Hey lifers,
Welcome back to ask uncut where we answer your deep, dark and burning questions. This episode was recorded a week in advance as Britt is visiting Ben in Romania. Britt opens up about some of the challenges of long distance and what she’s really struggling with at the moment.
Britt has also called one of our listeners a loser. We deeply apologise YourGirlSidney
Do you think it’s okay to be in a relationship if you know that the person isn’t ‘the one’ (or end game) for you? How long is it okay to be ‘working’ this out? Does it depend on the age of the people in the relationship?
Vibes for the week:
Britt: Your Girl Sidney
Keeshia: Medusa Wispy Light Human Hair Fringe - Air Bangs- Clip In
Laura App Eat Club
Then we get into your questions!
HE WON’T GO DOWN ON ME & DOESN’T MAKE AN EFFORT TO PLEASURE ME
I'm 21 and my male partner is 23. We have been together for 3 years. Since we have been together he has only gone down on me maybe 3 times in total for about 20 seconds. I have brought this up with him and asked why he doesn't do it and he replies with "I don't like it sorry" which is totally fine but when we do have sex I never get anything out of it as he never really tries to pleasure me. We have tried sex toys but I think he gets awkward about it and then it never happens again. I talk to my friends about it but all they say is tell me that my relationship is not right and tell me about how good they have it. Sometimes I wonder what I am missing out on. Every other part of our relationship is amazing because he is an amazing human who I love so much. Am I missing out ? And if so what the hell do I do?
HE LIED ABOUT HAVING AN STI
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about 7-8months. He asked me to help him with a work medical claim, he sent over a pack of documents for me to read to help him write a letter. Reading the documents it said he had herpes. When we first started dating I made sure we both had sexual health checks - he was pushing to have sex without a condom, something I’ve never done and didn’t feel comfortable doing without the STI checks prior. The tests came back with no issues flagged so we started having unprotected sex. 7 months later I read this document - he said initially that “he forgot,” then ended up telling me he lied to me because he thought I would break up with him if I knew. Additional context: his previous girlfriend gave him herpes and also didn’t tell him until 2 months into dating. I don’t know what to do - I thought this guy was my penguin, help!
FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS WITH A COLLEAGUE
Should I enter a short term friends with benefits situation with a colleague that’s leaving at the end of the year even though I’m inexperienced and not sure how I’ll emotionally handle it? I think it could be a great idea for my overall satisfaction and self confidence, but I don't want to get rejected, or catch feelings and then get really sad when I’m rejected and/or he moves away. Is it worth the risk for good sex?
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Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never seated. We pay our respects to their elders past and present, Always was, always will be Aboriginal Land. This episode was recorded on Cameragle Land.
Hi, guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut.
I'm Laura, I'm Brittany, and I am located currently in Romania. How is Romania, Brittany, I'm not there yet, So for context, this was recorded just before we took off for our little one week getaway break. But we hate leaving you hanging, so we did want to pre record some things for you.
We did, and also I did try and convince Bread that she should take her recording equipment to Romania, to.
Which I said, which told.
She to not me, to go fuck myself, which is absolutely fair, and I did.
It's like I'm going to finish this sentence right here. No is a full sentence.
We will do a pre rap free goods.
But to be fair, I know, obviously, guys, we talk about we talk about relationships lots on this podcast. But something that I hadn't been aware of until you spoke about it on Tuesday, But you were talking about how you have been at a point at this like this break of long distance, where it's been particularly hard.
Well, most of you know that you've been here for a while. You know that Ben, my fian Ben has lived over in the UK for a long time. If you are new here, I am in a long distance relationship. My partner does say yeah, welcome, subscribe for We do get a lot of new listeners though, and I think sometimes we also forget that they're popping in and we expect everybody to.
Know where we're at. But long distance has been great.
Like you guys know that if I had the option, I wouldn't be doing long distance. It's not like I only want a long distance relationship, but I am somebody that can make the most of it, and I understand why.
I can see the benefits and I can try and aim for the future.
But occasionally, and now he's one of those times it's hard to.
Aim for the future when you're like really in the depths of shit in the distance relationships.
And what I mean by that is this six months, so this back end of the year, from when we got engaged a couple of months ago in June until Christmas, this year, I am spending five nights with Ben in six months, that is it five nights, And I'm like beside myself every time I think about it because I'm really struggling with it. So when I was going there, I was like, I just want to be with him for five nights, and I'm going to be exhausted and jet lagged, and I'm so I'm really having a hard time with long distance long distance.
I think he is great. I think you can do it. I think everyone can do it. I'm an advocate for it if it has to happen.
But this is like extreme long distance, Like we've never gone six months with only five nights. Then on top of that, Ben stays up till one thirty in the morning just to say good morning to me when I wake up because the time difference is so bad. So we're not even conversing, do you know, It's like you're not even having those We speak like once a day if we can, and even then one of us is exhausted and one of us has woken up.
Yeah.
So I think also you would have gotten used to your previous schedule, you know, like you kind of got into the swing of things when you knew what the time zones were where he was living before, and you got used to that, and now the parameters have changed as well. I can only imagine that there's only so many times you can say miss you until it sounds very like yeah, yeah, say miss you too, you know.
And it's like I said to you girls, I use the term you know. I said it's not working. And when I say it's not working, I don't mean the relationship. Of course, we're going to get through that, but the long distance isn't working. That doesn't mean the relationships over. It just means sometimes long distance works well, like a well oiled machine, and sometimes it fucking doesn't. Right now, it doesn't. And what happens when you spend so much time apart and anyone listening now will know exactly what I'm talking about. You go from really lovey dovey, emotional and in love to quite angry and frustrated at each other for no reason, because like, what's the fucking point of like I'll just talk to you tomorrow, there's no point you're tired to go to bed, I've got to do this. It's like you get angry over nothing. And I have noticed that over the last two years.
