I Said No Gifts! A comedy interview podcast with Bridger WinegarIn this 200th episode, Bridger's spirit remains unbroken even after Maria Bamford shovels an unwanted gift onto him. The two discuss neighborhood councils, Christmas newsletters, and monthly rat checkups.
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Well, I invited you here. I thought I made myself perfectly clear. But you're a guest to my home. You gotta come to me empty, And I said, no, guests, your own presences presents enough.
I already had too much stuff, So how.
Did you dare to surbey me?
Welcome to I said, no gifts. I'm Bridger Wineger. We're in the backyard. It's the two hundredth episode. Can you imagine two hundred episodes of this podcast? Hundreds of hours of whatever's happening here? Thank you for being here. If this is your first episode, pause, go back. There's at least one hundred and ninety nine more for you to listen to before you get here, from the beginning. And I mean, I just could not be more excited about today's guest. This is the person you get for a two hundredth episode right here. It's Maria Vamford. Hello.
I'm not very well known, but that doesn't matter. In the Internet age, you can have a career.
What are you talking about? That is the you're one of the all time greats? Well, I think amongst some people, I won't even accept that as an answer. Give me a break.
But that's free kind. Now, this is something people ask you when you have a certain kind of job. Would you get this? Who's your favorite comedian?
My favorite comedian? Yes, I don't have a favorite, Okay, I had it pick favorites. I have several people who I know will always make me laugh, and you're one of.
Them, that's for kind. I always feel like it's family and friends who are the funniest to me, just because it's always extremely personal and like that makes me laugh until I cry.
That's such a good time.
And I can get them on a Sunday night anyways.
I think that's true though, like people I grew up with, if I see them like from high school, college, no one makes me laugh like that, right, But maybe that's a different type of laughter. I don't know.
I don't know, but I'm willing to pay for it.
Out of your friends and family, can you pick a number one?
Uh, definitely my mom and dad who are since past, but I can do impersonations of them, so I creepily do that to myself sometimes go in to a reverie and think about what I think my mom would say, or what I would wanted her to say, which is really more that I believe is part of the arts is trying to have some sort of control over your past and redoing things.
Just a completely uncontrollable period of your life. When you do that, is it when you're driving you're alone at home.
Usually by myself because it seems to disturb people in my life when I go.
You know, Scott, if I said to my husband, Scott, listen, I am just so proud of you, which is something my mother might say, he's stop it, stop it.
And then with friends, they don't say stop it because they are my friends. But there grows a silence. Yes, there's a silence.
You know.
It's not warm. It's not a warm response, which I get it. I mean, I get it. That's why I keep it to myself. And I'm one of the best crowds there is.
You feel like you're a good crowd. Oh my god.
Well especially for my own shit.
For your own stuff, my own, Oh my god.
My own.
I cannot stop laughing at my own stuff.
I appreciate that.
Yeah, I mean, why else get into it except.
To amuse oneself. I feel like the last time I saw you was at PDA and Alta Dina at eight am.
Right. Sometimes sometimes there's these limitations that we put ourselves on of like, oh, I can only serve food within the restaurant. You know clearly that's not true. So I do off hours comedy shows. Point being, I want people who know, who've gone out of their way to come see something. They've got skin in the game.
Now.
The only problem about eight am shows babies. A lot of times babies, Oh they have to come. Babies come to shows, and that is that's a drunk a baby, It's just a drunk. But yeah, no, it's been really lovely. It's also the you get it out of the way because I get nervous for show. So it's like I get to have a show as soon as I wake up and then be set free.
Yeah, to have one at seven o'clock probably ruins your day.
Well, sometimes it depends, but sometimes I get very anxious and there's no reason to but my lizard brain gets anxious. So I was trying to trick myself with morning shows. Anyways, there's nothing less important than comedy. Let's just can we can we just?
I feel like that's true. I feel like there's truly nothing in the world that we could do more without than comedy.
Yeah, how are you doing.
I want to ask, that's a great question, that's an incredible question.
You've got beautiful colors on Oh thank you. You're wearing a purple and a tea, which is very pleasant to see.
You always have good color zone. Oh my god, I feel like you're always vibrant. And you've got this like a plum.
I've got a plum and a lot. I'm doing a lot of rainbows and a lot of unique eyeglasses.
How many glasses do you have?
I believe seven pair, but I'm always losing pairs due to a lack of a being in the moment. Can't be in the moment.
Do you keep a pair in your car? I keep a pair in my car.
Now, that's so smart. Will I will do that?
Yes, although I guess you don't wear contacts.
I don't wear contacts. Yeah. I only needed glasses when I turned fifty.
Oh wow, Yeah it took that long.
Yeah. I'm fifty three and I'm too old not to be a success in show business, Am I right, Dame Judy Dench, I'm not old enough to start hitting it out of a park.
No, I keep a pair because I have the fear of my contacts. Drying out, and then what do I do if I don't have a way to drive home? So I'll have the glasses in the car.
So your I say, it is pretty not great? Not great?
Well, it hasn't been great since maybe eighth grade.
What's your numbers?
Negative? Four, seven, five? Whoa, which I guess is bad.
That's pretty bad, I mean from what I known nothing about it, and yet I want to judge my friends on the I GOS shop is Society the spectacle. I love that place, forty six in New York. Check it out if you are ever in Highland Park, California. Owned by two sisters. They've been in the I gas industry for over forty years and they are the best in that they will let you try glasses on four hours with no suggestion that you have to buy them. It is fun because that's what you want to do. You want to go into a shop and try on all the shit and leave.
And they have such a variety there. Yeah, and I've had that exact experience. I haven't purchased anything there yet, but I've gone in it. Don't do it. I refuse to give them my business.
Of course, they're just lovely salespeople. They're like, hey, no, oh my god, you don't have to. But yeah, I am a very good customer in that I because I keep losing them.
Now, how are you doing?
