On the way to an Amy Schumer show, Bethenny was scammed, bamboozled and distressed. She thought the night couldn’t get any weirder, but then… it did. Bethenny’s giving Amy major props for dealing with this insanity!
Okay, Oh my god, Oh my god, oh my god. Amy Schumer is the greatest. She's the greatest. And she's from Long Island, She's from Motion Side. I lived in Rockfell Center, in the neighboring town. I got an email from a girl who asked if I wanted to go to Amy Schumer. It'll be an amazing show Jerry and Jessica Seinfelder hosting her and it and Lauren Michael's name was thrown around. And I don't know if Alec Baldwin because he's got his own bag of problems right now. But you know, there are these events that happened in the Hampton's once a mill a millennium and they're cool. Like I've gone to the coal Play concert and it's been really locals mixed with some librities. But you had like I think Joni Mitchell and Jimmy Buffett and John McEnroe bartending in one room, and I think Jay Z and Beyonce were there to watch them, and um, I was there. I got into a little bit of an incident there which we don't have to discuss today. We could discuss it another day. But I'm lucky I wasn't thrown out, but I was. I was on the on the brink of cancelation sort of. So anyway, the Hampton's once in a while has a cool event. Amy Schumer performing here sounds like a cool event. I don't go out. I don't go out on weekends. I don't go out at primetime dinner. It's the Hampton's is the most beautiful place in the world. It's the most dreadful place. If you go and try to do something cool or interesting or like orchestrated, that's when it's dreadful. Okay, So I went, I was invited to Amy Schumer, and I said, Who's who's going to be there? When I asked that, I didn't mean, like, you know, just Joe the Lifeguard. I meant there are people that I know who live out here who are at events like this, and funny people who I've appreciate human I love comedy. So I assume Jimmy Fallon is going to be there. He's a comedian, comedian support other comedians. I assume Lauren Michael's is going to be there. He's the one who told me you have to make an exit to make an entrance. I think he's going to be at a comedy thing. Jerry and Jessica Seinfeld have been confirmed. It sounds interesting because I'm leaving my house. I want to talk to some people. I wanted to be interesting. I may want to say to Amy, do you want to come on the podcast? Like I don't leave my house unless there's a very good reason, and often slash work is a reason. Like slash slash Amy, do you want to come on the podcast? Because otherwise I'm sitting in my backyard or at the beach, or doing a bonfire, or making s'mores or swimming or just living my own, free, free person life. Okay, let's go. This person invites me. They're up there in the pr business. They invite me. They invited me to go to fifty cents a couple of years ago. I thought that's cool. Brand will go to the surf Ledge. Big mistake. Huge. You have a private table, private parking, private everything. It's gonna be great. Paul and I get ready. Paul and I always have a discussion about this. He never wants to go. I don't want to go either. I think it's good for me, it's good for work. Bring it off, fun, Let's just go out. Let's get a car, let's get dressed, Let's be people. Let's pretend we have a life. Let's pretend we're social. Can we just pretend? Can we just one night go out and be cool and like, pretend we're cool and let's just pretend. Okay, So that night we went and Brin was like two years younger and fifty cent. We never even saw anywhere near him. The crowds, it was a mob. It was like a stampede. It was crazy, and Brian was getting trampled. I'm like, this is bad parenting. This is what we call bad parenting. We never even got close to when he started. I think he just started five seconds before. We were out of there. Montalk is like forty minutes from my house. We're all spent money. He were tipping everybody. We're wearing nice outfits. We gotta drive the whole thing, had to class fills to get there. Sit down. It was a disaster, and we came home like that's my idea of hell. Okay, enter the Amy Schumer Performance is a place club the clubhouse here. It's cool. It's a bowling alley and in arcade. I go there with Brian in the winter because in the winter you get bored and you're not gonna we don't need to go bowling now in the summer when we can be at the beach and clambing or doing something fun and go on a boat. So we do that in the winter. So I never thought about the outdoor spaces at the clubhouse has but they I I and they have like a big bar inside, like a really big big sports bar type vibes. I picture that she's gonna be performing in their clubby slanky lounge. Clubby Swanky Lounge. E great, But I do here before we go, there's something private gonna be outside, like a private concert. I do not ask how many people are gonna be there, but I hear it's going to be intimate. So we go. My friends are coming. This was the whole