No Autographs, Please!This week Arden and Bryan welcome the always delightful and always hilarious Carl Tart ("Grand Crew," "Star Trek: Lower Decks"!) They talk one-way streets, mopping, and of course no episode would be complete without - you guessed it - sports talk! They then go on a luxurious date to LegoLand. And we got a new listener-submitted recipe for the peanut butter cake! Will it change anything? Fingers crossed!
No, who are you wearing?
Will there be pressed to Ali Baba listen.
She Hurney, Yeah, I didn't And Bryan, I hear it last there and they've got lots of podcast but Honey.
No, no, no, no, Honna grass peace. We live in the glamor lifelike celebrities and sharing up favorite FEMI recipes. But no, no, no, no autographs, no.
Autograph their auto.
Hello, welcome to another episode of no autographs Please. My name is Arta, Marie myn.
He's trying sofy. I have to say, Arden and I were just, yeah, gaffing at each other. Ye because we have not seen it feels like we haven't seen each other and so long, even though I just saw you in New York. Yeah, I missed you so much.
I miss you so much, Michel, and I just say, just hearing the podcast song made me so excited. I don't mean to compliment ourselves why it's a great song.
What was so.
Exciting was doctor Banana can attest to this. We did the live show at Union Hall. You were Miss Michelle Collins was an icon and a queen, I believe it. And oh we gave the example of no autograss please energy being Alaria Baldwin and she'd actually just a Laria. She'd actually just seen her out in public, which was exciting. But beyond that, the fans in the audience were singing along. And we'd only had like three episodes up.
That's incredible. And then Hilaria came through again when he held her like, it's so beautiful.
Who took that photo?
I don't know. I wanted him to breastfeed her so badly. I thought that's where it was going. I have a theory it's one of the kids from the Angle. It's because it was.
A low she didn't Did you know that Hilaria just had a baby and named it allegedly Alaria? Is that correct?
Isn't she wonderful?
You?
Okay? Okay? I also just follow up on a no autograss please Energy, you nominated me with my oatmeal burn. Bring in our guests.
We might as well, because I have to say something about a Hilaria and an Hilaria. Yes, because there's more than one Carl in your family. It's Carl tart Is here.
Yes, okay. You know you know him from comedy band and everything. You know him, You know him. He's one of these stars on Grand Crew, and I've seen him on billboards literally.
Coast Star Trek, he does star Tek.
You've seen he was a writer of Mad TV.
I was. Auntie also just informed me that the Los Angeles Clippers have been around since nineteen eighty four. Wow, I thought they started in two thousand.
Staying here? That et is that et?
I think that was an Etre two thousand.
Yeah, you're two thousand.
Hi, Carl Tar, Hi, how are you?
It's so nice to see.
There are multiple cars and my dad's called on my brother's CARLT who's in town right now.
Way, there's three Karl Tarts in your family? How for you and your brother? Does one go by like senior junior cj G.
But he's younger than me.
He's nine years younger than me, but he's junior because he got the same exact name as my dad.
What's the differ between you and your dad and your brother?
The middle names? Got it? What's your middle name? I can't tell you. I'll tell you off the air. That's fine, that's fine, that's fine, But uh it's Brian.
That's wild. I love it.
So they called me low Carl in the family.
Wow, are you Are you bigger than Are you bigger than c J?
I'm not. He's told me he's he's six four, I'm six three.
Can I just throw out and just say the tarts of good jeans? Can I just say that's a good jeene?
Big do my dad's he was an NFL player, Okay, and so he's a But I was the first born.
Okay, I was born really young. He was real young. Oh. You know what I love about you this moment, In this moment, not only are you giving me basketball history, you're wearing a Dodger's hat and an NBA shirt.
And his dad was an NFL player.
That's like, you know, Diane von Furstenberg with mixed patterns a lot, sort of like Carl.
It is such a joy. You've become a television star.
You become a star. It's incredible.
But are ladies sliding into your dm?
Uh?
Yeah, that happens?
Is that fine?
Yes? It is very very flattering. And you have you met ladies? Dudes? Everybody there was a dude.
Do they call you daddy?
Yeah? They also, you know, because I'm a larger guy. You take that because I've started getting that. How do you take that when people call you that.
Sometimes it makes me feel like I'm older, But I think I think for me more it's about like the weight.
Thing, okay, the like sort of like coming to my arms. Yes, yes, okay.
As a goal, I can say I think the daddy vibe has nothing to do with age, or I think it's like you got your shit together, you like if somebody's in the crazy, they'll take care of it. It's like a vibe of like you're fucking man, you okay.
And they call you daddy, and you think that's the vibe. But then after yes and they say thank you for raising me?
Do you know what I mean?
It makes me sometimes it's a vulnerable moment.
That vulnerable.
Sometimes the daddy stuff makes me want to shave my beard off. You don't want I'm a young, tiny baby boy. I don't want to be with you, car. I know I'm also I'm getting older. I just reached my mid thirties. I'm thirty four now.
Disgusting. Get that is disgusting.
That's so disgusting. What I want to say, I really think as a as a gal, I believe it's like that you're successful, you're taking care of business. I don't think it's an age thing or a beard thing. I don't think it's a build thing. I think it's like, oh, daddy's got a shit together, Daddy has a nice car. Daddy's going to take you to the fucking Lakers game. Like, to me, that's what it is. It's not an eight. I hope I cause I'm sure you'll be called it again. I will do all those so it doesn't have a trigger warning. I think you can go. I think it's like, oh, this is a sexy guy that has his shit together and it's not a baby boy. That's like I'm thinking about taking an improv class.
Yeah, I already did that fifteen years ago. No, I I like it sometimes. And also I'll admit I do daddy things. I agree hot. I build stuff.
That's hot, fix things that's very hot.
Even if it is the build. Yeah, I like that too because I work on it.
