You can still make someone feel anxious even if you love them, if you don't know how your actions and words impact them. If you are not aware of how your actions and behavior and your words make someone feel, it doesn't matter how much you love them, they can still feel anxious and uncomfortable. Hey, everyone, welcome back to you On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every single one of you who are just so dedicated and so committed to your growth. It is unbelievable. If you're listening right now, I want you to take a moment to just smile at yourself, with yourself, to congratulate yourself for showing up, for turning up. We're so hard on ourselves. But remember every time you're committing to on Purpose, every time you're committing to your workouts, every time you're commit to any form of personal growth, whether you're reading, listening, learning, jumping, whatever you're up to walking, congratulations, take a moment to really acknowledge yourself, to recognize yourself. And I want to take a moment to recognize all of you because you've all been listening every single day. I know so many of you are listening to multiple episodes per week, and we're seeing that in the reviews, in the stats. It is unbelievable. And I could not thank you more honestly for your support on purpose and the next few months are exceptionally important, and I couldn't thank you more. And I am so excited because the guests that we have coming over the next few months until the end of this year are just unbelievable. Unbelievable. You have no idea what's coming your way, and I can't tell you because I'm excited for you. Just keep a lookout, make sure that you've subscribed to the podcast on the app that you're listening on. Make sure that turned notifications on my Instagram for j Y and JTI podcast. I just don't want you to miss out. So today this episode is a really special one as well, because I really wanted to address our relationships. Now. We always hear that our relationships are important. We know that, but often it's really hard. How many times do you sit at dinner with someone you love and you struggle to have a meaningful conversation and you spend your time on your phone, maybe in the car on the way back in the evening, you wish you had more deeper connection. Or how many of you turn on a show because it's it's an easier way to spend time together than starting an actual discussion. How many of you don't know what to talk about? How many of you run out of topics, maybe you run out of conversation ideas, especially if you've been together for a while now, whether you're talking about a business relationship, a romantic relationship, a family relationship, or a friendship, these seven questions I'm going to introduce you today are going to make a huge difference in your life. And the reason they make a difference is because they all allow you to create vulnerability, create connection, and create intimacy. Especially as relationships deeper. We're not always going to learn something new about someone. We may feel there's nothing left to learn, but you can always learn something new about them, even if it's by going deeper. Sometimes it's no longer about going wider, it's about going deeper, and these questions allow that. So that's the intimacy part. The second thing I said was vulnerability. We know that relationships that have vulnerability actually bring people closer together. We feel if we don't have arguments, if we avoid uncomfortable conversations then will be closer. What you don't realize is that avoiding a two our argument could create a two week issue. A two our argument could save you from two weeks of pain and issues. So these conversations may be thought provoking and challenging and difficult in the beginning, but they can actually help us. And the third thing I mentioned was connection. A lot of the times when we talk, we talk about ourselves, and we don't talk about ourselves in relation to the person we have a relationship with. And so you're not often talking about your relationship. You might be talking about your to do list, you might be talking about your weekend plans, you might be talking about your work plans, but you're not talking about the relationship. And these seven questions are designed to help you have healthier, more powerful, more productive conversations in your relationship. Now, I'm really excited to walk through these with you, So make sure you have a notepad and pen, and if you walking or driving or whatever it may be, remember to share this episode with someone later. Take a screenshot message it. I love all the posts on Instagram and Twitter and Facebook that I've been seeing going up the TikTok Oh my gosh, those of you sharing with the audio on TikTok, thank you so much so. The first question I want to introduce to you, This question is what am I doing right that I should do more of? What is it that I'm doing that you notice and appreciate. What is it that I'm doing that you actually think is good and you'd love for me to do it more because it works. Notice how you could ask this to a romantic partner or a work partner, whoever it may be. A friend. What this allows for you is that it boosts your own self esteem. You recognize that the person you're sitting with does recognize your hard work, your effort. They do recognize the energy you're putting into it, They do recognize the amount of input you have. And often, if that person doesn't have a natural way of reminding you of this, you forget, and in your head you build the narrative that they don't care, they don't notice me, they don't appreciate me, they avoid me. It's really fascinating to me to see that that we build up stories in our head without actually checking in with the other person. When you say to the other person, what am I doing right that I