Dear Mapaseka
I’m writing because my heart is heavy. I was in a relationship for over 11 years, and when my ex partner passed away in 2019 February, I discovered that he had been
HIV positive and unfaithful for 2 years. That truth broke me, but I was relieved when
my test came back negative.
In January 2020, I met someone new. We’ve been together since then. He knew
about my fear of HIV. He knew how often I checked my status. He kept telling me
he didn’t need to test because he was only with me. I trusted him with my whole
Heart. Then in July last year, after feeling unwell, I went for a check-up and I found
out I am HIV Positive. I felt my world collapse in that room. I thought of my children
who still need me, my cousin who depends on me — and I knew killing myself was
not an option, even though the pain was unbearable. I started treatment immediately,
but emotionally I’m still struggling.
I am angry. I am hurt. I am heartbroken that someone I loved and trusted could bring
this situation. I stopped family planning so we could use protection, but inside,
everything has changed. Every time I take my medication, I feel a wave of sadness
and betrayal. My love for him is dying, and I asked for a breakup because I couldn’t
bring myself to tell him the real reason.
I have pulled away from people. I don’t go out. I’m scared of being judged, scared
of hurting anyone else, scared of starting over. I feel like I’m carrying stones, and it’s
destroying me slowly.
I need guidance. How does one move on from this?I’m trying to be strong, but
I am tired and confused.
BUHLE