I feel like Daddy's a hot compliment. Cadillac though, Oh that's daddy mobile. I remember I worked with Debbie Mayzer years ago when I first started, and she drove a soft top Cadillac and she had two teacup poodles named Dolores and Loretta that she would get their nails done and that was like and she was always she knew people that like if somebody fucked with me, like she was full like old school, connected like mob kind of like that. I loved a soft top like I just was like Debbie May I was. She would make me broccoli rob at her house, and she gave me ad dress that Madonna gave her. She goes, don't tell anyone that knows Madonna. I'm like Debbie, I don't know anybody. Don't worry. Madonna's gonna be fine. I think your secret savor with me, and maybe one of our listeners will now tell Madonna. So that's what I would like to clear up for you. I think it's a compliment. I think it's a hot, sexy compliment. I was going to explain to you, Brian, for one of our neudograss please Energy. You recommended me a few weeks ago, saying that I'd gone to the doctor. I'd burned my mouth on oatmeal numerous times.
Throat Throat Arden explained to us, yes, Carl, that things come out of the microwave and she eats it so fast that it basically hits the back of her throat and burns now. Let me ask you a question, Yes, why do you do that?
Here's what I wanted to say to you guys. I did it again yesterday. Look like I have a lip herpie I gave yesterday. I also something caught off my face today. Here's the thing. I'd overly microwaved it. So then Carl, because I'm ant, because I'm an elegant queen, I was it had cooked over the top. So then I was like, let me clean off this bowl.
And I tried to lick this No no, no, no obsess.
And then I burned my lip and now I look like I have a herpee. So then I went to the dermatologist today and I.
Was like being like, there's something wrong or I stuck my face on a piping hot plate.
I get again again. That's what that is. I can't again.
When you pull it out of the microwave.
It was I was trying to get the food off the side. Doctor Banana, you're wincing at me. You've known me a long time, You've stayed in my brother's library. What do you want to say? I mean my brother's library. He's so much more successful than anyone. I know what happened to him.
Yeah, I would say stop doing that, please.
I literally I look like it a herpie. And then I went to the dermatologist because I had too gross on my back and they're like, lady, those are zits. I was like, they're absolutely not cut them off the like, we're not going to cut off your.
Excavates.
That's what I so. I had real no autographs, please energy.
This morning, I just yeah, I'm stuck on this and you didn't answer the question.
It's good, thank you. We could cut this out of you.
I have no shame. I have idea.
Did you do it? What?
Like, there's nothing about pulling the plate Like me, I will pull a plate out of microwave and let it sit.
I'll go do something. What's the TV? What's the working Okay?
Look, it's also like you know Pavlovian mice, if they hurt themselves enough time, they'll stop doing it. I seem to have there's like a glitch in the brain each time.
I'm like, this is when you hear the bell that means d.
I love breakfast. I am a night owl, Carl. I've always been like a vampire. I have a hard time waking up in the morning. So I love breakfast. I love breakfast, and in fact I already cooked it in a pot on the stove, but I wanted it to be hotter.
Okay, wow, Arden, you're literally playing with fire.
I do see people on TikTok a lot eating very very hot things.
Yeah that was me yesterday.
And now I look like I have a herpie and I have a thin cut off my cheek.
I think you've never looked better.
Thank you, But I dress up for you.
Thank you. But I will say I used to actually work in a restaurant in college a little bit after and it has been against for sure this He would away come in and should go I want turkey, bacon, burnt, turkey, burger burnt, coffee burnt. And then I hated her so much and I should not have done this, but I was like a young punk, you know what I mean. It's twenty years old. I had, you know, mohawk and did you harry bombs?
And oh my god, visual so bad?
None of that, but.
Because saw the tennis court look like a Menanda's.
Brother high praise she always ordered when she did. The coffee, she always said, and it's decap it has to be decaf. And one time I legit just forgot sure and I put regular in there just because I was absent, and I go, do you want another coffee? Regular? Right or something like that, and she goes, no, decaf. If it's not decaf, I have to take my pill. And I was like, wow, oh no, it's regular. And I went in the back and I laughed so hard. But nothing happened to her, and she was there another hour.
Did she take her pill?
What if? I was like, I never saw her again.
I don't know if she How do you burn coffee?
I just served it. I don't know what she was talking about. What if you went to the kidchen and came back out. He was just a skeleton at the table. She seemed like she absolutely would have been in Like Beetle Juice was like, you know what I mean? Smoking down there? Just burnt eye?
Whose energy nominating act?
I have a quickie and a lusing my quickie? Is I really mean this? And shout out to my friend Norma who brought this to my attention. Anyone who paid for the blue check mark is absolutely bringing no autobots for his energy. I mean they really don't give a fuck, except that they give such a fuck.
Did wild?
Do you know what?
It's wild?
Because now they're being gifted which, by the way, Elon musk, I'm offended, carl Sider just get gifted back. I don't. I don't play on smart that. I just got a minute.
Wait a minute, So does that mean if I had when it got removed, I have to buy it back?
Don't buy it back.
I'm not going to buy it back. I'm never on there.
Lebron Dion buy a bit. But he's gifting them now. So like Elon has given some back to certain just because he's like, oh my plan once again failed. Anyway, So first of all to anyone who paid for the blue check, But my second one is and this is truly the delight of my life when this happens.
I love it.
My favorite kind of energy is someone who's driving the wrong way down a one way street, yeah, and doesn't seem to give a fee, and everyone passing them is losing their Yes, They're like, what are you doing? What are you doing? They're like like literally in their own world, smiling, I'm aware that people are losing their ship. It's truly like slipping on a banana peel to me, I love it. I love it. So I love watching people get mad at people with no reaction. People driving though, always because you've just inspired a couple for me, just inspire. So I got three two Quickies and a Lucy and a Lucy. H. The two quickie ones are inspired by you.
I live by a freeway entrant that has a no right on red sign. Right under that sign is seven to nine am except Saturday and Sunday. Yeah, which means all all day Saturday and Sunday. But during the week seven to nine am, no right on red. Every day I go to the gym yes, or at nighttime, I'm getting on the freeway to go into Hollywood and get my party on or whatever we're doing. And I get to that and if there's a car in front of me and they're stopped at that right on red and they're not reading the sign that says seven to nine am, those people.
Totally like they just like it's the course and they're just like sometimes those people pointed the sign, like if that's right on red and you're like.
