's the most important. If you look at any tree around you, if it wasn't watered properly, if it wasn't taking care of properly, you look up, it's got no fruits. What fruits are you given to people? Giving people rotten fruits and that's where you start. So it's not that service is the least important, it's the most important, and therefore you to water the roots world. So for me, that's how I think about what's most important is by first taking care of the first two so that the third can be done to its best. But don't say yes to an opportunity for the third before you've done the first too. Does that make sense? It makes so much sense that it reminds me of the story. There's this tree, tree of Tennaree. Have you ever heard of it? No? I okay, Sara desert. This tree lives to be three hundred and fifty years old. It used to be a wooded area, but then the climate changed and became a desert, and only one tree survived, the tree of Tennaree, and the routes went down hundreds of feet into this little watering hole and it stay. And then unfortunately, like it was on maps, because there was the one tree, you know, hundreds of miles around and a driver came with a truck and hit it and knocked it over and that was it for the tree. And then I always contrast that with Pando, and Pando is the second largest living organism in the world. Eighty thousand tree it's in Utah in the US, eighty thousand trees and it's been around for seventy thousand years. So here's one tree, okay that can survive for three hundred and fifty years in ridiculous conditions. And I was like, that's incredible. But then one driver outdone. See you later, Sionara. That was seventy thousand trees and they share a common root system. Yeah, okay, I wass think about that when you when you were saying that, I just kept thinking, Pando, Pando, Pando kept going to mind, because we need each other, yeah, and we need people and we need to connect. And that that to me is like, you know, that is the secret sauce today in a world where isolation is our kryptonite. The connectivity of roots and the connectivity of people, and how you Jay Shetty are able to bring us together through a common language and that your Monks three step processed. I mean, it's so it's it's pure, it's genius, and it's so intuitive experience and even what you're writing about in the book, what you just said, you today have more of a luxury of time in your life today. Yes, obviously that wasn't how it was at all. I do not have a luxury of time, and at this current stage in my life as a monk, I did more. So for sure. What I've realized is time is the wrong metric and the wrong divisible So we divide our life by time. We say, Okay, I need time with my family, I need time with my partner, I need time with Scot, I need time with this, I need time with that. And I realized a few years ago, no one wanted my time. Everyone wanted my presence, and everyone wanted my energy. So if I could give ten minutes of my time but one hundred percent of my energy, that's what someone wanted. And I started changing how I looked at it, looking at the ratio of my energy versus my time and saying how much time can I give? Add one hundred percent energy? And sometimes the time went down to sixty seconds, And that was fine because I realized that people would rather have one hundred percent of my energy then one percent of my energy and a one hundred percent of my time giving someone an hour being on my phone all the time. As you were saying, when you go with your friends. No one wants that. No one wants to see me and you both on our phones right now and have a couple of questions about you. But people want to hear us have presents, right Jake. That's why I say, be where your feet are, not balance? If you're how do I find balance? I'm like, let's let's talk about It's the first question I get. It's particularly with young people. I talk to high school kids or college Your kids are asking that question. Everyone's worry everyone I find balance. I'm like, get to work. But I literally say, like, I think about my life and I think about home. Well, how do you have such a good, strong relationship. You seem focused on your faith and your family and work, and how do you do it? I was like, Hey, here's the thing. Okay, let's talk about life. Let's talk about real life. Not you know the Huxtables on TV. Let's talk about real real life. Okay, this is what real life looks like for me. I get up in the morning. It's chaos. I call it a tournament. We're just surviving in advance. We are trying to get out the door without a nuclear mountdown. You borrow my shirt. I can't find you in charge of my computer. All that crap. The girls good to school. Okay, how many meaningful moments can I have at that point? How about zero? I have to be okay with that because it's not happening. Yeah, okay, one can't get out of bed, the other ones up at five in the morning. I mean it is, you know, it's chaos. Then I got to work. They go to school, They've got cheerleading, and they've got basketball. They've got boyfriends, which we do not want to talk about ever. We have homework, I have work, I had events. We come home. They how much time? Talk about energy? How do how do I be present? How much