Elite Matchmaker Barbie Adler is back for Dating Training Camp. How to reset after going all the way. PLUS: Patience means not having to reset at all.
Welcome back Barbie Adler from Selective Search. She is a matchmaker and dating expert. So we are going to get all the free information.
And not have to pay several hundred thousand dollars.
Okay, hello, Hello, Hello, So you brought up something amazing, which is so let's say you have oral sex with someone, or you have actual intercourse with someone, or your top is off or whatever your version is of something that you may not want to do again, or maybe that night you were lightheaded, you were topped off, you drank too much. How do you reset it? I know it's your body, but how do you have like those types of conversations with someone you don't know that well? So now you're having like a deep conversation about like what I want and I really don't usually do that in this.
So what are you saying?
I think that's part of the whole like conundrum, is you're somewhat setting a pattern. It doesn't have to be you don't want to have this deep conversation because that might not be appropriate either. So I think the biggest thing is there's nothing wrong with keeping it a little light, whether you're using humor or you're just being a straight shooter the next time you're with that person by being like I love that we did that, but I also want to just really get to know you and not have to be where there's expectations, and but don't use sex as a weapon where then you're making like it's just it's part of the mind playing scenario, because that is going to work against you as well. I think the biggest thing is just lead with your confidence. If you have to vent or seem insecure and be vulnerable, talk to your closest friends about that.
And there's a time and.
Place where you might want to talk to that person about it, but in person, not via text, not via phone. It's like a playful conversation like hey, that was really fun. But if you can't handle the unknowns afterwards, then it's not worth it.
I think a person's a lot to say I need to my emotions need to catch up to where my body is one hundred percent.
But that said, I'm wildly attracted to you.
I'm attracted to you because I think I kind of compliment where they don't feel like your friend z owning them is important to do that, but there's one hundred percent can say Okay, take this a compliment. What I love to just take off my clothes and you know, get with you one hundred percent. But I'm just not not yet. I want to get to know you better.
Yeah, you could also say, you could say, you know what, I actually like you, which is why I want to wait.
That's period, and you could cheer that while you're drinking saying whatever it might be, you can make it playful and cute. And it's also okay to have sex one night and then the next to say, you know what, I want to continue gangs to know you better, whatever it might be. But the biggest thing is no game playing and no using is a is a weapon.
Okay, no dangling it and not making it like it's a You signed a contract because you you did it.
Okay that that.
Yeah, people probably are like, well, you slept with me and then you didn't calm exactly. That's a great note. That's what you mean by not using it as a Oh that's a good one. Most people don't talk about that because every girl that I know has said, no, he slept with me, that I didn't hear from him for two days.
Okay, well you slept with him, right.
You're using his weapon, and now you're getting you're getting mad at him, but it was your actions and now you're playing yes, And now you're playing a game silent contract.
He didn't sign that contract, and you're acting like the victim.
When you have to realize take responsibility, be your main character and be happy, Like, don't always beat yourself up by these decisions that you make. I also think in life we learn the most important lessons through the mistakes, Like the failures, not the successes, is where the most growth happens. But actually could turn you into a kinder, better person because you have more empathy and compassion for those around you when you've happened things have happened to you in the past that you have a better understanding and deeper appreciation for it.
Yeah, okay, that's a stute.
You can't have anger in your heart for men. That does my other thing, it's.
Like, right, the whole guys suck. I hate that.
Yeah, you can't.
Guys don't as so, like when you're talking about on dates, men's and tenas are up, how are they talking about their path about the father of their children? How are they talking about the current relationship and the dynamics is there is there a lot of volatile viatility around the relationship. What am I stepping into? Am I stepping into toxic land? Am I stepping into?
Wow?
She it's peaceful, and she speaks highly about her children. She speaks highly about her former or ex or her late. The thing is is it doesn't have to eat rainbows and unicorns. But until someone knows you save the you can save more of the realness and put things into context when you have future dates, but the initial date.
Make sure that you're just speaking with warmth and love.
And even if you there's so many negative thoughts you could say about your ex, you could say, I don't speak negatively about what the bother my children. There's so many blessings that came out of that. When I know, when you're better, I'll tell you more. But just know, like so hat like I have person my kids are great and great, and just couch it where you're not lying.
You're being authentic, but you're not.