Right at the end, when we're.
At the long part, like just before we see each other, we realize we're at you need to see each We're at like the end of our teathers a bit with Okay, this needs to happen because we're just frustrated and you're not frustrated anything.
No one's doing anything. And Ben is such an amazing partner.
He always talked me off the ledge, like every time I work myself up and get really upset, which is a lot lately, way more than I would care to admit or I want, it's really tough. And I know on Instagram and stuff, it looks like we spend a lot of time together. I mean someone we laughed about it a little while ago. Someone laughed and said, it's just bitch always on holiday because I did.
And I was like, fuck you.
I was like, if I can be yes, yeah, but I was like, and I'm aware it sometimes looks like that because I'll always post photos from four months ago on a holiday, like so I look at him and I miss him, and I'm like, I'm just gonna put this up whatever. But yeah, so this is being recorded, like I fly in a couple of hours, so we left it right up into the last minute. But it's because time is a very precious commodity this week, and I didn't think you wanted me to record tuning while I was fornicating this.
I want to hear you to be yes, I wanted you to be mid coitus. That's exclusive subscriber content for you.
Talk about giving away prizes if you subscribe.
Do you know how many times we have these conversations and I glance over to our video editor, John O and he doesn't even look up, but his face is always like, I'm just going to tune outs.
We don't have Patreon yet, but maybe that will be the first subscriber episode. Join click now, swipe up up. Can you pay me to not have to edit?
No, it's uncut, it's raw and it's not edited.
So yeah, it's it's been really tough, but I'm very excited, like you listening to this, guys, hopefully I'm there and I'm posting it. I'm having a great time, but I'm very ready to see him, Like I feel like we've pushed it to the extreme from you know, seeing each other, and I'm so beyond ready. The fact that every time I think of him, my cry, which is ridiculous. But let me tell you something funny.
I did.
This is actually this will make you laugh. And I was so embarrassed. I was so mortified. I got a DM from a listener. She is this amazing musician, very talented, Like I follow her because she's so brilliant. She messaged me and she's like, hey, Britt, Like I just wanted to say congrats on your engagement, Like it was the loveliest message. I have been a life a listener for years, Like I've listened to all the episodes. If you ever want to talk music or anything for your wedding, you know I'm around.
Like her name is Sydney.
So what she does is takes two songs that you might love and she mashes them together but makes them acoustic and suitable for.
A wedding, Like you have to go. We can put her.
You've showed me her account. She does like melodies, so she'll get brilliant. And the thing about pop songs is that they're often written in the same time signature, and you're able to transpose them into the same chord. You can kind of put one on top of the other. Quite easily and quite seamlessly. She does it to a level that is so you're just like, oh my gosh, this is every song in the pop charts, and you've made it into the one song and she'll just sing a bridge from one and a chorus from another, and yeah.
It's like yeah, yeah, but not just a mash up. Any song that she doesn't even have to mash them right. Any song that you might love but it could be a pop song but you love the lyrics. She just makes it her own and sings this soft, beautiful acoustic version that is suitable because not every song you gotta rock down the aisle.
Too, right, but she makes it likely. Anyway, this is not the point.
Walking down the ar to My Pussy and My crack crack. Yeah, but that's what she does. Anyway, That was irrelevant. Can we request that she makes a melody of My Pussy and My Crack. I can ask me to sing it on the podcast, please, Sidney, if you're listening, please sing My Pussy and My Crack for us.
But my point of this is she wrote me this beautiful message, and I am just always such a hurricane. So I wrote back to her really quickly, because I was busy and put my phone down.
What I responded to her?
So she'd written this beautiful message, and she said she's a longtime listener. And I wrote back, Oh, you're a loser. Exclamation mark.
That's what I wrote. I wrote, you're a loser because you meant to send it to someone else.
No, because it was supposed to say, oh, you're a lifer.
Order I was supposed to say you're a lifer, which is why it had exclamation marks.
Oh you're a lifer.
I reaan Oh you're a loser, exclamation mark, exclamation mark. Anyway, then I Sidney were so sorry bury me. You know what? She wrote back, tell me what you really think. But before she wrote that, I was in huge capital letters. I was beside myself. I was like, oh my god, I'm so sorry.
Lifer.
I meant you're a life by life, a lifer like I love you. You are not a loser.
She goes, tell me what you really think. I nearly died.
That is so funny. Imagine imagine if you hadn't noticed that's it's got.
A review through Brittany's a bit.
I just could not believe it. I was like, man, like you gotta focus more. You can't be going around throwing loser around.
I feel like I also shoot from the hit with messages quite a bit.
You're like, she was wonderful and I think she still will be composing some music for me my.
Grand to hear it if you want to check her out, and also apologize for Brittany's no correct.
I haven't even booked her in or anything.
But what I will say is she does do weddings where she will rock up and personally sing like she will be your entertainment or if it's like a destination wedding, all she can't make it, she pay for her to do the song that you want, and she also she almost curates it. I'm just so excited by this. Is she coming to BALI is that? Is that? What?
Sponsored?
It's not?
No, I just think she's I just looked at her. She could be my vibe this week. But I just looked at her page and I'm like, you're so talented, and I just love the work.
I haven't booked it. I'm not doing anything yet.
You're really doing a good job of digging up from the loser comment. You're like, and she's she's the best we are a winner.
You're a winner in my eyes.
Fark Let's move on, Okay.
I have a question for you guys before we get into ask gun cuts. And I think it kind of pertains to an ask gun cut in some ways. Do you think and it's a tricky one to explain this question without like just try throwing the person completely under the bus.
Do you think it is okay?
Or there is a limit slash time frame to how long you can be in a relationship without knowing for sure that that person is the one. And I say this because it came off the back of a conversation I had with a friend recently. They've been a relationship for almost eight years, and they said, I'm not really sure if they're the one talking about their partner talking about whether or not they would want to get engaged to and do all the big life things that their partner also wants in life.
