In an age when loneliness is more pervasive than ever before, genuine connection may feel out of reach for you. But what if community and closeness are nearer than you thought? Our guest, Cindi McMenamin, will help you view feelings of aloneness not as obstacles to growth, but as opportunities to draw closer to the heart of God. God did not create us to live in isolation. Journey with the Lord from aloneness to abundance, and flourish as you deepen your relationships with God and others.
Hi friend, thanks so much for downloading this podcast and I hope you hear something that will edify, encourage, enlighten and get you out there into the marketplace of ideas. But before you listen and before you go, let me tell you about this month's Truth tool. It's a classic. It's written by doctor Josh McDowell and was updated by his son, Doctor Sean McDowell. It's called More Than a Carpenter and I love this classic book. There's about 15 million copies in print around the globe right now, and what this powerful book does is answer some of the basic questions that are being asked constantly by people who are seeking, who want to know who Jesus is. Questions like, Jesus had to be a liar, a lunatic, or he's exactly who he said he was, which is Lord, how do I put science in relationship with my faith? Ah, the Bible records reliable. Who would die for a lie? And isn't there some other way besides Jesus? Those questions and more are answered in this wonderful book called More Than a Carpenter. It's yours for a gift of any amount. When you financially support in the market with Janet Parshall, ask for your copy of More Than a Carpenter. When you call 877 Janet 58. That's 877 Janet 58 or go to in the market with Janet parshall.org for a gift of any amount. We'll give you a copy of this Christian classic that will help you know the answer. So in turn you can go and tell somebody who Jesus is. 877 Janet 58 877 Janet 58 or go to in the market with Janet parshall.org. And while you're there, consider becoming a partial partner. Those are people who give every single month at a level of their own choosing. They'll always get the truth tool. But in addition, my way of saying thank you is offering you a weekly newsletter that includes some of my writing and an audio piece just from my partial partners. So again, 877 Janet 58 or online at in the Market with Janet parshall.org ask for your copy of More Than a Carpenter and now please enjoy the broadcast.
Here are some of the news headlines we're watching.
This time the conference was over. The president won a pledge.
Americans worshiping government over God.
Extremely rare safety move by a.
Major in 17 years. The Palestinians and the Israelis negotiated every idea is not new.
Hi friends, thank you so much for spending the hour with us on in the market with Janet Parshall. And we're going to tackle a subject that just about all of us, if we're being completely transparent and honest, have dealt with with some time or another. In fact, maybe you're joining me today, square in the center of the topic we're going to be talking about. And that's the subject of loneliness. That's different than solitude, by the way, and we'll talk about that later in the broadcast. But the writer Thomas Wolfe made this observation. He said, loneliness is and always has been the central and inevitable experience of every man. So Wolfe, I think, was right in noting it's part of the human condition. Albert Schweitzer said, we are all so much together, but we are all dying of loneliness. So loneliness is a reality. And you and I have to figure out what we can do with what's now being called the new loneliness. We are in a post-Covid world, and. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. If you didn't know what loneliness was before, you certainly experienced it in the middle of the forced confinement that so many of us had to experience during those difficult days. So we're going to talk about it, but we're going to offer you some hope, because our conversation is based on a new book called The New Loneliness Nurturing Meaningful Connections When You Feel Isolated. And the author of that book is going to be our guest this hour, Cindy McMenamin. She is an award winning writer and national speaker. She's ministered to women for nearly 40 years. She has written over 17 books, including When Women Walk Alone. There's over 160,000 copies of that book out there. And when a woman overcomes life's hurt, she's a Bible teacher. Her passion is to help women strengthen their walk with God and their relationships. And you can learn more about her at strength for the soul. Strength for the soul. And so roll up your sleeves. We're going to think critically and biblically and compassionately about a topic that affects oh, so many people. So, Cindy, the warmest of welcomes. Thank you so much for being here. I'm going to guess that if you write a book called When a Woman Walks Alone, you couldn't help but intersect with the subject of loneliness. And that, in part, was the genesis, if not the birth pangs of the new book that you've written called The New Loneliness. If the answer to that question is yes, tell me about the intersection between the two.