No autographs, I'm good, good, no, please, I'm I'm not in my full face people drive.
And and that that's the same person that goes in tweets l a parking signs.
No they're not. Everyone says that they're like, oh, it's so much to read. I'm like, it's literally max ten ones. Yeah, and there's even numbers on there.
I I am surprised that when she likes that, I do find myself like, there's a lot like I burned my face twice a year on a bowl. There's a part of it that's like fascinated that I actually care.
Like everyone does. You're like, I mean, for instance, me, well, but I feel like I don't.
I'm a kind of a loosey, goosey girl. But it is weird when I do see some things that I'm like, no, that's not, no, that's not they're cutting in we're doing the zipper. You go, then I go zipper. Then you know it's like, no, you're cutting into the zipper. It's not two cars, it's one car, one car. And it's weird how like it bothers me because it's not fair. I got like a weird fair thing in my brain.
Is your burned mouth inspires my tell me. The woman who had the text conversation with a dude that she had went on a date with. So he hit her up and he was like, hey, like, I had a good time last night. I haven't heard from you. Yeah, And she's like, honestly, your energy was too feminine for me. And he goes, what what I do? And she goes the like the way you ordered your food? Like the food that you order. He goes, I got the fihidas and margarita, Like what the margarita? And she goes, first of all, men don't drink margarita. And the other one was also the way you blew on your food, because she was like, he was like, my food was hot. He was like, yeah, but you perched your lips and blew on it. I just can't be with a man.
Do you know this guy?
I don't know him. This was a general thing that happened. Yeah. I gotta tell you she doesn't have a list. She has a bindery. You know what I mean. I mean that is extensive, because I gotta tell you we have talked about this before. I have heard on our first episode we had a line where someone said, oh, men don't drink. I don't know. He said, I don't drink Margarita's because I'm a man. I was like, I did not know Margaret Cosmos. I guess I could see, but I didn't know Margarita's were gender.
It's interesting again, its strong going on dates. It's wild, like dating and then talking to my friends about dating when some of them are like, whoa, what are the rules? How many rules do you have?
I know, like I got I got ate up.
One day I posted a picture in my story of I asked we were doing tequila shots one night and I asked for a line, and the line that they gave me.
Literally fit like.
So small, And so I posted a picture online for a couple, want to show how small line was, show how big my hands are.
And then you got a lot of daddy content coming in and let.
Me tell you something.
There were girls that were in my dms like, well, you shouldn't be using a line, bitch, Yes that is you're a child who used the line with a with a tequila shot. And I go, first of all, it just tastes better.
I don't need it, right, it just that's Yeah, I'm just a person of taste. It's like putting salt on food. It was wild, Yeah, they were it was and I was like, oh wow, thank you so much for showing me yourself.
Wow.
So I know that's wild that there's like that much like and I feel like in this day and age where everything's gone and like you know, like it's just much more relaxed with like guys were in pearl necklaces and we're like, it's like it's like the browth, Like who gus a ship? If somebody as a liner? Margaret, like, I've.
Never in my life, it's wild. Who cares?
Before we go to break? I would like to read we got This woman came up to me at the Bellhouse at the really except this Rose Bellhouse, and she followed me up with an email. This was a story that she wanted to tag. This was mind when you said your no autograuth please? Was the lady with the shirt we tell Carl what the shirt was at the grocery I.
Saw lady at the grocery store with the shirt that said I sure do miss teaching kindergarten. And then I walked a little bit further and turned around and the back said, oh wait, no, I don't.
Okay, So then I so that she emailed this in she this was for so this is this inspired her? No audogras Please, I'll let you read it. It's the very top paragraph.
This was an email last summer. I was at a craftfair and it was a hot August day. I noticed a woman walking toward me between booths, wearing a tank top in shorts and I could see a leg. When she got closer, I realized her tank top had words on it. As she passed me, I was able to read her shirt and it said stop staring at my leg, you too like a freak? Fuck. Yeah, that's a good edergy. Thank you for a great show Saturday night.
Pam Donald Trump, he's a big fan.
Had a curious audio.
I thought that was that's a fun that's fun, right.
Yes. One time someone sent me a shirt one time that said it was the lyrics time a little teapot and those are long all on a shirt and the only difference was at the end it said tip me over and then in all caps and I'll cuss you out. Wow.
I like how long the shore was?
So long?
Now that we're talking a lot about driving, my final not Autogauth, Please energy nominee for the week, I'm gonna have to go with my dad. Sure, the guy drove a mos to me autumn candy apple red with vanity plates and.
Do you remember what they said or don't want to say?
Oh, happy to say it was a certified public accountant and it was c PA two with mas me out of vanity plates. And he drove around with like a cooler purse that he would make my mom so new covers for And he loved bendy straws and he would like literally like wash them in the dishwasher and like carry them in his like front pocket. And he had a He loved mint Eminem so much that when they stopped making them he wrote an enraged letter to the company and they told them to wait till the holidays. So we had two filing cabinets in our garage filled with it. He would stock up at like Walmart or like Target every holiday season with mint Eminem's two full filing chemists and would role them out every day for himself. That's a real no Autgrossley's energy.
Good for him. Go out, you know what, if you know what you want.
Get it, get it, get it. Oh, I got one for you. I'm so sorry. And this is also we love this it's a sport.
Okay, great, all right.
So it's this guy that.
Plays for the Memphis Grizzlies named Dylan Brooks, and he is.
Already to be so on the nose here. That's a basketball team. Yes, this is basketball.
I didn't know either. I was thinking, hot, did you know this?
So you know what I'm talking about. So Dylan Brooks is a troll of epic proportions. Okay, like he just does he does things that I usually don't hate trolls, honestly, but this guy does things. And it's so funny because right now they're playing against the Lakers. And so the most recent thing, first of all, he showed up to a game dressed like Stone coach Steve Auston and everything he.
Brooks.
