This episode was recorded on cameragle Land.

This episode was recorded on cameragle Land.

Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of lifelu Cut.

Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of lifelu Cut.

I'm Brittany and I'm Laura.

I'm Brittany and I'm Laura.

Today we have a relationship expert on the podcast, but she's not just any relationship expert. Her name is Sabrina Zohar and she's very well known and very well loved for the way she delivers her advice. She's very nobleshit. She's very cut to the chase, say the things that you need to hear, not the things that you want to hear.

Today we have a relationship expert on the podcast, but she's not just any relationship expert. Her name is Sabrina Zohar and she's very well known and very well loved for the way she delivers her advice. She's very nobleshit. She's very cut to the chase, say the things that you need to hear, not the things that you want to hear.

And that's what I love about her.

And that's what I love about her.

The thing about this that I found truly fascinating and I really like for anybody who is kind of in the throes of dating. We all know it's very very hard, but the conversation we have is more around the relationship you have with yourself. It's more around how you show up in relationships. Relationships don't just happen to you. You have agency, you have choice and recognizing the patterns that maybe you are playing a pod of in the decisions that you're making and the relationships that you're choosing to be in.

The thing about this that I found truly fascinating and I really like for anybody who is kind of in the throes of dating. We all know it's very very hard, but the conversation we have is more around the relationship you have with yourself. It's more around how you show up in relationships. Relationships don't just happen to you. You have agency, you have choice and recognizing the patterns that maybe you are playing a pod of in the decisions that you're making and the relationships that you're choosing to be in.

Sabrina, Welcome to the podcast.

Sabrina, Welcome to the podcast.

Girls. Thank you so much for having.

Girls. Thank you so much for having.

Me, Sabrina, we never USDT an episode with that and acidently unfiltered, you're embarrassing story, So please tell us what you've got.

Me, Sabrina, we never USDT an episode with that and acidently unfiltered, you're embarrassing story, So please tell us what you've got.

Okay, so let's see my most embarrassing story. I'm just gonna go ahead and share.

Okay, so let's see my most embarrassing story. I'm just gonna go ahead and share.

I think it was.

I think it was.

Actually this would be probably more embarrassing for them than it would be me.

Actually this would be probably more embarrassing for them than it would be me.

But I will never forget.

But I will never forget.

I was dating this guy many months ago and I was like boasting to all of my friends about like how amazing this guy is and how great he is, and how we've been dating each other for a long time. And to my surprise, he used a photo that I had taken of him and my dog as the main photo for his dating app and had connected with a friend of mine. And the only way I found out about this was because she recognized the dog. And needless to say, that was the last time I ever went out with this guy. I was just so pissed off and embarrassed. I was like, are you out of all the things for me to do, that's the one photo you use for your data profile?

I was dating this guy many months ago and I was like boasting to all of my friends about like how amazing this guy is and how great he is, and how we've been dating each other for a long time. And to my surprise, he used a photo that I had taken of him and my dog as the main photo for his dating app and had connected with a friend of mine. And the only way I found out about this was because she recognized the dog. And needless to say, that was the last time I ever went out with this guy. I was just so pissed off and embarrassed. I was like, are you out of all the things for me to do, that's the one photo you use for your data profile?

Sweet?

Sweet?

At least you helped him on his journey, right, You're like, here it is, go forth and be better.

At least you helped him on his journey, right, You're like, here it is, go forth and be better.

All while sleeping with me still, so I was like, I didn't realize it the whole time I was helping this person go on and prosper but also still date me at the same time.

All while sleeping with me still, so I was like, I didn't realize it the whole time I was helping this person go on and prosper but also still date me at the same time.

Can take a good photo.

Can take a good photo.

What you've built through Instagram and through your community is truly remarkable, and I guess I always find it interesting to figure out how you become someone who is the advice giver, Like what have you been through in your life? That kind of gets you to a point where you're like, Okay, I have the answers now because I've lived the life and had the realizations what made you get into relationship advice in the first place.

What you've built through Instagram and through your community is truly remarkable, and I guess I always find it interesting to figure out how you become someone who is the advice giver, Like what have you been through in your life? That kind of gets you to a point where you're like, Okay, I have the answers now because I've lived the life and had the realizations what made you get into relationship advice in the first place.

So I kind of fell into this truthfully.

So I kind of fell into this truthfully.

I had my past life was like I went to school for fashion and I have a clothing line. So I just kind of was like, Okay, I'll just be an entrepreneur. And I started doing podcasts and panels and people just reached out to me about coaching for business of like, hey, how do you bootstrap? How do you start something from nothing? How do you figure this all out? And so I was just kind of coaching, and then that ended up turning into like life coaching, which turned into like relationships stuff. And truthfully, it was when I met my partner, and I had started creating content around then, and most of the content I started creating was just kind of commiserating with like, Hey, this stuff's really fucking tough, and no one's.

I had my past life was like I went to school for fashion and I have a clothing line. So I just kind of was like, Okay, I'll just be an entrepreneur. And I started doing podcasts and panels and people just reached out to me about coaching for business of like, hey, how do you bootstrap? How do you start something from nothing? How do you figure this all out? And so I was just kind of coaching, and then that ended up turning into like life coaching, which turned into like relationships stuff. And truthfully, it was when I met my partner, and I had started creating content around then, and most of the content I started creating was just kind of commiserating with like, Hey, this stuff's really fucking tough, and no one's.

Talking about how tough it is.

Talking about how tough it is.

We're all just either shaming each other or we're seeing these unrealistic relationships. But there really wasn't anything in between. And so then when I met my partner and I started to implement behavior that was different for me that I'd learned in therapy or learned along the way, that was completely contrary to the advice that I was receiving online. That was just kind of the first indication for me of like, no, fuck this, I there's something better out there. There's a voice that needs to be heard, and I think that's me. Now at the time, did I like believe in myself fully?

We're all just either shaming each other or we're seeing these unrealistic relationships. But there really wasn't anything in between. And so then when I met my partner and I started to implement behavior that was different for me that I'd learned in therapy or learned along the way, that was completely contrary to the advice that I was receiving online. That was just kind of the first indication for me of like, no, fuck this, I there's something better out there. There's a voice that needs to be heard, and I think that's me. Now at the time, did I like believe in myself fully?

Now?

Now?

To me, I was like, oh, come on, who gives a shit about me? I'm just some girl and you get the trolls that'll remind.

To me, I was like, oh, come on, who gives a shit about me? I'm just some girl and you get the trolls that'll remind.

You of that.

You of that.

But what I started to realize was as I was implementing a lot of this stuff, I started to see my life change and I started to see my relationships change. And then as I started working with more people tailoring it to this, I started to see like, holy shit, there is a method to them madness that I just don't think anybody's necessarily articulating in a way that's digestible for us to understand, like therapy, terms, neuroscience, all of these really interesting different aspects. And that was kind of the hole I wanted to fill, was I know, I don't know everything, but I know what I know really really well, and I understand human psychology. And if we actually started to realize how many people like project on us and put their shit onto us, then you start to realize like, oh, that's why a lot of the stating advice doesn't actually resonate and leads you to the relationships that you want.