thing too. Who am I inviting? I was gonna invite my friend Alex and Steve Cohen they owned the Mets. Okay, I did invite them. They had a game or he was away, they couldn't come. I said, this would be cool. I don't invite them to everything because they invite me to go to like Subway series Mets and to come to their house, which is the most extraordinary house you've ever seen in your life. I'm not inviting them, you know, to do nothing. But the truth is they're the most down to earth people, and I can invite them easily to my backyard piggly wiggly barbecue as much as this. But this sounded like just at least a cool invite. They're not getting invited to this thing, so like, let me invite them. I invited my friends Perry and dan Um and he's you know, Perry's an agent and he, you know, can be a little particular. Let's just say. And I invited my friends Amy and John. Okay, Amy and John end up coming. Alex and Steve couldn't come. Amy and John end up coming there. She's my friend from college. I've known them for years. They're calling me on the way there. Now, there's a vortex in the Hamptons where you cannot get phone service. That I'll give anybody who criticizes it's a place here, a pocket. We cannot talk to anybody. So you're trying to get to somewhere, you can't get the ways to get there, and you can't get on the phone to tell anybody where. If you're late or not. It's a disaster, and it's a specific pocket. If you ever come to the Hampton's it's between Bridge Hampton and East Hampton, it's particularly Wayne Scott is a cluster fuck and a little bit of sagaponic. Okay, so I'm never in those places. Doesn't matter that much. But when you're getting out to mon talk, there's a good seven minutes to ten minutes that you can't get service. Great, we're going there, Amy and John and Amy has was the one that I did the podcast about being a planned stalker. But she's she's retired from being a plant stalker and she's not, but she still has it in her blood. So she's texting where do we go? What do we do about the parking? And I'm like, I don't know because I really don't know, and I just I don't know. Don't forget, don't forget. You never knew this. I put on an oufit that night. I got my hair. I'm embarrassed. So just know that I was told there's a step and repeat. So even though it step and repeat, I used to go to a casual event and not do hair and makeup because I thought who cares? But step and repeat means there's one photographer. Doesn't mean matter if there's one or forty, there's one who will take a picture and a cond ended everywhere. So just because it's a casual event and there's only one photographer, you don't want to look like garbage. The one camera has as much power as twenty cameras is something I learned about six months ago, probably about the same time as I started learning how to do my makeup. So the one camera has has reached. So I get my hair makeup done in the Hampton's. I'm whispering because that's something that would make me want to enter the Witness Protection program. Come my hair makeup done? How embarrassing. Picked out an outfit, cute outfit. Paul and I bought this little cute dress in Santa bar but we love it. It's fresh, it's casual enough to be in the Hampton's, but cute enough to wear. I put it on and somehow my boobs are popping out, like popping up. Brind's looking at me, her face is wonky. Paul comes in, He's like, oh later, He's like that would not have been okay, Like not have been okay. My boobs are popping out. So I'm thinking that sort of Dolce layering bra. Look, I could put a broad peek out underneath. The problem is the shirt was so ill fitting that you couldn't. So I put the bra underneath. Now wearing a bra with a dress like under it. So now we have to leave because they've told me you have to be here by this time the set starts at that time. Okay, you have to be here spreaking out. I'm wearing a bra. I say, screw it. I can rocket. It's a bra that has pink detail. I have a pink bag to match. No problem. We're walking out the house. My keys. Paul set tells me the keys are locked in the car. Keys locked in the car. Don't have that happened. It's not keys are locked in the car. I have a bra popping out. I pulled this like dress that's like a sea less dress for me. I just I couldn't think I was in the moment. We had to leave. We had to get to the set. The same person who told me that this was very private, and that told me that I wouldn't that that fifty cent was going to be very private also told me we have to be there. We had to be there. I think they said by six forty What the hell was it was really early? I think it was six forty five. I'm rushing out the door. I'm freaking out. I'm trying to figure out a dress. I pull another dress and I'm now in the car and I'm holding a dress. I picked the most neutral dress. I couldn't. I'm in the car. Oh, sorry forgot to tell you. We got locked out of the car. We got locked out of the car. I don't have child's care. I've never had a nanny. I don't have babysitters. I