What are the rules? First date? Fourth date? It's a minefield.
Sex. Are you very traditional or you're somewhat be secure in your own life and body and also go with the flow. You can't seem so calculated.
I would say the latter.
Everybody said that that's fascinating. I think the rules are so archaic and ridiculous, and I think a person who's so repressed that if both people are really feeling something and it's strong, and they're adults, for like, you're not twenty two years old where you know? So I think it's different at a certain age that everyone has agreed with you, which I find shocking.
Yeah, no, I think for sure.
I mean, like you said, you were all adults, and if there's this poll that you feel, why not okay?
Amazing? Like you have not experienced that someone's going to solely not like someone because they had sex with them.
Yeah, I don't think that's I don't think that's right.
I think if you know, we have enough information about each party, I might say, you know, she's the kiss on the cheek kind of girl on the first date.
I would tell my client that, so he knows, but she might not be that night. I mean, who knows.
Right, we don't have any rules, and I don't think it really matters. I think it just depends on what you're doing, how the date's going, all those things.
How often do you see someone drinking too much out of nerves and blowing it?
It's funny.
I don't get that too often on the first date, but I've definitely gotten it on the second date.
Sometimes it's happened.
Interesting because it was going so well, people started to feel a little more comfortable on the second date, and then it's like whoa.
Sometimes it happens like recently, I set up a date and it was five o'clock and she told me that he's sucked down in martini in about three minutes, and it was five pm. And he told me he thought she'd was so beautiful, so he was no risk, and he felt like he needs the sort of you know, the confidence juice a little bit, and he's like, I ordered a glass of wine up after that and just sipped it. But she was a little turned off about how quickly they went down.
Well, I explained. I explained to.
Her that he was a little nervous because he was taken by her beauty and she was flattered.
But I don't know.
I mean, you just have to watch it, but I don't hear it that often. Actually, I feel like so many people don't. A lot of people don't even drink anymore. We typically don't set up coffee dates, but you know, there's so many mocktails and things like that you can order that, so it hasn't been an issue.
Okay, So if you Joe hires you, and he's very serious and he's good looking, and he's wealthy and he wants to meet someone, what, first of all, what's your success rate? How many people have gotten engaged and then married either like engaged and then a separate number is married.
So I don't have the exact numbers because there are people who choose to let us know. Let's say they've dated for a long time, and we sort of can be as involved as little involved as they want. And part of our whole philosophy and I think edge, is that we are very private on both sides, so we don't share pictures or last being so your privacy is protected and that's important to us. So you know, there's been people that we found out ten years later that they're married and have kids, and we like, wow, we never knew.
Oh really, yes, yes, okay.
But not too often. And I also think it depends on what stage of life. There are people who have been married once twice and they don't want to get married again. So we don't measure success by marriages because I think it's twenty twenty four and some people just don't want to get married, you know, again or for the first time. They just want to be together. But we do have a very high success rate, and I think it's partially because we only work with people that we can help. So if you come in with unrealistic expectations or the wrong intentions, we are not going to work with you.
Okay, So Joe comes to you, he is ready, he wants to commit, you believe him. How long does it usually take for that person that's a good catch. They take care of themselves, they're not a disaster. You wouldn't allow someone who's a disaster into your group. So how long is the average time it would take for you to proactively find someone for that person? What I'm trying to bridge for people who can't afford a matchmaker is like, if they proactively decide to treat it like a job, which I think that they should, if they have a sense of self, if they're happy, if they feel confident, if they're a whole person. If they're not, the pendulum isn't swinging as a rebound. So Jane is ready. She feels good, she's healthy, she's done the work, she's gone to therapy, she's over the X what. She's a solid person, she's healthy, she's fit, she's good. If she's treating this as a job. Obviously she probably has a main job, but she's treating this dating as a job. She might be going on the app asking people, she's looking at LinkedIn. She's on the case. I'm trying to bridge a gap for you're on the case for someone, and how long usually as experts, which Jane is not, how long is it usually taking you to find that person the right person? And then yeah, what the volume of dates, let's say per month they're going on?
I would say, you know, I would say, keep your outlets to a minimum, don't overwhelm yourself, and go on like you know, even though you're treating it like a job, compartmentalize it a little bit because it will be very overwhelming otherwise.
And then and you can lose taste in your mind. You can be disgusted by the whole process.
And you might start sounding like a robot.
You know, you just have the same narrative on every date, and it's not even it doesn't even feel good.
It doesn't even feel natural good.
So I think, you know, maybe say for the next three months, I'm going to do these two apps and then use my other outlets friends, family, But it may be I'm going to try to go.
On one date a week.
Okay, I think one to two, depending on again the stage of life. If you have kids and stuff like that, you maybe one. If you're single and you have work and stuff like that, maybe two.
But I wouldn't overdo it because you will exhaust yourself.
