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Falling out of love is the hardest part in any relationship. When love is gone, we lose interest and compassion, and we eventually disconnect from our partner. When the connection starts to wane, we become less intimate, we become less passionate, we become less of a couple. Eventually, we lose the partnership we worked so hard to build in the early stages of the relationship.
In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty shares with us different ways to reignite intimacy more naturally to further strengthen our relationship and build better connection with our partner.
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Key Takeaways:
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If you shut down your partner's opinions, you're not creating a safe, vulnerable space for you to connect. People think if I agree with my partner, then we go deeper. That's not true, But don't also try and disagree. Listen, let them express, and instead of jumping to your conclusion to defend your point of view, asked, why do you feel that way? Where did that thought process come from? How do you think we could avoid that? Could? I ask you if you could ever see that differently? These are great questions. Hey, everyone, welcome back to our Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every single one of you that come back every week to listen, learn and grow. Now. I know that you want to build deeper, more powerful, more fulfilling relationships, but it's not always easy and it can be really truly challenging. There can be so many new issues, new discoveries, old trauma, old baggage that comes into a relationship that can affect it at any point at any time. And today I want to discuss the methods to improve intimacy, to stop a relationship from getting boring or breaking. It's so often, isn't it that a relationship in the beginning is full of sparks, it's full of excitement, it's full of that chemistry. We feel that attraction, we feel that positive flow of energy, and then a couple of years later, and a couple of years after that, we forget that that even existed. And maybe now there's someone else that we're feeling a bit of attraction or chemistry towards. Maybe we're not, maybe we're not feeling it at all, and we want it back with this person. Here's the thing. If you're at breaking point, or you're at boredom, or you want to learn how to build intimacy, this episode is for you. Those are the three things that we experience. You either need to learn how to build intimacy, or you're bored and therefore you need to know how to build intimacy, or you're at breaking point and you need to see whether there's any intimacy at all. Now I'm going to read the Dictionary definition of intimacy, because I think even these words need to be better defined. You can hear me googling away to check it for you. Intimacy means close familiarity or friendship closeness. Now, when you hear that you think, actually, familiarity is the thing that makes relationships boring. It's actually what causes the issue. So what is the difference between intimacy and familiarity. Intimacy is the feeling of closeness. Familiarity is being close, right, There's a difference between being close and the feeling of closeness. You can be physically close to someone. You can live in the same home or apartment. You can have a close proximity to another human being. Proximity can equal familiarity, but proximity does not equal a feeling of closeness. For example, you can even live next door to someone, but just because you live next door to them doesn't mean you feel close to them. Just because you live in the same house as someone else does not mean you feel close to them. We want to feel close to the people that were close to We don't only want to be close to them. Isn't that true? Isn't that the case. You don't just want to be close to someone, You want to feel close to someone. You want them to feel close to you as well. How do we deepen our closeness with the people we want to have long lasting relationships with? That's what this episode is dedicated to. The first principle is if you want to feel close to someone, you have to disclose more of yourself. We feel closer to people when we allow them to get closer to the real us. The Japanese say that we have three faces. The first you show to the world, the second you show to your close friends and your family. The third is the one you never show to anyone, and it's the truest reflection of who you are. Now. Whether you think this is true or not, what it shows us is that there are multiple identities in a relationship, and studies show that as we become more vulnerable with people, the closer they feel to us and the closer we feel to them. This is why you don't tell your life story to a stranger or someone you've just met. Right. You don't tell your life story just because you find someone interesting and attractive. We are careful about when we disclose information about our lives. But if you're in a place in your life where you're starting to recognize that the intimacy is waning and the intimacy is becoming weaker, chances are that you're not sharing your innermost deeper thoughts and ideas with that person. Now, why does that happen in a relationship? Often because we think, well, I haven't had any newer thoughts, so I haven't had any deeper ideas. And why is that? Because we haven't spent time with developing ourselves. We haven't invested in ourselves. If we're always growing, we always have something to amazing to share. I realize this when I've been reading, when I've been learning, I have so much to share. I have so many stories to tell. But when I'm not doing that personal inner work, I might start to think that I'm boring. I might start to think I have nothing to share. I might start to think that life is the same. And so this is a reflection that's saying, if you're growing, you're going to feel like you can help your partnership grow. You will have more to be intimate about, you will have more to be vulnerable with, because if you're not growing, then you're not able to help your partner learn more about you. So I want you to really consider that as the first point today, that we need to disclose more about ourselves. But if you're three four years in, you may say, well, we know a lot about each other. But it's your responsibility to educate your