should do more of They get to tell you well. I love the way you send emails in an organized way. I love that you message me you love me in the morning. I love that whenever I need you you always pick up. And all of a sudden, you feel appreciated, You feel considered, you feel heard, you feel seen. All of those things that you didn't feel just a moment ago. You get a chance to alleviate. You get a chance to recognize that actually the person you think doesn't notice you notices you more than you think they notice you. You with me, and what it does for the other person is really special. It gives them an opportunity to compliment you or share gratitude with you. Often, what I find is that because we haven't been trained in gratitude, because we haven't been accustomed to learn how to give genuine compliments, we struggle. And so often someone that you're with or someone that you're working with, may not even know that you need that, They may not know how to do it, They may feel uncomfortable. I often have people I had a review for the podcast the other day, thank you for everyone leaving reviews. I read a review that just said jay I don't want to be excited, but I just love this podcast that I was thinking. But that's not overly excited. I appreciate that. But people are scared of sharing compliments and gratitude. Are you asking this question? What am I doing right that I should do more of? Not only do you get a chance to hear that this person does care about you, they do notice you, you also give them an opportunity to practice gratitude and complimenting, which is healthy for their mental health and their well being. Now, let's look at the awkward scenario where you ask this question and the person has nothing to say. Right, Let's say you ask this question and the person has nothing to say. You're now recognizing that there is a bit of a way to go. Whether that person isn't aware, whether they really don't notice, whether they're not conscious. This is an opportunity for you to recognize where you stand with someone based on the quality of their response. The response may be immediate, their response may be thoughtful. They may pause for a while, and that's fine because that shows a sign of a genuine answer. But if they say, well, I don't think anything, I think everything's fine, don't get angry at them, don't get mad at them, don't get upset with them, say think about it, come back to me when you've thought about it, and give them some time. Let them maybe sit with it for a week. Let them really sit with that, because they may give you a really thoughtful response. So that's question number one. The second question is what should I do less of? See, you just asked for something that created a compliment or gratitude. Now you want to ask for feedback. Do it in this order? What is it that I do that I should do less of? Is there something that I do right now that you'd like me to do a little less of? This is really powerful. You're asking for feedback without saying do you have feedback for me? You're actually asking for a chance to improve. You're asking for a chance to allow that person to share. If you really love them, if you really care about them, and you believe they care about you, isn't it healthy for them to say, Hey, I feel like every time I get home, you're always asking me about my day, and I get really tired to answer that. Then I'd love to answer that a bit later, or you always ask me really important questions while I'm on my phone. And please, next time, just say to me, hey, can you just please not be on your phone while I ask you this? And I'll give you more attention. Right, So, there's so many ways of using this as an opportunity to create a healthier and more powerful connection. We rarely ask for feedback in relationships because what happens in relationships is we think the other person should know. We think the other person should read our mind. We think that the other persion should already be aware, or we don't give it because we're scared. We're scared, and therefore, when you ask someone, you're opening up a safe space. But you've got to be ready to ask in Why will you be ready because you'll understand that no matter what they say is not personal to you. It's about a pattern, a trait, a habit, but it's not about you. Now you'll say, well, Jay, what do you mean? Of course it's about me. If they're telling me that I need to be less distracted when I'm on my phone, how is that not about me? You're not a distracted person. You're a person who has distractions. So making time and now being able to be present is actually helping you too. Stress anxiety, overwhelm, burnout. What do all of these have in common? A lack of perceived control over your time, thoughts, and tasks. But what if I told you fixing all of these problems is as simple as fixing your mindset towards them. I know, not simple at all. Everyone's busy, everyone's stress, but we could all use more calm in our lives, and learning to stay grounded and grateful is truly a daily practice. That's why I've partnered with Calm dot com to bring you the Daily J. If you've ever wanted to meditate with me and take back control over your busy mind, join me on the car map for the Daily J, a daily guided meditation where I'll help you find calm in the chaos, plant beautiful intentions for a happy, abundant life and simple steps for positive actions to get you closer to the life of your dreams. Meditate with me by going to Calm dot com forward slash Jay to get forty percent off a Calm Premium membership that's only forty two dollars for the whole year for daily guided meditations. Experience the Daily J only on Calm. Question number three, what do I do that makes you feel confident. This is a wonderful question to ask someone. When you have trust in a business, when you have trust in a