Hey lifers and welcome back to Ask Uncut where we answer your deep, dark and burning questions!
First question of the day is who is your 'hear me out' character (which fictional character are you attracted to)? Laura revealed her attraction to Barney the dinosaur by accident the other day and Britt is quite the fan of the ninja turtle Leonardo who would be in their 40s/50s now...
Keeshia has a question about tipping etiquette; how do you feel when the tip is automatically applied when it comes to pay and if you don't want to tip, you're expected to select to remove it?
Vibes for the week:
Laura: The Mailroom co
Britt: The Trial of Diddy
Keeshia: Christophe Robin Scalp Scrub
Then we answer your questions!
HE DOESN'T WANT ME TO USE OUR EMBRYOS
My ex husband left me & after 4 years of IVF. We have embryos in storage (we have one beautiful little IVF baby girl) who is my entire world. But I would love to make her a big sister one day too! He has so easily just said let’s donate the spare embryos. I am mortified by how easily he has suggested this and absolutely not interested in donating, I want them! They’re my babies. I walked through the toughest times of my life undergoing IVF and on my 8th transfer, I got my beautiful girl. I’m 33 and I don’t know if I should freeze my eggs and get a donor sperm .. or wait till I ‘might’ meet someone. PSA - I will continue to pay for storage for my embryo babies as I love them too! I also didn’t see our marriage being something that would end but he clearly fell out of love with me & left me 10 months postpartum.
CHRISTMAS WITH PARTNER’S FAMILY
I have been invited to spend Xmas with my partner's family interstate (we are mid 20s and dated for almost 6 years). My family has been disapproving/disappointed when I told them about not having Xmas at home and tried to guilt trip me out of accepting the invite. However, I really do want to go. How do I approach the topic again with them and is it wrong to spend one Xmas away from your family?
THE SEX ISN'T GOOD. HOW DO I NAVIGATE THIS?
I've been in a relationship with this guy for 6 months and everything is great. He is a wonderful guy and we share the same sense of humour. He could be my person, however there is one glaring problem. The sex is not good. He's a jack hammer kind of guy where he seems to only be interested in pleasing himself. I have done all of the things that you would normally recommend; we have had the conversations and I have tried to softly guide him to do the things in the way that I like it. The problem is that he does the things I like for about a week and then goes back to the jack hammering. How do I navigate this? How important is having great sex in a relationship?
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This episode was recorded on Cameragle Land. Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura, I'm Brittany, and this is ask gun Cut where we answer you're deep, you're dark, and you're burning questions and britt I have a question for you today. So you guys might have seen if you listen to Tuesday's episode. I don't know how we arrived there, but we were talking about people that were hot or things.
How we arrived.
They just told you I met my hall pass and you met him.
You're say, did he waved at me Keisha, He made eye conduct and then bloomy kiss and said, britt I'll call you later.
He was on the floor above us, waving to the entire crowd, and Brittany's like, it was me, he was making eye contact with you.
To be fair, he might have he did. He looked down and like this, what was his name again?
Jonathan Bailey? Don't ever forget.
Yes, sorry, Jonathan Bailey.
BRIT's hall pass and one of them, and somehow we got onto like unexpected hall passes. It wasn't even I don't even think it was a natural segue. It wasn't actually unexpected hall passes. We just started talking about Big Bird and then Barney came up.
Don't include us in this. I can tell you how the conversation went. I said, is it okay that my hall pass is gay Jonathan Bailey? And you said, fuck brute, your hall pass could be Barney for all I care.
That was how it wasn't.
It wasn't an organic segue. You just threw it in my face.
Well, we put it up on socials yesterday and some people got it. They also could see how Barney could be a vibe, strong jawline.
I get how inanimate or fake people like characters can be hot.
I get that, but Barney's not.
It could be hot.
You take Barney, then I'm taking Aladdin.
Thank you.
That was what I was going to ask because it kind of kicked off yesterday and a few people messaged me and were like, hey, this would be my character hall pass if I was going to go for a cartoon.
Aladdin is very very high up.
There, or you know who my other one would be? Who Hercules wouldn't be mad about it, bit dumb, but you wouldn't kick him out of bed? N a ninja turtle?
Nah?
Which one a Leonardo. Maybe you reckon Blue, he's ripped.
They're all they're fun, That's what I mean. They're fine.
Say the rat, you can have sense.
Coin vibe.
There are so there are some super.
Hot character John I just pointed out a really important flaw in this.
They're teenagers.
Oh oh, that got weird. Not even only weird because they're turtle. Because the title is teenage. Yeah yeah, alright, Bonnie Bla, they wouldn't be teenagers anymore. Actually, that's a good point.
Teenagers are still eighteen and nineteen, I think, which is of legal age.
This is true. This is true.
I had a couple of other ones. I just wanted to rattle off Tarzan hot.
D dumb.
But it's okay, he can't. It can't help that he's dumb. He hasn't been around people. He's been out there with the wolves. Also, the fox who plays Robin Hood. We've seen that one, that guy, the Fox.
No, okay, it's just weird to me that the animal angles weird, Like at least I went with Aladdin.
He was a human. You've got this real affinity to these animals. Well, they're very personified. It's been a trend on TikTok. It's called the hear me Out. The idea behind it is hear me out. But this character is hot, and people have been listing the people that they find attractive. My biggest problem is that, like a lot of the TikTok audience are jen z right, and so they're talking about movies or Disney shows and whatever that I have no idea who they're talking about, because there's that gap in the generations where I haven't seen a lot of the cartoons for the past, but I don't know decade.
Well, hence why you come to life on cart and we're doing a TikTok trend two weeks later. But also hear me out, I've got two more Eric the Prince from Little Mermaid Hot.
Would you would?