But what I started to realize was as I was implementing a lot of this stuff, I started to see my life change and I started to see my relationships change. And then as I started working with more people tailoring it to this, I started to see like, holy shit, there is a method to them madness that I just don't think anybody's necessarily articulating in a way that's digestible for us to understand, like therapy, terms, neuroscience, all of these really interesting different aspects. And that was kind of the hole I wanted to fill, was I know, I don't know everything, but I know what I know really really well, and I understand human psychology. And if we actually started to realize how many people like project on us and put their shit onto us, then you start to realize like, oh, that's why a lot of the stating advice doesn't actually resonate and leads you to the relationships that you want.

You speak a lot about self awareness, and you know, your journey did start a lot with self awareness. Was there a particular moment or relationship where you were like, Oh, I'm the problem right now and I'm chasing the wrong thing.

You speak a lot about self awareness, and you know, your journey did start a lot with self awareness. Was there a particular moment or relationship where you were like, Oh, I'm the problem right now and I'm chasing the wrong thing.

Oh yeah, I married my father.

Oh yeah, I married my father.

I mean that's cost it's illegal.

I mean that's cost it's illegal.

Yeah, so dog about that all fun complict? Like I married a man that was almost identical to my dad in every single way, and it was a relationship that literally almost broke me. And by the end of it, I was like, yo, dude, you have to be the common denominator. And it was also my sis who sat me down one day and was like, when will you understand you and your anxiety of the fucking problem? And I was like, oh, okay, and like, of course at the time, I was like, you're such a bitch. I can't believe you'd say that. Now I'm like, nah, you were right, I understand. But it was really I think, you know, Freud has the term repetition compulsion, right, You're going to keep dating the parts of you that are not healed. You're going to keep dating people that mimic the closest mimic to your caregivers, hoping if you can work on that, then you're going to be able to move on from all the pain in the past. And so that was me. I was just kind of continuously living in my trauma. And that was the relationship that I started therapy after started doing my Kenemy treatments, made and child Journey, all of those variables that I started to realize, like, you're the common denominator in this whole entire thing. And until you start to understand how you show up is also going to impact how other people show up, then.

Yeah, so dog about that all fun complict? Like I married a man that was almost identical to my dad in every single way, and it was a relationship that literally almost broke me. And by the end of it, I was like, yo, dude, you have to be the common denominator. And it was also my sis who sat me down one day and was like, when will you understand you and your anxiety of the fucking problem? And I was like, oh, okay, and like, of course at the time, I was like, you're such a bitch. I can't believe you'd say that. Now I'm like, nah, you were right, I understand. But it was really I think, you know, Freud has the term repetition compulsion, right, You're going to keep dating the parts of you that are not healed. You're going to keep dating people that mimic the closest mimic to your caregivers, hoping if you can work on that, then you're going to be able to move on from all the pain in the past. And so that was me. I was just kind of continuously living in my trauma. And that was the relationship that I started therapy after started doing my Kenemy treatments, made and child Journey, all of those variables that I started to realize, like, you're the common denominator in this whole entire thing. And until you start to understand how you show up is also going to impact how other people show up, then.

You're just constantly living in this life.

You're just constantly living in this life.

Of like everything keeps happening to me without realizing like it's actually happening for you. We just have to be aware enough to see how these things all play together.

Of like everything keeps happening to me without realizing like it's actually happening for you. We just have to be aware enough to see how these things all play together.

It's interesting you say this because that we talk about a lot on this podcast is like patent behavior and patent dating in relationships. It's something that I have been guilty of myself. It's something that I think Britt has also been guilty of. But I think we all do this right. We all have like as and when we think of like a type, often people think of like a physical type, and then they go, I don't have a type. By date heats the different types of guys that look different. But when you actually start to unpack the personality qualities of the person that it is that you're choosing, often there is a pattern, and we have this repeated behavior and this repeated cycle of relationships over and over.

It's interesting you say this because that we talk about a lot on this podcast is like patent behavior and patent dating in relationships. It's something that I have been guilty of myself. It's something that I think Britt has also been guilty of. But I think we all do this right. We all have like as and when we think of like a type, often people think of like a physical type, and then they go, I don't have a type. By date heats the different types of guys that look different. But when you actually start to unpack the personality qualities of the person that it is that you're choosing, often there is a pattern, and we have this repeated behavior and this repeated cycle of relationships over and over.

Oh one hundred percent.

Oh one hundred percent.

You know, there's that old saying like the definition of insanity is doing the same thing, expecting a different result, and it's like, no, that's trauma, right. And so when we go after a pattern like I was textbook, Like I said, when I said I married my father, it was like it was it was eerily creepy how similar they were and not just physically, but more so how they treated me. And what we have to look at is typically speaking, when we start to see like I'm not going to call you guys out, but I'm going to call you out because if we're eating long distance, right, if you have a pattern where you're like I always go for these emotionally unavailable people, or I date these people that are out of reach, it's like, well, then a part of us is also emotionally unavailable, because if we're not showing those parts of ourself, well, then we're going to continue to mirror what feels unco feels comfortable.

You know, there's that old saying like the definition of insanity is doing the same thing, expecting a different result, and it's like, no, that's trauma, right. And so when we go after a pattern like I was textbook, Like I said, when I said I married my father, it was like it was it was eerily creepy how similar they were and not just physically, but more so how they treated me. And what we have to look at is typically speaking, when we start to see like I'm not going to call you guys out, but I'm going to call you out because if we're eating long distance, right, if you have a pattern where you're like I always go for these emotionally unavailable people, or I date these people that are out of reach, it's like, well, then a part of us is also emotionally unavailable, because if we're not showing those parts of ourself, well, then we're going to continue to mirror what feels unco feels comfortable.

Right.

Right.

So if I grew up in a household with an emotionally unavailable parent and I don't feel like I can safely express myself, then that is now how I'm going to manifest in my adult relationships. I like to call it the bullshit blueprint, and the bullshit blueprint is essentially all of those core beliefs and things that were ingrained in you as a child, things that you didn't have a choice over, you did not get to learn. Who taught you how to love yourself, who taught you how to communicate? School didn't fucking teach that. I know my Polythagrean theorem, but I don't know how to do my taxes. So it's like when we stop and kind of strip it back and say, where did I learn this behavior from? Okay, well, then that's where we create these patterns, because the patterns are going to keep you safe. Your brain loves familiarity, so it's not trying to learn new things. It's trying to just get you through your day as safely as you possibly can, which just means to rely on old conditioning.

So if I grew up in a household with an emotionally unavailable parent and I don't feel like I can safely express myself, then that is now how I'm going to manifest in my adult relationships. I like to call it the bullshit blueprint, and the bullshit blueprint is essentially all of those core beliefs and things that were ingrained in you as a child, things that you didn't have a choice over, you did not get to learn. Who taught you how to love yourself, who taught you how to communicate? School didn't fucking teach that. I know my Polythagrean theorem, but I don't know how to do my taxes. So it's like when we stop and kind of strip it back and say, where did I learn this behavior from? Okay, well, then that's where we create these patterns, because the patterns are going to keep you safe. Your brain loves familiarity, so it's not trying to learn new things. It's trying to just get you through your day as safely as you possibly can, which just means to rely on old conditioning.

