Jennie is joined by her ex-husband and co-parenting partner, actor Peter Facinelli in part 1 of this special episode. Together for the first time, in an intimate conversation, they discuss how they navigated through divorce, transitioned to being co-parents for their three children, and reflect on how they handled things through that time.
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You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garth. Hello, Welcome to the I Choose Me Podcast. This podcast is all about the choices we make and where they lead us. Sometimes life brings you scenarios that we never anticipate, like co parenting after a divorce. When you become a parent, you don't think how will I approach parenting if my relationship falls apart. You only start to think about co parenting when you are forced to because it's now your new reality. Co Parenting can be really frustrating, and it can leave you feeling lonely and defeated. But on the other hand, it can be collaborative and rewarding if everyone is working together. Today I am joined by someone whom I was married to. He's the father of my three girls and someone I will be co parenting with for the rest of my life. We have never sat down together and talked about our divorce or our journey to co parenting. So maybe I'm a little nervous and I'm kind of excited about this conversation. Welcome Peter Facchinelli to the I Choose Me Podcast. This is wild you here?
Yeah. In the I Choose Therapy, A therapy session if it does.
Now that you bring it on this couch, starting to get a little sweaty under my pitt. Yeah, this is wild because we haven't really sat down and had a conversation. It's certainly not a public conversation about anything, you know, regarding our marriage or divorce or co parenting. So this is Yeah, this is a very big step for us.
I think it'll be good. Let's just say this. Uh, start always saying I feel really blessed that we have such wonderful kids, and then we're you know, through the other side of it. I mean, our youngest is seventeen, which she'll be eighteen in a few months, and you know, parenting's hard. It's really hard.
Yeah, you were just twenty one years old when you had a baby.
Yeah, I was a baby having a baby, that is I.
Mean we didn't really understand back then how young that was to become a parent. But now looking back and seeing our own twenty one year old, can you imagine her having a daughter?
Like, no, how did that? I pray every day, I'm like, please, don't I don't have a baby, y, I know, because you know, you need had a little bit of wisdom and a little bit of knowledge at that age. At twenty one, you were a year older, so you weren't that much older twenty two, but you had you've been working since you were fifteen in the business. So you know, I literally just landed in La I moved here, and six months later I was having a baby. So you know, that was that was that wasn't planned obviously. Uh. But uh, you know, we we we lasted a long time and we did for for Hollywood years and uh and we we yeah, here we are.
We had a good run.
We had a we had a very good run. And uh and even when we were apart, you know, we had to we had to work together a lot of times at a lot of times. It wasn't easy. Uh, you know, for either one of us. I think I think that really stems, you know, looking back on it, is I felt like we were two parents that cared a lot, and so whatever friction came up was because we really did care about the about our children. You know, there's some parents that they're just like, I don't care. You know, you deal with it, or I don't care. I'll deal with it, and they're busy. But we both really you know, cared passionately about our kids and really wanted the best for them, and sometimes, you know, our ideologies would would not mesh. But somehow we worked it out and we have really good kids. Yeah. Whatever we did, whether it was right or wrong, like, they grew up to be wonderful kids. Yeah, and I feel very fortunate. I know.
Let's just go back to the beginning, though, because when when we first decided to break up, you know, separate the divorce everything, we settled on shared custody. I think that you know, a lot of the listeners out there are either they're going through a divorce with kids and entering into the next step of co parenting with their ex, or you know, people just want to know how to handle this situation because you don't ever really think when you get together, when you first start a relationship with somebody, who don't think about what are we going to do if this doesn't work out? Like how am I going to co parent with the person? So we settled on shared custody fifty to fifty. I know, for me, there were times when I really emotionally regretted that decision or not fighting harder for more, But at the same time, I knew that having them be fifty percent of their time with you their father was absolutely the best thing for them. And whatever I was dealing with, you know, that part of me that wanted to have them more was just me being selfish and thinking about myself because it hurt so bad when they would leave. How was it for you when that fifty to fifty deal came up?
I mean it was I mean it was always hard. I think listen. Co parenting is hard, Divorce is hard. I didn't have a model for it. My parents were.
We were flying.
Yeah, so I mean married to twenty one, we were together what ten years?
Eleven years I think married.
I mean we were together for five then we got married after five. Luca was you know, was our flower girl, So that's ten five and then I think she was like twelve.
We were married in two thousand and one, divorced in twenty twelve, so that's.
