You're listening to mornings with Eric and Bridget right here on Moody Radio.

You're listening to mornings with Eric and Bridget right here on Moody Radio.

89.3 simple and Marriage. Two words that don't usually go together, right? Unless it's when you're at the very beginning, you know, at the altar, then you're like, this is so simple. What's so hard about marriage? It's it's just going to go perfectly from here. And then you start living life and you realize it's a little bit more complicated.

89.3 simple and Marriage. Two words that don't usually go together, right? Unless it's when you're at the very beginning, you know, at the altar, then you're like, this is so simple. What's so hard about marriage? It's it's just going to go perfectly from here. And then you start living life and you realize it's a little bit more complicated.

Wait, you you don't want to have what I want to have for dinner. How can that be? I want fried chicken. And you want a salad? This can't be right. I mean, even simple things like that. Like, what are we going to have for dinner? Uh, cause conflicts sometimes. Cause issues. And then you're like, how can you say there's a simple guide to a better marriage when I can't even figure out what to make my wife for dinner?

Wait, you you don't want to have what I want to have for dinner. How can that be? I want fried chicken. And you want a salad? This can't be right. I mean, even simple things like that. Like, what are we going to have for dinner? Uh, cause conflicts sometimes. Cause issues. And then you're like, how can you say there's a simple guide to a better marriage when I can't even figure out what to make my wife for dinner?

Let's not even go to the chores. And who's going to do what? Doctor Gary Chapman is joining us. And for over 40 years, um, you've talked about something that you're calling kind of simple here. I mean, marriage is a little bit more complicated, isn't it?

Let's not even go to the chores. And who's going to do what? Doctor Gary Chapman is joining us. And for over 40 years, um, you've talked about something that you're calling kind of simple here. I mean, marriage is a little bit more complicated, isn't it?

Well, it was a little more complicated for me and my wife. Let me put it that way. But what I'm trying to do in this book is share really, really important things in terms of marriage and working through difficulties and all of that, but sharing in a simple way that people can understand, you know, and take steps on, for example, just on learning how to solve conflicts without yelling and screaming at each other. You know, we don't have to yell and scream and talk about how we don't. So yeah, I'm really hoping this is going to help a lot of couples because it's written simply. The chapters are short, which people like today, but it's very, very practical.

Well, it was a little more complicated for me and my wife. Let me put it that way. But what I'm trying to do in this book is share really, really important things in terms of marriage and working through difficulties and all of that, but sharing in a simple way that people can understand, you know, and take steps on, for example, just on learning how to solve conflicts without yelling and screaming at each other. You know, we don't have to yell and scream and talk about how we don't. So yeah, I'm really hoping this is going to help a lot of couples because it's written simply. The chapters are short, which people like today, but it's very, very practical.

Well, let's start at the beginning, though. You talk about how God calls us into this covenant of marriage. I think that's really one of the most important things for us to understand about this, isn't it?

Well, let's start at the beginning, though. You talk about how God calls us into this covenant of marriage. I think that's really one of the most important things for us to understand about this, isn't it?

It is because I think we live in a contract society. You know, you can drive this car if you pay the monthly payments. That's a contract. And some folks approach marriage in that way. I'll do this if you do that. But if you don't do this, then I'm not going to do that. Well, that's not biblical marriage. Biblical marriage is a covenant. A covenant is made for the benefit of the other person, just like God made one with Noah. It was for Noah's benefit and his family's benefit. Yeah, it's based on steadfast love, whether they're lovely or not. We're choosing to be lovely toward them. You know, it's based on permanence. I mean, we say it in the ceremony as long as we both shall live. That's not a popular thing in our day, you know. Today it's. I'm in this. As long as you make me happy. No, that's not a biblical marriage. It's not a biblical attitude. We're there for each other, in sickness and in health. So, yeah, that whole idea of covenant. And really, it's the heart of what Christianity is all about. You know, we are here to serve others in the name of Jesus. I mean, the Bible is very clear about that, and Jesus is our example. You know, he said about himself, I didn't come to be served. I came to serve. The husband and wife who has an attitude of mutual service to each other. Well, they're going they're going to have a good marriage.