It's not like they're both just cruising.
Their partner is hoping that one day they will have the you know, the white picke at fence and the house and the potentially family with this person. What are your views on not being sure when you're in a long term relationship whether the person that you're with is the one and if you feel like that, how long is it okay to feel like that before you take action.
Is the person that is unsure a male or female? A male okay checks out. Women usually know what they want for me. I think if you are eight years deep and you're at this age group, like there's a difference between eight years from eighteen, like coming out of school, or a difference between eighteen and you're in your mid to late twenties to thirties and onwards.
If you don't know what you want.
With that person after eight years, chances are they're probably not right, And I think you're wasting somebody's time. I don't think that's fair. Do they know that you are unsure? Because that's the other question too. It's like, have you had that conversation with them where you're like, look, I don't I don't know what I want? Or are you internalizing that? And this poor person does think that you are. You know, she's waiting for the engagement and she's waiting for the baby. Because they're two very different things.
I mean, yeah, absolutely, I do think they are two to different things. But I don't necessarily think it's the wrong relationship. I think that there are people out there it's the person. It doesn't matter what relationship they're in, They're always going to have this casual lais a fair kind of attitude towards it, because they themselves don't know whether they as a guy, they've got like a bit of Peter Pan syndrome. They don't know whether they want to have kids, they don't know whether they want to get married. They don't really know whether they want to have these big things. But they're quite happy to be in a committed monogamous relationship, which would indicate that they are after those things. That would, you know, allude to that the time is coming.
But I think it's not.
Yeah, I think that's okay.
If you can't be sure about if you want kids or not, or you want to get married or not, but you are so sure about that person and they know that. I think that's different. You know, we spoke about me being in that pendulum of kids and not kids. There are plenty of people that are unsure about their big life decisions. But the constant there is your partner, Like you need.
To know if that part nor is right for you, if your partner.
Female partner really wants kids and she doesn't know how undecisive you are. That's a conversation you need to have because it could be a deal breaker for her. You don't want to take that away from her that moment, and that's a huge It's not a moment, it's like the rest of your entire life.
I have so many complex feelings about this, to be honest, because on one hand, I and maybe it comes from my own personal experience a little bit, because when I was in my early twenties, my six year relationship I will never forget when he one day was like, I just don't know whether you're the person I want to marry or not.
And I was like, sorry, what.
We've been together for six fucking years. You still don't know You're not sure? And it was really, really hurtful. I thought it was so mean, And now that I'm older, I do have an appreciation because by him giving me that information, he was also giving me the opportunity to make a decision for myself.
I was just too.
Young, too naive, too blindly and love to realize well that but it was the truth, and the truth doesn't always make you feel good. And so it did give me the information that I should have done something with, although I stuck my head in the sand.
I think this a lot of it comes down to the communication of the desires, you know, like and I think far too often we hear of this scenario where person A doesn't communicate the fact that they're not sure about, you know, because it works in their favor. It's almost quite manipulative because they're getting everything they want out of the situation. And I think it adds a particular layer of cruelty when you add in a potential biological clock, Like you said, I think if the person's communicated it and they're like, hey, I don't know if this is what I want. I don't know if this is you know, the future of us, and that other person, person B, chooses to stay in the relationship, well, that's kind of a bit like a you're aware of the scenario, you're aware of the factors, and you're choosing to opt into it. But I think far too often the person who feels that way, the person who feels unsure, isn't communicating that, and he is leading the other person down the garden path. And that's why you hear so many stories of people just being like, I am so blindsided by this decision because the other person's been thinking about it for months, if not years, and you've had absolutely no idea that this is going on in their head, and now you're.
Like, what the fuck?
I had this trajectory of where I thought my life was going to go. Now all of a sudden, it's completely different and I'm in a different phase of life.
I agree with you. I think that is a particularly cruel scenario. And it's so funny because over the years, and like I said, I would have prior if we'd gotten that askun cut, say five years ago, where someone was like, hey, i've been in a relationship for seven years and my partner has told me that they don't think I'm necessarily the person that they want to spend the rest of their life with. I would have had the response of like, well, fuck your partner, Like, how dare they kind of get to that point and only just tell you now.
I do think seven years is a long time.
If you've been thinking that that whole time, you should have had the conversation sooner. But in the same instance, there is something about the honesty that I do appreciate now and I go, okay, well, at least they're giving you the opportunity to make a decision for yourself. It's exactly the scenario that you've described, Kesh, where that person is unaware and then one day might get broken up with and had no idea that they will never ever endgame in the first place. And it's like it's the stopping and the prohibiting of that person to be able to seek out a relationship with someone who wants the same things as them that I think is particularly manipulative.
Yeah, I think it changes if how long you've had these uncertain thoughts for so if I mean, everyone goes through these ups and downs in a relationship, right, if it's just hit you after eight years and you're like, we do I think this is the right person?
Like that's okay, where that's okay?
And I don't think you need to go and discuss that immediately. I think you need to get your own collective thoughts together. But if your eight years deep and you have always thought I don't know if they're the one, and I don't know if this is the right relationship, then it is cruel to not have that conversation. Time is such an important commodity that you cannot get back, especially for women with that fertility window.
So what is the time frame. Let's say one of our friends came to us. We were catching up with them today and they came and they said, you know, I'm just not sure.
I'm not sure the.
Person I'm with is the one or like you know, in game, long term, etc. What do we say to that person? Do we say how long have you been feeling this way? And if that's the question, what is the time berrier that you think is reasonable to go or you need to leave or is this just a lull in your relationship and things will come back and you'll realign again.