Like eleven years plus plus five fifteen sixteen years. That's that's a long run. And we had three kids, and you know, it broke my heart to break up a family, you know, And it was one of those decisions that was like you never know if you're making the right decision. But you know, we made the decision, and then it was all about trying to find a balance and picking up the kids and knowing that they were going to miss you for the week and then dropping off knowing they were going to miss me for a week. Is it's it's hard. I think they were young. They were well there were Luca was twelve or thirteen, and Lola was like eight or nine. Six No, I think she was like eighty eight or because she was sick when she was six, remember.
And Fiona must have been like she was like four.
Yeah, so you know, not easy at all. Yeah, certainly I wish I had, you know, I wish I could look back and say, here's the way to do it, But I still don't know like the best way. If if it was like, should we have done two weeks apart, but then that feels even longer. I know, sometimes we try that, you know, in the summers, we'd be like, well, maybe two weeks with you, two weeks with me, and that would be you know, too long, and so I don't know, Look, it's a tough thing. I also felt like, you know, for the kids, they'd always like pack a bag and come to my house and then pack a bag and then go to your house. And I always felt like they were like, uh, I feel like they were visiting me and maybe choosing a home, like your house is like the home house, and you know, there's a lot of feelings of like, well is my house the house they come visit? Is your house to come the house they visit? You know, like where is their home? Uh? Some some parents will get what they call nesting and they'll get one house and the parents, you know, move back and forth. And we talked about that, I think for a split second. But you know then you're it's it's hard. You're you know, you break up with somebody, you're not a relationship with them, and you still have to see them all the time. You still have to you know, work with them. You're you're you know, you're you're making decisions together and and and that's not always easy, especially when you know sometimes the decisions aren't something you know that that you both agree on, you know, And I think that was that was hard on both of us because then where's the compromise, you know, like how do you compromise? And in some way we found our way through it, and it wasn't always fun. It wasn't always pleasant, but like I said that, our kids are you know, on the other side of it, our kids turned out really wonderful, and I feel like they needed both of us. You know, they really did a benefit from having both of us. And I always felt that like if you're if the parents are okay, then the kids will be okay. You know. So like like when if we were had tension, I feel like the kids felt it. So I was always trying to keep that away from them. You know. It wasn't always successful, but like when we're in agreement, that always felt like, you know, even if they weren't in agreement with our decision, there was a there was a power dynamic that mom and dad are coming together on this issue. That that was that felt you know, unified and felt good. You know.
Do you recall any times when the girls pitted us against one another?
I mean I recall, like with our youngest when there were times when we were both unified and something. We both sat down with her and she was like she hated that. She was like, this isn't how it works, because she liked being able to kind of pit us against each other where you know in some ways she'll still do it now in some ways where she'll you know, come to my house and it'll be great, and then I'll hear from like our middle daughter Lola, that she'll say something like, oh, well, she said she was kind of sad and depressed, and I'm like, why would she say that? We had a great week together? And then you'll hear she was kind of sad and depressed, but it's really because she wanted to go to a party, and she's kind of playing you, you know, to go to this party.
I think a lot more than yeah.
Yeah. So you know, it's hard because it's like they do, they do play play us against each other. And I think that where we could have done better or I could have done better, probably is communicating more, you know, because we spend a lot of time texting back and forth, and the textings.
So many texts.
Was like, you know, there's a key and Peel skit. I don't know if you ever saw it, but like you know, in the skit, they'll be like, hey, I'm coming over and the other person will be like whatever, and I'll be like whatever.
Oh yes, yes, And so you can really read it, really can.
Read into he didn't put a period there? Or why is it? And caps when my phone just like, really.
I know how you talk so well, like I understand our kidence together and even our sense of humor. So I hear you when I read the text most of the times.
But I think that's dangerous too though, sometimes because sometimes I might be meaning it a completely different way, and you too, like and I think, listen, we haven't really spoken a lot about life about stuff in years, so I honestly don't know me. I don't know, and I don't think you know me. And yet it's like when you go home and you're with like your mom or your dad or you know, your your sisters, and they just treat you like you're sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, like you know the time they saw you last, when you were younger, And so there's this feeling of like, oh, I know her because we were together for so long, but you've grown into this mature, wonderful adult woman and I've grown and so you know, but when we look at each other, we still look at each other like the twenty one, twenty two year old version of each other. So like that becomes dangerous, you know, because we're always kind of reading into things or looking at things, and I think that if we were, you know, And it's hard because there's a lot of well, if I get into if I jump on the phone, I don't want to get into an argument. I don't want to it the room my day. I don't want to. So you end up texting back and forth thinking that you're, you know, trying not to get but then you end up arguing back and forth on a text. There's a lot of wasted time and energy.