don't have a go to babysitter. I this night because of this event, because if Amy she were performing, I tell my assistant, can you find a babysitter? She says, we don't. This is the assistant that I lost my phone number for a day. She says, we don't have any Babysitterzen, They're not in the Bible. The Bible is a book that my assistants have composed that like has Hampden's Hairdresser, New York City, Play, Ohio Dating, Ohio hairdresser. Because I go there to do an appearance, like it's a Bible. It's called the Bible because it's like it's been written, you know, scripture that's been included there, so we could use it. So she says, it's not in the Bible. I'm like, well, okay, so put it, you know, find it. She's like, well, there's no babysitt in the Bible. I'm like, okay, the Bible wasn't actually made by God. It was made by my assistance. So like you can look around for Hampton's babysitter. It can't be that difficult find a babysitter to put into that. You could put your you can have your scripture in the Bible. You two could be an author in my Bible. But like, I can't deal with this right now. So that that was something. Figure out a babysitter. I've said, three hundre million dollars to Ukraine in six days. I think you can figure out a babysitter. Okay. So so now we got the babysitter thing, and then of course I like I figure everything out. Figured out the babysitter, I said, asked Garrett, my house manager. He's got to know somebody's a local. He presents us with a friend of his who happens to be someone he was best friends with in high school. Her name is what Katy Bryan Jackie? Her name is? Her name is? Her name is Jackie. She went to prom with Garrett Broom wants to mention that. Okay, enter Jackie. She walks into my house. She has a jeep. I've never met her. She's adorable. I trust Garrett. She's his friend. Brenda don't need a lot of babysitting. Like it's like basically a friend coming over. She's, you know, got her own life. Um, but we're going. I'm holding a dress in my hand. Paul's locked out of the car. I look upon, I go take the babysitter's car. We've met her five minutes ago. Five minutes ago, met the babysitter in my hair and make up, bra popping out. I posted it on Instagram. Um, bra popping out holding a white dress. Get in the babysitter's car. Now my friends calling me. How do we get in? What do we do? What if it passes? We have no service because we're in that that vortex where you get no service in the Hampton's Okay, no problem, we get there. I'm changing in the car. I change, I wear the other dress. I don't feel great about it. It's not great. Don't worry. Doesn't matter. It's not going to be a photographer. There's not gonna be a step and repeat. That was fake news. I could have worn my underwear and a scrunchy. It doesn't matter. Great now, she says, we finagled. We pulled up. We saw this, said publicist, and they got them a parking past. Great, we pull up. We're behind two thousand people. She's telling me we have to be in at a certain time. I'm thinking there's a step and repeat. I'm gonna see Amy Schumer. The publicist says, get there. You have to be there at a certain time. Now we're at the back of this ten thousand car line. So what am I supposed to do? My friends got there at the time that I was told we had to be there. Now I'm going to be that Hampton's douche bag that's just passing everybody. I'm more important than you. Forgot to tell you because there's ten thousand cars. I didn't know there'd be this many cars. I didn't know there'd be as many people. That information was conveniently left out. It's a Saturday night. I'd rather be homemaking s'mores with Brent. You know I don't go out. You've already garnered that. You've seen what I allow myself to look like on social media. You know I don't leave the house. Any publicist that works in this industry knows that. Every time they ask, the answer is no unless it's really interesting. Okay, So now we see like people to the left that are holding headphones, that are wearing shorts that have like whistles around their necks. I'm like Paul, I'm hiding under the seat. Drive up there and say blah blah blah told us to come. It's just everything I hate. It's a reason to get canceled. It's why I threw a drink on someone at cold Play. It's what happens to me when I leave, and it's unnecessary. It was unnecessary to leave the house so far. But amy humor is funny, it should be wonderful. After five conversations, I'm under the car seat. This is not an exaggeration. I do not exaggerate. I do a lot of things. I emote, I raised my voice. I do not embellish, I do not exaggerate. Under the seat, Paul talks to these people. They're talking to the other person on the walkie. We get to front, we leave the car. The person says, don't worry, just give your car. No v I, no v I P parking, no pass, just don't worry, just give your car. Okay, now we're walking in. This event has been designed to be like an airplane. You know. Amy Schumer talked about the v I P section, and