It's concerning to me how into this you are because I watched so many kids cartoons and get off on so many.
What like, what is the link? I'm so confused. This is true, It's true. I'm a faster, very good vibe. Yeah, back to the animal thing. Okay, that's it. That's a lot.
Back to the other thing.
You're welcome, guys, and you can all think about it yourselves.
Just take a little mental note, who's that animated character that you find hot?
I don't find it strange that you find the human like the personified versions of cartoons attractive. I do find it somewhat strange when they're very animalistic, like Barney really.
Threw me for six.
When you said big Bird, I was like bird like, I think more Kentucky Fried Chicken when I think about big Bird, rather than like, oh yeah, I could date big Bird.
I would like to be clear.
I didn't think big Bird was hot, just Martie, why did you throw him in.
There against Big Bird? I thought, did big Bird?
Do you? I thought it could be your hall past? And we've talked about this.
For too long now, so I didn't want to talk about.
It at all. To be honest, I'm like, why are we still here? I have a question for you guys, And I guess this is kind of like my own ask gun cut in some way. And it was basical of a situation that happened the other night when we went out for dinner, and it's a place that we've been to before. You know how, they often will print out the receipt that your bill right, and they'll bring it to your table and and a couple of minutes later someone will walk around with either an FBus machine or an iPad. This one was an iPad for me to pay, and as I went to pay for it, I noticed that it was roughly I'm trying to do the math in my head, it was about fifteen percent more than what the printed out bill had said. And in my head I was like, oh, maybe it must have like a service charge, you know, or is it a public holiday, you know. I didn't really understand why, And as I was tapping my phone onto the screen, I realized that they had automatically selected on their own iPad for me to tip. And if that's here, if I had wanted to not tip, I would have had to select a different button. So it had already kind of they had already assumed that I would be tipping, and they had put the amountain for me to just directly pay.
Good way to get the tips?
Though, do you think that's really unethical? I thought it was really sneaky, and it made me feel a little bit uncomfortable. To be honest, we do preach a lot about know your worth. Maybe they know they were maybe like I'm worth a temperside like this bitch was pain the ass to deal with it is awkward, Like I always feel awkward when they hand you the iPad and they're looking. Sometimes they'll look away and give you the respect of like you put your payment details in, you put your tip, and I won't do anything. Sometimes they stand over your shoulder and they watch as you're picking the tip. You're really uncomfortable when they're standing next to me because I feel as though it's this like implied if you don't do it, you're a really bad person. And sometimes like the price of going out for dinner right now is really expensive, and I don't want to come across as a real tied ass. And I have no problem tipping if I've had really nice service or if it's like a special event. This was like a chill dinner down the road from somewhere that we order from all the time. It was an exceptional service. It was absolutely fine. It was absolutely average, five out of ten, nothing to complain about. I got exactly what I expected out of that situation. I feel a little bit strange about the fact that in Australia, where we're not a tipping culture, it's becoming that you're not a very good person if you select no tip, And I felt really awkward about it being automatically assumed that that was what I was supposed to do.
No, it's not.
I don't think it's implied that you're a bad person.
But I would go against that and say, we are a tipping culture, but it's not expected. It's like you have to tip in the USA, you have to, you don't have to do it in Australia. But we are very largely tipping culture.
Still, do you just think yeah.
The difference is though, is that our salary is not based on a tipping salary. So the reason why it's more compulsory in the States is because their wages are subsidized to buy the tip income that they would make.
Yeah, they do.
They get four dollars fifteen hour and then they make their money on tip totally, which is absolutely not the case in Australia. And I think it depends on what the services that you're being provided, Like you're paying for exceptional service, did you get ten percent more from that service?
And also I think it's different if the restaurant. For example, some restaurants have a cheaper price for takeaway versus their price that they have for the items which you eat in store. And I think I know the restaurant that you're talking about, Keisha, and their prices on their items if you eat in store already slightly more expensive, so they've already marked up their tip in that. So then to put the tip on and expect that you're going to pay for a tip is a mandatory to eat there.
That to me just feels cheeky.
I thought it was a bit tcheeky too, And.
No one wants to feel like a tight ask to go back and be like no.
Tip for you, Yeah, while they're watching to well, this was not a fancy, this is not an event.
I think it depends on the restaurant.
I mean I do tip, I don't tip it like you know, if it's a fifty dollar meal and I'm talking like you know, take away that we decided to just eat there, there's hardly any service. You get your own water, like, I'm not tipping for that because there's been no service. But if it's a nice sit down meal where someone's actually come spent the time to bring my photo to me and brought me a napkin and all that sort of stuff, like absolutely I'll tip, but I think it depends on what the situation is. You're not tipping for the person who put an ice cream into your ice cream cone.
You're not tipping for the person who made your coffee.
So why are you tipping for something that feels like a takeaway but you just sat at a tableause.
Coffee in Australia's like ten dollars a coup I've also just realized the thing that confuses me the most. You know, the QR codes where you order yourself. I love a QR code because it means that you can have a scroll through, there's no pressure on you to make you know the time of which it's really easy to split the bills. But when you get to the end and they're like do you want to tip, I'm like, for what I ordered myself, I think it's more myself.
You should be tipping me.
Yeah, But the good thing with that is at least you pay for it as you go, so like no one's watching you say no tip to that. That's the problem. It's not about whether you should or shouldn't tip. The option is there. It's when the iPad is brought over and it's the expectation that they stand there for you.
To do it in their presence. That's the difference.
And I think, like, yeah, thank god for the QR code system.
All about that. Okay, So I guess what I'm saying is that my unsubscribed for the week is assumed tips on an FBOs machine when you haven't actually told the person that you want to tip themscribed.
