Episode Summary: 

In this episode of Your Hope-Filled Perspective, we continue our Sacred Scar Story Series, where we talk with individuals who have experienced deep pain, but have also seen God bring healing and redemption.

My guest, Phylis Mantelli, shares her journey of growing up with a narcissistic, alcoholic mother in a chaotic and abusive environment—facing stress, shame, and secrets from an early age. Despite a childhood marked by dysfunction, trauma, and loss, Phyllis eventually chose to pursue healing and break the cycle of generational pain in her own family.

Through honest reflection, deep faith, and intentional work, she now helps other women confront their own “mother wounds” and embrace the truth that God can transform even our most painful stories into something sacred. You’ll be encouraged by her transparency, wisdom, and hope-filled perspective.

 

Quotables from the episode:
Some of your hardest stories become the very thing that you are able to help others through if you can find healing for yourself.
I was raised by a dysfunctional, alcoholic, narcissistic mom and everyday was living on the edge of stress, and shame, and secrets.
My mom kidnapped us, my dad came home to an empty house with no family. It took him three and a half months to find us.
At eight years old, we moved in with my mother’s boyfriend, my sister’s father, and started a whole new life.
Imagine being plucked out of your childhood and everything you’ve known and you’re just supposed to start a new school the next day like nothing is going on.
My mom had violence in her relationships our entire lives, so we witnessed violence growing up—we were physically and verbally abused.
Growing up, being told to be strong and not tell anyone about it, I didn’t realize it until many years later that I’m actually a very highly sensitive person but because I was taught to be tough, I became a really strong coverer of all kinds of wounds. So I had a lot of rage but I didn’t even realize that’s what it was.
With secrets, you think that you’re the only person going through things. There was so much shame attached to that that I never shared my story with anyone.
After 61 years, I was finally able to grieve my story. And I realized that I’m not alone and there are many other women who have gone through similar things and I want to learn how to help them.
Through trial and error, and being able to say the words, “I’m sorry” and “tell me more,” I was able to deep conversations with my daughters and break off that generational dysfunction. It takes work, and that’s the kind of thing I love to do in my ministry, by helping other women get to that place.
I became a Christian at 35, and I realized that my life is worthy. I am loved because I am a child of God and He has always had his hand on me. I felt God through all the trials in my life and even in the things I did wrong. I didn’t love myself…I wanted someone to love me, and now I know that God does.
I needed to say “no more” for looking for outside sources to love me. I had to love myself and I spent a lot of time on the floor crying out to God. It’s not about the stuff you do. It’s about the heart of where you are. God hears you and loves you. You don’t have to do X, Y, Z to earn his love.
You have to look back over your history and realize someone has been carrying you even through all the muck, and that means they love you.
Shame sounds like, “If they find out your secrets, they are never going to like you and they are going to fun from you.”
When you hold onto secrets, it’s like a little gift inside your body that is so tight that it’s ready to explode, and that’s a gift Satan wants you to not open up because he knows that once you open it up and let it out, no matter what, it holds no power over you anymore.
Tell your story to safe people. Secrets have to come out. You cannot get to a place of peace until healing takes place in your body.
Satan likes to tell us all the things we aren’t, but God loves to tell us all the things we are. Nothing will separate us from his love.
If you really want to heal, you have to start doing things differently. You can’t keep doing things the same way and expect a different result—it’s likely not going to happen.
We have to choose to pursue our healing. God isn’t going to force it on us.
Every family is different so don’t do the comparison thing and think “I want to be like that family over there.” Do what works for you. Where you are and what works for your family and brings your family peace and comfort may not look like others.
God is giving you God-kisses in the most gentle of ways and we have to open our eyes to see it even in the midst of great struggle.

Scripture References:
Psalm 91:11 “For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.”

