This is the most dramatic podcast ever and iHeartRadio podcast. Chris Harrison and Lauren Zema coming to you from the home office in Austin, Texas, LZ. Today we dive into relationships, but in particular the war on more? What are we talking about?

This is the most dramatic podcast ever and iHeartRadio podcast. Chris Harrison and Lauren Zema coming to you from the home office in Austin, Texas, LZ. Today we dive into relationships, but in particular the war on more? What are we talking about?

I don't know if I would call it the war on more? I think you've changed my phrase. I keep saying, are we at war with more? Because here's what I'm thinking about lately? And it kind of all started with this tweet that I sent you where it was a random tweet, but this person was speculating is a big issue with dating today that people have had access to porn so easily for the past couple decades, that we they're growing up with so much access to seeing people naked.

I don't know if I would call it the war on more? I think you've changed my phrase. I keep saying, are we at war with more? Because here's what I'm thinking about lately? And it kind of all started with this tweet that I sent you where it was a random tweet, but this person was speculating is a big issue with dating today that people have had access to porn so easily for the past couple decades, that we they're growing up with so much access to seeing people naked.

And that got me thinking, you know, are.

And that got me thinking, you know, are.

We better off with having all this more in our dating and relationship lives? That includes you know, we have so many more prospects with dat now than ever before because of dating apps. Dating apps are in the palm of everybody's hand. We have more access to information about relationships than ever before because of podcasts and social media podcasts like this one. So is more a good thing? Or are we at war with more? Is it hurting or helping? And to help us with that, today we are bringing on doctor Viviana Coles. She is the president and leads psychotherapist at Houston Relationship Therapy. She has a bachelor's degree in psychology and master's in doctoral degrees in marriage and family therapy, and is also the president of the National Sex Therapy Institute. She's been working in this realm for decades, obviously a couple's counselor, helping individuals with emotional and physical intimacy issues. She has her private practice, but she's also been featured as a marriage expert on Lifetimes Married at First Site. So we would now like to welcome doctor V. Doctor V, thank you so much for being with us.

We better off with having all this more in our dating and relationship lives? That includes you know, we have so many more prospects with dat now than ever before because of dating apps. Dating apps are in the palm of everybody's hand. We have more access to information about relationships than ever before because of podcasts and social media podcasts like this one. So is more a good thing? Or are we at war with more? Is it hurting or helping? And to help us with that, today we are bringing on doctor Viviana Coles. She is the president and leads psychotherapist at Houston Relationship Therapy. She has a bachelor's degree in psychology and master's in doctoral degrees in marriage and family therapy, and is also the president of the National Sex Therapy Institute. She's been working in this realm for decades, obviously a couple's counselor, helping individuals with emotional and physical intimacy issues. She has her private practice, but she's also been featured as a marriage expert on Lifetimes Married at First Site. So we would now like to welcome doctor V. Doctor V, thank you so much for being with us.

Thanks for having me guys, and happy happy getting through the first year of marriage, because it's a big one.

Thanks for having me guys, and happy happy getting through the first year of marriage, because it's a big one.

Thank you, it is. We did you know, we actually did another episode on just that of how we've grown. You know, we've been together for you know, the better part of you know, a half decade anyway, and it's interesting how the marriage has accelerated that growth and has made us be better communicators and have to fight for more. So it did. It did change things. It was very interesting.

Thank you, it is. We did you know, we actually did another episode on just that of how we've grown. You know, we've been together for you know, the better part of you know, a half decade anyway, and it's interesting how the marriage has accelerated that growth and has made us be better communicators and have to fight for more. So it did. It did change things. It was very interesting.

Yeah, can I hit on what you just said, doctor h and you said it's a big one. Do you find that that first year of marriage is kind of the old adage true that it's hard for people?

Yeah, can I hit on what you just said, doctor h and you said it's a big one. Do you find that that first year of marriage is kind of the old adage true that it's hard for people?

What do you find when you're working with couples.

What do you find when you're working with couples.

Yeah, I think the first two years of marriage are probably the bumpiest.

Yeah, I think the first two years of marriage are probably the bumpiest.

Oh interesting.

Oh interesting.

I've been married for over seventeen years and I certainly can attest to that the first two years of marriage and the first year after having a child are probably some of the toughest because there's so much adaptation that needs to happen, you know, from everyone involved, and there's just a lot of moving parts. I was just talking to a client about pre cohabitation counseling. People are starting to really recognize that when you start living with somebody, it's a different ballgame. Even if you were staying at each other's places a lot, it's not the same. There's just something that happens when you get married that changes the game. I've always said that it's because you've now joined a club that you're not aware of all the rules, and everybody wants to tell you, hey, you should do it this so you should do it this way. But you know, there are so many different ways, so many more ways of being married these days. That and being in relationships in happy ones and unhappy ones. So yeah, it's it's tough.

I've been married for over seventeen years and I certainly can attest to that the first two years of marriage and the first year after having a child are probably some of the toughest because there's so much adaptation that needs to happen, you know, from everyone involved, and there's just a lot of moving parts. I was just talking to a client about pre cohabitation counseling. People are starting to really recognize that when you start living with somebody, it's a different ballgame. Even if you were staying at each other's places a lot, it's not the same. There's just something that happens when you get married that changes the game. I've always said that it's because you've now joined a club that you're not aware of all the rules, and everybody wants to tell you, hey, you should do it this so you should do it this way. But you know, there are so many different ways, so many more ways of being married these days. That and being in relationships in happy ones and unhappy ones. So yeah, it's it's tough.