It's not a therapy session where you're venting about all the things you don't like in your life.
No, and it can be it can slip in.
It doesn't even have to be so overt as you're saying, someone asks you a question, how is it with your family? And like somehow you're on a road. You have to be like, you're in an interview. I've done this through the media. Yeah, you have to divert to something else. You're like, listen, is anything perfect? Now? He's great, it's my My daughter has a great relationship with him, and I would never say anything negative.
Yeah, and I'm happy with where him today.
And have like an elevator speech where its two sentences and it's almost like you know a gymnastics routine. You do the round off flip flops, then you stick it and you stop and you not over talk.
You just answer the question and smaya.
It's so true because I remember literally dating is like reality TV because you're the game is moving fast. You might have had something to drink, You've been asked a question. The person doesn't know you. If you're already in a relationship, it's your husb. When you could say something stupid, it doesn't matter. But you're now on a job interview and you're saying something and you're in your head about what you've just said, but you got to correct it because it's your on live television right now, So and you got to just you know, regroup so you don't fuck it up worse and people, I mean, it really happens with alcohol.
Absolutely, And that's why I went back to let's first talk about did you eat before your date? Did you take supplements or medications on an empty stomach? Because you you're nervous and you want to make sure you eat on your date. You have to know yourself like do you need a little bit of food before you go on your date and and eat like pre eater that tempe of a thing, or do you need to have a glass of wine so that you're just not so nervous and you actually a little more verbal.
Or like you're wearing something itchy and you start sweating like crazy, stuff does happen like you like your hair frizzes out. You're feeling self conscious, like stuff does happen on dates. It's like reality TV.
Yeah I've got a stomach rip.
But I think the biggest takeaway is keep it positive, keep it light.
It's not a therapy session.
And then also is how you people are aware of how you treat weight staff right so, and it's not gender specific, it's are you bossy, Are you negative? Are you complaining? It's like those little things that add up. So it's just be mindful of how you are on the day. Because it is a job interview, it's also people are being mindful. Is this someone I want to get to know and spend my precious time with. I constantly hear that type of feedback.
I can see that men get irritated when they've told you something and you don't remember because you weren't listening. I've like seen that, like, oh yeah, I mentioned it, and you just inside feel like you want to die because you missed it. They don't like that, or.
You're questioning interrogating them about who else they're dating or their love life. It's it's don't everyone has a pass and everyone should be quality dating until you meet the right person that you choose.
To be exclusive with.
So the biggest thing is don't talk about who you're dating or go into the whole thing. Just enjoy who you're with, knowing that everyone has had a pain and it's okay if they're dating, but they're going to feel on the defense if you're just pressing questions.
Right like you like them and you're asking them about who else they're dating on the date, like let them they're dating, like you're dating, so they could sleep with four other people.
It's like you're just meeting them.
You're just meeting them, and they don't owe you anything.
But the biggest thing is use your opportunity to shine and be playful and be so interesting and captivating that they don't remember anybody else, no matteryone else they're dating, because at the end of the day, you always think you remember how that person makes you feel and how you feel by your experience. It's not what you the words are initially what you say. It's more about how do I feel when I'm with this person, and how does like the vibe that you get from that experience, Like oh my gosh, like that, I feel so good about myself and wow, like I really like her, I want more, Like I'm just interested by her.
I had something recently that happened, And ninety nine point nine percent of the time, if I leave something in business, it's the same way that I walked into it. And I've seen the people who come in with the greatest integrity and seem like the most prince charming class acts exit with a whimper, like really just cowardly enders of relationships. Even if you've ended it, they've ended it. Just the way they act is so small picture and I've seen it and it's just like it could you could have. It could be the most amazing Michelin star meal, it could be a ten year relationship, and the way it ends, you're just like, wow, that's so Recently, there was someone who liked me. They made it very clear that they liked me, and I don't want to It was borderline love bombing. There was like an expectation that I was supposed to be responding in the same way that they were speaking to me, and it was a little bit like drippy for me, and I just wasn't. I don't like that feeling of feeling like I have to like say something back that I don't feel.
And I just don't like that.
So anyway, the person was a lovely person and they were very forthcoming about how they liked me. And instead of texting, and I don't know them that well, I've only been on the phone with them maybe once or twice, I called them up and I just said, you know, I don't think.
It's a fit.