Just to be clear, my fiancee is emotionally available. He's just not physically here. But I am okay, I am very interested in why, and I don't want to blanket statement, but women do tend to be hyper attracted to people that are emotionally unavailable. It's like it is the biggest grain flag for us, even though we obviously know it's a red flag. Why do you reckon like as a whole. That is such a sexy attribute for someone to have, like, oh, fuck ya, he's gonna give me nothing.

Just to be clear, my fiancee is emotionally available. He's just not physically here. But I am okay, I am very interested in why, and I don't want to blanket statement, but women do tend to be hyper attracted to people that are emotionally unavailable. It's like it is the biggest grain flag for us, even though we obviously know it's a red flag. Why do you reckon like as a whole. That is such a sexy attribute for someone to have, like, oh, fuck ya, he's gonna give me nothing.

It's like I want to be the exception. It's what it is.

It's like I want to be the exception. It's what it is.

I want this relationship to be the one that he like, I'm going to change him and to turn him.

I want this relationship to be the one that he like, I'm going to change him and to turn him.

Yeah, precisely, it's like we want to be chosen, right especially typically, see what we see is if you actually trail it back, there is some core wound there of not feeling chosen, not feeling like a priority, feeling like love has to be earned. Because I remember seeing this one quote and it was like a girl told her friend the guy stopped dating me, and she said, what would your response be as a secure person? And the girl said, well, here's the issue between the secure versus the insecure. The secure person would look and say, I know that this person's not for me.

Yeah, precisely, it's like we want to be chosen, right especially typically, see what we see is if you actually trail it back, there is some core wound there of not feeling chosen, not feeling like a priority, feeling like love has to be earned. Because I remember seeing this one quote and it was like a girl told her friend the guy stopped dating me, and she said, what would your response be as a secure person? And the girl said, well, here's the issue between the secure versus the insecure. The secure person would look and say, I know that this person's not for me.

That's okay.

That's okay.

There's going to be other people out there and it's not about me, And she said, the insecure person, the first thing that they think about is what's wrong with me?

There's going to be other people out there and it's not about me, And she said, the insecure person, the first thing that they think about is what's wrong with me?

What was I not good enough?

What was I not good enough?

And so usually what happens when we go after somebody that is going to reinstate, they're confirming those core beliefs. See, I'm not good enough, I'm not worthy. I want to be chosen because if they choose me, Hello, repetition, compulsion. If they choose me, then everything from the past will no longer feel pain because I could get them. I might not have been able to get my mom or dad, but I could get them to choose me. And that's the perception of control. Oh, all I have to do is act like this and then I can get them. But then when it's up, happening is your needs aren't met. And we're so used to self abandoning, we're not in our own bodies, and we're so concerned with what do they think of me and what do they want, what do they like about me, that we haven't stopped to say, like, well, what is it that I need? And are my needs satisfied and met here? Because growing up that could actually mean that you would lose connection to your caregiver if you stop to ask how you were doing, because it wasn't about you, it was more so often about them.

And so usually what happens when we go after somebody that is going to reinstate, they're confirming those core beliefs. See, I'm not good enough, I'm not worthy. I want to be chosen because if they choose me, Hello, repetition, compulsion. If they choose me, then everything from the past will no longer feel pain because I could get them. I might not have been able to get my mom or dad, but I could get them to choose me. And that's the perception of control. Oh, all I have to do is act like this and then I can get them. But then when it's up, happening is your needs aren't met. And we're so used to self abandoning, we're not in our own bodies, and we're so concerned with what do they think of me and what do they want, what do they like about me, that we haven't stopped to say, like, well, what is it that I need? And are my needs satisfied and met here? Because growing up that could actually mean that you would lose connection to your caregiver if you stop to ask how you were doing, because it wasn't about you, it was more so often about them.

A lot of people when they're going through dating and they've had, like you know, a terrible relationship. After terrible relationship, often there becomes this light bulb moment where you realize, oh, okay, the self awareness hits where you're like, I am a common denominator in the choices that I'm making. That happens for some people, it absolutely doesn't happen for others. Like age and timing is not a guarantee that you're gonna have this light bulb moment where you realize that you're not just a victim in all of your relationships. How can people be more self aware or get to that place of nirvana where they go, oh, I see that there's a pattern here, and this pattern is affecting my life rather than just being passive within relationships and feel as though they're happening to them and they don't have control over it.

A lot of people when they're going through dating and they've had, like you know, a terrible relationship. After terrible relationship, often there becomes this light bulb moment where you realize, oh, okay, the self awareness hits where you're like, I am a common denominator in the choices that I'm making. That happens for some people, it absolutely doesn't happen for others. Like age and timing is not a guarantee that you're gonna have this light bulb moment where you realize that you're not just a victim in all of your relationships. How can people be more self aware or get to that place of nirvana where they go, oh, I see that there's a pattern here, and this pattern is affecting my life rather than just being passive within relationships and feel as though they're happening to them and they don't have control over it.

It's a great question, and it's loaded.

It's a great question, and it's loaded.

And what I mean by that is there's a couple of there's a little bit of nuance because the reality is somebody lacking self awareness that is actually serving them a purpose. Right, Because if I don't need to well I'm the victim, I get to just perpetually stay.

And what I mean by that is there's a couple of there's a little bit of nuance because the reality is somebody lacking self awareness that is actually serving them a purpose. Right, Because if I don't need to well I'm the victim, I get to just perpetually stay.

In this life.

In this life.

I don't have to take accountability and ownership because taking accountability and ownership means that you actually have agency and choice over life, and for a lot of people, it's easier to feel I just don't have any and oftentimes like those are the people that's like, that's where therapy really starts to come in of working with somebody that can actually help you rewire your brain. You know, my friend Nicole is a neuroscience. So I don't know if you guys know a Nicole's neuroscience. And she was always telling me like, it takes three hundred repetitions for your body to remember something, but it takes three thousand repetitions for your brain to start a new neural pathway. So if that takes three thousand times for me to say something or remind myself or go towards this, the amount.

I don't have to take accountability and ownership because taking accountability and ownership means that you actually have agency and choice over life, and for a lot of people, it's easier to feel I just don't have any and oftentimes like those are the people that's like, that's where therapy really starts to come in of working with somebody that can actually help you rewire your brain. You know, my friend Nicole is a neuroscience. So I don't know if you guys know a Nicole's neuroscience. And she was always telling me like, it takes three hundred repetitions for your body to remember something, but it takes three thousand repetitions for your brain to start a new neural pathway. So if that takes three thousand times for me to say something or remind myself or go towards this, the amount.

Of people that are like, I don't want to do that, Yeah, and I see it every day. I'll create content.

Of people that are like, I don't want to do that, Yeah, and I see it every day. I'll create content.