What are your vibes of the week, assume tipping? Okay, well my vibe this week. Look, it's coming into Christmas at the moment. And before I say this, if you're a mom and a dad, or if you have little kids around you at the moment, please skip ahead right now, right now. I don't want to spoil Christmas for any children, and I will not be responsible for that. So, like I said, if there are children anywhere within your vicinity who might listen to this, run to the stop button and stop it.
Okay.
Do you reckon that there's many kids listening to Life on Cut? We do swear a lot.
We do.
But I think there could be a couple of mums who are like playing it while they're cleaning the house, or might have kids ambiently around them. Okay, so I feel like I've given you enough buffer and enough warning. Now my vibe for this week is a company called the mail Room Coat. Now it is a small business. What they specialize in is personalized letters from Santa Claus. I'm on the website now. They're fifty four dollars ninety nine, so fifty five dollars each. And what you can do is you can go on and you can personalize a message from Santa. But it is so much more special than that, because the packaging that these come in looks identical to what you would expect something that came from the North Pole to look like. They have the most incredible little stamps on them. They're all calligraphy, handwritten. They have like a little wax emblem on the back. And the thought and the care that has gone into creating these little customized and personalized letters from Santa are amazing. And when I got the one, which especially with the one that was written for Maley because she's starting school next year, it made me cry. It was so beautifully done and I cannot wait to give to the girls.
If you're a parent, like I.
Said, I think that it is such a beautiful idea and the fact that it has been created by a female led small business, like get behind it.
I didn't realize, and I'd be interested to know from other parents, but I didn't realize how young some kids were changing their mind I still, even though you've put the warning and I'm trying to still be a bit diplomatic here, how young kids were when they're changing their minds about their idea of Santa. I was listening to Vogan Joanne on my therapist Ghost to Me, and Vogue was saying something about her little boy and how he mentioned something the other day about how he doesn't believe anymore, and I think he's like five years old, and she was really shocked, and she talked about the way she handled it, and she's like, well, don't you ruin that for me because I still want my presence. Don't you say that out loud, like she was trying.
To lean in, and but I was really shocked at I was like, is that that age?
It's happening now, like five years old. I would have been that age.
But I think it's because I had an older brother who's ruined it for me.
Now that's really sad for me, because, like I remember, I mean Marley's five, and she absolutely believes wholeheartedly. And for me, it's really interesting the things that she does believe in and the things that she doesn't. So like Santa Claus and the Truth fairy and all that, there is no question she believes in those things absolutely. But like monsters, no, they're not real, you know, Like she she picks and chooses the things that are fantasy. Unicorns, yeah, unicorns are real, just haven't seen one yet. Like she still has this really beautiful imagination around the things that she believes in. But I vividly remember the time that I was told the alternate and I'm still also being careful about it. My cousins and my sister one day were like, guess what, And I remember how much it ruined it for me.
I was devastated when I found out.
Devastated. I don't remember the age. I don't know the moment. There wasn't a moment.
I think it was like a slow burn for me, and I probably faked it a few years, like to get more from my parents.
Nah, mine was like an instant moment of revelation. Also, maybe Santa Claus is hot, Okay, continue.
Santa Claus is seventy. Oh, I get it overweight. If you're language gifts, Daddy vibe, you're cooked, Father Christmas, you are actually so cooked.
I thought you would have preferred Rudolph to be honest with the Animal team.
All right, what is your vibe as a leader? Okay?
So my vibe is a vibe that I have sort of vibed multiple times before, and I say that it's the same, same but different. You guys might remember the podcast I have vibed a few times. It's called The Trial.
Lucy let Be was a big one that I vibed. She was the nurse that is now one of the biggest serial killers in the UK. So what it is is the series is the trial, but they keep focusing on different cases, and the one at the moment that I am deep in is the trial of Ditty. So it's a look at what is happening currently to whatever you want to call him, Puff Daddy, p Diddy, Diddy, Sean Combs, whatever. So it's a journalistic look into what is happening. And so they always go into the trial as it's happening, and then they come straight back out and they put a pod cast out that day with this one with Diddy because the trial hasn't officially started yet, but he is in prison. They're doing a lot of different interviews about people that were in his life and just doing at the moment, they're sort of talking about things that happened, what it looked like the lens we have now, but they were interviewing people that you know, he personally hired to go to his parties.
The story is so horrifying and there are so many complexities to it that there's been a couple of times where we've discussed whether or not we would unpack it on the pod. But I think the fact that it is an ongoing case, and the fact that there is so much to it and so much backstory and so many people's stories that intertwine into it, I would worry that we wouldn't do it justice or wouldn't be able to report on it correctly because it's a constantly moving case. I will absolutely listen to this because, like I said, I find it fascinating but horrifying at the same time. And I think anyone who's been reading into some of the details around p Diddy, the details around to haunt you like it is absolutely petrifying what went on.
It's interesting to me that this information is coming out now because I've seen like their documentary that's been released. It was either on Disney or Prime, I can't remember, but I flicked and I thought, Oh, I really want to watch that, but it's so new that you've got to pay for it. It's interesting to me that they're able to make content around this because the trial hasn't happened yet. And I'm not saying that to delegitimize any of it whatsoever. I absolutely believe the people who are coming out with these stories. It's only interesting to me that if they come out in the media, are they then able to use it in court because of the whole like fair trial situation, you know how they're like, you can't influence a story that's going on in court by public perception and whatnot.
It also shows the incredibly blurred lines now between entertainment and also like real crime. And I think that our insatiable appetite for wanting to know things as it's happening, like access to the courtroom, access to the trial, We've had it in the past, and so it's become the expectation now with these really massive, high profile cases.
It also has things like and I guess you don't know the credibility right, Like it is a journalist. It's supposed to be as factual as possible, but they have sources come out that know his treatment on the inside at the moment, the way he's been treated in prison, that he's getting slightly longer showers and he's getting extra time.