I'm great getting solar installed, selling on lease. Uh and so they just started today. She said, how long are they going to be there? I realized I don't know. But the one guy's name is Hans and then another times a person's name is I believe Jacob, and it seems to.
Be going very well.
I offer them sparkling water. There was no interest. Let people don't like Lacroix.
It's shocking, right right, I for the longest time just thought that's just a drink anyone will have. No, A lot of people have no interest in having an essenced water.
No get oh yeah, but so that that's happened, I went to the coffee shop. I know, my barista's coffee shop.
Oh says.
Pork es pork your soler problem.
Your silk and the same boy, yeah, hinthy ficacion.
I need to leave my neighborhood, but I will not. H Anyways, they're lovely. I love that it's owned by a Nicaraguan owner and they always have great staff currently who's employed there. There's high turnover. So there's Kimmy, there's Paulina, there's Anthony, there's Ethan. I'm gonna say that's it.
That's incredible that you remember that many of the names.
Oh my god, you gotta get to know everybody.
I mean, I do that at my coffee shop. But I think I've gotten I know one of their names, I know the owner's name and one employee's name. Okay, but I've known all of them for so long at this point.
Which coffee shop is it?
Found coffee? Have you ever been? Yeah?
You go Rock Bullard, Colorado.
Sky Colorado. The best staff in the world.
Right.
The coffee is so good and.
It makes I mean, I feel like I am doubling down into you know, stand up isn't where I get my self worth. Where I'm getting my self worth is my abilities as a universal Walmart greeter to just introduce myself, say hi, my name is Rea. What's your name? In as awkward way as possible everywhere I go, just.
Kind of a roving greeter. That's a good, good attitude.
Yeah, And you know some people aren't into it, and they go, you Christian, are you trying to sell me something. No, but yeah, it helps keep things sort of interesting.
And you're pretty good at remembering names. I panic because when I'm oh, no one terrible, But you just.
Like five names got put in a ton of efforts. You got to remember. Oh, her name's Emmy. She works at the taco place. But so you picture a golden Emmy inside of a taco shell. Like, I'm doing the real work on this. I'm not a genius.
That's kind of do they call that like the memory palace or whatever like that? People are really good at memorizing things that create a thing in their face head. I guess I could do like the minimal level of that.
Oh sure, I mean, if you're interested in them.
It's to know people's names. What are we talking about?
Uh?
Can we get back to I'd like to talk about the solar for a little bit longer. Okay, how did the solar get introduced to your life? Because it's been introduced to me several times by door to door salesman.
My friend Gary is a door to door salesman. Oh okay, so I feel their pain. Oh my god. She says, you go in, if you get let inside. Sometimes you're there for two hours and the whole family is introduced and some food is served, and you still don't get a sale. So yeah, I talk to my friend Gary. He no longer sells solar panels. He now sells motorcycles, and only those motorcycles that are in a tripod like.
Three three wheeler. What is that called a three wheeler?
You cannot remember. But it's a terrible investment in the long term. Anyways, Gary told me all about how great it is. Turns out, at least in California, the laws aren't as wonderful, Like it's not as great a deal as it once was. But who cares if you're trying to do something good for the environment. Although I know the panel production is problematic. I'm getting into the weeds. But what I did I didn't go through any of the doorderder salesmen because from what I understand, and because I now use contractors more, is it's kind of a fly by night like companies come up and then they say, oh, it's a lifetime guarantee, but then they're only around for a year, which out of business.
I love it.
That's a great business plan. It's like so sharp. No, I just got three people who had uh, we have actual businesses in buildings and got one in our neighborhood. And when in the building, I didn't haven't gone in the building, but I got to meet the people. You know, they help. There's people who work in a building, and I felt like that was a good sign.
That is, Yeah, there's an address that you can go back to should something bad happen. Yeah, like a wagon.
And also it's okay if it doesn't work out. Who gives a shit? Like really, as material goods ever made anybody happy? No, A house in California is like a tulip in fourteenth century Amsterdam. It is not worth that much money. It's a two bedroom ranch filled with vermin. Vermin? I mean, are you rat free?
Oh my god? I hope.
So.
There's nothing in the world that scares me more than a rat.
Oh my, got it. You gotta have somebody check out your house.
Will I will drive off a clip.
I'm gonna bet you fifty to fifty there's a rat in your house.
Oh my god, Maria, what did you do?
Oh?
There's we Uh will live in our house for a long time. It is so expensive and ongoing to get rats removed that we had about five years where we just lived with the rats and we heard them scramble and scrap. They eat insulation. So when you get all your rats removed, you have to have all your roofing everything taken out and then everything sealed off and it talks. It costs about ten grand. Oh yeah. Or this is the other option. You can have a guy or a lady come on a monthly basis and just see see how many ones have died.
Check it out with traps.
Which I don't want to have to deal with a guy every month because sometimes I do love anybody who has a job. I appreciate that they're doing a job. But sometimes, yeah, I don't want to do a lot of face to face with I don't like being an employer. It can be exhausting.
It's a lot of scheduling.
Yeah, it's scheduling like, oh, I can't come this Thursday. The rats are working weekends. What do you what? Anyways, so we did it all at once. Also, if you don't can't tell from my voice, and you probably shouldn't be able to tell us, that would be racist. I am a white, older female who was given a full ride scholarship by my father, who is a doctor. I have been given all the benefits. That's why I had ten thousand dollars to get rid of rats.
And did they guarantee that the rats aren't coming back?
Yes?
Like to guarantee. And this business has been around for thirty year again. Could could close in a heartbeat. I'm not It's okay if it doesn't work out. Do you own your home?
Do rent?
I own it and I feel very fortunate, are you? How did it happen? I saved money for a really long time, that's and then got very lucky, insane, and a lot of circumstances have come together for me to I mean, I don't own the house. The bank owns the house and they'll probably eventually take it from me. But as of right now, I own the house and pay a monthly mortgage. But you know, I started working when I was about fifteen and never spent money on anything ever. I then became a television writer by a lot of luck.