It is because I think we live in a contract society. You know, you can drive this car if you pay the monthly payments. That's a contract. And some folks approach marriage in that way. I'll do this if you do that. But if you don't do this, then I'm not going to do that. Well, that's not biblical marriage. Biblical marriage is a covenant. A covenant is made for the benefit of the other person, just like God made one with Noah. It was for Noah's benefit and his family's benefit. Yeah, it's based on steadfast love, whether they're lovely or not. We're choosing to be lovely toward them. You know, it's based on permanence. I mean, we say it in the ceremony as long as we both shall live. That's not a popular thing in our day, you know. Today it's. I'm in this. As long as you make me happy. No, that's not a biblical marriage. It's not a biblical attitude. We're there for each other, in sickness and in health. So, yeah, that whole idea of covenant. And really, it's the heart of what Christianity is all about. You know, we are here to serve others in the name of Jesus. I mean, the Bible is very clear about that, and Jesus is our example. You know, he said about himself, I didn't come to be served. I came to serve. The husband and wife who has an attitude of mutual service to each other. Well, they're going they're going to have a good marriage.

And that's where the sanctification process begins. When you start talking about viewing it as for the benefit of the other person. I'm just stuck on that because our natural state is to say, what am I going to get out of this?

And that's where the sanctification process begins. When you start talking about viewing it as for the benefit of the other person. I'm just stuck on that because our natural state is to say, what am I going to get out of this?

Yeah, absolutely. We are all by nature self-centered, and there's a good part to that, because that means we take care of ourselves, we eat right, we get exercise, we sleep, and hopefully we do. But but also, when it comes to ideas and the way to do things, we all are self-centered. My way is the best way, you know. And in a marriage, there's two of us. And we and we both have that part of us. And that's why we have to begin to think in terms of father, help me to have the attitude of Christ not always looking out for myself, but how can I minister to the other person? And when we do that and have that attitude, uh, we're going to make decisions based on what is for the what's for the benefit of the other person. We might run into each other, but we'll run into each other helping each other. That's a good way to have a have an encounter, each of you trying to help the other.

Yeah, absolutely. We are all by nature self-centered, and there's a good part to that, because that means we take care of ourselves, we eat right, we get exercise, we sleep, and hopefully we do. But but also, when it comes to ideas and the way to do things, we all are self-centered. My way is the best way, you know. And in a marriage, there's two of us. And we and we both have that part of us. And that's why we have to begin to think in terms of father, help me to have the attitude of Christ not always looking out for myself, but how can I minister to the other person? And when we do that and have that attitude, uh, we're going to make decisions based on what is for the what's for the benefit of the other person. We might run into each other, but we'll run into each other helping each other. That's a good way to have a have an encounter, each of you trying to help the other.

Humbling ourselves. That's that's really what we're talking about here. Having a humble spirit. Uh, one of the things that helps us to do that is a prayer life and getting into God's Word, we understand as we pray. That is not a it's not a posture of pride there. It's a posture of humility. And that really helps us. And being a part of that with our spouse, that's one of the best things we can do for our marriage, isn't it?

Humbling ourselves. That's that's really what we're talking about here. Having a humble spirit. Uh, one of the things that helps us to do that is a prayer life and getting into God's Word, we understand as we pray. That is not a it's not a posture of pride there. It's a posture of humility. And that really helps us. And being a part of that with our spouse, that's one of the best things we can do for our marriage, isn't it?

Yeah. Our relationship with God is going to affect our relationship with our spouse. And that's why, you know, I hope most Christians have a sit down time with God every day in which they're listening to his word, and they want to hear what you have to say. We're talking back to God. We're asking him questions. We're having a conversation with God every day. I suggest the same pattern in a marriage. What if you have a sit down time every day with each other? And just for example, just start off sharing, you know, 2 or 3 things that happened in my life today and how I feel about them. And they don't have to be profound things. It's just, you know, honey, I was driving home and on the way home I stopped and got gas at the station, filled up the car, and the wife says, how'd you feel about that, honey? He said, well, to be honest, I felt angry. I looked at the price and I felt angry. But, you know, I got the car full. It's just sharing life with each other. Not just not just. And many couples don't. Don't do the minimum. I kind of call that the minimum. A daily sit down time in which you share with each other. Just some things that are going on in your life and how you're feeling about it. So, you know, our relationship with God impacts our attitude toward our spouse and toward our marriage.