Yeah, yeah, So he this week in the press conferences, he goes on in on Lebron James, who we all know Lebron James older, he's thirty eight, and he was just like he's old, He's did I'm making full level. He just goes in on how old he is and how everything, and Lebron goes okay, And for the past couple of games, Lebron has been destroying him. Yea and also he shoots the ball so badly, like he can't hit the side of a barn. He shoots the basket, just goes and fault like and it was so bad and Laker audience was going crazy on him and I hate the Lakers, but like it is like a weird like hey man, And he's also skipped his postgame press conference two times.
You gotta be you. But if you're gonna troll like that, you can't get humiliating. And for the rest of the year.
He also got into it with this other guy, Draymond Green, who plays for the Warriors, and it was a big thing with that going on.
And we're being attacked right now that you should get into it with is Draymond because he will not stop. He won't he doesn't stop.
These are I'm telling you all this because and for the listener who thinks, like I can't get into sports, I don't want to.
This sounds this is this is big drum and it's crazy.
And this guy skipping both he also comes out and does this dance and then he'll come out and shoot.
Oh for twelve. I love going to alight. I have a Sometimes it's not as fun for me watching on TV maybe with the group, but I love going to a lot.
Also, it's the playoffs now, so there's steaks standing. I want to watch regular seasons.
I agree. I just have to say this quick story, please. It's the only sports story I have besides being I was awarded in fifth grade the most Improved trophy for my basketball. Was very proud of it until I found out that's humiliating to get that away because other people told me was I've been most enthusiastic. That's okay. Skill In high school, I was the bigges gossip, which I didn't talk to anyone in high school, and I was like, oh, that just means most gay.
That's that's let me tell you. I haven't talked to any of you.
My only sports story tell me is that my first week in Los Angeles, Yes, I saw a wallet upon min Eye in Brentwood, California, which is, you know, kind of a nice neighborhood. I was there because my boss took me to lunch or something. I was working a terrible job. I was a hitman back in the day and I didn't enjoy it. So anyway, so I found the swallet on the street and I thought to myself, and so I decided to pick up the wall and I opened it because I was like, I need to find out who's this isn't return it around. I'd never heard of this person's name. This was back in the day. The wallup belong to men by the name of Jerry Buss, the owner of the I had no idea who that was. So I went back and there was a business card for not him, but for someone else that I later found out was his assistant. So I called the number and I was like, hey, I think you left your walld and go what do you want And I was like nothing, I just want to turn like okay, look, we'll give you like a suite for five games in Valet and and I was like, oh okay, and I did not even know what team he was.
Talking about, and then he like yes, And so then he asked for my email address and my mailing address because this was like back in the day, and I found out who Jerry Buss was sure and I had no friends in LA at the time, so I ended.
Taking my boss and we went anyway five times. That's my Lakers. Did you return the wall? Yeah?
Yeah, of course, of course that's crazy that they snapped on you like that Bus's daughter is now the Jerry Bus dead now. Yes, it was a horrible person, right, help, he's complicated. The owner of my favorite team, the Clippers, was is a horrible and he's still alive. He's no longer. The owner of the barber, who's a great person, owns the team now. But before Donald Sterling who.
Was Oh my god, yes, the visor hassad his daughter, Genie Bus owns the team now she's married j Moore.
But that's so wild by the advisor comedy duo.
Their comedy duo? What no j Moore and Jeanie have you seen that's why? Oh yeah they're doing the ice house.
We need to see that Advisor and roller skates. That's a real no autograss, please.
Energy, I gotta tell you this show has taken such a turn in the last ten minutes. But I loved it.
I agree, I I really I feel like things are going well with Carl. Don't you think.
Absolutely we should go we should all go on a day.
Okay, so here's the thing. We're gonna get a quick break. I just thought of. Okay, I have a fun location for us. Good, so I learned I did Lauren Lopcuz' show at Dynasty, and we learned from somebody in the audience that they had to go drop something off for someone at Lego Land and that they said, at Lego Land, you're legally not allowed in unless you have a child.
Oh playground, you.
Can't go in. Would it be fun to do a date at Lego Land?
Sure?
Unless you want to go?
I love it. The sure was a hard Yes, Okay, great?
And uh, will you give me the name of a lady from your hometown and I'll give you the name of a guy from my.
Hometown Katrina Kisses.
Okay, you could be mister mattaronas wonderful.
All right, so let's go to Lego Land.
Okay, we let take a quick break and we're back now. For those of you who are new to Neudogress, please you should know that all of these lines were either tweeted to us, emailed to us at NAP's pod the number one at gmail dot com.
Yes, or you can instagram us at naps pod.
You can comment, you can dm us on Instagram or Twitter. But these are real lines. We asked for people to give us real the worst things said to anyone out of context on a date, so we don't know why these things were said, and basically the only rules of the game are that Brianon and I are always on a first date and it has to end well. Now, these are generally horrific things that will be said, and but we incorporate them into our dates and everything.
When ever, you hear the bell, that means it's a line that was submitted.
Okay, are you okay, mister Yas, would you mind picking me up? I've been drinking since noon.
Oh that's why you're on the floor.
Yeahud you pick me up. I've been drinking this noon.
Yeah, no problem.
You know I like your muscles, daddy.
By the way, it's only one thirty pm.
Yeah, oh right, wait, I like I've been having a lot of white wines spritzers. Oh daddy, look at those us.
What do you think of me?
Oh?
Well, I say, you're not exactly what I imagine. Your lower half of your body is much more atrophied than I thought. You have a very overbuilt upper body, which I like, mommy like, but there you have a very small like portion.
Well, I mean, all you're saying is facts. I gotta say, I would love to join you for a drink, but I can't get a beer. I've got a new tongue ring. I could get a yeast infection in my mouth. Ma'am, can you please get up? I got a mop right here. I'm trying to get her up. Why is a feather? I love your stretch marks. Oh? Thanks, you've been working out, stretching out the Yes, I've been stretching out my natural skin. And night had a very difficult it was what they call Crohn's l I t e.
R like Miller Light, my favorite beer, or I am rest.
In Miller exactly. So I do I do happen to have?
Now?
What is your name again?
Me?
Gorgeous?
Name was a family name?
Gorgeous? Is your father named Berthol?