So congrats and interesting that you said. We'll get to our topic for today, but I want to follow up one more now. The seven year itch used to be the thing, right, so do you find the first two years are more difficult than kind of reaching that into the first decade?

So congrats and interesting that you said. We'll get to our topic for today, but I want to follow up one more now. The seven year itch used to be the thing, right, so do you find the first two years are more difficult than kind of reaching that into the first decade?

Actually, the seven year itch is now the eleven years is?

Actually, the seven year itch is now the eleven years is?

Oh?

Oh?

Got it?

Got it?

Okay, go ahead.

Okay, go ahead.

We're never in the clear, guys.

We're never in the clear, guys.

Well, doctor V. We're so glad to have you on today. What Laurena and I have been discussing and wanted to bring an expert on to talk about is the war on more uh. And that is more of everything is available, as far as relationships, intimacy, dating, all of it goes, even in marriage. There's so much more access to everything. And our debate is is that a good thing? Our people better off?

Well, doctor V. We're so glad to have you on today. What Laurena and I have been discussing and wanted to bring an expert on to talk about is the war on more uh. And that is more of everything is available, as far as relationships, intimacy, dating, all of it goes, even in marriage. There's so much more access to everything. And our debate is is that a good thing? Our people better off?

It's a wonderful thing, and I'll tell you why. Yes, it can cause a lot more confusion. There can be a lot of testing the waters that don't go well. You can have a lot of failures. But I think it also allows, and this is the positive thing. It really allows for individuals to make very personal and unique decisions about how they want to live their lives. I'm always telling people, you know, they come into my office, they sit down and they are like, I don't know if you've ever heard this before. I'm like, you have no idea. I've heard everything, but it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter if I've hurt to them. It doesn't matter if I've heard it a thousand times or never to them. It's unique. So I find that couples who are finally personalizing and taking into control what works for them, those are the happy couples. Those are the happy este couples now.

It's a wonderful thing, and I'll tell you why. Yes, it can cause a lot more confusion. There can be a lot of testing the waters that don't go well. You can have a lot of failures. But I think it also allows, and this is the positive thing. It really allows for individuals to make very personal and unique decisions about how they want to live their lives. I'm always telling people, you know, they come into my office, they sit down and they are like, I don't know if you've ever heard this before. I'm like, you have no idea. I've heard everything, but it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter if I've hurt to them. It doesn't matter if I've heard it a thousand times or never to them. It's unique. So I find that couples who are finally personalizing and taking into control what works for them, those are the happy couples. Those are the happy este couples now.

And there's a couple of different things that play here. My speculation, and please set me straight, but I would imagine that when it comes to when you're already in a relationship, the more meaning you know there's I mean you I open Instagram now and I see I get a million screenshots of like relationship tips and advice and quotes and insight. And I think a lot of that's good. You know, we open up a lot of discussions. Things aren't so taboo, but and that helps your relationship get better. So to me, the more is advantageous when you're already in a relationship. But I don't hear that many good things about the more before you're in a relationship. Like a big part of the reason that we started this conversation, or we wanted to have this conversation with you, was just this tweet. And I'm getting into a taboo topic right now, but here's a tweet that came up that I sent to Christina. This at girl ziplocked tweeted and this tweet has five point seven million views. One huge reason I think dating was easier before the Internet is that men didn't spend the first ten years of their sexual lives addicted to porn. So the first time they got to see a woman naked, they were grateful about it. And I kind of turned to Chris and I said, you know, this is interesting. Think about how you grew up. We grew up in the era where like if there was a sex scene in a movie, you were like, Ooh, I just.

And there's a couple of different things that play here. My speculation, and please set me straight, but I would imagine that when it comes to when you're already in a relationship, the more meaning you know there's I mean you I open Instagram now and I see I get a million screenshots of like relationship tips and advice and quotes and insight. And I think a lot of that's good. You know, we open up a lot of discussions. Things aren't so taboo, but and that helps your relationship get better. So to me, the more is advantageous when you're already in a relationship. But I don't hear that many good things about the more before you're in a relationship. Like a big part of the reason that we started this conversation, or we wanted to have this conversation with you, was just this tweet. And I'm getting into a taboo topic right now, but here's a tweet that came up that I sent to Christina. This at girl ziplocked tweeted and this tweet has five point seven million views. One huge reason I think dating was easier before the Internet is that men didn't spend the first ten years of their sexual lives addicted to porn. So the first time they got to see a woman naked, they were grateful about it. And I kind of turned to Chris and I said, you know, this is interesting. Think about how you grew up. We grew up in the era where like if there was a sex scene in a movie, you were like, Ooh, I just.

Saw naked body.

Saw naked body.

Oh my gosh, it's huge, Like meaning how exciting for me? And now that's so much more available. Porn is way more accessible. More is more. So what do you think about it from the pre relationship standpoint? And I guess I'm adding in the porn conversation as well.

Oh my gosh, it's huge, Like meaning how exciting for me? And now that's so much more available. Porn is way more accessible. More is more. So what do you think about it from the pre relationship standpoint? And I guess I'm adding in the porn conversation as well.