Okay, I will do that. Thank you. Janet. Um, When Women Walk Alone was all about those alone times in our lives and how those can be doorways to discovering a deeper relationship with God. I didn't talk so much about relationships with others because at the time that book came out, and of course, they're still relevant information in there today. We need to be close to God. But, um, that book came out 20 years ago, and I met with my editor and publisher, and it just happened to be the day after the U.S. Surgeon General declared a new epidemic of loneliness. So this was mid 2023, and we got on that topic and my editor said, Cindy, if you were to write When Women Walk Alone today, would you write it any differently? And I said, absolutely, because there was no social media 20 years ago when I was talking about the aloneness in our lives. There was no post Covid isolation habits where we become more comfortable talking or in front of our devices than with people and talking to people with a screen between us. And there was no ultra reliance on high tech to where we automatically these days, seem to consult Google before we consult God. So we are living in this era in which we're supposed to be more connected than ever through social media, through the internet, through AI buddies. But Statistics show we are lonelier than we've ever been before.
Yeah. Let me pick up. And I'm so glad you write about this in the book. And I you just noted it in our conversation as we start here today. I being in Washington, D.C., I have to tell you, when the surgeon General put out that idea that loneliness was really almost at a pandemic level. I thought, what is he observing? What is he seeing that caused him to make that kind of a problem? And more importantly, if you're a surgeon general, you want to offer the antidote. Right. And I thought government can't do that. Immediately, I knew that the person who's going to answer that is God. It's not going to be the Surgeon General with all due respect to that office. But if it's risen to the level where a government official says we've got a problem, it just makes you wonder what he saw looking over the landscape. And I think you just answered that question because we've got the Covid experience now where loneliness, if you've never felt it before, you certainly experience, then we've got this paradox, this upside down world with technology where we've got friends and likes and thumbs up and community. And it's all artificial intelligence and a screen. It's the last thing I remember, Leo Buscaglia talking about the need to look into that pair of warm brown eyes. There are no warm eyes on the other side of that screen. And so while we think we're living in community through devices, it's a false reality. So that is it's amazing. And I that's I'm glad that he observed it, but I'm ten times more grateful that you've observed it because the antidote here is going to be God. And you talk about that. You start out the book exactly where I want to go, which is I think we have to start with the lexicon, which is understanding that we're all on the same page. Tell me what how you would define loneliness. And then you talk in the book about the different kinds of loneliness. But is loneliness something that's self identifiable, or does someone have to point out the fact that maybe what you're experiencing is loneliness?
You know, we all, um, there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Um, we can be in a room full of full of people. So therefore we are not technically alone, but we can still feel very lonely, like nobody understands the way I'm thinking. Nobody's been where I've been. And I point out in my book that loneliness has always been among us as humans. As long as we're looking for something outside the realm of what God already offers us in relationship with him, as well as with in the body of Christ. And so as we we go through life trying to answer certain questions inside or thinking, you know, if I if I discover my purpose, then I won't be lonely. If I know what I'm doing, if I stay busy, if I get married, if I have lots of kids, if I'm happy. None of that can address that soul hole, of course, for that deep communion with God. And I said deep communion with God because I realized as I interviewed women for this book, as well as looked into studies that others have found that we can believe about God. Believe in our heads about God, but not really trust him with our everyday lives and know who he is and that he is the answer to any problem that we encounter. Statistics on anxiety and depression and even suicidal thoughts are in the church as well. Yes, this is not just secular society. This is many people who who who claim to believe in God as well and even have a relationship with him. So some there's a disconnect in there somewhere.
Absolutely. Oh, this is going to be a great conversation, Cindy. Thank you for the way you've started this. Cindy McMenamin is with us. Her brand new book is called The New Loneliness. Subtitled is important nurturing meaningful connections. When you feel isolated so you understand it isn't. If you feel when you feel isolated because no one is immune here. More with Cindy right after this. Jesus was either a liar, a lunatic, or he's Lord. How can we know for sure? That's why I've chosen more than a carpenter as this month's truth tool. Everyone wants to know who Jesus is, get the answers to questions people ask so that you can know and tell someone who he truly is. As for your copy of More Than a Carpenter, when you give a gift of any amount in the market, call 877858. That's 877858 or go to in the market with Janet parshall.org. Cindi McMenamin is with us. She's an award winning writer and a national speaker who's ministered to women for decades. Her newest book is called The New Loneliness Nurturing Meaningful Connections with God and Others. You break down the book in three different areas. You talk about reconnecting with God, reconnecting with your heart, and reconnecting with others. And as time allows, excuse me, I want to dig into all three of those areas, but I want to linger at the 35,000 foot just a wee bit if I can. Cindy. And early on in the in the book, you identify three different types of loneliness. I think this is important. Can you explain those to our friends?