relationship, that person makes you feel confident. If you think about the relationships that we don't like in our life, and if we think about a relationship that we're struggling with, it's because that person doesn't make us feel confident. In a dating relationship, if someone makes you feel insecure, you don't know if you trust them. In a business relationship, if you can't count on someone, if someone isn't reliable, that means you don't have confidence in them, you don't trust them. And ultimately, if you can't expect that a fund will be there when you need them, you don't have confidence in them. So when you say what do I do that makes you feel confident, you get a chance to see the level of trust you have in a relationship. So if you say what do I do that makes you feel confident and they say, well, you always compliment me, You're always noticing the good in me. That's beautiful. They recognize that if you say what do I do that makes you feel confident and they say, well, you know, from a work perspective, I always feel organized because I know you're on top of my schedule. This allows you to repeat that habit, and it allows that person to acknowledge that you make them feel confident. It deepens trust, It deepens your bond and relationships in ways that you can't imagine. So that's question number three, and really it's for your repetition. It's so that you can repeat that action to build confidence, to build trust in that relationship. How many of you want to be in relationships that are trusting, that are building confidence. Question number four is what do I do that makes you anxious? What do I do that I might not even be aware of that makes you anxious? What do I do that makes you feel uncomfortable that I might not even be aware of. I might actually be thinking I'm helping. I realized. With me and Radi, I would always ask her a question. I'd always say to well, let's go through your work schedule, like how are you feeling about what's coming up this week? And she'd always be like, I don't want to talk about that, And she later on when I asked her this question, told me, hey, I feel anxious when you talk to me about work on the weekends. Because I just want to switch up from everything. And I was like, wow, that's so interest because I always thought I was helping you plan. And we judge ourselves by our intention, not by the effect of how it makes that person feel. But how that person feels is more important than our intentions. So when I ask Rady, hey, let's talk about your work schedule, I have great intentions. I love her and I want to help her. But if my intention is that but it makes her feel uncomfortable, then I need to change that. So what do I do that makes you feel anxious? What do I do that makes you feel uncomfortable? Is a great question to allow the other person to be vulnerable with you and for you to gain awareness. And I think for so many people we don't want to ask this question because we want to think we do everything right and we think that our intention is right. Therefore, when we're not worried about well, we're like, well, what could I do to make them feel anxious? Because I love them, I care about them. You can still make someone feel anxious even if you care about them, if you've not understood how they receive it. Let me repeat that, you can still make someone feel anxious even if you love them, if you don't know how your actions and words impact them, If you are not aware of how your actions and behavior and your words make someone feel, it doesn't matter how much you love them, they can still feel anxious and uncomfortable. I once said to someone on my team, what do I do that makes you feel uncomfortable? What do I do that makes you feel anxious? They said, Jay, you are always onto the next, You're always changing, You're always iterating, and that makes me feel uncomfortable because I don't feel like what I've done is good enough. And I thought, wow, this is amazing, Like because I would compliment, I would congratulate, but still that wasn't enough. And they said, well, sometimes I just need to feel like reminded again that we did get someone. I'm like, wow, thank you so much for that, Like, thank you for giving me that feedback. So when you ask someone for this, you get so many wonderful, profound responses. I want you to really test this out. The reason I'm doing this episode instead of just giving you principles, I'm trying to give you questions because I want you to try these out. I want you to test them out. I want to give you real tools on this podcast, not just ideas or concepts, but tools that you can practice with someone you work with, someone you love, someone you have a deep friendship with, whoever it may be. Because I want you to get this clarity in your relationship. See relationships deepen when there's clarity. We always say, oh, the importance behind the relationship is communication, But the key to good communication is clarity. And you only get clarity when you ask great questions. Okay, Question number five is what is your love language? We all know the book Love Languages that Gary Chapman made to five love languages. If you don't know it, it's an awesome theory. The idea of you all like to receive love in different ways, but we often give love in the way we want to receive it, not in the way someone else wants to receive it. So the five love languages are words of affirmation, physical touch, receiving gifts, quality time, and acts of service. So words of affirmation is people in our lives who like to be reminded through words that they have achieved something, that they are worthy, that they are loved. Right. The idea that we need a love note, we need a text. We need encouragement, words of affirmation. You know people in your life and we all need all of these, but we need them in an order. Second