That's not unlike business either, though, people wouldn't do four business meetings in a week either.
Right, So I think it's just really setting some boundaries for yourself. But then I think it's also important to take everything your criteria and what you're looking for and expanding it a little bit more because you will get more opportunities even if it's not in your parameters. I think it's important to get out of your comfort zone a little bit because we're all creatures of habit and we tend to gravitate towards the same things, and we miss so much of the peripheral because of that.
That's a great note. Yeah, that's a great note.
And the thing is, yeah, it's like we love the same restaurant, but the restaurant next door, and they keep going to that same restaurant because it's good, it's consistent. We know the leaders, and we're always happy when we leave, but the restaurant next door is just as good, but we don't try it because we just like what we're used to do.
Yeah, you always pick up the same color lipstick and you don't try new things. And that's true too. And I've always been with the same sort of type of like concert like business guy that all. My friend Louis said to me, you've been with the same guy over and over like and he said rock stars need rock stars, which I didn't know exactly what he meant, and he doesn't mean a literal rock star, but like to think about athletes or actors or artists or something different. For me, that's that's you know, that's a yeah, leaving the comfort zone.
No, I think give yourself, you know, a timeline and don't overwhelm yourself also, you know, maybe you know it's if it's two dates a week, maybe that one date is someone that you wouldn't have necessarily chosen on your.
Own or picked because it's out of your comfort zone.
But just to try new things and at least try it, because you just never know what you're missing unless you try that new thing.
Okay, So for you, if you have that guy Joe, is it taking you six months usually to find them someone that they really like?
Like?
How long is it taking you when you're being proactive about it?
I mean, we try to do it the sooner the better, because that's the goal. Right We're not trying to send them out on twenty dates. We're trying to send them.
Out on three.
And I think in the beginning, I would say in the beginning, we have to sort of know who they are and get an idea of what they're liking and what they're disliking. Because we've talked about past relationships, we've talked about their goals and all those things. But Einstein's definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. So our job is to sort of be the expert and say you know this is going to look good on you too, not just what you've chosen in the past, but you should try this as well. So I would say again, the younger client needs a little bit more time, and I find because they're not they have more going for them and they're a little bit more unsure of what's.
Going to be in twenty directions. I don't have kids yet, they could do whatever they want. Yeah, and that well, I think what I'm saying is to me, I think it takes a while, and I think people have to be very patient to the point of earlier. So I guess it shouldn't take forever, but I don't think it should be, you know, six weeks. I think it takes months to to to if you're That's what I was trying to like get at based on that rushing.
And I think you know the way we've designed and you can set these internal timelines for yourself. You know, let's say you go out on your five first states and you happen to like one of those people a lot. You know, give yourself an internal timeline. Don't tell the person, or you can tell your friends and say, you know what, I'm going to give this relationship three months or six weeks, we're going to go out, We're going to maybe take a trip, a weekend trip together.
I don't know.
Six weeks or I would say three months is more realistic. And if I'm not feeling the poll and I really don't feel different than I do today, then I'm going to shelve it, you know, like I'm going to.
Do move on.
I think most people that I hear from on my social media and in my comments, most won't even get to the second date. That's what I think they're frustrated with that they would be thrilled to have a situation where they'd want to go away on a vacation. I'm finding that most people, myself included, wouldn't even want to go on a second date, much less, in many cases, a first date.
Yeah, well, mabe have I always tell people if they're doing the updating, maybe you'd if it's if we're talking about.
Updating, I guess even even people introducing.
I guess, yeah.
I think second dates are super important because you just never know.
What Okay, I noted. The other thing is I think, how different do you think what a fifty five year old or a fifty eight year old or a forty eight year old, a man who's divorced. He's how different is what he's looking for second time around than first chapter? Drastic? Very different. They were young, they made very different decisions, and what is that man looking for.
I think it depends if the first marriage was successful and you know, maybe she loved him, or they had a very you know, really deep connection and it was successful, but they just sort of grew apart and it became you know, just cohabitating and it was more platonic, or if it was tumultuous and volatile and all those things. I find most men want something different than their first time around. They want something like a different look, a different mindset. I have a lot of men that married young and at that time, you know, when you're young, you sort of want someone at the same level. Maybe you went to like business school together, and you have the same pedigree, and everything was just sort of the way the same way.
The corporate latter works.
It is just everything that your family wanted and that yes, we're supposed to do. And then you reached a point in your life and you're like, okay, I just married basically like my sister or the same person but female, and I'm not learning from that person anymore.
That's what I This is what I was getting at that. That was sort of getting at that because I've seen that a bit where someone's doing when you're younger, you're more impressionable. You're doing what your family thinks. Maybe it's a religious thing. You're doing what you should be marrying the person that has the same religion as you, or grew up in the same neighborhood, or the parents are friends. And people later are realizing it's their own journey, like this is this is my time on the planet, and I need to get what I want. Yeah, not my kids, cause my kids are older. I have to do this for me kind of thing.