Yes. The first one is the loneliness of anxiety. We all worry about things now and then, but in many situations and many times that worry can cross the line into fear and full blown anxiety. And I talk about how knowing God is with us can be an integral factor in dealing with those imaginations we have about the future, and anything that might cause us to be anxious about applying prayer and experiencing God's peace. And then I talk about the loneliness of shame. That is huge. It is widespread. Uh, we hear that, uh, not only that inner critic of maybe ourselves or voices from our from our past, but we can also, I think, hear the enemy's whispers saying, you are a failure. You call yourself a yourself a Christian and yet you do this. Why would God want anything to do with you? And that chapter focuses on realizing God is not only with us, but he is for us, that he has covered our shame, that we are new in him. And then I also talk about the loneliness of suffering and loss, and how when we understand why we are here, when we understand God has much bigger purposes in our life than just for us to be comfortable and happy, then we can get a glimpse of our purpose and our destiny in glorifying God through whatever happens. And those are areas, you know, anxiety and shame and suffering and loss that can make us feel extremely lonely if we don't realize who is with us, who is for us, and who has a reason why we are in the circumstances we are in.
Yeah. Wow. Early on, again, you talk about doing an assessment, a personal assessment. In fact, you actually put in the book an opportunity to for the reader to do a self-assessment test to see how likely they are to be affected by loneliness. Now, I encourage people to do that when they get the copy of the book The New Loneliness, but just walk me through as an overview of what this assessment is like. Is it reliable from your vantage point? And in the end, by the time the reader has taken this assessment, what do you hope their takeaway will be?
Well, I divide that assessment into three sections so the questions don't become predictable so people don't go, I know what she's getting and I know what the answers need to be. I need to be all yes, on this one. They're yes and no statements. And one of them deals with the first the situations in the first section of the book. Um, yes or no statements like I spend more time with in-person friends than with online friends I've never met. Or I try to make new friends according to the season of life I'm in, or I don't feel the need to have to be around people, or I feel secure in who I am and why I'm here. The first section kind of gets at where we are with God. And if we're maybe looking outside that realm of the relationship with God in order to feel complete, to feel less lonely. The second section of the assessment just kind of deals with some maybe personal issues or wounds we have in our life, and it helps us get a look at our heart. And just by looking at some of the statements, we can get an idea of maybe, uh, those areas in which we need to bring before God. Statements like I keep myself guarded so people won't judge me. Yes or no? Um, I could spend more time with God and others if I weren't so busy. I'd been hurt by friends. So I'm very cautious about trusting others. And then the third section of the assessment deals a lot with our, um, our on screen time, uh, as opposed to in-person time, but also with, uh, where we are with God. Some of those questions or statements are. Very few of my friends, family or friends are among our strong believers. Sometimes when we have very few believers connected to us, we can be lonely or the idea of meeting new friends feels exhausting. I rarely get together with friends outside of work. I feel awkward around people because of my personality quirks. Things like I would take more initiative with my friends, but I often feel like I'm bothering them. So these these statements get at at who we are and and how we think. And sometimes I've had some people say even as I took the test, I realized I'm more lonelier. I'm more lonely than I realized when I looked at those statements and saw where I was.
Wow. Wow. Thank you for the assessment. It's an important place, I think, for people to start. So then once you discover it isn't to get you discouraged depending on how this assessment turns out, but it's to it's to recognize where you are at and how you can move forward. This might be a good place. You said something earlier that I thought was very insightful. Cindy, you talked about the difference between being lonely and being alone. So what is the difference between loneliness and solitude?