is physical touch, holding hands, hugs, morning cuddles. Right. Whatever it may be physical touch, it could also be a gentle hand just to say yeah, I'm here with you, I'm here for you. Right, It's all nonverbal. It's party language based. Receiving gifts, I mean, this was a big one for me. For a long long time. I love receiving gifts and giving gifts, but I realized they're not everyone in my life needs gifts and the way I do. So I love receiving gifts, like absolutely love personalized gifts, and I love giving people personalized gifts. And I start to realize that people didn't respond to gifts in the way I did. So some people when they got gifts from me, no matter how amazing they were, they were like, yeah, that's great, thank you, But really they wanted the next one quality time. They wanted quality time. And this is the thing about love languages. You can't buy someone over with words of affirmation if really they're what they want is quality time. You can't replace physical touch with a gift. And then the last fifth one is acts of service. People want support, people want to help when you go out of your way. I had one friend who wants acts of service, and so nothing else is considered as important as an act of service. She feels you can't be a friend if there hasn't been an act of service. Asking your partner what their love language is is a really useful skill, a really powerful skill, because it gives that opportunity. It gives that ability for someone to tell you how they want to be loved now when it's their birthday. If what they want is words of affirmation, you might write them a poem. You might write them the longest card ever. You might write them a secret clue that leads to all these different things that they learn about themselves. If someone wants acts of service, you may make them breakfast in bed instead of buying them a gift. And often you're like, well, I just brought you an amazing gift. Why aren't you happy? And they're like, but I'm really looking for acts of service. So asking someone what their love languages helps you love them better. And that could be a work colleague and be a friend. It could be anyone in your life. The sixth question, which is stuff that I'm really working on right now that I can't wait to share with you in my next book, is what's your fight style? Do you run away and need to be alone? Do you want to talk it out? Or are you someone that needs to scream and shout? Like do I need to get used to that? Do I need to be aware of that? What I love about these questions is you also get to open up about your answers. When you've asked a question, you get to then share with the other person how you feel, what you're going through, what you're experiencing as well. So fight styles now, I know, like Rady, she needs to sit and reflect and I want to talk it out. We're both not shoudy people, were not overly aggravated people. But in the beginning I would be like, oh, well, if you don't want to talk about it, that means you don't care about it, and she'd be like, I do care about it, but I need to think about it. And then I'd be like, all right, well, let's meet in the middle. When do we talk about this. Let's set a time so that we do get there. A lot of this requires cooperation. But if we don't have the basic cooperation, chances are we don't really have a strong relationship. And that's painful to understand. But it's true that a relationship requires a lot of collaboration and cooperations. So if we're not collaborating and cooperating on this makes it really tough. So truthfully, understanding each other's fight style saves you a lot of energy in time. If you never ask that question, you left guessing, wishing, waiting, hoping. So many different things that are going on right, so many different things. Now. The seventh question is, and this is the toughest one, the hardest one, is this relationship going in the direction you want it to go? If not, what is the direction? And shall we both commit to that? Can we both commit to that? This is one of those questions that you wait to ask when you feel really confident in a relationship. I just spent the last couple of days with my business partner behind all of our incredible programs. If you're not a Genius member, makes you check out jus dot com. Big shout out to all our Genius members listening to our coaching certification, our accredited coaches, our life coaches jcaching dot com. My friend and business partner who helped develop these things with me. We just spent four days together in We hadn't seen each other during the pandemic because he lives in London and I live in la and we were asking this question, are we going in the direction we want to go in? And we've realized that without asking that question, we were moving on default. Things were progressing, we were doing great work, but we couldn't identify the direction we wanted to go in. And now that we've done that over four days, I can't wait for what's coming to you. Like you, I cannot express to you how excited I am about all the amazing updates we have coming your way about what's happening in our world and ecosystem. And that came from asking that question, is this going in the right direction? What can we do to get it in the right direction? We know we believe in each other, we know we're connected, but what do we need to do? These are the seven questions to ask to deepen any relationship and improve vulnerability, intimacy, and connection. Thank you so much for listening. I hope you test these out. Test one of them out. This week. Test one out every day, give it a go in different relationships and watch how your life changes. Thanks for listening. I'll be back next week with two extra exciting episodes. Of course, you can listen every day. We've got an amazing library. I'll see you soon. Thanks everyone,