It could be you, it could be me, it could be where I am right now. I just don't feel like this is a fit. I don't want to lead you on. I know you like me, and I just don't want you to waste any time. I said it in a more eloquent manner, but it was like that, and he said, you are a lady.
You are a class act.
Like I was literally dumping him, and he was like, you are a class act. I've never had someone call me. The fact that you didn't text me. We don't really know each other that well. And I said, well, I have a personal rule that if I if someone turns you off, like right in the very beginning, you can just blow them off and ghost them. But if I feel like someone's been a kind, thoughtful, respectful person and I know how they feel about me, I'm going to take responsibility for not only my feelings, but theirs and the guy someone I work. I thought it was too much, but actually sent me like flowers to say thank you for the way you handle that. I thought it was nice.
Look, I think how you closed the door is so important because even though he's not for you, the fact that he recognized and complimented you. You might think of him for somebody else, knowing like, wow, what a gentleman.
By the way I thought of it already exactly and vice versa, and also reputation.
You might think of someone for you because you didn't make a white lie and say I'm back with the boyfriend or I'm dating somebody else or it's like those type of things bite you. And it's so much better to be to end on a class act and just kind of wow as you're you know, with a beautiful bow by being like you're awesome. I just don't feel like our spark has grown, but I wish you the best of luck, and whoever's with you is like a lucky person and be just a class act about it. And that speaks folumes about you and your security and the fact that it was so well received by him and that he didn't say whatever and he allowed himself to be vulnerable and compliment you just speaks volumes that he's a nice guy, but maybe not for you.
There's a lid for every pot could be for somebody.
Else, right, And also basically like you know, do unto others think about how we feel and we're twisting in the wind. Like, don't twist people in the wind. And the other thing is the second best answer is no, maybe is the worst for us, it's the worst for them. So if you put it out into the universe like and do that, you know that's what you expect.
Way kinder.
I mean we always you know, women complain with they are ghosted, but then they ghost just as much.
Totally.
I think the biggest thing is treat people how you want to be treated, and that maybe more people will learn the lesson, like, oh, that's how you're supposed to do it.
But it has to start somewhere.
And I always encourage people that if it's not the right connection, to close a loop.
And it's hard.
Some people don't want to hurt someone's feelings and it feels hurtful, but it is so nice to close the loop, have the closure, and it brings that other person so much closer to finding their person that then they're like, wow, I'm setting a different kind of text and saying, oh my gosh, when can I see you next. I have clients that we talk about packing patients that were so anxious and now they're a relationship and they're like, I feel like the luckiest person because I did.
I waited for the right person.
I love that. I don't think anyone's talking about the patients. No one talks about the patients. Everyone I'm ready, I want to. I mean like, I think the patience is critical because otherwise you end up buying the wrong thing and then you wait. Then you literally could take yourself off the market for years and then be like, why did I do that? It's the car I talked to you about getting in the wrong car. I think it's huge.
What happens is society pushes you, that wants you to get into another relationship quick, and then you feel bad that you're not, Like, what's wrong with me?
I'm not I don't I'm not with anyone.
So then you feel like other people are judging you because you're not with someone, and it's such a couple society you live in. That then you feel like, I can't go up with my friends because I'm not a wee, and then you make bad.
Decisions the holidays and then Valentine and all.
That, and then you realize, Okay, now I'm in a full fledged relationship with the wrong person. But my friends are happy, my family's happy. But if you're not happy, it's not worth it. And by the way, your friends might be like, what is she going to lose that person that's not her guy?
So don't lie to yourself.
Just be true to yourself and be Sometimes the best relationship is just the one you're making with yourself, and realize that in the meantime is such it could be such a happy place.
It doesn't have to be doom and gloom.
It could be I'm in the era where I'm doing what brings me joy and happiness. It maybe because with somebody else, I'm gonna be, you know, get in great shape for myself, not for anybody else.
I'm gonna do things to bring me joy. And then when you feel.
Love about yourself, that is going to be a magnet to somebody else because they're gonna pick up on your happy energy knowing that, Oh my gosh, she's so interesting. Right.
How often do you see a woman goes out with a great guy. You've set them up with a great guy, it's teed up for success and the woman fumbles the ball like she had it going good, and the guy's like, wow, that would have been How often what percentage do you see this is for my women out there, because I bet you this is a real number. How often do you see women fumbling the ball it's theirs to lose?