Yeah.
So I do think in that second chapter, you know, a lot of my clients it was just good. I think a lot of people do work on themselves before they start that second chapter, because if you've been through divorce, you typically do that run yourself and your family and all those things, and you know, finding someone that compliments you is the better way to go because that relationship will lasts longer and you will sort of learn from each other. You know, you don't want to be with someone who's exactly like you.
They have that sibling thing. I've heard that before, where relationships people become siblings and like roommates.
Almost.
Yeah, Okay, FaceTime. I believe that in many cases before someone goes out and gets dressed up and takes the and does whatever, that a FaceTime is a good idea. Do you agree?
I disagree with that, Okay, I do.
I had a feeling you were going to because your process is probably not to face time.
Correct if it's a case where we feel like there's a strong connection and you really should meet and he won't do anything, you know, you can't be together for like a month or whatever, and maybe, but I even suggest a phone call is better. I think in FaceTime, you know, we're all in these zooms and face times all day, you know, for work, well most people are, and you can't make eye contact, like I'm looking at you, but you know I'm not looking at your eyes. Interesting, and I think so much of chemistry and the connection is looking into someone's eyes and even like the pheromones the field.
The chemistry that that toll that you get is.
Though okay, I don't know, I get a vibe off you I have a sense of you. I had no sense of you before I've heard of your business. I know so someone who used you. I had no sense of you, and now I have a total sense of you.
I think that's very true, but I think the romantic part of it actual.
That romantic chemistry.
But I agree with you that you can get a sense because I've interviewed clients over zoom and I'm like Guid like him. I think he's great. This is why I think he's great. I've felt a good vibe right every time I meet them in person. After either it goes even more so I feel an even more of a pull to why I think we should work with.
Him, or I'm sort of turned off.
Well, let's establish that if someone's on apps before getting in a car, that they should do a FaceTime at least on apps, because I think with you, you're curating and you're meeting both people and you know, but if someone's just navigating apps, first of all, to make sure the person's a real person, but to just get a sense, because I think people lie about their photos. You're vetting and making sure. So I'm not talking about someone at a high level paying fifty thousand. I'm talking about someone sitting on bumble they should pass. I think they should FaceTime just for self preservation, to make sure the person exists.
Yeah, I think that's fair. I would say when you can and try to meet in person, because I do feel like then both people are making the effort, they're getting dressed, they're showing up, and you can just be in a different environment and a different zone instead of sitting in your office or wherever you may be.
You know.
But and I do think it's it's better to talk on the phone or FaceTime versus texting. I think that's a huge mistake that people make. They have this whole narrative and conversation over text before.
They even meet. And I'm like, why, you know, do that after you've met.
But, by the way, that's a nightmare. And I will tell you that I have said to people and it's turned them off, and it's literally been a reason why they haven't ultimately wanted to go out with me because it's been a little abrasive. But you kind of give enough cues and then you're finally like, I'm not looking for a pen pal. Yeah, which is too aggressive to say. But if someone's staying. Some people could go weeks. I wasn't looking for new people to text, right, And I think it's such a turn off, and it's yeah, and sometimes I'll I I'm one of those high end apps in the past, I met someone over there, and sometimes they want to keep it over there, and you like want to put your phone number in the text over there in that app and be like hi, just to get over to here and then you can get to a phone call. You know, people are strange like that.
Yeah, it is weird, and I think that's those are the type of people who are tweating it like a game versus something that's serious.
So that's a red flag. There are some people that immediately it's two texts, so like Hi, would you like to set a call? And that's grown up. Yes, that's a grown up. Okay, awesome, Well you are amazing and exactly what you're doing and talking about. So and I know you have a partner, So if she has like a different point of view and different frame of reference, maybe we'll have her on sometime because we like, you know, because every person we talk to that's an expert in this space. I get excited when someone says something different that we haven't heard before. The sense of self is what you said. So I I love that.
Good.
Now, I listened to a bunch of your podcasts and they were really great. All of them have been amazing, And then I've really enjoyed.
That Oh you did, oh great. Yeah, so it's cool, you know what I mean, even for you. You're probably all listening and it becomes a toolbox for everyone. I think I call boats rise with the tide, and no one's really there really are many people talking about dating. Don't you think it's interesting like on podcasts?
One hundred percent? I think it's.
It's so like everyone wants to talk about it at a dinner party.
But on the podcast, You're right, it's they.
Talk about it in like a cheesy, junk food way, like I slept with this guy last night, I had a date, But not in a like sociological research to help people do it better way. I've heard nothing like that.
No, I agree. I think you're hitting the nail on the head. I think it's really interesting.
Awesome. Well, thank you, I appreciate you, and I can't wait to talk again.
Thanks Bethany.
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