Yeah, it is one hundred percent one of the biggest topics that I hear of frustration with couples who are experiencing sexual intimacy issues. The idea that porn is so accessible isn't necessarily the issue. It's not the accessibility, it's the fact that they're turning to it before really trying to use their largest sexual organ, which is the brain, and most men are just happy to turn off their brains and just look and have that stimulu. That stimulus just come in in the form of that visual pornography. I'm always telling couples you need to have a mixture. Yes, some people will find sexual imagery arousing, others can only find arousal through it. That's a problem. Other times they don't know the difference between self love and masturbation and pornography. They're totally linked, and that's a real problem. I find that a lot of people struggle with trying to figure out, how can we have something that is more partnered of an experience. When you're linking your own sexuality to pornography, that's a big issue. But going back to your original question, I find that the most problematic is that men have been looking at pornography since a much younger age. They've had experiences through masturbation and solo pleasuring very early on, whereas women haven't been socialized to do that. So by the time that women start to explore their bodies in college, they tend to do it as part of a relationship, so there's already a different dynamic there, whereas men have been kind of having their free playground since for a long time now. That does cause problems because for a lot of men, they do experience feelings of shame and guilt and always trying to hide at you, you know, whether it was when they were younger or now in a partnership, they try to hide that part of their relationship instead of incorporating it and having it be something that is just easily talked about if you need to, and not so like hidden. And unfortunately, hidden usually means quick and a lot of men are training their bodies because of their masturbatory habits, to respond quickly and then when there's another person involved, and the smells and the feelings and the sites are right there in person, in vivo, they really struggle to keep up with their performance.

Yeah, it is one hundred percent one of the biggest topics that I hear of frustration with couples who are experiencing sexual intimacy issues. The idea that porn is so accessible isn't necessarily the issue. It's not the accessibility, it's the fact that they're turning to it before really trying to use their largest sexual organ, which is the brain, and most men are just happy to turn off their brains and just look and have that stimulu. That stimulus just come in in the form of that visual pornography. I'm always telling couples you need to have a mixture. Yes, some people will find sexual imagery arousing, others can only find arousal through it. That's a problem. Other times they don't know the difference between self love and masturbation and pornography. They're totally linked, and that's a real problem. I find that a lot of people struggle with trying to figure out, how can we have something that is more partnered of an experience. When you're linking your own sexuality to pornography, that's a big issue. But going back to your original question, I find that the most problematic is that men have been looking at pornography since a much younger age. They've had experiences through masturbation and solo pleasuring very early on, whereas women haven't been socialized to do that. So by the time that women start to explore their bodies in college, they tend to do it as part of a relationship, so there's already a different dynamic there, whereas men have been kind of having their free playground since for a long time now. That does cause problems because for a lot of men, they do experience feelings of shame and guilt and always trying to hide at you, you know, whether it was when they were younger or now in a partnership, they try to hide that part of their relationship instead of incorporating it and having it be something that is just easily talked about if you need to, and not so like hidden. And unfortunately, hidden usually means quick and a lot of men are training their bodies because of their masturbatory habits, to respond quickly and then when there's another person involved, and the smells and the feelings and the sites are right there in person, in vivo, they really struggle to keep up with their performance.

I'm curious though, it's kind of to go on the larger picture of what Lauren was talking about. Say, you know, upon puberty thirteen, fourteen, fifteen years old, these men boys actually they're not men yet, start watching porn, and not just the physical side of it. But this is their idea of intimacy. This is their idea of how to treat a lady. This is an idea of love. And how have you seen that evolve? And those pitfalls that you've probably had to cover in therapy sessions with This is not real life. This is not normal. What you've been training for for seven, eight, nine, ten years is not even a fantasy. It's just a fallacy.

I'm curious though, it's kind of to go on the larger picture of what Lauren was talking about. Say, you know, upon puberty thirteen, fourteen, fifteen years old, these men boys actually they're not men yet, start watching porn, and not just the physical side of it. But this is their idea of intimacy. This is their idea of how to treat a lady. This is an idea of love. And how have you seen that evolve? And those pitfalls that you've probably had to cover in therapy sessions with This is not real life. This is not normal. What you've been training for for seven, eight, nine, ten years is not even a fantasy. It's just a fallacy.

Yeah. Unfortunately, their partners aren't usually the ones who know how to have those conversations, so they typically don't get that root awakening or that re education until something really bad happens and they're on the verge of a divorce or on the verge of fidelity and they come into my office. So many women don't really understand how to explain what works for their own bodies, what doesn't work for their bodies, how they're feeling objectified, or how they're feeling neglected, how they're feeling like they're not really in the moment. A lot of women especially just don't have the words for that unless it's I mean, some women are very direct, and unfortunately that can just you know, things are just not going to work, and men are going to have that performance anxiety. But I do think a lot of people very much struggle with having that reality check of Hey, what you've seen in porn, that's not reality, that's not real life. Our bodies don't respond.

Yeah. Unfortunately, their partners aren't usually the ones who know how to have those conversations, so they typically don't get that root awakening or that re education until something really bad happens and they're on the verge of a divorce or on the verge of fidelity and they come into my office. So many women don't really understand how to explain what works for their own bodies, what doesn't work for their bodies, how they're feeling objectified, or how they're feeling neglected, how they're feeling like they're not really in the moment. A lot of women especially just don't have the words for that unless it's I mean, some women are very direct, and unfortunately that can just you know, things are just not going to work, and men are going to have that performance anxiety. But I do think a lot of people very much struggle with having that reality check of Hey, what you've seen in porn, that's not reality, that's not real life. Our bodies don't respond.

And I'm thinking of something interesting you said a few minutes ago, which was that, like some do you find that some people can't get aroused by an in person, actual sexual interaction versus watching porn.