I think it is so so hard to give a time frame because everyone says, you know, every single person, scenario and situation is slightly different. It depends on how much your partner wants xyz. So if the person that you're in a relationship with you is communicating that they want to get married, they want to have kids, they have a mental timeline, and your mental timeline is absolutely not adding up to theirs, then I think you're on different pages, and like there needs to be a conversation that is very honest around where you're both at. Sometimes it takes months to even get the courage to break up with someone. It took me a year to break up with one of my exes because I felt like it for so long, but I couldn't do the breaking up because it was so scary because I didn't want to hurt their feelings.
I think, I mean, how long is a piece of string? Right, So there's for me, there's not nanswer.
But my response to a friend that came to me like that was, well, you need to work that out. So however you are going to work it out, you need to get there so you can go spend some time thinking about what you really want, and if that person fits in, it also gets easier. I believe the older you get, because you don't have the time and you've got more experience, you know what you want, you're usually a bit more certain. So And I say that that's interesting though, because if like we're talking about the fact that this is quite related to the age that we're at, right, Yes, well, I say that in relation because Laura said this person in particular was the male females generally speaking, no more what they want, and they're aware that there is a time crunch. So I think females are more likely to say, Okay, you don't think that I am it, and you don't think you want kids, and I really want kids.
Then you know, I've had friends.
That have literally and I don't necessarily think this is the right thing. But I've had friends that have put a timeframe on it and said, you've got three months or I'm out because I need to get on with my life.
So get your shit together and work it out.
Is it me, is it marriages at kids or is it not? Because I don't want to waste the next four years of you figuring it out. Then you decide it's not me, and then I'm I've missed my window.
That's an interesting take for me, though, Britt, because I don't think it's age dependent. I think maybe for some people, maybe some people have more clarity, they learn the lessons. A lot of us don't learn the lessons, and I think there's a lot of people who are in their fifties and sixties who still make terrible relationship decisions, who stay in relationships way longer because they hope that the person will change, or they you know, think, well, if I stick it out, if I try this or try that, maybe the relationship will be different. I don't think that age is always a predeterminer for good decision making or good boundary setting in a relationship.
But I just actually imagined if this was my mum, to completely change the dynamic. If my mum called me today and was like, oh, my partners.
You know, they've been together for years.
He's turned around and said that he doesn't think we're going to be together forever. I think my response would be kind of different. I think I'd be like, okay, seems a bit strange. How do you feel about it? Like, are you happy with where your life is at now? Do you want to continue living together or do you want to break up?
Like?
I think my answer would be different because they don't have the pressures of getting married and having kids by a certain time exactly. I think we've just landed maybe on the answer. And I think the ethical conundrum is actually whether you are robbing the other person of experiences or that they want.
I think that is the factor. You know, Like this.
Person who has been in a relationship for eight years, My next question is now is he robbing his partner of the experiences that she wants. By the sounds of it, yes, could be the answer. Well, then he needs to do something about it. I think it's potentially cruel what he's doing to her.
Well, that's get into vibes and unsubscribed.
We've already had Brits of the Week and hopefully I have another one, but I'll save it. Yes, it's well, I should tell you what her full instagram is. Then, now that we're that, I'm going down the vibe train.
We will also link in show notes.
So her instagram is your girl Sydney spelled like the city no s I d n e y.
And she's a musician, singer, songwriter. She's amazing. So go and have a look at an insta and you'll understand more about what I mean.
Okay, what's your vibe? Gish?
My vibe is something that I already know that you're a big fan of Laura.
That is my clip in fringe.
Have we not vibe? This is your two pay.
It's not a two pay.
You might have seen on Laura's stories if you followed her a couple of weeks ago. Laura and I had a hilarious car trip home. A fringe is something that I'm really toying with, and I let's just cut it. That's what the old me would have done, But the medicated me was like, let's test the waters first with aw I went into the depths of the internet because I had previously ordered clip in bangs, too much, to too many bang, too much hair, too much bang for your buck.
One might say, yeah, it was bang town.
Anyway, I eventually found exactly what I was after. It is called the Medusa wispy light human hair fringe.
Stop much clipping in? Oh my god?
Is that the Meduca meduces the brand? So it turns out that they're from Byron Bait. This particular one I really like because it's light. I love the flexibility of choosing when I'm fringing and when I'm not, because fringes are a lot of maintenance.
Don't you feel like a fraud though, Like it's a fringe fraud.
I feel like I get tensions.
I feel like I get to like play up to who I want to be that day.
Extensions feel less fraudy because they're permanently there. But when you're like I have a fringe, nouata I have a fringe nouata.
It's like such a tease.
Even people like life As are writing it and they're like, well, the fuck he she's got a fringe.
Now it's gone again.
One of my best friends messaged me when she saw a video that we posted online. I must have been wearing my fringe that day.
And she saw me the day before and she's like, did you did you get a haircut.
Since I saw you last night?
I'm so confused on what's going on?
Is that?
No, baby, it's clip in. What happens if you pick up a doo and you're like, hold on, let me take your fringe? My fringe out?
Well, she lives with her partner.
So I don't think she's picking up a do There's people who listen to us who are going to be single, Like, imagine, imagine taking out your chicken filets, taking your fringe off.
I have had hair extensions that I've had to hide when I've been having like a hook up. They've fallen out in the bed and I'm like, well, so I stuck in one of the bed like I am about your clipping fringe. I think if you committed to a fringe, you'd regret it, not because of the way it looked, because of the maintenance and how limited you are. But a clip in you can be whoever you want to be that day.
I love it, so I am color number six one three. However, I will say I toned and died this fringe to make it actually match my house so initially, and I had to trim it a little bit.
So there is a little bit of you've got.
To make it work for you involved, whether that means you take it to a hairdresser or if you're okay to do it yourself.
It's thirty five bucks.
It's a really good price to pay for ensuring that you don't make a decision that you can't take back.
My vibe this week is for the money conscious Gally or Guiley everyone.
Yea, it's for everyone.