Let's say about like, instead of ghosting, say this, like, let's stop this bullshit culture, let's become better versions of ourself. The amount of people that are like ghosting is easier. And I said, well, so this is about being easy, and so her response was, well, listen, I'm out there. I need to make money and I'm running the show and I have to take care of everything and I don't want to deal with it. And then when I said, okay, so you think you're the only person that goes out and has to make money, like there's not we don't need to have any self awareness to understand how you're impacting other people. And her response was, well, I would be heartbroken to receive this, So why would I need to have somebody else be heartbroken. I don't want to deal with this. I don't want to hear something that I don't want to hear. And I was like, oh, okay, so you're entitled, right, so i'll you can't speak, can't say anything because you don't want to hear it. And what we see is like we have to remember for people to take accountability and ownership of their life, which means they would have to take control of their life, which means they have to take accountability and ownership, radical accountability and ownership of their life. And it's easier to stay in the victim mode because in the victim mode everything is poor.

Let's say about like, instead of ghosting, say this, like, let's stop this bullshit culture, let's become better versions of ourself. The amount of people that are like ghosting is easier. And I said, well, so this is about being easy, and so her response was, well, listen, I'm out there. I need to make money and I'm running the show and I have to take care of everything and I don't want to deal with it. And then when I said, okay, so you think you're the only person that goes out and has to make money, like there's not we don't need to have any self awareness to understand how you're impacting other people. And her response was, well, I would be heartbroken to receive this, So why would I need to have somebody else be heartbroken. I don't want to deal with this. I don't want to hear something that I don't want to hear. And I was like, oh, okay, so you're entitled, right, so i'll you can't speak, can't say anything because you don't want to hear it. And what we see is like we have to remember for people to take accountability and ownership of their life, which means they would have to take control of their life, which means they have to take accountability and ownership, radical accountability and ownership of their life. And it's easier to stay in the victim mode because in the victim mode everything is poor.

Woe is me?

Woe is me?

See, I don't have control over this, just as my bad luck. But that then one you discredit yourself. Two you self abandon and three you completely take any power away from yourself that you even remotely have because it's easier.

See, I don't have control over this, just as my bad luck. But that then one you discredit yourself. Two you self abandon and three you completely take any power away from yourself that you even remotely have because it's easier.

I'm just gonna say it.

I'm just gonna say it.

It's hard to do the work. It's really hard to look at yourself and say your fucking part in things.

It's hard to do the work. It's really hard to look at yourself and say your fucking part in things.

But it's also really hard to kind of undo the conditioning that we have. Like we live in a world of dating now, and I mean it's widely spoken about the disposability of it, how easy it is with online dating to find a new match and kind of like move on from something. And I guess like ghosting now is far easier than ghosting back in the well, actually maybe not. Maybe ghosting back in the day was like I'm not going to call them on the landline, just don't answer the phone for all.

But it's also really hard to kind of undo the conditioning that we have. Like we live in a world of dating now, and I mean it's widely spoken about the disposability of it, how easy it is with online dating to find a new match and kind of like move on from something. And I guess like ghosting now is far easier than ghosting back in the well, actually maybe not. Maybe ghosting back in the day was like I'm not going to call them on the landline, just don't answer the phone for all.

Now you don't show up at the pub at five pm on Friday when you.

Now you don't show up at the pub at five pm on Friday when you.

Were supposed to.

Were supposed to.

Yeah, it was like a real legitimate ghosting, whereas now we do things like the soft fade, send a really half us text and just like leave people in this purgatory of relationships for such a long time. But do you think that this kind of like ease of dating has increased almost like our ease of everything, our conflict avoidance. I guess like the best way maybe describing it is like not feel discomfort in relationships so that we just can kind of move on to the next thing.

Yeah, it was like a real legitimate ghosting, whereas now we do things like the soft fade, send a really half us text and just like leave people in this purgatory of relationships for such a long time. But do you think that this kind of like ease of dating has increased almost like our ease of everything, our conflict avoidance. I guess like the best way maybe describing it is like not feel discomfort in relationships so that we just can kind of move on to the next thing.

So the reality is right now, it's like anything the casino always wins, right, So like dating apps, they're they're made. It's a double edged sword for everything that we have the Internet, for all of its positives, we have a shit ton of negatives. So me personally, I met my partner in a dating app, So I understand, Yes, absolutely, there is a lot of really really shitty and toxic aspects to dating right now. But really where I think it goes back is like it's kind of back to that it's easier for me to not have to take accountability and do work and I can just bop to the next, bop to the next. Now when we actually strip things back, because I hear this every time every day of like it was easier to date back in the day, and it's like it was different. I don't know about easier, because here's the reality. Back in the day, we didn't have the influx of information we have to learn about narcissism and avoidance and attachment styles. You just had to marry who was in your proximity and timing. Right, I'm twenty two, you're twenty two.

So the reality is right now, it's like anything the casino always wins, right, So like dating apps, they're they're made. It's a double edged sword for everything that we have the Internet, for all of its positives, we have a shit ton of negatives. So me personally, I met my partner in a dating app, So I understand, Yes, absolutely, there is a lot of really really shitty and toxic aspects to dating right now. But really where I think it goes back is like it's kind of back to that it's easier for me to not have to take accountability and do work and I can just bop to the next, bop to the next. Now when we actually strip things back, because I hear this every time every day of like it was easier to date back in the day, and it's like it was different. I don't know about easier, because here's the reality. Back in the day, we didn't have the influx of information we have to learn about narcissism and avoidance and attachment styles. You just had to marry who was in your proximity and timing. Right, I'm twenty two, you're twenty two.

Let's do this.

Let's do this.

Okay, we went on a few dates, we can get married, and then we wonder why we are so many generations of divorce, divorce, divorce, not happy.

Okay, we went on a few dates, we can get married, and then we wonder why we are so many generations of divorce, divorce, divorce, not happy.

This person's doing this now.

This person's doing this now.

I would hope that we would have more flexibility to learn about ourselves and to implement this growth, to not have a a societal clock on us as women that we have to get married at twenty two and have a child. But with that freedom the pendulum, with all the good, comes the bad as well. And I think a lot of people they do see it as well. This is just easier. People are commodities, They're disposable to them. I deal with the misogyny every day, the red pill ideology, this Manno's fear that's starting to become a thing now of just this entitlement, frankly speaking, going around that like people are what do I owe you? And it's like what you owe somebody is your common fucking decency. And I think we've lost the art of just basic respect when it comes to how we treat other people. And all I can say is if you're out there dating and experiencing this. We can't control other people. I try every day to create content to help, but what we can control is how we show up. And what we can't control is our reaction to these emotions and to these situations. So yeah, if somebody goes to you, feel it, morn it, process it, but also recognize that that's on them and that is not a representation of you.

I would hope that we would have more flexibility to learn about ourselves and to implement this growth, to not have a a societal clock on us as women that we have to get married at twenty two and have a child. But with that freedom the pendulum, with all the good, comes the bad as well. And I think a lot of people they do see it as well. This is just easier. People are commodities, They're disposable to them. I deal with the misogyny every day, the red pill ideology, this Manno's fear that's starting to become a thing now of just this entitlement, frankly speaking, going around that like people are what do I owe you? And it's like what you owe somebody is your common fucking decency. And I think we've lost the art of just basic respect when it comes to how we treat other people. And all I can say is if you're out there dating and experiencing this. We can't control other people. I try every day to create content to help, but what we can control is how we show up. And what we can't control is our reaction to these emotions and to these situations. So yeah, if somebody goes to you, feel it, morn it, process it, but also recognize that that's on them and that is not a representation of you.

