Hi everyone, I'm Kitty Kuric, and this is next question. What if the next time someone annoyed you, antagonized you, or confused you, and you just said let them? It might sound counterintuitive, but Mel Robbins, the Queen of Practical Wisdom, says those two words can actually change your life. In her latest book, The Let Them Theory, Mel unpacks how letting others be themselves and focusing on your response frees you to let go and take control of your own happiness. Mel generously offers anecdotes from her own life and from her daughter Sawyers, with whom she wrote the book to illustrate how she's used, and sometimes to her chagrin, not used, the let them let Me theory. It's an amazing tool that will stop you from being mister or misfit, which come on, can be exhausting, and help you get clear about what's really important in life. Sounds pretty good, right. Here's our conversation. First of all, Mel Robins, I can't believe I've never met you. Welcome to our little podcast. Next question compared to yours, it's kind of little.

Hi everyone, I'm Kitty Kuric, and this is next question. What if the next time someone annoyed you, antagonized you, or confused you, and you just said let them? It might sound counterintuitive, but Mel Robbins, the Queen of Practical Wisdom, says those two words can actually change your life. In her latest book, The Let Them Theory, Mel unpacks how letting others be themselves and focusing on your response frees you to let go and take control of your own happiness. Mel generously offers anecdotes from her own life and from her daughter Sawyers, with whom she wrote the book to illustrate how she's used, and sometimes to her chagrin, not used, the let them let Me theory. It's an amazing tool that will stop you from being mister or misfit, which come on, can be exhausting, and help you get clear about what's really important in life. Sounds pretty good, right. Here's our conversation. First of all, Mel Robins, I can't believe I've never met you. Welcome to our little podcast. Next question compared to yours, it's kind of little.

Well, it's still important, and I cannot believe I haven't met you. Either because I have admired you and watched you from afar forever. So thank you for the opportunity to meet you, thank you for the opportunity to sit down and talk to you. Thank you for the opportunity to spend time with the person that is spending time together with us right now. I'm really excited.

Well, it's still important, and I cannot believe I haven't met you. Either because I have admired you and watched you from afar forever. So thank you for the opportunity to meet you, thank you for the opportunity to sit down and talk to you. Thank you for the opportunity to spend time with the person that is spending time together with us right now. I'm really excited.

Yeah, I am too. And before we talk about your new book that you wrote with your daughter Sawyer, called The Let Them Theory, which I have a lot of questions about, I have to ask you a little bit about your life, Mel, because we're just getting to know each other. I've read a lot of profiles of you, and you're you're kind of exploding right now. Although you've been working very hard for I guess the last thirteen years or so, building your reputation and your company and more recently your podcast. But you've been writing books, you've been doing audio books, you've been doing Ted talks, so you have been working hard. So how did you become Mel Robbins? How did this happen? And I love that you give advice, but how did you get to a point where you felt like, yeah, I know enough about the world and about life to give advice.

Yeah, I am too. And before we talk about your new book that you wrote with your daughter Sawyer, called The Let Them Theory, which I have a lot of questions about, I have to ask you a little bit about your life, Mel, because we're just getting to know each other. I've read a lot of profiles of you, and you're you're kind of exploding right now. Although you've been working very hard for I guess the last thirteen years or so, building your reputation and your company and more recently your podcast. But you've been writing books, you've been doing audio books, you've been doing Ted talks, so you have been working hard. So how did you become Mel Robbins? How did this happen? And I love that you give advice, but how did you get to a point where you felt like, yeah, I know enough about the world and about life to give advice.

You know, the way that I got to where I am is first I screwed up my own life, like I have to learn everything the hard way. I don't know what it is about me, but I either have to fall into a hole because I'm not paying attention, or I have to dig one for myself and then sit in it and wallow and wish somebody would come and help me and solve my problems. And I've learned over and over and over in my life that no one is coming to save you, and that your life is your responsibility. And let's look at the word responsibility. Responsibility is the ability to respond. And I didn't know until recently that we give so much power to things that are beyond our control. Whether it is your past, it's already happened. And at any moment, you can decide that you're going to become a different person, and you become a different person by figuring out what direction you want to move in and then slowly but surely aligning your actions every day with the kind of person you'd like to be or the things it is that you'd like to do. And one of the things that surprises me now that I look back and I think it's the reason why I'm so driven to share, to teach, to have conversations like the one that you and I are having to with the person that's listening to us right now, is that I have caused myself so much headache and so much heartache, and I've caused other people so many headaches and so much heartache, Katie, because I didn't know, and I didn't know what the problem was. I didn't know what I was dealing with. And it covers everything. It covers everything from I'll just give you an example. I had no idea that I struggled with ADHD and dyslexia until I was forty seven years old, no idea. I am part of a lost generation of women who were diagnosed with anxiety in their late teens and their twenties when the real issue all along is that you had undiagnosed dyslexia or undiagnosed ADHD. And I didn't know that the real issue was an anxiety. See, anxiety is a symptom. It's a symptom that something is not getting addressed. And instead what happened is I would sit in classrooms and clearly I've got a brain that's not able to learn the way that public schools are teaching. And I also have ADHD, which presents other issues around the ability to direct attention. But back in the eighties, nobody knew that girls could get ADHD because they had only studied boys. And so there's this entire generation of women that were diagnosed with anxiety medicated for anxiety that are now finding out that they have ADHD later in life. And you want to know the number one way that women find out that they have ADHD. How their kids are going through the process in elementary school and middle school of being assessed for quote, behavioral problems and then a neuropsychoval lo and behold, turns out that they have a learning style difference or they have attention issue us And if you don't address this, you have a human being that can't do well.

You know, the way that I got to where I am is first I screwed up my own life, like I have to learn everything the hard way. I don't know what it is about me, but I either have to fall into a hole because I'm not paying attention, or I have to dig one for myself and then sit in it and wallow and wish somebody would come and help me and solve my problems. And I've learned over and over and over in my life that no one is coming to save you, and that your life is your responsibility. And let's look at the word responsibility. Responsibility is the ability to respond. And I didn't know until recently that we give so much power to things that are beyond our control. Whether it is your past, it's already happened. And at any moment, you can decide that you're going to become a different person, and you become a different person by figuring out what direction you want to move in and then slowly but surely aligning your actions every day with the kind of person you'd like to be or the things it is that you'd like to do. And one of the things that surprises me now that I look back and I think it's the reason why I'm so driven to share, to teach, to have conversations like the one that you and I are having to with the person that's listening to us right now, is that I have caused myself so much headache and so much heartache, and I've caused other people so many headaches and so much heartache, Katie, because I didn't know, and I didn't know what the problem was. I didn't know what I was dealing with. And it covers everything. It covers everything from I'll just give you an example. I had no idea that I struggled with ADHD and dyslexia until I was forty seven years old, no idea. I am part of a lost generation of women who were diagnosed with anxiety in their late teens and their twenties when the real issue all along is that you had undiagnosed dyslexia or undiagnosed ADHD. And I didn't know that the real issue was an anxiety. See, anxiety is a symptom. It's a symptom that something is not getting addressed. And instead what happened is I would sit in classrooms and clearly I've got a brain that's not able to learn the way that public schools are teaching. And I also have ADHD, which presents other issues around the ability to direct attention. But back in the eighties, nobody knew that girls could get ADHD because they had only studied boys. And so there's this entire generation of women that were diagnosed with anxiety medicated for anxiety that are now finding out that they have ADHD later in life. And you want to know the number one way that women find out that they have ADHD. How their kids are going through the process in elementary school and middle school of being assessed for quote, behavioral problems and then a neuropsychoval lo and behold, turns out that they have a learning style difference or they have attention issue us And if you don't address this, you have a human being that can't do well.