And I'm thinking of something interesting you said a few minutes ago, which was that, like some do you find that some people can't get aroused by an in person, actual sexual interaction versus watching porn.

You know, I'm glad that you said some people, because what I've noticed in my office is that it's a lot of women. Women are really struggling to get turned on by in person because they're so in their heads. It's not that they're trying to think about somebody else. It's that if they allow them themselves to just think that can turn into the laundry list, all the obligations, the mental load will just flood in. So sometimes women will prefer to look at visual pornography just to get them to get their imagination out of it. So it doesn't let allow those.

You know, I'm glad that you said some people, because what I've noticed in my office is that it's a lot of women. Women are really struggling to get turned on by in person because they're so in their heads. It's not that they're trying to think about somebody else. It's that if they allow them themselves to just think that can turn into the laundry list, all the obligations, the mental load will just flood in. So sometimes women will prefer to look at visual pornography just to get them to get their imagination out of it. So it doesn't let allow those.

In interesting because would I think you primarily think, oh, porn, dudes, guys, But you're saying this is a female issue in large part as well.

In interesting because would I think you primarily think, oh, porn, dudes, guys, But you're saying this is a female issue in large part as well.

It is, and I think a lot of it is because you know, when they do finally start to become sexually socialized, women also turn to porn. Sometimes now they quickly turn away from it, but they do turn to that also kind of unfortunately, like a guide. You know, okay, this is what men are looking at. I need to know what this is all about. There's a bit of a performative piece, right, It's almost like prepping for an interview that they do that, and it can cause a lot of problems as well.

It is, and I think a lot of it is because you know, when they do finally start to become sexually socialized, women also turn to porn. Sometimes now they quickly turn away from it, but they do turn to that also kind of unfortunately, like a guide. You know, okay, this is what men are looking at. I need to know what this is all about. There's a bit of a performative piece, right, It's almost like prepping for an interview that they do that, and it can cause a lot of problems as well.

So getting back to the are we at war with more?

So getting back to the are we at war with more?

I mean, online porn in the grand scheme is a pretty new thing, I would say. If you think the internet kind of started rising up in the mid nineties and the rise of porn was a huge reason that the Internet boomed, but we're only talking about like twenty five years.

I mean, online porn in the grand scheme is a pretty new thing, I would say. If you think the internet kind of started rising up in the mid nineties and the rise of porn was a huge reason that the Internet boomed, but we're only talking about like twenty five years.

Probably at the end of the day.

Probably at the end of the day.

Do you think that online porn has helped or hurt dating in relationships or somewhere in between.

Do you think that online porn has helped or hurt dating in relationships or somewhere in between.

I have to say overall, I think it's hurt dating and relationships. I think a lot of people, you know, I'm seeing the ugly side of it, the addiction, the thousands of dollars spent, you know, because oftentimes it's not enough to just look at the videos. They want to interact, they want to reach out. I mean, there's like only fans and all these things that it can get very, very just exhausting, and they can become overwhelmed by it. And I think a lot of it is because it's happening in secret and their shame, and a lot of men aren't talking to their buddies about those sorts of things. You know. It's one thing to say, oh, yeah, you know, I was looking at this site. But what they're looking at and how long they're looking at it, and what they're doing when they're looking at it, those aren't things that a lot of men really talk about.

I have to say overall, I think it's hurt dating and relationships. I think a lot of people, you know, I'm seeing the ugly side of it, the addiction, the thousands of dollars spent, you know, because oftentimes it's not enough to just look at the videos. They want to interact, they want to reach out. I mean, there's like only fans and all these things that it can get very, very just exhausting, and they can become overwhelmed by it. And I think a lot of it is because it's happening in secret and their shame, and a lot of men aren't talking to their buddies about those sorts of things. You know. It's one thing to say, oh, yeah, you know, I was looking at this site. But what they're looking at and how long they're looking at it, and what they're doing when they're looking at it, those aren't things that a lot of men really talk about.

I want to shift to dating because that's another part of the more dating apps again really a fairly new thing in the scheme of things, only around about the past twenty five years, and we went from online dating with eHarmony andmatch dot com to now dating apps in the palm of our hands and swiping. So there's this ability to potentially access more possible partners than ever before, which kind of at the outset sounds like a good thing. Wow, you can now see all these people and maybe really find the perfect person for you. But if I'm just looking at my own litmus test of my friends and what I hear from people, it doesn't sound like anybody loves online dating. What I can't tell is has dating always been a struggle or is having more options more potential people? Is that hurting the dating world and actually not helping people lead towards relationships.

I want to shift to dating because that's another part of the more dating apps again really a fairly new thing in the scheme of things, only around about the past twenty five years, and we went from online dating with eHarmony andmatch dot com to now dating apps in the palm of our hands and swiping. So there's this ability to potentially access more possible partners than ever before, which kind of at the outset sounds like a good thing. Wow, you can now see all these people and maybe really find the perfect person for you. But if I'm just looking at my own litmus test of my friends and what I hear from people, it doesn't sound like anybody loves online dating. What I can't tell is has dating always been a struggle or is having more options more potential people? Is that hurting the dating world and actually not helping people lead towards relationships.

For so many people, we really messed up daters by telling them that settling was bad at some point.

For so many people, we really messed up daters by telling them that settling was bad at some point.

Interesting, Okay, you have.

Interesting, Okay, you have.