Well, solitude, I believe, is something we all need now and then to to grow in our relationship with God. Now I'm a people person. I'm an extrovert. I get re-energized around people, but I still need alone time with God to be able to get quiet, to hear his voice. Now, when solitude turns to isolation, where I intentionally keep people at a distance and don't let them get in emotionally, that's when it begins, begins to be a problem. I was telling my husband, I said, you know, I guess we weren't all designed to be, you know, I said, what about the monks? You know, they stay there in that monastery. They want isolation. He isolation, he says. Even the monks, there is a community. It's never just them alone. But they have their other brothers or sisters there in in the monastery. And so I think we have to be aware that we all need time alone with God. Married couples need time alone together without the children. Uh, but we sometimes need one on one time with certain friends. But it's when that, uh, becomes isolation that it's dangerous.
Yeah, absolutely. Cindy, when we come back, I want to now look at the way in which you break this down. The mandate, the need, the healing factor of connecting with God, of reconnecting with your heart, of reconnecting with others. That's what you do in the book, is break that down, because this is really a book about hope. By the way, the book is called The New Loneliness Nurturing Meaningful Connections with God and Others. Cindy McMenamin is with us, an award winning writer and a national speaker ministering to women for decades. More with Cindy right after this. We're visiting with Cindy McMenamin. She's an award winning writer and a national speaker who ministers to women. Her new book is called The New Loneliness. And we're going to look at ways in which now we can learn to reconnect. You start out and by the way, I'm quite sure that you put these in a specific order on purpose, because if we don't start out by reconnecting with God, the other seems to be exercise in futility. But for the believer, it's paradoxical in some respects, Andy, because, well, God doesn't walk away from us. He made the statement declaratively that he would never leave us or forsake us. So how can there be a disconnect unless it's we that walk away because God doesn't walk away.
Right? Right. We're the ones that tend to leave the relationship. We're the ones that tend to look for something else outside the realm of what he offers. Right. Scripture says I'll never leave you, nor will I ever forsake you. But if we are not constantly in the word, if we're not constantly, um, taking that time to be alone with God, to get quiet enough to hear his voice, to on our hearts, to to be in his word, to know more about his character. We can so easily begin to live life forgetting about that spiritual realm and getting caught up in our problems, and then being aware of our loneliness. And it's very much about us and what I need. And we've we've strayed from that whole purpose. We were created to love God and enjoy him forever and live in a community with others and thrive as we glorify God.
Wow. So exactly how do we do that? Because this is where you where you break down the three kinds of loneliness, anxiety, shame and suffering. Yes. How? As we reconnect with God, does he eradicate all of that? Our sense of anxiety or worry or fear, our sense of shame self-condemnation our sense of we can't understand loneliness and loneliness or suffering rather. Really and truly exacerbates loneliness. Because when you suffer, the reality is very often you suffer alone. You can get people who support and pray for you, but suffering is very much of a singular experience. So talk to me about how God intersects in our lives in those three areas.
Yes, I had one person tell me once a long time ago as I was discipling her. She says, you can't put a spiritual Band-Aid on on everything. And I thought, yes, but we are spiritual people and we have problems here and there. We live in this world that's fallen and there's going to be hurt. There's going to be suffering. There's going to be loss. Yet we don't just look to God to answer it and solve it. We see him as the answer. And I've had to, in my own life, in my own hurts, in in my own situations. In the first chapter of the book, I talked about how I am not prone to anxiety. I've written books on how not to worry, but it can creep in rather subtly if we are focused on our circumstances rather than the one who is in control of them. And I've had to learn in my own life to just take it to God in prayer immediately. God knows what's going on, but he wants the relationship. He wants us to talk with him about it. And with any relationship, that relationship has to grow. Is God suddenly going to solve your problems? No. But you're going to begin to grow in a relationship as you understand who he is and what he's capable of. And that ends up changing our priorities and giving us a huge paradigm shift. Um, when? When I'm discipling a very young believer. Um, many times they want answers instantly. But as they become aware of a daily growth in a relationship with God, um, sensing his presence everywhere, they are realizing that this isn't just a Sunday church thing. This isn't just my 15 minute quiet time thing. This is a relationship that I take through every day of my life. And God's with me, and he's for me, and he's got a reason why I'm here, and I want to obey him in that way.