Yeah. Our relationship with God is going to affect our relationship with our spouse. And that's why, you know, I hope most Christians have a sit down time with God every day in which they're listening to his word, and they want to hear what you have to say. We're talking back to God. We're asking him questions. We're having a conversation with God every day. I suggest the same pattern in a marriage. What if you have a sit down time every day with each other? And just for example, just start off sharing, you know, 2 or 3 things that happened in my life today and how I feel about them. And they don't have to be profound things. It's just, you know, honey, I was driving home and on the way home I stopped and got gas at the station, filled up the car, and the wife says, how'd you feel about that, honey? He said, well, to be honest, I felt angry. I looked at the price and I felt angry. But, you know, I got the car full. It's just sharing life with each other. Not just not just. And many couples don't. Don't do the minimum. I kind of call that the minimum. A daily sit down time in which you share with each other. Just some things that are going on in your life and how you're feeling about it. So, you know, our relationship with God impacts our attitude toward our spouse and toward our marriage.

If that's the minimum, what's the maximum?

If that's the minimum, what's the maximum?

Well, I think the maximum would be that every other week, for example, you have a 30 minute time, maybe even an hour time in which one of us this week will just share something, just one thing that we think would improve our marriage and talk about it together the next time the other person has a chance to share something like that. So you're digging deeper now. You're not just sharing things that happen and how you feel. You're talking about us and our relationship because all of us have ideas on what we make things better, and most of the time it's that the spouse would change some things and that's okay. It's okay to bring those up. You know, I remember when I brought up how my wife loads the dishwasher. I'm organized. If you put everything in the right place, it all gets clean. And if you if you, uh. And my wife loves it like she's playing Frisbee, you know, just throwing them in there, you know? Well, a good discussion about that. And with us, what ended up she said, well, honey, if it's so important to you, why don't you load the dishwasher?

Well, I think the maximum would be that every other week, for example, you have a 30 minute time, maybe even an hour time in which one of us this week will just share something, just one thing that we think would improve our marriage and talk about it together the next time the other person has a chance to share something like that. So you're digging deeper now. You're not just sharing things that happen and how you feel. You're talking about us and our relationship because all of us have ideas on what we make things better, and most of the time it's that the spouse would change some things and that's okay. It's okay to bring those up. You know, I remember when I brought up how my wife loads the dishwasher. I'm organized. If you put everything in the right place, it all gets clean. And if you if you, uh. And my wife loves it like she's playing Frisbee, you know, just throwing them in there, you know? Well, a good discussion about that. And with us, what ended up she said, well, honey, if it's so important to you, why don't you load the dishwasher?

If I fly you down to my house, if I fly you down to my house, can you.

If I fly you down to my house, if I fly you down to my house, can you.

We solve the situation? But having those kind of conversations periodically are also a huge part of marriage.

We solve the situation? But having those kind of conversations periodically are also a huge part of marriage.

I need that conversation in my house. I'll fly you down. You sit down with me and my wife, and we'll figure out the dishwasher. Okay.

I need that conversation in my house. I'll fly you down. You sit down with me and my wife, and we'll figure out the dishwasher. Okay.

Oh.

Oh.

Yes. Yes, many a couple have been there. All right. So but that goes to communication. And you talk about how that's such a part, a big part to maintaining a healthy marriage. I mean, having a conversation like that requires good communication. So give us some strategies of ways we can actually talk to each other so that we hear each other.

Yes. Yes, many a couple have been there. All right. So but that goes to communication. And you talk about how that's such a part, a big part to maintaining a healthy marriage. I mean, having a conversation like that requires good communication. So give us some strategies of ways we can actually talk to each other so that we hear each other.