it's literally coach, business class and first class. It's jet bluement, business class and coach coaches. People on lawn chairs, eating sushi, hotdogs, barbecuing. It's Chase Stadium. It's wherever that open lawn is where you go in the middle of the Kentucky Derby. That's coach. Coach looks very fun, and coach is the only place where there's food. Did I not? I did not realize because you get you get invited to a v I P event at six forty five, you expect you could eat. Well, wait, now we're in business class. That's people sitting in sort of chairs like wedding style seating, and as Amy Schoomer in her in her act, pointed out, there's like there's like a separation for that in first class. Nothing feels better in a comedy act than to make people feel low. So those are business class, right, but like literally separated by a rope and then business then then first class is right in front of them. First class is those those fake rattan Miami big giant couches, okay, and they as though them with two club chairs. I think it was club Jays. It might have been only the couches. No, they're definitely club chairs. Someone said, let's make a living room living room setting for each party in a comedy club. That Amy pointed out is next to an airport, so you're hearing planes take off and land. And it's also next to the woods. She pointed that out a lot. Doesn't bother me that it's next to the woods, but she seemed frightened by it. It was still daylight, um, but there were there are like coffee tables outdoor, fake wicker Miami coffee tape ables and club chairs and couches, and it's vast. First class is vast. So they pull us this person seats us in my my couch living room seating arrangement area Okay, my friends there, Amy and John are there. This person says, great, go get a drink. Alcohol can cure almost anything. It's eight o'clock in the morning. I'm ready for a drink right now. Alcohol, she says, go get a drink, because when you're stressed out like this, this is how The Housewives was successful, because we walk in and you're so stressed out by whatever it is and the preparation it took to get there that you dis first, like I'm thirsty, but I'm not gonna drink water. I'm gonna have a margarita instead feels hydrating. So we get there and so they're like, go to the bar. It's right there. I see Rosanna Scotto. Hello, I see other people. Go to the bar. Great, go to the bar. No one standing at the bar. Um, there's no line. Great, there's another signature drink bar that only has like very thick, syrupy mango spicy margarita's sounded amazing. I got one. It was like a fix sarupy mango with no alcohol in it, no spice and sight. So it's like gloppy mango drink like that I can't do for an evening. We're here, for the long haul. It's gonna be funny. I'm gonna be talking to a lot Lauren Michael's. I might get him to do my podcast. I'm gonna see Amy Jerry Seinfeld's here. We're gonna hang out, Jessica and I are going to talk about, you know, sneaking vegetables into food and laugh. Like a lot of things are gonna happen here tonight. I can't have a mango gloppy drink sustain me. So now I'm like, okay, great s should go over to another bar. This is the bar. This is the type of night I want to like make my own drink. I want to be like, I'll have tequila sour mixes, splash of margarita, like I mean a splash of club soda. Like this is one of those bars you're at an event. It's not gonna be what you wanted, but if you're lucky, there's a line slice a good plastic cup, and you can figure out your own adventure with a vodka, cranberry and a pinch. So I walk up, Sorry, we just have bottle service. I don't even know what that means. We have to buy a bottle. What do we do with it next like a bottle of what? Okay, so we have to all is a group now agree the tickets. I guess we're five dollars we didn't pay, so we had a group have to greet agree because it's four to five a bottle of alcohol. I'm not spending twelve hundred dollars on alcohol. John and Amy drink one drink each. Paul drinks one drink and nurses it to pretend he's drinking like I am. And I'm gonna have two two and a half to three drinks. So that's not two bottles of alcohol for a thousand dollars and I'm cheap in that regard, So I'm like, No Britain laughed at whatever that was? Would you laugh at why? Because Paul was pretending to have a drink exactly. So we all have to make a decision on tequila. Because Paul will drink a little tequila, I'll drink more tequila. Amy and John will drink no tequila. They'll drink Coca cola. Great, we're now three hundred fifty dollars into this thing, plus Paul greasing everybody and paying tips and everything, we're probably five hundred dollars into it. We're having a bottle, but the bottle these bottles. These young kids that these young kids that go to Duchella and go to like club bottle table service. They drink shots tequila. They don't care about what's surrounding the drink. So that the woman comes over to our table one time, you never saw her again, because you