So I can see where the disconnect comes in. Because if you're filled with anxiety, you can't possibly be trusting him. If you're filled with shame, you're not listening to the reality that says, now, therefore, those who are in Christ Jesus, there is no condemnation. And if you're dealing with the loneliness of suffering and loss, you fail to fail to recognize that he is acquainted, acquainted with all of our sorrows, and he weeps with us. So, in other words, are those emotions I would see as a catalyst for moving away from God and keeping us away from his promises. And he keeps his promises all the time. So how do we take those? It's every one of us will deal with anxiety, shame and suffering. How? When we're in the midst of any of those three, what do we do to move closer to press into God rather than pull away from him?
I found in my own life and also in the lives of other women, as I've talked with them about how they can best deal with things. We have to begin to focus on the facts of who God is, the facts of his character, rather than our feelings, because our feelings can change according to our circumstances. And the facts about God are that he will never leave, that he is sovereign. He is in control of all things, that he can cause these things to work for good. When we surrender them to him, and that good is he can make us more like Jesus through them. So, you know, we can instantly, you know, I'm feeling a certain way. And then we have certain expectations of God that he's going to respond a certain way. And then if we pray to a certain extent and God doesn't do what we ask, again, our feelings can take us down that dark road of despair where we need the light of truth shining on the character of God and who he is to pull us back out of there. And when I begin to become anxious, I have to immediately take that to God in prayer and claim his promise from Philippians that to be anxious about nothing but in everything, with prayer and supplication and thanksgiving to God, to make my request known. And then the peace of God passes all understanding and guards my heart.
Amen and amen. When we come back, let's talk about reconnecting with your heart. Cindy McMenamin is with us. She's an award winning writer, a national speaker, written over 17 books, by the way, and her latest is called The New Loneliness. Nurturing meaningful connections. When you feel isolated again, you can learn more about Cindy by going to her website. It's on our information page. Strength for the soul.com. That's strength for the.com. I hope you're hearing something today that really encourages you, particularly if you find yourself lonely right now. Back with Cindy after this. Let me give a big shout out to our partial partners. Thank you. Friends, partial partners are becoming the backbone of this ministry. They're generous. Monthly gifts allow us to provide relevant, compelling programming every day. When you become a partial partner, you will receive private emails directly from me. A weekly audio message only. You will hear a special behind the scenes updates as well. Become a partial partner today by calling 877 Janet 58 or go to in the market with Janet parshall.org. If you're just joining us, Welcome. We're visiting with Cindy McMenamin. She's an award winning writer national speaker. Ministers to women has been doing that for years, by the way. She's a Bible teacher who loves to help women strengthen their walk with God and their relationships. You can learn more about Cindy by going to strength for the soul.com. She joins us today because she has a brand new book entitled The New Loneliness Nurturing Meaningful Connections When You Feel Isolated. And if you've missed any of this, but you'd like to get the conversation in its entirety, just go to your favorite place to find a podcast and download in the market. With Janet Parshall. It's as easy as that. We do this two hours every day. All of our audio is held in our audio library for a year, so any program you've missed within the last year from today's calendar date, it will be there waiting for you in the market with Janet Parshall. So let me continue. We've talked about reconnecting with God, and really it's us who steps away and we turn our back on the promises he's made of dealing with issues like suffering and shame and anxiety. Now we have to talk about reconnecting with your heart first before we get into this. And you've got some excellent, um, encouraging steps for us to take. What do you mean when you say reconnect with your heart?
You know many times that we are we are wounded and we're all broken in this life, right? We all. We all need a savior. We've all been hurt. We've all experienced some sort of betrayal or abandonment at some point in life. And if we haven't, we probably will. And I, I call this section reconnect with Your Heart because as we are aware of some of these things, we can bring them before the Lord and say, Lord, take inventory of my heart. Show me the ways in which I'm not trusting you to heal me through your word, through your promises, through your character, through who you are. Show me the ways in which I'm still holding on to insecurities. Show me the ways I'm looking for affirmation Somewhere other than in who I am in your eyes. And that's a huge one when it comes to loneliness.
100%. All right. So you talk about the problem of comparison with other people and how there really is a loneliness with that. Does the loneliness come and forgive me if this is a rudimentary question, but I really want to flesh this out. How can I experience loneliness if I'm busy saying, well, they have the bigger house, the bigger car, the bigger checkbook, she's thinner, she's prettier, etc. fill in the blank. How does that generate in me? Not just a sense of covetousness, which is an old fashioned term, but I think it's also very appropriate. But how do I experience loneliness when I'm looking over the fence?