time do you have? Forty five minutes? Your family, the people you say you love most, that matter most in your life an hour, two hours, and your luckiest person in the world. So what are you gonna do with that one hour? And I say, let's create some meaningful moments, Let's create a memory, Let's have a real conversation. And by the way, it's great today. There's so many things to talk about. The world is falling apart. We have social unrest, we have challenges to the core of faith and the church in this country. We have the education system, we have a political system that's a complete adventure. We be gil with global citizens. We have all these topics, and we can talk to our children or you know what we can do, write them a love letter, or you know what we can do, tell them three things you really want them to remember, or you know what we can do, tell them everything you ever wanted to tell them but haven't spent the time yet, because those moments are what they will remember and will matter. Go on a family walk. Oh, it took an hour, and we actually left our phones in the house and we went to go walk for forty five minutes that time. That's what we have to protect. That's what we have to put our energy and effort on. That's where our attention should go. This notion of balance. What are we gonna do sitting around watching reruns or binging on Netflix, or sitting around watching a show, typing on our eyepads, messing around on our phone and eating liquorice? Okay, because that's what life looks like. Yeah, it's like me, it's like be president of the notion of energy. Over time, I'm gonna steal that. Yeah, No, it's it's been game changing for me. I obviously I don't have children yet, so I'll have to come take notes from me, my wife and I. One of the things we did, especially as things were taking off for me, I started new routine with her where every thirty days. I realized that the notion of what you just said, if you're lucky of two hours a day to spend with the people you love the most, and that's the same with me. When when life was, when I was putting in the work and I was working eighteen hours a day to build everything that we have today, it I didn't have that luxury of time with her. So every thirty days, we would take three days and we'd go away together, somewhere three hours away from where we live. We'd packed the car, drive up, get a bed and breakfast, get an airbnb, get a small motel, hotel, whatever whatever you could afford, and we'd be there for two nights and three days and we would lock our phones in the safe and we'd just spend time together. That's wonderful. And I realized that doing those three days every month had a bigger impact on our relationship then if we sat in front of the TV every day for two hours. It just didn't It didn't compare because of what you just said that making a memory, making an experience, that's what we all want in life. No one's going to count and be like, Dad, I know you spent ten hours with me this week. No one's counting that. There's no no one's keeping a clock of that. But my wife remembers, all remember that weekend we're going to spamp Springs, Or remember when we went to Temecula and we rode those e bikes around for the whole day. Or do you remember when we went up and we went to Santa Barbara and we just walked on the beach like those are the things you remember? Yeah, it's so true. And they weren't expensive, none of those expensive. Or they were all free walk by. Here's a here's a real free one you can add, go for it. We have my wife and I. When things are good and we're we're in our in our zone, we go on one walk a week that we call non transactional nice think about like life is transactional and non transactional transactionalists. Okay, we got the kids out of this, she's got practice. O. There's a game on Tuesday. Okay, okay, what do we do on us Friday? None of that. We just talk and we stay in the moment and we stay present. And when we do that, I feel like our relationship is more solid, we are more grounded, and we're more connected. And it's our version of your three day trip, which I'm non transactional. I love that. That's and that's hard, I'm sure with kids, yes, that's harder. And harder is you have more people to talk about and their lives and their minds and their challenges and their boyfriends that you will not be mentioned. Yes, all that kind of stuff like that gets harder. I'm sure. How do you how do you honored the time so that you don't get distracted? I find it so easy to you say that, But then when you get there, you just got off a phone or you you spoke to How do you really honored that? How have you found how have you tried to do that best? The best thing for me is is absence. I leave my phone in the house, right Yeah, And I know that sounds crazy, And I wish I were more disciplined, and I wish I could keep in my back pocket and walk for forty five minutes. I don't have to. I don't have the I do not have the gear. I don't so I'll leave it if we go to dinner and I know I need to focus. Stays in the car now, So I'm the same right now, I would never leave my phone in the car. Why where's it going? What are you missing? What is your ESPN notification telling you? What is the