To be okay with settling, and settling down isn't always a bad thing. And I think these days, with the fear of missing out with every what about the next person? The next person? Is the next person going to have bigger this? The next person going to have more this, The next person going to be better at this. The answer is yes, there will always be someone better at something for you. But what I'm always trying to teach my singles that I work with is I'd rather you get into something that then you can start building on. Then have to always be looking for like the plot of land and oh this next plot and this next.

To be okay with settling, and settling down isn't always a bad thing. And I think these days, with the fear of missing out with every what about the next person? The next person? Is the next person going to have bigger this? The next person going to have more this, The next person going to be better at this. The answer is yes, there will always be someone better at something for you. But what I'm always trying to teach my singles that I work with is I'd rather you get into something that then you can start building on. Then have to always be looking for like the plot of land and oh this next plot and this next.

The grass is always greener.

The grass is always greener.

Yeah, I've I had a friend of mine used to say, you trade one set of problems for another, And I think what you just hit on is like, yeah, okay, this, maybe that next person wouldn't be as late or as messy if that was your issue, But what problems are they bringing And you don't even know, you can't predict, like no one is perfect. And I love what you just said because we always say the phrase settling down, which is a good thing, right, But.

Yeah, I've I had a friend of mine used to say, you trade one set of problems for another, And I think what you just hit on is like, yeah, okay, this, maybe that next person wouldn't be as late or as messy if that was your issue, But what problems are they bringing And you don't even know, you can't predict, like no one is perfect. And I love what you just said because we always say the phrase settling down, which is a good thing, right, But.

Then we say settling.

Then we say settling.

We think of settling as this negative thing, and we maybe need a rebrand on the words settling.

We think of settling as this negative thing, and we maybe need a rebrand on the words settling.

It has a real negative connotation to it that you're you know, you are forsaking something better or something good, and you're cheating yourself. And but it's gotten to the point where I've heard stories of people sitting at dinner on a date swiping looking for the next option, and so there is this addiction to that as well. It's almost like back to Poorn, same thing, where it's this addiction of more more and just swiping through a menu.

It has a real negative connotation to it that you're you know, you are forsaking something better or something good, and you're cheating yourself. And but it's gotten to the point where I've heard stories of people sitting at dinner on a date swiping looking for the next option, and so there is this addiction to that as well. It's almost like back to Poorn, same thing, where it's this addiction of more more and just swiping through a menu.

And on on like a smaller scale. Some of the recommendations that I give singles are to if you're dating someone and you'll take it offline and you're actually starting to talk, ask them to give you one month of their attention. Don't divide it with anyone else, same for both of you, but say, can we give this one month of our undivided attention because there is so much that you can get in that one month and then move on or it can grow from there. But you know, on average, men especially are dating seven different women at the same time. So I mean, and they're not necessarily doing anything wrong. It's not that they're cheating or anything. They're just dating, like that's that's what's possible.

And on on like a smaller scale. Some of the recommendations that I give singles are to if you're dating someone and you'll take it offline and you're actually starting to talk, ask them to give you one month of their attention. Don't divide it with anyone else, same for both of you, but say, can we give this one month of our undivided attention because there is so much that you can get in that one month and then move on or it can grow from there. But you know, on average, men especially are dating seven different women at the same time. So I mean, and they're not necessarily doing anything wrong. It's not that they're cheating or anything. They're just dating, like that's that's what's possible.

Yeah, you know, I find that the and I hate to I'm not blaming everything on men. I don't want to be a man hater, but I do find that the dating apps are created for and fit perfectly into that male mindset of you know, just quick move on it, don't get too personal. It just kind of as you said, it doesn't hit the biggest organ which is our brain.

Yeah, you know, I find that the and I hate to I'm not blaming everything on men. I don't want to be a man hater, but I do find that the dating apps are created for and fit perfectly into that male mindset of you know, just quick move on it, don't get too personal. It just kind of as you said, it doesn't hit the biggest organ which is our brain.

Yeah. I'm always trying to get couples, especially who have established some exclusivity, to put a bubble around yourself. Put a bubble, and I think women are a little bit better at that. I think women enjoy monogamy, and I will say studies show that the best sex of your life is going to happen in a long term monogamous relationship. So I'm a big fan good I think are really focusing on like audio, erotica, literature, and also you know, just being able to you know. I have something called create your Own Fantasy dot com where individuals and couples can go on and they create their own fantasy. They don't even know what's possible. All they do is think, well on porn, porn or even books. I love a good sexy novel. Men tend to love sexy novels once we introduce them to their relationship because they find out what foreplay actually is and what anticipation looks like and like that build up. Women tend to love it because they don't have to think about ooh that piercing, or oh they're sweaty, or oh that couch is going to be so dirty.

Yeah. I'm always trying to get couples, especially who have established some exclusivity, to put a bubble around yourself. Put a bubble, and I think women are a little bit better at that. I think women enjoy monogamy, and I will say studies show that the best sex of your life is going to happen in a long term monogamous relationship. So I'm a big fan good I think are really focusing on like audio, erotica, literature, and also you know, just being able to you know. I have something called create your Own Fantasy dot com where individuals and couples can go on and they create their own fantasy. They don't even know what's possible. All they do is think, well on porn, porn or even books. I love a good sexy novel. Men tend to love sexy novels once we introduce them to their relationship because they find out what foreplay actually is and what anticipation looks like and like that build up. Women tend to love it because they don't have to think about ooh that piercing, or oh they're sweaty, or oh that couch is going to be so dirty.