Because that comparison makes us feel inadequate and we somehow feel left out. And it comes down to expectations of God. And I've heard I've seen many women, you know, start in that place where life's going great, and then they don't get what they expected. Or they've got a friend, and their friend isn't walking with God, and their friend seems to have more than they have. And they get a little disillusioned with God, and they find themselves feeling lonely, feeling left out, having less friends because people don't want to be around other people who are maybe negative, or making comments that imply that they're jealous. And that whole I need to be as good or have as much as somebody else can, can not only, uh, I want to say like repel us from people. Um, but it can it can make us be absorbed with self. And that is a very lonely place to be.
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's well said. So you say that the antidote is to develop a servant mindset. How does that work?
Well, when we're looking at what other people have and feeling inferior or that we lack something. If we're looking at how well our girlfriends or other women do things. If we're scrolling through social media, seeing everybody's highlights and we're we can, I think, in human nature begin to think, oh, poor me, or when's God going to give me my share? And I encourage women, I have to do this in my own life too, to develop a servant mindset. Like, how can I pour into others? How can I help build them up? Because it's a way of getting our minds off of ourselves and then pouring into others. That's how we begin to live our purpose in Christ. And it changes. It gives us a paradigm shift. It changes our perspective. We're not so concerned about us because then we're focused on how we can help somebody else. And it's one of those when what goes around comes around things. I think as we begin to focus on, you know, how can I help that person instead of just promote myself? How can I celebrate with her instead of being jealous? Um, As we make those decisions to be more of a servant, to be more of a cheerleader than a critic. It changes our way of thinking. And I think it changes our trajectory, and it gets us more focused in the way that God wants us to be. We often talk about aligning yourself with the priorities that God wants us to do. That's a realignment right there. I'm not going to be aligned towards self. I'm going to now realign and be others focused rather than self focused.
Wow. That's excellent. Now you said something earlier and you really fleshed this out in this particular part of the book, which is you can be busy, but you can also be lonely. And some people might be thinking, well, that's ridiculous. If you're going all the time, you're interacting with the world around you. So how in the world can loneliness emanate out of that? It seems to me that when you dig deeper to the core of that, there's got to be a lack of a sense of purpose. So busyness doesn't necessarily give you a sense of purpose. Talk to me about that.
Yes.
Okay. So a lot of times we make sure make sure that we're busy so we have something to do. I know some women who want something to do all the time so they don't have to feel their pain. Mhm. Um, people will lose somebody and they'll get real busy so they don't have to take the time to grieve. Um, I lost my mom this last May. I cleared my schedule because I was worried. If I don't grieve this loss, then these feelings, this sorrow, the grief will one day topple me like a tsunami when I least expect it. And you know, we sometimes have to give ourselves permission to just, again, reacquaint ourselves with our purpose. What is my purpose? My purpose is to glorify God. And how can I do that? In this situation in which I've lost my mom, I can now focus on who he is and the good things and the precious things he allowed as I had to watch her die. I can now learn from this and pour into others when they're in a similar situation of losing someone or having lost someone. So with busyness, we can easily prioritize our productivity over other people. And I really believe if we want to intentionally grow in our relationship with Christ, we have to intentionally take time to be with God. If we want to grow in our relationships with people, we have to be deliberate and intentional in those relationships. And too many of us are saying, I'm too busy to have friends. I'm too busy to do anything socially. Um, yeah. Our work can't be our best friend and our activity can't. We need those relationships in our life to support us and to pour into us as well.
Yeah, that's so well said. Well, now, let me only in deference to time, because I could linger in every one of these sections. Uh, talk to me about the idea of mistrust and transparency. I remember reading a book years ago entitled The Problem of Transparency in the church. And we've got and it's a bigger problem. I sense my $0.02 from the peanut gallery is that this is oftentimes a bigger problem in the church than it is at the culture writ large. And it's because in the church, the presupposition erroneously, is you've come to faith in Christ, and because old things pass away and all things become new. Now you've got the perfect marriage, the perfect kids, the perfect household, perfectly dressed, perfectly balanced checkbook, etc. and you don't dare tell anybody that their struggles in your life, in your marriage, with your kids. Because somehow that idea of perfection, because I'm a new creature in Christ, is just blown out of the water. There's also that while I was transparent once and it cost me everything, I was betrayed, I was wounded, etc., right? So this is particularly for the the introspective. How do we get someone to draw near to God and to really reconnect with the heart that God has placed in you? By getting back to the point where you feel comfortable and being transparent, it's it has to be volitional, but it doesn't mean it's without risk.