My father's Bertha. My grandfather was birth His father was b.
The third, the fifth at it by v v V. Now, I'm naturally an introvert. So I've been taking some courses about ice breaker.
What are you smart or something?
I don't need? What?
Sure? I Q?
Okay? I am smart. My IQ happens. I am in men's men mensa.
Men which I discus that.
Is mensa is a group of really intelligent people who have high i q's. And I have to say I was shocked to learn and disgusted to learn that there's women in mensa. Ew can you imagine?
I cannot imagine.
I thought it was a men's right squirt. I thought it was due. So I am off floor. I only went to one meeting, but I want to say, yes, I'm brilliant. I'm also a little bit introverted, so sometimes I can be shy.
Well hey, even though yeah, I have a friend who has a pH d in chemistry and she tests all my molly and other hard drugs.
Oh, you might get a one.
Birth am I like you so much? I think I might relapse.
Okay, okay, well I don't partake, but I do partoke.
I have to say. I just say, first of all, I don't think you're going to relapse. I think that that ship has left.
The fort I got white ones. I just can't have mally all day.
Okay, that's great. Weren't you here? Weren't you here to clean up a mess? And if it honestly feels part like you started one, I'm sorry about that.
I don't normally like bears, but you're hot.
Listen, there are two to three women in my life who I could ask to marry me today and they say yes. So basically, don't trying to hit on me. I gotta I got a job to do. I was came over here to mop up the sweat.
But can I please the ticket booth hoping to get in?
Okay, okay, Bartholoma, I really need to enlist your help here because I couldn't ask two to three women to marry me and they would right now, what are some of your secrets, like, for instance, my burning question, you have two nipples? I do have twos man more than Yeah. Here's the other thing too.
I drive to tell you it's a como mid size because I don't need to compensate for anything.
You know what I'm saying. So I should get rid of my jeep Wrangler with the license plate bomb swayer. Yeah, okay, that's that's tellingmone. You say, okay, let me go get Katrina. Do you want to go into the park? Would you like to come with us? I have so much money. My IQ pays for everything. Yeah. I'm actually about to go on my lunch break. Pretty soon.
I can come out with you guys, but I got one question. Do you like to get the lad out? This is the lad Zeppelin greatest hit seat.
Oh yeah, come from then, I come from that land of the license snow.
Come to the land of the license snow. My sister had lice. She got it at work. She works at Enterprise. Rent a car. You'd be surprised how many lights ridden cars they have.
Well, you're not the only one with a fun fact. You'll be interested to know. Huh and no, no, tell me if tell me if this will get a girl what I'm about to say, you'll be interested to know. I'm close friends with Lee Nash, the lead singer of Sixpence None of the Richer. Oh my god, yeah yet.
Yeah, I'm rock card. I see your four nipples are also getting hard.
I am very very sensitive to the wind, the rain, snow.
Six on the Richer.
I love that. All right, let's go into part Okay, Hi to adults.
Two tickets please right, Okay, way to adults two adults. Yeah, all right, it's taking a long time because our computers are down.
Wait did you just see something from your beard?
Yeah?
So I had mamburger helper today for one loan elbow noodle and.
I love an elbow. You know what I had over the weekend, I had a meatball on a toothpick that had that had had like a bow tie on top. It was like and it was like.
Like like a bow type poster and an actual bow time.
It was a bow type pasta, but it felt like it felt like a tuxedo meatball.
It's fancy.
I wish I could go fancy restaurant. So I don't have no time. I'm always here.
I'm sure how many tickets you sell day, because I got to tell you we've been here for ten minutes.
We still adults, no children.
No, no two adults tickets, no children eight plus all right, not senior.
Sid, I don't know.
I'm eighteen, don't so.
But I don't have to write this down because, like I said, the computers are down and I have to give you this greeting here as myself.
My name is Caesar and I'm named after little and I'm so sorry. I just wasn't I get. I get I I have a teriology. So if someone mentions anything regarding pizza, I ain't around with that. That's why God gave his assholes. You are right, You're not wrong. Is like I'm involved with Nintendo at all, because I've sent letters to Nintendo. I'm asking them to make a Wa Luigi game. Listen. I can't tell you all that.
I don't know if they are involved with Nintendo, but I do know that both of them companies is probably Japanese. Which are most things happening right now? Yes, let me tell you something. I got a cousin that works at the Bendegast. Already, the government has been cloning people for what they splashed the DNA of humans a pig in Georgia James called hogs zilly.
They had to be putting down. Oh my God.
Said to you your.
Cousin, My cousin there to the naming of this beast. Okay, all right, uh scientists, you all look great today.
Thank you.
Gets out of here. Okay, I need to talk to you guys. Obviously, obviously we have we need to name this thing, okay, because we got to capitalize on it. So scientists, George, what you what's your pitch? Well, here's what I was thinking.
Yeah, I was watching some videos last night the comfort of my own private home.
Who decorated that I need a new decorator, who decorated my home. It was the same woman that did Tony Braxton's home. Oh nice, Okay, I was ingesting some content last night. I came up with this. Talk to mell h a w.
G like a dirty dog.
I like hot ass white girls. The hot ass white h a w T.
A hot ass white girl. Everybody likes hot that makes sense hot.
So you were thinking, Hogg great. I by the way, we've been married how long at this lab?
Seven months?
Yeah?
She was.
I gotta tell you, this reminds me of you because she was such a bright solla.
Thank you. I've always been my big big day I wanted. I had Cinderella fantasies, and I just thought, this is about me. My sister doesn't get that this finally it's my time to shine.
Are you guys cool calling it hogzella?
What?
I'm fine with it? All right? Cut back to the ticket. My god, it's five thirty five and a half times.
It doesn't matter that we don't have children.
It does not matter that you don't have children, but you cannot talk to any of the children.
I'm gonna talk.
That's fine. Oh can we bring another adult though? Our friend Bartholome here someone to go to the park with us. Yeah, that's great.
So three adults, three adults, all right, but this is okay, cut to the right. This is a very small slow park.