That's so funny that you mentioned your kids, because my daughter always tells me I have ADHD. I don't think I have ADHD.

That's so funny that you mentioned your kids, because my daughter always tells me I have ADHD. I don't think I have ADHD.

Mail well, if your life is working well and you're not experiencing anxiety, then maybe you do or maybe you don't. But for me, I could never understand why I Why am I so confident? And I can't remember birthdays. Why is it that I'm always running late? Why do I have to have fifty thousand things going on?

Mail well, if your life is working well and you're not experiencing anxiety, then maybe you do or maybe you don't. But for me, I could never understand why I Why am I so confident? And I can't remember birthdays. Why is it that I'm always running late? Why do I have to have fifty thousand things going on?

Why are you really managed so well? You went to Dartmouth, right, I mean, it's hard to get into Dartmouth.

Why are you really managed so well? You went to Dartmouth, right, I mean, it's hard to get into Dartmouth.

Nine nineteen eighty six.

Nine nineteen eighty six.

That's really hard. No, come on, now, I disagree. It was still hard to get into the Dartmouth so you had to do pretty well. Then you went to law school. So I'm just saying you were highly functioning individual.

That's really hard. No, come on, now, I disagree. It was still hard to get into the Dartmouth so you had to do pretty well. Then you went to law school. So I'm just saying you were highly functioning individual.

Right, Yes, I was high functioning, but let's talk about law school. So if you have dyslexia, And by the way, Dartmouth was basically one giant wash for me, I don't remember it because I was constantly in a state of fight or flight, because I had actually not been diagnosed with anxiety. So I went through college in a constant state of feeling on edge and over compensating by drinking procrastinating all nighters. I was a walking red flag Katie because I didn't know what the problem was with me. And so I was the kind of person that, yes, I could freestyle really well, but it nearly killed me to finish a paper. And when you start to look at yourself through a lens that number one. If I'm not doing well, there's probably some problem that's underneath all this that I've never actually realized is an issue for me. And until I figure that out, I'm going to continue to struggle. And the good news is as soon as you kind of know what you're dealing with or what you would like to change in your life, there are simple things you can do.

Right, Yes, I was high functioning, but let's talk about law school. So if you have dyslexia, And by the way, Dartmouth was basically one giant wash for me, I don't remember it because I was constantly in a state of fight or flight, because I had actually not been diagnosed with anxiety. So I went through college in a constant state of feeling on edge and over compensating by drinking procrastinating all nighters. I was a walking red flag Katie because I didn't know what the problem was with me. And so I was the kind of person that, yes, I could freestyle really well, but it nearly killed me to finish a paper. And when you start to look at yourself through a lens that number one. If I'm not doing well, there's probably some problem that's underneath all this that I've never actually realized is an issue for me. And until I figure that out, I'm going to continue to struggle. And the good news is as soon as you kind of know what you're dealing with or what you would like to change in your life, there are simple things you can do.

The first book, I guess, or one of the first books you wrote, was The five second Rule, and that was when you were forty one. You were eight hundred thousand dollars in debt. That's a lot of unemployed. You're watching your husband's restaurant business crumble. That's what you're writing in the book. You write, it felt like we had failed at life, with no hope of ever escaping the debt. Under the weight of this situation, you found yourself procrastinating and avoiding solving the problems. But then you were like, let's try this five second rule. I mean, how did you come up with that?

The first book, I guess, or one of the first books you wrote, was The five second Rule, and that was when you were forty one. You were eight hundred thousand dollars in debt. That's a lot of unemployed. You're watching your husband's restaurant business crumble. That's what you're writing in the book. You write, it felt like we had failed at life, with no hope of ever escaping the debt. Under the weight of this situation, you found yourself procrastinating and avoiding solving the problems. But then you were like, let's try this five second rule. I mean, how did you come up with that?

And what is it?

And what is it?

Exactly? Okay?

Exactly? Okay?

The five second rule is a little mindset hack that helps you push through any excuse or any emotion or any feeling that you have, so you take action. And the thesis is very simple. Just like food drops on the floor and you have five seconds to pick it up right, blow the dog here off, and then you can eat it. You have five seconds to act on an idea before your brain contaminates your will to move. It's that simple. And what happened for me, here's the true story is. And again I'm going to jump back and forth between what I knew then and what I know now, Because when you find yourself stuck in life, whether it's crippling grief, which I know you've experienced, or it is all of a sudden the world changes, or your job changes, or circumstance changes in a relationship and you find yourself single, or you find yourself in a new chapter, or you find yourself as an empty nester, or you find yourself in a situation where you don't like what's happening in your community or the world around you. It is normal to feel stressed about that and paralyzed us right and actually in the moment, if the issue is big enough, feeling stressed or paralyzed is a sign that you're mentally well because the response is actually appropriate to the thing that you're dealing with. The issue is that none of us understand that when and you get to a point where you're super stressed about something and you start to feel anxious, which is simply just feeling stressed all the time. I mean, anxiety and stress are the same physiological things in your body. I didn't know this at the time when I was forty one. I just knew that I had eight hundred thousand dollars in debt, that the bills were piling up on the kitchen counter. I couldn't open them. I didn't have money in the bank anyway, I didn't. We were struggling to get gas in the tank and food on the table. I hadn't told my parents, I hadn't told my friends, friends had invested. We're also in a community where we have lots of friends and you're trying to keep up and you don't want people to know. And so I did feel paralyzed. And the thing that's interesting that I really want to underscore for particularly the person that's listening and spending time with us right now, whether this applies to you in your life at this moment, or it applies to somebody that you love who is seemingly stuck. Is that nobody's actually stuck. A person who's stuck isn't actually paralleled because you're in deep conflict with yourself. You know when you're not thriving. You know when you're making decisions that are taking your life down the wrong road. Like the hardest working person in a classroom is not the person getting a's. It's the person that's failing because they're struggling all the time. Even if it looks like they're not doing anything on the outside, they're constantly in conflict knowing that they are not reaching their potential, that they're not trying how they can. Same thing is true with health. Someone in your life that you wish that would be healthy. We make the mistake of thinking they're not motivated. That's not true at all. They're in deep conflict with themselves. They know that there are things that they can do. It's not an issue of willpower, it's an issue of skill. And so I think that's an important backdrop because I didn't know any of this, and so you can start to feel like you're the only one that's trapped. You're the idiot that can't figure this out, that somehow you screwed up when truly it's not just you that there are things you can do. And for me, I knew what I needed to do. I'm not an idiot. I knew that if we're that much in debt, Katie, I need to get a job. I could ask for help. I need to get my butt out the front door and go for a walk, because all the experts say it's going to make me feel better. I know that drinking half a bottle of bourbon every night is probably not helping the situation. Neither is waking up hungover and then hitting the snooze button six times. But you get so stuck in the stress of it, and that keeps you in it. And so what happened, And this is the true story. It was February two thousand and eight, and so also the housing crisis going down, and I'm sitting in front of the television.