Right? You know, we've got we've got principles in the Bible, in the book of Proverbs. I included some of those at the end of that chapter on the loneliness of mistrust. Um, as we as we grow in our trust of God, I believe he helps us to be able to trust others. But that also comes with discernment, with exercising wisdom. We can't be transparent with everybody. We can't be best friends with everyone. We need to. We need to pick our friends wisely. And I think we've all been in a place where we thought we had a good friend. Um, things were going great for a while, but we were burned or hurt or betrayed. And that can make us wall off and say, I'm not going to trust again. And I shared in the book when I had a situation like that, and I even had one while I was writing this book. I knew the answers. I know that you don't isolate when you get hurt, but immediately when there was a misunderstanding with a good friend and it turned into an accusation. My defense mechanism. Or maybe it's just that voice in my head that's not even my own, said I'm done with people. I'm done with this. It's just me and God, and we're good. And then I thought, no. The enemy wants to isolate. And then he attacks. And I, too believe that misunderstandings, mistrust, hurt is probably more prevalent in the church than anywhere else, because we have an enemy seeking to divide us there. And again, we go there thinking, oh, it's going to be real great if the enemy can cause us to be easily offended and we're all going to be offended. Anytime people offend people, we offend others without being aware of it. But if he can cause us to to feel hurt and say, I'm walking away from that, I'm not going to be there anymore. Then we get isolated. And then and then we're more hurt. And then we leave the leave the church. And then we don't have that unity that God intended for us to experience as we work through those problems and see what God does in the midst of them.
Wow. Cindy McMenamin is with us. She has written a wonderful book called The New Loneliness Nurturing Meaningful Connections when you feel isolated. It's right there on our website. If you're interested in this topic and want to dig deeper, there's so much more in the book that I'm giving time to talk about, even with the gift of one hour of Cindy's time. So I want to encourage you when we come back, we've touched on reconnecting with God. We've just discussed reconnecting with your heart. How about that idea of reconnecting with others? For some, this might be one of the bigger challenges. We'll talk about it when we return. The new loneliness. Nurturing meaningful connections. When you feel isolated just to bring us full circle where we started. No one is immune. Every single one of us is going to going to experience loneliness. So when that happens, how do we reconnect with God, with our heart and with others? This last part, I think out of the books, any for me personally is the most challenging. Because if you're an introspective person by nature, that getting out of yourself so that you can get out and serve others and interact with others who are markedly different than you is the big challenge. But you start off by talking about how you really and truly have to get back to some basics, and that is literally face time as opposed to tech face time. Um, you know, we talked about the surgeon general at the start of our conversation here in Washington, DC. I can tell you this report after report after report about the damage that we are doing to young minds, literally rewiring neural pathways because of time spent on screen. But we also are creating and I'll use the phrase again here, an upside down world where we think we have community, when in fact we don't. We have the illusion of community. So you're going to give us give us some modern day challenges, because how do we learn to put it down? I had someone say, once I have a problem, I check my email before I get into the word. That's a real good indicator of whether or not you've got some balance in your life. So talk to me about this. How do we get back to face time, particularly if you're more comfortable being in front of a screen because a screen doesn't look back at you, you can look at the screen people. That's another story. I have to interact with people and that's risky.