partner or more about you, and there will only be more about you when you invest more in yourself. Right. And the important thing about this principle is that you have to make time to do the inner work and time to share these moments. Right. If we don't make time to really express what we're going through and what we're experiencing, it's really difficult. I know a lot of couples who say, well, we have nothing in common. If we sat together at dinner, then we'd have nothing to talk about. This is what you talk about. We think that, oh, don't be too deep, let's just have fun. That's what helps us bond. Vulnerability and intimacy go hand in hand. When we disclose more, when we're more vulnerable, when we share more, that's what deepens our bond. Do not think of it as something as like, oh, this is getting too close, this is too serious. Now. This is what creates depth. Now. The second principle, which is really huge, is about doing something fresh together right. You will never have a reset or refresh in a relationship if you keep doing the same old thing again and again and again. Everyone has their typical date night, dinner in a movie, or hang out with friends by Netflix and chill. The more you repeat the same old activity, your intimacy weakens. Your intimacy does not strengthen because you're doing the same thing, learning the same thing about your partner. The reason why doing new things is important is because in that new you learn something new about your partner. Now, this is very key that neither of you can be a row. It's not like saying, hey, I love crypto, come with me to a crypto conference. No, you both need to be novices in the area. When you're both novices, it's equal ground. The challenge with relationships and why we don't build intimacies because one of us says, oh, I already know that, I know how that works. You want to create a space where both of you feel, hey, I have no idea how this works. We're both going to learn something new today. We're both going to feel uncomfortable today, We're both going to need each other today, We're both going to rely on each other today. All of a sudden, intimacy starts to build. Right, Intimacy starts to build because now we're genuinely exposing ourselves to each other. So now we're learning new things about ourselves. That's why when you're on whether it's a first date or a hundredth date, doing something new together is highly effective because you actually get to see the other person in action. Step number three. Step number three is take on a project together. If you're losing intimacy, it's because your lives are completely separate. Now, there are three relationships in a relationship. There's the relationship that person has with themselves and their purpose. There's a relationship you have with yourself and your purpose, and then you have a relationship together. And often none of these are prioritized and none of them have a goal. We believe our relationship with each other is we watch shows together and we're committed together. That person has their job, I have my job, and that's it. But you have to take on a project together. Right, When you take a project together, you deepen your intimacy and you deepen your commitment. Now, there's something really interesting that I read in a brilliant study, and it was talking about how when there's a marriage between these two individuals and it was stagnating. So what they decided to do as a family was to create a project of a year long sailing trip in the Caribbean. And as they started to plan this really long, crazy trip, they actually felt closer because of it. They had to plan a routine to spend time together to develop the idea, They had to schedule proper quality discussions and brainstorms. They now got to see the creativity of each other. So often you have to invent a fake project, a project that you're building towards that you both can commit to that helps you understand each other better. And often we need something external to pull us there, to drive us there. Right, it doesn't have to be something that's hugely meaningful. It could be saying, let's plan our vacation together this year, right, let's schedule time every week to do this, to really hear about our likes and what's going to make it amazing. When you take on a project together, you naturally build intimacy and connection, and for me, projects are a really beautiful way because it's bringing a goal in together. If you notice relationships lose or never have goals when you first get together, the goal maybe well, let's figure out if we're right for each other. Okay, now we figured out we're right for each other. The goal is, okay, should we move in together? Okay, we're moving in together, all right, whether we get married or not. Let's say we get married or we don't get married, we're out together. The goal stop. Okay, maybe the goal is to start a family. But then once we have kids and we're raising them, where does the goal go? And the goalpost just get lost. A project gives you a very tangible, short term goal or a long term goal that prioritizes and focuses your connection on something meaningful. Otherwise, you can often wonder why are we even together? Because we enjoy each other's company. Okay, sure, but what are we doing with that? For me? And these things have really been powerful for us. Before the pandemic, we used to do these events at our home where we would invite our closest friends and have these deep, beautiful meditations at our homes. They were so incredible and we cannot wait to start doing them again because they bonded our community. They built us the most beautiful community that we have here in La because of those events. Now, those events gave our relationship purpose because we both deeply value meditation and well being and spirituality, and those events allowed us to serve our friends together. So rather would be planning the menu and the decor and design, I'd be doing the guest list, the invite and making sure that all the logistics were planned, and it would be such a fun thing to do together. We used to do around three per year, and I'd be thinking about the musicians that we'd invite, and just doing that together brought so much joy and there was such a sense of accomplishment. After the event would be over, and after the evening was over, we'd feel so deeply joyful and grateful that that was something we achieved