It is called eat Club. It is an app download it. I think it's particularly good in metro areas. But basically it's an aggregator of many different restaurants and it shows you all the different deals that they have going and so some of them have limited number of deals. It could be a restaurant that you might like will be like, okay, we've got five discount vouchers for thirty percent off if you're going to get takeaway before this time. So if you are someone who likes to eat out or you like to explore new restaurants, but you are money conscious, I think that this is such a good app because yeah, it's great for people who enjoy discount HI even app.
All the time. I love that you're vibing this because I've been sleeping on it, hiding it so I get.
The five deals that they've got available. Stop telling people, because then they'll be less deals available.
It's so good they can get up to like forty five percent off. It actually gets to the point where sometimes I will check the app and talk with my boyfriend about whether it's better to just order take away than it would be to go down to the grocery store and get food. Links for all of our vibes will be in the show notes and on our website. If you've forgotten life on cutpodcast dot com, dot a yun doesn't have.
A dota y it does.
Let's get into the questions, Okay, Question number one. I'm twenty one and my male partner is twenty three. We have been together for three years now, since we have been together, he has only gone down on me probably three times, for a total of twenty seconds total collections, so just under seven seconds per down.
That's not it can't be a total of twenty seconds. That's like not even a kiss. Up it comes now.
Let me read it verbatim.
It's like his olf one total for twenty seconds he just did. That's like, yeah, he licked it like an ice cream, came back up. It's literally just shy of seven seconds a session.
Fuck.
Imagine someone only going down on you for seven seconds then popp me back up.
She doesn't need to imagine it. It's her life that sucks.
I have brought this up with him a few times, and that's why he doesn't do it. He just replies with I don't like it, sorry, which is totally fine. But when we do have sex, I never get anything out of it, as he never even tries to pleasure me. We have tried sex toys, but I think he gets awkward about it and then it never happens again. I talk to my friends about it, but they all say the same thing, the relationship is not right for me, and then they proceed to tell me how good they have it's superfl so dirty, your friends such a dirty Sometimes I wonder what I'm missing out on. Every other part of our relationship is amazing, because he is an amazing human who I miss so much. My question is am I actually missing out? And what the hell do I do about this? This seven second wonder?
Yes you are missing out, but yes it is not everything. If your partner is amazing in every other way and in every other aspect, then I don't think it is a fair assumption to say that he is not the right partner for you.
I think that that is incredibly harsh.
It's lazy advice from your friends.
Yeah, it really is. But I also think it's lazy from him.
I think he's getting what he needs out of his sexual relationships, and he's you know you guys, but you're not satisfied. And and I do think that in time that will build a resentment there that needs to be addressed. It's okay that he doesn't like going down on you. I mean it's annoying and very much so. We preach the whole you know, you don't do anything that you don't want to do. But if that extends to he doesn't want to pleasure you. So it's very easy for him to say, oh, I'm just not into going down on you. Is he into doing any other of the things that around Laura.
When you're talking, I'm into fingering you like a shotgun? I can't look at it. I'm like, stop, stop talking about fingering and doing the science.
Is he in two finger are you said with two fingers waving around in the air. But I mean it, it's okay for him to get off with one part of pleasuring in sex that he doesn't enjoy.
That's okay. I'm not gonna hold that against him.
It's annoying because if that's how you get off and if that's what you enjoy, then it is unfortunate. But I'm not gonna say, oh my god, it's you know, it's a travesty that he doesn't want to go down on you like fucking riot and burn him at the stake. What I am gonna say, though, is that if he is not making any other conscious effort, then I actually don't think it's the going down on that he doesn't like.
I think he's just a bit fucking lazy in the bedroom.
And that is a bigger conversation that needs to be had. And I also think, unfortunately it is a tricky conversation to have because he may get defensive, he may feel as though he's a failure, whatever it is. But I think that there is a way that you can approach this conversation that is sensitive to him without being a cusatree, which explains that you want more, and hopefully it's received well by him.
Yeah, you don't need to dump his ass, absolutely not. But there is a big problem here. This is a big problem if you are not being satisfied in any capacity in your sex life.
Just lazy.
Well, it might not be lazy. She said.
He's awkward. He might be a very awkward person. He might have no confidence, he might not know what to do. You guys are in your very early twenties. You've been together three years, so he, I'm making an assumption, might not have had a lot of experience before that. So these are conversations that you need to have together because I mean, I'm just thinking back about since I was eighteen to now. You learn so much by being with different people. And I'm not saying you have to be but you can have an amazing you could be with one person since you were eighteen and have an amazing sex life. But that's because you're communicating. You know what works. But you also learn a lot from being with different people. And now I'm not saying that you need to go with other people, but what I am saying is he might have had the exposure and the experience and maybe you haven't quite communicated enough. But there should be no part of your relationship where you are having sex or having intimacy and he leaves satisfied and you live with nothing, Like in no world should that be okay? He doesn't have to go down on you if he doesn't like it, that's okay. You can't make someone do something they don't want to do.
Yeah, but also like why, like what is the well.
He doesn't need a reason. I don't think that if you do not like doing something sexually, you don't have to do it. But you need to compensate in other ways, Like he needs to be understanding that you are not orgasmine and getting off and enjoying sex. Maybe if he knew that, he'd probably be mortified if he knew that you were, You're not coming. I can't imagine a world in where any guy is okay with that with their long term partner, Like, he's probably going to be shocked, but there are so many other things that you can do that will work for you or that you can try. And unfortunately, if he's an awkward person, he's still going to have to try so things like, you've been together three years, so you need to be figuring out what works. You cannot continue this relationship by having completely unsatisfactory sex.