You know, I think that's the that's probably the weakest part of conversation or communication in some couples lives. We tend to listen to the other person, especially if they have a viewpoint other than ours. We tend to listen so we can shoot back and, and, you know, counter what they're saying rather than trying to hear what they're saying. What are their what are their thoughts, but what are their feelings? And asking questions to clarify what your spouse is saying. Honey, is this what you're saying? Am I understanding you correctly? And they have a chance to clarify so that you can then say about whatever the topic. Well, you know, honey, now that I listen to you, I can see how that makes sense, you know? Yeah, I would not have looked at it that way, but I can see how that makes sense. That doesn't mean you necessarily agree with them, but you've heard them long enough to see how it makes sense. That is, you're trying to look at the world through the other person's eyes and not just shoot back and try to tell them how wrong they are. But once you do that, if both of you are good listeners and we're not listeners by nature, but once we become listeners in trying to understand the other person's perspective and affirming that, then we can say, okay, obviously we disagree on this, so how can we solve the problem? And you spend your energy trying to solve the problem, rather than spending your energy trying to convince them that they're wrong. And you're right. You know, I've sometimes said this if you win an argument with your spouse, that is, they say, okay, have it your way. You won the argument. They lost. It's no fun to live with a loser. Why would we create a loser? We are on the same team. We're not competing with each other. We're on the same team. So let's respect each other's ideas and the other person's emotions and then look for the answer. How can we solve the problem? And when two people respect each other and hear each other out and affirm each other rather than. Arguing with each other. Then they can find a solution. And if you can't find one tonight and it's 11:00 at night, say, okay, honey, I don't think we can get together tonight. And I know we're both tired. Why don't we just go to sleep? We'll pick this up tomorrow or maybe Tuesday when we get together for our time. But, you know, we're we're looking for a solution rather than trying to win an argument.

You know, I think that's the that's probably the weakest part of conversation or communication in some couples lives. We tend to listen to the other person, especially if they have a viewpoint other than ours. We tend to listen so we can shoot back and, and, you know, counter what they're saying rather than trying to hear what they're saying. What are their what are their thoughts, but what are their feelings? And asking questions to clarify what your spouse is saying. Honey, is this what you're saying? Am I understanding you correctly? And they have a chance to clarify so that you can then say about whatever the topic. Well, you know, honey, now that I listen to you, I can see how that makes sense, you know? Yeah, I would not have looked at it that way, but I can see how that makes sense. That doesn't mean you necessarily agree with them, but you've heard them long enough to see how it makes sense. That is, you're trying to look at the world through the other person's eyes and not just shoot back and try to tell them how wrong they are. But once you do that, if both of you are good listeners and we're not listeners by nature, but once we become listeners in trying to understand the other person's perspective and affirming that, then we can say, okay, obviously we disagree on this, so how can we solve the problem? And you spend your energy trying to solve the problem, rather than spending your energy trying to convince them that they're wrong. And you're right. You know, I've sometimes said this if you win an argument with your spouse, that is, they say, okay, have it your way. You won the argument. They lost. It's no fun to live with a loser. Why would we create a loser? We are on the same team. We're not competing with each other. We're on the same team. So let's respect each other's ideas and the other person's emotions and then look for the answer. How can we solve the problem? And when two people respect each other and hear each other out and affirm each other rather than. Arguing with each other. Then they can find a solution. And if you can't find one tonight and it's 11:00 at night, say, okay, honey, I don't think we can get together tonight. And I know we're both tired. Why don't we just go to sleep? We'll pick this up tomorrow or maybe Tuesday when we get together for our time. But, you know, we're we're looking for a solution rather than trying to win an argument.

In the book, The Simple Guide for a Better Marriage, you just really kind of bite size each topic here. It's 4 or 5 pages with some things to discuss and think about as you read through it. Forgiveness is a crucial part of this book, and it's a crucial part of marriage. There are those times where the conflict is going to happen and, you know, we are human. We're we're going to do something that really probably isn't appropriate or right. And then we need to be asking for forgiveness. And we need to build this a culture of forgiveness in our relationship. How do we do that effectively?