You can still make someone feel anxious even if you love them, if you don't know how your actions and words impact them. If you are not aware of how your actions and behavior and your words make someone feel, it doesn't matter how much you love them, they can still feel anxious and uncomfortable. Hey, everyone, welcome back to you On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every single one of you who are just so dedicated and so committed to your growth. It is unbelievable. If you're listening right now, I want you to take a moment to just smile at yourself, with yourself, to congratulate yourself for showing up, for turning up. We're so hard on ourselves. But remember every time you're committing to on Purpose, every time you're committing to your workouts, every time you're commit to any form of personal growth, whether you're reading, listening, learning, jumping, whatever you're up to walking, congratulations, take a moment to really acknowledge yourself, to recognize yourself. And I want to take a moment to recognize all of you because you've all been listening every single day. I know so many of you are listening to multiple episodes per week, and we're seeing that in the reviews, in the stats. It is unbelievable. And I could not thank you more honestly for your support on purpose and the next few months are exceptionally important, and I couldn't thank you more. And I am so excited because the guests that we have coming over the next few months until the end of this year are just unbelievable. Unbelievable. You have no idea what's coming your way, and I can't tell you because I'm excited for you. Just keep a lookout, make sure that you've subscribed to the podcast on the app that you're listening on. Make sure that turned notifications on my Instagram for j Y and JTI podcast. I just don't want you to miss out. So today this episode is a really special one as well, because I really wanted to address our relationships. Now. We always hear that our relationships are important. We know that, but often it's really hard. How many times do you sit at dinner with someone you love and you struggle to have a meaningful conversation and you spend your time on your phone, maybe in the car on the way back in the evening, you wish you had more deeper connection. Or how many of you turn on a show because it's it's an easier way to spend time together than starting an actual discussion. How many of you don't know what to talk about? How many of you run out of topics, maybe you run out of conversation ideas, especially if you've been together for a while now, whether you're talking about a business relationship, a romantic relationship, a family relationship, or a friendship, these seven questions I'm going to introduce you today are going to make a huge difference in your life. And the reason they make a difference is because they all allow you to create vulnerability, create connection, and create intimacy. Especially as relationships deeper. We're not always going to learn something new about someone. We may feel there's nothing left to learn, but you can always learn something new about them, even if it's by going deeper. Sometimes it's no longer about going wider, it's about going deeper, and these questions allow that. So that's the intimacy part. The second thing I said was vulnerability. We know that relationships that have vulnerability actually bring people closer together. We feel if we don't have arguments, if we avoid uncomfortable conversations then will be closer. What you don't realize is that avoiding a two our argument could create a two week issue. A two our argument could save you from two weeks of pain and issues. So these conversations may be thought provoking and challenging and difficult in the beginning, but they can actually help us. And the third thing I mentioned was connection. A lot of the times when we talk, we talk about ourselves, and we don't talk about ourselves in relation to the person we have a relationship with. And so you're not often talking about your relationship. You might be talking about your to do list, you might be talking about your weekend plans, you might be talking about your work plans, but you're not talking about the relationship. And these seven questions are designed to help you have healthier, more powerful, more productive conversations in your relationship. Now, I'm really excited to walk through these with you, So make sure you have a notepad and pen, and if you walking or driving or whatever it may be, remember to share this episode with someone later. Take a screenshot message it. I love all the posts on Instagram and Twitter and Facebook that I've been seeing going up the TikTok Oh my gosh, those of you sharing with the audio on TikTok, thank you so much so. The first question I want to introduce to you, This question is what am I doing right that I should do more of? What is it that I'm doing that you notice and appreciate. What is it that I'm doing that you actually think is good and you'd love for me to do it more because it works. Notice how you could ask this to a romantic partner or a work partner, whoever it may be. A friend. What this allows for you is that it boosts your own self esteem. You recognize that the person you're sitting with does recognize your hard work, your effort. They do recognize the energy you're putting into it, They do recognize the amount of input you have. And often, if that person doesn't have a natural way of reminding you of this, you forget, and in your head you build the narrative that they don't care, they don't notice me, they don't appreciate me, they avoid me. It's really fascinating to me to see that that we build up stories in our head without actually checking in with the other person. When you say to the other person, what am I doing right that I