But also like you're saying you've tried sex toys, but he got awkward about it and then never, like he needs to get over the awkwardness. Yeah, and the only way that he's going to get over the awkwardness is by trying things. You know, it is difficult because when you have a conversation about something that feels vulnerable, which sex often is a vulnerable conversation to have, you only build confidence to have more of those conversations based on your partner's reaction. If your partner's reaction is defensiveness, is that they're uncomfortable, it makes it harder to broach the conversation again, right, Like, it's not an easy thing to do if you're not the reception from that conversation is not one that's positive well or enthusiastic. And obviously when it comes to having sex and having someone pleasure you and all the things that go with that, you want them to be enthusiastic about it.
You don't want to.
Have to be like so just letting you know this is where I'm at, and you know you saying that you don't want to do this, or you don't want to do that, or you're not putting in enough effort doesn't really set the flames for igniting like a deep passion or desire in your partner.
The hard thing is, too, is dependent on what type of conversations you've had in the past. Does he know you don't ever get off or do you fake it to get it over with?
Does he think that sometimes things work you and sometimes it doesn't.
Because if you've never had that convo, it's really delicate to have it now and say, hey, just so you know it's it's actually never worked for me, Like that is a big thing to drop, So you have to be really careful about how you bring that up.
It's funny because I say ask why, and you say it doesn't matter why. I actually think it's a conversation if someone says I don't like something in the bedroom. I do think it's okay to say, oh, why don't you like that? Like, what is it about it that you don't like? Because he might be like, I don't know, I don't like it when you've had your gym shorts on all day and you've just been to the gym and then we're about to have sex and you want me to go down on you.
Fucking fair oho.
But you can then say okay, I'm going to go and have a shower and then would you try? Like I actually think the why is really really important and I think it's fair to ask that question.
I agree, But it's been three years, She's not in a gym shorts all day. If he has said in three years he's gone down on a twenty seconds, it's not his vibe.
It's just not the guy's vibe.
I agree.
But I do still think there could be a conversation around why, and it may be more telling than what you are assuming. I also know someone who used to say that they hated giving head right a girlfriend of mine she hated blowjobs. We were in our early twenties. She always said she hated giving blowjobs. Then she got into a new relationship with someone and was like, oh my god, it's actually not that bad a shower. No, it wasn't that. It was that her ex boyfriend was really fucking rough with it, and like he used to ram his penis down her throat, and of course she didn't like it, and then that was the only way that he would get to climax. And without knowing that that's how he was approaching oral sex, it was like, oh, that makes sense. And then she had a new sexual experience with someone who it wasn't that much effort, they really enjoyed it, and they didn't treat oral sex like it was a porno. So there is absolutely reasons why people don't like things, and it can often be based on their past experiences with it totally.
But what I'm trying to get across is that at the end of the day, if he says he doesn't like it and you say why, the answer very well could be I just don't like it, and that's also okay. My point is that doesn't have to be a specific reason. There's plenty of sex things that people don't like. So I'm just trying to say, is at the end of the day when it comes to things around sex. Of course, it's important to understand it the end of the day when it comes to sex. If someone doesn't like something, you can't make them do it. Sex one hundred percent, can, should, and will be worked on your entire relationship because it's not always going to be the same from start to finish. It's going to change when you have kids, it's going to change when you've been together for twenty years. It's always something that you have to work towards and communicate on. And you were in your early twenties, in your early days of a relationships. So the communication has to start now because that conversation in ten years of I've never come since I've met you is going to be a lot harder to have when you're a decade Dean.
All right, next question.
I've been dating my boyfriend for about seven to eight months. He asked me to help him with some work medical claims. He sent over a pack of documents for me to read to help him write a letter. Now reading the documents, it said that he has herpes. Now, what I'm getting from this is that obviously he'd had some medical tests done that he needed to like obviously have like a health check, didn't see all the results, and he didn't realize that this was in the bylines for context. When we first started dating, I made sure that we both had had sexual health checks. He was pushing to have sex without a condom at the time, something that I had never done before and didn't feel comfortable doing without an STI check prior. The test came back with no issues flagged, so we started having unprotected sex. Seven months later I read this document. He says initially to me that oh, he just forgot to tell me, then ended up telling me that he intentionally lied to me because he thought I would break up with him if I knew. Additional context to this is that his previous ex girlfriend gave him the herpes and also didn't tell him until two months into their dating.
I don't know what to do. I thought that this guy was my penguin. Help.
It's pretty big betrayal.
It's a really complex one this because.
Is it he lied to a face for It's a big thing like an STI can really damage, especially if you don't know, can damage a woman. That is a conscious choice to lie to your partner about something that could seriously affect her long term for me? Complex what because he can't deal with the fact that he has an STI complex for him? Ye, it's complex purely because they're at a point where she, I'm assuming loves him and she's been with him long term, so it makes it harder. But that's a pretty big betrayal, and I would be wondering if I would want to spend my life with somebody that could make a decision that, as a result, affects me long term.
I say that it's complex because, firstly, if you are someone who has been recently diagnosed with herpes, please go and listen to the episode we did. It was quite a while ago now, but we had a really amazing episode speaking all around STIs. Well link it in the Well link it in the show notes all around destigmatizing STIs. Also someone who we had on the podcast, Ellie from Comfortable in My Skin, has really amazing resources around destigmatizing herpes and other STIs. I think that there is a lot of scare mongering around things like herpes. There's a lot of scare mongering around genital warts and everything else. There is this incredible fear around getting it, like it's going to be the worst thing that happens in the world. And so I understand why he was fearful to tell you. I do empathize with that to some degree. I do not empathize with him trying to con you into having unprotected sex with him when he knew that this was something that he deals with without the honesty. That, to me is where the deceit comes in. That, to me is where I'm like, he went another layer beyond. Also, when you say he got tested and your STI checks or came back fine, my question here is is did he show you those checks? Did he actually show you the documentation or did he tell you that it came back fine, because that could be another layer of lying and deception. I also know that when it comes to herpes, if you don't have any active outbreaks, I think it can be a tricky one as to how it shows up on medical reporting because so many people carry the Herpes simplex virus. But he's told you that he intentionally lied to you because he thought that you were going to break up with him, even though now you're seven months deep in this relationship, and even though you love him, and just because he has herpes doesn't mean that you're ever going to catch it. You can have a healthy and fulfilling relationship with someone and never ever ever get that or never ever catch it from them. But the thing for me, I would struggle with, and what I think you're struggling with, is the fact that it's changed your perception as to who he is a bit simply because of the lying, not because of the herpes. And he didn't give you the opportunity to make an informed choice or decision for your own body. He made that decision for you and lied to you.