I am loving this story, Bra.
And then in twenty twenty, right before it became impossible to buy a house.
Did you buy it before the bubble?
Before me too? My god? Can you imagine I bought it.
I should not. I've been able to buy a house. They gave me double mortgages so that because my credit was not good. Sure, so they gave me one mortgage on top of another one. So it was like a credit card situation. I could not afford that mortgage, but it was like thirty eight hundred dollars a month at the point. At that point, and I was like, I don't know how I'm gonna make this, and it weirdly like a drug dealer, it does sometimes work out and show a business that you get you in the lottery, and so it was all right, but uh oh I love it.
Good, good job, Yeah, I feel I mean I was basically dragged into my boyfriend was like you should do this. And then three weeks after we bought it, people beyond far more successful than I couldn't buy a house. I was like, oh my god, I guess so I got lucky once it worked out.
Yeah, And I mean, as everything in life there it holds a liminal space like is it good or is it bad? You never know. Things turn on a dime. That's my job as a fifteen year old lady. This lady came up to me when I was just leaving Minneapolis as a young lady, and she said she came up and said, life turns on a dime. And I think that's what I'm supposed to do. Just go up to younger people from the chef say ship like that.
Can I ask you? You got a full ride scholarship to college from my dad, my dear dad, because I was there that.
The prettiest, smartest girl in the whole world. No, no, I did get a I did get a scholarship, but it was more like a you know, like a thousand dollars leadership. You were a leader. That's not nothing you mean you mean you talked a lot. That gal just won't shut up.
I assume you're a good student though.
Sort of believe in my studies, like you know, went real hard sometimes and sometimes just completely Uh yeah, vomited all over the place. Didn't do very well. So yeah, I got into Bates College, Okay in Maine, which is in the middle of the road, very expensive liberal arts college. I do not recommend it'llege it's a drinking school. Did not know that as I was going in. Maybe that's what all schools are.
I went to the University of Utah, which that's not a drinking school not I mean, yeah, Utah. It's hard to get to a drinking school, I suppose, uh, but yeah, I guess the University of Utah is just kind of a school.
Were you raised in the Mormond? I was, yeah, are you not anymore?
I'm not anymore? My parents still are.
But but are they still talking to you?
Oh? Yeah, they're so lovely.
Thank one Christ, I mean thank Christ for that the very least.
Truly truly, No, they're really terrific because it could have gone. You know, the Mormon Church is very bad with gay issues in general, so the fact that my parents were so great about it is terrific.
Nice good.
I went to the Mormon college for thirty minutes and then went back to the University of Utah. There's a Mormon college called Brigham Young University, so I know what bring them? Yeah, And I enrolled there for a short period thinking of their film program because it's very good technically, but artistically I'm not so sure. So once I got in, I started realizing, oh, what's happening here? I fled so my you know, it took me like I think six seven, four hundred years to get my bachelor's degree. It was a very long stretch.
I had, Yeah, same experience. I switched school as a bunch. I went to Bates and I went a year abroad to Scotland, and then I was like, I don't know what. I went to the University of Minnesota, transferred back because I actually ended up going through an eating disorders treatment program because yeah, academically I had was not good and then also.
Had a problem with food.
What a white woman? How did it? Oh, I'm sorry, I lost interest in my own narrative.
Well, I'm glad that we both had a really long college experience.
Yes, it was.
I mean, I'm grateful for it because it was like a good confinement system. I mean, it's like the army or something where it's like somewhere you can go of the army.
You will you could be killed.
Let's just remember that. But I am so grateful for it because I did not I was terrified of adulthood or the outside world, and it really gave me kept me off the pipe in the pole.
Yeah, it's kind of a it is kind of like a large daycare. It is allows you to kind of slowly approach having responsibility.
It is, so it really should not be that expensive. Like I just anyways, there's so many things I'd like to change in the world.
How do we do it.
I've released all control.
I've just I've done doing my I go to my neighborhood council.
Oh you do.
That's the limit of my.
That's more than I can do anything. That's more than almost any other person.
Oh, I don't know. There's a lot of people, and it does have some effect. When I lived in Highland Park, there was a seven eleven that wanted to open up on my block and I was like, there's fucking two seven elevens with it like a thousand feet here, what the hell? And so I and some friends went, no, seven eleven. It is effective.
It's amazing.
Democracy does work. Uh sometimes, what were.
They there are two seven elevens so nearby? What a third have? Even? What's what's the service it would have provided?
I don't know. I think it's like a Starbucks or something where it's like just one more. Yeah. I think it just creates the addiction of something within walking disiness. Because there's there's tons of liquor stores in the island parks. Maybe they're trying to steal from the liquor store trade or anyways more. But I love a liquor. Liquor stores at least there's some you feel like it's neighborhood. Like you go, oh, there's Psycho and there's the van that has a prostitution ring going out of it. It's a van and it's open for business.
That's two business. It's too small businesses. Oh wow, Well there's something else we need to get to.
Okay.
I was really excited to have you here today, two hundredth episode, Maria Bamford. I mean I.
Brought you a gift and I don't mean to put pressure on you, but.
You're just diving.
Did you bring me a gift? Or can I take a planting?
You've got to take a planting?
Peace, I'll take a clipping of that pink plant. And I mean, why do I have to get something out of everything? But I feel like I do. I do like to get stuff.
We've had guests take a clipping before, really take a clipping. Grow it at home. What does that propagate? I certainly will put it in a glass of water for a while. Eventually the roots come out and you're planting it. In the garden.
I'll give some to my friend. I'm going to go lunch with my friend Courtney, and I'll give her some too.
There you go.
We're spreading I can't take that much.
We're spreading love like an agrarian.