I want to follow up too, because I just said that about men. But something that I noticed in the twenty years of hosting The Bachelor and Bacherette is I noticed more and more females were trying to take on the role of men. And what I mean by that, and we all we all have different proclivities in different styles, but what I found often was I saw more and more of the women talking like men, trying to date like men, trying to have sex like men, and that there was no ying and yang. There was only ying at some point, And I'm like, this, have you noticed that trend? And is it because of the more?

I want to follow up too, because I just said that about men. But something that I noticed in the twenty years of hosting The Bachelor and Bacherette is I noticed more and more females were trying to take on the role of men. And what I mean by that, and we all we all have different proclivities in different styles, but what I found often was I saw more and more of the women talking like men, trying to date like men, trying to have sex like men, and that there was no ying and yang. There was only ying at some point, And I'm like, this, have you noticed that trend? And is it because of the more?

I think it's because they're trying to take back some power. Unfortunately when they see what they've experienced through dating is that the men tend to have the power. And I'm sure a lot of men out there would be like, no way, the women have the power. But because men and I see it all the time and I hear about it all the time, are much more likely to move on like very quickly, even if they've never had a conversation with someone. I think that women are trying to say, you know what, maybe I need to do it that way so that I protect myself and my emotions and my psyche and I don't get too jaded about the process. So I think that they're trying to take a page from that book because they feel like if I don't, I'm just gonna get hurt.

I think it's because they're trying to take back some power. Unfortunately when they see what they've experienced through dating is that the men tend to have the power. And I'm sure a lot of men out there would be like, no way, the women have the power. But because men and I see it all the time and I hear about it all the time, are much more likely to move on like very quickly, even if they've never had a conversation with someone. I think that women are trying to say, you know what, maybe I need to do it that way so that I protect myself and my emotions and my psyche and I don't get too jaded about the process. So I think that they're trying to take a page from that book because they feel like if I don't, I'm just gonna get hurt.

But my take was, if you're not built for that, if you don't have that DNA, there is an emotional tax that you will pay. You can say you're okay with this and I'm going to screw just like they screw and whatever and talk like they talk. Well, if you're a guy that acts like that, you don't have a switch that makes you feel guilty, there's no emotional tax later. I feel like women do that Bill will come do eventually.

But my take was, if you're not built for that, if you don't have that DNA, there is an emotional tax that you will pay. You can say you're okay with this and I'm going to screw just like they screw and whatever and talk like they talk. Well, if you're a guy that acts like that, you don't have a switch that makes you feel guilty, there's no emotional tax later. I feel like women do that Bill will come do eventually.

I think the outcome is not what they want. The outcome if you're out there and you're being if you're not representing yourself well and accurately, you're going to get into a relationship that is you tricking them or presenting as one way and it's not, and they're going to feel tricked. They're going to feel like, wait, who are you? And it's almost like a bait and switch situation. I think we should all be as authentic as possible so that somebody can try to get to know us and see if that works, and if you need help, you get the help. That's the other part. There's a lot more help out there.

I think the outcome is not what they want. The outcome if you're out there and you're being if you're not representing yourself well and accurately, you're going to get into a relationship that is you tricking them or presenting as one way and it's not, and they're going to feel tricked. They're going to feel like, wait, who are you? And it's almost like a bait and switch situation. I think we should all be as authentic as possible so that somebody can try to get to know us and see if that works, and if you need help, you get the help. That's the other part. There's a lot more help out there.

I agree.

I agree.

I think the authenticity is so important because I do know women who and you know, maybe it was.

I think the authenticity is so important because I do know women who and you know, maybe it was.

For more set periods of time.

For more set periods of time.

We're like, I'm not dating anybody right now, I'm just having fun whatever, and like if that's really how you feel, well, then that can work out. But it has to really be how you feel, not just something you're telling yourself because you're hurt or you're going through something.

We're like, I'm not dating anybody right now, I'm just having fun whatever, and like if that's really how you feel, well, then that can work out. But it has to really be how you feel, not just something you're telling yourself because you're hurt or you're going through something.

Or nothing else as work, so you're trying it this way.

Or nothing else as work, so you're trying it this way.

Now, getting back to the kind of this tweet, which says half of the tweet is that you know, men didn't used to get like more. The tweet is they used to be excited to finally see a woman naked. Do you think this more is more like having me all these people available on a dating app or having so much porn that you can access so quickly. Is it hurting us as humans in terms of the way we are that like, we don't have to work for something that we don't have to work to get someone to go out on a date with us or put in more effort to see someone naked.

Now, getting back to the kind of this tweet, which says half of the tweet is that you know, men didn't used to get like more. The tweet is they used to be excited to finally see a woman naked. Do you think this more is more like having me all these people available on a dating app or having so much porn that you can access so quickly. Is it hurting us as humans in terms of the way we are that like, we don't have to work for something that we don't have to work to get someone to go out on a date with us or put in more effort to see someone naked.

Does this make sense what I'm asking?

Does this make sense what I'm asking?

Yeah, no, And you get you don't maybe get as excited to have those experiences. But I think it's a ledged sword because we also don't want to be objectified, and we also don't want to feel like we're sexual objects. I don't know of anybody that really enjoys that that isn't getting paid for it. So I feel like in a long term relationship, I think there's so much more to sex. Yes, I'm a certified sex therapist. This is what I do is I help couples to connect. But the emotional connection is at the core of all of it. And if you're only thinking about sex, and if you're only worried about sex in your sex life, then you miss out on all of the other amazing benefits of being in a long term relationship. So I think it is a double edged sword. I don't know that it's as concerning that people are not as like you know that are they're not just not as excited about seeing a pair of boobs, you know, like, that's okay.