It gives me the ick. I'm so off it. I think it's disgusting.
I think it's disgusting behavior, especially the fact that he said, yeah, I actually knew and made the decision consciously to not tell you because I was too worried about what would happen to me, which is you breaking up with me. It sucks that you have it, And again, we have done the episodes on it, and I can't I can't imagine the feelings of what that's like to have those conversations. I understand that, unfortunately, a responsibility does come with that when you have it, and that is to make people aware the fact that the whole reason that he got herpes in the first place was because somebody misled him. His ex didn't tell him that's why he's got it, and now he knows what that's like, yet he's still putting that onto you.
I've just had a look at the laws and their different base on state. So this one is New South Wales because that's where I'm googling from. Since twenty seventeen, people are no longer.
Required to disclose their.
Infection to perspective partners. However, people who are aware that they have an SDI must take reasonable precautions to prevent spread of the STI, and a penalty of up to eleven thousand dollars and or six months jail applies if reasonable precautions are not used.
So I think in this there's two ways, because I do think it is unreasonable for somebody who has herpy simplex virus that is completely under control to have that conversation with every single one nightstand that they're ever going to have.
I don't think, and that's why that law has been changed.
Yeah, we're a condom.
It's yes, It's absolutely unreasonable to think that every single intimate partner that that guy ever comes in contact with. He's going to say, hey, I know we just met, but also, you know, three years ago I had an outbreak my ex girlfriend and then I you know, I haven't had an outbreak since.
Like, that's just that's not going to happen.
But if you are going to get into a long term relationship with someone and you are trying to get them to unprotected sex, and a caveat of that is that you go and have an STI check. That's where I draw issue with it. And I probably feel less fearful around this than a lot of people do. And I'll say I mean, I'll tell you the story. My ex, a guy that I was seeing for quite a long time. He had herpes. I have never caught it, so he was on an antiviral. He was super honest with me. I met him when we were traveling, and I absolutely adored him. He is a great, great guy, and he was so honest. He was like, look, I know that this is something that might make you not want to date me. He's like, but I really like you and I really want this to be something, even if it is just that we end up being great friends. This is me, I've never had an outbreak since I'm on antivirals. I think it is well managed. He's like, but it's always going to be a risk anyway, I took the risk. We dated for maybe three months. Never ever, ever, did I have an issue with it. So I know it is possible to have a sexual relationship with someone who is managing a herpes virus.
It is like loads of people doing that. It's not about that. And the keeping that you said, Laura was he was honest.
Aboutely and if he had not told me that, and then at the end of our relationship, like you know, three months in, had turned around and been like, haha, I fucking manipulated into being with me, having an emotional relationship a connection with me, and now I'm telling you this information, I would feel really differently about him, but I hold so much respect for him and how he managed that, and it didn't change my feelings for him at all.
I think it's interesting when you like, we've been addressing this as an ethical question, but the person who's written this in like, you also need to know, depending on what state you're in, it's possible that your partner has actually broken the law. Because he had, he may not have taken reasonable precautions. And I just I'm only saying that to validate the fact that this is like, this is a big betrayal, to the point that it's actually written into law. So don't feel as though you're like, oh my gosh, Amy making a big deal about this situation.
No, like it is a big deal, and.
It's also possible, and just throwing this out there, it's also possible he's cheated on you too, and that this is him saying, oh no, no, I did have it before then I just didn't tell you, Like we don't know. But the core of this question is the misleading, deliberately misleading. And I would hate for anyone to listen to this and think that we have any problem with herpes.
We do not.
And like we said, we have done so many episodes on it. You can have wonderful relationships with STIs. They're so well managed. My upset over this is purely around the deception. That is it, the intentional deception.
Yeah, And I think that that is, if anything, the very important take home, because there is enough hysteria that exists around STIs, there is enough fear mongering, and so much shame, Like it's unbelievable the amount of shame that people feel when they do catch an STI and it's like you've not done anything wrong except just got a bit unlucky. Yeah, no one feels shame when they catch the flu. No one feels shame when they catch anything else. So why is it that you feel so shameful for this? It doesn't mean you're dirty, it doesn't mean that you're promiscuous, it doesn't mean anything. And so I guess for me, I don't want to catastrophize the situation and feed into the narrative that it's something that he should have felt super shameful of. But I do think that he should feel something about the fact that he was trying to manipulate you into having sex without protection when you very clearly communicated that that's something that's important to you. That's the determining factor here for me. And ultimately, I'm not saying that you should break up with him. I'm not saying, you know, you've been together for eight months now. I'm sure there's other great qualities about this person. But if it does change the way you feel about him in some way, if it gives you the ick because of his lying. If it makes you feel as though he's not truthful.
Then that's a whole different thing.
You can't help the way that you feel about that, all right, Next question, Should I enter a short term friends with benefits situation with a colleague that's leaving at the end of the year. Even though I'm inexperienced and not sure how I'm going to emotionally handle it, I think it could be a great idea for my overall satisfaction and self confidence. But I don't want to get reject did or catch feelings and then get really sad when I am rejected and he moves away.
Is it worth the risk for good sex?
Firstly, you have no fucking idea whether the sex is going to be good unless you've had sex with him already.
Could be terrible, could be a terrible.