I have to say, the action really isn't here like I thought I would be. Although I'm scared of everything, but it's not doing it for me.
You did, you were weeping on that slow that slow coaster.
You don't have to mop the rides as a guest. I just I'm always in work mode. You can't.
I just want to say, I'm just confused as to why you asked me to come here, mister Mattarona's because if you don't have kids, why is there a playpen in your living room? The photos are misleading.
They were because occasionally I do take care of my sister's children. Okay, she is going through some really really really intense plastic surgery, all elective. What is she getting, Well, she's getting a nose talk, an eyebrow pulled down, she's getting a cheek suck, and she's getting her breasts additional pair put into her armpits so she can prank the neighbors. Do you know what I mean? She looks like she's gonna make a fart noise with her hambit and says she shows them her business. She's getting hair put on her big toes, and she's getting her legs tattooed with her a picture of her legs. Well, if any of that stuff stars Leagan, I can't mope. So anyway, so you can imagine her children through all of this. Poor woman, she has four kids. They all play and oh god, they range an age for three to fourty. Yeah, she's well older. So anyway, by the way, none of this is funny. This is my sister we're talking.
So you have a four year old is a play pet in your literary ears?
Why do you think I'm a genius?
I mean you said you were the genius. You were the one who said it was nobody thinks you are.
Guys, that's for my IQ.
But you didn't say it. You said, have you ever heard of the number one?
Have you ever heard of the number seven? Have you ever heard of the number five?
Yes?
Minus ten plus eight that's my IQ.
Wow.
Wow, So you've got to be a member of HERSA to figure that out.
I'm petitioning for her, say yeah, which is also, by the way, where I don't drive a hurts when I rent a car because I prefer I prefer men's lines exactly, remember it, yeah, correct, that's right, correct, never forget well.
I feel like this was I was excited to go on this all.
Feel like I really didn't learn anything about you, but we learned so much about Bartholome.
I'm an open book.
Okay, I'm an open book.
Ask me anything. You got two nipples, I've got three, oh on my back and I've got it pierced.
Oh. That's great. Do you have a personal connection with Waaluigi from the Super Mario game?
I do. He was my prom dated junior high. We didn't go all the way, but he did dry help me on dripping pond table.
Can I move in with you?
I am?
I gotta get rid. I can't. I can't take care of a forty year old anymore. I can't do it much less a three year old. Put them all on a plate pane. Are you kidding?
Man?
I am eighteen years old. I live in my Paris. It's a little funny.
I mean, like Bartholomew. Can I move in with there? Please? Come on in, But you're gonna have to learn how to mop Bertholomew.
Do you like mushroom hunting?
I do not like mushroom hunting. I'll tell you why. Too much dirt. And as you know, he's a neat. You want to leave the work at work. You can't mop the rainforest. You cannot go well said, and I gotta tell.
You, yeah, talk to me, baby, be boy.
What do you think of me? Okay?
Well here, So I think I think a bug discluine in my mouth. I think that you remind me es of my dad, my dad who really didn't like me at all, and that's like a hot thing. You remind me of a sailor and a scamp. You remind me of the guy that I bought popcorn from at the Regal seven one time in an inland empire.
So you're saying yes to the dress.
Yeah, I might guess what. I like you so much, I think I might.
Relapse, Barthola. Thanks for your help.
Here for your help.
I'm ready to help at all times. Thank you. Care. I told you I drive.
I tell Yoda Tacoma a mid size because I don't need to compensate for a god. And I just want to mentally too. First of all. Yeah, so sexy. You have a tacoma, and I think gay people are gross, but I think it's awesome.
Agree.
Secondly, I've never seen a cleaner entrance to a ticket booth in my life.
So job well done, job well done. Well, let's go home and live with my mother.
I love it.
Okay, bye bye.
And we're back. And this is the portion of Carl of our podcast where obviously we make a peanut butter pumpkin recipe for you. I like a pudding cake. And we talked about how we think the date went, about our routines. How do you feel like, what do you think that was a successful date?
That was absolutely a successful date. I love that she was eighteen, she was eighteen eighteen. Did you have a favorite line that you said from these submitters?
I think my favorite line that I said was there are two to three women in my life who I could ask to marry me today and they say.
Yes, it's pretty great. I so imagine hearing that on a date. That's horrifying.
I what was your favorite line that you heard?
Oh, definitely the one about sixpence on the richer I liked. And you've got to you've got two nipples.
Oh, that's I like, did you just eat something from your beard?
That's pretty disgusting.
Now, okay, we got a recipe, Carl, did you bring something to add to a cake?
No, that's good.
Okay, So we have a recipe that was sent in from Nicole Meyer High art In and gang. Listen to the no autographs please. I love Bryan Safe. I'm a fellow peeb two addict, and I wanted to share her favorite recipe that she makes several times a day.
Wow. PP two ed oh PP two? Okay, So PEP two is just protein, yes, yes, but it's just dried peanuts, and so you add water to it. It makes this regular peanut butter. But instead of being like one hundred and ninety calories, it's only seventy. And instead of being seventeen grams of fetish, just two that is eight grams of proteins or you larch, just peanuts.
No, okay, she's your suspicious three.
Yeah, I'm looking.
She's gonna do three tablespoons pebe two. One tablespoon cocoa powder. Yeah, did that quarter tablespoon baking powder? Okay, do that right now, and then a tea spoon of apple sauce and three to four tablespoons of almond milk something that resembles a thick brownie batter. Okay, now, Carl, what is your daily routine? How do you keep yourself feeling? Do you ever get blue? Do you ever get the blues? You ever get anxious? Like, like, what's your normal constitution?
Yeah?
My normal constitution is is pretty neutral, pretty happy. There are like two weeks out of a year where I'll be like, something is wrong and I need to figure out what it is mentally, and I turned to my friends and of course therapy, but I turned to my friends during those moments of being like I'm I'm going crazy right now.
Just everyone has to understand the Carl is eyeing this as if it's hemlock.
By the way, this is the best one we've made for anyone.
We don't know that yet. Yeah.
Now, so you talk to your friends and you reason it out, and then community is so important.