The five second rule is a little mindset hack that helps you push through any excuse or any emotion or any feeling that you have, so you take action. And the thesis is very simple. Just like food drops on the floor and you have five seconds to pick it up right, blow the dog here off, and then you can eat it. You have five seconds to act on an idea before your brain contaminates your will to move. It's that simple. And what happened for me, here's the true story is. And again I'm going to jump back and forth between what I knew then and what I know now, Because when you find yourself stuck in life, whether it's crippling grief, which I know you've experienced, or it is all of a sudden the world changes, or your job changes, or circumstance changes in a relationship and you find yourself single, or you find yourself in a new chapter, or you find yourself as an empty nester, or you find yourself in a situation where you don't like what's happening in your community or the world around you. It is normal to feel stressed about that and paralyzed us right and actually in the moment, if the issue is big enough, feeling stressed or paralyzed is a sign that you're mentally well because the response is actually appropriate to the thing that you're dealing with. The issue is that none of us understand that when and you get to a point where you're super stressed about something and you start to feel anxious, which is simply just feeling stressed all the time. I mean, anxiety and stress are the same physiological things in your body. I didn't know this at the time when I was forty one. I just knew that I had eight hundred thousand dollars in debt, that the bills were piling up on the kitchen counter. I couldn't open them. I didn't have money in the bank anyway, I didn't. We were struggling to get gas in the tank and food on the table. I hadn't told my parents, I hadn't told my friends, friends had invested. We're also in a community where we have lots of friends and you're trying to keep up and you don't want people to know. And so I did feel paralyzed. And the thing that's interesting that I really want to underscore for particularly the person that's listening and spending time with us right now, whether this applies to you in your life at this moment, or it applies to somebody that you love who is seemingly stuck. Is that nobody's actually stuck. A person who's stuck isn't actually paralleled because you're in deep conflict with yourself. You know when you're not thriving. You know when you're making decisions that are taking your life down the wrong road. Like the hardest working person in a classroom is not the person getting a's. It's the person that's failing because they're struggling all the time. Even if it looks like they're not doing anything on the outside, they're constantly in conflict knowing that they are not reaching their potential, that they're not trying how they can. Same thing is true with health. Someone in your life that you wish that would be healthy. We make the mistake of thinking they're not motivated. That's not true at all. They're in deep conflict with themselves. They know that there are things that they can do. It's not an issue of willpower, it's an issue of skill. And so I think that's an important backdrop because I didn't know any of this, and so you can start to feel like you're the only one that's trapped. You're the idiot that can't figure this out, that somehow you screwed up when truly it's not just you that there are things you can do. And for me, I knew what I needed to do. I'm not an idiot. I knew that if we're that much in debt, Katie, I need to get a job. I could ask for help. I need to get my butt out the front door and go for a walk, because all the experts say it's going to make me feel better. I know that drinking half a bottle of bourbon every night is probably not helping the situation. Neither is waking up hungover and then hitting the snooze button six times. But you get so stuck in the stress of it, and that keeps you in it. And so what happened, And this is the true story. It was February two thousand and eight, and so also the housing crisis going down, and I'm sitting in front of the television.

I'm like, that's it.

I'm like, that's it.

Mel Robbins. Tomorrow morning, woman, it's a new you. Tomorrow morning. You have got to stop drinking. You have got to stop screaming a Chris. It's not like he tried to fail at the restaurant business. You know, you gotta call your parents. You got to you got to pick up the phone and look for a job. And by God, woman, when that alarm rings, you cannot lay there like a human pot roast, marinating and fear staring at the ceiling. You have got to get your butt out of bed and get those kids on the bus. And all of a sudden, this rocket ship launches across the television screen, and it gave me this crazy idea. I thought it was like a sign from Like, that's a sign from God. Tomorrow morning, when that alarm rings, mel you are gonna launch yourself out of bed like a rocket ship. You're gonna move so fast you're not gonna be in that bed when that anxiety hits. Now, it could have been the four bourbon Manhattans. It gave me that idea because I was drinking an awful lot back then, and.

Mel Robbins. Tomorrow morning, woman, it's a new you. Tomorrow morning. You have got to stop drinking. You have got to stop screaming a Chris. It's not like he tried to fail at the restaurant business. You know, you gotta call your parents. You got to you got to pick up the phone and look for a job. And by God, woman, when that alarm rings, you cannot lay there like a human pot roast, marinating and fear staring at the ceiling. You have got to get your butt out of bed and get those kids on the bus. And all of a sudden, this rocket ship launches across the television screen, and it gave me this crazy idea. I thought it was like a sign from Like, that's a sign from God. Tomorrow morning, when that alarm rings, mel you are gonna launch yourself out of bed like a rocket ship. You're gonna move so fast you're not gonna be in that bed when that anxiety hits. Now, it could have been the four bourbon Manhattans. It gave me that idea because I was drinking an awful lot back then, and.

It sounds kind of stupid.

It sounds kind of stupid.

Yeah right, They're delicious, especially this time of year, so it sounds stupid. So the next morning, the alarm ring, and that's when I saw something that I'd never seen before. And once you embrace what I'm about to share with you, you will never look at life the same again. There is a five second window that defines your whole life. It determines how much money you make, It determines how healthy you are, It determines the kind of relationship you have with your kids and with your parents and with your loved ones. It's this five second window between knowing what you need to do and actually doing it. There's this moment of hesitation that we all have in the small moments in life, where you have this instinct that you should pick up the phone or start the conversation, or get off the couch and go to the gym, and instead of actually doing it, we make this fatal mistake where we hesitate and then we stop and think about how we feel about doing it. And so that morning, Tuesday morning, February two thousand and eight, the alarm rings and I immediately remember that dumb idea at a launch out of bed, and I stop and think, do I feel like getting out of bed? I'm like, it's it's cold, it's winter in Massachusetts. How the hell is this going to help. I'm mean, hundred thousand dollars in day, I don't want to get out of bed, and I start reaching for the snooze button. Because it was a habit and a habit's just a pattern. And for whatever reason, I just started counting backwards that morning, five four three two one, and then I stood up and it struck me like, I was kind of like, that's strange. And I was in such a state of desperation that I just dismissed my kind of pragmatic, cynical side, and I thought, what if this is a sign from God? What if this is a magic trip, what if this works? And so I made myself a promise. I said, any moment that I have today where I know what I could do but I don't feel like it, I'm just going to count backwards and see what happens. And that was the beginning of an entirely new life.

Yeah right, They're delicious, especially this time of year, so it sounds stupid. So the next morning, the alarm ring, and that's when I saw something that I'd never seen before. And once you embrace what I'm about to share with you, you will never look at life the same again. There is a five second window that defines your whole life. It determines how much money you make, It determines how healthy you are, It determines the kind of relationship you have with your kids and with your parents and with your loved ones. It's this five second window between knowing what you need to do and actually doing it. There's this moment of hesitation that we all have in the small moments in life, where you have this instinct that you should pick up the phone or start the conversation, or get off the couch and go to the gym, and instead of actually doing it, we make this fatal mistake where we hesitate and then we stop and think about how we feel about doing it. And so that morning, Tuesday morning, February two thousand and eight, the alarm rings and I immediately remember that dumb idea at a launch out of bed, and I stop and think, do I feel like getting out of bed? I'm like, it's it's cold, it's winter in Massachusetts. How the hell is this going to help. I'm mean, hundred thousand dollars in day, I don't want to get out of bed, and I start reaching for the snooze button. Because it was a habit and a habit's just a pattern. And for whatever reason, I just started counting backwards that morning, five four three two one, and then I stood up and it struck me like, I was kind of like, that's strange. And I was in such a state of desperation that I just dismissed my kind of pragmatic, cynical side, and I thought, what if this is a sign from God? What if this is a magic trip, what if this works? And so I made myself a promise. I said, any moment that I have today where I know what I could do but I don't feel like it, I'm just going to count backwards and see what happens. And that was the beginning of an entirely new life.