Easier said than done.

Easier said than done.

Sure, choose your hard but when it comes to the dating landscape, we have to become better buyers. We have to be more cognizant and aware there are a plethora of people. We have to understand how we're coming off. When I met my partner, I understood that he was an attractive guy who probably had a million girls, and I had five other guys that I was talking to.

Sure, choose your hard but when it comes to the dating landscape, we have to become better buyers. We have to be more cognizant and aware there are a plethora of people. We have to understand how we're coming off. When I met my partner, I understood that he was an attractive guy who probably had a million girls, and I had five other guys that I was talking to.

But I showed up.

But I showed up.

So unapologetically because in my mind, I was like, what the fuck do I have to lose? By that authenticity and real transparency, I allowed someone else to show up like that as well and build a solid foundation.

So unapologetically because in my mind, I was like, what the fuck do I have to lose? By that authenticity and real transparency, I allowed someone else to show up like that as well and build a solid foundation.

It took me. I'm thirty four.

It took me. I'm thirty four.

I met him at thirty two, so it took me eighteen years of my adult life to meet someone like that. But ultimately it took me eighteen years of my adult life to meet myself like that. And that's the issue is it's a bunch of people running around saying I don't know, I just can't find the right person. Yeah, no, that's it. I just can't find the right person. And it's like, no, you haven't become the right fucking person. That's the problem.

I met him at thirty two, so it took me eighteen years of my adult life to meet someone like that. But ultimately it took me eighteen years of my adult life to meet myself like that. And that's the issue is it's a bunch of people running around saying I don't know, I just can't find the right person. Yeah, no, that's it. I just can't find the right person. And it's like, no, you haven't become the right fucking person. That's the problem.

I love the way that you speak about this in such a like, okay, cause it is easier to sit being the victim, right, It is easier to be like, I keep dating these people, relationships never work out. Dating is so hard, he woe is me, but it is. It's very cutting. And let me tell you, if I was where I was six years ago, having this conversation with you right now, I would find the truths very hard to digest, because when you're in the thick of a very bad relationship where that person has done wrong by you and you are a victim by what's going on in your circumstance, it's so hard to hear someone else tell you, well, actually you kind of brought this upon yourself a little bit. But now with like the beauty of hindsight. Looking back on those moments, I'm like, holy shit, I am the problem, and I am the common denominator for people who are and maybe they're having this moment of realizing that they've got some sort of repetition within their relationship, so there might be some sort of like patterns. How do people really identify what those patterns look like and go okay, no, no, no, I really do have this sort of like blueprint that I'm following. Even though it's a different guy or a different person, it's the same type of relationship.

I love the way that you speak about this in such a like, okay, cause it is easier to sit being the victim, right, It is easier to be like, I keep dating these people, relationships never work out. Dating is so hard, he woe is me, but it is. It's very cutting. And let me tell you, if I was where I was six years ago, having this conversation with you right now, I would find the truths very hard to digest, because when you're in the thick of a very bad relationship where that person has done wrong by you and you are a victim by what's going on in your circumstance, it's so hard to hear someone else tell you, well, actually you kind of brought this upon yourself a little bit. But now with like the beauty of hindsight. Looking back on those moments, I'm like, holy shit, I am the problem, and I am the common denominator for people who are and maybe they're having this moment of realizing that they've got some sort of repetition within their relationship, so there might be some sort of like patterns. How do people really identify what those patterns look like and go okay, no, no, no, I really do have this sort of like blueprint that I'm following. Even though it's a different guy or a different person, it's the same type of relationship.

How do we recognize that?

How do we recognize that?

Oh, good old fashioned paper and a pen. That's what I did, was like journaling, activate a different part of your brain. So if we can start to literally write out like, Okay, what are the experiences.

Oh, good old fashioned paper and a pen. That's what I did, was like journaling, activate a different part of your brain. So if we can start to literally write out like, Okay, what are the experiences.

I've had in dating?

I've had in dating?

So for me, prior to all of this, I was meeting a bunch of people who only wanted to sleep with me. I wasn't being taken seriously. These guys weren't ready for commitment. I kept going, Okay, what was their commonalities?

So for me, prior to all of this, I was meeting a bunch of people who only wanted to sleep with me. I wasn't being taken seriously. These guys weren't ready for commitment. I kept going, Okay, what was their commonalities?

They were all?

They were all?

I was going after super successful guys. I was going after the six or four tattooed guys. Okay, so off the bat, I'm going they're all emotionally unavailable. They all have the same patterns, And what's my common denounor world? What do I keep allowing? And that's a good place to start. What do I keep allowing? I keep allowing this person to tell me one thing but then do another. I keep allowing this person to disrespect my boundaries? What are my non negotiables? Are my relationships matching my non negotiables. It's really about zooming out and being able to collectively look. And this is where this is where self awareness comes in, because somebody could zoom out and say I don't not choosing these people. I just keep meeting them, and it's like, right, how are you showing up? None of this is about shame or blame. It's about taking ownership of your life. And I would never blame anybody for the situations that they're in. But what I will say is I will hold you accountable for your part in this so that you can grow and heal and move forward.

I was going after super successful guys. I was going after the six or four tattooed guys. Okay, so off the bat, I'm going they're all emotionally unavailable. They all have the same patterns, And what's my common denounor world? What do I keep allowing? And that's a good place to start. What do I keep allowing? I keep allowing this person to tell me one thing but then do another. I keep allowing this person to disrespect my boundaries? What are my non negotiables? Are my relationships matching my non negotiables. It's really about zooming out and being able to collectively look. And this is where this is where self awareness comes in, because somebody could zoom out and say I don't not choosing these people. I just keep meeting them, and it's like, right, how are you showing up? None of this is about shame or blame. It's about taking ownership of your life. And I would never blame anybody for the situations that they're in. But what I will say is I will hold you accountable for your part in this so that you can grow and heal and move forward.

That's the only way.

That's the only way.

So starting to understand, look at the commonalities, look at the last five people that you've date, and tell me what they all share. And then start to see the common words that you start to see.

So starting to understand, look at the commonalities, look at the last five people that you've date, and tell me what they all share. And then start to see the common words that you start to see.

It is so true.

It is so true.

It's how many times you say, oh, he keeps doing this to me, He's treating me like this as well. Well, you are actually letting him the fact that you're still there. You're allowing him to go and do that behavior, whatever it is, and coming back. You've set those boundaries. Whether your boundaries have changed and lapsed or are a bit bendy, like maybe you're they're a bit malleable, bit too malleable, because you don't want to lose that person. At the end of the day, it is up to you as an individual to say what you are and aren't okay with. But I want to go back to sort of talking about when we meet someone. It might be wrong, but I sort of love the idea of limerence and that feeling of like when you initially meet someone, the deep fascination, the obsession, that incredible desire that takes over. How do you differentiate between the feeling of limerens being negative or love bombing or can it turn into a beautiful, positive relationship? Because I feel like when I look back to when I met my fiance, I think I was in that state like we think we both were but it worked out really well. But I think a lot of people get confused with this toxicity and love bumming totally.