together. And I think this is really critical that as a couple in a relationship, we have to achieve things together. We may be achieving things in our personal life and our private life and our own careers. What are we achieving together? What are we breaking through together? And it doesn't have to be huge like os wasn't awards. It was an event and that escalated and scaled as we started to do more together where we decided we wanted to do Sarma, and Sarma came very late in our life. Our tea company, Sarma was you know, after five years of being married that it came into our lives. But when I think about how it all started, it started with these well being based events where we would serve tea, where we would serve food. And so you never know where something's going to go, You never know how something's going to grow. But it's a really, really powerful thing for you to think about. The next principle is you have to make sure that you're creating a sanctuary, safe space for your partner to truly be honest with you. We often say we want honest communication. We often say that I really truly want to be able to have real conversations with you. But then when our partner says something that may be true but it triggers us, we retaliate say no, no, no, I don't want to hear that. No, why do you think that right? Why is that your opinion that I don't like the way you think? And I see this more often than not in relationships. I was with a couple the other day and one of the partners told me that whenever they talk about this to their partner, their partner just judges them. And what that does is that judgment makes them more quiet, It makes them less vulnerable, it makes them less honest. It's not that it makes them dishonest, it just makes them disclose less. And I wonder how many of us have stopped disclosing things in our relationships because we feel judged because of how we feel. We feel that our opinions are not appreciated, or that our partner can't even entertain our opinion. And this is something that I find fascinating that if you love someone, or if you're trying to love someone, or you're investing in a relationship with someone, be open to give their opinions an opportunity, Be open enough to give their opinions an opportunity. If you shut down your partner's opinions, you are not creating a safe, vulnerable space for you to connect. You don't have to agree to connect, you don't have to disagree. That definitely leads to disconnect. People think, if I agree with my partner, then we go deeper. If they agree with me, we go deeper. That's not true. But don't also try and disagree. Listen, allow let them express why do they feel that way? And instead of jumping to your conclusion to defend your point of view, ask why do you feel that way? Where did that thought process come from. How do you think we could avoid that? Could? I ask you if you could ever see that differently? These are great questions, whereas so often in our relationships we just say, well I disagree with that. No, no, no, that's not true. Stop talking to your friends about that. How many times have you ever been in this situation? More often than not, I'm sure, And it's something to pay attention to because often not disclosing information or not creating a space a closeness to disclose information can lead to disconnection. I want to share with you the biggest news of the year. How many of you want to meditate? I can see your heads nodding, I can see you raising your hands. I can see you saying, yes, Jay, I really want to learn to meditate. How many of you would like to learn to meditate with me? Every single day? Now, I already know what the answer is because I know how many messages DMS reviews notes that I get saying Jay, I'd love to meditate with you. Last year, we took meditation to Instagram and I meditated for around forty days live and twenty million of you tuned in. Now I am taking that same focus, that same presence to Calm. I've partnered up with Calm to release a new series called The Daily Jay where you can meditate with me every single day for seven minutes to make it a real habit. I would love for you to come and join me and take part in building a really powerful meditation practice and guess what we're going to do it together. Head over right now to Calm dot com forward slash j to get forty percent off a premium membership. That's Calm dot com Forward slash J. One thing about intimacy is it is created by expressing gratitude with vulnerability too. So just as we need a space where we can be honest about what we want our partner to improve or something we're struggling with, we also need an opportunity for our partner to know what we love about them. And often when not that clear about what we love about them because we assume that they should know, or we don't want to be cheesy, or we don't want to be predictable, or we think it just sounds like you know, we think it just sounds soft, and often that's the case. Often the cases we stop expressing gratitude or noticing the beauty and what our partner does, says, or achieves. And maybe we wait to birthdays, maybe we wait to Valentine's Day. But what if we didn't wait for any of those days? Right? What if we didn't wait for any of those days? And what if we were able to do it immediately? What if we were able to do it in the moment? And you may be thinking, well, would I thank them every day for cooking for me? And I'd say why not? And you may say, should I thank my partner every day for moving the car so that I could leave on time? Why not? Should you thank your partner every day for preparing your tea or coffee? Why not? Why would we not take that opportunity? Because I tell you what, the effort it takes to express that gratitude is nothing compared to the regret we face if we never got to say it again? Right, when you look at things in that context, and I'm not trying to be dark or morbid, I'm just being honest. When you look at things with the context of wouldn't I want them to know if I lost someone, wouldn't I want them to know today how I felt? Or would I been okay that I told them last week, or would I have been okay that I told them last month? And you may say, well, yeah, you can't live life like that, and I would say, well why not, Because I've noticed that when we notice more things about our partners, more often, not only are we reminded of how amazing and incredible they are, they are