Yeah, no, And you get you don't maybe get as excited to have those experiences. But I think it's a ledged sword because we also don't want to be objectified, and we also don't want to feel like we're sexual objects. I don't know of anybody that really enjoys that that isn't getting paid for it. So I feel like in a long term relationship, I think there's so much more to sex. Yes, I'm a certified sex therapist. This is what I do is I help couples to connect. But the emotional connection is at the core of all of it. And if you're only thinking about sex, and if you're only worried about sex in your sex life, then you miss out on all of the other amazing benefits of being in a long term relationship. So I think it is a double edged sword. I don't know that it's as concerning that people are not as like you know that are they're not just not as excited about seeing a pair of boobs, you know, like, that's okay.

I loved what you said about the one month give. Let's give this one month to see if we can make something more too.

I loved what you said about the one month give. Let's give this one month to see if we can make something more too.

That's fantastic.

That's fantastic.

Any other tips that you have, and of course everybody should go follow you and check out your work. And I know you've written as well to get more but off the top of your head on this more is more problem Ways to combat what people are facing in the dating and sex world.

Any other tips that you have, and of course everybody should go follow you and check out your work. And I know you've written as well to get more but off the top of your head on this more is more problem Ways to combat what people are facing in the dating and sex world.

Today, if you can manage it. I think it's important to have some abstinence from the dating apps every once in a while. You need to date in the wild. You need to get out there, tell your friends, Hey, I'm open, but don't worry if it doesn't work out, I'm not going to like lose you as a friend. I think a lot of people have just gotten away from dating in the wild, so to say. And I feel like most people who meet that way tend to have the ability to then do all of the work, like giving us one month, you know, getting off of the apps while we're in that one month, and being very open and communicative. So yeah, get out in the wild, get off of the dating apps. Every once in a while it's you know, it's like, look at it in cycles and ask for help. You know, some people I would love to set you up, but they don't want to push that on you or make you feel uncomfortable. And then I think you should really try to educate yourself on what it takes to be in a healthy relationship instead of just worrying about the dating part of it. If you have some of those skills, you'll feel more confident and you'll know how to handle tough conversations early on in the process.

Today, if you can manage it. I think it's important to have some abstinence from the dating apps every once in a while. You need to date in the wild. You need to get out there, tell your friends, Hey, I'm open, but don't worry if it doesn't work out, I'm not going to like lose you as a friend. I think a lot of people have just gotten away from dating in the wild, so to say. And I feel like most people who meet that way tend to have the ability to then do all of the work, like giving us one month, you know, getting off of the apps while we're in that one month, and being very open and communicative. So yeah, get out in the wild, get off of the dating apps. Every once in a while it's you know, it's like, look at it in cycles and ask for help. You know, some people I would love to set you up, but they don't want to push that on you or make you feel uncomfortable. And then I think you should really try to educate yourself on what it takes to be in a healthy relationship instead of just worrying about the dating part of it. If you have some of those skills, you'll feel more confident and you'll know how to handle tough conversations early on in the process.

You also mentioned something else I wanted to bring back up that was very poignant. As you said, everyone who comes to see you, and I'm sure this happens with a lot of therapists, you feel like you're the only person who experiences this. You feel like you're this spreak of nature. You're an anomaly, and I think your assurances that you're not different in that way we're all dealing with off. Is there a as far as intimacy goes in a relationship? Is there a theme you often see? It probably comes in different details, but is there an overall arcing theme you often see?

You also mentioned something else I wanted to bring back up that was very poignant. As you said, everyone who comes to see you, and I'm sure this happens with a lot of therapists, you feel like you're the only person who experiences this. You feel like you're this spreak of nature. You're an anomaly, and I think your assurances that you're not different in that way we're all dealing with off. Is there a as far as intimacy goes in a relationship? Is there a theme you often see? It probably comes in different details, but is there an overall arcing theme you often see?

Yeah, I'm actually writing my second book, and it's on this topic.

Yeah, I'm actually writing my second book, and it's on this topic.

When does the book drop and what's the name?

When does the book drop and what's the name?

A Yeah, it's called Pillow Talk and it will be coming out hopefully February fourteenth.

A Yeah, it's called Pillow Talk and it will be coming out hopefully February fourteenth.

Oh good dick, Yeah, yeah, congratulations.

Oh good dick, Yeah, yeah, congratulations.

Thank you. And it's all about the idea that so many people and so many couples that love each other very much don't use the time outside of sexual experiences to work on their sexual connection. So the idea that maybe this is something that you can resonate with that you are letting your partner know that you're interested in them sexually, that you're keeping that underlying current of sensuality alive and well outside of the bedroom experiences. You know. So some couples it's like turning on a light switch. You're having sex, you're not having sex. You're interested, you're not, And it just does not work well in our lifestyle to do that. And I think especially for women, it's like a lot of it. I tell people, it's like having to call the city every time you want to boil water to have them come up, turn on the gas, go to the side of the house and you'd light the pilot light. We would be microwaving right, So keep that pilot light lit. And a lot of people don't know how to do that, they're uncomfortable with it. There's a free quiz that you can find out more about that. It's pillowtokquiz dot com.