And things like that.
So it's called the trial.
Literally anywhere you get your podcasts and you just go through each season is about a different person.
Interesting.
Well, my vibe of this week, to be completely honest, if it wasn't getting high on our own supply, it would have been the interview that you did with Elizabeth Gilbert yesterday. So we released that episode yesterday. It is one of my favorite episodes of Life Uncut. Ever, it was one of my favorite interviews too. I just got so much out of it. She speaks about relationships and love and grief in a way I have never ever heard articulated. She speaks about being singleless and we kind of rephrased this and we put it as single needs a rebrand. But she speaks about this thing called emotionally autonomous and how she feels so content in her life now being on her own and doing things in the way that she wants to do them because they bring her joy, not because she's throwing herself entirely into a relationship. And how she's been able to be a much better writer and produce a lot more content because she's not wasting a lot of this energy pursuing relationships in the.
Way that she used to.
For anyoney doesn't know who Elizabeth Gilbert is. She's the author of Eat, Prey, Love, so she is a hugely prolific author.
She has had many number one best sellers.
But also she speaks about aging and I think as a woman this idea of like losing your looks, losing your value in society, but how there's actually benefits and positives to that as well.
She was remarkable. She was one of my favorite interviews we've ever done. Well. My actual vibe for the week is for any of the either oily scalped girls or girls who are sick of having to wash their hair every day. Now bear with me because it's not the cheapest product I've ever recommended.
It is called.
Christoph Robin Cleansing purifying scrub with sea salt. Now it's two hundred and fifty mills and it's seventy two dollars. But I had one of these jars for an entire year and I used it once a week. So the way it works, you get literally a tablespoon.
That's all you need.
It is the most emulsifying product I have ever used, and you just pop it into your scalp exactly how you do a shampoo, and you lather it up and you leave it for a couple of minutes. So whether you want to do that while you're like scrubbing the rest of your body or maybe shaving your legs or like whatever you do in the shower, I don't know. You can take a couple of minutes to let it kind of sit in there and you rinse it out, you condition as normal. You will need to wash your hair half as much. I don't know what is in this magic. It is not like any other scalp scrub I have used. It has something in it that just works ten times more. So Yeah, I have been absolutely loving this product. As I said, I've used it for over a year now. I really took my time with recommending it because I know it's not like the cheapest thing available, and it has made me need to wash my hair twice a week maximum, sometimes a little bit less.
Oh, I can't do that, I think because I go to the gym every day. I sweat my hair sweats so much.
You have to try this because I can sauna in between and it's still okay. It got rid of all of my dandriff. I don't know how it works. It's got magic inside of it. Right. Although you saw scrubbers, scalp scrubbers, it is called the Christoph Robin Cleansing purifying scrub It's available at Mecca at Adore Beauty. I think you can get it from its own website as well. And we will put all of the links to our vibes on our website and they're also in our show notes. Okay, let's get into the questions. Question number one.
My ex husband left me and after four years of IVF, we have embryos in storage. We have one beautiful little IVF baby girl who is my entire world. But I would love to make her a big sister one day too. He has so easily just said, hey, let's just donate the spare embryos. I am mortified by how easily he has suggested this, and absolutely am not interested in donating.
I want them. They are my babies.
I walked through the toughest times of my life undergoing IVF, and on my eighth transfer, I got my beautiful girl. I'm thirty three, and I don't know if I should freeze my eggs now and then get a sperm donor or wait until I might meet someone PSA.
I will continue to pay.
For storage for my embryo babies, as I love them too. I also didn't see our marriage being something that would end, but he clearly fell out of love with me and left me ten months postpartum. Gosh, oh my god, that is so hard, so hard, and I'm so sorry that you're going through this. There's no clear cut answer here, but the one clear cut thing is, unfortunately, to use embryos, you need to have both parties say that it's okay. You need to have consent from both parties, even if the embryos have been made. So Ben and I have embryos, and we both have to say yes when it's time to actually implant them or donate them or.
Whatever it is.
It has to be consensual from both parties, So this is obviously the issue here is is you don't agree on what you should do. It sounds like the only thing that he is going to agree on is that he doesn't want from the sound that he doesn't want you to use them.
I have a question for you, Britt, it's very personal.
Did you and Ben have a big conversation prior around all of the options like if you break up, what happens to those embryos? If you stay together but you have more than the amount of children you want to have, what do you do with them? Did you have that conversation before you froze embryos?
Yeah, we did.
We did have that conversation, and we went so far as to talk about if one of us dies, what happens, because that's a whole nother question if someone unexpectedly dies.
I feel like if someone dies, like go for gold, I'm not here to stop you.
Well, no more.
You still have to have that written down legally, so you have everyone has to have that discussion, and you have to have said what you want because there's no oh, well he's passed away, Like I think that's why Eldie pull In when we spoke to her. It was so difficult for her to do what she did. And in case you don't know that, Eldie's partner, Chumpy passed away really suddenly in a shallow water blackout, and within like twenty four hours they had retrieved sperm from him to use.
But that was very difficult because they had to go to his family really quickly, get all this consent, get lawyers involved, within like a twenty four hour period. It's not easy.
So talk to me about what you guys decided.
Well, we decided.
I said that if I passed away, for example, I said, Ben can still have them if he wants. If he wants to go and have that baby like with a surrogate, that's fine. But I didn't let him use my eggs because I have eggs and embryos, so I don't want him to go and just go for gold after I'm gone.
I just said, look, we already have babies, you can use them. I also said that I would.