TikTok video you're gonna miss? What's the text you're gonna miss? What's the CNN notification? It's okay, you will be okay. The world will move on without you. You are okay, You're not going to miss anything. I think we just have to be where our feet are. We have to just like it goes back to something that you said, more what is your intention? And can we be more intentional about what we are and how we live and be more grounded? Scott, I could talk to you for hours, genuinely, this has been so much fun. And I count podcasts now as I do them more and more, and as we've done them for a couple of years, and interviews. I count when I'm having fun on a podcast as the best indicator of a good conversation and I've had so much fun today. And I also know and I just saw the cluck when I was looking at I was like, we're about to be our record of this is in the top three longest episode you've ever done. That is fun when you don't look at the time. But I want to encourage everyone, and what you just said now was such a beautiful note. Encourage everyone who's listening to go and grab a copy of Be Where Your Feet Are Seven principles to keep you present, grounded, and thriving. We have not even touched some of my favorite chapters in the book. Like, we haven't even gone over the concepts of some of my favorite chapters in the book. We've touched a lot of a lot of my favorite ones, but there are still some more and we have just scratched the surface on what's really inside this book, what Scott has to offer. And Scott, I'm hoping that not everyone, not only does everyone read your book, I hope everyone goes and follows you. I hope everyone stays connected with your journey and story like I'm excited to do. I would hope that we turn this podcast into a long friendship. I've learned so much from you today. I've I've deeply enjoyed your company, and I can't wait to meet your Eliza, fourteen year old daughter who's taught me so much in such simple ways. But I highly recommend we'll have the link in the caption and everywhere please go and grab a copy of B Where your Feet Are. I couldn't recommend it more highly. As you know, Scott, we end every episode with five fast five final five questions. These questions have to be answered in one word to one sentence maximum, So if you're ready, Scott, we'll do what's You're fast? Five? All right, So the first question I have for you is what is the best advice you've ever received? Be present? What is the worst advice you've ever received? Money never sleeps? What's the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night? First thing I do in the morning is say my prayers. Last thing I do at night is say my prayers. Beautiful. I love that. What a what a great life. That's so simple as well, patterns are great. Okay, Question number four, how would you describe your current purpose in life at this stage of your life? My current purpose in life is to help develop leaders, whole mind, body, soul, leaders both personally and professionally. I love that and I'm at it to see do that. I think this book is going to be the manual for leaders. I really do. I really believe you because it's about who you are and it's what you've done, but it's how you show up and it's I love how simple you've made it yet how profound it is. And I think that balances is exactly what's needed. And the fact that you've sat in those meetings, board meetings, phone calls that have caused you so much stress and anxiety and found that the answers and antidotes are actually the amazing principles that you've laid out in this book. I really think it's going to be a manual for leaders. So thank you. This has been a gift. You are a gift to the world, and it's no accident that this is the number one podcast for your health. Thank you, Thank you. And I've got one more question, final one. If you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be be nice to each other? That had been amazing law. I really hope that everyone does try and follow that. Then when it's really hard, just be nice and smile and take care of each other and serve others and love others, and assume positive intent make the world better. There's too much angst in this world and you have to do your part. And if we all do our little part, life gets better for everybody. I love that everyone. Scott O'Neil, please go and get the book be where your feet are, seven principles to get you present, grounded and thriving. Will have all the links and go and follow Scott across social media. And what I really want you to do, as you know, I love it when you do this. I want you to tag me in Scott on any platform you're using, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, whatever you're on, and I want you to tell us what Scott said that's going to resonate with you that you're going to practice, Maybe what Eliza said, maybe what his wife said, whoever said it, I want to know. Please tag me in him on your posts. I'd love to see him feel all the love for this next phase, the next chapter that he's doing in his life of going out to help build conscious leaders. Scott was so grateful to have had you on on purpose and I'm really really happy that we spend this time together, so thank you so much, thank you