It's how many times you say, oh, he keeps doing this to me, He's treating me like this as well. Well, you are actually letting him the fact that you're still there. You're allowing him to go and do that behavior, whatever it is, and coming back. You've set those boundaries. Whether your boundaries have changed and lapsed or are a bit bendy, like maybe you're they're a bit malleable, bit too malleable, because you don't want to lose that person. At the end of the day, it is up to you as an individual to say what you are and aren't okay with. But I want to go back to sort of talking about when we meet someone. It might be wrong, but I sort of love the idea of limerence and that feeling of like when you initially meet someone, the deep fascination, the obsession, that incredible desire that takes over. How do you differentiate between the feeling of limerens being negative or love bombing or can it turn into a beautiful, positive relationship? Because I feel like when I look back to when I met my fiance, I think I was in that state like we think we both were but it worked out really well. But I think a lot of people get confused with this toxicity and love bumming totally.

And I think there's an aspect.

And I think there's an aspect.

It's like, it's like looking at alcohol, right, it's not a bad if you have one drink. It's bad if you have the if you have three bottles.

It's like, it's like looking at alcohol, right, it's not a bad if you have one drink. It's bad if you have the if you have three bottles.

Right.

Right.

So it's like, I think we have to also understand ourselves. If you go into something and your thought process and you have a mindset of hey, if this works out, it works out. If it doesn't, that's okay, right, Like if you're walking in saying I can handle this, Oh my god, daydream all day.

So it's like, I think we have to also understand ourselves. If you go into something and your thought process and you have a mindset of hey, if this works out, it works out. If it doesn't, that's okay, right, Like if you're walking in saying I can handle this, Oh my god, daydream all day.

I don't really care.

I don't really care.

Where it becomes a problem is when I can't eat, i can't sleep, I'm just regulated. Why haven't they called me? I'm staring at my phone, what's going on? Where are they? That's when it becomes obsessive and you're ruminating and spiraling. That's when we have to say this is no longer healthy. It's the same with butterflies and the sparks. Does it work out if you met your partner and you're like I felt sparks on the first date and we're in a really healthy relationship. It's like, yeah, Hindsight's twenty twenty. That sounds like a great about us story. But more often than not, the spark has been studied by Harvard and by a million plate people to show that it's really just a rush of blood to your extremity so that you could run for safety. Actually, I know it's crazy if you're like somebody that says, oh, it's fine, I could feel the spark, but if it doesn't work out, that's okay. It's like, then enjoy yourself. But what happens is there are people that don't understand moderation. Right, Oh, if I don't feel the spark, I won't give this person an opportunity. And you're like, yeah, but you don't really know this person, you're not giving them a chance. So I think an excertain element of excitement and vulnerability and transparency is of course that's dating, right, we want it's unknown, it's confusing, it's fun, it's sexy, it's all of these things.

Where it becomes a problem is when I can't eat, i can't sleep, I'm just regulated. Why haven't they called me? I'm staring at my phone, what's going on? Where are they? That's when it becomes obsessive and you're ruminating and spiraling. That's when we have to say this is no longer healthy. It's the same with butterflies and the sparks. Does it work out if you met your partner and you're like I felt sparks on the first date and we're in a really healthy relationship. It's like, yeah, Hindsight's twenty twenty. That sounds like a great about us story. But more often than not, the spark has been studied by Harvard and by a million plate people to show that it's really just a rush of blood to your extremity so that you could run for safety. Actually, I know it's crazy if you're like somebody that says, oh, it's fine, I could feel the spark, but if it doesn't work out, that's okay. It's like, then enjoy yourself. But what happens is there are people that don't understand moderation. Right, Oh, if I don't feel the spark, I won't give this person an opportunity. And you're like, yeah, but you don't really know this person, you're not giving them a chance. So I think an excertain element of excitement and vulnerability and transparency is of course that's dating, right, we want it's unknown, it's confusing, it's fun, it's sexy, it's all of these things.

But at the end of the day, do.

But at the end of the day, do.

You trust yourself that, no matter what, you'll be okay? Do you trust yourself that you will make the best decision for yourself no matter what.

You trust yourself that, no matter what, you'll be okay? Do you trust yourself that you will make the best decision for yourself no matter what.

That's what I care about.

That's what I care about.

We've spoken a lot about this idea that chemistry can lie because I absolutely do. I think people confuse they confuse chemistry with being an identifier of a great relationship, and I think often, well more sometimes more often than not, like really overwhelming, chemistry can be an identifier that maybe you'll hang on for dear life when a relationship actually is really shit and should have let go of it, because you're like, but we have all this chemistry, we're supposed to be together. Do you think that often people fall in love with or they are clinging onto the potential of a relationship where they see it could be if only we fix this, if I give them one more chance, if I thinkive this one thing, the potential of what a relationship could be, rather than who the person is and how they're showing up in that relationship.

We've spoken a lot about this idea that chemistry can lie because I absolutely do. I think people confuse they confuse chemistry with being an identifier of a great relationship, and I think often, well more sometimes more often than not, like really overwhelming, chemistry can be an identifier that maybe you'll hang on for dear life when a relationship actually is really shit and should have let go of it, because you're like, but we have all this chemistry, we're supposed to be together. Do you think that often people fall in love with or they are clinging onto the potential of a relationship where they see it could be if only we fix this, if I give them one more chance, if I thinkive this one thing, the potential of what a relationship could be, rather than who the person is and how they're showing up in that relationship.

One hundred percent.

One hundred percent.

I think the pendulum swings between that avoidance and that anxious scale between either I leave too quick or I stay way too long, right, And it's like we have kind of those polarities.

I think the pendulum swings between that avoidance and that anxious scale between either I leave too quick or I stay way too long, right, And it's like we have kind of those polarities.

Between the two. And I think at the end of the day, I hear it every day. I hear. I hear a lot.

Between the two. And I think at the end of the day, I hear it every day. I hear. I hear a lot.

What really makes what breaks my heart is when anybody writes and it's like a very clear paragraph that this person is treating you like trash, like this is someone who is below breadcrumbing, And then I'll see all of this.

What really makes what breaks my heart is when anybody writes and it's like a very clear paragraph that this person is treating you like trash, like this is someone who is below breadcrumbing, And then I'll see all of this.

But I love him, and he's amazing in this.

But I love him, and he's amazing in this.

Person's and so what I first see is this grave disconnect between reality and fantasy. And what I see is, okay, no, you're projecting what you'd like him to be.

Person's and so what I first see is this grave disconnect between reality and fantasy. And what I see is, okay, no, you're projecting what you'd like him to be.

I love to know.

I love to know.

My first thing I'll ask is, I'm like, maybe five things that make him these equalities that you just listed, And more often than not, I'll get uh uh, well in the beginning, it's like that doesn't count. No, no, no, no, I didn't ask you in the beginning. How they were who they are today? What makes them thoughtful, what makes them compassionate, what makes them empathetic?