Recommended Resources: 
Unmothered: Life With a Mom Who Couldn’t Love Me by Phylis Mantelli 
Dysfunctional Mother Daughter Relationships: Hope for Breaking the Cycle—Episode 108 
Healing Dysfunctional Relationships
Sacred Scars: Resting in God’s Promise That Your Past Is Not Wasted by Dr. Michelle Bengtson
The Hem of His Garment: Reaching Out To God When Pain Overwhelms by Dr. Michelle Bengtson, winner AWSA 2024 Golden Scroll Christian Living Book of the Year and the 2024 Christian Literary Awards Reader’s Choice Award in the Christian Living and Non-Fiction categories
YouVersion 5-Day Devotional Reaching Out To God When Pain Overwhelms
Today is Going to be a Good Day: 90 Promises from God to Start Your Day Off Right by Dr. Michelle Bengtson, AWSA Member of the Year, winner of the AWSA 2023 Inspirational Gift Book of the Year Award, the 2024 Christian Literary Awards Reader’s Choice Award in the Devotional category, the 2023 Christian Literary Awards Reader’s Choice Award in four categories, and the Christian Literary Awards Henri Award for Devotionals
YouVersion Devotional, Today is Going to be a Good Day version 1
YouVersion Devotional, Today is Going to be a Good Day version 2
Revive & Thrive Women’s Online Conference
Revive & Thrive Summit 2
Trusting God through Cancer Summit 1
Trusting God through Cancer Summit 2
Breaking Anxiety’s Grip: How to Reclaim the Peace God Promises by Dr. Michelle Bengtson, winner of the AWSA 2020 Best Christian Living Book First Place, the first place winner for the Best Christian Living Book, the 2020 Carolina Christian  Writer’s Conference Contest winner for nonfiction, and winner of the 2021 Christian Literary Award’s Reader’s Choice Award in all four categories for which it was nominated (Non-Fiction Victorious Living, Christian Living Day By Day, Inspirational Breaking Free and Testimonial Justified by Grace categories.)
YouVersion Bible Reading Plan for Breaking Anxiety’s Grip
Breaking Anxiety’s Grip Free Study Guide
Free PDF Resource: How to Fight Fearful/Anxious Thoughts and Win
Hope Prevails: Insights from a Doctor’s Personal Journey Through Depression by Dr. Michelle Bengtson, winner of the Christian Literary Award Henri and Reader’s Choice Award
Hope Prevails Bible Study by Dr. Michelle Bengtson, winner of the Christian Literary Award Reader’s Choice Award
Free Webinar: Help for When You’re Feeling Blue

 

Social Media Links for Host and Guest:

Connect with Phylis Mantelli:

Podcast / Website / Instagram / YouTube / Facebook

For more hope, stay connected with Dr. Bengtson at:

Order Book Sacred Scars / Order Book The Hem of His Garment / Order Book Today is Going to be a Good Day / Order Book  Breaking Anxiety’s Grip / Order Book Hope Prevails  /  Website  /   Blog  /  Facebook / Twitter (@DrMBengtson)  /  LinkedIn  /  Instagram / Pinterest / YouTube / Podcast on Apple

 

Guest:

Phylis Mantelli is the author of the book “Unmothered” Life with a Mom Who Couldn’t Love Me. She is an inspirational speaker at churches, retreats, conventions, Celebrate Recovery groups, and rotary groups. She is the host of the Unmothered Podcast. She is currently writing her 2nd book on lessons of how to break generational dysfunction. She loves helping and coaching women reach their full God-given potential despite their trauma-filled past.  www.phylismantelli.com

 

