Episode Summary: 

Marriage is a commitment borne on the wings of love that embraces the whole person, warts and all…for better, for worse; for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. But at a time when commitment levels are low and failure rates are high, we need to be pro-active in protecting our marriages, and looking at them from a biblically-based, hope-filled perspective. Dr. Gary Lovejoy and I talk about the keys to long-term marital success and happiness.

Quotables from the episode:
Every relationship has its unique issues, but there are identifiable patterns that predict the most likely outcomes in the struggle to make a good life together.
You say that aggressiveness and passivity are both a cover for fear. What do you mean? Well, because when we're fearful we have different possible reactions. Sometimes when we're fearful we lash out because we think that aggression will protect us. And this is particularly true for men, And it's also true for women too, but they'll lash out in various ways of being angry. Sometimes sadly enough, it can even lead to physical, espousal abuse. And all they may, in their fear, may withdraw. They just say, "I'm afraid to talk, I'm afraid to share, I'm afraid to open." Sometimes they come from families where they were very close families. No one talked about anything. All issues and conflicts were simply buried. And that's, so that becomes their M.O.
Humility is often misunderstood. I look at humility in terms of the ability to understand who we are and who God is and the difference between the two, and that there is an inexplicable relationship between humility and self -esteem. People who have low self -esteem, we think, oh, they're humble. You know, they're always putting themselves down. That's not humility. Actually, humility requires self-esteem. The two are so closely interact-related.
What Paul was saying is that the husband must be humble enough to serve his wife and to love her and the wife is doing turns serve her husband and By serving loving, loving and serving are two sides and same point if you love them. You'll want to serve them if you sir and as you serve them you love them more and so there's a reciprocity there that's definition of humility and it's essential for a good strong marriage, because if you don't serve one another, you don't respect each other. And if you don't respect each other, you don't have the kind of intimacy that can otherwise be possible.
You talk about the family as being, I love this term, incubator of bad habits. What do you mean by that? Well, what we learn in how to resolve conflict is we watch how it's done in home. The only models we have are the ones that we're at home. We don't live with anybody else. We just live with our parents and our family. And if what goes on at home is mom and dad don't talk to each other, or they have arguments and never resolve them, or they yell at each other constantly, or they withdraw, then dad draws, or mom withdraws in the cold atmosphere, and that's how they handle every conflict, and then eventually wears off, and then the next day, or it's OK, that's how they learn to resolve conflict. And so when they go into their marriages, they know nothing different. And so they walk in, and they're handling conflict the way their family always is.
So, it's fair to say then transparency is the hallmark of a good marriage? Absolutely. If we're not transparent, there's no way we can deal with the issues. You know, the issues don't go away simply by ignoring them. And a lot of people handle them that way, they just hope they'll go away and they ignore them. But conflict is not a bad thing. We think conflict, oh, that's a bad thing, but I don't view it as bad a thing. I view it as opportunities for growth. Because if we all, there are sometimes couples who succeed, actually succeed in becoming clones of each other, because they both fear conflict. So they cover over their differences and they come in and their whole marriage is a pretense. And it's not that satisfying.
The first thing that's important in resolving conflict is to come at it, not from an accusation point of view, but say, but talking about how can we make things better. There's some things that I'm not sure how to handle well, and so I thought if we can sit down and talk about it, that maybe we can figure out a better way to handle it. Now it's a "we" thing, not a "you" thing. Once you make it "you" thing, it's an accusation. If it's a "we" thing, then, and in every way, you say, well, it's not, I'm not at fault. My part of my, my spouse is at fault. You say, no, in every conflict, each person is doing something wrong. Even if you think you are the one who is the victim, it's how you respond as a victim that may be part of the problem. So, so anytime I was working, when I worked with couples, I always talked about how they can digest each other's roles and, and, And how they can see that they have some things to do to grow in this relationship just as much as their partner does. So it’s a reciprocal thing.
Marriage is a commitment borne on the wings of love that embraces the whole person, warts and all.
Protecting your marriage from the assaults on its integrity and loyalty is paramount to preserving it.
Many couples start marriage with false expectation, weak commitment, or past wounds – all that eventually come to the surface when relationships face challenges.
It’s incumbent upon every couple to periodically assess the current state of their marriage to determine if there are any ways they relate to each other that are perceived to be disrespectful or that draw down the level of trust in one another.
The unexamined life is simply not an option if you want a satisfying marriage.
Contemporary marriages fail at close to 50%. For those who marry again, second marriages fail at 67% and third marriages at 73%. Most marriages die from apathy.
Most of us don’t learn from failure the first time around.
Divorce is trifling with God’s work…the truth is you will never have a union between two perfect people.