Yes, community is extremely important. This is my guys.
I want to debunk the myth that like, men don't get vulnerable with these straight men don't get vulnerable with each other and stuff like that, because me and my homies we lean on each other quite a bit it's nice.
I love that it's healthy.
I really because I really think.
That you're the smartest guys too.
Well.
I really think that I love hearing that because I do think. I mean, maybe it's changing, but it feels like I know, like my brother and stuff like that. Look at I feel like women are raised sort of in a more like hive mentality, where like you have like your little pasicle you talk about things, and I think it's so important to have your buddies that you just like break things down with and I and I think that looks good.
I keep banging.
Do you want a different spoof?
No, we're good this. Oh sure?
Now?
Who who are your best friends?
My best friends?
Lamar Woods, Phil Jackson, Peter Banfaest, Piem Banifest Drew saying rank them, yea.
Write them? Who's number one? How did you meet them?
All through the improv acts?
So fast? Yeah?
And then I got I got a bunch of best friends. I got best friends from all walks of life.
That's basic. Fun is ready for the I gotta tell you, Carl, I'll give you. Well, Arden pops this sin. For like a minute, I think, okay, well, Arden pops the sin. I'm going to tell you the history of this cake. Okay, okay, you put apple sauce in it just to tea spoon, and that you know what apple sauce acts like like an egg. It deserves the same purpose. Okay, Carl, I'm Carl's nervous hat apace. I don't hate apples. I don't really like chocolate.
He was excited about the pumpkin. He eyed the pumpkin. He said, are you gonna make earlier? We don't listen to our guests.
Should we say our track record? Nobody likes That's not true. One person liked it and one time on a scale of one, and I gave it a seven. Y'all make the same thing every week. This is the new recipe.
This is new.
Okay, let's stir it.
I'm gonna stir it. I'm gonna throw it to cook.
It all I thought I was gonna turn into a cake. It does.
It's it's like a pudding. I'm stirring it, just sort of like, let's get the now. It looks too hot to eat, Carl.
It looks really good.
It looks really good. You don't he doesn't know.
I mean it looks better than the other ones.
Okay, you don't like, he doesn't like.
Do you want me to put ash? Okay?
Do you want me to put more peanut butter in us? I kind of want to cast you in mind now, don't should we open up the cat.
I'm gonna try the pure recipe first.
Okay, blow on it. I can't go back to the doctor with a burned list.
I'm gonna don't think you're doing Katie. Does this not look better than anybody else? I'm not, Carl. We love it. We would never serve you something we thought was girl. You're supposed to eat it hot.
I mean, oh, I'm gonna put a little Stevie very chocolate, will you? That's nice though, huh, that's nice. I would put some sweet I need some sugar on that. I need sugar.
I would I like it like this, but get some sugar if you want.
Well, Carl's not having.
Okay, Carl, this is judgment day. Carl hates scale of one to ten. And we want honesty because we're really actually trying to improve.
Okay, I'm putting in some vanilla Stevia.
So here's my honest, honest we want to hear it. I am biased because I do not lean chocolate, so we'll out eight points for that. Okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna give it a two.
And it ain't good and I don't know, but that's just.
Me, Carl. You fall in line with everyone else pretty much. We thought that this time would be different because it's just not something that I want. There's no d it's no dary, no egg, dairy nogg. It's just cocoa apple sauce. It's got a weird aftertaste. Oh I love it. I love that. It's like synth.
This is one of those like TikTok recipes. I keep seeing these these people who are like, if you're trying to get your protein intake, I've fallen one.
But we're gonna do go around and no, I know they do this on TikTok. Now we're all going to do our scores.
I like it, Anna, Anna.
I'm not enjoying it. I'll give it a one. I'm sorry. Oh my god, we got a two from you. I'm giving it a nine.
I'm getting.
It has such a weird aftertaste. I don't know what to me. It tastes like I've never been there. But if I went to Belgium, and I said, give me your purest and finest. I feel like this is the chuck that they give me.
I meant, I meant, I meant to Switzerland right now.
Yeah, I'm in the Alps for sure.
Okay, Carl, what's the what's the dreams you can't? What is the best date you? What is the most exciting date you've ever been? What's the most all out date you've ever taken a lady on?
Oh boy, are you one of those people who takes people to Disneyland? Okay, that's I mean not good. It's just certain kinds of people who do that.
What was like they're all out.
Extra on one time?
That was fun. I've taken I have, Man, it's gonna give me intro. Okay, it's been a long time.
Okay, this is a long time, A long time ago, long before I knew any any any of the ladies that are any of the problem.
Yeah.
I have gone to basketball games and that's always fun.
That's nice that especially I have.
We got some we got friends in high places in our industry, and sometimes they got.
Really good tickets.
Yeah I got I'm a season ticket holder. I got nice seats. But I've taken. I've used some of my friend's seats sometimes and that was pretty impressive.
I like that. Nice Carl. Carl, we want to thank you for being here and chatting with us, doing the improv and also tasting this cake. And I would go to a doctor for your taste. But I mean, I really think something with you.
I think you know what's funny about about that, specifically having COVID in twenty twenty.
I did, and it did change. It did change, even you think it did, even like permanently. Still I still still there are still thinks. There are still smells where I'm like, what is what? Like?
I'll ask friends like, what are you smelling right now? I'm smelling dog shit? And I go, okay, because I'm smelling like bad onion smell. It was like, but you know it's hard, Yeah, that is hard.
At least it staves in the arena of bad because wouldn't be off of dog shit smell like well, to hear something exactly, That's why.
He didn't like it, Otherwise he would have.
I was gonna say it had nothing to do with that. That was.
Oh, thank you so much.
Carl, You're a dream. Thank you for coming. Everyone just put turn on your TV because this is where he is.
This is where he is. I also appreciate him sharing openly and honestly about like the need for male friendship.
Ila in that I think it's support.
I think community. I texted you this week where I was like, am I bummed out? And I was like yeah, but because this, this this happened and made me be like, Okay, I know, I'm okay.
Now that was you. I thought that was carl It.
Was that's what my that's how you have me stored on your phone. I'm the Tucker Carls.