Donate them to my sister, because you can put people that you want to donate down. But we didn't pick a certain option if we split, other than we both have to agree, so you don't have to write down that they'll be disposed or that they'll be donated, But we both did agree that we would happily donate them if we both agreed we don't want them and we're separating, I said, I'm happy for someone else to use our baby because because if I can help someone else in their life, but I don't want to know the person that was my issue, So I don't want to watch my baby grow up in the next suburb. That was just a personal decision for me. But if I can give someone else that live, then I said, yeah, Also.
Don't doesn't just mean donation to a separate family who may want to use them. You can also choose to donate them to medical research. Yes, so embryonic cells their stem cells, right, so you can, through different processes turn them into different types of cells that you may want to use to study. And so a lot of people, instead of having their embryos destroyed, they can choose to put them down a medical research route as well. Comes up with a lot of ethical questions. A lot of people feel uncomfortable about that because of the emotional connection that they have to the embryos.
Yeah.
Absolutely, this is such a hard one and I feel so genuinely fortunate that I've never had to walk this path. So I don't want to give people advice, and I don't really want to tell people the impression that I have all the way in which I would navigate this, because I've simply never been in that situation. And what a privilege that is. I think though, and this is not answering this questions. It's more so to people who are considering this for the future. I really think that you have to have the conversations first about what it is that you would do and agree on it. And I think even in your situation, Britt, it's kind of tricky because I know that you kind of say, okay, well, well if we break up, we're going to come to an agreement. We can't do anything unless we both agree. But then what if you find yourself in a situation where you simply cannot agree, which is exactly what's happened to this couple. And it's almost like going into marriage and talking about, Okay, well, how are we going to navigate things if we separate? It's another one of those big decisions that you have to make in life.
Well, the thing is here, And I say this from experience.
I understand how she's feeling because, and like you just said, Kisha, it's easy to say, yes, you can donate them to research, but I never thought, I don't even know how to explain it.
I never thought I would have.
An attachment to an embryo, right because I've always been pro abortion, and I always thought if I was in a position that I fell pregnant and needed to have an abortion, I always thought I could easily do that.
I've never been in that position. I'm very lucky.
Then when I had these embryos, and you guys might remember, but when I did my first round and I only got the one, and then it was not viable with life, and I had to I don't even know what they call it, destroy it.
I don't know the term, but you have to destroy it. There was this real sadness that I felt because I was like, it's actually my baby now, Ben and I have created that, and I know that that would turn into our child. And it was this really weird feeling of.
It's so it's a cell, it's so small, it's not But then there was this attachment that I had to it.
Well it's the start of it.
Yeah, yeah, so well, it is the child right, it's made. It's just that it's still at that cellular's tiny level. But I understand why you have said you're happy to keep paying for your storage because you don't want to make the decision where you're saying they're gone. I'm going to either destroy them or donate them.
Unfortunately for you, hear all you can do, and this is what my suggestion would be if if you know you don't want to donate them to someone else, you don't have to.
You can't use them unless your husband says too. So I think your best option here is if you've said you're happy to keep paying for storage, you can only pay for it for I think it's ten years. So if you want to hold onto those and keep paying for the storage and see what happens over the next ten years, that's what I would suggest you do. You don't really have that many other.
Options because you both need to agree, So your only option now is to hold onto it and hope that maybe he changes his mind, or maybe you feel a little bit differently about what you want.
To do with them. But I really feel for you, I really do.
It feels like such a futile situation if this occurs like this position, because paying for storage is not cheap, so you're then throwing money away for within one decade to be told that you have to make a decision regardless, So you are essentially just kicking that decision down the track. And you're not only kicking the decision down the track, you're throwing money away by doing that as well. And that doesn't seem like a responsible decision. It feels like you're almost offsetting a big and hard decision that you have to make because you don't want to make it now. And I would guess that if you and your husband have separated and he's made it clear that he doesn't want you to use those embryos, I don't think he's going to change his mind. Maybe in this very very clear situation, And to respond to this person's question, sit down and have a really honest conversation with your ex husband around this, around how hard this is for you, whether or not there is an option for you to use them, And if he's very clear and black and white on it, then I think it would make more sense to make that decision now rather than trying to make it in ten years time when it's taken away from you anyway.
But also you did ask one other question here. You said, I'm thirty three.
I don't know if I should freeze my eggs and get a sperm doner or just wait and see if I meet someone. I think if people have the opportunity to and they have the access to the funds, because it's obviously not cheap, it's always a great idea to consider whether or not you want to freeze your eggs because it gives you, it gives you more options down the track potentially. So if you want to do that now as a thirty three year old, freeze your eggs just in case, it might give you a sense of like, okay, there's more time to make decisions in that sense, rather than holding onto these embryos that you have to make a decision about at some point. I think egg freezing could be a really good option to give you peace of mind.
Remember when this has still been going on until recently, Soara from Modern Family, her and her ex husband, you guys might know his name is Nick Loeb, but they have been in an open court battle for years about their embryos because they split, so they had embryos, they split, Sophia doesn't want them, and her ex does.
It is such a hard discussion because he's saying they're still my children, like I still want them to live, and she's saying, yeah, but they're mine too, and I don't. I can't imagine that feeling when two people feel so passionately about their unborn child. But ultimately she will always win, Like ultimately two people have to say, so they just won't. They won't ever be created. But this was like a three year court battle.
I want to be careful with using the words like unborn child because for a lot of people, they are just a collection of cells and they are a potential of hope. I think that it can get very ethically ambiguous when we're talking about comparing frozen embryos and a collection of what eight cells to a child. But for the person who's written this question in I think the reason that this is even more complex for you is because you do have an IVF baby, so you do have the result of one of those embryos being transferred, and so for her, I think there's a lot of an emotional connection to them because there's a possibility that you could have that love again, you know, and that's maybe why you're finding it so hard to let go of.