Recommended Resources: 
Marriages in the Bible: What Do They Tell Us? By Gary H. Lovejoy, Ph.D.  
Light in the Darkness: Finding Hope in the Shadow of DepressionBy Gary H. Lovejoy, Ph.D.
8 Things Every Woman Should Know About DepressionBy Gary H. Lovejoy, Ph.D.
Sacred Scars: Resting in God’s Promise That Your Past Is Not Wasted by Dr. Michelle Bengtson
The Hem of His Garment: Reaching Out To God When Pain Overwhelms by Dr. Michelle Bengtson, winner AWSA 2024 Golden Scroll Christian Living Book of the Year and the 2024 Christian Literary Awards Reader’s Choice Award in the Christian Living and Non-Fiction categories
YouVersion 5-Day Devotional Reaching Out To God When Pain Overwhelms
Today is Going to be a Good Day: 90 Promises from God to Start Your Day Off Right by Dr. Michelle Bengtson, AWSA Member of the Year, winner of the AWSA 2023 Inspirational Gift Book of the Year Award, the 2024 Christian Literary Awards Reader’s Choice Award in the Devotional category, the 2023 Christian Literary Awards Reader’s Choice Award in four categories, and the Christian Literary Awards Henri Award for Devotionals
YouVersion Devotional, Today is Going to be a Good Day version 1
YouVersion Devotional, Today is Going to be a Good Day version 2
Revive & Thrive Women’s Online Conference
Revive & Thrive Summit 2
Trusting God through Cancer Summit 1
Trusting God through Cancer Summit 2
Breaking Anxiety’s Grip: How to Reclaim the Peace God Promises by Dr. Michelle Bengtson, winner of the AWSA 2020 Best Christian Living Book First Place, the first place winner for the Best Christian Living Book, the 2020 Carolina Christian  Writer’s Conference Contest winner for nonfiction, and winner of the 2021 Christian Literary Award’s Reader’s Choice Award in all four categories for which it was nominated (Non-Fiction Victorious Living, Christian Living Day By Day, Inspirational Breaking Free and Testimonial Justified by Grace categories.)
YouVersion Bible Reading Plan for Breaking Anxiety’s Grip
Breaking Anxiety’s Grip Free Study Guide
Free PDF Resource: How to Fight Fearful/Anxious Thoughts and Win
Hope Prevails: Insights from a Doctor’s Personal Journey Through Depression by Dr. Michelle Bengtson, winner of the Christian Literary Award Henri and Reader’s Choice Award
Hope Prevails Bible Study by Dr. Michelle Bengtson, winner of the Christian Literary Award Reader’s Choice Award
Free Webinar: Help for When You’re Feeling Blue

 

Social Media Links for Host and Guest:

Connect with Dr. Gary Lovejoy:

Website

For more hope, stay connected with Dr. Bengtson at:

Order Book Sacred Scars / Order Book The Hem of His Garment / Order Book Today is Going to be a Good Day / Order Book  Breaking Anxiety’s Grip / Order Book Hope Prevails  /  Website  /   Blog  /  Facebook / Twitter (@DrMBengtson)  /  LinkedIn  /  Instagram / Pinterest / YouTube / Podcast on Apple

 

Guest:

Dr. Gary Lovejoy earned his doctorate from United States International University. He was in private practice in professional counseling for over 40 years, specializing in marriage counseling and in the treatment of anxiety disorders and depression. He is the author of Light in the Darkness: Finding Hope in the Shadow of Depression and 8 Things Every Woman Should Know About Depression.