You did, and I appreciate it. And then I sent you one today it was like that, Yes, you know, when you're it's good to be honest about how you're feeling.
Yeah, well guys, this was wonderful.
Would you like to promote you can watch Grand Crew the finale airs. I don't know when this is coming out with the finale airs this week, Okay.
Okay, so you probably want to get it on the streamer after go to.
Peacock and you can watch both completely and season two.
So we appreciate that.
And I got a podcast, Yes you do x x O Gossip Kings, which you both have.
To come on watch Gossip.
Okay, so we'll come. Well, you guys will have you guys on and to talk gossip.
Less shots that we have and more shots that you have.
So I started watching. So here's how this came about. I had never watched the show, but I was signed all my emails x O x O Gossip Tony and people would be like, oh, you're a big gospel girl fan. I was like, I've actually never watched it because it started the fall that I got to college. And so at that point, yeah, so you were watching today our show was the O c Y and so the show the show started the fall I got to college, and so I wasn't watching it and I just, of course I never watched it, and now I'm watching it with my my good best friend lamar Will.
That's so fun and we gotta go on. We would love to come on. What would you like to promote Brian?
Nothing? I mean, I just say the other show everything, Just go to a Brian sofa.
You know great, My missus Mazel episodes will be up by the time this air. Fabulous a couple of them at the end of this season. And then uh, if you're in Seattle, this.
Might be airing the same night as the season finale of nine one month, so go watch that, Go.
Watch them on one, watch Marvelous Missus Maisel, and then if you're in Seattle, I will be there. I have a movie at the film Festival called Year of the Fox May twelfth and thirteenth, nice, which.
Always called xoxo Gossip Kings. By the way, Yes fine, xoxo gossip Kings. You're at Carl, dammit Carl, or dammit Instagram, d A M M I T C A I on Instagram. I don't do the Twitter spot and uh and.
If you want to email us, you can email us at napspod one at gmail dot com.
Thank you, Anna think you Katie, Katie, and.
Email us if you liked this. We got so many fun emails. We've got a lot of great reviews.
The people have been knocking out of the park with these reviews and we definitely want to shout them out.
And we got such a fun video. How about the lady on Instagram losing.
Her mind with laughter over episode. That was the sweetest thing I've ever seen in my life. Yeah, it was so shu ask if we can post it. Yeah, so we could get surgery to post it on that thing. Oh yeah, we should.
That's so cute. We loved it. Okay, I just want to say the first of you I'm going to read to you is as I know we were talking earlier about how I burned myself with the oatmeal again. Of course this is this is now. I don't can't read the full title because my phone cuts it off, but it's five stars from st thirty three l three dirty dancing lift in it, probably in an open grave. Hello, doctor? Is the throat meal again? Hilarious anecdotes, effortless improvisation and a divisive dessert more fun than sticking your head out of a moving train window. Please don't ever stop making this. Three kisses, Brian, love it? What do you think of that?
Love it? SJK zero zero says young five stars. I have to listen to not in public due to loud outbreaks of laughter that come over me. Ps. I like disgusting. Oh my god, give me some of that mugcake.
Can I just say? There's so many that here's what respect my privacy? Please? Five stars from rye hand. I've never seen a pant leg hitten ankle in such a flattering manner. Before listening to this podcast, Town out of ten would recommend no autographs please. Is chaotic, hilarious, and includes healthy dessert recipes that will satisfy even the wackiest of health nuts.
At tell own nine Pbfit recipes five stars. After listening to the first few episodes, I found myself thinking, are they really going to make a peanut butter mugcake every episode? Now, three episodes and a thousand laughs later, I'm at peace with the realization that if they ever stopped making the Peebfit confections, I would drive my car off the nearest ledge.
Oh my god, we got a three star one.
Why read it?
Great people from Hermex. Extremely chaotic and extra with an annoying bell ringing every few seconds. By the way, there are clearly people who think chaotic randomness is enjoyable, but I found it exhausted.
Well, good for you, because everyone else says, By the way, I do love that. Someone was like I think we talked about this, and one was like, usually no podcasters are like a person playing it straight and a person playing at wacko. These two are both wacko, which I took his high praise.
Oh my god, here's a really fun one. This one made me really happy. Five stars. What's happening? A feminist fan? Don't know, don't care? Shows kids the.
Movie girl gave us five stars, said the peebe Fittest. As a fellow peanut butter, powder and mugcake enthusiast, I could not be more Enamoredive Arden and Brian. They bring the pop culture tea, hilarious guests, banana pants, improv and experimental microwave baking. Everything you didn't know you wanted but now can't live without. Five stars forever. Thank you all so nice.
Don't you feel seene, Because like when we were trying to fitch us a room, Oh my god, we're gonna talk up top, then we're gonna do it improv with a belt.
We like tried saying the whole concept out loud and we were like, we know it sounds insane.
We're gonna mi peanut butter.
There's no through line, honey. Thank you all for writing it. Don't forget five stars. Five stars only five stars. You can rate and review and also go to at naps Potter Instagram that Sergio Lopez created.
Oh Sergio Lopez. He's an icon and a drink. And shout out to the people that sent us in the lines. These are the people whose lines we used. Aaron Mueller, Momo, Lenny, Alison Winter, led a Page, Tyler Morton, Jim Talks.
I also had one from Jim Talks. Plus I had two from the legendary Dave Holmes. Thank you. Dave at ds CAP gave me three and Daisy Squared gave me a great one too.
Some other ones were at Pistol, Vanessa Williams, Hannah Goodman, Virginian Callistro and more so thanks for sending them. Oh and shout out Mark Rivers for the theme song Big Money Players, Will Ferrell, Thank you, thank you, Thank you, iHeart and until next time, We'll be back.
La.
Who are you where? And will there be pressed.
Cunning?
Yeah, gotcha and Brian I hear it last they'd be as and they've got lots of podcasts. But honey, no, no, no, no honor grass peace we live in and the clamor life like celebrities and sharing other favorite peeby recipes. But honey, no, no, no, no auntographs no
I got no autop