It could be terrible. It could be amazing amazing, could be the best sex you've ever had.
You could be more satisfied than you are when you have a mcflurry with everything in caramel sauce. It could blow your mind. But two things here. One probably shouldn't shit where you eat. I will eat where you shit, whichever way you want to do that totally shit. Yeah, I know that he's leaving and that's great, but you still have six or seven months that you're going to be working together every single day. It's probably more likely not going to work out than it would work out knowing that, so you've got to think about that. You are going to go with each other every day, you're going to be in the same environment. And the other thing is more times than not, and I hate saying this because it's not a blanket statement, but more times are not women.
It's also a chemical thing. It's science.
We do catch feelings like we do have an endorphin release. We do start to feel safe and connected when we're intimate with someone. On top of this, you're seeing him not only intimately, but you'd be seeing.
Him at work in the day as well.
So a lot of your day is going to be spent thinking about this person, seeing them and connecting with them. It's highly likely you're going to catch feelings, and you've been the first person to say I don't know if I'll catch them, probably going to catch them. Then you're going to be either heartbroken and disappointed when he leaves, or it's going to end worse earlier than that.
I agree with you.
The only thing is is, obviously this question has been written in because there's already something going on. You don't just don't don't just go Should I have friends with benefits of a relationship with this person that's never shown me any interest like you?
Obviously, No, I don't.
Reckon they're hooking up yet, but I think that they're flirting. Yeah, she knows she could.
There's definitely something going on here. I guess my big thing with any friends with if you know absolutely that he is not going to return that feeling, and you know there's an end date to this, it has a expiration date, you got to get really honest with yourself because if you know that, you're not sure how you're gonna emotionally handle it. I'm not saying don't do it, Like it could be really fucking fun and like especially if you're if you're in your twenties, these are the years to do some shit that really stretches your emotional capacity. But I would say, really put boundaries on what you are and aren't okay with around for yourself. You know, I don't mean sit down with him and put boundaries in place for him. I mean, this is where it's at. You mean, if you do have sex with him, don't stick around for like the day of hanging out afterwards, Like, don't go out for lunch and do the cutesy shit thing that would entail feeling like you're in a relationship with them, because he might want to do that stuff with you. Knowing full well that he's going away in six months time. Be really conscious that this is just sex, because you could very easily get carried away in this situation.
What I would do, because you would you, I know what you would do. You would fuck him.
You would have a six month relationship with him, and then you would continue dating him when he moved overseas.
That's what you would do, Brian.
Highly likely. Yes, if I was you right now, this is what i'd do. I'd bang him.
I'd hook up with him, go out, see how it is. Begging once, don't make it friends with benefits, banging once.
Then the next day test.
The water, be like, well, last night was pretty crazy, right, better not do that again.
Hey, And then Sue said, if he's keen to keep going, he's.
Going to let you know. If not, you've got it. Out of your system. Like he's a man, He's going to let you know if he wants to keep banging one hundred percent. You're not going to be left with any sort of confusion, or you might decide it's not for you as well. But if you don't, I think I'm a big like living the moment.
I really am. And I don't want to encourage this too much, but I want to.
Encourage it just a little bit.
You're going to probably lose sleep about it.
If you're thinking about hooking up with this guy so much that you're writing into us, then go and do it, but just enter it with cautious purity.
Is he's the forbidden fruit, right, He's that person, And you're like, oh, you're probably probably not particularly getting a lot of work done anyway because you're probably thinking about him regardless, or you have this flirty chemistry happening at work.
Great, it's amazing.
I just look, you know what as well, I'm going to say have some self preservation here. I'm going to say just go into it using your head, but also and your cervix. And yeah, definitely grip down hard with your cervix. But the other thing is and I'm gonna guess from this that you're younger because you've said, you know, you don't know how you're going to emotionally handle it because you've never been in this situation before.
That's an assumption. Maybe you aren't.
You just have never had a friends with benefits relationship yet. But I think that there are things that we kind of need to try in life and see how we're going to go. And I don't think that you can live your life avoidant on any type of situation, whether it be sexual, whether it be friends with benefits, for fear of getting committed or having some sort of, you know, emotional reaction that you aren't able to control. It's great that you're conscious of that, but don't limit your ability to have experiences or relationships in life because you're afraid of the feelings that you might have. But I think coming back to the big, big one, and that is that this is obviously within a workplace for you. Rather than focusing on whether you can emotionally handle it, I think you should really focus on how will or could this impact your work?
And is that something that you're okay with?
Is this like you work in a bar and you know it's kind of fine, and everyone hooks up with people that they work with. Are you a lawyer and do you work in an office space where a inter you know, workplace relationship could really fuck your ability to be taken seriously. I think that that is what I would be focusing more on, rather than can you emotionally handle the fact that he's going away in six months.
Only other thing I want to add is that you said you are scared of getting rejected.
I wish we could.
Reject him first.
Yeah, yeah, get the first, lure him in, and then shut him down.
Make him know that this is not going away.
Why are you in my bedroom?
I still here?
Why are you in me?
No, don't say that, get in out go No.
What I want to say is I'd love to try and take the fear away, especially in dating, but as a whole, the fear away of rejection. As humans, it's so ingrained in us that rejection is negative.
And I guess that's because it's obviously rejection made. You've gone for something and you haven't got what you wanted at the end of the day. But rejection doesn't have to be that bad. Like if you think there are a billion people in the world. There's way more than that.
But if there's a billion people in the world, not every single person that you have an interest in, or every job that you go for is going to be for you and going to be right for you, and you don't have to take that so personally, I think if you just take it more top line like shot, my shot didn't work out, move on, So don't be scared of it's for me. It's so much better to go after something that you want and get a know than it is to never go after what you want because it's still a no, but you'll never know.
Say no again another time.
I don't know?
Do you you don't know? Do you know?
That? Is it from us?
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