We wasted so much time trying to prove our points to one another, and I think one must regret that.
When we when we got together and we ever talked it through, it was like, oh, she's not really attacking me. You know.
I want to ask you just because this is a huge deal when you break up with your family and then you have the kids every other week, and our kids were little, so they it was full time. I remember we lived up north at that time. I had moved up there because you were traveling a lot for work, and you had to actually rent a house up there for your off weeks. Do you remember that.
I don't even remember that.
You don't remember renting that house up that beautiful house with the view, and you literally never stayed in it. Probably why I don't remember it, because the girls didn't want to go to it.
I don't remember it.
Oh my god, I remember.
I think I remember what I remember. We had an r V and so I spent I would. I would stay in the r V when I went up there. I don't remember a house.
I remember the RV. That's where we broke up. Yeah, that's the RV's where you told me it was over.
I think in the r V.
In the RV, that's why we sold that RV. Well, yeah, for me, glad you don't remember. But how did you, like, because you were in pain and healing in your own way from a breakup, how did you do that when you with the kids, when you had the kids or when you didn't.
I mean I when I had the kids, I just made it about them, right, you know? And I think that's was me trying to shield it from them, like I'm okay, you know what I mean? Because look, I think that there's no manual for for for parenting, you know what I mean? And that's it's really hard you get you have a kid. I'm twenty one years old and you're like, well, what do I do? You know, so you just look at what like your parents did. And like my my mom, I never knew if she was happy or sad or you know, she didn't really show her emotions. She kind of just made it about me, you know what I mean, like how was my day? And so she was always like a rock. And so I kind of tried to model that for the kids. And you're more of like, hey, it's okay for the kids to see emotions, yeah, show you know, And I think that's part of your upbringing. So like that's I.
Think one of the biggest differences in our parenting styles. And I knew that early on. I remember going to your house in Queens and Noni Bruna your mom. I remember it was so much energy, the Italian dinners in the family, and I was not used to that. I come from a really quiet family, and I remember just being over. I was pregnant also so feeling those like we weren't married and it was in this Catholic home, like the illegitimate baby mama, like it felt very weird. So I remember there was one point when I just couldn't hold it anymore. My emotions came out, and I remember NONI come back to the girls room where we would stay, and she was like, it's okay, don't cry. Don't cry, like she said, don't cry, don't cry, And for me, I was like, what do you mean don't cry? Like I have to cry to get this out. So you're like that difference in our upbringing was so apparent, and it really did cross over into our parenting styles because you are much more what's the word, when you're not as emotional, not that you're not emotional, but like you're much more.
I try to stay stronger so that my whatever I'm going through doesn't affect them. And so when they came over to the house, it was more about how they're feeling, you know what I mean. So it wasn't like I was suppressing their feelings. It was more of me not you know, showing them how happy, you know, sad about them not being there.
I really tried to do that. You know, you you.
Always yeah, but it's your you know how you were raised, you know what I mean. I think that, like I said, they kind of benefited from both. You know. They looked at it and it was like it's okay to express emotions and it's okay to be wrong, you know. I mean we had also I felt like sometimes we differed in and like parenting in the sense that, you know, when I saw the kids uncomfortable about something, I looked at it as an opportunity for them to grow through it, right, And you still do. We still deal with this because you hate when they're uncomfortable. You just want to make them feel good all the time and hug them and love them. And that's a beautiful trait. And and so we would clash on that because I'm like, you know, when we were together, I remember it was a little easier because, like, you know, we're trying to it's just easy when you're together and you're just supporting each other. And there were times when our youngest, our oldest, Luca, you know, it's five, and you say she's not making any friends. You got to go help her make friends. I go over. I'd be like, hey, this is Luca Belli. You know you need to you should be friends with her. And so and then as she got older, it was like she didn't develop the skill set to like make friends because I was the one making friends for us. So like you know, when I was younger, it was more of an approach of with my parents of like letting me fall and then you know, letting me get up and if they needed me, you know, if they if I really needed them, they were there. But they let me, you know, grow through things, you know what I mean. And you had a mom and dad who just there all the time celebrating you, and like, I always loved it. I think we had two extremes, you know, our upbringings. Our brains were like I could have used a little bit of more of the parent to love nursing. And like, you know, I had my first job. I was twelve years old. I was a paper boy. I was like delivering papers to the neighborhood and I worked seven days a week, you know what I mean. So like having a job is what I knew at an early age. I wanted to instill let my kids and like, you know, if they were uncomfortable out things, and you would call me and be like, well, so and so is bothering them at school, and I'd be like, let's give them tools to like, you know, get through it. And you're you know, it's not something wrong, it's just your ideology is more like, let's let's fix it for them, Let's help them, you know, in the sense of making this space comfortable for them so they can grow, you know. So I think we still deal with that sometimes, you know. But again I think that there's two having the two parenting styles somehow works because we have such incredible children.