And I do think that that's really important only from the perspective of like, and I talk about this as someone who has had an abortion. I don't conflate my abortion as being the same as the children that I've had. And there will be people who disagree with this. There will be people who there will be absolutely, but I do think that there is a point as to which that changes. And like, you know, obviously everybody has different feelings around this, but it's very hard to be pro choice and also sit on the fence of being like, at every single stage of conception that is a baby. I think that there is like, yeah, it's a really ethically hard question to unpack.
It's because it's.
It's also linked to whatever your current situation is, Like, this feels different because it wasn't easy for you. You did eight rounds to get your one child, and you know that your hope exactly like you said, Laurie, your hope and your chance remains in that freezer. And I think that's going back to Sophia and her husband, that's probably exactly the same feeling he might very well feel like that could be his only chance. He might also very well feel like that is his link to stay connected to his ex, that is his link to money from his ex.
You do not know the situation, and it.
Is so murky.
But yeah, like I just said, there's no other option.
Here for you to do it other than continue to pay storage and have those conversations with your ex husband.
Yeah.
Far, it's such a big ethical decision, isn't it okay? Question number two. I have been invited to spend Christmas with my partner's family interstate. We are in our mid twenties and we've dated for almost six years. My family has been disapproving and are very disappointed when I told them about not having Christmas at home, and they've tried to guilt trip me out of accepting the invite. However, I really want to go. How do I approach the topic again with them? And is it wrong to spend one Christmas away from your family?
Oh, it's not. No, it's fine. Tell your family to suck it up.
No, it is fine, But it's also laden with guilt on both parts.
And I felt that I'm thirty seven and I'm going away for Christmas.
This year, and I still feel guilty because it's such a special time for a lot of families. I totally understand it. It doesn't sound like you feel guilty, it's just your family that's making you feel guilty. What I usually do because I have spent a few Christmases away, now I try and make that time up either side. So for this Christmas, in a few weeks, I'm going up and we're having a family Christmas before Christmas, so like we all get together, we do a Chris Kringle, you know, a couple of weeks before. I think it's the first weekend of December, and then I'll go away for Christmas.
And it's a part of growing up. Unfortunately, you can't spend every Christmas for the rest of your life with your family. Maybe you can, and you're very lucky, but at the end of the day, there's usually two families involved when you're married or in a relationship, and you need to sort of share your time.
I think for a lot of parents, I can only imagine it's a really heart wrenching milestone absolutely to see that your kids have gotten to the point where they don't need you anymore, and.
That even makes me emotional. You can tell I got my period today. I've cried three times. Fuck, like I'm crying of a Christmas. What's wrong with me? What's actually wrong with me?
I feel like I want to spend Christmas.
Because I love my family. I want to spend but yeah, it's like it's a time for your parents. Like I think, give your parents a bit of grace, because yeah, that's exactly.
What I was gonna say. Thinking about when the time comes when Marley and Lola one year say, oh hey, mom, I've good boyfriend and I don't want to spend Christmas with you, I want to spend it with their family.
Or chain them to the bed. Obviously.
Well yeah, maybe not exactly, but that will be really hard because it's a it's a letting go of what has been your family's tradition. It's a letting go of what was your nuclear family, like the family that you spend all of your time with, and just realizing that actually you're not a little girl anymore. Then you're gonna be spending that time with another family.
Now.
I think it's really really important that either you guys do alternating Christmases, so like this year you might spend it with his family. Next year, you both spend Christmas Day with your family. That works really well in some households, or even as you said, like spending time before or after. However, I do think that sometimes Christmas Day can become a real sticking point. And if you're always the family that's sacrificing Christmas Day because the other family has something bigger, or more interesting or whatever else going on, I think that that's when you know it can become a real source spot in a family. Yeah, I really look at this, and I think that this is just such a huge transitional part of your life and for your parents' life as well. And you can even have a really honest adult conversation with your mum, who is the one who's making you feel guilty, and say, Mum, I know this is really really hard, and I love you and I love spending Christmas with you and with our family. But you'll also have to know that I've now been with my partner for six years and this is just a part of the fact that I'm also an adult now and we have to kind of negotiate eight different families. I wonder how she would respond to that, because you know, I think even though you're in your twenties, sometimes we sometimes when we're back with our family, we instantly act younger like, we instantly act like the child instead of like having the conversations that are like quite adult conversations with our parents.
God, I don't do you do?
I think it depends. I think I'm such an adult in my family.
I feel like my parents are children your child. No, But I mean, I just understand why it's upsetting, and I mean to maybe put myself back in that place. When I was in my twenties, I remember I spent a lot of Christmases with my ex boyfriend's family, and I don't think I ever appreciated how hard that might have been for my family. I knew it caused a bit of a bit of tension, but I was kind of like, get over it whatever, I get to make my own decisions. But now I look back at it, and I go, oh, of course that would.
Have been hurtful.
Yeah, especially because he's a fuck with Yeah, I know, right, and I'm not even with him anymore exactly.
I think the big thing here to say to your parents too, is is just to lean into the fact that you have been with him for six years and this is your first Christmas away, So either your partner has been spending them with your family or you and your partner have been spending them apart.
They're the two options for the last six years. That's a long time. So I think you can just say that to you, to you mum and.
Dad too, and also just make sure you like do it like the compliment sandwich, so you're like you, guys know, this isn't easy, Like I want to be here this Christmas.
I'm going to have to go and spend it with him. But doesn't mean I love you any less.
That was a really good compliment, sandwich. I don't love you any less, but sick present. But their roasted ham is nicer than yours. Yeah, sorry, Go where the food is better. That's my advice.
No the present, Go where the presence is. I'm superficial.
I'm a food person over a present person. I'm a location. Go where the location is better.
That's tricky is one like on the beach, and one is you know, like i'd be thinking that through.