If you want to get smarter every morning with a breakdown of the news and fascinating takes on health and wellness and pop culture, sign up for our daily newsletter, Wake Up Call by going to Katiecuric dot com. So here we are seven years later, and your journey has continued. Yes, and you are still writing and thinking about ways that could improve your life that as a result, is improving the lives of so many other people. And your new book, which you wrote with your daughter Sawyer is called the Let Them Theory. So that's obviously the focus of our conversation today because we want everyone to read this book. And I know you just had an interview with Oprah and she said, I mean, this is a woman who knows about self help. Mel And what did she say to you about your book?

If you want to get smarter every morning with a breakdown of the news and fascinating takes on health and wellness and pop culture, sign up for our daily newsletter, Wake Up Call by going to Katiecuric dot com. So here we are seven years later, and your journey has continued. Yes, and you are still writing and thinking about ways that could improve your life that as a result, is improving the lives of so many other people. And your new book, which you wrote with your daughter Sawyer is called the Let Them Theory. So that's obviously the focus of our conversation today because we want everyone to read this book. And I know you just had an interview with Oprah and she said, I mean, this is a woman who knows about self help. Mel And what did she say to you about your book?

I'm still processing it. She said that this is the single best self help book she has ever read.

I'm still processing it. She said that this is the single best self help book she has ever read.

Wow, And that.

Wow, And that.

It is the message and tool that humanity needs right now for this extremely overwhelming and challenging and conflict driven moment in time that we're all living in. Because ultimately, the Let Them Theory is about what you can control and what you can't control, and it is ultimately a book that will fundamentally change your relationship to yourself and your relationship to other people.

It is the message and tool that humanity needs right now for this extremely overwhelming and challenging and conflict driven moment in time that we're all living in. Because ultimately, the Let Them Theory is about what you can control and what you can't control, and it is ultimately a book that will fundamentally change your relationship to yourself and your relationship to other people.

This all started in May of twenty twenty three. Yes, when you posted on TikTok about the Let Them Theory of video that went uber uber viral. Yes, you were, I guess writing the book at the time. Oh no, no, no no, So the TikTok video prompted the book.

This all started in May of twenty twenty three. Yes, when you posted on TikTok about the Let Them Theory of video that went uber uber viral. Yes, you were, I guess writing the book at the time. Oh no, no, no no, So the TikTok video prompted the book.

Well, what happened is I had an experience I never thought i'd be sitting across from you, Katie, saying, I discovered something at a high school prom that changed my life. But it was our son. We have three children, they're twenty five, twenty three, and nineteen. It was Soakley, right, Yeah, Oakley was at his prom and I was your typical psycho micromanaging mother from the carsage, to the tucks, to the shoes to this to that. And we're at the pre prom party and our daughter Kendall, who's twenty three, was home from college at the time, and they're taking photos and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, Katie, it starts pouring ring And so you got twenty kids in black tie and all these parents milling about and they're about to all leave to head out, and nobody has umbrellas and nobody has any raincoats. And by the way, for some reason, all the kids in southern Vermont drive to the prom, which was new to me, you know, raising our daughters in Boston, where everybody had buses and this and that. And so I'm like, wait, you're driving. Why are you borrowing dad's truck? Like, what's gonna happen with it? I don't understand this, And now it's raining. And then I say to Oakley, where are you guys going for dinner? As they're trying to head out the door, and the parents are like, wait, you can't go yeah, and he's like, I don't know. And I was like, you don't have reservations for prom? He's like no, And I turned to my husband. I'm like, they do I have reservations for prom? And he's like, a guest's not. And I'm like why. I don't know why it bothered me so much, but it bothered me Katie. And so I go, well, hold on, let me see if I can find you something. And now all the parents are milling about and I'm starting to you know, when you get that like volcano of emotion.

Well, what happened is I had an experience I never thought i'd be sitting across from you, Katie, saying, I discovered something at a high school prom that changed my life. But it was our son. We have three children, they're twenty five, twenty three, and nineteen. It was Soakley, right, Yeah, Oakley was at his prom and I was your typical psycho micromanaging mother from the carsage, to the tucks, to the shoes to this to that. And we're at the pre prom party and our daughter Kendall, who's twenty three, was home from college at the time, and they're taking photos and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, Katie, it starts pouring ring And so you got twenty kids in black tie and all these parents milling about and they're about to all leave to head out, and nobody has umbrellas and nobody has any raincoats. And by the way, for some reason, all the kids in southern Vermont drive to the prom, which was new to me, you know, raising our daughters in Boston, where everybody had buses and this and that. And so I'm like, wait, you're driving. Why are you borrowing dad's truck? Like, what's gonna happen with it? I don't understand this, And now it's raining. And then I say to Oakley, where are you guys going for dinner? As they're trying to head out the door, and the parents are like, wait, you can't go yeah, and he's like, I don't know. And I was like, you don't have reservations for prom? He's like no, And I turned to my husband. I'm like, they do I have reservations for prom? And he's like, a guest's not. And I'm like why. I don't know why it bothered me so much, but it bothered me Katie. And so I go, well, hold on, let me see if I can find you something. And now all the parents are milling about and I'm starting to you know, when you get that like volcano of emotion.

That just yeah, you know, I'm familiar with that.

That just yeah, you know, I'm familiar with that.

And as it's coming up and you feel the words coming you're out of your mouth, or the text that you're about to kind of send coming, and I'm starting to feel that wave of panic hit as I'm trying to find a reservation and we're trying to get twenty kids to not run out into a rainstorm and just destroy their hair and their dresses and their shoes. My daughter sees it coming and she reaches out and grabs my arm and yanks me to her, and she like grits her teeth and she's like, them, you're being annoying. If they want to go to the taco stamp, let them. If they want to be in the print, let them. If he's going to run his shoes, let them. And she started saying this cascade of let her ruin her hair, let them ud get under dress, let them do what they want to do, and she kind of ended it with mom, it's their prom, not yours. Let them, and that final let them was like a sledgehammer, And all of a sudden, my shoulders just dropped, and I thought, let them, like why do I care? Like why am I not thinking about where I'm going to dinner? And so I said to o, hey, Oak, and he turned around. He's like, what you know, because of course I've been super irritating and annoying. And I'm like nothing, but here's forty bucks. Go have fun. And then you saw his shoulders drop and there was this huge smile that his face and that was that. And the next day I woke up and I'm at the grocery store and there's like five people in front of me and one cashier and it's like beep pep me. And again that sort of like volcano of emotion starts rising up, and I start, what do you do in line when that's happening.