Yes, okay, so you're just claiming. I mean, you brought a gift. Yes, Should I open it here on the podcast? Of course?
No.
It is very very much sincere.
Okay.
I love that and authentic comes from the heart, and it is something I truly believe the message of.
So just that said, Okay, and I just to clear the air even more, I'm hanging by a thread at all times emotionally. I mean I might just I mean, maybe I'm just gonna end up bowling. Who knows sincerity?
Well, I mean, I don't know if I went that deep.
But I'm telling you.
I'm read the beginning.
Okay, I've opened it.
Uh.
Your front, which, yeah, you got to say that.
Part some excitement hited and so yeah, it's a little piece of lined paper folded.
Up with paper that I wrote out in my car right outside your house.
Okay, so we're opening. We're opening. Oh, this is very nice. It says you are doing great love, Maria Bamford with your is this your signature?
That's my signature? And then it's a heart, giant heart heart, And I wasn't sure is that too cold? Because I used my full name. I should have just said.
Maria clinical but tell me why you uh the purpose of this gift?
There is so much pressure in our society as far as professional standards and work, like everyone's, oh god, what are you hustling on? What do you what do you? Are you grinding? Are you marketing? Where's your merch when clearly there's so much evidence that shows that what brings people joy is relationships and nature dogs happy. It has nothing to do with your job. But anyways, I I know you're doing a great job, and so I just want to send that message out of like relax.
I really appreciate that. It's a strange time, especially in Los Angeles, because everything, the entire entertainment industry seems to be collapsing. So it's it is kind of a fraught, scary time in life where when you can frequently feel like, oh I'm doing something wrong.
Oh there's always I mean, at least every person I ever talked to who does well unless of course there's the CEO of something. They're like, I really enjoy it. Would you like to share my hot nuts? That's what you get in first class, you get hot nuts.
I've only written it a couple of times, but it's a hot not.
Is it a mix or peanuts.
Mix hot nuts? They put a tablecloth down. Anyways, everybody is scared, and I want to say, let's have some empathy for the oligarchs. Have you ever heard sometimes extremely wealthy people. I've heard them worry aloud about money, which is so confusing. Yeah, so I don't think it goes away once you have a shit ton of money. I don't think that's the answer. I've heard a person say to me to my face.
We wanted to give to public radio this year, but we've got the girls in private school, and then we've got the kitchen being redone on the home in Italy. Oh.
I can't listen to any more of this romance novel until there's been a murder, because I don't care about any of these characters. But I had some dear friends, as you do sometimes in Los Angeles. All of a sudden, you'll have some friends who shoot off like rock chips into stardom. So these friends were living in a black obelisk above the sea, and I thought everything was going great, as you do from Instagram reels. And they showed up on my front door and said, we've lost everything. The sheriff has locked us out of our house and all of our accounts. Can we stay with you what for the time being? And I said, of course, come on in. Help yourself to some old vegan pizza that is covered in bans and corn and it's damp with a arugula. I didn't want it when I ordered it. No, I think shit could happen at any level where it's like you just fuck up and you know.
So.
I just don't think having more is a thing that that that's going to bring people a piece. I mean, it certainly hasn't been the case. Like I used to live in a hippie cooperative. Great times had great times then. Sure, I had great times now, But I had great times then I bawled. I made ten dollars a day busking for change while playing a musical instrument poorly on the streets of Minneapolis. The violin. I was very shy, so I mostly tried to play in parking structures, not a lot of walk through business. At one point, I was a year late in my rent and the hippies had to sit me down.
Go listen, man seriously.
Talking.
You guys do not have any idea what I am doing.
I'm an artist, but I was happy then. I'm happy like I just. I think healthcare and a shelter and food, of course add to your level of happiness, but beyond a certain point it doesn't seem to affective. I've dated a ton of dudes who were very wealthy, huge anxiety and assholes about money, like not generous, weird about their cars. My husband, one of the main things I loved about him was that he showed up in his car, which was a super No what was it, Saturn? Saturn crushed a bit on the side. I said, do you own it?
Outright?
He said, yes, I do.
Oh.
He also knew what was going on with his finances, like he's like I am. I think it was almost sixty thousand dollars in debt. That's what I have and some times I can't always eat a lot, and so I get kind of irritable because he just didn't he didn't have a lot of money and I'm like, right that and and he had a good life, like and he knew what was happening. Like some people with money, they're all like my ex wife or yeah, just having I don't know, I'm just going.
Off now, but something worth going off.
I doubt that it brings people's happiness in the long run.
Yeah, I think that's largely true. Like there's a base level of security that's nice to have, like with knowing you can see a doctor, that kind of thing, and it's a shame that not everybody can do that. But beyond that you start, it's a never ending void obviously.
Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I'm also could be wrong.
I don't think you're wrong. I know a lot of people that are supremely rich and they're still completely dissatisfied with it. Everything so mean or like what doesn't really help.
Yeah, my husband and I would give eleven percent of our income to charity, which is one percent better than the Muslims, Christians or Jews, Mormons. Really, we're killing it with the Mormos. We're gonna make it into every fucking heaven that there is.
You're going to bust right through the door.
Bus through the door Oh, where are all the sweets?
What charities are you?
Just mostly the Downtown Women's Center, which is for housing in Los Angeles. There's the skid Row neighborhood, about fifty thousand people who live on the street down Down LA. Obviously half of those are women. Downtown Women's Center is has created a lot of affordable housing, clearly not enough because there are so many people. Yep, do you live with roommates on a Lisa?
Yes, I'm very fortunate and I get to live alone.
Oh delightful.
We had an experiment with creating affordable housing. We invited two comedians to live with us because we have two extra bedrooms. Sure, I was, yes, in my backyard, but then my backyard OOO smell a lot like pot And I was like, and one of the comics kept having hookups, at which I totally get. You're in your thirties, right, you gotta get things oiled and loobed and uh, but like, at least once a week there'd be a guy walking around our succulents going Carmen, Carmen at like midnight.