know, it's not fun in um a comedy show, ranking ice and scooping ice and pouring into drinks. Like you get your two drinks in a comedy club and you're off to the races. It's like bottle service for nightclub Miami Fountain Blue Live the club in the Fountain Blue. For anyone who's who's who's over twenty nine? This is not live bottle service life. Okay, you have someone like doing shots out of their belt next to your table, like you gotta be quiet. We're doing a comedy show. So one time this has dropped off. The same ice that's under the bottle has to be the same ice we have to use for our drink. You get what you get. You don't get upset. I don't care. I already have salmonella and COVID so now but it's only the two crafts, the tonic, that whatever, and like some gloppy orange juice and cranberry. It's like drink selection. So I can't get my drink right. It's gonna be strong tequila, It's gonna be tequila soda. It's just this is not fun yet. My drinks are not fun. It's why I have a I had a cocktail Empire. Drinks need to be done properly, they need to be done fun. Great, never see that person again. We're stuck with the soup because this is in the middle of a heatwave. I forgot to tell you. This is when it was nine in the shade every day, so the ices melted five minutes after it gets to our table. So now drinking warm tequila. Great, it's all fun. This woman comes out to do stand up comedy. I'm not sure if she was funny, because you would never be able to know because this was the least funny environment I've ever been in. So she comes out, she's um a black woman in a white sea of rich Hampton's entitled people. This was part of both of their bits and Amy's act, etcetera. And you know the staff is home and all these jokes, and truth is, there's a lot there are a lot of people in the Hampton's that can't afford to be at that event. There are a lot of locals. And the bad rap is about the private planes which are right next door to this event. Ironically, literally these are. This event was not at a regular airport, it was at a private airport where all the douche bag planes were next door. So all the people that are being made fun of her sitting on sitting there at the event, their planes are next door. The jokes were funny. I mean those jokes are funny. It's we get it. It's true. You gotta go for it. It's the low hanging plane, I mean fruit great. So there's no food inside. Amy has to go walk to some food truck truck and coach and find pizza. Like it's just not any food. There's nothing tray passed, there's nothing that's gonna be like interesting at all to eat. Like the pizza wasn't even that good. Who cares? Okay, So now we're not drinking, we're not eating, okay, but we're not laughing because the person who opened up is out there and she's drowning and they put her out there for like forty minutes, like it was a long time, and I'm but what you do when what do you do when someone's laugh like not it's not going that great for them. You laugh louder and you try to combine your laughter with the people next to you, so like there's laughter going up there because you're feeling bad. Guess what when you're next to a talk, when you're at Luguardia Airport on the tarmac, in a in a in a living room, furniture setting separated so far from the people near you, and there were seven empty which is in front of me, seven empty couches in front of me, so much so that someone started moving furniture. A staff employee during eight during I don't know if it was this girl's actor, Amy's act. I think it was Amy's act started moving club chairs and furniture to make it like closer together. You know, it's great during a comedy show, no alcohol, vast spaces, wide open planes right, wide open planes are like are in between each table. You can't. I'm so far from Amy Schumer. I'm so far that even when Amy, because she wasn't getting every single laugh because no one could hear anything, because there are airplanes taking off and landing, there are wide open spaces, there are like seven tays, seven to nine tables in front of me that are empty, and people are moving furniture, moving furniture. Just We're no problem, Amy, We're just doing a light renovation in the middle of your act. We just thought we'd do like a light furniture renovation. Is that cool with you? We're gonna just move furniture. So every time I try to laugh, to make just for Amy or anyone, it's so far. She's so far from me. Guess who's nowhere in sight. There's no Jimmy Fallon, there's no Lauren Michaels, there's no Jerry Seinfeld, there's no I heard later, when I was definitely displeased about the way that they set up Amy Schumer in this event, I heard, I can't imagine what they paid her. Whatever they paid her was in nearly enough. If they didn't pay her three two and seventy five thousand dollars, she did not get paid enough. Never Mind, I didn't see, but I heard Jerry Seinfeld's daughter was backstage with the publicist. Well, maybe Jerry, Maybe Jerry Seinfeld's daughter is gonna come on the