I think one of the first things to do is to recognize that there are some addictive properties and elements going on here with with social media, with screen time, um, study after study. And I cite some of them, um, in that chapter, the loneliness of screens of what it's doing to not just kids, but to adults, and how it's lowering our mental health and, um, increasing our depression levels and stuff to to have so much screen time or so much time on social media, observing other people's lives but not participating in our own life. And that's a big thing. You know, we watch so many videos, we watch others highlight reels. We we do all of that. But we've become a spectator society. And one of the first things that we have to do is acknowledge the fact that I've become an observer rather than a participant in life. And instead of watching everybody else's life, I'm going to put down that phone and I'm going to start living again. One of the ways we can do that, I think, is to be more intentional about in-person relationships. Um, if you don't have rules in your home right now about being on the phone when you're at the dinner table, do something about that. I can't tell you how many times I go into restaurants and see couples or families. Every one of them is looking at a phone. They're not talking to one another. In addition to having TVs blazing everywhere, there's everything that can get your attention off of the person right in front of you. Um, maybe even, uh, trying to call more than text. Texting is very convenient, but how long has it been since you've heard the voice of a family member or somebody close to you? Or what if you were to text and say, let's get together face to face? I miss seeing your face. Want to give you a hug? Uh, that might not be possible if you're long distance, but we need people locally that we can still sit across the table from. And that quote you mentioned about, you know, those warm brown, brown eyes we can't get warm hugs through a screen. We can't see the tears in somebody's eyes or hear the tone of their voice. Sometimes when we're just chatting online and we need to get that back. And many times we have to take the initiative to do that. Realizing my mental, social, emotional and spiritual health and even physical health now because of this report are dependent on me learning how to interact.
Racked.
One on one and in groups with people again.
Yeah, exactly. It seems to me, Cindy, that you have to start by doing inventory. Most of us, I don't think, are aware of how much screen time we have, how much we're there. Is that a good place to start? Because you're not going to want to change your habits unless you identify how deep entrenched the habit is in your life.
Right. There are tools on the iPhone where you can monitor your screen time, or you can get alerts. You can keep track of it. Most people are surprised at how much time they're on screen or picking up their phones. My daughter said to me once, mom, you're always on your phone. I said, no, I'm not. You are. No. And so now I need to be aware of that when I'm with somebody and there's a text, if I'm with somebody that can wait. Who do we allow to have instant access to us all the time if we're, you know, if we've got a family member and there's an emergency situation, you know, we might even explain to somebody, Okay. During this lunch hour, I am waiting to hear from the hospital. So I might have to break away in a phone call or a text. Anybody understands that, but one email or text after another? I've been in those situations and I thought, you know, that person just let me know. Their phone and their work and everything else was more important than our time together here and just practicing people presence. Um, being aware that, um, eye contact I got I got to learn that again because it's too easy to look down at your screen when somebody's talking.
Yeah. Wow. Amazing. All right. So again, just in deference to time, because I want to touch on some of these other excellent points, this idea of friendships. You know, my momma used to say in order to have friends, one must show themselves friendly. There's that again. I'll use the word. It's volitional. You have to make a choice. The emotions have to take a back seat to the will. That isn't necessarily easy, particularly if you're not hardwired as an extrovert. So how does one begin to begin to do that? Because sometimes also making friends is very risky, particularly when you realize we're all fearfully and wonderfully made differently. So how do we negotiate the differences in our relationships?
Yes, there are lots of differences. And, um, I've I've got some steps in the book. Uh, one of the things is, uh, you know, anytime you've got a relationship and it's growing, there's, there's going to be difficulties. And I always say, take it to God first. He understands. But by us laying it out before him and also saying, show me God where I might be in this situation. Show me what I've done, what I could have done better so that I can learn from this. And then, um, tell a few close friends what you're struggling with so they can support you. Um, and, and look at how you can pour into others. Because as we begin to pour into others, I believe that's when God pours into us. By healing those relationships and making sure we have the support we need.
Wow, what an excellent point. Last question. In an hour. That's gone too quickly, Cindy. Somebody listening goes. Okay, you touched me where I'm at today. I want to start on this journey of really nurturing meaningful connections, just exactly as you talked about in your book, where does somebody start?
You know what I would say? Start in prayer. Say, God, would you begin to bring to me or open my eyes to see the people who are already in my life that I need to reconnect with? As we surround ourselves with growing believers, we're going to see loneliness less of a problem. And when there's problems, God can make us stronger in those relationships as we bring them to him.
Excellent, Cindy, thank you so much for a wonderful conversation. Cindy Mcmenamin's brand new book is called The New Loneliness Nurturing Meaningful Connections when You Feel isolated. Got a lot of information and places you can go on our information page to just go to in the market with Janet parshall.org, click on the red box that says Program Details and Audio. It will take you where you need to go. Thanks to Cindy and to you friends. We'll see you next time.