And as it's coming up and you feel the words coming you're out of your mouth, or the text that you're about to kind of send coming, and I'm starting to feel that wave of panic hit as I'm trying to find a reservation and we're trying to get twenty kids to not run out into a rainstorm and just destroy their hair and their dresses and their shoes. My daughter sees it coming and she reaches out and grabs my arm and yanks me to her, and she like grits her teeth and she's like, them, you're being annoying. If they want to go to the taco stamp, let them. If they want to be in the print, let them. If he's going to run his shoes, let them. And she started saying this cascade of let her ruin her hair, let them ud get under dress, let them do what they want to do, and she kind of ended it with mom, it's their prom, not yours. Let them, and that final let them was like a sledgehammer, And all of a sudden, my shoulders just dropped, and I thought, let them, like why do I care? Like why am I not thinking about where I'm going to dinner? And so I said to o, hey, Oak, and he turned around. He's like, what you know, because of course I've been super irritating and annoying. And I'm like nothing, but here's forty bucks. Go have fun. And then you saw his shoulders drop and there was this huge smile that his face and that was that. And the next day I woke up and I'm at the grocery store and there's like five people in front of me and one cashier and it's like beep pep me. And again that sort of like volcano of emotion starts rising up, and I start, what do you do in line when that's happening.

You get exasperated and you're rolling your eyes and you're like clearing your throats and you're getting aggravated.

You get exasperated and you're rolling your eyes and you're like clearing your throats and you're getting aggravated.

Yes, and you now think that you know how to run a grocery store better than the manager. And I said, let them, and my shoulders dropped and I just started using it and I started to notice something. Oh my god, people are really annoying. Holy cow. People's moods are really getting to me. Wow, that Zoom meeting really drained me. Holy cow. I've got opinions about traffic, I've got opinions about my mother in law's expectations, I've got And it occurred to me, holy cow, I'm allowing so many people and so much stuff that's beneath me, and that is not my job to manage to drain the two most precious resources I have in life, time and energy. See, your life is determined by what you put your time into and what you pour your energy into, and so I've got news for you. If you are tired, or you are overwhelmed, or you feel like you're last on your list, or you're just frustrated with some dynamic in a relationship, or you're frustrated with the world at large, or you're just not as happy as you'd like to be, the problem isn't you. The problem is that you unknowingly give power to other people and to things that you can't control. And all day long, you're allowing people who are an annoying or who are emotionally immature, or who are doing things that you're never going to be able to control.

Yes, and you now think that you know how to run a grocery store better than the manager. And I said, let them, and my shoulders dropped and I just started using it and I started to notice something. Oh my god, people are really annoying. Holy cow. People's moods are really getting to me. Wow, that Zoom meeting really drained me. Holy cow. I've got opinions about traffic, I've got opinions about my mother in law's expectations, I've got And it occurred to me, holy cow, I'm allowing so many people and so much stuff that's beneath me, and that is not my job to manage to drain the two most precious resources I have in life, time and energy. See, your life is determined by what you put your time into and what you pour your energy into, and so I've got news for you. If you are tired, or you are overwhelmed, or you feel like you're last on your list, or you're just frustrated with some dynamic in a relationship, or you're frustrated with the world at large, or you're just not as happy as you'd like to be, the problem isn't you. The problem is that you unknowingly give power to other people and to things that you can't control. And all day long, you're allowing people who are an annoying or who are emotionally immature, or who are doing things that you're never going to be able to control.

Anyway, to impact you.

Anyway, to impact you.

And it's stupid. And so I use this for a week, and I'm telling you, Katie, just like I felt, I knew. I have never felt this peaceful. I have never felt like I truly could put boundaries up between me and the world. I had never felt more in control. And so I naturally went to social media and I shared this simple thing, and I was literally like, you know, if your friends don't invite you, out let them. If your kids don't want to help you do something, let them. If the person that you're dating doesn't want a commitment, let them. Let people reveal who they are and what they care about, stop trying to manage them. Because when somebody reveals who they are and what they care about, now you get to choose. You get to choose whether or not you pour time and energy into this. In twenty four hours, it was fifteen million views.

And it's stupid. And so I use this for a week, and I'm telling you, Katie, just like I felt, I knew. I have never felt this peaceful. I have never felt like I truly could put boundaries up between me and the world. I had never felt more in control. And so I naturally went to social media and I shared this simple thing, and I was literally like, you know, if your friends don't invite you, out let them. If your kids don't want to help you do something, let them. If the person that you're dating doesn't want a commitment, let them. Let people reveal who they are and what they care about, stop trying to manage them. Because when somebody reveals who they are and what they care about, now you get to choose. You get to choose whether or not you pour time and energy into this. In twenty four hours, it was fifteen million views.

Why did it resonate so much? You think, why do you think it did? Maybe because increasingly people have felt out of control in this crazy world we're living in for a whole host of reasons. Yes, And maybe their impulse to control has gotten stronger as the world's gotten scarier. And so maybe that, you know, to Oprah's point, at this moment in time, this is what people really needed to hear, because people feel out of control, and I guess your response is to control more when you feel that way, right.

Why did it resonate so much? You think, why do you think it did? Maybe because increasingly people have felt out of control in this crazy world we're living in for a whole host of reasons. Yes, And maybe their impulse to control has gotten stronger as the world's gotten scarier. And so maybe that, you know, to Oprah's point, at this moment in time, this is what people really needed to hear, because people feel out of control, and I guess your response is to control more when you feel that way, right.

Exactly, And actually you're the first person that has explained it that way, and you're exactly right. And one of the things that is so powerful about this, especially in this moment in time, is that ultimately every human being has a hardwired need to be in control. It is it is a survival mechan it is something that you will never get rid of. And we've been working against it. See, when you're in control of your life, you actually feel safe and you feel confident, and you feel.

Exactly, And actually you're the first person that has explained it that way, and you're exactly right. And one of the things that is so powerful about this, especially in this moment in time, is that ultimately every human being has a hardwired need to be in control. It is it is a survival mechan it is something that you will never get rid of. And we've been working against it. See, when you're in control of your life, you actually feel safe and you feel confident, and you feel.

Like less scared.

Like less scared.

Yes we are, you know, yes we are. Whether you're scared because your adult children aren't doing well, or you're scared because your parents' health are failing, or whether you're scared because of the state of politics, or you're scared because you see the rising cost of living, or you're scared because you have a health diagnosis. And so we need to feel like we're in control of our decisions, of our actions, of our future, of our lives. And we also, by the way, and this is where it gets tricky, is that when somebody around us does something that worries us, or hurts us, or frustrates the hell out of us us or stresses us out, guess what, it makes us feel like we're not in control because now we're worried about you. So then what do we do We try to control you and fix problems. Yes, right, yes, But then here's the problem, Katie. If your behavior is stressing me out and I then step in and try to tell you what to do, guess what. You also have a need to be in control of yourself, and so you are going to push back against me. And so we have gotten into this state in our families, in our love lives, with our kids, with our friends, and even at a global level when you talk about global conversations or the way that people are so polarized. We have gotten to a point where our need to control has spiraled out of control. And the fundamental thing that I need that I'm trying to make everybody understand is this. If there is one thing on the planet you will never be able to control. It's what another person does, says, or feels. Period. Any energy you put into trying to control what somebody does or trying to manipulate how they feel or trying to ensure that they're going to think a certain thing will backfire. It will create more stress and frustration for you, and it will create more friction and tension in your relationships. I worked against this fundamental law in every relationship I had for fifty four years. And when I discovered the let them theory, and I started saying let them because here's how the theory works. There's two parts. Any moment that you're frustrated, you read the headlines, you're frustrated for me. This morning, I literally got stuck in an elevator and had to be rescued by the New York City Fire Department. Shout out to Latter seven. You guys were amazing. We're in there for fifty minutes. Do you want to know how I didn't have a panic attack. I recognized in the moment what's in my control. It's not, So let them. Let them take their time, them figure out how to do this safely. Let them do what they're.