What does co parenting mean to you, like in general?
Like, I mean, it's tough.
What does it take?
Yeah, it takes. It takes patience, It takes it takes a lot of and again we could have been better at it, and I still try to be better at it. A lot of trying to understand where the other it's coming from, because I think when we had a passion for something, you know, about something our kids were going through, and we understood, you know, where you were coming from and where I was coming from, even if we didn't agree on the you know, end result of it, there was a compassion there that that I think helped us through it, you know what I mean. So it takes compassion, it takes understanding, it takes I think also when you're divorced, there's a feeling of am I a good parent? Maybe the other person's a better parent, and it flips flops. I feel like you feel that way too, I'm not wrong, like and wanting to the other parent of go, hey, I'm a good parent too, and so you're always trying to prove to the other parent, know I'm I'm Yeah.
There was a lot of that for us, because I would send them to you and I would think they weren't being taken care of well enough or to my standards or whatever it was. But then just I would have to step back from that because like you were doing the best you could and giving them all the things that you knew to give them.
Yeah, Like it was hard because when I drop them off to your house, I'm like, they're with their mom and I know they're safe and they're comfortable and if they need me, I'm here. And I think in the beginning, a lot of it was like are you picking up Fiona at school? Are you are you feeding her this? And so there was a lot of like safeguard and I was like, I got it, I got it covered, don't worry.
I think that's what led us to I remember there was a point for us when you, in one of our many texts exchange, you said leave me alone. I'll do it my way, you do it your way. And those were points where we would just reach a point where we couldn't communicate anymore. Those walls you know, we're up.
Well, it's hard when I'm trying to parent and like I feel like I'm always being looked over, like I'm not doing it well or not doing it right, you know, And it's like I need to be able to have the space to parent my own way. And then you know, we have to come together on obviously certain terms of certain rules and stuff. And it always helped when we had the same rules in the same house. So it wasn't like here's chocolate and candy, you know what I mean. But it wasn't that. It was just always like I think you were a little nervous that I was going to be late, or I was gonna pick up Fiona on time, or do you know, don't forget you has soccer or don't forget And I was like, I have the calendar, I've got it.
You know.
There's a lot of uh.
Yeah, then you were text me like ten minutes before going, wait where do I go?
Yeah? Sometimes, but yeah, it takes listen again, when you break up with someone and then you still have this immense, tremendous responsibility with them. It's you have to put everything aside to like to work together. And there's still a lot of pain there in the relationship not working out. A lot of feeling like if you failed the kids, or you know, we failed the kids in some way, and a lot of feelings of like, you know, my way is right, your way is wrong, your way is right, my way is wrong, and so like. But waiting through all of that and going, well, what's best for them, you know, not not what makes me feel like a good parent or feels you feel like a good parent, What's what's really best for them? And and and it's hard, but it's like, I think what we were good a is we loved our kids so much, you know that we were somehow able to like get to a point where you know, even if we didn't agree, they were okay. You know. I also think kids are resilient. They're very resilient in the sense that we felt like, well, if I lose this point, they're gonna be messed up for life, or you know, if I give in on this, and and and they go to this school and you want them to go to that school that they're gonna their whole life is gonna be, and it's not. I think that they're going to have their lessons in that whatever they're going through, and they're going to grow from that experience. And so I never looked at it like, well, maybe if they went here and they didn't go there, they'd end up differently because they have a way of ending it where they're supposed to be.