My first thing I'll ask is, I'm like, maybe five things that make him these equalities that you just listed, And more often than not, I'll get uh uh, well in the beginning, it's like that doesn't count. No, no, no, no, I didn't ask you in the beginning. How they were who they are today? What makes them thoughtful, what makes them compassionate, what makes them empathetic?

What makes them feel like that's your the love of your life.

What makes them feel like that's your the love of your life.

It's a feeling, but I need facts to back that up, that their behavior is actually what we say it is. And so I see that kind of either, like I said, the pendulum will swing either the minute there's a trigger. It's I can't handle this I'm leaving or this like people pleasing martyr.

It's a feeling, but I need facts to back that up, that their behavior is actually what we say it is. And so I see that kind of either, like I said, the pendulum will swing either the minute there's a trigger. It's I can't handle this I'm leaving or this like people pleasing martyr.

I'll stay as long.

I'll stay as long.

As I need because, let's be honest, we got fucked as children when you think about like Backstreet Boys and in Sync and all of this stuff that they told us, And I'm like, you lie to me.

As I need because, let's be honest, we got fucked as children when you think about like Backstreet Boys and in Sync and all of this stuff that they told us, And I'm like, you lie to me.

We're blaming en Sync. All my problems are en Sync.

We're blaming en Sync. All my problems are en Sync.

But no, I so agree with this idea of like the fear of leaving too soon. I think a lot of people who is stay is. And there's obviously many different types of how people show up in relationships, but there are people who stayas who will stay far longer for the fear of checking out too early, for the fear of but it could have gotten better. So I'm gonna just stick it out and stay. And I guess like it's really hard for some people to differentiate. Okay, when is it time to leave? And we get this question that comes in across ask. We do ask and cut, and it's like, exactly what you said, this person is ideally the person I want to be with. But when you actually write it all down and you unpack it, you're like, oh, they're actually a terrible person.

But no, I so agree with this idea of like the fear of leaving too soon. I think a lot of people who is stay is. And there's obviously many different types of how people show up in relationships, but there are people who stayas who will stay far longer for the fear of checking out too early, for the fear of but it could have gotten better. So I'm gonna just stick it out and stay. And I guess like it's really hard for some people to differentiate. Okay, when is it time to leave? And we get this question that comes in across ask. We do ask and cut, and it's like, exactly what you said, this person is ideally the person I want to be with. But when you actually write it all down and you unpack it, you're like, oh, they're actually a terrible person.

But I think what you need to think about is like, let's make this really simple. Somebody's potential in a relationship is fiction. It's a story. It's not real, it doesn't exist yet. It's a story you have made up in your head of what it could potentially look like. It's like a finish your own ending on a storybook. You do have to sit in the moment and be like, well, if they're not showing up now and they haven't shown up in the past, I'm spoiler probably not going to show up in the future.

But I think what you need to think about is like, let's make this really simple. Somebody's potential in a relationship is fiction. It's a story. It's not real, it doesn't exist yet. It's a story you have made up in your head of what it could potentially look like. It's like a finish your own ending on a storybook. You do have to sit in the moment and be like, well, if they're not showing up now and they haven't shown up in the past, I'm spoiler probably not going to show up in the future.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

I always like to look at what is not what if right, Like what are you actually dealing with?

I always like to look at what is not what if right, Like what are you actually dealing with?

Not what if this? I hear that, but what if this? And what if this? It's like, here's the thing.

Not what if this? I hear that, but what if this? And what if this? It's like, here's the thing.

If it was what if, then you wouldn't have the issues I suspect to my mom all the time.

If it was what if, then you wouldn't have the issues I suspect to my mom all the time.

They'd be like, but but what if he did this?

They'd be like, but but what if he did this?

And my mom was sa if he did that, we wouldn't be having this conversation Sabrina. And it's just about having that reality of like, oh shit, yeah, because then what I also like to look at is a couple of things when we were talking about relationships. One, do you see progress?

And my mom was sa if he did that, we wouldn't be having this conversation Sabrina. And it's just about having that reality of like, oh shit, yeah, because then what I also like to look at is a couple of things when we were talking about relationships. One, do you see progress?

Right?

Right?

Do you actually see progress in your relationship. Does this person make me feel seen, heard and understood if I go to them and express myself, hey, this really bothered me. Do they say, hey, thank you for letting me know. Can we talk about this? Or do they dismiss me, discredit me, bring me down? What's happening in my body? How do I feel in my physical body when I'm with this person? Am I always feeling disregulated? Do I feel like I never know if they're gonna leave me? Right? We see, especially with like that limerence and attachment, the grave difference between when you're with them and when you're not. When you're with them, oh my god, everything's amazing, and then when they're not, it's like the end of the world.

Do you actually see progress in your relationship. Does this person make me feel seen, heard and understood if I go to them and express myself, hey, this really bothered me. Do they say, hey, thank you for letting me know. Can we talk about this? Or do they dismiss me, discredit me, bring me down? What's happening in my body? How do I feel in my physical body when I'm with this person? Am I always feeling disregulated? Do I feel like I never know if they're gonna leave me? Right? We see, especially with like that limerence and attachment, the grave difference between when you're with them and when you're not. When you're with them, oh my god, everything's amazing, and then when they're not, it's like the end of the world.

It's deaf con one.

It's deaf con one.

And then kind of the last thing that we look at here is do you have conflict? But more importantly do you have repair?

And then kind of the last thing that we look at here is do you have conflict? But more importantly do you have repair?

Right?

Right?

Because conflict is normal, right, Like britt, you know you're engaged, you're gonna have issues with your partner, You're gonna have times where you're like, I'm gonna fucking kill you. But what's the repair life? That is how we start to see that's intimacy.

Because conflict is normal, right, Like britt, you know you're engaged, you're gonna have issues with your partner, You're gonna have times where you're like, I'm gonna fucking kill you. But what's the repair life? That is how we start to see that's intimacy.

It's sexy, they're so fucking hot. Oh my god, it's like you pissed me off. I pissed you off.

It's sexy, they're so fucking hot. Oh my god, it's like you pissed me off. I pissed you off.

I'm so sorry, thank you for listening to me. Now we rectify because then but like you know, kind of, Laura, what you were saying is like when you have those relationships where you're like, oh, we break up, get back together, break up, get back together. It's like we consistently have conflict, but we don't have repair because you don't actually feel safe. And I would beg to ask anybody if they're thinking about their relationship. I ask myself this question, how old do I feel? Right? So, if I'm with this person and I'm like, god, I always feel like I'm a fucking child. I always feel like I'm seven around this person, It's like, great, what happened? Then, Oh that's how my dad was. He would be really discrediting of me. It's like great. So then you are just going back into your MiG delibrain and you're acting like a child now, and you're coming from that space as opposed to understanding that you're an adult. You're no longer having to choose just your parents or nothing. You're not dating mom or dad you get to now choose from a plethora of people, and if this doesn't work, you're not going to be abandoned.