Yes we are, you know, yes we are. Whether you're scared because your adult children aren't doing well, or you're scared because your parents' health are failing, or whether you're scared because of the state of politics, or you're scared because you see the rising cost of living, or you're scared because you have a health diagnosis. And so we need to feel like we're in control of our decisions, of our actions, of our future, of our lives. And we also, by the way, and this is where it gets tricky, is that when somebody around us does something that worries us, or hurts us, or frustrates the hell out of us us or stresses us out, guess what, it makes us feel like we're not in control because now we're worried about you. So then what do we do We try to control you and fix problems. Yes, right, yes, But then here's the problem, Katie. If your behavior is stressing me out and I then step in and try to tell you what to do, guess what. You also have a need to be in control of yourself, and so you are going to push back against me. And so we have gotten into this state in our families, in our love lives, with our kids, with our friends, and even at a global level when you talk about global conversations or the way that people are so polarized. We have gotten to a point where our need to control has spiraled out of control. And the fundamental thing that I need that I'm trying to make everybody understand is this. If there is one thing on the planet you will never be able to control. It's what another person does, says, or feels. Period. Any energy you put into trying to control what somebody does or trying to manipulate how they feel or trying to ensure that they're going to think a certain thing will backfire. It will create more stress and frustration for you, and it will create more friction and tension in your relationships. I worked against this fundamental law in every relationship I had for fifty four years. And when I discovered the let them theory, and I started saying let them because here's how the theory works. There's two parts. Any moment that you're frustrated, you read the headlines, you're frustrated for me. This morning, I literally got stuck in an elevator and had to be rescued by the New York City Fire Department. Shout out to Latter seven. You guys were amazing. We're in there for fifty minutes. Do you want to know how I didn't have a panic attack. I recognized in the moment what's in my control. It's not, So let them. Let them take their time, them figure out how to do this safely. Let them do what they're.

Going to do, the same thing happened to me on Saturday night, but only for ten minutes.

Going to do, the same thing happened to me on Saturday night, but only for ten minutes.

Yeah, but your mind can start spending very quickly.

Yeah, but your mind can start spending very quickly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So when you say let them, you recognize there is nothing about being in an elevator that you have control of. So when you say it, you're actually detaching from the thing you can't control, and so therefore you're protecting yourself from a necessary stress and you're conserving your energy. And then you say the second part.

So when you say let them, you recognize there is nothing about being in an elevator that you have control of. So when you say it, you're actually detaching from the thing you can't control, and so therefore you're protecting yourself from a necessary stress and you're conserving your energy. And then you say the second part.

Which is let me Right, I was going to ask you about let me before we talk about let me melt, let me ask you about one of your them examples. Yes, and it was letting your kids If your kids don't want to do something, let them. So I have to say I had an immediate reaction to that, and I sort of envisioned my parents wanting me to go to Sunday school when I was a kid, or if I wanted my kids to go somewhere because we had made a commitment to be somewhere. I can't even think of an example. I mean, if you just let them, isn't that an invitation to raise really entitled spoiled brats. Absolutely, and that example, honestly, I was like, I'm with mel all the way, but not with kids necessarily.

Which is let me Right, I was going to ask you about let me before we talk about let me melt, let me ask you about one of your them examples. Yes, and it was letting your kids If your kids don't want to do something, let them. So I have to say I had an immediate reaction to that, and I sort of envisioned my parents wanting me to go to Sunday school when I was a kid, or if I wanted my kids to go somewhere because we had made a commitment to be somewhere. I can't even think of an example. I mean, if you just let them, isn't that an invitation to raise really entitled spoiled brats. Absolutely, and that example, honestly, I was like, I'm with mel all the way, but not with kids necessarily.

Well, it depends on the age of the kids, and it also depends on the dynamic. And so first, this is really a book about adult relationships, and so with kids, you're actually in charge. And there's a huge distinction in this book. And at the very end of the book, in the appendix, there's a guide that you can download that is all about how you use this with small children versus how you use this with young adults and adult children.

Well, it depends on the age of the kids, and it also depends on the dynamic. And so first, this is really a book about adult relationships, and so with kids, you're actually in charge. And there's a huge distinction in this book. And at the very end of the book, in the appendix, there's a guide that you can download that is all about how you use this with small children versus how you use this with young adults and adult children.

Got it, But what about say I was envisioning teenagers right who didn't want to go to a funeral. I'm just throwing that at as an example. I'm not going to let them say I don't want to go.

Got it, But what about say I was envisioning teenagers right who didn't want to go to a funeral. I'm just throwing that at as an example. I'm not going to let them say I don't want to go.

Well, here's what you can say. You have to let them say they don't want to go, because that's what they're saying. It's already happened. But then you say, they let me part, and you realize that my control here is truly in what I think, what I do, and how I react to my own feelings, Because if a kid doesn't want to go, that might be a really mentally well response to a very overwhelming situation that scares the hell.

Well, here's what you can say. You have to let them say they don't want to go, because that's what they're saying. It's already happened. But then you say, they let me part, and you realize that my control here is truly in what I think, what I do, and how I react to my own feelings, Because if a kid doesn't want to go, that might be a really mentally well response to a very overwhelming situation that scares the hell.

Okay, yeah, maybe it don't use funeral as an example, like a grandmother's birthday.

Okay, yeah, maybe it don't use funeral as an example, like a grandmother's birthday.

Yes, of hear no one wants to?

Yes, of hear no one wants to?

Yeah?

Yeah?

Yes, and so you're going to just you say let them right, because you don't want to get pissed off, because then your emotions are now driving how you respond.

Yes, and so you're going to just you say let them right, because you don't want to get pissed off, because then your emotions are now driving how you respond.

And well, how do you respond when your sixteen year old says, I don't want to go to Nana's birthday?

And well, how do you respond when your sixteen year old says, I don't want to go to Nana's birthday?

Yeah? I completely understand, and honestly neither do I. But here's the thing. Do you love her?

Yeah? I completely understand, and honestly neither do I. But here's the thing. Do you love her?

Yes?

Yes?

And how do you think it's going to make her feel if you don't go? And what kind of character and value do you have as a person? And don't you think it's going to make you feel like a good person to show up for your grandma? Like sometimes in life the decision to make is don't go because it makes her feel good, go because it makes you know that you're a good person, because you show up for people that show up for you.

And how do you think it's going to make her feel if you don't go? And what kind of character and value do you have as a person? And don't you think it's going to make you feel like a good person to show up for your grandma? Like sometimes in life the decision to make is don't go because it makes her feel good, go because it makes you know that you're a good person, because you show up for people that show up for you.

So let them is not necessarily for kids or even teenagers. Let them acknowledge their feelings, but none don't.

So let them is not necessarily for kids or even teenagers. Let them acknowledge their feelings, but none don't.

Override them like a psycho bitch like I used to be, Like, I don't care how you feel, Get in the car, get your stuff running late anyway? Like do you see what?

Override them like a psycho bitch like I used to be, Like, I don't care how you feel, Get in the car, get your stuff running late anyway? Like do you see what?

Do you see the difference?

Do you see the difference?

And do you see the other thing that I was doing in the role play?

And do you see the other thing that I was doing in the role play?

See?

See?