Just one have a pool. It's hold on Christmas in Australia.
Okay, all right, Next question, Question number three, and I have a sexy one for you.
Well, actually it's kind of un sexy.
So I've been in a relationship with this guy for six months and everything is great. He is a wonderful, wonderful guy, and I really think that we share a very similar sense of humor. Maybe he could be my penguin. However, there is one glaring problem.
The sex is not good. Now.
He's kind of more of the jackhammer kind of guy, where he really seems to only be interested in pleasing himself. Now, I have done all the things that you would normally recommend, we have had the conversations. I have tried to softly guide him to do the things in a way that I like it. The problem is he does it for about a week and then goes back to the jackhammering lovely.
How do I navigate this?
And how important is sex in having a great relationship?
I mean, how long is a piece of string? That's the question here? Is sex important to you in your relationship? Because some people don't care much for sex. Some people are happy to live a life where they love everything else about their partner and the sex is mediocre.
However, some people don't care much about sex. But I think even the people who don't care much about sex still care about bad sex. Like if the sex is not good, even if it's infrequent, it's not good. But are you thinking about the Radish?
I'm thinking about a woman from Harry Potter. Her name is just blanked my mind when she depends.
I s good because if it's good sex, I'd check the sex.
But if it's bad sex, I'd rather have a Radish Miririam marghlei'sah.
It, but it's okay. How bad is the sex? Is it just okay sex and not great? Or is it like I can't stand this and it's uncomfortable and it hurts.
And how important is sex to you? There are the two questions you really need to ask yourself. For me, I think sex is important. I wouldn't want to have sex that I hated or I thought was pretty mediocre and the rest of your life, the rest of your life, and you're also only six months in.
I just think we all need to harden up a little bit. I truly believe this.
I know you've tried the soft guiding, and you've tried to sit down and talk. I think next time he does it, tell him to stop, just say stop. That is so uncomfortable for me. I'm really not enjoying that. Let's try something else, just like I think we just need to take a little bit of ownership. He'll probably be relieved at someone taking a little bit of control. But if he knew that you hated it enough to write into a podcast to be like, fucking sos, it's so bad, he'd be mortified.
Well, I don't I don't know if I agree, because the thing is is you've had the conversation and you said that he would then correct it for a week. He pays attention to your needs. He then tries to get you off, and then that goes out the window when he goes back to the thing that pleasures him. I kind of think he's not taking it that seriously, Like it's like, oh, she asked me to clean up the house, so I did it for a week of done, job done.
It's like he seems to be prioritizing his way of pleasure over your way of pleasure, and maybe that's how he gets off, is like he needs it to be like.
But that's why I don't think No, that's yes, a lot of people do get off like that a lot of men get off like that. But that's that's why I think maybe she hasn't been hard enough.
If you've had that conversation once before, I can guarantee you a soft conversation, Like.
No one goes in hard on the first convo. Everyone tries to beat around.
The bush or be like, let's try this, or I think sometimes you need to cut the bullshit, especially when you say you've tried other things. I think we just need to be more forward and be okay with saying what we want.
What would you do if you were in a relationship with someone and the way that they got off was something that you didn't enjoy.
So, for example, let's say you don't like deep throating, and the only way that they were able to come was, sorry, this is very graphic, but I'm just go with me, was by deep throating, And so there was a very obvious mismatch in the way in which the two of you feel pleasure.
I'd call bullshit. There's not one way to get off.
There's no one in the world that's like I can only get off by holding your head or my Dirk like.
He's just full of it.
He's been watching too much poor ways.
Yeah, and there's always other ways to figure out what would work for both of you, and that's what you guys need to do. Like the jackhammer doesn't work for you, maybe you on top doesn't work for him, so let's try something else that will get you both there. Or maybe he's got to get your first and then you let him drag hammer for a minute. I don't know, Like, I don't know what the answer is, but it's not to lay there in silence, Like the answer is definitely to have a more harsh conversation he's I always think of it this way. That conversation will be uncomfortable, but what is worse is them thinking they're doing a good job and you hating it to the point that you are talking to other people about it. Like that is a conversation that can be fixed in your relationship.
And also, I think the problem with these types of things is the longer you leave it, the harder it is. So if you've been having sex a certain way for a year, that's way harder to correct than if the sex isn't great in the first month. You know, Steve, totally, it's not impossible to correct. And I don't want anyone to think that, like, you can't have a better sex life no matter where you are in your relationship. But I think it hits different when you're like, hey, that thing you've been doing for the last six years, I haven't actually enjoyed it, and I'm only now being truthful about it, And you need to hit different and you need to need to get different exactly. So maybe it needs to be a bit more pointed in terms of like not just describing what it is that you want, but a bit more pointed in like, hey, we had this conversation. It was really great for me for a week, and then it feels like you stopped caring about the things that pleasure me and get me off and just went back to what was priority for you. And I don't know, I kind of you said that he's a really amazing guy, and he's really funny, and you share all these other great similarities, and like, you know, he kind of levels up in all the other ways and things that you want in a relationship. But I also don't think that we should be settling for someone who only levels up in a certain amount of categories, you know. I mean, I think if sex is important to you, it's important to you, and it has to also be something that is fulfilling for you. But I don't think that you have to discard the relationship because he's not able to get you there right now. I think that there are many more conversations that need to be had. And if you do have it more directly and he does turn around and in another week's time just does the same thing, then I would be going, Okay, Well, is my pleasure a priority for him? And is this something that I'm going to be okay with for the rest of my life potentially or the rest of this relationship.
Yeah, you'll also start to build a lot of resentment and potentially get to the point of no return.
Yeah, you're not gonna want to have sex with him, That's what I mean.