reminded of how amazing and incredible they are, which rewards our relationship exponentially. It rewards our relationship exponentially. It's absolutely incredible, actually, to be honest, how much compliments and genuine acts of service can make such a big difference in relationships. Now, I want you to think about your intimacy and your growth. If you ended up feeling bored or you feel you're at that verge of things breaking apart, chances are it's because you haven't watered the tree for a while. You haven't watered the plant. There's a beautiful thought, an idea which is often accredited to the Buddha, where the question is asked, what's the difference between I like you and I love you? And the Buddha replies, when you like a flower, you just pluck it, maybe you smell it. But when you love a flower, you water it daily. If we stop watering the flower of our relationship, the plant of our relationship, the tree of our relationship, it stops growing, and most of us stop watering it as soon as we have it. It's almost like saying, as soon as I have the flower, as soon as the flower grows, we're going to stop watering it, because the flowers grown now. But what happens The flower starts to wild, everything starts to fall apart, starts to die. If your relationship is dying, it's not because the person was wrong. It's not because you did made the wrong decision. It's because we stopped watering it. And guess what the same thing is going to happen. You may say, well, why don't I just buy a new plant? Right? How many times have you ever had a plant? How many of you are not good with plants? Be honest, I'm putting my hand up right now, right and your plant dies and you say, all right, well, let's just buy another one. And then you have someone going, well, no, let's revive it, right, that's the mentality. Do you want to revive this plant or do you want to move on? But guess what if you move on. You're gonna have to learn to water that plant every day too, So are you just throwing this away because you don't want to make the effort? And that's why the real question in a relationship is do I want to learn with this person? And do I want to grow with this person? Right? That's how you create intimacy, is that you choose learning and growth together. You're going to have to learn and grow with someone. Everyone is going to demand you to learn and grow in a certain way. The question is do I want to learn and grow with this person? Am I just copying out by saying let's just buy another plant because it's easier. But guess what, I'm going to stop watering that plant when it has a fruit or a flower. I hope that analogy makes sense. I hope that connects with you and resonates with you what I'm trying to explain there. So I want you to try these elements out for intimacy and there are ways in which to create that intimacy quicker. And they're called the five ease experiences, experiments, education, events, and entertainment. So let's start with experiments. You have to experiment together more. Maybe you're going to go to an escape room. Maybe you're going to experiment with a tasting session. Maybe you're going to experiment with trying out something new or experiences. Experiences make sense right, like are you going to experience a new city? Are you going to experience a city by night? Are you going to experience a new country, a new culture, a new cuisine? What are you going to experience together? That's new. Events are really important. When was the last time you went to an event together? A new event together, something you could discuss. That's what an event is, so you can share the event and then share your reviews with each other. Education, When was the last time you took a course together, a workshop together, a class together? And when was the last time, of course, you chose entertainment Like notice our entertainment, which is TV music. That is one fifth of what creates intimacy, and most of us that's the majority of how we try and build intimacy with our parnor let's switch on a show. I'm not saying don't do that. I'm just saying there are four other ways this weekend. I want you to think about one of those other ways and try it out. I want to thank you so much for listening to on purpose. I hope that you'll share this episode with a friend who needs to hear it. I cannot wait to hear your insights. Make sure you tag me on Instagram, on Twitter, on every platform, and I'll see you again next week. Thank you so much for listening, and I just want to take a moment. Actually, I'm going to do this because you're all incredible. I read some amazing reviews this week, and remember when you leave a review, I love to read them, and I recommend leaving your name so that I can thank you personally. So please leave your name because there's so many without names. This is from Carlie. I discovered Jay in this beautiful podcast about a year ago at a time where I was going through major change and uprooting my old habits and belief systems. The divine alignment of these weekly episodes seems to fall into place where I'm at mentally or what I didn't even know what I needed to hear. Always I returned to Jay's words, tests, and even his book to guide me in this young and transformative period of my life. I'm only twenty. I have so much to learn, but I'm truly learning how to learn and love abundantly through these weekly messages. Thank you for being a ritual in my life, a guide and a reminder of returning to my values and purpose. Carly, thank you so so much. This one's from Lindsay. Jay. I could listen and re listen to every episode. They always seem to ebb and flow with my life. I find myself thinking deeper with every new episode, which has allowed me to be more present and calm right now. I'm grateful for this podcast and would love episodes that discuss relationships with family and friends in turmoil. Okay, noted, I'll do that. How to be supportive, assertive, and helpful when times get tough. Thank you for everything, j Lindsay, Lindsay, and Carl, thank you so much for these wonderful, wonderful reviews. I appreciate you, and if all of you get an opportunity take the time to leave a review. They make a big different to podcasters. We now have over seventeen thousand reviews that I'm so grateful for, and I hope we can get to twenty thousand this year. That would be an amazing, amazing goal. Thank you for listening. Everyone, I'll see you soon.