As a parent, you are responsible for your children's emotional well being. You're responsible for feeding them, for keeping them safe, for providing for them, and you're also responsible more importantly for helping them figure out who they are and helping them understand what character means. And what I was doing because I was able to say, let them, let them be a sixteen year old, because no sixteen year old wants to go to a grandmother's birthday for crying out loud. They want to be on their phones with their friends. That's an age appropriate reaction to that situation. So me reacting like a tornado or a volcano just makes them wrong. And what I do instead is I get control of myself and I act like a mature adult instead of an immature adult who then bars and vents at my child. I acknowledge how they feel, and then I step into my role, which is this is a teaching opportunity.

As a parent, you are responsible for your children's emotional well being. You're responsible for feeding them, for keeping them safe, for providing for them, and you're also responsible more importantly for helping them figure out who they are and helping them understand what character means. And what I was doing because I was able to say, let them, let them be a sixteen year old, because no sixteen year old wants to go to a grandmother's birthday for crying out loud. They want to be on their phones with their friends. That's an age appropriate reaction to that situation. So me reacting like a tornado or a volcano just makes them wrong. And what I do instead is I get control of myself and I act like a mature adult instead of an immature adult who then bars and vents at my child. I acknowledge how they feel, and then I step into my role, which is this is a teaching opportunity.

So I was going to ask you to close the circle on the let them and how it leads to the let me, because that's such an important part of this. So tell me what's in it for me? Everything?

So I was going to ask you to close the circle on the let them and how it leads to the let me, because that's such an important part of this. So tell me what's in it for me? Everything?

Just three selfish everything. Do you want to feel peaceful? Do you want to feel powerful? Do you want to go through life and insulate yourself from all the stressful things that happen all day long? Of course you do. And you can't do that without first giving up control of everything around you. So you can't get sober until you stop drinking. You can't take control of your life, or your confidence, or your power until you stop trying to control everyone and everything around you. And when you say let them, two things happen. Number One, you detach. So now one of the reasons why this is also so extraordinarily powerful is because I didn't just create this out of thin airror this exists. The let them theory exists in a time continuum that dates all the way back to ancient history. The let them theory is deeply rooted in Stoicism, Buddhism, radical acceptance, detachment theory. So the power that you're feeling is from thousands of years of people really talking about Stoic philosophy or being a practicing Buddhist, or learning about radical acceptance. In fact, we were with doctor Martin Luther King, Junior's son and his daughter in law couple days ago, and as we were talking about the let Them theory, they reflected that this is representative of doctor Martin Luther King's work because it is all that is the heart of civil disobedience and peaceful protest, that you have to learn that the power is not in the oppressor. The power is in your response to it. That peace, that love, that non response at times is so much more powerful than hate, and that's the only thing that's in your control. And so I know that this works because I have such deep respect for the lineage and the history through religion, through philosophy, through psychology, through some of the most important moments in human time about what actually created power and breakthroughs for people for moments in time. And it's in focusing on the power that you have. You know, Professor Margaret Meade said that quote that you and I both love, which is, you know it just takes a handful of committed citizens to change everything. In fact, that's the only thing that ever has. And if you don't like what you see happening in your community, or in your family, or in your marriage or with your adult children, don't look to them to fix it. Look to yourself. Stop underestimating your power, your ability through your energy and your action to shift anything over time. And that's why I think this has resonated.

Just three selfish everything. Do you want to feel peaceful? Do you want to feel powerful? Do you want to go through life and insulate yourself from all the stressful things that happen all day long? Of course you do. And you can't do that without first giving up control of everything around you. So you can't get sober until you stop drinking. You can't take control of your life, or your confidence, or your power until you stop trying to control everyone and everything around you. And when you say let them, two things happen. Number One, you detach. So now one of the reasons why this is also so extraordinarily powerful is because I didn't just create this out of thin airror this exists. The let them theory exists in a time continuum that dates all the way back to ancient history. The let them theory is deeply rooted in Stoicism, Buddhism, radical acceptance, detachment theory. So the power that you're feeling is from thousands of years of people really talking about Stoic philosophy or being a practicing Buddhist, or learning about radical acceptance. In fact, we were with doctor Martin Luther King, Junior's son and his daughter in law couple days ago, and as we were talking about the let Them theory, they reflected that this is representative of doctor Martin Luther King's work because it is all that is the heart of civil disobedience and peaceful protest, that you have to learn that the power is not in the oppressor. The power is in your response to it. That peace, that love, that non response at times is so much more powerful than hate, and that's the only thing that's in your control. And so I know that this works because I have such deep respect for the lineage and the history through religion, through philosophy, through psychology, through some of the most important moments in human time about what actually created power and breakthroughs for people for moments in time. And it's in focusing on the power that you have. You know, Professor Margaret Meade said that quote that you and I both love, which is, you know it just takes a handful of committed citizens to change everything. In fact, that's the only thing that ever has. And if you don't like what you see happening in your community, or in your family, or in your marriage or with your adult children, don't look to them to fix it. Look to yourself. Stop underestimating your power, your ability through your energy and your action to shift anything over time. And that's why I think this has resonated.

I would think this would be the anti let me fix it mentality, right not.

I would think this would be the anti let me fix it mentality, right not.

See, most of us when we say let's fix this, are obsessed with what we're trying, with the thing we're trying to fix, or what other people are doing. Stop looking at what everybody else is doing, and come inward and drop into your value and your character and decide what matters to you and the way that you know that something matters to you is not because you're thinking about it. It's because you're doing something about it. And when you are spending so much time I'm worried about this, or I'm worried about that, or that person's frustrating me. What's happening every time you allow somebody else's behavior or what they say to hurt you, to impact you, is you're draining the very energy and time that you need to get to work or to get out of the relationship. And one other thing I want to be very clear about because you know, one of the things that a lot of people, you know, when they are saying, well, what about this, it's always about kids, And you're one hundred percent right. This is not for little kids. This is for you as an adult to actually be the mature adult and to be in control of your emotions and to model behavior and values for your children, because that's who they learn it from. And most of the problems that we have right now are because we've got a bunch of adults walking around that are basically immature eight year olds inside of big bodies, and we're treating them like adults instead of seeing that their little children emotionally let them because you can't control them, and then when you say let me, there's only three things you can ever control. It's your thoughts about what just happened and what you want to do next. It's whether or not you want to respond and how you respond. And it's how you allow your emotions to rise and fall and what you do with them or whether you let them run you over. That's it.

See, most of us when we say let's fix this, are obsessed with what we're trying, with the thing we're trying to fix, or what other people are doing. Stop looking at what everybody else is doing, and come inward and drop into your value and your character and decide what matters to you and the way that you know that something matters to you is not because you're thinking about it. It's because you're doing something about it. And when you are spending so much time I'm worried about this, or I'm worried about that, or that person's frustrating me. What's happening every time you allow somebody else's behavior or what they say to hurt you, to impact you, is you're draining the very energy and time that you need to get to work or to get out of the relationship. And one other thing I want to be very clear about because you know, one of the things that a lot of people, you know, when they are saying, well, what about this, it's always about kids, And you're one hundred percent right. This is not for little kids. This is for you as an adult to actually be the mature adult and to be in control of your emotions and to model behavior and values for your children, because that's who they learn it from. And most of the problems that we have right now are because we've got a bunch of adults walking around that are basically immature eight year olds inside of big bodies, and we're treating them like adults instead of seeing that their little children emotionally let them because you can't control them, and then when you say let me, there's only three things you can ever control. It's your thoughts about what just happened and what you want to do next. It's whether or not you want to respond and how you respond. And it's how you allow your emotions to rise and fall and what you do with them or whether you let them run you over. That's it.