It's gonna get to the point where you get the ick because your every single feeling that you have is a direct response to that action. So every time you have sex, you're gonna develop a feeling of like, I don't want to do this, I'm not gonna get off, I don't like this, I'm not enjoying it.
You're not gonna want to do it anymore. Then that's gonna build resentment.
Then you're gonna have an argument, and it's all so avoidable at the end of the day. Also, just say to him, I'm never gonna come like this.
Have you ever been in a relationship where the guy was great but the sex wasn't and it never got better?
Keisha's not, No, I haven't.
I haven't, but that's because I didn't really date.
I wasn't in a lot of relationships.
I have dated people where the sex has not been compatible, but I've had those conversations early and we've figured out what works for both of us. It's only not compatible because we liked different exactly this exact conversations.
I have had this exact conversation. What was your experience, Cash, I've had the experience where like, it's fine, but it's definitely not good. It reduced my desire, you know, it reduced my kind of capacity to want to have sex all the time. And I think that whether that had an impact on how successful the relationship was probably, like, realistically, if you don't have that much desire for them to be intimate, it probably does reduce the longevity of how long you can be together. But I think it depended on the period of life that I was in and how much kind of stability I wanted in my life. I suppose, because I think often you can have really lustrous sex and like that really animalistic type where you maybe can actually be more confident with saying what you like because you don't really care if you offend the other person. I think for this person's question, it's it's hard because the six month mark is kind of where things start to get a little bit more serious, and if you leave it too much longer, it's really awkward to bring up. But you can't necessarily bring up at the start at risk of them getting so offended that they're like, well, I don't want to keep dating you, and I think I didn't. I mean, I can be a little bit conflicted verse and I didn't really say much. I would maybe guide and say what I actually know. Maybe this is my advice, keep repeating what you like, because if you repeat it enough and they're still not picking up on it, then that kind of gives you an indication as to who they're going to be in other aspects of life as well, and whether they want your perspective and whether they're keen to pleasure you.
Yeah, but I don't they're past that. You pass the point of just being sex and being like stop there.
I like that, but I like that bit like.
And also one thing you said their keish that I want to make a note on is like you said, you're conflict avoidant.
This shouldn't be a conflict. This is not a conflict.
This is just a set And I think we sometimes put it on ourselves when we build up the anxiety and that we're nervous and we feel like we're going to offend someone. And when you bring that energy, it makes it sometimes makes this situation something that it's not.
Have you ever had someone say to you, I don't like that, stop doing that when you're like being in to meet with them. Well, no, because most guys just do.
Most guys don't have the same issue as women, right, Like most guys it's easier.
We all know it is easier to pleasure a man than it is to a woman. That's a fact, is it.
Okay, Maybe it's nitpicking, but maybe it's not conflict avoidance. Maybe it's people pleasing because you know.
It makes sense.
Yeah, Like, maybe it's not this.
Feeling of like I don't I want to avoid conflict because obviously it's not going to end in a row, like, no one's gonna get angry about it, but it does sort of like, really, I think if you're someone who is a people pleaser, who doesn't want to tell someone that they're doing a bad job because you don't want to disappoint them or hurt their feelings.
You want to keep everything pleasant. It makes it really.
Hard to tell someone that you're not enjoying what they're doing that is supposed to be pleasurable to you. The only reason why I think that this situation is different is because you have said it, and he did it, and now he's choosing not to do it again. So he knows he's just either a little bit lazy in the bedroom or he prioritizes himself. And so I think, be careful with how much you have to remind someone of the things that you like. You know, we have this conversation about everything else in our lives, right Like, if you've got to constantly tell your partner that they've got to clean up after themselves, that's gonna get really annoying real quick. If you're constantly having to tell your partner that they have to be softer or go down on you for a bit, or like be gentle or whatever it is in the bedroom that's gonna get really fucking annoying after a while.
What I'd recommend every single person does right now if you're listening to this is go and have this exact conversation with your partner tonight. Literally say, hey, I was listening to Life Uncut today. If I was uncomfortable with something you did in bed, would you or someone your partner, would you want me to tell you?
Or would you like, how would you want that conversation to go?
Because I have these conversations with Ben all the time about these ask guncuts, like I ask his opinion, I'm going to one hundred percent tonight, ask him this question and say, if I was unhappy with someone with you in bed, would you want me to do it differently?
I have one more question to add to that.
And because sometimes it's hard to bring up sex questions with your partner because you're like, when is the right time. Here is your litmus to go forth and ask whatever it is you want. Today I was listening to Life Uncut and they said to go and ask your partner, what is the one thing that you would like to do in the bedroom that you're not doing. So like open that conversation up. Ask your partners, like, what is the one thing that you would like me to do that I'm not doing or that you.
Would like to try that we haven't tried yet.
And if you put it on us, it makes it way easier for you to say it to them because it's like, Hey, I'm just doing my Life on Cut homework. I'm not just coming to you with like my random request about wanting to use a vibrator on this or that. Like it will give you the opportunity to open it up without it feeling like it's on you, not about just how you want to be pleasured, but like but like bringing something new into the bedroom.
Yeah, you guys thought you came to Life Uncut for just an easy listening experience, but now you have homework to do and you must report back.
But I think a lot of you will find and we'll go put some polls on Life on Cut. I think a lot of you will find your partner's answer is going to be like, yes, please tell me if I'm doing something you don't like, of course I want to know and I think that that'll take away that stigma attached all the nervousness that you have, and then you can.
Be like, thank fuck because I hate when you do this.
Well, that is it from us. Everybody some down and actually I was gonna say down dirty questions.
Actually none of them were down and dirty, but you know we did our best.
If you have a question for usk from ask on Cut, you can slide into the DMS. You can also send us an email with your question and we will do our absolute best to answer the next week. Send us spicy ones, send us your big life dilemmas.
We want to hear it all.
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