In the book, The Simple Guide for a Better Marriage, you just really kind of bite size each topic here. It's 4 or 5 pages with some things to discuss and think about as you read through it. Forgiveness is a crucial part of this book, and it's a crucial part of marriage. There are those times where the conflict is going to happen and, you know, we are human. We're we're going to do something that really probably isn't appropriate or right. And then we need to be asking for forgiveness. And we need to build this a culture of forgiveness in our relationship. How do we do that effectively?

Well, I think it involves apologizing And but here's the deal we have different ideas on what a sincere apology looks like. You know, he says to her, I'm sorry, honey. And she's thinking, you certainly are. Is there anything else you want to say? He thinks he's apologizing. She thinks she's. She thinks he's giving a character report. You know, we were taught to apologize by our parents, but we have different ideas on what a sincere apology looks like. And I deal with that in one of the chapters here. I wrote a whole book on that topic. But what I'm doing in this book is condensing a lot of things I've written about in other books along the way, but learning how to apologize in a meaningful way and then choosing to forgive, which means I'm going to pardon you and I'm going to remove the barrier this has created so that we can now go forward in our relationship. I call this really one of the essentials to having a long term, healthy marriage because as you said earlier, none of us are perfect. We're human and sometimes we're going to fail. But if we deal with them by apologizing and forgiving each other. Then we can move forward in our relationship if we don't apologize and forgive. That sits as a barrier between us, and it does not go away with the passing of time. It only goes away when we apologize and we choose to forgive. And that's how people build walls between them, because they don't ever apologize. So they've got all these things where they've hurt each other and they're just sitting there between them. And now they're just living in living in the same house.

Well, I think it involves apologizing And but here's the deal we have different ideas on what a sincere apology looks like. You know, he says to her, I'm sorry, honey. And she's thinking, you certainly are. Is there anything else you want to say? He thinks he's apologizing. She thinks she's. She thinks he's giving a character report. You know, we were taught to apologize by our parents, but we have different ideas on what a sincere apology looks like. And I deal with that in one of the chapters here. I wrote a whole book on that topic. But what I'm doing in this book is condensing a lot of things I've written about in other books along the way, but learning how to apologize in a meaningful way and then choosing to forgive, which means I'm going to pardon you and I'm going to remove the barrier this has created so that we can now go forward in our relationship. I call this really one of the essentials to having a long term, healthy marriage because as you said earlier, none of us are perfect. We're human and sometimes we're going to fail. But if we deal with them by apologizing and forgiving each other. Then we can move forward in our relationship if we don't apologize and forgive. That sits as a barrier between us, and it does not go away with the passing of time. It only goes away when we apologize and we choose to forgive. And that's how people build walls between them, because they don't ever apologize. So they've got all these things where they've hurt each other and they're just sitting there between them. And now they're just living in living in the same house.

Right. And so that's exactly what I want to ask you. What about the person who's listening? They're saying, okay, this conversation is about ten years too late because we've been just living as roommates for all these years. How did they start to make their marriage better?

Right. And so that's exactly what I want to ask you. What about the person who's listening? They're saying, okay, this conversation is about ten years too late because we've been just living as roommates for all these years. How did they start to make their marriage better?

First thing I would say is sit down with God alone and simply ask God, Lord, I know I'm not perfect. So show me. Bring to my mind where I am failing in my marriage. I know most of us think the other person's 90% of the problem. Okay. But we all recognize, no, we're not perfect. So, Lord, show me where I'm failing. Write them down and then go back and ask God to forgive you for each one of them. Then go to your spouse and say, I've been thinking about us. And I asked God the other day to show me where I've been failing you. And he gave me a pretty good list, and I have asked God to forgive me. And if you will allow me, I would like to share these with you and ask if you can forgive me. Wow. That's the first step. I believe you take the initiative. Don't wait for Jesus to get the speck out of your own eye before you try to get something out of your spouse's eye. So you do that. And your spouse, even if they don't forgive you, they're going to walk away and be thinking, wow, this is different. All I've heard for ten years is how bad I am and all my mistakes. Never have heard them come apologizing before. Say God can use your behavior to touch their hearts.