I'm so sorry, thank you for listening to me. Now we rectify because then but like you know, kind of, Laura, what you were saying is like when you have those relationships where you're like, oh, we break up, get back together, break up, get back together. It's like we consistently have conflict, but we don't have repair because you don't actually feel safe. And I would beg to ask anybody if they're thinking about their relationship. I ask myself this question, how old do I feel? Right? So, if I'm with this person and I'm like, god, I always feel like I'm a fucking child. I always feel like I'm seven around this person, It's like, great, what happened? Then, Oh that's how my dad was. He would be really discrediting of me. It's like great. So then you are just going back into your MiG delibrain and you're acting like a child now, and you're coming from that space as opposed to understanding that you're an adult. You're no longer having to choose just your parents or nothing. You're not dating mom or dad you get to now choose from a plethora of people, and if this doesn't work, you're not going to be abandoned.

This this is fear of being alone.

This this is fear of being alone.

And that's why a lot of people monkey branch to relationships.

And that's why a lot of people monkey branch to relationships.

They say in a relationship they don't want because they don't want to be alone. Maybe that's subconsciously or maybe it's conscious. What do you think is the best advice for someone that knows they're in that space, they know they don't know how to be in their own company?

They say in a relationship they don't want because they don't want to be alone. Maybe that's subconsciously or maybe it's conscious. What do you think is the best advice for someone that knows they're in that space, they know they don't know how to be in their own company?

Oh, start to ask yourself the questions, what am I so scared of? What am I afraid of happening if I spend time alone? What am I afraid happening if I if I leave this relationship? What am I afraid of happening if I don't meet somebody else? Right, then we can start to understand, Oh, I'm scared no one is ever going to choose me. Okay, So your core belief is that you're not good enough to be chosen, right, Okay, So that's where we're operating from.

Oh, start to ask yourself the questions, what am I so scared of? What am I afraid of happening if I spend time alone? What am I afraid happening if I if I leave this relationship? What am I afraid of happening if I don't meet somebody else? Right, then we can start to understand, Oh, I'm scared no one is ever going to choose me. Okay, So your core belief is that you're not good enough to be chosen, right, Okay, So that's where we're operating from.

Now. Is this person adding to or exacerbating that?

Now. Is this person adding to or exacerbating that?

Right? Are they helping you to heal through this or are they adding to your bullshit and to your narrative, and we kind of really have to look at are you healing through this or are you hurting yourself more? Because again, when we see that of you know, oftentimes of like, oh I love them so much, I can't leave what I usually ask because I'm like, where'd you learn that behavior from? Did you see your mother martyr herself and never set a bound because everything was about the love of your family. Did you learn at a young age that if you set a boundary with someone or express a need that that would potentially mean you lost your caregiver or they would leave or walk out or dismiss you, whatever the case might be. What we really want to look at is what's happening in my body? What are the sensations? What does this remind me of? Because far too often, especially if it's the I love them, I just don't know and all that when there's that uncertainty, what we're doing is if we focus on them, it's easier for us to focus on them than it is to focus on ourselves. If I can focus on why they didn't choose me, I don't have to look at what about me feels that I need this person?

Right? Are they helping you to heal through this or are they adding to your bullshit and to your narrative, and we kind of really have to look at are you healing through this or are you hurting yourself more? Because again, when we see that of you know, oftentimes of like, oh I love them so much, I can't leave what I usually ask because I'm like, where'd you learn that behavior from? Did you see your mother martyr herself and never set a bound because everything was about the love of your family. Did you learn at a young age that if you set a boundary with someone or express a need that that would potentially mean you lost your caregiver or they would leave or walk out or dismiss you, whatever the case might be. What we really want to look at is what's happening in my body? What are the sensations? What does this remind me of? Because far too often, especially if it's the I love them, I just don't know and all that when there's that uncertainty, what we're doing is if we focus on them, it's easier for us to focus on them than it is to focus on ourselves. If I can focus on why they didn't choose me, I don't have to look at what about me feels that I need this person?

To choose me.

To choose me.

Speaking of feelings, though, I mean, I think that that's what so many people make their relationship decisions around, right, It's how I feel about this person. That's how I feel about the relationship. It's not about the facts of the relationship.

Speaking of feelings, though, I mean, I think that that's what so many people make their relationship decisions around, right, It's how I feel about this person. That's how I feel about the relationship. It's not about the facts of the relationship.

How do you marry that?

How do you marry that?

And I guess, like how much of it might be hard to kind of put this in a percentage, but like, how many of our relationship decisions should be based on the way we feel about our relationship, like intuitively feel versus the facts of what is happening within the relationship, because it kind of still has to be a bit of.

And I guess, like how much of it might be hard to kind of put this in a percentage, but like, how many of our relationship decisions should be based on the way we feel about our relationship, like intuitively feel versus the facts of what is happening within the relationship, because it kind of still has to be a bit of.

Both totally, and that there would be contingent upon a person that trusts their intuition because oftentimes I get but that's how I feel, like.

Both totally, and that there would be contingent upon a person that trusts their intuition because oftentimes I get but that's how I feel, like.

I'll give you an example.

I'll give you an example.

One of my clients was on this trip with this guy and he made a comment and like, when I heard the comment, it didn't impact me.

One of my clients was on this trip with this guy and he made a comment and like, when I heard the comment, it didn't impact me.

I was just like, Okay, it triggered her.

I was just like, Okay, it triggered her.

She completely shut down and she was just messaging me, I'm fucking done.

She completely shut down and she was just messaging me, I'm fucking done.

I'm done. I don't want to feel this way.

I'm done. I don't want to feel this way.

And I had to stop her and I said, who WHOA WHOA? Like what is happening here? The pinch doesn't match the ouch. This person made one comment and you are ready to walk out. So then what we have to look at is like, that's not your intuition, you know that's that's your anxiety. That's not intuition, that's trying to protect you. Oh I'm so hurt. Fuck this person.

And I had to stop her and I said, who WHOA WHOA? Like what is happening here? The pinch doesn't match the ouch. This person made one comment and you are ready to walk out. So then what we have to look at is like, that's not your intuition, you know that's that's your anxiety. That's not intuition, that's trying to protect you. Oh I'm so hurt. Fuck this person.

So then we have to look and go.

So then we have to look and go.

Okay, you're running away, you're not actually facing it. Versus if I face it head on and go, oh shit, that person actually didn't say anything inappropriate. That really just triggered me and felt like a six year old. You know what, I need to communicate with this person and have a conversation so I can show up and talk to them. So one, we need to be able to understand our own intuition. Then if I say something, then my next question is, Okay, if I have this feeling, what are the facts to back that feeling up. So it's a DBT practice is challenge your thoughts, right, give me the facts. If I'm a judge and I am in the jury, I'm going to give you a million dollars, but you got to prove this. So if I prove he didn't text me today because he doesn't like me? Okay, where are the facts to back that up? I don't have any. That's not your intuition. That is your anxiety versus he told me he was gonna call me at six o'clock and it's been three days since I heard him. Those are the facts to back up that there is a shift in by dynamic and this person hasn't contacted me that way, we can then start to blend the world between is my intuition guiding me? Because typically what comes with intuition is it's a positive thought process because it's trying to help and serve you. So, for instance, hey, I deserve better than this. That felt disrespectful versus. Anxiety comes with a body sensation. So your body starts to manifest, you sweat, you start to your your neck starts to crumble, you get a stomach ache, your.