That's all you got, speaking of emotions. It's I think you make some interesting observations about jealousy and about comparison. And I think we live in a world where you know, when I was growing up, I didn't know who had what I mean, I might have known the neighbors got a fancy new car, right, you know, could afford to do something my family couldn't. But it wasn't, you know, it wasn't in my face all the time. Yes, And now we are seeing all these different life experiences. And in addition to Margaret Meade, I love the quote that comparison is the thief of joy, which I thought was Emerson, but it's actually Teddy Roosevelt. Although a lot of people, I guess have been that quote has been attributed to a lot of people. You talk about using those in a positive way. That jealousy is actually not a bad thing.

That's all you got, speaking of emotions. It's I think you make some interesting observations about jealousy and about comparison. And I think we live in a world where you know, when I was growing up, I didn't know who had what I mean, I might have known the neighbors got a fancy new car, right, you know, could afford to do something my family couldn't. But it wasn't, you know, it wasn't in my face all the time. Yes, And now we are seeing all these different life experiences. And in addition to Margaret Meade, I love the quote that comparison is the thief of joy, which I thought was Emerson, but it's actually Teddy Roosevelt. Although a lot of people, I guess have been that quote has been attributed to a lot of people. You talk about using those in a positive way. That jealousy is actually not a bad thing.

No, unless you're wishing somebody bad, But again let them like, I can't control whether or not what somebody does with their jealousy, but I can teach you how to use it to your advantage. So, first of all, jealousy is deeply personal because it's tied to what you desire, and you're never going to feel jealous over something you don't want. Like I'm not jealous in the least when I see somebody pull up in a Lamborghini. I don't want one. I don't care about it. There's nothing that you could do to make me jealous of somebody. But if I see somebody that I was just talking to my friend Jays Shetty and he has.

No, unless you're wishing somebody bad, But again let them like, I can't control whether or not what somebody does with their jealousy, but I can teach you how to use it to your advantage. So, first of all, jealousy is deeply personal because it's tied to what you desire, and you're never going to feel jealous over something you don't want. Like I'm not jealous in the least when I see somebody pull up in a Lamborghini. I don't want one. I don't care about it. There's nothing that you could do to make me jealous of somebody. But if I see somebody that I was just talking to my friend Jays Shetty and he has.

Really does any of the most beautiful eyes not to be oh my gosh, you're like.

Really does any of the most beautiful eyes not to be oh my gosh, you're like.

Light light, light, light, light green. So we were just hanging out the other day, I were really really good friends. And that's the other thing I want to say. The very people that you're jealous of because they're doing what you're doing, should be your closest friends because they're the only people on the planet that know what you're going through. And what a shame is it that you look at people that are in your industry or that are doing what you want to do as competitors or enemies that you're against, because they should actually be your greatest collaborators. This was this huge revelation with let them, because I used to look at my friends and be like, they got a new kitchen, she has a beautiful handbag, she just got a promotion, now she's getting married, they're pregnant. I'm what does that do? That sort of energy just rises the stress in you, and then you start thinking about it and you tell yourself it's never going to be me.

Light light, light, light, light green. So we were just hanging out the other day, I were really really good friends. And that's the other thing I want to say. The very people that you're jealous of because they're doing what you're doing, should be your closest friends because they're the only people on the planet that know what you're going through. And what a shame is it that you look at people that are in your industry or that are doing what you want to do as competitors or enemies that you're against, because they should actually be your greatest collaborators. This was this huge revelation with let them, because I used to look at my friends and be like, they got a new kitchen, she has a beautiful handbag, she just got a promotion, now she's getting married, they're pregnant. I'm what does that do? That sort of energy just rises the stress in you, and then you start thinking about it and you tell yourself it's never going to be me.

And I love this idea of upward comparison versus downwards. Yes, so it is basically envy versus gratitude.

And I love this idea of upward comparison versus downwards. Yes, so it is basically envy versus gratitude.

Yes, like we are we default to looking up and above and seeing people that are doing better and then using somebody else's example to shame ourselves or beat ourselves up. It's never going to be me. There's already too many podcasts. I shouldn't launch one now. Ur I'm never going to be able to renovate my kitchen because she just did. I can't have white cabinets because my friend is going to think I somehow copied her, yes, exact. Can you know what ridiculousness this is? And so learning to say let them taught me something important about life. Other people never block your way. They only lead the way because you're not actually playing against people in life, you're playing with them. And if you can say let them, let them have their success, let them have their Lamborghini, let them have a million dollars, let them get married, let them have the love story, let them earn a million bucks, let them do this, let them do that. Now you're detached because you're only jealous because you want that thing. So let them, let them lead the way, and then say let me, let me remind myself that if they've done it, there's a formula, and if I'm not so day i'm emotional and jealous, I can wake up and follow the formula. And if I just let me remind myself that if I put my head down, I can slowly chip away at it. And I can ten years from now, fifteen years from now, five years from now, I can save my money. I can change my job. I can learn how to be financially responsible. I can learn how to find love again. Let them, let them, let them, because the more you let them lead the way and then you say let me, the faster you're going to find the way to all the things that you want.

Yes, like we are we default to looking up and above and seeing people that are doing better and then using somebody else's example to shame ourselves or beat ourselves up. It's never going to be me. There's already too many podcasts. I shouldn't launch one now. Ur I'm never going to be able to renovate my kitchen because she just did. I can't have white cabinets because my friend is going to think I somehow copied her, yes, exact. Can you know what ridiculousness this is? And so learning to say let them taught me something important about life. Other people never block your way. They only lead the way because you're not actually playing against people in life, you're playing with them. And if you can say let them, let them have their success, let them have their Lamborghini, let them have a million dollars, let them get married, let them have the love story, let them earn a million bucks, let them do this, let them do that. Now you're detached because you're only jealous because you want that thing. So let them, let them lead the way, and then say let me, let me remind myself that if they've done it, there's a formula, and if I'm not so day i'm emotional and jealous, I can wake up and follow the formula. And if I just let me remind myself that if I put my head down, I can slowly chip away at it. And I can ten years from now, fifteen years from now, five years from now, I can save my money. I can change my job. I can learn how to be financially responsible. I can learn how to find love again. Let them, let them, let them, because the more you let them lead the way and then you say let me, the faster you're going to find the way to all the things that you want.

At the end of the day. I guess your book is really about control and letting go and not sweating the small stuff or really the big stuff. Right now, sometimes letting go can be very painful, especially I think during these divided times. And you write in your book.

At the end of the day. I guess your book is really about control and letting go and not sweating the small stuff or really the big stuff. Right now, sometimes letting go can be very painful, especially I think during these divided times. And you write in your book.

But this isn't and go. It's very different, I believe, okay, because for me, being a complete type a control freak, I don't want to let anything go because it means I lost. See when you say I just have to let it go, I have to let it go that you know they voted for that person. I have a different I have to let it go. Doesn't that feel like you're surrendering to defeat. Yes, that's why I hate it. I've never been able to let anything go. Let them is very different because let them is you seeing things as they are and you are detaching from it, which means you are choosing to no longer put time and energy into it. And it's the opposite because when I say I have to let it go, I feel defeated and less than when I say let them, I feel superior because I'm kind of like, I see what you're doing over there, and I recognize that my time is better spent attacking this a different way.