I think, if you have roommates, the hookup you've got to You've got to have that in control. That's the basic level of respect for the well.
And they were lovely people. They're just in their thirties. They're a different place in life. You know, we're grumpy in our fifties, like we go to bet at eight, you know, and uh, yeah it was it was. I think we're thinking of getting people who are more our age instead on the West.
See know either of the comedians very well before they moved in. No, okay, well there's a problem. That's that's part of the problem. The very funny How long did they live with you?
About a year?
Okay, that's a good chat.
Yeah, it was a good chunk of time. And then we said, this has been an experiment. We told them in the beginning, we're just going to see how it went. Okay, and we pay them back all their rent money. Wow, so we're essentially acted as a savings account. So then they could have all their because I wanted to see what it was like, and I also I didn't know if I would be a good person for people to live with. And they're also co workers, so I don't want it to be a shitty situation in any way. So we gave all their money back and also they could have said we're not leaving. That is a law in Los Angeles, as you can say yeah, no, no, no, are not going to go. So they were very kind to let us change our minds.
Well that's uh. Were there any upsides to it? Did you enjoy spending time in the house?
Okay, yes, Well it felt useful, like, oh my gosh, we're creating a he affordable housing in Los Angeles because there is it just sucks here. You I have so many friends who've had to leave because it's unbelievably expensive. Even if you have just a regular full time job, a job as you know, seventy grand a year, you cannot afford going bedroom or say yeah, at least that's what I've heard. Yes, that felt good. Also, we had a lot of comedian parties. That was also fun. Effect to meet a lot of comedians. I got to feel like I knew more catchphrases or the new words that the kids are using. E vince is that something?
Uh?
It was a neat experience and I learned I think the humility that I'm not as warm and loving as I'd hoped. I always like to think of myself as a I don't know why I'm going to say this person's name Mama cass.
Oh a really warm.
She sounds nice. But yeah, I give shoulder based hugs. That's the level of my maternal Uh yeah. But there was lots of positives, lots of barbecues, pool parties.
I think it's hard to be warm and welcoming all day every day. Yeah, that takes an enormous amount of energy. Sometimes when you're home, you're just you can't You're just for yourself. So it's hard when there's someone who's not a partner. Yes, yes, like I can't give you everything I have all the time.
Yes, it's true.
So I don't think that that's your fault.
And it was fun, yeah, just to they were Oh, this is the other thing super enthusiastic and passionate about comedy, which is that's just so great, you know, because sometimes people get when they get to my age. I mean, I'm trying to get booked in Chicago. These motherfuckers want, you know, was like, and these people are just like, I just get it open, Mike. You know, it's really energizing. So was I a vampire? Was I like a vampire sucking off.
The blood of the yard, taking advantage of these people. Oh god, is there anything you do enjoy spending money on? Like yes, coffee? Coffee? Okay?
I also loved big tips.
Oh wo.
I tip people because people are not being paid enough to live in Los Angeles. I want to make sure everybody's making at least forty bucks an hour. I know that's not even a living wage from what I've read, but trying my best.
So when you're spending a lot on coffee, you're also giving a big tip for yes.
Yes, So it's like I'm also I'm talking to them with SE's emotional work they're doing. They didn't ask, they didn't sign up for that.
Oh yeah, that's a big part of a tip.
I also pay the crowd if I talk to people. I venmo people one hundred bucks if they talk to me out of the crowd, because that is it's un it's emotional burden that I'm giving them that they have to talk to me.
I think it's really fair and not a bad deal.
And I'm an old lady. I don't have any descendants and I have I am wealthy, so no worries.
How are the dogs doing? Thank you?
Lovey chi wah wah, pug named Muffin is very popular, and it's like one of those things where you're just like, I don't know where my daughter gets this.
I no, she's not my daughter.
And then Max is an older pug about fourteen. You can't see or hear. Both of them are from the Pug Nation place, which has if you're in La area and looking for a pug, they got a warehouse full of pugs looking for a home. And what they have a lot of are pug mermaids. That's pugs who have lost the use of their back legs. Oh wow, so they have little wheelies in the back. So precious. Pugs are so sweet. And the great thing about a pug mermaid is that because they can't feel their backs, you express them when it's convenient to you.
Oh wow, it's like a frosting bag.
Wow, this is what was told to me. But anyways, they were trying to sell me on a.
Mermaid, and that was like one of the perks.
Yes, yes, okay, is that it's very easy and now then you don't have to wait. You have to wait. Max does a pretty long walk before he decides where to poop. But now with a mermaid, you just squeeze it out on your schedule.
How old is Muffin?
Muffin's about four?
Oh so just a baby.
She's just a baby.
Yeah.
We we've had a lot of old pugs, so we all got from the pug nation and so my husband said, can we get a young woman now? And so we did. But I felt bad about that because there's so many older lovely doggies. But yeah, I've never had a young dog. And so she likes to fetch and she's interested, you know, and that's.
Active and she's active. How old was she when you got her?
Uh?
Too? I think, yeah, so it's good. I do. Do you think about having children either? Interview?
I certainly don't, don Lee ste.
I'm still up in the air about it. But I've got two cats and they feel like a handful enough for right now.
What are your cat's names.
Buster, who's ten, and Nigel, who's eight months new to the family.
New to the family in the top.
What are their personalities?
Like Buster I describe as a fifty five year old man but living in nineteen fifty five, who is a science professor and wears round spectacles with a bow tie and a pocket protector and still.
Lives with his mother.
He is also bisexual, and Nigel is a little uh surfer bro black cat. Wow yeah, oh, very scary British names like brush the girl exactly.
I love a fully realized uh what is that called? When you domorized?
Are they getting along?
And sometimes yes? Sometimes No. Buster is much older, so he doesn't want to play as much. Okay, and right now.