should do more of They get to tell you well. I love the way you send emails in an organized way. I love that you message me you love me in the morning. I love that whenever I need you you always pick up. And all of a sudden, you feel appreciated, You feel considered, you feel heard, you feel seen. All of those things that you didn't feel just a moment ago. You get a chance to alleviate. You get a chance to recognize that actually the person you think doesn't notice you notices you more than you think they notice you. You with me, and what it does for the other person is really special. It gives them an opportunity to compliment you or share gratitude with you. Often, what I find is that because we haven't been trained in gratitude, because we haven't been accustomed to learn how to give genuine compliments, we struggle. And so often someone that you're with or someone that you're working with, may not even know that you need that, They may not know how to do it, They may feel uncomfortable. I often have people I had a review for the podcast the other day, thank you for everyone leaving reviews. I read a review that just said jay I don't want to be excited, but I just love this podcast that I was thinking. But that's not overly excited. I appreciate that. But people are scared of sharing compliments and gratitude. Are you asking this question? What am I doing right that I should do more of? Not only do you get a chance to hear that this person does care about you, they do notice you, you also give them an opportunity to practice gratitude and complimenting, which is healthy for their mental health and their well being. Now, let's look at the awkward scenario where you ask this question and the person has nothing to say. Right, Let's say you ask this question and the person has nothing to say. You're now recognizing that there is a bit of a way to go. Whether that person isn't aware, whether they really don't notice, whether they're not conscious. This is an opportunity for you to recognize where you stand with someone based on the quality of their response. The response may be immediate, their response may be thoughtful. They may pause for a while, and that's fine because that shows a sign of a genuine answer. But if they say, well, I don't think anything, I think everything's fine, don't get angry at them, don't get mad at them, don't get upset with them, say think about it, come back to me when you've thought about it, and give them some time. Let them maybe sit with it for a week. Let them really sit with that, because they may give you a really thoughtful response. So that's question number one. The second question is what should I do less of? See, you just asked for something that created a compliment or gratitude. Now you want to ask for feedback. Do it in this order? What is it that I do that I should do less of? Is there something that I do right now that you'd like me to do a little less of? This is really powerful. You're asking for feedback without saying do you have feedback for me? You're actually asking for a chance to improve. You're asking for a chance to allow that person to share. If you really love them, if you really care about them, and you believe they care about you, isn't it healthy for them to say, Hey, I feel like every time I get home, you're always asking me about my day, and I get really tired to answer that. Then I'd love to answer that a bit later, or you always ask me really important questions while I'm on my phone. And please, next time, just say to me, hey, can you just please not be on your phone while I ask you this? And I'll give you more attention. Right, So, there's so many ways of using this as an opportunity to create a healthier and more powerful connection. We rarely ask for feedback in relationships because what happens in relationships is we think the other person should know. We think the other person should read our mind. We think that the other persion should already be aware, or we don't give it because we're scared. We're scared, and therefore, when you ask someone, you're opening up a safe space. But you've got to be ready to ask in Why will you be ready because you'll understand that no matter what they say is not personal to you. It's about a pattern, a trait, a habit, but it's not about you. Now you'll say, well, Jay, what do you mean? Of course it's about me. If they're telling me that I need to be less distracted when I'm on my phone, how is that not about me? You're not a distracted person. You're a person who has distractions. So making time and now being able to be present is actually helping you too. Stress anxiety, overwhelm, burnout. What do all of these have in common? A lack of perceived control over your time, thoughts, and tasks. But what if I told you fixing all of these problems is as simple as fixing your mindset towards them. I know, not simple at all. Everyone's busy, everyone's stress, but we could all use more calm in our lives, and learning to stay grounded and grateful is truly a daily practice. That's why I've partnered with Calm dot com to bring you the Daily J. If you've ever wanted to meditate with me and take back control over your busy mind, join me on the car map for the Daily J, a daily guided meditation where I'll help you find calm in the chaos, plant beautiful intentions for a happy, abundant life and simple steps for positive actions to get you closer to the life of your dreams. Meditate with me by going to Calm dot com forward slash Jay to get forty percent off a Calm Premium membership that's only forty two dollars for the whole year for daily guided meditations. Experience the Daily J only on Calm. Question number three, what do I do that makes you feel confident. This is a wonderful question to ask someone. When you have trust in a business, when you have trust in a