Always that's how life works. Yes, But I think that when you are a child of divorce, your younger years are so much more challenging. There's just so much more going on in your head and your heart, you know, conflict and questions and being uncertain, you know. I think that there's so much that they have to process, and that I mean for most people that I've talked to, if you're a child of divorce, that's something that is in you for the rest of your life. It's so when you say I think kids are resilient, I agree with you on some level, But I also think that I.
Think that goes back to our ideologies because like I think that that uncomfortableness that they carry made them strong to be who they are.
I'm not arguing that, No, absolutely, I agree with you. I think every challenge that we all go through takes us to the next step, to the next step, to the next step of our evolution and are growing And I think that. But I think that when kids are put in the position of being children of divorce, you're adding in something that they didn't create. So their natural like story, life journey takes the left turn or right turn.
Yeah, but I'm big on the story of it all because like, whatever story you create for them is the story they're going to believe. And I always felt that what maybe we could have done better is creating a universal story of that would have been more beneficial to them. Like, like I'll give you an example. My dad works seven days a week. You know, I didn't see him Monday through Friday at all. He left in the morning at nine am. I went to school at six at seven am, so I went to school before he woke up. And then he would come home at two am, so I didn't see him. And on Saturdays he worked, so I saw him in the mornings and then I saw him on Sunday. That's all that's I saw. So I saw my dad one day week. And if I had a mom who was just like, your dad's never here, he's never around. I'm doing everything around here, I would have hated my dad. But I had a mom who was always like, your dad's working so hard for us, your dad's putting food on the table. Your dad, you know, work hard, because your dad works hard, and you got you know, he's going to be proud of you. And and so this tape that I was hearing, my dad was a superhero to me. And I never was angry at him for not being around. I looked at him as as this role model of like somebody who like gave up a lot for his family. And I feel like, you know, so that the tape we play for our kids of like, you know, a lot of times we would villainize each other, you know, and and it would just be there, not in the sense that we've villainize each other in front of our kids, but like they could tell if there's tension there or like you're in a disagreement with me, or I'm in disagreement with you, and they feel it, and like you know, his mom, right, and then you're putting them in a position. We're putting them in positions to like choose sides and so like, yes, there's a something they carry, and I don't come from divorced parents, so I don't know what that would be. But I always felt like if you and I stayed unified, if you and I could could get along, if you and I, you know, could work together, and they saw that there was still love there, you know, and even though we weren't in this relationship, that they could walk away going you know, with the story of mom and dad are still in each in our corners. Maybe they're not together, but they're in our corners, and and then they would grow from a more positive experience out of it instead of like is bad.
I agree with you. I do agree with you. I think that we're talking about two different things that I think we're talking about the psychological impact of a divorce on a young child and how it progresses to the rest of our life. And I think we're also talking about the story or trying to model for your kids. And I think that what you're saying is absolutely true. Actually, it was making me a little feel a little emotional while you were talking about that, because I know I could have been better about that, and I know, you know, I could have been better about that, and that's hard for me because I did my best, but sometimes my best wasn't the best, you know, and I acknowledge that, and like it pains me now to see that that I created something there for us to deal with, for them to deal with because of my just my pain or whatever it was. Like I said, we haven't really talked about.
Anything, but here's the thing, like even though you might have felt that, and you feel that now and like you know, yeah, we went through that, Like I know that. Our daughter Lola today was like I'm so I'm so excited for your mom to talk about because they're because they know that. You know, our kids really like I mean, knock on wood, they're they're just so incredible, you know what I mean. Like I'm so proud of them. They're so smart, they're so like our daughter's twenty and like she doesn't even like to like drink, she doesn't go out partying. She's like very like focused on what she wants out of life. Like I mean, I didn't have it all together at twenty, you know what I mean. The way our kids have it together, and our oldest daughter too, you know, is. You know, she went off to New York at twenty three or twenty four and on her own, you know, got an apartment on our own, got a job on her own, and was able to like you know, be autonomous and like we were always there for her, but she didn't, you know, she was able to take care of herself and to this day still is. And like I look at that and I'm like, well, we most have done something right, because you know, a lot of kids today, if they grow up and they're too reliant on their parents, they don't leave the house till live thirty. You know. I know a lot of friends whose kids are just like still kind of kicking around, not knowing partying or you know, getting into drugs or like, we were really blessed with our kids that they they just grew up so wonderful. And I think it. You know, I can't. I can't sit here and say we did a terrible job when our kids are so good, because I really think that, you know, whatever happened, you know, yes, there were things we could have dealt with better on both ends, but like they really benefited from from both both worlds. You know, I think, I think when you're co parenting too, if you got if if they're parents out there that are getting divorced, if they could put you know, I was going to ask you all of that pain aside and and the differences aside, and try to keep the front unified and get on the phone and and and if you have a disagreement or don't see eye on something, texting isn't going to help, you, know what I mean. I think both of us felt like, oh, I don't want to rock the apple cart, and like call and rock the boat, tip the apple car, knock the boat.