First thing I would say is sit down with God alone and simply ask God, Lord, I know I'm not perfect. So show me. Bring to my mind where I am failing in my marriage. I know most of us think the other person's 90% of the problem. Okay. But we all recognize, no, we're not perfect. So, Lord, show me where I'm failing. Write them down and then go back and ask God to forgive you for each one of them. Then go to your spouse and say, I've been thinking about us. And I asked God the other day to show me where I've been failing you. And he gave me a pretty good list, and I have asked God to forgive me. And if you will allow me, I would like to share these with you and ask if you can forgive me. Wow. That's the first step. I believe you take the initiative. Don't wait for Jesus to get the speck out of your own eye before you try to get something out of your spouse's eye. So you do that. And your spouse, even if they don't forgive you, they're going to walk away and be thinking, wow, this is different. All I've heard for ten years is how bad I am and all my mistakes. Never have heard them come apologizing before. Say God can use your behavior to touch their hearts.

Take us back all the way to the altar, though. And when you say I do, what would you tell that couple? I think a lot of the things we've discussed here have already mentioned that. But what would you tell that couple so they don't get to that point?

Take us back all the way to the altar, though. And when you say I do, what would you tell that couple? I think a lot of the things we've discussed here have already mentioned that. But what would you tell that couple so they don't get to that point?

You know, I would say respect each other's humanity and recognize that we are different. We have different personalities. We have different histories. We have different emotions. And treat each other as a human. Respect those differences and work together as a team. The other factor would be be sure you learn each other's love language and speak it on a regular basis. Because if you're getting married, you're going to come down off the high of that in-love experience. Don't want to discourage you, but you're going to come down off the high as a two year lifespan. That's the average. But if you're speaking each other's love language on a regular basis, you'll hardly miss that high because you will be meeting each other's need for emotional love. And that's a significant emotional need that all of us have. And in marriage, the person you would most like to love you is your spouse. If you feel loved by your spouse, life is beautiful. If you don't feel love, then life begins to look pretty dark. So I would say, if you know that up front and you learn each other's love language and speak it from the very beginning, you're going to save yourself a lot of pain and a lot of hurt.

You know, I would say respect each other's humanity and recognize that we are different. We have different personalities. We have different histories. We have different emotions. And treat each other as a human. Respect those differences and work together as a team. The other factor would be be sure you learn each other's love language and speak it on a regular basis. Because if you're getting married, you're going to come down off the high of that in-love experience. Don't want to discourage you, but you're going to come down off the high as a two year lifespan. That's the average. But if you're speaking each other's love language on a regular basis, you'll hardly miss that high because you will be meeting each other's need for emotional love. And that's a significant emotional need that all of us have. And in marriage, the person you would most like to love you is your spouse. If you feel loved by your spouse, life is beautiful. If you don't feel love, then life begins to look pretty dark. So I would say, if you know that up front and you learn each other's love language and speak it from the very beginning, you're going to save yourself a lot of pain and a lot of hurt.

Yeah, become fluent right in their love language. That makes such a big difference. And this book, A Simple Guide for a Better Marriage, is such a practical help and really boiling down 40 years of counseling experience from Doctor Gary Chapman. We have a link to it at digitalk.

Yeah, become fluent right in their love language. That makes such a big difference. And this book, A Simple Guide for a Better Marriage, is such a practical help and really boiling down 40 years of counseling experience from Doctor Gary Chapman. We have a link to it at digitalk.

I'm still looking for that chapter on how to set up a dishwasher, but I'll find it. It's got to be in here somewhere.

I'm still looking for that chapter on how to set up a dishwasher, but I'll find it. It's got to be in here somewhere.

Somewhere? It's there.

Somewhere? It's there.

What was that? I'm sorry. I didn't hear you.

What was that? I'm sorry. I didn't hear you.

I said you will find that chapter.

I said you will find that chapter.

Okay. Excellent.

Okay. Excellent.