relationship, that person makes you feel confident. If you think about the relationships that we don't like in our life, and if we think about a relationship that we're struggling with, it's because that person doesn't make us feel confident. In a dating relationship, if someone makes you feel insecure, you don't know if you trust them. In a business relationship, if you can't count on someone, if someone isn't reliable, that means you don't have confidence in them, you don't trust them. And ultimately, if you can't expect that a fund will be there when you need them, you don't have confidence in them. So when you say what do I do that makes you feel confident, you get a chance to see the level of trust you have in a relationship. So if you say what do I do that makes you feel confident and they say, well, you always compliment me, You're always noticing the good in me. That's beautiful. They recognize that if you say what do I do that makes you feel confident and they say, well, you know, from a work perspective, I always feel organized because I know you're on top of my schedule. This allows you to repeat that habit, and it allows that person to acknowledge that you make them feel confident. It deepens trust, It deepens your bond and relationships in ways that you can't imagine. So that's question number three, and really it's for your repetition. It's so that you can repeat that action to build confidence, to build trust in that relationship. How many of you want to be in relationships that are trusting, that are building confidence. Question number four is what do I do that makes you anxious? What do I do that I might not even be aware of that makes you anxious? What do I do that makes you feel uncomfortable that I might not even be aware of. I might actually be thinking I'm helping. I realized. With me and Radi, I would always ask her a question. I'd always say to well, let's go through your work schedule, like how are you feeling about what's coming up this week? And she'd always be like, I don't want to talk about that, And she later on when I asked her this question, told me, hey, I feel anxious when you talk to me about work on the weekends. Because I just want to switch up from everything. And I was like, wow, that's so interest because I always thought I was helping you plan. And we judge ourselves by our intention, not by the effect of how it makes that person feel. But how that person feels is more important than our intentions. So when I ask Rady, hey, let's talk about your work schedule, I have great intentions. I love her and I want to help her. But if my intention is that but it makes her feel uncomfortable, then I need to change that. So what do I do that makes you feel anxious? What do I do that makes you feel uncomfortable? Is a great question to allow the other person to be vulnerable with you and for you to gain awareness. And I think for so many people we don't want to ask this question because we want to think we do everything right and we think that our intention is right. Therefore, when we're not worried about well, we're like, well, what could I do to make them feel anxious? Because I love them, I care about them. You can still make someone feel anxious even if you care about them, if you've not understood how they receive it. Let me repeat that, you can still make someone feel anxious even if you love them, if you don't know how your actions and words impact them, If you are not aware of how your actions and behavior and your words make someone feel, it doesn't matter how much you love them, they can still feel anxious and uncomfortable. I once said to someone on my team, what do I do that makes you feel uncomfortable? What do I do that makes you feel anxious? They said, Jay, you are always onto the next, You're always changing, You're always iterating, and that makes me feel uncomfortable because I don't feel like what I've done is good enough. And I thought, wow, this is amazing, Like because I would compliment, I would congratulate, but still that wasn't enough. And they said, well, sometimes I just need to feel like reminded again that we did get someone. I'm like, wow, thank you so much for that, Like, thank you for giving me that feedback. So when you ask someone for this, you get so many wonderful, profound responses. I want you to really test this out. The reason I'm doing this episode instead of just giving you principles, I'm trying to give you questions because I want you to try these out. I want you to test them out. I want to give you real tools on this podcast, not just ideas or concepts, but tools that you can practice with someone you work with, someone you love, someone you have a deep friendship with, whoever it may be. Because I want you to get this clarity in your relationship. See relationships deepen when there's clarity. We always say, oh, the importance behind the relationship is communication, But the key to good communication is clarity. And you only get clarity when you ask great questions. Okay, Question number five is what is your love language? We all know the book Love Languages that Gary Chapman made to five love languages. If you don't know it, it's an awesome theory. The idea of you all like to receive love in different ways, but we often give love in the way we want to receive it, not in the way someone else wants to receive it. So the five love languages are words of affirmation, physical touch, receiving gifts, quality time, and acts of service. So words of affirmation is people in our lives who like to be reminded through words that they have achieved something, that they are worthy, that they are loved. Right. The idea that we need a love note, we need a text. We need encouragement, words of affirmation. You know people in your life and we all need all of these, but we need them in an order. Second