Scary Island 2: The Sh*t Show

Published Sep 9, 2022, 3:38 PM

Bethenny was so excited to go on a romantic boat vacation with her fiancé… until she saw the bathroom. Let’s just say, it was so dire that they jumped ship. 

B tells all, and teaches you how not to make the same mistake on your next vacation.

I've been traveling a bit for different reasons, personal reasons, going on a romantic trip with Paul, an amazing work trip to launch my wine in France. I like being home better, I really do. We get caught up, and I think because of pandemic and being trapped in our houses, we even more, you know, want to go and soar the friendly skies. And I'll say, as someone who can afford to travel anywhere that I want, and pretty much at any time that I want, I would rather be home. I just would rather be home with my dogs and with my own bathtub, and with my own sleep schedule, and with my own freedom. And it doesn't mean I never want to go anywhere again, doesn't mean sometimes it's winter and you get chili and you want to go experience something, or you want to do a sport. But I just have to say, there's nothing like being home. I am on the verge of saying travel is overrated. I've gotten to the point where I like travel for work because then you can just add something onto it. So if you know you have to go to France, which is very luxurious and was very fortunate for me to launch a Rose wine, then go for an extra couple of days with your child or your friend. Or I'm going to Cincinnati, Ohio. I'm going to Colorado Springs for work, so attach something to that so then you're ready gonna get tired, um and exhausted and like make the most out of that. I always love when I get an appearance in Orlando, because then it means then I'm going to do the exhausting Disney or Universal trip with my daughter. But I will say that electing to just spend so much money and travel so far, I don't think it's worth its weight. I would rather be home, um, and people say, oh, you have beautiful homes, etcetera. I would rather be in a small apartment in many cases and just having a staycation and taking nice walks. And I get activated. I get I don't like all the stuff in the past, in the unpacking and where's my toiletrees? And I lost this and I'm gonna leave that, and I can't fit into my suitcase and this bottle exploded and broke all over everything, and you know I feel that, I really really feel that. So I your skin is dehydrated, like you know, you're exhausted, you feel dirty, you get off a plane. You know what time it is. I just feel that while I will continue to travel, I'm not gonna be a hermit. I just appreciate home in the most. So if you did not get to travel, please do not feel bad, because I will say I think it's overrated. And while we're watching Instagram and all these people and these famous people on these boats, I want to tell you a story and it's not that relatable, but I still want to tell it to you. The reason it's not relatable is because it's expensive, and it was a boat. We call it a boat. You're not supposed to. I guess it's like cheesy to say yacht, but it was. I was on it. I've been on large boats before, guests of other people. So you go on a wealthy person's boat, no matter how big the boat is, and I mean boats can be hundreds of feet where they seem like home, right, No matter how big the boat is, you're on somebody else's program. The tendency is that people who rent large boats or own large boats like to be in control. They have b b c s. It's a big boat complex. So these people it's their boat, he or she who makes the gold makes the rules and they want to run the program. And being on a boat means the program. What time we're gonna leave, and what we're gonna stop on that port, and then we're gonna be there for how long? And what time do we have dinner? And what time is this going to happen? And what time do we take the jet skis off? And we have to do this and we have you know, cocktails on the bow or the back or whatever it's called. Like it's it's running. It's someone's running a program now. No matter how big the boat is, and I mean big, big, um, there's always some limitation with the bathroom size, the closet. There's motion, there's rocking. I don't have good boat karma. I was literally lost at sea for between twenty one and twenty four hours between talking in Block Island, which yould take four to six hours to get you on a boat. Um. I we almost died on a boat in Columbia on the Housewives. I had another experience that no one saw and I think that same trip with Rocky s. I do not have great boat karma. There's this is not a lie. You can ask Matt Anderson Bravo really doesn't enjoy having me on a boat. It's just bad karma, okay, um, So I don't care how big a boat is. You're on someone's program, and I don't love to be a guest. Meaning I remember my I keia apartment, my my my nineteen or twenty one hundred dollar a month New York City. I kea apartment a few hundred square feet, had one before that, there was always I think studio. I was on my own program. I woke up, I walked my dog, I went to the Delhi a. But I wanted to eat at what time I wanted to eat. I'm not a very big like every meal every day, the same meal kind of person. I don't understand why we have to decide today we're gonna eat tomorrow lunch. How the funk do I know? How would I know what I want to eat tomorrow for lunch? Now gotta make a plan with the person's chef, and you gotta be there. And of course, if you decide to get off and go into the town, you're leaving everybody and you you're not on the program because you're with a person who's a BBC A big boat complex you're supposed to be on their program. They're rich, you're not. That's the price of going on someone's boat. Okay. I don't love to be a guest in that way. I'd rather be on my own program and be on a little dinghy. So for years, when I saw my company, and you know, I always like say, like, you know, one time we'll get a boat, and paulse I was like, one time we'll do a boat, you know, And then you always price it out and you think about doing it overnight and it's a fortune. And then and that's why I like people say if it flies, fuck, if