Everything is prey with Nigel, so he just want every time Buster moves his tail, it's like attack time.
That's a tough situation.
Yeah, but they you know, they're mostly in tolerance mode and that's all I can really ask for.
At this point.
So okay, yeah, that's not bad, and they play together sometimes.
You sound like a wonderful mother.
Well I appreciate that. Thank you for saying that.
Have you watched Jackson Galaxies my cat from Hell?
I have not watched that, but I've watched many, many of his videos.
Yes, I forget he has just like YouTube videos.
Yeah, he's wonderful.
I've watched all forty episodes that I could find, and he only couldn't help one cat because that cat had a brain injury. Oh and he just said, and he got teary eyed, and he's.
Like, oh you can do is mids What was the cat doing?
Being mean and stuff like that. But if you have a cat who has problems, all you gotta do is with them forty five minutes a day with some stuff, put them on levels, give them a little outside zone that they can cruise around it, and make eye contact with them with blinking.
Oh I forget that cats can kind of communicate via blink. Yeah, it's amazing.
Unless they have a traumatic brain injury.
Then have you ever owned a cat?
I am a little allergic to some so I but I love kitties. I do, I do, I do. I love a kitty. I will pick them up. I especially love an overweight cat.
Oh, I know, isn't that tempting when people are like, I'm trying to get the cat to lose weight, don't I mean, it's horrible because it's bad for the cat, But is it?
Is it?
It's getting all the attention in the world and it's just getting to eat all day. I mean, they have a limited time on earth regardless.
Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I eat ice cream almost every day, and I'm sure that's shortening my life span. But look, but the smiles, the smiles.
What time of day are you eating ice cream?
Morning? As soon as I wake up?
Is that true?
Yes, Heat up the hot fudge in the microwave, put a scoop of peanut butter down the middle. It's so good. It's actually it's a great reason to get up.
What flavor of ice cream?
Oh my gosh. I like things with chunks in it. But of course I can make my own chunks by you know. Sometimes you can put a spray a Swiss miss cocoa up top. Oh interesting, Yeah, like it's cinnamon. Put like a powder on top, powder on top, Like I'm a boba master. But I love, you know, like a rich creamy. I love a Ben and Jerry. Yeah, anything with a lot of nuggets.
I like those very basic chocolate peanut butter flavors. I don't need to go any further than that.
Okay, you don't like a ridge.
I love a ridge. I'm just like, as far as flavors go, like the classic. Okay, combinations that are just immediately satisfying. I don't have to think about it.
I understand that I'm not as open to rosemary or when they say, oh, it's a daisy leaves plus dandelion. It's like, oh that's it's just no or it tastes like vanilla. But I know anyways, that's a business model that I know has been successful.
Now it's very successful. Yeah, ice cream flavors that are more of a dare or an experience than a treat.
A meat low flavored with gushers.
Well, I have this lovely gift. I'll have to frame this. It's a beautiful little low yet no pressure and please feel zero pressure. Okay, good, absolutely no pressure. But thank you for this.
Uh.
I think we should play a game. Okay, great, We're gonna play a game called Gift Your a Curse. Okay, I need a number between ten for me four. Okay, I have to do to get our game pieces. Some light calculating right now, so you can recommend something, you can promote something, you can do whatever you want. I'll be right back.
Okay. Well, why don't you check out my friend jackieicasions a comedy special which is it's ten minutes long, it's through the back. It's called Looking Back, and it's a comedy special done through the back of a car camera. So she's doing jokes all about cars while someone has the break on a ninety two preus held so it doesn't become a snuff film. Check that out? What else can you check out? Hey? Why don't you vote or participate in your own neighborhood council? Google it in your zip code. There's something going on, have a voice. Why don't you speak up? Oh my god, do you want to be on a gang prevention committee?
I bet there's.
A I bet there's another gang prevention committee that started up and you have to decide which one is gonna win that? All right?
Okay, tur force between community.
Oh my gosh, that totally happened in Island Park and it made me laugh so hard.
Those are great recommendations. Yes, everybody should be participating in some way. Yeah, I mean something you have a problem with and try to and not well.
Don't put a lot of half ascet show up with your earbuds in you just be there, wear net hat, we're down over your face like people are putting two Oh oh that. If I went, I'd have to participate and be good at no, be super shit at everything. It just do it.
Do you know what something I haven't done in a long time that I recommend people do? Service wise, is there's a place in downtown LA where you chop They bring in vegetables that were left over from restaurants or whatever, and you get to just chop up vegetables for hours and they you know, put them in meal kits and it's so satisfying, lovely, really contributing to something.
For sure that sounds wonderful.
And you just get to sit there and kind of meditate while you're chopping up romain or what have you.
Do.
You chitchat with people if.
You bring a friend, or I guess you could chitchat with other people. Maybe that's not exactly what I would if I were there alone. Maybe I'll be forced into that.
Yeah, I do some food packing with uh there's one in Pasadena that I do, but it's like heavy lifting stuff that there's no chit chat, say fack, kind of sad ab us so. And then I started working at the La Food Bank and that's more chit chat. But the music is so loud.
Oh no, and it ways.
I love chitchat, is what I'm trying to say.
Okay, this is how we play gift or a curse. I'm going to name three things you're gonna tell me if they are a gift or a curse. Okay, and why okay, and then I'll tell you if you're right or wrong okay, because there are correct answers. Oh oh wow, Okay. This first one is a listener suggestion from someone named Emily. Emily gift or a curse Christmas cards with a long update letter about what they've been doing all year.
Love it? Gift?
Why?
I want to know who has cancer? I want to know who's, you know, really achieving something to gain the attention of their mother. I want to know who's had a baby, who's dead? Come on, and and that always comes with a cool picture of everybody in a in a matching outfit.