Hosted By: Dr. Michelle Bengtson

Audio Technical Support: Bryce Bengtson

Episode Summary:&nbsp;
In this episode of Your Hope-Filled Perspective, we continue our Sacred Scar Story Series, where we talk with individuals who have experienced deep pain, but have also seen God bring healing and redemption.
My guest, Phylis Mantelli, shares her journey of growing up with a narcissistic, alcoholic mother in a chaotic and abusive environment&mdash;facing stress, shame, and secrets from an early age. Despite a childhood marked by dysfunction, trauma, and loss, Phyllis eventually chose to pursue healing and break the cycle of generational pain in her own family.
Through honest reflection, deep faith, and intentional work, she now helps other women confront their own &ldquo;mother wounds&rdquo; and embrace the truth that God can transform even our most painful stories into something sacred. You&rsquo;ll be encouraged by her transparency, wisdom, and hope-filled perspective.
&nbsp;
Quotables from the episode:
<ul>
<li>Some of your hardest stories become the very thing that you are able to help others through if you can find healing for yourself.</li>
<li>I was raised by a dysfunctional, alcoholic, narcissistic mom and everyday was living on the edge of stress, and shame, and secrets.</li>
<li>My mom kidnapped us, my dad came home to an empty house with no family. It took him three and a half months to find us.</li>
<li>At eight years old, we moved in with my mother&rsquo;s boyfriend, my sister&rsquo;s father, and started a whole new life.</li>
<li>Imagine being plucked out of your childhood and everything you&rsquo;ve known and you&rsquo;re just supposed to start a new school the next day like nothing is going on.</li>
<li>My mom had violence in her relationships our entire lives, so we witnessed violence growing up&mdash;we were physically and verbally abused.</li>
<li>Growing up, being told to be strong and not tell anyone about it, I didn&rsquo;t realize it until many years later that I&rsquo;m actually a very highly sensitive person but because I was taught to be tough, I became a really strong coverer of all kinds of wounds. So I had a lot of rage but I didn&rsquo;t even realize that&rsquo;s what it was.</li>
<li>With secrets, you think that you&rsquo;re the only person going through things. There was so much shame attached to that that I never shared my story with anyone.</li>
<li>After 61 years, I was finally able to grieve my story. And I realized that I&rsquo;m not alone and there are many other women who have gone through similar things and I want to learn how to help them.</li>
<li>Through trial and error, and being able to say the words, &ldquo;I&rsquo;m sorry&rdquo; and &ldquo;tell me more,&rdquo; I was able to deep conversations with my daughters and break off that generational dysfunction. It takes work, and that&rsquo;s the kind of thing I love to do in my ministry, by helping other women get to that place.</li>
<li>I became a Christian at 35, and I realized that my life is worthy. I am loved because I am a child of God and He has always had his hand on me. I felt God through all the trials in my life and even in the things I did wrong. I didn&rsquo;t love myself&hellip;I wanted someone to love me, and now I know that God does.</li>
<li>I needed to say &ldquo;no more&rdquo; for looking for outside sources to love me. I had to love myself and I spent a lot of time on the floor crying out to God. It&rsquo;s not about the stuff you do. It&rsquo;s about the heart of where you are. God hears you and loves you. You don&rsquo;t have to do X, Y, Z to earn his love.</li>
<li>You have to look back over your history and realize someone has been carrying you even through all the muck, and that means they love you.</li>
<li>Shame sounds like, &ldquo;If they find out your secrets, they are never going to like you and they are going to fun from you.&rdquo;</li>
<li>When you hold onto secrets, it&rsquo;s like a little gift inside your body that is so tight that it&rsquo;s ready to explode, and that&rsquo;s a gift Satan wants you to not open up because he knows that once you open it up and let it out, no matter what, it holds no power over you anymore.</li>
<li>Tell your story to safe people. Secrets have to come out. You cannot get to a place of peace until healing takes place in your body.</li>