 

Hosted By: Dr. Michelle Bengtson

Audio Technical Support: Bryce Bengtson

Episode Summary: 
Marriage is a commitment borne on the wings of love that embraces the whole person, warts and all&hellip;for better, for worse; for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. But at a time when commitment levels are low and failure rates are high, we need to be pro-active in protecting our marriages, and looking at them from a biblically-based, hope-filled perspective. Dr. Gary Lovejoy and I talk about the keys to long-term marital success and happiness.
Quotables from the episode:
<ul>
<li>Every relationship has its unique issues, but there are identifiable patterns that predict the most likely outcomes in the struggle to make a good life together.</li>
<li>You say that aggressiveness and passivity are both a cover for fear. What do you mean? Well, because when we're fearful we have different possible reactions. Sometimes when we're fearful we lash out because we think that aggression will protect us. And this is particularly true for men, And it's also true for women too, but they'll lash out in various ways of being angry. Sometimes sadly enough, it can even lead to physical, espousal abuse. And all they may, in their fear, may withdraw. They just say, "I'm afraid to talk, I'm afraid to share, I'm afraid to open." Sometimes they come from families where they were very close families. No one talked about anything. All issues and conflicts were simply buried. And that's, so that becomes their M.O.</li>
<li>Humility is often misunderstood. I look at humility in terms of the ability to understand who we are and who God is and the difference between the two, and that there is an inexplicable relationship between humility and self -esteem. People who have low self -esteem, we think, oh, they're humble. You know, they're always putting themselves down. That's not humility. Actually, humility requires self-esteem. The two are so closely interact-related.</li>
<li>What Paul was saying is that the husband must be humble enough to serve his wife and to love her and the wife is doing turns serve her husband and By serving loving, loving and serving are two sides and same point if you love them. You'll want to serve them if you sir and as you serve them you love them more and so there's a reciprocity there that's definition of humility and it's essential for a good strong marriage, because if you don't serve one another, you don't respect each other. And if you don't respect each other, you don't have the kind of intimacy that can otherwise be possible.</li>
<li>You talk about the family as being, I love this term, incubator of bad habits. What do you mean by that? Well, what we learn in how to resolve conflict is we watch how it's done in home. The only models we have are the ones that we're at home. We don't live with anybody else. We just live with our parents and our family. And if what goes on at home is mom and dad don't talk to each other, or they have arguments and never resolve them, or they yell at each other constantly, or they withdraw, then dad draws, or mom withdraws in the cold atmosphere, and that's how they handle every conflict, and then eventually wears off, and then the next day, or it's OK, that's how they learn to resolve conflict. And so when they go into their marriages, they know nothing different. And so they walk in, and they're handling conflict the way their family always is.</li>
<li>So, it's fair to say then transparency is the hallmark of a good marriage? Absolutely. If we're not transparent, there's no way we can deal with the issues. You know, the issues don't go away simply by ignoring them. And a lot of people handle them that way, they just hope they'll go away and they ignore them. But conflict is not a bad thing. We think conflict, oh, that's a bad thing, but I don't view it as bad a thing. I view it as opportunities for growth. Because if we all, there are sometimes couples who succeed, actually succeed in becoming clones of each other, because they both fear conflict. So they cover over their differences and they come in and their whole marriage is a pretense. And it's not that satisfying.</li>