it flies, fox or floats, rent it, because having your own play in your own boat whatever, it's gonna be problems, no matter how big or small a boat is. So you always think about it. You have a fantasy, and then you're pricing at the boat for the day. It's still too expensive, and you never do it. So someone presented us with a boat trip for a trip this summer, and it was gonna be a big trip. And Paul wants to feel like he's we're being more social because whenever we go away, it's just the two of us were isolated, staring at each other at every meal, and we have a great time, and we run our own program and we travel similarly and we laugh, we have a great time. Um, traveling with kids also fairly overrated, to be honest, Like if I go along with Britain, great, if you go with a bunch of people and kids, then you're like, then you're spending money to be on their program. So that's a different story for a different time. There are certain trips for kids. Galapa goes Disney, like you know what you're getting into. You know, it's fueled by wine and cotton candy and that's what that is. But um, I digress. So we go on trips on our own and we roll nicely, but so in our minds. So it's like, oh, what if we ever did a boat? Someone presented to us a boat and I was like, you know what, let's be social and he's not social and I'm not social at all, and we're both not guests. But we'll be social because means we're going at to dinner with other people, we're talking, we're chatting, we're like, you know, and you don't think of what that really is like because then you're also like you're checking in. You're not it's not your program, it's not there program. You're paying your own way, but like you're checking in, like what are we gonna do for this? And it's the same conversations I said before, but just with other more other people. It's even better to be controlled because then one person is making a decision. In this case, everybody's got an opinion on the town, on the food, on the boat, toys, on the stuff. We were not on a mega boat. We were on a large boat for but any it's called a yacht for sure. It's it was I just know it's not relatable and I'm sorry, but it's a big boat, okay. And it was very expensive. It's definitely the most expensive trip I've ever been on in my life. So it's gonna be amazing because we're in control and you get to go to different places and wonderful. So we get on this boat and all the things I said before true, and you're planning of the meals and whatever. And it's presented when you go on a boat and you go into one else's boat. It's you get off the there there that you get unpacked. It's like miraculous, some fancy hotels do that. I like to unpack myself, but the idea of someone unpacking you is just and that you know, is wild. So you know, no one unpacks you on this boat. And and there's laundry. The thing is that, like I don't know why, but boat staffs like they they fold up your laundry and put it on, like after you wear a T shirt. So people bring carry on because they know everything's getting So so the first night of this very expensive boat, like think the most expensive hotel room you could ever imagine and multiply that times four or five. And then you're sitting on the boat in the first night and you see, like you're in your room and like not even like in a hotel room where you like to make a turn down service or someone comes in. That doesn't happen all day. Everything is the same way you left it. You left a wet towel, it's still there, like you know, days later. So the first day you're on the dinner where the like you're eating outside having dinner, and you see all this and I'm gonna delay telling you the name of the boat. I gotta think about that and the charter company because I gotta think about that. You can dm me if you want to know what boat not to rent and what charter company not to rent through that's a thought for me, just like if I want to let that go. But I'm gonna tell you the story. So you're we're sitting outside eating and we see towels and giant clothes pins holding probably like six towels like outside on this boat. Like I don't know that I want to see how the sausage gets made, Like I don't need to see like hanging laundry on a boat that we just rented. So I'm like, okay, So we're like we're gonna have to discuss that. It didn't seem like that needed to be discussed, Like I just thought, like I've never seen laundry outside in a hotel room or on a boat of like pretty much any size, you know, so unless we're living on the boat. We live on a sailboat now, and we want air dried laundry, I guess. So I'm like, okay, And you know, you don't want to be spoiled, and you're you're you're you're centered in your privilege. But the thing about me is that I will spend money I will not waste money. I take food to go. I don't over order. I don't like being ripped off. I will buy an expensive handbag or watch, but it better be high quality and last me the rest of my life. I don't like being taken. I don't like scams in hotels. I just I'm not that girl. I remember where I came from. I remember my studio apartment, I remember bouncing checks like I am not spoiled. I very much understand the value of a dollar, and I made every dollar that I have. So now I'm like, Okay, that seems strange. So then, um, we are we are told, But I'm the only one who understands that we are told. Toilet paper cannot be put in the toilet of the boat. I never heard of that before. I never experienced that before. That wasn't in the pamphlet. And I don't think I would go on any vacation where I can't use toilet paper in a toilet. So I'm start rule following, and I'm you know, luckily I do. I don't want to get into detail. I'm not a person like potty humor or talk, but I don't I I have had digestive issues. I do not have a problem. They're like, I'm not worried about this particular part except for urinating. So I am like, okay, So I have to wipe myself after I urinate and put it in a garbage can. As it turns out, this particular garbage can has a top on it has like a wooden circle that you pressed in like the side goes through. So by definition, I guess you could