<li>Satan likes to tell us all the things we aren&rsquo;t, but God loves to tell us all the things we are. Nothing will separate us from his love.</li>
<li>If you really want to heal, you have to start doing things differently. You can&rsquo;t keep doing things the same way and expect a different result&mdash;it&rsquo;s likely not going to happen.</li>
<li>We have to choose to pursue our healing. God isn&rsquo;t going to force it on us.</li>
<li>Every family is different so don&rsquo;t do the comparison thing and think &ldquo;I want to be like that family over there.&rdquo; Do what works for you. Where you are and what works for your family and brings your family peace and comfort may not look like others.</li>
<li>God is giving you God-kisses in the most gentle of ways and we have to open our eyes to see it even in the midst of great struggle.</li>
</ul>
Scripture References:
<ul>
<li>Psalm 91:11 &ldquo;For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.&rdquo;</li>
</ul>
Recommended Resources:&nbsp;
<ul>
<li><a href="https://amzn.to/3b4Tfsi">Unmothered: Life With a Mom Who Couldn&rsquo;t Love Me</a> by Phylis Mantelli&nbsp;</li>
<li><a href="https://drmichellebengtson.com/dysfunctional-mother-daughter-relationships/">Dysfunctional Mother Daughter Relationships: Hope for Breaking the Cycle&mdash;Episode 108&nbsp;</a></li>
<li><a href="https://drmichellebengtson.com/healing-dysfunctional-relationships/">Healing Dysfunctional Relationships</a></li>
<li><a href="https://amzn.to/3OpAZgQ">Sacred Scars: Resting in God&rsquo;s Promise That Your Past Is Not Wasted</a>&nbsp;by Dr. Michelle Bengtson</li>
<li><a href="https://amzn.to/3sCoqqm">The Hem of His Garment: Reaching Out To God When Pain Overwhelms</a> by Dr. Michelle Bengtson, winner AWSA 2024 Golden Scroll Christian Living Book of the Year and the 2024 Christian Literary Awards Reader&rsquo;s Choice Award in the Christian Living and Non-Fiction categories</li>
<li>YouVersion 5-Day Devotional&nbsp;<a href="http://bible.us/r/A57">Reaching Out To God When Pain Overwhelms</a></li>
<li><a href="https://amzn.to/3twWnXp">Today is Going to be a Good Day: 90 Promises from God to Start Your Day Off Right</a> by Dr. Michelle Bengtson, AWSA Member of the Year, winner of the AWSA 2023 Inspirational Gift Book of the Year Award, the 2024 Christian Literary Awards Reader&rsquo;s Choice Award in the Devotional category, the 2023 Christian Literary Awards Reader&rsquo;s Choice Award in four categories, and the Christian Literary Awards Henri Award for Devotionals</li>
<li><a href="https://www.bible.com/en-GB/reading-plans/31089-today-is-going-to-be-a-good-day">YouVersion Devotional, Today is Going to be a Good Day version 1</a></li>
<li><a href="https://my.bible.com/reading-plans/31151-today-is-going-to-be-another-good-day">YouVersion Devotional, Today is Going to be a Good Day version 2</a></li>
<li><a href="https://leanhealthyageless.com/revive-and-thrive-landing-mb/">Revive &amp; Thrive Women&rsquo;s Online Conference</a></li>
<li><a href="https://leanhealthyageless.com/fall-2020-revive-and-thrive-landing/">Revive &amp; Thrive Summit 2</a></li>
<li><a href="https://bit.ly/3mJPixb">Trusting God through Cancer Summit 1</a></li>
<li><a href="https://bit.ly/3to2SJc">Trusting God through Cancer Summit 2</a></li>
<li><a href="https://amzn.to/2ZSTP4N">Breaking Anxiety&rsquo;s Grip: How to Reclaim the Peace God Promises</a>&nbsp;by Dr. Michelle Bengtson, winner of the AWSA 2020 Best Christian Living Book First Place, the first place winner for the Best Christian Living Book, the 2020 Carolina Christian&nbsp; Writer&rsquo;s Conference Contest winner for nonfiction, and winner of the 2021 Christian Literary Award&rsquo;s Reader&rsquo;s Choice Award in all four categories for which it was nominated (Non-Fiction Victorious Living, Christian Living Day By Day, Inspirational Breaking Free and Testimonial Justified by Grace categories.)</li>
<li><a href="https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/16633-breaking-anxietys-grip-by-michelle-bengtson">YouVersion Bible Reading Plan for Breaking Anxiety&rsquo;s Grip</a></li>
<li><a href="https://drmichellebengtson.com/breaking-anxietys-grip-study-guide/">Breaking Anxiety&rsquo;s Grip Free Study Guide</a></li>