<li>The first thing that's important in resolving conflict is to come at it, not from an accusation point of view, but say, but talking about how can we make things better. There's some things that I'm not sure how to handle well, and so I thought if we can sit down and talk about it, that maybe we can figure out a better way to handle it. Now it's a "we" thing, not a "you" thing. Once you make it "you" thing, it's an accusation. If it's a "we" thing, then, and in every way, you say, well, it's not, I'm not at fault. My part of my, my spouse is at fault. You say, no, in every conflict, each person is doing something wrong. Even if you think you are the one who is the victim, it's how you respond as a victim that may be part of the problem. So, so anytime I was working, when I worked with couples, I always talked about how they can digest each other's roles and, and, And how they can see that they have some things to do to grow in this relationship just as much as their partner does. So it&rsquo;s a reciprocal thing.</li>
<li>Marriage is a commitment borne on the wings of love that embraces the whole person, warts and all.</li>
<li>Protecting your marriage from the assaults on its integrity and loyalty is paramount to preserving it.</li>
<li>Many couples start marriage with false expectation, weak commitment, or past wounds &ndash; all that eventually come to the surface when relationships face challenges.</li>
<li>It&rsquo;s incumbent upon every couple to periodically assess the current state of their marriage to determine if there are any ways they relate to each other that are perceived to be disrespectful or that draw down the level of trust in one another.</li>
<li>The unexamined life is simply not an option if you want a satisfying marriage.</li>
<li>Contemporary marriages fail at close to 50%. For those who marry again, second marriages fail at 67% and third marriages at 73%. Most marriages die from apathy.</li>
<li>Most of us don&rsquo;t learn from failure the first time around.</li>
<li>Divorce is trifling with God&rsquo;s work&hellip;the truth is you will never have a union between two perfect people.</li>
</ul>
Recommended Resources: 
<ul>
<li><a href="https://amzn.to/4oQFMbQ">Marriages in the Bible: What Do They Tell Us?</a> By Gary H. Lovejoy, Ph.D. &nbsp;</li>
<li><a href="https://amzn.to/4oQFMbQ">Light in the Darkness: Finding Hope in the Shadow of Depression</a> By Gary H. Lovejoy, Ph.D.</li>
<li><a href="https://amzn.to/460gPTC">8 Things Every Woman Should Know About Depression</a> By Gary H. Lovejoy, Ph.D.</li>
<li><a href="https://amzn.to/3OpAZgQ">Sacred Scars: Resting in God&rsquo;s Promise That Your Past Is Not Wasted</a>&nbsp;by Dr. Michelle Bengtson</li>
<li><a href="https://amzn.to/3sCoqqm">The Hem of His Garment: Reaching Out To God When Pain Overwhelms</a> by Dr. Michelle Bengtson, winner AWSA 2024 Golden Scroll Christian Living Book of the Year and the 2024 Christian Literary Awards Reader&rsquo;s Choice Award in the Christian Living and Non-Fiction categories</li>
<li>YouVersion 5-Day Devotional&nbsp;<a href="http://bible.us/r/A57">Reaching Out To God When Pain Overwhelms</a></li>
<li><a href="https://amzn.to/3twWnXp">Today is Going to be a Good Day: 90 Promises from God to Start Your Day Off Right</a> by Dr. Michelle Bengtson, AWSA Member of the Year, winner of the AWSA 2023 Inspirational Gift Book of the Year Award, the 2024 Christian Literary Awards Reader&rsquo;s Choice Award in the Devotional category, the 2023 Christian Literary Awards Reader&rsquo;s Choice Award in four categories, and the Christian Literary Awards Henri Award for Devotionals</li>
<li><a href="https://www.bible.com/en-GB/reading-plans/31089-today-is-going-to-be-a-good-day">YouVersion Devotional, Today is Going to be a Good Day version 1</a></li>
<li><a href="https://my.bible.com/reading-plans/31151-today-is-going-to-be-another-good-day">YouVersion Devotional, Today is Going to be a Good Day version 2</a></li>
<li><a href="https://leanhealthyageless.com/revive-and-thrive-landing-mb/">Revive &amp; Thrive Women&rsquo;s Online Conference</a></li>
<li><a href="https://leanhealthyageless.com/fall-2020-revive-and-thrive-landing/">Revive &amp; Thrive Summit 2</a></li>
<li><a href="https://bit.ly/3mJPixb">Trusting God through Cancer Summit 1</a></li>
<li><a href="https://bit.ly/3to2SJc">Trusting God through Cancer Summit 2</a></li>
<li><a href="https://amzn.to/2ZSTP4N">Breaking Anxiety&rsquo;s Grip: How to Reclaim the Peace God Promises</a>&nbsp;by Dr. Michelle Bengtson, winner of the AWSA 2020 Best Christian Living Book First Place, the first place winner for the Best Christian Living Book, the 2020 Carolina Christian&nbsp; Writer&rsquo;s Conference Contest winner for nonfiction, and winner of the 2021 Christian Literary Award&rsquo;s Reader&rsquo;s Choice Award in all four categories for which it was nominated (Non-Fiction Victorious Living, Christian Living Day By Day, Inspirational Breaking Free and Testimonial Justified by Grace categories.)</li>