Spill the go ahead.
This is why we got divorce. Don't text because because because when you when you can talk to the other person, as hard as it is. No, but that's the thing when you're when you're divorced, you don't want to have to talk to the other person, you know what I mean, And you want to talk as little as possible, but you have to when you have kids involved.
You have you have I know, did you, like I said before, you never looked at me and thought I'm going to be bound to this person for the rest of my life by having children with her.
No, I mean, when you don't really think of it. I mean when you're when you listen. When we had our first child, I wasn't thinking about you know, life, I was twenty one years old. I was thinking about the moments, you know, and we came together very fast, very fierce, was very you know quick, and then I remember thinking, well, let's move in together and see how it goes. And then it kind of just went. Like five years went by, and I thought, well, we should get married, and then we got married, and then we had another kid, and then it felt like it was almost like an arranged marriage in a way, and things seemed well, and you know, you know, we we had disagreements here and there, but it was like I think it was so.
We were really young, we really did create a special family. Yeah, like whatever was going on between you and I really felt separate a lot of the time. And then our little happy family dwelling.
Well, I think we were able to shield it more from the kids. And also I don't think I spoke up as much, you know what I mean, because I was younger, I hadn't really formed my own identity of who I was yet, and so I just felt like, well, I'll just be what everybody needs me to be and I think that, you know, it's time went bio. I was like, well, I don't even know who I am anymore, you know what I mean, Like I kind of fell into your world because you had more of an established world. And that was tough because I remember we had a beautiful house, but like you know, I didn't have anything on the walls that I felt like was mine. I felt like I was like supporting this life that it was yours that I didn't like. When we got divorced, I didn't know what furniture to put in my house. I didn't even know what color I wanted to paint the walls. I was like, I don't, I don't know. I had to really find me, you know what I mean, because I was so for so many years living this, you know, for being a dad, living these parts, you know, being a husband, being a dad, being this perfect family, and so I never really fully got in touch with and I didn't really have time to. I mean, I went from my mom and dad's house, moved to l A. You know, I had been working on projects, and within six months we were having a baby. So you know, I didn't fully have the I didn't I didn't have a sense of who I was, and so I was just trying to be all these things for other people, you know. So when that fell apart, it took me time to try to, you know, get in touch with me and what I liked and what do I want for dinner? I don't know. You know, do you.
Remember that being like a main part of your decision to get a divorce, like that you felt like, I need to find myself. I need to be able to express myself. I'm not not able to do that in this marriage.
I felt that. Yeah, I felt a lot of it was like I was in this marriage and it felt to me a little bit like an arranged marriage, you know what I mean. Like I loved you, and we had this beautiful family on you know, from the outside, but I just was I hadn't hadn't developed who I was, So like, how could you love me? I don't even know how you could love me because I didn't know me, you know what I mean. I was whatever you needed me to be, Like like sometimes you would we would drive up to your mom's house, and I was the guy who drove, you know, I planned the vacations, I was the dad. I was the soccer coach I was, and then I go play parts and I was this other person playing parts, and so I was just like, well, I never got the fully develop me. I didn't know who I was, and so I needed to figure that out, you know.
And you didn't feel like you.
I didn't feel like I had the space to do it, to do that within the marriage. No, So I think that was a big part of it, because I felt like time was going by and I didn't want to wake up and be like sixty years old and feel like, well did I live this life for all these other people and not know who I was. I just needed to go sort that, you know what I mean. And I think I listened. It was all all part of just you know, you you had already been established and working since you were fifteen, so like by the time you were twenty two, I was young, but like we were in different places, you know what I mean, We're just in different places. At twenty two, you were already eight seven years, eight years into you know, your show and almost wanting to retire, and I was just like, no, I'm just starting. I want to explore you my career, my craft, and I just it was it was just also timing, you know, I mean of where we were, I.