In a Jean's jacket, Maria, wrong, curse and for basically what you're just telling me. I love reading these things. Yeah, I feel like they've fallen out of fashion. I feel like people don't do them anymore. I never get I would love getting these things. I mean, for such a variety of reasons.
Send you one, Scott. Yeah, we and we send out the real info. We're not we're not sugarcoading.
But you're writing a letter and sending it out.
Yes, Oh no, no, no, no, uh, printed on those cards. You get it through the internet. We would put it on. Yeah, they send to the card, he print, It's all printed on the card.
Yeah. We I mean I remember as a kid, my family, like people all over the neighborhood were sending us these things just you know, essentially to brag about what their children were doing. What have you delightful to read? I mean, for so many reasons.
So fun because you know what the real real shit is.
Yeah, you know exactly what's going on.
So trying to commit suicide, but they're not gonna mention it.
I want to see that in a Christmas update.
And I say that having tried to commit suicide. So just so you know, if you need help out text nine to eight eight. But also know that sometimes there's a wait time of forty five to sixty minutes. So call fucking anybody. I called Hurts run a car South Pasadena. They picked up on the first ring.
All right, it's important to reach out to. It's just literally anyone in that moment.
Anyone.
Okay, so zero so far, no points. Number two. This is from a listener named Sarah Gift to a curse backing into a parking spot.
I'm interested. I mean, is there there's that reason that the reason you're doing it is to feel like you're ahead of the game at the end of the night, like you don't have to back out, you just go jam on in. That's what I'm thinking, Or a sense of accomplishment, like I did something kind of neat because it is it isn't your regular parking job. Can I can I rest without voting?
No? Absolutely not.
Hm.
I think it's good.
You're right, You're correct. I think that they I think backing into a parking spot has kind of gotten a bad name.
Is this arbitrary? Where?
Absolutely not. It's objective universal truths that some of them you're just not familiar with. And that's fine, you're growing. Oh god, you just you just got.
One correct, Okay, thank you, thank you very much.
I mean I don't I've probably backed into a couple of parking spots just because I had no choice at some point. And you know, I'm not good at backing up the car. Okay, it makes me nervous. But once you've done it, the sense of accomplishment is unbelievable. Yeah, and then when you come out, you get to just pull away and there's no I mean, I guess there at some point you're going to be backing the car up.
I've seen that it seems to think men do more than women.
Right.
Sometimes I feel like it's like a show off move or it feels like you're kind of flash but to do something super cool. But ultimately it's very convenient. And uh, I mean, I guess it's not.
What I hang my hat on.
I don't.
I don't go back through my day and go.
Remember that, Wow, awesome.
But okay, you've gotten one out of two so far decent. This third one is from a listener named Danielle Gift or a Curse group text discussion of what to bring to the parties.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, I want to know what everybody brings. I also want to know about the hurt feelings because there are some real I have dear friends who have such high standards for food are real bitches. I'm seeing men, women, and gender nonspecific about food where they say I had a friend who I love dearly, and I'm going to say her name, Jackie Kashin Well, I would have pizza parties, still do all the time. She came to my pizza party one of money I'd had and said you need it or order better pizza.
Pizza sucks. Fruit. Where were you ordering from?
Pizza man in ego rock Pizza Man? No, very inexpensive pizza is not why people were coming to the party. If you want to make pizza good, dip it in an olive oil, grab the cheese from one slice, put double it up on the second slice, slam that in the microwave. Meat kitchen is your kitchen.
Oh so you're suggesting they do this during the party.
Oh yeah, you can do whatever you want, but that people are gathering together. And if you have an opinion about what you have to eat, the quality of food, b yo, f bring your own food.
How did you respond to this? Did you start getting better pizza?
I did, But now I've gone back to I've gone back to potlucks and cheap. I just dell Taco like, Oh no, taco sucks.
They have a great crunchy top.
Don't you bring some mouse? Also, yeah, a lot of people love Del Taco. McDonald's french fries keep heating. As long as you keep those heated.
Up, that's a risky thing for a party.
A little risky, but also it's a fun things. It's unlikely and people go.
It brings a child.
Anyways, that kind of thing where there's some sort of bullshit. A friend she went to Eastern She sent me a video saying kind of making fun of the Easter food that was there. And I did not comment on the I know she wanted me to comment on the thing, saying.
Haha, they shouldn't have had stewed tomatoes with a bunch of assholes.
I don't know. I'll eat anything. I eat truckstop food. I'm a real fan of Have you ever had a gas station tuna fish sandwich? I'm like a flying jazz Oh tuna nougat. It's not it's not aven tuna. It's an amalgamated resource. It's created for the masses that last years at a refrigerator. But yeah, I just I think if you're invited somewhere, keep your mouth shut, or bring a snack. I've been to a vegan wedding, bring a sandwich, because it's gonna be a it's gonna be a long wait. If they're vegan, they're probably sober. There's not gonna be an open bar. Take care of yourself. Stuff a donut, in your purse.
But I feel like at a vegan wedding, you're probably getting decent vegan food because they're.
No vegans also usually healthy, so they can be slightly eating disordered. So the caterer will be like.
Let's start it off with a piece of salary out of San Marino, California and a light glaze of special olive oils made from the Motherland.
Like it's people who are they're living on not much food all the time, so they don't think about how hunger affects most.
People blood sugar levels.
Yeah.
Anyways, that's my experience with vegans is they can play the long game during.
Meals, okay, but ultimately you're saying gift for this group discussion of what to bring to the party.
Oh I love it.
Yes, correct. I'm not a big group text person, but this is one of the times when everyone needs to be on the same page. It's a valuable use of the group text as long as people don't start getting off on tangents.
I love it, and I love looking forward to what people are going to bring. I'd like to know, yes, Caesar salad. Oh my god, this one guy always brings. He's from the dog park. We have a dog park pot Lock sometimes and he always brings like a mac and cheese, Oh delicious, one vegetarian, one.