Thank you. And it's all about the idea that so many people and so many couples that love each other very much don't use the time outside of sexual experiences to work on their sexual connection. So the idea that maybe this is something that you can resonate with that you are letting your partner know that you're interested in them sexually, that you're keeping that underlying current of sensuality alive and well outside of the bedroom experiences. You know. So some couples it's like turning on a light switch. You're having sex, you're not having sex. You're interested, you're not, And it just does not work well in our lifestyle to do that. And I think especially for women, it's like a lot of it. I tell people, it's like having to call the city every time you want to boil water to have them come up, turn on the gas, go to the side of the house and you'd light the pilot light. We would be microwaving right, So keep that pilot light lit. And a lot of people don't know how to do that, they're uncomfortable with it. There's a free quiz that you can find out more about that. It's pillowtokquiz dot com.

I love that well, Doctor V will end with this.

I love that well, Doctor V will end with this.

We talked a lot about dating and all the more out there, but what about when you're in a relationship. Do you think there are advantages or disadvantages to living in this world with smartphones in the palm of our hands.

We talked a lot about dating and all the more out there, but what about when you're in a relationship. Do you think there are advantages or disadvantages to living in this world with smartphones in the palm of our hands.

And that makes me think of again the.

And that makes me think of again the.

Ease of accessing relationship resources if needed. But like also, I don't know, I've heard some horror stories about people in relationships because dating apps are right there, and is cheating more common? How is more affecting relationships?

Ease of accessing relationship resources if needed. But like also, I don't know, I've heard some horror stories about people in relationships because dating apps are right there, and is cheating more common? How is more affecting relationships?

If you value your life and the way that you've built it and your partnership in any way, shape or form, curiosity will kill you. Curiosity did kill the cat. Everything comes to light. This is a warning for all of you. Everything comes to light. People find out so many things they didn't even look for them. So if you're curious, and if you're kind of like, oh, I wonder what's out there, maybe look over your friend's shoulder, who is single and who is on a dating app, right, and just like, oh, what's out there? Whatever, that's funny and look at it, maybe in a form of entertainment if you're that curious. But if you're very concerned that you're about to start to think about an affair or maybe have even started, when reach out someone like myself, a licensed Marriage and Family therapist, certified sex therapist. We can help you to work through that and get those blinders back on, because chances are you are not ready for what's coming when that bomb goes off in your relationship.

If you value your life and the way that you've built it and your partnership in any way, shape or form, curiosity will kill you. Curiosity did kill the cat. Everything comes to light. This is a warning for all of you. Everything comes to light. People find out so many things they didn't even look for them. So if you're curious, and if you're kind of like, oh, I wonder what's out there, maybe look over your friend's shoulder, who is single and who is on a dating app, right, and just like, oh, what's out there? Whatever, that's funny and look at it, maybe in a form of entertainment if you're that curious. But if you're very concerned that you're about to start to think about an affair or maybe have even started, when reach out someone like myself, a licensed Marriage and Family therapist, certified sex therapist. We can help you to work through that and get those blinders back on, because chances are you are not ready for what's coming when that bomb goes off in your relationship.

Awesome, doctor v. Thank you for the information and the insight. Fascinating on so many levels, and this war on more. There's always a positive to things, whether it's social media and all this stuff, but there's always the downside and we just have to be careful how we take all this stuff in So appreciate the expert advice.

Awesome, doctor v. Thank you for the information and the insight. Fascinating on so many levels, and this war on more. There's always a positive to things, whether it's social media and all this stuff, but there's always the downside and we just have to be careful how we take all this stuff in So appreciate the expert advice.

Thank you, thanks for the conversation. Super interesting stuff and I'm always going to be sending y'all good happy vibe.

Thank you, thanks for the conversation. Super interesting stuff and I'm always going to be sending y'all good happy vibe.

Thanks doctor v Our.

Thanks doctor v Our.

Thanks to doctor v we both follow her and you can follow her on Instagram. Very good takes interesting content at doctor Viviana. She's got the book dropping on of course, February fourteenth, pillow Talk coming out Valentine's Day. Wish are the best with that, and thank her so much.

Thanks to doctor v we both follow her and you can follow her on Instagram. Very good takes interesting content at doctor Viviana. She's got the book dropping on of course, February fourteenth, pillow Talk coming out Valentine's Day. Wish are the best with that, and thank her so much.

You were right.

You were right.

I think we are overall at war with more, babe, and it's something to be cognitive of as you're heading into a relationship. I loved her advice on for a month. Let's get off socially, you know, let's get off the dating apps. Let's commit to this. It's not a lifelong commitment, but just little subtle things like that of how to deal with these issuas.

I think we are overall at war with more, babe, and it's something to be cognitive of as you're heading into a relationship. I loved her advice on for a month. Let's get off socially, you know, let's get off the dating apps. Let's commit to this. It's not a lifelong commitment, but just little subtle things like that of how to deal with these issuas.

What a great litmus test on someone right from the start. If somebody's not willing to give you a month of their focus time, then that's not going to lead to a relationship anyway.

What a great litmus test on someone right from the start. If somebody's not willing to give you a month of their focus time, then that's not going to lead to a relationship anyway.

So thanks again to doctor v and we will talk to you.

So thanks again to doctor v and we will talk to you.

All next time because we have a lot more to talk about. Thanks for listening. Follow us on Instagram at the most dramatic pod ever and make sure to write us a review and leave us five stars. I'll talk to you next time.

All next time because we have a lot more to talk about. Thanks for listening. Follow us on Instagram at the most dramatic pod ever and make sure to write us a review and leave us five stars. I'll talk to you next time.