really really wrap and use a lot of extra toilet paper and really give yourself like a mit. But but you're like touching the outside of the thing as you're putting like your p paper in the garbage. So, by the way, note to boats that don't have toilet set work with paper, please have an open trash bin so I don't have to like touch the top. Okay. Note not that this will ever happen again. So I'm like okay. So um, Then at the end of the day, the garbage has have been like you know, taken out. So I go to bring my own garbage out. To take my own garbage, I have to forget where to take it, and I'm going upstairs and Paul's like, what are you doing? And I'm like, I'm taking my garbage at and like, and I'm thinking, like, I know how much it Like, I just don't take my garbage out of hotel rooms like the days in the double Tree that gives you free warm, gorgeous cookies, you don't take at your own garbage. So I'm trying to be relatable and not spoiled when I tell you that, Like, now I've spent money and I want to get a return of my investment. I don't want to be looking at laundry and throwing out my own toilet paper and my garbage after it. Okay, so I know what if I had to go to the bathroom for real, though I don't really have that problem because whatever. But I'm thinking, you know that not everybody's like me where they don't go that often. So I'm thinking that doesn't feel that fun. So Paul's like, what are you doing? So I tell him, you know this rule and he and you know, he's like, I'm trying to not include other people. I'm specifically not including other people. Um, so maybe we don't even say I mentioned that there is a rule on this boat that nobody can use toilet paper, and it's responded to with what the funk are you talking about? That's insane. I'm like no, And now we're on the Housewives, and now all of a sudden, I'm living in the Housewives on a boat and I'm like, no, no, no, it happened. No it didn't. It's I'm like, roll the tape, pull the fucking like, no it didn't. That did not. I'm like, yes, it did. Yes, And I got scolded by one of the members of the crew in front of other people, not in a mean way, but like somebody used the toilet in the downstairs bathroom and I'm the one who's just ping and I and one time I had to put my hand in the toilet to get out a piece of paper that I accidentally put in with peing. You know what happens um when you pee sometimes automatically wipe yourself and put it in the toilet because it's called the toilet paper. So like I made the Errow couples and saw myself on vacation in an experience that costs four or five times more than the most expensive hotel room you could in fathom staying in think presidential suite and Caesar's pat like think big. So I'm like, nowlet's touched my own urine, my urins, touched a tab of a garbage can, have taken out my own thing. I'm watching laundry, but like, what the funk is going on? So um, I don't want you to know. I'm by the way, the big major boat alerts that I've been on that are three times the size of this boat or two and a half times of really, you know, wealthy people where I'm on their program, I did not have this experience. So I'm not going to say that all boats are created equal. Okay, I'm just gonna say to you, don't envy everybody's travels, because I promise you we what I could, what we could have bought, or the Safari experience for twenty people that we could have had for what we paid. We could have stayed in the four seasons Bali or Maldeves hear me out for fifteen days in the nicest sweet possible for what wiping my myself and and putting my hand in a toilet bowl cost. So I just want you to know that I'm not only going to ever tell you the good. I'm not a person that filters myself I'm not gonna act like everything I'm doing is glamorous and fabulous, because it's fucking not. And I would literally, not exaggerating, I would rather be in so Caucus, New Jersey, in a motel six. That's not true. That's actually not true. Let me really think about it. I would rather be in Kansas City, allowed to use the bathroom, my body, my choice, than I would have to have the anxiety about this, so travel can be overrated. I did not mention that once we realized that um we were on a lavish, expensive yacht uh fishing in my own urine, that we would get off, and it was important to palm my fiance to make it clear that uh he and I decided to check into a nice hotel. And don't get me wrong, we are frustrated and still talking about the fact that it was wasted money and we don't have that time or money to waste, but particularly the time because we're long distance and being together is so important and valuable, and so I guess to the tail is to really research ahead of time. Sometimes you don't want to deal with so much planning and organizing with travel ahead of time. It's a pain in the ass, and you just think you're gonna get there and it's gonna be fine. You don't really look at a hotel him. I often I like to take bath sets, my body, my choice, and I often don't look at a hotel room has a bath and if I'm away, I want to be able to just sit in a bathtub, like I just like that, or if you don't want to wash your hair, like little dumb things, and I never look at it. Now it's on the list that I want to do that. Or some people care if there's a gym, even if it's in a day's in, Like is there a gym? I don't care about that, But oh my god, if I were a nice hotel, I love if there was a steam room or a little cheap osana, like little things that are important. Think of it ahead of time, think about asking about things like laundry or I don't know, whatever your thing is. It just we did not who the hell what everything to ask if you could flush toilet paper on a fucking toilet. But I guess now you should think about that. If you're not gonna have to go to the bathroom in an outhouse at a hotel, you're staying at so we checked into a hotel, wasted a ton of money, and the bottom line is I'd rather be home. I love home, home right now, and home is where my heart is, and home is where my toilet is. That works, so that's good too,

Just B with Bethenny Frankel

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