podcast. We could talk about this event. So none of the people that were discussed that we're quote unquote sitting next to me, were there. None of this occurred. Amy Schumer was funny because she could survive in a in a comedy hurricane. But they set her up for failure. This was literally the night to set comedians up for failure. Okay, to set them up for failure. So no big deal. We go through. We are sober as can be. I'm wearing a different dress. There's no there's there's no food insight, no alcohol in sight. Um. Amy Schumer's act was was funny, but I can't imagine how hilarious it would have been in a setting where I could have actually heard myself laugh and heard part of the jokes. So I was so uncomfortable the whole time, just like, oh my god, oh my god, this is a place to bomb. Oh my god. I couldn't believe it. I was so uncomfortable. Um, so uncomfortable. You have no idea. I just I feel for the comedian. It's the hardest craft in the world, and to be set up for not to be heard and for laughter, for you, for you as a comedian not to hear the people's laughter, for people not to be drinking drinks, for furniture to be moved, for plants, planes to be landing. It was literally to make people feel like there's three coaches on a seat to be set up like an Emirates flight on route to Milan, where it just what a disaster, but don't worry. We leave and we go to the security guy and say, hey, this person just you know, told us to park our car. And he's like, oh, no, it's valley parking. There's like a sea of thousands of No. I had to be over a thousand people, hundreds of people trying to get out of there, and we've got the babysitter's car. I mean, I said to him, please get me that person. Please get me that person who who co ordinated this for me, because she just ket me sideways. Okay, I said that. Paul's look gave me Paul's are you're canceled? Your career is over? It's no problem. This is the second event that you've gone at to on a Saturday. I think you're going to destroy everything. So let me just so then you know, he offered he tries to tip the guy and says, can we please, And I said, listen, I've just had a have had a I was a little bit miss it was a little misrepresented because now I'm an entitled Hampton's douche. Everything about it is just and I was not okay. I called the person. I was not okay until the next rarning. I don't do well in social situations. I forgot to tell you, I'm introverted in this way. I don't like to go out. I don't like so to have all this heightened activation and to like, you know, the dress, the car, the lock in the babysitter, all of it, like it just it heightened me and to feel uncomfortable. I get very uncomfortable, and I feel uncomfortable for other people like I was. I walked back. I wanted to like go on stage and like tell this audience what a bunch of you know, white entitled people we are. But it wasn't even about the audience. It was really about the way the venue was set up, in the whole thing, and it was just it was for a good charity that I will say. I can't tell you. I was shook. I woke up like sick. The next day, I just felt my body felt. I just I hold onto things and when I feel uncomfortable in some way or activated or like I was helpless and I could, I just I just felt. I don't do well in social situations. I don't know how any of you know, Like when something you're planning for it, and you you you you build it up. You're planning for it, you build it up, you do it. It's stressful and it sounds not stressful to go out, but my friends were. I mean, it was a disaster, Thank God. Could you imagine? Can you imagine? I invited Alex and Stephen Cohen who owned the Vet, who owned the Mets, and he's like the largest art collector in the world. They're good friends of mine, and by the way, they would be. But like, I don't I can't imagine setting my friends up for something it's going to be v I p and interesting and then being so embarrassed. That's the only thing that would have killed me, even when that I'd be in a coffin if I invited them and had to think about how embarrassed I was that we couldn't get ice or drinks or you couldn't hear the comedy or we were on like on a plastic coffee coffee retan table miles away from her. She can't hear us laugh that we I mean that poor opening comedian, the poor girl who opened up for Amy. I need you to come on this podcast. We need to discuss this evening. You know exactly what I'm talking about. And then that poor girl. And I messaged Amy on social meds to say like, wow, you're a warrior rock star and nothing breathes funny like no alcohol, moving furniture and being you know, on a football field where no one can hear you laugh. And she said you were there, and then she said mad respect and whatever. But so the girl, the person who set up this event, I didn't tell Amy that I was there, and Amy donated to my charity and it would have been nice to say hello to her. So the whole thing was really fun and I'm really glad I went. I can't wait for next year.