Mean, considering all of that. We really did last a long time. I think because of the children, yea, you know, we kept having.
I think that if we didn't have kids, I wouldn't have stayed because I would have had the freedom to go, Okay, I need to be able to figure out who I am, you know.
I think though, if you love someone and you are in a family, Like I'm not trying to debate your decision at all, because I everything's great now, but like I think, if you can ultimately grow and find yourself in a relationship rather than saying I need to leave my family to figure that out.
There was there's part of me, listen, and I was very conflicted. There was part of me that was like do I stay in this? Do I do I do I, you know, leave it. I also felt gutted to like break up family apart. You know. It was it was It wasn't an easy decision by any means. It was. It was a decision that I felt like I kind of had to make, and I feel, like, you know you, looking back, I feel like it was the right decision because what you don't want to do is stay in a relationship and play a part and then feel like your life went by and the kids, you know, grew up in it. But they were you know, they they didn't that there was an underlying emptiness there that I wouldn't have been able to like, yeah, I would have had you know.
It's almost like, on one hand, they missed out on that idyllic family my parents are still married kind of thing. But on the other hand, they gained so much more emotional depth and so much more strength, I think, and so many other things from experiencing the way it happened with us.
Well, I hope look, if my kids are ever in a relationship that they feel like, Okay, this relationship isn't really you know, servicing me in a way that's making me grow. And I hope that they, you know, have the courage to leave the relationship so that they can continue to grow and learn. And I think, look, wherever we were at that time, I didn't feel like I had the space to do it within our relationship, and so part of it was like, what am I staying in this relationship to teach them? Because what if they get into relationship one day and they don't want to leave it because they don't want to they don't want to break the ideal like you know, image image of this. You know, it's hard to leave relationship, especially the longer you're in it. It takes a lot of it takes a lot of courage, it's actually to do that.
So yeah, I felt like you wanted me to like say like, thank you for your courage, but I could never get to that. I don't. I don't, I am I honestly, I remember distinctly you saying to me in that r V Jen someday you're going to thank me for this, and I got so pissed at you. I was like, I'm never gonna thank you for this, Like I mean, but.
You're You're in a wonderful marriage now with it, but now incredible.
My point is like, I thank you for doing it, for all the growth that I've experienced from it, and because of it, it wouldn't be who I am now, and I wouldn't be, you know, the parent that I am now without well, first of all, without your partnership through all of the ups and downs of it, of co parenting. No matter if we wanted to kill each other at times, or not, we still were there for one another. They always had a dad, And I have the space within my heart now to really find all those areas of respect for you and your decision, why you made it for yourself, and how hard that was for you, and your concern with the girl's feelings and how it affected them. And I have a lot of just gratitude knowing that you were a full time dad, like you were always there for the girls. You are always there for the girls, and you're always there for me if I call you and I need some help with something or I'm struggling. There were times when I didn't feel that support from you when things were not good, and that was so difficult. I think that when women, when you're in a situation where your family is everything and then your husband's no longer with you, you feel alone and terrified, and especially if that partner isn't amicable or showing that support or that respect for you the mother as the mother, you know. I think that that is something I'm just so grateful for. Okay, I think this is a good place to take a pause. Ten years ago, I never imagined that I would be having this conversation about our divorce and co parenting publicly no less, and I have to be honest, this conversation is hard for me on a few levels, but I am really glad that Peter and I are having it and we have more to say, but let's save that. I just want to say, I hope that if you or someone you know is going through a breakup or divorce, you take away from this. As cliche as it sounds, time does heal those wounds. I know, I know, I hated when people would say that to me in the throes of it all, but like any loss, those intense feelings do subside over time. I mean, look at us, Peter and I have come a long way, and I am really proud of the progress that we've made over the years. As we move forward on this journey of choosing ourselves, let's do this. I encourage you this week to look back on a challenging time that you have experienced in your own life. Maybe you've gone through a divorce or lost a job, or experienced an illness or financial difficulties, and now you're on the other side of that challenge. I want you to give yourself a little grace and congratulate yourself on how you process that and move forward. Seriously, think of it as giving yourself a hug. You did that. We are all warriors and survivors, but sometimes we forget to be our own cheerleaders. Thank you for listening to I Choose Me and Hey, Hey, make sure to follow us on Instagram at I Choose Me with Jenny Garth. I really love hearing from you. I love you, and I hope you choose to come back next week