<li>Free PDF Resource: <a href="https://drmichellebengtson.com/fight-anxious-fearful-thoughts-download/">How to Fight Fearful/Anxious Thoughts and Win</a></li>
<li><a href="https://amzn.to/2zB0e7J">Hope Prevails: Insights from a Doctor&rsquo;s Personal Journey Through Depression</a>&nbsp;by Dr. Michelle Bengtson, winner of the Christian Literary Award Henri and Reader&rsquo;s Choice Award</li>
<li><a href="https://amzn.to/2yMdN46">Hope Prevails Bible Study</a>&nbsp;by Dr. Michelle Bengtson, winner of the Christian Literary Award Reader&rsquo;s Choice Award</li>
<li>Free Webinar: <a href="https://drmichellebengtson.com/10-tips-to-beat-the-blues-webinar-replay-sign-up/">Help for When You&rsquo;re Feeling Blue</a></li>
</ul>
&nbsp;
Social Media Links for Host and Guest:
Connect with Phylis Mantelli:
<a href="https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-unmothered-podcast/id1644192925">Podcast</a> / <a href="https://www.phylismantelli.com/">Website</a> / <a href="https://www.instagram.com/phylismantelli/">Instagram</a> / <a href="https://www.youtube.com/channel/UChE15sX5PrF30C0_Z6QCW3w">YouTube</a> / <a href="https://www.facebook.com/phylismantelliauthorpage">Facebook</a>
For more hope, stay connected with Dr. Bengtson at:
Order Book <a href="https://amzn.to/3OpAZgQ">Sacred Scars</a> / Order Book <a href="https://amzn.to/3sCoqqm">The Hem of His Garment</a> / Order Book <a href="https://amzn.to/3twWnXp">Today is Going to be a Good Day</a> / Order Book &nbsp;<a href="https://amzn.to/2Vvipro">Breaking Anxiety&rsquo;s Grip</a>&nbsp;/ Order Book&nbsp;<a href="https://amzn.to/2Vus9SJ">Hope Prevails</a>&nbsp; / &nbsp;<a href="https://www.drmichellebengtson.com/">Website</a>&nbsp; / &nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="https://drmichellebengtson.com/category/blog/">Blog</a>&nbsp; /&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="https://www.facebook.com/DrMichelleBengtson">Facebook</a>&nbsp;/&nbsp;<a href="https://www.twitter.com/DrMBengtson">Twitter</a>&nbsp;(@DrMBengtson) &nbsp;/&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="https://www.linkedin.com/in/DrMichelleBengtson">LinkedIn</a>&nbsp;&nbsp;/&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="https://www.instagram.com/drmichellebengtson">Instagram</a>&nbsp;/&nbsp;<a href="https://www.pinterest.com/Drbhopeprevails">Pinterest</a>&nbsp;/&nbsp;<a href="https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCn92DHzGSZk8psDb2FKazOQ">YouTube</a> / <a href="https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/your-hope-filled-perspective-dr-michelle-bengtson-podcast/id1468018011">Podcast on Apple</a>
&nbsp;
Guest:
Phylis Mantelli is the author of the book &ldquo;Unmothered&rdquo; Life with a Mom Who Couldn&rsquo;t Love Me. She is an inspirational speaker at churches, retreats, conventions, Celebrate Recovery groups, and rotary groups. She is the host of the Unmothered Podcast. She is currently writing her 2nd book on lessons of how to break generational dysfunction. She loves helping and coaching women reach their full God-given potential despite their trauma-filled past.&nbsp; www.phylismantelli.com
&nbsp;
Hosted By:&nbsp;Dr. Michelle Bengtson
Audio Technical Support: Bryce Bengtson

Your Hope-Filled Perspective draws on Dr. Michelle Bengtson’s almost 3 decades of clinical expertise as a neuropsychologist to help her listeners regain hope, renew their minds, and transform their lives. With a perfect balance of clinical expertise, compassion, and vulnerability, Dr. Bengtson and her guests purpose to share Biblically-based hope-filled perspectives for real-life issues, struggles, and concerns. Voted #2 in 2022's Podcast Magazine's Top 50 Moms in Podcasting.

Your Hope-Filled Perspective with Dr. Michelle Bengtson podcast

Your Hope-Filled Perspective draws on Dr. Michelle Bengtson&rsquo;s almost 3 decades of clinical expertise as a neuropsychologist to help her listeners regain hope, renew their minds, and transform their lives. With a perfect balance of clinical expertise, compassion, and vulnerability, Dr. Bengtson and her guests purpose to share Biblically-based hope-filled perspectives for real-life issues, struggles, and concerns. Voted #2 in 2022's Podcast Magazine's Top 50 Moms in Podcasting.