is physical touch, holding hands, hugs, morning cuddles. Right. Whatever it may be physical touch, it could also be a gentle hand just to say yeah, I'm here with you, I'm here for you. Right, It's all nonverbal. It's party language based. Receiving gifts, I mean, this was a big one for me. For a long long time. I love receiving gifts and giving gifts, but I realized they're not everyone in my life needs gifts and the way I do. So I love receiving gifts, like absolutely love personalized gifts, and I love giving people personalized gifts. And I start to realize that people didn't respond to gifts in the way I did. So some people when they got gifts from me, no matter how amazing they were, they were like, yeah, that's great, thank you, But really they wanted the next one quality time. They wanted quality time. And this is the thing about love languages. You can't buy someone over with words of affirmation if really they're what they want is quality time. You can't replace physical touch with a gift. And then the last fifth one is acts of service. People want support, people want to help when you go out of your way. I had one friend who wants acts of service, and so nothing else is considered as important as an act of service. She feels you can't be a friend if there hasn't been an act of service. Asking your partner what their love language is is a really useful skill, a really powerful skill, because it gives that opportunity. It gives that ability for someone to tell you how they want to be loved now when it's their birthday. If what they want is words of affirmation, you might write them a poem. You might write them the longest card ever. You might write them a secret clue that leads to all these different things that they learn about themselves. If someone wants acts of service, you may make them breakfast in bed instead of buying them a gift. And often you're like, well, I just brought you an amazing gift. Why aren't you happy? And they're like, but I'm really looking for acts of service. So asking someone what their love languages helps you love them better. And that could be a work colleague and be a friend. It could be anyone in your life. The sixth question, which is stuff that I'm really working on right now that I can't wait to share with you in my next book, is what's your fight style? Do you run away and need to be alone? Do you want to talk it out? Or are you someone that needs to scream and shout? Like do I need to get used to that? Do I need to be aware of that? What I love about these questions is you also get to open up about your answers. When you've asked a question, you get to then share with the other person how you feel, what you're going through, what you're experiencing as well. So fight styles now, I know, like Rady, she needs to sit and reflect and I want to talk it out. We're both not shoudy people, were not overly aggravated people. But in the beginning I would be like, oh, well, if you don't want to talk about it, that means you don't care about it, and she'd be like, I do care about it, but I need to think about it. And then I'd be like, all right, well, let's meet in the middle. When do we talk about this. Let's set a time so that we do get there. A lot of this requires cooperation. But if we don't have the basic cooperation, chances are we don't really have a strong relationship. And that's painful to understand. But it's true that a relationship requires a lot of collaboration and cooperations. So if we're not collaborating and cooperating on this makes it really tough. So truthfully, understanding each other's fight style saves you a lot of energy in time. If you never ask that question, you left guessing, wishing, waiting, hoping. So many different things that are going on right, so many different things. Now. The seventh question is, and this is the toughest one, the hardest one, is this relationship going in the direction you want it to go? If not, what is the direction? And shall we both commit to that? Can we both commit to that? This is one of those questions that you wait to ask when you feel really confident in a relationship. I just spent the last couple of days with my business partner behind all of our incredible programs. If you're not a Genius member, makes you check out jus dot com. Big shout out to all our Genius members listening to our coaching certification, our accredited coaches, our life coaches jcaching dot com. My friend and business partner who helped develop these things with me. We just spent four days together in We hadn't seen each other during the pandemic because he lives in London and I live in la and we were asking this question, are we going in the direction we want to go in? And we've realized that without asking that question, we were moving on default. Things were progressing, we were doing great work, but we couldn't identify the direction we wanted to go in. And now that we've done that over four days, I can't wait for what's coming to you. Like you, I cannot express to you how excited I am about all the amazing updates we have coming your way about what's happening in our world and ecosystem. And that came from asking that question, is this going in the right direction? What can we do to get it in the right direction? We know we believe in each other, we know we're connected, but what do we need to do? These are the seven questions to ask to deepen any relationship and improve vulnerability, intimacy, and connection. Thank you so much for listening. I hope you test these out. Test one of them out. This week. Test one out every day, give it a go in different relationships and watch how your life changes. Thanks for listening. I'll be back next week with two extra exciting episodes. Of course, you can listen every day. We've got an amazing library. I'll see you soon. Thanks everyone,