<li><a href="https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/16633-breaking-anxietys-grip-by-michelle-bengtson">YouVersion Bible Reading Plan for Breaking Anxiety&rsquo;s Grip</a></li>
<li><a href="https://drmichellebengtson.com/breaking-anxietys-grip-study-guide/">Breaking Anxiety&rsquo;s Grip Free Study Guide</a></li>
<li>Free PDF Resource: <a href="https://drmichellebengtson.com/fight-anxious-fearful-thoughts-download/">How to Fight Fearful/Anxious Thoughts and Win</a></li>
<li><a href="https://amzn.to/2zB0e7J">Hope Prevails: Insights from a Doctor&rsquo;s Personal Journey Through Depression</a>&nbsp;by Dr. Michelle Bengtson, winner of the Christian Literary Award Henri and Reader&rsquo;s Choice Award</li>
<li><a href="https://amzn.to/2yMdN46">Hope Prevails Bible Study</a>&nbsp;by Dr. Michelle Bengtson, winner of the Christian Literary Award Reader&rsquo;s Choice Award</li>
<li>Free Webinar: <a href="https://drmichellebengtson.com/10-tips-to-beat-the-blues-webinar-replay-sign-up/">Help for When You&rsquo;re Feeling Blue</a></li>
</ul>
&nbsp;
Social Media Links for Host and Guest:
Connect with Dr. Gary Lovejoy:<a href="https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCp5OPMBEJFeZN0ePx6lr8ag"></a>
<a href="https://heartswithpromise.com/">Website</a>
For more hope, stay connected with Dr. Bengtson at:
Order Book <a href="https://amzn.to/3OpAZgQ">Sacred Scars</a> / Order Book <a href="https://amzn.to/3sCoqqm">The Hem of His Garment</a> / Order Book <a href="https://amzn.to/3twWnXp">Today is Going to be a Good Day</a> / Order Book &nbsp;<a href="https://amzn.to/2Vvipro">Breaking Anxiety&rsquo;s Grip</a>&nbsp;/ Order Book&nbsp;<a href="https://amzn.to/2Vus9SJ">Hope Prevails</a>&nbsp; / &nbsp;<a href="https://www.drmichellebengtson.com/">Website</a>&nbsp; / &nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="https://drmichellebengtson.com/category/blog/">Blog</a>&nbsp; /&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="https://www.facebook.com/DrMichelleBengtson">Facebook</a>&nbsp;/&nbsp;<a href="https://www.twitter.com/DrMBengtson">Twitter</a>&nbsp;(@DrMBengtson) &nbsp;/&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="https://www.linkedin.com/in/DrMichelleBengtson">LinkedIn</a>&nbsp;&nbsp;/&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="https://www.instagram.com/drmichellebengtson">Instagram</a>&nbsp;/&nbsp;<a href="https://www.pinterest.com/Drbhopeprevails">Pinterest</a>&nbsp;/&nbsp;<a href="https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCn92DHzGSZk8psDb2FKazOQ">YouTube</a> / <a href="https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/your-hope-filled-perspective-dr-michelle-bengtson-podcast/id1468018011">Podcast on Apple</a>
&nbsp;
Guest:
Dr. Gary Lovejoy earned his doctorate from United States International University. He was in private practice in professional counseling for over 40 years, specializing in marriage counseling and in the treatment of anxiety disorders and depression. He is the author of Light in the Darkness: Finding Hope in the Shadow of Depression and 8 Things Every Woman Should Know About Depression.
&nbsp;
Hosted By:&nbsp;Dr. Michelle Bengtson
Audio Technical Support: Bryce Bengtson

Your Hope-Filled Perspective draws on Dr. Michelle Bengtson’s almost 3 decades of clinical expertise as a neuropsychologist to help her listeners regain hope, renew their minds, and transform their lives. With a perfect balance of clinical expertise, compassion, and vulnerability, Dr. Bengtson and her guests purpose to share Biblically-based hope-filled perspectives for real-life issues, struggles, and concerns. Voted #2 in 2022's Podcast Magazine's Top 50 Moms in Podcasting.

Your Hope-Filled Perspective with Dr. Michelle Bengtson podcast

Your Hope-Filled Perspective draws on Dr. Michelle Bengtson&rsquo;s almost 3 decades of clinical expertise as a neuropsychologist to help her listeners regain hope, renew their minds, and transform their lives. With a perfect balance of clinical expertise, compassion, and vulnerability, Dr. Bengtson and her guests purpose to share Biblically-based hope-filled perspectives for real-life issues, struggles, and concerns. Voted #2 in 2022's Podcast Magazine's Top 50 Moms in Podcasting.