I think it's real. I think I would say a good thirty percent. I mean I see it ongoing. Where someone connects the dots inaccurately is quick because they listen to their friends and their critics, either in their mind or their friends that haven't been single in a very long time and are giving them more advice. Where are there, like I said, it could be through alcohol or an unhealed heart where they're leading with their insecurities versus is everything that's beautiful about them.
And you're trying to clean up the damage because then the guy's like, no way, I don't want to deal with this, and then the girl's calling you. He's not calling me, and you're like The takeaway is that women don't realize by catastrophizing, by being in their own head, by making up scenarios, by crowd sourcing information sometimes from archaic sources that dated and you know, the the eighties, that we are self sabotaging because you're saying you've seen it about thirty percent of the time where you have teed somebody up. They've got a great guy, you got the woman and the guy, and the woman blows up the deal because of either drinking, over sharing, catastrophizing, panicking too much texting, or being a disaster.
That's the other thing I always say to it to people like sometimes because they don't have the patience, they'll run to an app, they'll quickly get on with an unhealed heart, and they'll just start dating volume like a Vegas buffet. Oh, now they're needing all the you know, any kind of equality of man that and they already just met them when they or not in a good place to meet this person, and they didn't.
That's not what they should be doing. They should be first working in no.
And then you can get in your own head too, Like a person who's had a bunch of bad golf games or matches is not his head gets messed up. So if you go and you're not prepared to go date, and you start just blindly dating as a value business, you might get in your head and think think it's you, no guy likes you, You're not getting anyone to call you back, and then you don't want to do it anymore because you just think you're bad at it, but it might because you weren't ready one hundred.
Percent, and so now you don't have the bearer's entry or low because you could go on an app and meet someone, but you set yourself up for a failure because you're not emotionally ready or something about that you're not you're the best version of yourself. So that's why it's better to wait and be patient and make sure that if if you're a ten, you could be looking for a ten. If you're a four and you want a ten, work on yourself so you are the map energy what you're looking for in return. It's almost like if I was a stock, what I bet on myself? What I pick myself? And if you're like, no, I wouldn't because I have these things I have to work on. Make sure that you work on them both internally and externally to be the person that you want to be with.
From what I'm hearing Barbie saying, Okay, you're ready to date or you want to meet someone, then you decide, Okay, what do I need to do to get ready because I'm going to the super Bowl. Like I'm going to the super Bowl, I'm going to put myself out there and I'm going to meet amazing men. I'm going to have a quality versus quantity models.
So what are the rules.
I want to get myself in emotional shape. I want to know my plan ahead of time, meaning I'm not going to drink too much. I'm not going to overshare. I'm going to be a full person. I'm going to be feeling fit, feeling healthy, dressed for the occasion. I'm not going to overdate. So I get exhausted and miserable, and then you're going to step up to the you know, to the plate or show up to the game. I think that's great, and people don't do that. You're preparing for dating.
I think if you think about it professionally, everyone knows there needs to be a strategic game plan of what you need to do to be successful professionally in the real world. But when it comes to your personal life, you have no plan, no strategy, and no one teaches these type of skills that literally it's a skill.
You have to realize that it does take preparation.
We put more preparation in you know, throwing a dinner party, or in you know, what our betting is going to look like then we do in our hearts in terms of what we're looking for. And I think the biggest thing is silencing the noise, doing an audit of your own self, realizing, let be honest with yourself, what do I need in a partner?
What am I looking for? And am I ready physically, emotionally mentally?
What do I need to do? Do I have to say no to work more? Do I need to create get a babysitter for the kids. But you do need to create a game plan of what you need and that does include, like you said, physical health, emotional health, knowing your limit when it comes to alcohol, knowing what you need to do before the date, and knowing like listen to yourself in terms of okay, am I happy? Happy with myself? And if am I gonna project to others? And if you're online, you don't want to. You know, you're looking for something really really specific, And there's four of those online.
Don't meet them all until you know, like do one at a time.
And we're saying this, yeah, exactly, be prepared the temperature, How am I being received?
Is this going well? Already just blowing it up?
And then you're gonna have battle fatigue, and you're gonna have a negative attitude and it'll continue.
I agree, Barbie, that was amazing, so much good information, like different information too.
It's like training