With meat, what kind of meat, bacon?
Bacon?
Yes, that's a good mac and cheese. Adding, I feel like I'm winning.
I'm above the points now and now I'm doing well.
Right, You've got two out of three? Okay, great, we can do another if you'd like. No, I don't want, don't press threw it up, don't press your lick.
No.
I do love the group text. I love to plant my flag. There's one thing I can make. This is what I'm bringing. Don't ask for anything else. And then I get to move on with my day knowing that no one's gonna cop or end up with the same thing at the well.
And if they do, it's a showdown.
It's an absolute showdown, and I'm going to win or I'm going to do. What do you like to start a fight? Cookies? I like to make it.
What kind of cookie?
Generally a chocolate chip? I make it. I mean, I'm telling you the frozen I have some frozen dough in my freezer that I made recently, maybe the best I've ever made. I go crazy every time I eat one.
What are the special ingredients.
They have a little bit. This is a new thing. I think that a lot of bakers are adding to chocolate chip cookies dehydrated milk. There's just a tiny bit of it, like milk powder, and it caramelizes in the cookie and gives it like this multi caramel flavor, just a little.
Not to overwhel no, no, yeah.
They have walnuts. Can you eat a walnut?
Oh god, I can eat anything.
I love a walnut and a cookie. And then I used bread flour and cake flour, a little more brown sugar than usual. They're just I mean, I can't tell you how good they are. Okay, so I'm getting better. Oh my god, I think I need to get better because I'm gonna have to find another career path, probably in the next ten years.
Well, and this isn't all there is. I've been a secretary, I've cleaned houses. I've been a what else, a waitress? Have been Those were good jobs too.
Every job, well not every job, but a lot of jobs have pause. I loved working as a waiter in food where like you knew what the result was always going to be.
In the emotional te of a hungry table. Oh, of course, especially I mean La. I stopped wagish thing when I came to La because it gets so intense, Like.
I need a side of that, and I need a I need a cup of coffee, but I don't want the ice to get all tiny, but I want ice in a hot cup of coffee.
And then I need I.
Need a ramikin of fresh raspberries, and I need another kind of food from a restaurant far away.
Thank you, Thank you so much.
I really appreciate what you do.
I do think there's kind of a theater among some people of how nice they can be to servers. And I think you should be respectful and kind, but some people, I think go too far where you're like you're making up for something. Leave malone right, yeah, tip, yes, just pay them at the end of the meal and be a decent person. Yep of Okay, well two out of three. Incredible job, Mary, Thank you so much.
This has been so fun.
We'll have to answer answer a listener question.
Oh, I thought we did.
Absolutely not.
It's been a while, it's been an hour. I'm an introvert.
We have to answer a listener question. People are writing into I said no gifts at gmail dot com. Desperate for Answersbury, I'm sorry, this will be an easy, easy thing. Can you help me answer one question? Okay, this is dear bridger and distinguished guest. Oh, based on your reputation for giving incredible career advice, I've come seeking answers. My boss will soon be hiring to fill a role that I work closely with. There's an internal candidate that I slightly know, and I believe my boss favors this person. However, I find this candidate incredibly annoying. How do I handle this professionally but still ensure I don't have to work with someone who drives me nuts. I have no poker faces, so if I dislike some one, then the whole world knows that. Please help. Easily irritated in Colorado, I feel like this is a tricky thing.
Well, do you expect life to always be comfortable? I think that's where we're starting at a loss. Life is suffering. Okay, can we start there?
I think that's a place to start.
So any like flights of fancy into the spirit world where you feel a sense of joy, that's a bonus. Okay, So this person also, I want to say. Often people that really irritate me, I am exactly like them. Just start noticing what traits you have in common. Also notice these traits and what makes them kind of miraculous. We have this neighbor who she would come over all the time, even though I asked her not to, without warning and say hi, and she would often bring just any rando.
And say I wanted to introduce you to a good friend of mine. Oh no, And I'm like, hey, girl, hey, I did not say that, because that's appropriation. I said, yeah, please don't. But then what we learned about our neighbor is that she works legally with people who are from war torn countries to get refuge in the US. And that kind of detachment, well, it's a bit of an autistic experience where she doesn't read people's emotions. Makes it sure she's she just doesn't read.
It's just like, yeah, I'm just gonna get people in.
No, I'm just gonna I'm gonna keep talking to you, and then that person is gonna get out of Syria and get to a safe place of refuge.
For that job.
It's a miracle. So just think of the miraculous traits of this person. Also wonder if you might have those traits yourself.
Just try to bridge the gap. I think that that's excellent advice.
Yeah.
Also, what are you doing looking over there? Keep your eyes on your own paper.
Do some work on yourself. He's easily irritated in Colorado probable.
Meditate in through the nose, out through the mouth. Right, it's do you know that when you breathe in through your nose it's cool, and then when the air comes out through your mouth it's warm. Bet you didn't know that because you're being such a bitch.
There's your answer, the perfect solution to the problem. Don't write back in Maria, God bless thank you.
I love you so much.
Thank you so much for having me. I'm so wonderful.
Grab a plant and a good shabos.
Listener, The podcast is over. We've made it through two hundred. Let's try to make it through at least five more. We'll see what happens. I love you, goodbye, I said no Gifts is an exactly right production. It's produced by our dear friend Analise Nelson, and it's beautifully mixed by Ben Holliday. And we couldn't do it without our guest booker Patrick Kottner. The theme song, of course, could only come from miracle worker Amy Mann. You must follow the show on Instagram. At I said, no gifts. I don't want to hear any excuses. That's where you get to see pictures of all these gorgeous gifts I'm getting. And don't you want to see pictures of the gifts?
Invit?
Did you hear?
Funamin myself perfectly clear? When you're I guess you gotta come to me empty? And I said, no, guest, your own presences presents enough.
I already had too much stuff, So how do you dare to surbey me
